Psycho in the Family

[packrat]

JD said if it's just verbal, they don't remove the kids. If it's physical, and they're called, and the arrest him, he can't go back to the house b/c upon arrest there is an automatic protective order. He can go back one time w/escort, to get clothes or something, but otherwise, he's out until the case goes to court. I asked if DHS would take the kids. He said they report it and "DHS does what DHS does" with face. Not a fan as you can tell...but then again, having seen what's he's seen, I don't blame him.

All states are different on how things are handled-Iowa could be and probably is completely different than where she is.

After a while...there's really only so much you can do. When I was asking JD about it, his first question was "Does she even WANT to leave?"--and that's going to always be the first question. Usually they want to, until it comes down to the wire, and then the mind changes. When there's kids involved, I feel like it's..I don't know, it's not about YOU (not you-you, the one being abused-you) anymore and you need to do right by your kids, period. By not doing anything, you're telling your kids it's ok to treat people like that and to be treated like that. The kids safety and well being trumps yours.

In some ways, similar to my relative's situation. They're "working it out" again. As per usual. So, I'm just going to assume he enjoys being treated that way and let it go.

Find out what resources are available and let her know what they are. She has to do it herself. Or, since DHS can't just show up and take the kids based on nothing, you could google and find the local office to wherever she is at and talk to them. They can take it from there, open a case and investigate and then they'll either do something or not based on what they find.

 

[CRYSTAL24K]

My heart goes out to you. This is a delicate situation that obviously seems black and white to those who are not related or directly involved. The children must be protected. Unfortunately, unless the wife realizes that she needs to take action and has the strength to leave and stay out, then any action will be for naught as she will most likely go back to him feeling guilty and accept whatever happens to her as her "punishment" for "betraying" him.

A former best friend of mine was in an abusive relationship for years and while I would call the police immediately after she would call me crying for help and I could hear that he was hitting her, yelling at her and destroying their apartment, she would always take him back and get mad at me for causing problems. Until she was ready to leave (which did happen after several black eyes, bruised ribs, etc... and him being taken away to by the police often) she just made excuses for him. When she did leave him she left the state and had no contact with anybody for several years but she did re-establish herself and made a good life for her and her children.

I did just what Packrat suggested. I had to distance myself from her, because I was a mess about the situation especially when I came to the realization that she did not want help at that point.

I am not sure what the answer is if the family or a friend of the family is not willing to at least protect the children and take them in so that they do not experience any more of the abuse. Maybe you can make some calls or do some research to the social workers in the area where she lives to see if you feel comfortable calling the police knowing that they may end up under child protective services.

 

[packrat]

DHS/CPS is so ungodly overworked and understaffed it's not even comprehensible. It's sad, but it's how things are. People are allowed to have kids that should not have kids.

I do not even know what the current acronym stands for, but, unfortunately, I know the program well: child protective services. If you are a social worker and you enter the portals of that program, you will be tortured. Because you will be unable to help almost any child. You will be given the choice of placing each innocent child in a horrible situation or a worse one, with a villain or a monster. The laws and the system will conspire aganst the child and justice at every turn. If you are in a graduate school of social work, consider this your baptism by fire, but know that you will go home crying every night.

AGBF

Christ. My niece is going into social work with stars in her eyes, and I never thought it was a great choice for her. You've confirmed my suspicions about the job.

Yeah. She's in for a rude awakening. There's only so much they can do, and there's SO much that goes on, so many hoops to jump thru, so many kids, so many households to investigate, paperwork on and on and on. It's not that they don't *try* but yanno..again, there's only so much they can do. And after a while, that's got to wear on a person's heart and spirit. Hell, I work in a *preschool* and there were many afternoons I'd come home and JD and I would tell the kids to leave us alone for grown up talk and we'd either sit out in the backyard to get some soothing vibes from the plants, or shut the door to our room and he'd just sit w/me and listen and rub my leg while I cried b/c of the kids I wanted to bring home to "save".

 

[Jambalaya]

Jambalaya-

All of our ranting is not aimed at you. At least it shouldn't be. It is a generalized, "This is what should be done when a woman is being abused" rant by frustrated women! All of us want a piece of that abuser! I don't think we'd need the 6' 5" brother if we Pricescope women were there. In fact, it might be better if he stayed out of the way, lest he get hurt.

Deb

Thank you Deb.

I love your ability to convey the perfect sentiment at the perfect moment!

Yeah, I know. Thank you both. Oh Deb.....man oh man....what I wouldn't like to do to that monster....I'm tempted to invite him over here to my community for a little holiday, and he'll be made an offer he can't refuse.

 

[Jambalaya]

JD said if it's just verbal, they don't remove the kids. If it's physical, and they're called, and the arrest him, he can't go back to the house b/c upon arrest there is an automatic protective order. He can go back one time w/escort, to get clothes or something, but otherwise, he's out until the case goes to court. I asked if DHS would take the kids. He said they report it and "DHS does what DHS does" with face. Not a fan as you can tell...but then again, having seen what's he's seen, I don't blame him.

All states are different on how things are handled-Iowa could be and probably is completely different than where she is.

After a while...there's really only so much you can do. When I was asking JD about it, his first question was "Does she even WANT to leave?"--and that's going to always be the first question. Usually they want to, until it comes down to the wire, and then the mind changes. When there's kids involved, I feel like it's..I don't know, it's not about YOU (not you-you, the one being abused-you) anymore and you need to do right by your kids, period. By not doing anything, you're telling your kids it's ok to treat people like that and to be treated like that. The kids safety and well being trumps yours.

In some ways, similar to my relative's situation. They're "working it out" again. As per usual. So, I'm just going to assume he enjoys being treated that way and let it go.

Find out what resources are available and let her know what they are. She has to do it herself. Or, since DHS can't just show up and take the kids based on nothing, you could google and find the local office to wherever she is at and talk to them. They can take it from there, open a case and investigate and then they'll either do something or not based on what they find.

Well, that's why JD is a professional. He hit the nail on the head with his first question - I'm impressed. He's obviously experienced at what he does. No, she does not want to leave. She broke through for a moment there this week, sounded all ready to leave, and then the monster morphed back into his sheep's outfit, became harmless and fluffy, promised her it would never happen again, that he would go for counseling, and that he farts rainbows in his sleep.

She fell for it hook, line, and sinker, said she feels "much better" and that they "just need to communicate more." It's tempting to get extremely frustrated with her and to call her (only to myself) a complete f***ing idiot, but I know that this is often the pattern with people that are living with an abuser and that it is often extremely difficult to leave. So I'm trying to remember how bad her life is and not to judge.

But no software carries an eyeroll icon big enough or sarcastic enough for me to use after I heard what she said.

I think it's going to be a long, slow road to getting out, if she ever does, and I expect he'll put her in hospital before that happens. I'm glad she knows my true feelings about him now though - not that I've ever really spent any time with him, but now I'll never have to see him again as long as I live.

Thanks for talking to JD, Packrat. I really appreciate that.

 

[Jambalaya]

My heart goes out to you. This is a delicate situation that obviously seems black and white to those who are not related or directly involved. The children must be protected. Unfortunately, unless the wife realizes that she needs to take action and has the strength to leave and stay out, then any action will be for naught as she will most likely go back to him feeling guilty and accept whatever happens to her as her "punishment" for "betraying" him.

A former best friend of mine was in an abusive relationship for years and while I would call the police immediately after she would call me crying for help and I could hear that he was hitting her, yelling at her and destroying their apartment, she would always take him back and get mad at me for causing problems. Until she was ready to leave (which did happen after several black eyes, bruised ribs, etc... and him being taken away to by the police often) she just made excuses for him. When she did leave him she left the state and had no contact with anybody for several years but she did re-establish herself and made a good life for her and her children.

I did just what Packrat suggested. I had to distance myself from her, because I was a mess about the situation especially when I came to the realization that she did not want help at that point.

I am not sure what the answer is if the family or a friend of the family is not willing to at least protect the children and take them in so that they do not experience any more of the abuse. Maybe you can make some calls or do some research to the social workers in the area where she lives to see if you feel comfortable calling the police knowing that they may end up under child protective services.

Thanks for sharing that story, Crystal. How awful for your friend. But doesn't that just go to show how much some women put up with, and what it takes to get some people to leave? I think my cousin is going to be like this. She shows very little motivation to do anything about him and eagerly believes the lies he tells her about things improving. As Packrat's JD said, the services won't remove the children due to them witnessing bad words between their parents. The mother needs to deal with the monster in their lives. SHE needs to report him to the police, file a complaint, get a restraining order, etc etc. But she is not effectual in that way.

Her oldest brother was under the strong impression that she was crafting a plan to leave and was going to follow through. I ratted her out to her brother, telling him what he didn't know - that she has changed her mind. I have also pressured the brother regarding the children, regarding the danger his sister is in, the danger of depression in her, and other myriad effects. SHE needs to deal with the monster and if she can't, that big strong brother of hers should be taking steps.

I agree about pulling back. We are not emailing anymore right now because my cousin and her brother have heard enough from me for the moment, but I'm having difficulty putting her and her situation out of my head.

 

[Jambalaya]

DHS/CPS is so ungodly overworked and understaffed it's not even comprehensible. It's sad, but it's how things are. People are allowed to have kids that should not have kids.

I do not even know what the current acronym stands for, but, unfortunately, I know the program well: child protective services. If you are a social worker and you enter the portals of that program, you will be tortured. Because you will be unable to help almost any child. You will be given the choice of placing each innocent child in a horrible situation or a worse one, with a villain or a monster. The laws and the system will conspire aganst the child and justice at every turn. If you are in a graduate school of social work, consider this your baptism by fire, but know that you will go home crying every night.

AGBF

Christ. My niece is going into social work with stars in her eyes, and I never thought it was a great choice for her. You've confirmed my suspicions about the job.

Yeah. She's in for a rude awakening. There's only so much they can do, and there's SO much that goes on, so many hoops to jump thru, so many kids, so many households to investigate, paperwork on and on and on. It's not that they don't *try* but yanno..again, there's only so much they can do. And after a while, that's got to wear on a person's heart and spirit. Hell, I work in a *preschool* and there were many afternoons I'd come home and JD and I would tell the kids to leave us alone for grown up talk and we'd either sit out in the backyard to get some soothing vibes from the plants, or shut the door to our room and he'd just sit w/me and listen and rub my leg while I cried b/c of the kids I wanted to bring home to "save".

Packrat - what you describe is actually the reason I decided against teaching school, which is one of the career options I considered. Years ago after college I interned for a few days at a local elementary school, and there was one little girl who clearly wasn't well-kept. It was sad because she kept putting her hand up to answer questions but the teacher ignored her. It was as if the teacher had already written her off.

 

[lkredhat]

Of course it is enraging when an abused person alternately enlists you against the aggressor and then sides with the aggressor and punishes you for being a trouble-maker. You feel as though you are being played. So of course you want to keep your emotional distance.

What I think WOULD be useful is to suggest to a family member that is closer to your cousin is to offer to have the kids come stay for a summer visit so they can "get to know their relatives" and give the parents "a break". A stay, however brief, in a "safe place" will do wonders for the kids' mental health, and they just might open up and say what's really going on. Which could be a much better motivator than anything you can do.

If you do wind up needing or wanting to take action or learn more about what to do, I found these resources:

Since the state domestic hotline was no help--
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
www.domesticshelters.org
https://www.facebook.com/NationalDomesticViolenceHotline

also:

http://www.ncadv.org/
They seem like more of an advocacy and policy organization but they do have a page of other resources:
http://www.ncadv.org/learn/other-organizations

 

[Jambalaya]

Of course it is enraging when an abused person alternately enlists you against the aggressor and then sides with the aggressor and punishes you for being a trouble-maker. You feel as though you are being played. So of course you want to keep your emotional distance.

What I think WOULD be useful is to suggest to a family member that is closer to your cousin is to offer to have the kids come stay for a summer visit so they can "get to know their relatives" and give the parents "a break". A stay, however brief, in a "safe place" will do wonders for the kids' mental health, and they just might open up and say what's really going on. Which could be a much better motivator than anything you can do.

If you do wind up needing or wanting to take action or learn more about what to do, I found these resources:

Since the state domestic hotline was no help--
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
www.domesticshelters.org
https://www.facebook.com/NationalDomesticViolenceHotline

also:

http://www.ncadv.org/
They seem like more of an advocacy and policy organization but they do have a page of other resources:
http://www.ncadv.org/learn/other-organizations

Thank you, lkredhat.

 

[TooPatient]

Jambalaya-

All of our ranting is not aimed at you. At least it shouldn't be. It is a generalized, "This is what should be done when a woman is being abused" rant by frustrated women! All of us want a piece of that abuser! I don't think we'd need the 6' 5" brother if we Pricescope women were there. In fact, it might be better if he stayed out of the way, lest he get hurt.

Deb

Yep!

Sending you big hugs and hoping your cousin gets a little clarity to get out safely before it is too late.

 

[ihy138]

DHS/CPS is so ungodly overworked and understaffed it's not even comprehensible. It's sad, but it's how things are. People are allowed to have kids that should not have kids.

I do not even know what the current acronym stands for, but, unfortunately, I know the program well: child protective services. If you are a social worker and you enter the portals of that program, you will be tortured. Because you will be unable to help almost any child. You will be given the choice of placing each innocent child in a horrible situation or a worse one, with a villain or a monster. The laws and the system will conspire aganst the child and justice at every turn. If you are in a graduate school of social work, consider this your baptism by fire, but know that you will go home crying every night.

AGBF

Christ. My niece is going into social work with stars in her eyes, and I never thought it was a great choice for her. You've confirmed my suspicions about the job.

Yeah. She's in for a rude awakening. There's only so much they can do, and there's SO much that goes on, so many hoops to jump thru, so many kids, so many households to investigate, paperwork on and on and on. It's not that they don't *try* but yanno..again, there's only so much they can do. And after a while, that's got to wear on a person's heart and spirit. Hell, I work in a *preschool* and there were many afternoons I'd come home and JD and I would tell the kids to leave us alone for grown up talk and we'd either sit out in the backyard to get some soothing vibes from the plants, or shut the door to our room and he'd just sit w/me and listen and rub my leg while I cried b/c of the kids I wanted to bring home to "save".

Jambalaya - I have been following this thread and feel for all parties involved. I hope that you all get the support and closure that you need.

Off topic, I know, but I just wanted to mention that to be a social worker does not necessarily mean to be a CPS worker. Those with social work degrees can do a number of things. For example, I have an MSW and do psychotherapy. I could never, ever do CPS work because of how taxing I know it can be. Hope this clarifies things.

 

[AGBF]

Off topic, I know, but I just wanted to mention that to be a social worker does not necessarily mean to be a CPS worker. Those with social work degrees can do a number of things. For example, I have an MSW and do psychotherapy. I could never, ever do CPS work because of how taxing I know it can be. Hope this clarifies things.

Thank you for taking the time to address this concern of Jambalaya, ihy138. I considered doing so myself, but felt that the original poster's problem should be our focus.

It is true that if one has an MSW degree and, even better, a state license as well, one can pick and choose where one works. Many MSWs, if they ever work directly for child protective services, do it only during their field work. Most of us, however, continue to be exposed to the issue of child abuse throughout our careers.

The tragic thing is that since the most highly trained workers-the highly seasoned MSWs who have been in the child protective services field for years-soon flee the field of child protective services due to their inability to cope with the huge caseloads and inability to make a difference. That leaves far less well trained workers doing child protective service work. One is very lucky to find a BSW to do the job. One may simply have to hire any college graduate. And they quit.

AGBF

 

[Jambalaya]

Thanks for the clarification, but as regards my niece, I said social work is not a great choice for her.

But my niece is a whole other story.

 

[Jambalaya]

Too Patient and lhy138, and everyone else, thanks for the good wishes.

My cousin was so, so very eager to make up with him and believe his promises that I think this situation is going to be a long, slow burn. Overnight, she literally went from seeing a solicitor and crafting a getaway plan to saying she feels much better and they just need to communicate more. It's so sad.

To some extent, I guess I'll just have to put it out of my mind. I'm kinda glad, in a way, that I'm so far away. But last night I was so angry at him again I couldn't sleep. I had all manner of fantasies about what I'd like to do to him, all involving violence.

However, now that my cousin knows I despise him, I'll never have to see him again (not that he was ever really around anyway, since he hates her family on principle and has as little to do with any of us as possible). And with certain family members having died in the last couple of years, we have fewer significant family birthdays and wedding anniversaries to come together for, which is a blessing given the situation. For example, a couple of the deaths mean that there will be no 50th wedding anniversary celebrations and no 80th parties, so that's four potentially awkward situations avoided. Silver lining.

The really bad thing is, that since he's completely unhinged, I think he will be an absolute nightmare to divorce. To give you an idea of his paranoia, he said he has tons of "evidence" against her stashed under the floorboards! Once he realizes he will lose everything - house, wife, kids - I dread to think how he will behave. And I do believe he should not be allowed access to the kids - my cousin also told me he was trying to teach them to insult fat people and others' appearances in general, in addition to the "Mommy's a bitch" thing. Someone on this thread wondered if he was mentally ill, and yes we think he is, but I don't know what disorder would cause someone to be so exceptionally nasty. Oh, and he also has a drink problem, quite a bad one.

I think that kicking him out of their lives and starting again will be a gargantuan, Herculean task for her. I think he will do every dirty trick under the sun, throw every legal obstacle in their way, which will cost a fortune, and I think my poor cousin will be on the floor by the time finances, divorce, custody, and all the other things are settled. Meeting and marrying him has ruined her life since I think he will be very hard to get away from and will probably torment her over the ensuing years since they will have to communicate due to the kids. It was so silly of her to marry and have two kids with him - he was never, ever nice to her. It's not as if he was a master at keeping his weird self hidden - I could see exactly what he was like the first time I met him in 2004, when I immediately detested him. I'll never, ever know why she hitched her future to his. They moved in together really quickly since they lived in the same street, and one month later he was being really nasty to her. All she had to do was walk back up the road to her apartment! Gahhh, it's so frustrating.

 

[Jambalaya]

I remembered a memory last night that I'd forgotten. 2006, they had gotten married and I'd gone to visit them in their new house. The three of us were standing in the kitchen, he'd arrived home drunk (cousin says he thinks nothing of drinking and driving) and he says to me, in a sneery tone, "Your cousin really f***s me off!" I think my cousin and I didn't really say anything, we were so shocked! But I'd forgotten about that until last night. You know, every time I've seen him when it's been just the three of us, which is only a handful of times but spans a few years, he's always been seriously weird. I've never seen him be normal. I don't think I've ever really met anyone as weird as him.

And another thing, given his generally horrific personality, I would highly doubt that he's faithful to her. Lately he's been traveling a lot on business, to Cape Town in SA, Dallas, Costa Rica. It would not surprise me one bit if he was hooking up with other women on these trips and putting my cousin's health at risk. He's so destructive.

 

[ihy138]

I'm sorry to hear that your cousin has decided for now to stay in this situation. What a roller coaster it must be for you to be a confidant. I think all families have a similar, toxic person as the batterer that you're describing. With them, I've learned, that sometimes what is best is just to keep yourself healthy and set boundaries that make sense for you, even if that means some distance. So sorry you and a loved one are going through this.

 

[autumngems]

I sincerely hope your cousin wakes up soon and get herself and children out.

After meeting my former nephew I knew something was not right about that man, he would put down one of her children (from previous marriage) and just acted strange, everyone noticed it. Finally, she put in for a divorce and while staying at her previous mother-in-law's house with the children, in the late hours (the day the divorce was to be final, Sept 11th) he broke in, shot her mother-in-law (from previous marriage) in front of one of the children. Then went back into the bedroom and shot my neice twice. The other kids were hiding in the closet.

That poor child saw this and then went and hid with the other children in the closest until morning when he felt safe enough to come out and call 911.

I am sure some of you heard about that call, it was all over the news and has been on 48 hours.

 

[kmarla]

Jambalaya, I was somewhat hesitant to join this thread because it brought up a lot of emotions, but I have been in your shoes and it's a terrible position to be in. One of my siblings was in a very abusive relationship for many years. The awful reality is that you can't save someone who won't save themselves, and you can't save kids whose parents refuse to do the right thing either. Please take care of yourself.

 

[lioness]

Domestic violence is child abuse.

The children are living with a monster. Telling your children that their mommy is a bitch is child abuse. Withholding food from mommy and making them live with that kind of terror is child abuse.


You are lying to yourself if you think any different.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Every word is true. The food withholding happened to me. The then-husband badmouthing me before the children? That too.

She is in denial, unfortunately. What she needs to realize is that her children's well-being and her dignity are worth more than a nice house or any imagined stigma of being a divorced woman and single mom. Why is she holding on? It's not because of him. It's because she is subconsciously trying to either recreate or rectify a familial pattern. Unfortunately, rectification without reflection only yields repetition. I thought I would have the idyllic marriage that my parents didn't, and ended up in an abusive situation, just like my mother.

 

[Jambalaya]

I'm sorry to hear that your cousin has decided for now to stay in this situation. What a roller coaster it must be for you to be a confidant. I think all families have a similar, toxic person as the batterer that you're describing. With them, I've learned, that sometimes what is best is just to keep yourself healthy and set boundaries that make sense for you, even if that means some distance. So sorry you and a loved one are going through this.

Thanks, ihy138. I agree that distance is best. I'm getting some now, although it's taken days to calm down from wanting to hurt that man the way he's hurting my cousin. Next SOS, I am going to try very hard not to get so upset on her behalf but just to make cooing noises and alert her brother, as long as she chooses to stay with him. She had us all hopping and next day she was back to happy, so I'll be there for her but I can't get so invested again, unless she follows through with getting him to leave.

 

[Jambalaya]

I sincerely hope your cousin wakes up soon and get herself and children out.

After meeting my former nephew I knew something was not right about that man, he would put down one of her children (from previous marriage) and just acted strange, everyone noticed it. Finally, she put in for a divorce and while staying at her previous mother-in-law's house with the children, in the late hours (the day the divorce was to be final, Sept 11th) he broke in, shot her mother-in-law (from previous marriage) in front of one of the children. Then went back into the bedroom and shot my neice twice. The other kids were hiding in the closet.

That poor child saw this and then went and hid with the other children in the closest until morning when he felt safe enough to come out and call 911.

I am sure some of you heard about that call, it was all over the news and has been on 48 hours.

Autumngems, thank you for sharing your story. I am sorrier than words can say about your poor niece.

It's interesting that you say you knew something was not right about that man from the start. I felt exactly the same way after meeting my cousin's husband when they started dating. I had an immediate, extremely strong negative reaction. I often don't trust my own judgement so I'm amazed really at how accurate I was.

 

[Jambalaya]

Jambalaya, I was somewhat hesitant to join this thread because it brought up a lot of emotions, but I have been in your shoes and it's a terrible position to be in. One of my siblings was in a very abusive relationship for many years. The awful reality is that you can't save someone who won't save themselves, and you can't save kids whose parents refuse to do the right thing either. Please take care of yourself.

Thank you so much for sharing, kmarla. Oh, how very, very awful to see your sister mistreated this way for many years. That must have torn you up inside. Yes, I will try to take care of myself, but it's a tricky balance when obviously you don't want to abandon the person who's in distress. She seems OK now though...until the next time, of course.

 

[Jambalaya]

Domestic violence is child abuse.

The children are living with a monster. Telling your children that their mommy is a bitch is child abuse. Withholding food from mommy and making them live with that kind of terror is child abuse.


You are lying to yourself if you think any different.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Every word is true. The food withholding happened to me. The then-husband badmouthing me before the children? That too.

She is in denial, unfortunately. What she needs to realize is that her children's well-being and her dignity are worth more than a nice house or any imagined stigma of being a divorced woman and single mom. Why is she holding on? It's not because of him. It's because she is subconsciously trying to either recreate or rectify a familial pattern. Unfortunately, rectification without reflection only yields repetition. I thought I would have the idyllic marriage that my parents didn't, and ended up in an abusive situation, just like my mother.

Lioness, I thought of you, because I think you have written about your situation before. I am so glad you got out. Presumably it was difficult to do so? You are so brave.

I agree, they have a nice house, there are no divorces in our family, and I think she wants to keep it all together. But I agree, there is no substitute for being able to live your life in peace and to know that you and your children can't be hurt anymore. It is my fervent hope that she kicks him out. I appreciate that she's in a difficult situation, but if she's going to give herself and her children a chance, then she is simply going to have to find the strength from somewhere, isn't she. As you did.

 

[kmarla]

Jambalaya, I was somewhat hesitant to join this thread because it brought up a lot of emotions, but I have been in your shoes and it's a terrible position to be in. One of my siblings was in a very abusive relationship for many years. The awful reality is that you can't save someone who won't save themselves, and you can't save kids whose parents refuse to do the right thing either. Please take care of yourself.

Thank you so much for sharing, kmarla. Oh, how very, very awful to see your sister mistreated this way for many years. That must have torn you up inside. Yes, I will try to take care of myself, but it's a tricky balance when obviously you don't want to abandon the person who's in distress. She seems OK now though...until the next time, of course.

Jambalaya, a quick update that may give you some comfort.
I never gave up hope and was always there for my sister. My sister and her kids did finally leave a few years ago. The boys were young teenagers by then and they finally told my sister that they were leaving with or without her because they didn't feel safe and were sick of the abuse. The boys had a lot of courage and realized that their Mom was unable to do the right thing on her own. They all have significant issues because of the abuse and may never be completely okay, but they are so much happier and with continuing professional help and love of family and friends their future can be very bright.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

What a terrible situation, Jambalaya. I am sorry for her and, most specially, for her children.

Can you change your communication with her to email? That would automatically create records, in her own words, of the situation.

 

[Jambalaya]

Jambalaya, I was somewhat hesitant to join this thread because it brought up a lot of emotions, but I have been in your shoes and it's a terrible position to be in. One of my siblings was in a very abusive relationship for many years. The awful reality is that you can't save someone who won't save themselves, and you can't save kids whose parents refuse to do the right thing either. Please take care of yourself.

Thank you so much for sharing, kmarla. Oh, how very, very awful to see your sister mistreated this way for many years. That must have torn you up inside. Yes, I will try to take care of myself, but it's a tricky balance when obviously you don't want to abandon the person who's in distress. She seems OK now though...until the next time, of course.

Jambalaya, a quick update that may give you some comfort.
I never gave up hope and was always there for my sister. My sister and her kids did finally leave a few years ago. The boys were young teenagers by then and they finally told my sister that they were leaving with or without her because they didn't feel safe and were sick of the abuse. The boys had a lot of courage and realized that their Mom was unable to do the right thing on her own. They all have significant issues because of the abuse and may never be completely okay, but they are so much happier and with continuing professional help and love of family and friends their future can be very bright.

Wow, kmarla, I can't believe it was the kids who had to save the situation. That's so awful for them. I'm sorry, but glad it eventually came to an end.

 

[Jambalaya]

What a terrible situation, Jambalaya. I am sorry for her and, most specially, for her children.

Can you change your communication with her to email? That would automatically create records, in her own words, of the situation.

That would be a good idea, but you know when someone is bursting to talk?? However, I do have my emails to her and her brother, with their responses back to me basically confirming the situation. I'll keep those.

 

[Jambalaya]

So, all's quiet on the western front, as they say. My cousin is staying with her abuser, and since there was a whole year between SOS messages this time, I should think it'll be a while before it happens again.

I will keep this thread updated on how the situation pans out, but I think it will be a long slow burn. In the meantime, I want to thank everyone so much for their support.

 

[packrat]

I hope during this quiet time she has some serious reflection time and realizes what she needs to do for herself and for her kids, and this time, does it.

 

[AGBF]

That your cousin isn't being abused doesn't mean that you cannot be pro-active. While getting too involved in her life at times of crisis is probably bad for you, helping her to get ready to leave-in times of calm-may not be unhealthy. Perhaps you could use this "long time" when she isn't being abused to advise her to save money; set up a safe place to go the next time her husband abuses her; get the name of an attorney and have an initial consultation with him; etcetera.

Let your cousin know that if her husband is "good" and keeps his word, she will not have to use these tools, but if that he ever steps out of line again, she will will never have to live in fear again. She can just walk out the door.

Deb