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10 year high school reunion - how do I handle this?

jordyonbass

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Hey guys,

So this might seem like a bit of a sad and dreary post, but I am looking for some advice and guidance from those who have also been bullied on how to handle a situation that they may be forced into unwillingly. Here's a short of it all:

When I was growing up I didn't play video games, computer games or anything like that. From a young age my father handed me fishing rods, knives, bows etc and raised me to love the outdoors and be a woodsman in case one day I found myself in the wilderness. I cannot seriously thank my father enough for the experience he gave me as a child; between all the animal and fish knowledge, hunting and subsistence skills that he has taught me - I have now basically a skill set where I feel like I can enter any environment with minimal items and thrive off what I can find and what I know. I basically have my father to thank for teaching me how to live without needing any creature comforts, while I don't choose to live this way it is an option I can make if I have to.

Most of my friends that I have nowadays admire my skills and are sometimes even wanting me to teach them, but it was not always this way. When I was in high school this passion proved to be my social downfall; as we all know kids are cruel and will find the tallest poppy or the nail that sticks out in order to destroy it. So I was basically bullied through my entire high school years, names like 'caveman', 'neanderthal', 'evolutions missing link' etc being an hourly event (oh and liking heavy metal music is a death sentence as well). However it didn't get to it's darkest moment until just after the end.

The last year of high school and the first year after was vicious, fights were becoming more and more frequent for me as I took less and less crap and decided to stand up for myself against my 'classmates' after 5 years of torment. Approximately 12 months after I finished high school I had been diagnosed with PTSD and had begun to take a lot of cocaine and speed to escape my interim reality between my former hellish life and my current adult life which I hadn't quite started at the time. It was at that point that I had decided the best thing for me to do was to emancipate myself from the people from my high school life. Students, parents, siblings, teachers etc. I cut out the entire community to heal myself and start life again.

So fast forward to now, I'm happily married and doing what I want to do with myself for the most part. I'm living 700 miles away from where I went to school, I've got my boy-toys, I'd moved past that part of my life...or so I thought...
Yesterday I received a message inviting me to a 10 year school reunion, which I had initially responded to with something along the lines of 'Sorry but I believe you may have sent this to the wrong person'. I had disregarded this message but soon realized I was the right recipient of the message when I got a reply saying 'Eyy Caveman it's you yeah? sup bro you still rubbing sticks together and throwing spears at Kangaroos?'

Instantly, I felt bitter and started shaking when I read that. All those memories that were gone for nearly ten years had come flooding back. I literally have not replied to that message since.

Here's my dilemma; I have family and friends saying that I should go to the reunion as 'people change over time, they become nicer, they forget etc' and that it may help with full recovery and closure from the PTSD that I suffered from their harrassment. I don't tend to agree with that theory, yet I have people around me telling me to not be stubborn and to reach out to those guys. The last time I saw any of those guys face to face, it ended in a fist fight so right around then I decided to start my life over to heal from my previous one.

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this where they were reunited (for lack of a better word) with a bully or people who had caused them nothing but grief and anger? If so, how did it go? What were you most worried about? What were you most confident about? I feel like I may have no choice but go to this event and want to make sure I am preparing myself correctly to come out the other side OK.

Abbreviation: I'm possibly bumping into my bullies from high school and am wondering if anyone would agree/disagree that people don't necessarily change over time.
 

arkieb1

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If they are still addressing you that way even if it is friendly jest via emails and F/B and it is causing you even a small amount of stress then I think you should NOT go personally. Especially if it could potentially end in punches.

I have a son who is the opposite he is the geeky kid on the computer who has a reading age many years older than his peers who gets tormented at school because he prefers to have his head in a book or be in a computer lab rather than playing footy and soccer with the other boys. School can be tough, if it wasn't a nice place for you and you have moved on why re-live it.
 

TooPatient

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I graduated high school 12 years ago. Moved away and didn't tell anyone where I was going. (Just my mom, one aunt & one set of grandparents.) Never had e-mail until after hs. Didn't have a cell phone for them to know. I really just disappeared.

It wasn't until just a couple of months ago that I sort of poked my head up to see what any of them were doing. Missed my 10 year (they didn't know where to find me).

Signed up for FB (mostly for business, but have to interact to seem "real" so there I am...) and got curious. Saw someone from my hs on a family member's page and started to follow from one friend list to another to see where people ended up. I think it actually helped me. Some of the most nasty people are now struggling to make ends meet (um... can you say karma for all that tormenting that my family didn't have much?) and a lot of them seem to have turned into pretty decent people.
I actually sent a few friend requests and was met with "Oh my GOSH!!! Where have you been? I miss you!" from a couple and all the rest just friendly occasional comments. Even the "popular" guys are posting pictures of them with little babies and stuff like that.


So...
I would suggest you maybe try something like that first. You don't have to friend anyone. Just look at their pages (a lot of hs classes have a FB group so you can get a big list without lots of searching) and see how you feel. Do they seem different? Do they seem immature and like the same people who tormented you?

Might be good for you whether you go or not. Seeing them as real people not the horrible people you remember (or in my case, seeing a few truly horrible but mostly just nice) may be a help.
And if they do look like you remember them.... then don't bother to go and know that YOU turned out awesome and THEY are the people with problems.

Good luck with your decision. I know the anxiety of figuring it out is not fun.
 

Dancing Fire

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10 year high school reunion?...Thanks for making me feel so old... ;(
 

kenny

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You DO have a choice.
Don't go and don't give it another thought.

You owe these people from your past AND the people in your present absolutely nothing.
You are the boss of your life.
 

jordyonbass

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arkie and TP

You two are like the left and right side of my brain right now. A lot of me is saying to just avoid the situation and keep moving on with my life, but my family knows how much pain that high school brought me and they genuinely think that I should go to bring some kind of closure to probably the toughest period of my life. It's a 50-50 mix between guys who look like they have matured and moved on with life and some who haven't. It's a bit of a guess by going I would say as I haven't spoken to literally a single person I went to school with in about 8-9 years or so.

And arkie yeah I was active, but not in the right way. I was into all sorts of stuff nobody else was like the outdoors, fishing, heavy metal music and when you're the nail that sticks out in an all boys school like that - you REALLY get hammered. I think that's what your son and I have in common, we are the nails that stick out.

Sorry DF!! If it makes you feel any better, people have been picking me for 40 years old since I was 23. I think it's just the long gandalf beard though :lol:
 

arkieb1

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Normally I would say embrace your fears.... I am all for resolving and healing things in the past as well. Two things however bother me about doing this in this situation. One is that it is already causing you a certain level of anxiety so I can only imagine how much worse this is going to be on the day/night of the event and the second is that you stated you have an email with someone referring to you in a way that used to upset you. They probably didn't mean any malice by that but it demonstrates that they have not evolved to a place where they can even see that any nicknames were upsetting to you and why.
 

missy

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First of all Jordy, I am so sorry you went through all this and my heart goes out to you. What a terrible experience but you have come through it stronger and better than ever and have a good life and a happy marriage and living well is the best revenge right?

If it were me no I wouldn't go. IMO these people are not worth your energy, your time, or your consideration. Sure people can change over time but for the most part they are who they are and you have nothing to prove to anyone including yourself because you are a good person and have a good life and there is no need (unless you really want to) to dredge up bad memories from the past. Sure you might be pleasantly surprised by some people but in my experience people don't change very much.

Whatever you decide I hope you can make peace with and be content with your decision. What does your lovely wife think you should do?
 

Gypsy

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missy|1435830363|3897805 said:
First of all Jordy, I am so sorry you went through all this and my heart goes out to you. What a terrible experience but you have come through it stronger and better than ever and have a good life and a happy marriage and living well is the best revenge right?

If it were me no I wouldn't go. IMO these people are not worth your energy, your time, or your consideration. Sure people can change over time but for the most part they are who they are and you have nothing to prove to anyone including yourself because you are a good person and have a good life and there is no need (unless you really want to) to dredge up bad memories from the past. Sure you might be pleasantly surprised by some people but in my experience people don't change very much.

Whatever you decide I hope you can make peace with and be content with your decision. What does your lovely wife think you should do?

I agree with this.

I didn't go to mine. Any of mine. Had no desire to either.

Why? I like my life now. As it is. And nothing and no one from back then could add to it in a positive way. So why would I want to even risk letting those people (who mean nothing to me) taint the happiness I have now?

I was illogical to go for me. And honestly, I think its illogical for you to go as well.
 

momhappy

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Most of us get teased/bullied in some ways as teens and I realize that it can be worse for some than others. I'm sorry that you went through that. If it stirs up bad memories/thoughts, then I'd probably suggest not going. People do change, but it sounds like you still have negative feelings about it. I don't believe that you need to handle the situation at all - if you don't want to go, don't respond, and don't go. You are an adult and can make your own choices, so unless you want to prove something to yourself, then ignore the invite and continue moving forward with your life =)
 

CJ2008

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Jordy,

The question is do you *want* to go?

I think if you want to go, you should go. And prepare for the "what ifs" and exactly how you'd handle them if they happen.

IF someone is rude or insensitive to me, I will excuse myself (know what you'd say) then I will make my rounds of goodbyes to the people who are pleasant and will leave.

Etc.

You also can give yourself a time limit to be there - say 1 hour - and know that it is totally OK if you go for just one hour - even if it takes you 2 hours to get there - and then leave.

But if you don't truly want to go...

I wouldn't bother and wouldn't look to this event to bring you closure. That is kind of a lot of pressure to put into one evening. I feel like you can give yourself some closure in a different way - and that is by truly start telling yourself and believing that it was their loss that they didn't recognize you for the nice and interesting person that you were back then. And that you don't need to prove anything to them now. For those that turned out to be decent people, that could bring you some comfort, that the world is a better place because of that. And hopefully they're teaching their kids to treat others kindly. For the ones who are still the same way...you don't need that kind of negativity or poison, even for just one night.
 

chrono

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missy|1435830363|3897805 said:
First of all Jordy, I am so sorry you went through all this and my heart goes out to you. What a terrible experience but you have come through it stronger and better than ever and have a good life and a happy marriage and living well is the best revenge right?

If it were me no I wouldn't go. IMO these people are not worth your energy, your time, or your consideration. Sure people can change over time but for the most part they are who they are and you have nothing to prove to anyone including yourself because you are a good person and have a good life and there is no need (unless you really want to) to dredge up bad memories from the past. Sure you might be pleasantly surprised by some people but in my experience people don't change very much.

Whatever you decide I hope you can make peace with and be content with your decision. What does your lovely wife think you should do?

Add me as another who agrees with this. Is there any benefit for you to attend this function? It isn't a requirement and unless there is someone you want to meet, I would skip it altogether. Life is too short to be stressed out or anxious.
 

charleston1

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First off, I am sorry for the pain you have gone through.

Delete the email, don't respond.

Don't go and try not to think about it again.

These people do not deserve to be in the same room with you.
 

Laila619

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I'm sorry you went through that. Kids can be so mean. :((

I was kind of awkward/nerdy in high school. Didn't have a ton of close friends. I was a late bloomer. Never had a boyfriend. By the time my 10 year HS reunion rolled around, I was happily married to a successful, hot husband. I was happy, attractive, and successful myself. And I had zero interest in attending that reunion. No thanks!

If I were you, I would NOT go. Leave the past in the past. Who needs those people?
 

House Cat

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I don't see why you would put yourself in that situation for one moment. You said you have grown and moved on. That is enough. Draw the line in the sand.

Your body told you how you feel. PTSD is an indicator of danger. If you were to go, you will retraumatize yourself and you will most likely go through months and months of acting out the trauma. Why would you put yourself and your family through such an ordeal?


I have PTSD. When I get triggered by small things, it can take me weeks to work out the surge of chemicals that come with the process of being triggered.

(preface: I am not telling you this for "i'm sorry housecat's...)
Furthermore, let me put all of this in perspective for you...

One of my PTSD events is a violent rape. After that event, I went on the warpath against myself too, acting out the trauma. The body/mind needs to do this. One of the foremost experts on trauma, Peter Levine, author of Waking the Tiger, describes animals in the wild. He states that when an animal of prey escapes a predator, they usually have a seizure or something like it in order to shake off the adrenaline and other chemicals that came with the extreme trauma that they just experienced. Then they hop away and are able to be normal. We don't do that! Instead, we act out or store the trauma in our bodies or both! (He encourages us to act out the trauma in a therapeutic setting...) Some of us really act out against ourselves. You did this with drugs. I did it with other self-destructive behavior and almost ended up dead with a final suicide attempt. What I am saying is your trauma led you to a very dark place.

I have worked on healing and I am good now, but here is the question... Now that I have told you the dark place that my trauma has taken me, would you advise me to have dinner with my assailant, simply because I was invited? If the answer is no, then why would you go to this reunion full of people who caused you so much anguish and pain, simply because you were invited?

People who haven't walked your PTSD walk will not understand your pain. Your family will tell you "should" go. There is a term I love that says "you should stop "shoulding" all over yourself." You can give yourself permission NOT to go. You aren't a coward for not going, quite the contrary, you have grown and moved on. You've built a beautiful life for yourself in spite of the people who really tried to destroy you. The only reason I would see to go at this point would be to rub that fact in their faces and that doesn't honor the beauty that you have built. That is becoming one of them.
 

Laila619

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By the way, I just wanted to say that with the way so many boys today are just video game playing couch potatoes, I think it's really cool that your dad taught you all that stuff and you learned important things. Very admirable!
 

canuk-gal

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HI:

My 10 year reunion included a "trip down memory lane"--where the MC had photos and captions included to "get a laugh". I don't know if this is standard practice, but it isn't unusual to have these displays, as is how people remember each given many people do not keep in contact with each other and have updated pictures. If seeing yourself in that context is enough to cause unnecessary stress, then do not put yourself in that position. On the positive side, I felt not much emphasis was placed on these old photos, etc.

FWIW, I found most people kind and any reference to old habits (I changed my hair every week that I got teased relentlessly about it) were only in jest and it was very limited. I honestly did not feel anyone was malicious. In fact, more than anything, most people wanted to know about your family and profession and how you moved forward in life.

In retrospect, most of us were struggling with something--and for some, that manifested itself in awkward and even vicious behavior. Honestly, people do more on and grow up. You never know, some of your old classmates may want some fishing tips!

Good luck with your decision!

cheers--Sharon
 

TooPatient

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CJ2008|1435839707|3897829 said:
Jordy,

The question is do you *want* to go?

I think if you want to go, you should go. And prepare for the "what ifs" and exactly how you'd handle them if they happen.

IF someone is rude or insensitive to me, I will excuse myself (know what you'd say) then I will make my rounds of goodbyes to the people who are pleasant and will leave.

Etc.

You also can give yourself a time limit to be there - say 1 hour - and know that it is totally OK if you go for just one hour - even if it takes you 2 hours to get there - and then leave.

But if you don't truly want to go...

I wouldn't bother and wouldn't look to this event to bring you closure. That is kind of a lot of pressure to put into one evening. I feel like you can give yourself some closure in a different way - and that is by truly start telling yourself and believing that it was their loss that they didn't recognize you for the nice and interesting person that you were back then. And that you don't need to prove anything to them now. For those that turned out to be decent people, that could bring you some comfort, that the world is a better place because of that. And hopefully they're teaching their kids to treat others kindly. For the ones who are still the same way...you don't need that kind of negativity or poison, even for just one night.


This.

It sounds like you know some have changed and others haven't. You don't need that in your life again if they are still like that.

Go ONLY if you want to. And do what CJ suggested.

If you choose not to go, you can always contact the nice people individually.
 

smitcompton

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Hi Jordy,

No, I would not go. You're fine now. Sure, people can change, but they can't take back what they did. Maybe the decision not to go will show you that you have mastered your fears of those people.

Annette
 

telephone89

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If I were you, I would not go. Especially being so far away, I would not spend the time or money to drive/fly just to see those people.
 

yennyfire

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Gypsy|1435837694|3897819 said:
missy|1435830363|3897805 said:
First of all Jordy, I am so sorry you went through all this and my heart goes out to you. What a terrible experience but you have come through it stronger and better than ever and have a good life and a happy marriage and living well is the best revenge right?

If it were me no I wouldn't go. IMO these people are not worth your energy, your time, or your consideration. Sure people can change over time but for the most part they are who they are and you have nothing to prove to anyone including yourself because you are a good person and have a good life and there is no need (unless you really want to) to dredge up bad memories from the past. Sure you might be pleasantly surprised by some people but in my experience people don't change very much.

Whatever you decide I hope you can make peace with and be content with your decision. What does your lovely wife think you should do?

I agree with this.

I didn't go to mine. Any of mine. Had no desire to either.

Why? I like my life now. As it is. And nothing and no one from back then could add to it in a positive way. So why would I want to even risk letting those people (who mean nothing to me) taint the happiness I have now?

I was illogical to go for me. And honestly, I think its illogical for you to go as well.

Jordy, I could have written your post (I was bullied about different things...namely, not wanting to drink/do drugs or have sex with random guys). I have terrible memories of high school and even skipped my HS graduation. I am well past my 10 year reunion and many of my classmates have friended me on FB. Those that weren't too nasty, I might accept, some I choose to ignore. In my experience, bullies don't change. The fact that they responded your email the way they did, tells me that at least some of them haven't changed. So, unless you either want to get into it with some dumbass people who never grew up or spend a miserable evening feeling inadequate, miserable, etc. I'd skip it. These people aren't worth your time. The only reason I ever considered going to any of the reunions was to shove it in their faces that I am incredibly successful, have a great marriage, beautiful kids, amazing friends, etc. while most of them still live in the town they grew up in and made nothing of their lives. However, I just decided that they aren't worth it. I wouldn't give them another thought. If I'm being honest though, it still amazes me that seeing these people on FB still stirs up as many negative feelings as it does for me, as much as I try not to let it. Take it from someone at least 10 years your senior, find a way to put it past you and never give them another thought. I'm so sorry that you are even having to deal with this and the feelings it evokes. :((
 

VRBeauty

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I can't offer much insight because I didn't go to any of my high school reunions. Wait a minute - I think maybe I did go to one - my 15th? But it was such a waste of time that I've forgotten all about it! (for perspective, my next reunion would be my 45th.)

I'm not the sort of person to have a large group of close friends. I remained in touch with my one really close friend, and can get in touch with one or two others if I want to - so I don't need a formal reunion to reconnect with the people who really mattered to me.

I suspect that at a 10th reunion, you'll see a lot of the old high school dynamics play out all over again. Since you don't want to go... don't go. It won't preclude you from going to some future reunions when and if you want to do so.
 

aviastar

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Skip it. So what if some of them have changed? Does that mean you'll get 'closure' from meeting them again? No. Maybe if they sincerely apologized, but that seems like a movie script to me and not real life- even if they grew up to be decent guys, many of them probably don't have any idea they have so much to apologize for. Ignorance is bliss.

Your successful, happy life now is all the closure you need and you already have it! :appl: Skip it and don't give it another thought.
 

momhappy

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I wanted to also add that yes, I had a bully in HS and I saw her at my 10 yr reunion and again at my 20. It was fine. It was still slightly awkward, but we both realized that a lot changes over time and that who you are in HS, does not necessarily define you as a person. After my 20 yr reunion, we actually friended each other on FB, so I guess that some good came out of it. I think that some people just handle things differently - I chose not to hold on to the negative stuff that I experienced as a child/teen (both at school and in my family life), but I know for some, that's a difficult thing to do.
 

PintoBean

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700 miles away? Skip it!

I didn't have the most pleasant of high school experiences... I got back in touch with a high school friend last year. She actually went to the 10 year reunion and told me no more than 5 people showed up... and only 1 out 3 organizers came! Ironically, the teachers used to go on and on about how cohesive my class was. hahahha

Save the travel expenses and go treat yourself to something fun. Go somewhere that you WANT to go.
 

Matata

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jordyonbass|1435825741|3897795 said:
my family knows how much pain that high school brought me and they genuinely think that I should go to bring some kind of closure to probably the toughest period of my life.

Ugh. Well, for me personally, the only way I could get closure is if I had the strength to tell my abusers how they affected my life with no expectation that such a revelation would make a difference to them. But I would not do that if I thought it had any chance of causing a recurrence of the PTSD.
 

partgypsy

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Nah, don't go. As others said you don't owe those people ANYTHING. I wasn't picked on but I was a nerd, and there was one popular girl in HS who was just plain mean (not just to me, other people as well).

I did go to my 20th and it was actually nice. Everyone was nice, even the popular ones or jerk athletes. But I didn't just go out of curiosity, I knew ahead of time a couple old friends were going to be there so it was good to catch up with them. People did seem to change/grow up. Really alot of people are insecure or just plain immature during that time of life. Well mostly. The popular mean girl after being fake nice to us, gave us her card (MLM/pyramid scheme) that she would really love for us to be part of. God it was so transparent. She thought she could trade her faded popularity to financially take advantage of her former high school classmates, many of whom she was a b*tch to. My sister and I had a big laugh about that. When we were leaving saw a bunch of those cards in the trash can.
 

momhappy

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I think that potentially one could gain closure (or some there therapeutic benefits) of a HS reunion-type experience. Everyone is different, so while it may be "healing" for some, it may be a nightmare for others. I really think that this is a very personal thing and I don't think that there would necessarily have to be some sort of confrontation, apologies, etc. I don't harbor resentment against those who I felt wronged me/bullied me in HS, but again, I understand that letting that stuff go is more difficult for some people.
jordyonbass - do you want to go to your reunion? You mentioned that others have told you to go, but what do you want? I don't think that you will have any big regrets no matter what you decide because it's just a HS reunion and there will be others that you could choose to attend or not attend. Maybe it might be a good idea to let this one go by and see how you feel win the next one comes around?
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best:)
 

House Cat

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A high school reunion isn't the best place to discuss these kinds of issues in a meaningful way. I don't see this as a good forum for "closure."

I also see confronting people who are lacking in character as a bad idea for trying to bring about closure. A better way to gain closure would be in therapy or talking it through with trusted mentors. Closure is about US, not THEM. I believe it is much more healthy when we realize this and work on this individually.
 

packrat

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I am of two minds on this. In the end, being *that* far away, I doubt I would go, even if I had a stellar relationship w/everyone in my class. That's a long way to go and sit and hang out w/people for a day. If I'm going that far I better get something out of it. Cool museum, amusement park, fishing or something..we just got back from a week fishing in Minnesota and it took 8 hours to get there. I'd not go for a day.

But let's say it was closer. This is where my two minds come in. One tells me-go, hold your head high and go. You are you (that is truer than true :loopy: ) and you are not them. I think well, they were asshats 10 years ago, they could very well be completely different people. Who knows what they were going thru in their home lives to cause them to treat you like that? Not that that is an excuse, I'm just pointing it out. It could be a way to...I don't know, to cauterize old wounds? To work toward healing and moving past/moving forward?

I went to my 11 year (eh, we're from Iowa we can't count) and in the beginning had no desire to go. JD said "you didn't graduate w/Steven Spielberg, they're regular people-maybe after eleven years they've grown up" So, we went, and I'll tell you what, the very first people to greet me were the "popular" people, and they did so w/hugs and such huge grins. I spent 13 years of my life w/them, and it was actually a weird feeling to see them again..like when you feel like your head is floating above your body? We did slip back into our "groups", and I slipped right back into my "leader of the misfits" role, but it was different is all I can say. We had our kids there, our spouses, some were single, some had no kids, everyone just floated around and talked and laughed. People were more open about things, they talked to me about high school and the general consensus was how much more fun it would've been if we were in HS how we were after. When you're that young you don't always have the empathy, the compassion for others that you do when you are older. Some of them talked of the rape that happened to me, and how they had no clue what to do, what to say, how to approach it, so they did nothing, and then as they got older, they were sad, being able to put themselves in my shoes. Some of them referenced a speech I had given in class when we were learning about being up on your soapbox-I got to be on the soapbox, and I made people cry. And they remembered that. They talked about strength in me that they didn't understand at the time, but they could recognize now. There was a respect there that had slowly been growing the last couple years of high school.

That all helped to make me feel a bit better about things. Not perfect, but better. Now, I wouldn't say that my HS experience was as traumatic as yours, and that's part of the reason why I'm of two minds. In some ways it's good to do things head on, to go in w/the expectation that a lot can change in 10 years and they may not be the same people, and if they've changed and grown, there could be some good friendships that come out of it. But, then there's the self preservation aspect of it, too. If you feel it's going to add to the trauma just by virtue of being there, regardless if they're "better" people, it could very well not be in your best interest to go and cause more anxiety and add to those feelings.

If you decide not to go, you could maybe like, dip your toe in and see what the water's like? If they send out the students emails or something, maybe emailing to say hey, how are things? Myself, if someone emailed and acted the same w/the comments, I could look at it that the person didn't actually understand how shitty he was to you back in the day and felt like that was you guys' thing, like how you bantered back and forth, even tho you weren't actually bantering, the other person was just acting like an ass. Or you could look at it that the person is actually an ass. I like to go w/the former rather than the latter, but that's me, and I would try going along w/it back and see what happened...tell him you were excited to discover the wheel but found out someone else beat you to it, and then move on to "So, where are you living now? I'm in X, Y with my wife So and So and I work at blah blah. Do you still like *whatever superfantastical sport they were into or whatever else might be in common* So and So surprised me with tickets for my birthday...." and see what you get back. Maybe they're all still immature knobs but maybe there's some good ones in there.
 
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