Psycho in the Family

[Jambalaya]

I just need to vent. My younger cousin has been married to an abuser for ten years, but two days ago she sent me an SOS because it's getting worse. Unfortunately the family is colluding in silence, due to fear of upsetting him and him subsequently taking it out on her. So he's getting away with it.

This is what she told me:

- He threatened to kill her mother, my aunt. When my aunt went to their house for coffee the other day, he asked her to leave and then started throwing things. She's 72.

- He twisted my cousin's arm behind her back and she said that "it really hurt", which just made my heart clench for her.

- He made himself and the children dinner but wouldn't give her any. When the four-year-old girl asked why Mommy couldn't have any, he said "Because Mommy's a bitch." That's right, to a four year old.

- She's not allowed to have any of her pictures and photos on the walls. Both their degree certificates are on the walls, but get this: His cert must hang higher than hers.

- He blocks her car with his, so she can't escape.

- He blocks her way out of the room so she can't get past. He does this frequently.

- He pushes her out of the house. I'm not sure how long she has to stay outside.
- He says he has tons of evidence against her stashed under the floorboards. Paranoia or what? My cousin is a faithful, devoted, straightforward, genuine wife and mother who has done nothing but try her hardest to make this marriage work.

- Weirdly for a professional man with money, he has started to steal from stores.

And you know what the kicker is? After abusing her - these things all happened in the last week - he puts a message on Facebook on their anniversary thanking his fantastic wife for such a great life and a lovely ten years etc! I mean, WTF??? It's taking self-control not to just write on his timeline what he is and what he's been doing to his wife, so all his friends and his boss can see.

My blood pressure must have been through the roof today - I've been almost shaking with anger about what this man is doing to her. Her brothers and her mother are useless, and her dad is dead. I don't think anyone but me understands the danger she's in. I thought she was getting ready to leave him, but today she tells me they've had a chat and she feels much better, and they just need to communicate more. I feel as if I'm in the Twilight Zone!

I want to bust this thing wide open. In her state, the woman doesn't have to make a complaint herself - the police can prosecute and remove the man anyway. I want to call her local police. I want to call child services. I want to write to the monster's parents and tell them everything about their darling son. I want to send a copy of the police report to his boss.

But her older brother wants to take a softly-softly approach, but I don't know how much longer I can hold it all in. Abusers THRIVE on secrecy, they thrive on everyone tiptoeing around them so as not to upset them. I live a couple thousand miles away, so I could care less about the effect on me. But I do take the point that if any of us goes for him and he is still living with her, he could easily take it out on her.

I don't know where to put all this anger. I literally have fantasies about smashing his ugly pig-face into the middle of next week. Since I'm a woman with the strength of a gnat, this isn't going to happen. Doesn't stop me thinking it, though.

Has anyone else here taken the reins with regard to getting a vulnerable woman out of a situation like this? There are children in the house aged 4 and 8. Has anyone else saved a woman in this situation who seemed unable to save herself? i do know that there are a multitude of reasons why abused women stay and that it's nowhere near as simple to leave as people think, but where will this end if I don't take action? I've kept my mouth shut for ten years and I simply can't keep it shut any longer. As I told her brother, I am THIS close to having that xxxxxxx arrested.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Oh my gosh. She is in an abusive situation and she needs to get in touch with a women's shelter and get herself and her children OUT of there!!! She will need protection. She needs help. It sounds like she feels trapped and is trying to stay because I assume he is the financial supporter, but oh gosh, she needs to LEAVE!!!

If she won't, you call the local battered women's shelter and find out the procedures for her.

She and the kids have to be gone before anything is done regarding him. Have her come stay with you or something. Across the country would be a good place to start over.

 

[Gypsy]

No advice. No experience.

I'm a bull in a china shop with no tact, so I'm going to abstain.

But I do have a lot of care and concern for you and for the kids in that situation.

It unfortunately sounds like she's in denial. And I'm not sure you making a report would do any good if she will lie and cover things up.

And the kids might be too young to stand up for themselves to be honest with CPS. Especially if he has made them fear CPS. Many abusers will do that. Tell their kids that CPS is the enemy and that they will take them away and they will be alone and separated forever. And the kids, fearing that, will lie.

Many hugs to you. I wish I had more to offer.

 

[Jambalaya]

Thanks, DS. Luckily, she does have a good job although I'm not sure about ready funds because their mortgage - and their house - is huge. About leaving, I discussed that with her and she said she didn't want to leave the house and didn't see why she should, and I see her point. Later in the conversation, though, she said she was going to go because she was starting to feel uneasy in the house with him - it was late at night. Go figure.

I think if she leaves, it's more difficult to then get him out than if they are still in the same house, because the authorities are not required to act as emergently as if the monster was still sharing space with his wife and children. I have a feeling that's how it works in her state. I've been trying to call this domestic violence helpline to find out about her options, but they never pick up.

If I bust it wide open, doing all the things outlined above, I will be in humungous family trouble. Her brother has already stressed to me that she needs support and to go softly-softly and that if she won't leave him there's nothing we can do, etc. I strongly disagree. We can tell all the authorities and embarrass the hell out of him by letting his friends, family and boss know.

I can SEE the writing on the wall. She has always, always let him get away with it, and now it's getting worse. There is no way she is going to leave him, so as far as I can see, there are two options: Wait until the abuse escalates and he puts her in hospital or worse, and secondly, act alone and bust it all wide open. Since she doesn't want to leave him, I don't expect she'll ever forgive me if I rat him out to everyone including the authorities. But I feel fit to burst.

 

[Jambalaya]

Thanks, Gypsy. You said you have concern for me and the kids, but you need have no concern for me - he would have no way to find me. He barely even knows I exist. And I, um, have friends in low places, the kind who make offers you can't refuse, if you get my drift. Sadly not in her community though - she's too far away. His type doesn't scare me one bit. Unfortunately my cousin doesn't have a scrappy side to her.

About the legal side, the law and the police in her state are pretty good about violence toward women. But you have to take advantage of that, and she isn't.

I either watch the car crash in slow motion, or I upset all the apple carts. Hmm.

 

[dragonfly411]

I don't know what to say, other than she needs to get out, and her family should be on her side, not his. The threats against her mother and the arm twisting are grounds for restraining orders and action in court for custody, as would the meals and pushing her out of the house. I offer my prayer and sympathy.

 

[TooPatient]

If you don't mind sharing, what state is she in?

 

[Jambalaya]

Thanks, Dragonfly.

At least today I told her exactly what I thought about everything, things I've been holding in for a decade. I also told her older brother all the details of the abuse, in case he wasn't fully aware. In addition, I've told her that if she wants me to testify in court against him, I am free for that anytime.

I know there are solutions and lots of options, but I'm so angry I can't sleep.

 

[Jambalaya]

TooPatient - I don't want to share anything about location. I even keep my own location a secret here. Sorry! I changed the wording of his FB post so no one can look it up, and fudged a couple of other details too, for anonymity. Probably over-careful of me, but I believe you can't be too careful.

I've been worried about my career lately in the long-term and preoccupied with the world of elderly caregiving and cancer, but man, this has put everything into perspective. I hadn't heard anything from her about abuse in a long time, so I thought everything was OK, but it's reliably getting worse over time.

 

[Jambalaya]

Her brother, also my cousin of course, is working in Australia, and when he told me everything should be softly-softly, I pushed back and told him, among other things, that the tiptoeing around the abuser must stop, that there are helpless children in the house, and that we didn't need her permission to turn the abuser in. So I expect I'll wake up to an angry and annoyed email from that cousin tomorrow, and he and I have never fought in our lives. He has always been like a big brother to me too, not just a cousin. But I think now he's going to be annoyed with me because I'm piling on the pressure. Sigh. I mean, I know it doesn't matter if he's annoyed with me - he should stop being so darn useless and save his sister. (The abuser is about 5'6" and Big Bro is 6'5"! Get over there and intimidate the cr*p out of him!) But it's just unpleasant not to be on good terms with a dear family member who you've never had a problem with before.

 

[TooPatient]

My father was abusive. Very.

Thankfully, they were just renting and she finally decided to leave. She took me and my brother and nothing else. We lived in the back of a box truck in a driveway but at least we were safe. She never did get any of her stuff.

I know a little about family law stuff and more than I would like about abuse. Happy to help whenever she needs.

Oh!
Massive thing here -- if she doesn't start keeping records she may have to let him visit alone with the kids after they split. Document. Document. Document.
Ideally, there would be incident reports for each insidance of abuse. Unfortunately, true abusers are dangerous and this may be tricky. Call the police. Talk to shelters. Get local options.

 

[TooPatient]

TooPatient - I don't want to share anything about location. I even keep my own location a secret here. Sorry! I changed the wording of his FB post so no one can look it up, and fudged a couple of other details too, for anonymity. Probably over-careful of me, but I believe you can't be too careful.

I've been worried about my career lately in the long-term and preoccupied with the world of elderly caregiving and cancer, but man, this has put everything into perspective. I hadn't heard anything from her about abuse in a long time, so I thought everything was OK, but it's reliably getting worse over time.

In stuff like this, you can never be too careful. No worries.

Be back in a few minutes with some,more specifics from,my area. Hopefully some will help.

 

[distracts]

My blood pressure must have been through the roof today - I've been almost shaking with anger about what this man is doing to her. Her brothers and her mother are useless, and her dad is dead. I don't think anyone but me understands the danger she's in. I thought she was getting ready to leave him, but today she tells me they've had a chat and she feels much better, and they just need to communicate more. I feel as if I'm in the Twilight Zone!

This is what abusers do - this is why the abused let it continue, because the abuser always plants the hope that it could be better.

I really have no idea what to do. I hope everything turns out okay. Sending dust your way and her way.

 

[Jambalaya]

Thanks, TP. Unfortunately I don't think my cousin has ever realized the danger she's in and she's kind of a happy-go-lucky passive type of person, so I'm pretty sure she hasn't documented anything. However, there's a long list of calls she's made to me over the last ten years distressed, and I would be more than happy to testify about all that.

I really told her some home truths today. I told her to get out while she and her brother are all still youngish and her mother is still alive with a family home to go to, and while she and her husband still have good jobs. I told her that she is still young and strong but that she may not always be, and told her that cancer and other sicknesses would come to her generation too. I told her that if she stayed, in future years I could imagine a scenario where her mother is gone, maybe her big brother too, and she is going through chemotherapy while her husband abuses her, because abusers prey on weakness. I said even worse, what if he gets cancer and you need to nurse him! I asked her to imagine what age and illness will do to his behavior.

I didn't point out that her kids are becoming severely damaged by all this - her little girl was only three when she yelled at daddy to leave mommy alone. I didn't point out to her that I think she's a terrible, terrible mother for staying with him and exposing her children to that, because she's under severe stress and I think laying that guilt trip on her is going too far. But if she doesn't take control of the situation, it will end up taking control of her. If she doesn't create a safe environment for the kids....maybe the services will take the kids away from the both of them. More people are getting to know about the abuse - for example my cousin didn't go to work this week, and she did tell her boss why.

Her boss was sympathetic. But I know that people don't want to get involved. They turn a blind eye, as my family is doing. Her mother doesn't want to know - she's a complete wet noodle - and her other brother is about as much use as a chocolate fireguard. So it's all swept under the rug, and meanwhile women like my cousin suffer. It's wrong. Why can't we the bystanders bust it all open and save these women? Why do we have to shut up about it? But I take the point about her being in danger.

 

[Jambalaya]

My blood pressure must have been through the roof today - I've been almost shaking with anger about what this man is doing to her. Her brothers and her mother are useless, and her dad is dead. I don't think anyone but me understands the danger she's in. I thought she was getting ready to leave him, but today she tells me they've had a chat and she feels much better, and they just need to communicate more. I feel as if I'm in the Twilight Zone!

This is what abusers do - this is why the abused let it continue, because the abuser always plants the hope that it could be better.

I really have no idea what to do. I hope everything turns out okay. Sending dust your way and her way.

Yup, exactly. And she just can't see it. But I thought he was a dangerous weirdo from the first time I met him, and she never could see it. He was always horrible to her, and she went and married him and had kids with him anyway. I just don't think she can judge character or intentions or extrapolate current events to the future at all.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I don't think it is safe for anyone else to report him while she and the kids are staying at the house. Even if someone else reported it, she would have to confirm it for anything to really happen. It is totally unacceptable for children to witness that, I agree with you.

 

[Jambalaya]

Great!! I just got through to the domestic violence helpline and they wouldn't talk to me because I was calling from out of their state, even though the victim is in their state! The cell signal in here wasn't good, so I couldn't make out what they were saying, but it sounded like they were advocating all softly-softly and that the victim needs to call the police. I also called the Samaritans for advice but no luck there either. Is no one going to help this woman and her children since she can't help herself? Apparently not. I'm being met with a wall of silence from her family to the services.

Her local police station is closed now but I can call tomorrow and just ask advice without giving any names. But at this point I'm not expecting much. Her state seems good at its own PR regarding their services for violence against women, but I'm not finding that this holds up in practice.

So I guess I just have to wait until she gets really hurt. Great. Or until the abuse continues at this level for years and she ends up with major depression. I find receiving her SOS calls and not being able to actually do anything about that monster very stressful.

 

[Jambalaya]

I don't think it is safe for anyone else to report him while she and the kids are staying at the house. Even if someone else reported it, she would have to confirm it for anything to really happen. It is totally unacceptable for children to witness that, I agree with you.

Well, I think that she and the kids are going to stay at the house, so I guess the whole thing will just go on.

You know, a few years ago I was very worried about her, but I realized that she wasn't going to leave him and therefore I made a decision to simply not worry about the situation, since it was her choice to live like that. That worked, until a couple of days ago when I got her SOS and realized that the abuse had gotten worse.

But perhaps I am just going to have to accept that living in this situation is what she is doing and put it out of my mind again. I thought the state could deal with him without her making a complaint, but apparently not.

 

[TooPatient]

Okay. At actual computer now instead of my phone.

I am in Washington state. Everything I know is from the laws as written or enforced here in this state. Specifically, the western side of the state.

My mother called the police repeatedly. I don't know the specifics but I do know it was due to the abuse. I was 6 and under as this was going on. My life was nothing but nightmare. Every night, I would go to bed and pray that the police didn't come again and that I was good enough that my dad wouldn't be mad again. I remember huddling under the blankets hugging my dolls wishing to stay awake forever because bad happened when I slept. It was bad enough that I would curl up to sleep in closets and other stuff like that trying to find a "safe" place. Most of the abuse was directed at my mom, but some involved me too.
When she left, she just stuck us in the car and took nothing. He grabbed a big chunk of wood (like 8x8?) and threw it at the car. Smashed against where I was sitting in the car. She went (again) to the police and made out (another) report.
We lived in the back of a truck (think small U-Haul) for a few months until she could get a cheap rental.
The courts gave him visitation. Alone.
I had to spend every other weekend plus a couple of weeks in the summer plus different school breaks with him. It didn't end. He kept up the pattern with a new girlfriend. I spent the time with him cold (they smoked and left windows open in winter) with no blankets (I gave the thin one I had to my younger brother because he would shiver in his sleep) and hungry (they only ate one meal a day when we were with them but would sometimes leave us alone and go out so there was no food).

After all that, I still wish my mother had left earlier and left smarter. I still have nightmares. I still have to have a blanket to hide under at night. I still go to tight corners when anxious.
If she had left sooner it would have been easier. I would not have as many memories like that.


Okay...
So the smarter.

Document. Document. Document.
If she leaves the house, it will be harder to get him out. To help with that, carefully record all she pays in household expenses, mortgage, repairs, maintenance, etc. Make it CLEAR it is her house.
Having the kids with her will help too. The courts (keep in mind this is WA) tend to want the kids to be in a house.

Document more.
Pictures, dates, times, who was around. Get it all. She needs to show she was in serious danger. She also needs to watch interactions with the kids. ANY tiny thing. Record it. She needs to be able to convince the court that he is a danger to the kids. (BTW, people have murdered their own kids even if they hadn't abused before to get even with a partner who left them.)

Document even more.
When she leaves, keep a clear trail of ALL correspondence. Don't throw out anything. Keep to written text/email/mail as much as possible. Get him to put it in writing.

DOCUMENT!!!
We live in the age of cameras. Get them. Leave the phone or computer recording. Get these things on record. In full. That way it isn't his word against her word.


Important resources:
good family law attorney
women's shelter
police

Talk to them. Get advice. Find out what she can do.

Be prepared to move quick when the time comes. Restraining order is NOT protection. She needs the locks changed IMMEDIATELY and a monitored security system in IMMEDIATELY. As in, as soon as he walks out the door -- or while he is out. Install cameras, window/door sensors, exterior lighting, everything. It is NOT expensive (like you could do it all for small hundreds of dollars -- which is super inexpensive compared to their safety). Just do it.
Personally, I would suggest she sell the house and move across the country. With full custody of the kids. Get away from him.


The important thing is that she NOT allow him to establish himself as the primary parent in the house. SHE needs to be doing as much of the child care stuff as possible. SHE needs to be paying the mortgage, managing repairs, paying bills, feeding kids, clothing kids, dropping off & picking up, and every last thing she can to make sure she is seen as THE parent.
The kids do NOT need to be stuck with visiting an abuser like him.



Please let me know if there are specific questions or anything. This is very close to home for me. NO ONE should have to suffer through that.

 

[TooPatient]

What you can do:

Learn about what is available in her state. Be ready. It is so much and so overwhelming.
Know about restraining orders and how to keep him out of the house. Know where to call to have the locks changed and security installed.

Document everything you can. Note the dates. Keep emails and texts.

Be a safe place for her to send. If she won't do herself, have her email or text to you BEFORE she deletes. That way you have it if she ever needs it but she doesn't have to have it around. (also good so he doesn't destroy it all)

 

[Jambalaya]

Too Patient, I am beyond grateful to you for writing out all that. Seriously, I really, really appreciate it. I broke off from reading to send her an email with your camera phone tip. She came back saying that she "didn't want to think about this today because she has the kids' school play to organize"!! This is just hopeless. She's never going to get up the impetus to leave him. He has worked his magic and made her believe they have a real future together, and so it goes on. It's been ten years and I actually think it might end up being another ten or twenty.

Thank you so much for sharing your heart-rending experience. That can't have been easy. I think you are an amazing and brave person to have come through all that and still be the wonderful and caring person that you clearly are. (((((Hugs))))))

What you wrote is very useful. I agree with all of it, especially about her not leaving the house and making sure to be the main parent. I also agree about getting away from him properly with the kids and all the rest of what you wrote about him not having custody or visitation at all. In her state, with offenders, sometimes child visitation is allowed literally in a room at a justice facility with a couple of social workers present. That's the only level of visitation I would say is appropriate.

But no, he has reeled her back in. And we her family have to sit on our hands. It's killing me, not to go hell for leather and deal with this person. I cannot imagine any other scenario in life where I would sit back and not let justice be served.

I guess I just have to live with it. It seems as if busting it all open would be a bad thing to do - all advice says to be the opposite.

And this is how women end up very hurt.

TooPatient, you are so very right in everything you wrote. Thank you so very much for everything in your post. You are a very special person xxxxxx

 

[Jambalaya]

What you can do:

Learn about what is available in her state. Be ready. It is so much and so overwhelming.
Know about restraining orders and how to keep him out of the house. Know where to call to have the locks changed and security installed.

Document everything you can. Note the dates. Keep emails and texts.

Be a safe place for her to send. If she won't do herself, have her email or text to you BEFORE she deletes. That way you have it if she ever needs it but she doesn't have to have it around. (also good so he doesn't destroy it all)

Sadly, TP, she is just too passive to document anything, and she has no idea whatsoever how much danger she's in. It's like a canary singing down the mines, not knowing it's for the chop. The fact that I just emailed her your phone camera tip and she came back basically saying "oh don't bother me, I'm not worried about it now" just shows me that she is not taking her situation seriously. But it's unfair of her to send me an SOS, worry me, upset me, and then tell me that she feels much better and they just need to communicate more! This has taken over my week!

I think I need to give less to others, even if they are family. Next time she sends an SOS, I'll be there for her but I won't be so invested in trying to make it all work out. She really sounded like she was gearing up to leave him and then the next day it was all off. I guess I've learned tonight from discussing here and calling various agencies, and from her own slack attitude toward her situation, that really, if no one cares including her, why should I care?

But what she is putting her children through disgusts me.

 

[arkieb1]

See if you can get her to read some articles from this and perhaps if anything resonates with her, it might help her to seek change;

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissist-behaviours.htm

Women in relationships with narcissists and abusive men are usually co-dependant and it takes something either horrible to be the final straw or a new level of self realisation to realise they can change/break free from the controlling men in their lives.

 

[distracts]

So I guess I just have to wait until she gets really hurt. Great. Or until the abuse continues at this level for years and she ends up with major depression. I find receiving her SOS calls and not being able to actually do anything about that monster very stressful.

Unfortunately this is the reality - if SHE doesn't want to do it, it's not going to get done. I know you don't want to hear this, but you should think about setting boundaries for yourself and telling her you can't hear about it if she's not going to leave - that if she's going to leave, you will back her 100% of the way, find resources, help in every way, but if she's not even considering it, you can't talk about her relationship. She doesn't get to just unload on you if she's not doing anything to change the situation - that's not fair for you, when you are so sympathetic and so willing to help. You are a good friend, Jambalaya, but she can't see that right now apparently. Of course, I understand that you may not want to set a boundary like that and would rather know what is going on than not know - and in that case, PS is always here to support YOU, while you support her.

 

[iLander]

Don't blow things up before you have a plan. That would be harmful.

Now is actually the best time because the kids aren't in school and he won't know where to go and get them.

She needs to understand that no matter how many eggshells she walks on, he won't get better. He's mentally ill and he is decompensating. He will only get worse. She is on the road to hell.

She needs to realize the kids know and see all this. They think it's okay and right because that is what he is teaching them. In this scenario, she's raising/creating 2 victims, or 2 more abusers. Kids live what they learn.

But if she doesn't want to leave, you won't get her out. Try figuring out why she has such low self esteem (probably because of him), and bring her back to the place she was before he met her, the mental place where she had some self esteem. Make her realize that if not for her, then do it for her children.

But if she does want to leave, she needs to make a plan. Pick a place to go, find a female divorce lawyer that will freeze the assets when she walks out, pack up and leave when he's gone. Go as far away as possible. Tell the police, call a women's shelter, get as many records out there as possible. And tell her he will contact her and either sweet talk her or threaten her or both. She needs counseling at the women's shelter. Remind her of the OJ Simpson case which was an abusive ex-husband killing the wife and boyfriend. Ask her if she wants to be there one day.

 

[House Cat]

The only victims in this home are the children. The adults are active participants. Difficult enough to accept, their mother has choices and she is choosing to keep her children in this abusive environment. She is considered the "enabler."

Once again, she is enabling the abuse being perpetrated in the home. Therefore, she is actively participating in damaging the psyches of these children.

Outofthefog.net has a lot of advice for people dealing with abusers. Look at support forums.

In my state, if the abused party chooses to keep the children in this type of environment, the children will be removed from the custody of BOTH parents...rightfully so.


I am being a hard-a$$ right now because I really want you to see what is happening. I am hoping you can draw a line with your loved one too. She is in a fog of abuse and she needs to see that her children are being permanently damaged right now. Their brains are being permanently damaged right now. Research shows that children who are exposed to this kind of chronic trauma affects a person's health throughout their lives. They have more medical conditions, addiction, mental illness, horrible relationships, reduced brain size. The list goes on and on and on.

This isn't a matter of the children being "scared." This is a matter of the children being permanently scarred. It is my personal experience that once these wounds are created, you can't get rid of them, you can only work with them, but they are a part of you forever. I know you will do what you can to get her to protect her kids, but if you can't...please call child protective services and get those kids out of the home.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95ovIJ3dsNk Ted talk about childhood trauma and its affect across life. Please watch.

On a side note: Everything has really escalated with this man. Does he have some kind of diagnosed mental illness?

 

[Jambalaya]

Oh, man, I so agree with everything that the latest posters have said! Replying below individually:

 

[Jambalaya]

See if you can get her to read some articles from this and perhaps if anything resonates with her, it might help her to seek change;

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissist-behaviours.htm

Women in relationships with narcissists and abusive men are usually co-dependant and it takes something either horrible to be the final straw or a new level of self realisation to realise they can change/break free from the controlling men in their lives.

Hi Arkie, thanks so much for the link. I emailed her with TooPatient's camera phone suggestion and I also told her I would be free to testify in court against him anytime. She came back somewhat annoyed, and her brother is annoyed with me too, because I pushed back against his wet-noodle approach. I've told them how it is and I don't think they want to receive any more emails from me for now. I also truly believe that she is not going to get herself out and that something horrible will have to happen.

 

[Jambalaya]

So I guess I just have to wait until she gets really hurt. Great. Or until the abuse continues at this level for years and she ends up with major depression. I find receiving her SOS calls and not being able to actually do anything about that monster very stressful.

Unfortunately this is the reality - if SHE doesn't want to do it, it's not going to get done. I know you don't want to hear this, but you should think about setting boundaries for yourself and telling her you can't hear about it if she's not going to leave - that if she's going to leave, you will back her 100% of the way, find resources, help in every way, but if she's not even considering it, you can't talk about her relationship. She doesn't get to just unload on you if she's not doing anything to change the situation - that's not fair for you, when you are so sympathetic and so willing to help. You are a good friend, Jambalaya, but she can't see that right now apparently. Of course, I understand that you may not want to set a boundary like that and would rather know what is going on than not know - and in that case, PS is always here to support YOU, while you support her.

Distracts - oh man, I so hear you. I would never put up with this offloading and then being annoyed with me when I react if she was a friend. Can you say boundaries?? It had already occurred to me how unfair it is, just like you outlined above. But she's family. It crossed my mind to do exactly what you suggest and say I can't hear about it anymore if she is not going to leave him, but that leaves her with a major listening outlet gone, and she'll be more isolated. When she tells me things, it's insulated from her social circle because I'm family, so she doesn't have to feel embarrassed, you know? Not that she has anything whatsoever to feel embarrassed about, but women in these situations often do feel so, I know. If I cut her off from telling me, it would be very isolating for her. But she only gets this free pass because she's family. If she was a friend I would withdraw in frustration and self-protection.

I actually received a similar SOS from her this time last year, although this year's was worse. My help hasn't been appreciated and I kind of wish I hadn't taken a "first responder" kind of approach now, rushing to her aid.

Next time, I think I'll just make sympathetic cooing noises but I won't be so invested in the problem. She has to fix it, and like I said, if the services that I called don't care, and her family doesn't care, and even she doesn't care any more, why should I care?

 

[iLander]

Based on your cousin and her brother, both taking a passive role in this, I'm wondering if your aunt or uncle abused them as children? Their reaction is not quite normal . . .