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Gays and Lesbians and wedding traditions ...

kenny

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Sure individuals vary, but how do you think same-gender couples will or should do the following? ...

Usually the guy proposes to the gal with a ring.

Garter belt tossing?

Which side does which family sit on?

Who cannot see whom's special clothing before the wedding?

Should the heavier one just carry the lighter one over the threshold?

Who tosses the bouquet?

What other marriage traditions are usually gender specific and how should gays and lesbians do it?
Perhaps they should do things by age ... the older one does X but the younger one does Y.

Discuss. :bigsmile:


... and do yo think Emily Post, or whoever does this today, will write etiquette stuff for these new marriage candidates?
 

Matata

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They should do whatever they darn well please. Mix traditions or create new ones. Personally, I'd like to see something fresh and new that carries significance to each couple rather than same old tired traditions currently in play.
 

Calliecake

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I think they both should get a diamond! Actually I agree with Matata. I think they should do what ever feels comfortable to the couple.
 

kenny

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Well of course I'm not suggesting any thing mandatory.
Just brainstorming some creative ideas.
 

Imdanny

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Kenny, I can only speak for myself, but I'm a bottom, and the top would buy the ring (a wedding band) and propose. In fact, it would have been his idea to want to spend the rest of his life with me. My role is to reject his proposal or to accept it if I agreed to it, if I wanted to commit myself to him for a lifetime, and if he were the one for me. I've never sought attention. I've always let them come to me. People vary, but this is what works for me. I'm too old to think about all of the nuances of whose family sits where, etc. because when I was young, none of this was an option, and people didn't think about two men getting married. It just wasn't something anyone thought about or discussed.
 

Imdanny

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Calliecake|1435550773|3896124 said:
I think they both should get a diamond! Actually I agree with Matata. I think they should do what ever feels comfortable to the couple.

The new same sex marriage right nationwide should be viewed by the jewelry industry as a great opportunity to expand jewelry sales of all kinds.
 

Matata

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Actually, there is a lot that doesn't appeal to me about heterosexual weddings that could be dispensed with in same-sex unions should the couple be so inclined. One is the idea of "giving away the bride" as though she is chattel. So in same-sex weddings, who walks down the aisle first? Why can't both come down together to show that the decision to marry was mutual and that both bring equal potential to the union.

I think it would be nice if wedding guests' seating weren't separated by how they're related to the couple but mixed. We're mixing friends and families by joining as a couple so why not mix the seating?

Traditionally the father of the bride has a larger financial responsibility for a wedding as well and pre and post events. When two women marry, which father of the bride pays for the wedding? Let's go 50/50 if the couple isn't in a position to pay for it themselves. Same for groom/groom weddings. Should be the same for hetero weddings too. Why should one parent have to pay more to get rid of an offpring? LOL.

Who asks first? Whoever gets up the courage first. Whomever has a greater interest in tradition or bling or any of the accoutrements associated with courtship and marriage will probably take the lead. People vary but we aren't that different.
 

packrat

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I dunno, there's things we didn't do w/our wedding that were considered traditional. We didn't have "side" seating, for instance, the ushers-who were also my "man of honor" and "bridesman" just sat people wherever. I can see things turning into "oh well that's a straight thing I don't want to/can't do that b/c I'm gay" or that's a gay thing I can't/don't want to do that b/c I'm straight. Just do your wedding how you want and get married. If you want to do "traditional" things, then you should do them. If you want to do something out of the everyday, do it!
 

AGBF

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packrat|1435557075|3896146 said:
I dunno, there's things we didn't do w/our wedding that were considered traditional. We didn't have "side" seating, for instance....

The same was true for us. My husband's family, who were in Italy, did not come to our wedding, which was in the United States. People sat anywhere in the church since almost everyone there was my family. He had some friends come. We did not do a garter toss because we did not think it was a tradition that had any particular purpose and we did not even know where it had originated. I think it will be a lot of fun to watch as more and more gay weddings are performed to see if any traditions become standard in them.

AGBF :wavey:
 

Imdanny

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One thing I can't imagine is being "given away. " :???:
 

Asscherhalo_lover

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I actually just attended the wedding of my husband's uncle and his partner on Friday night, quite a special day to be married. They are both in their 40's, so grown adults. They walked down the aisle with each other. I don't know how they chose who was on the left or right but each corresponding family sat on that side of the aisle. Their ceremony was performed by a personal friend who had been ordained to perform marriages in NY. They had a few readings, they had the Supreme Court decision read, there was a lot of laughter, their relationship story was shared, they exchanged vows and rings (neither had an engagement ring and they both chose different wedding bands) they had a flower girl but no additional wedding party, they sealed the deal with a kiss and were introduced as "Husbands for life" instead of husband and wife. I thought it was perfect and I assume they did as well. The wedding. Was full of love and joy and the party after showed that through and through.
 

chrono

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Matata|1435556583|3896144 said:
Actually, there is a lot that doesn't appeal to me about heterosexual weddings that could be dispensed with in same-sex unions should the couple be so inclined. One is the idea of "giving away the bride" as though she is chattel. So in same-sex weddings, who walks down the aisle first? Why can't both come down together to show that the decision to marry was mutual and that both bring equal potential to the union.

I think it would be nice if wedding guests' seating weren't separated by how they're related to the couple but mixed. We're mixing friends and families by joining as a couple so why not mix the seating?

Traditionally the father of the bride has a larger financial responsibility for a wedding as well and pre and post events. When two women marry, which father of the bride pays for the wedding? Let's go 50/50 if the couple isn't in a position to pay for it themselves. Same for groom/groom weddings. Should be the same for hetero weddings too. Why should one parent have to pay more to get rid of an offpring? LOL.

Who asks first? Whoever gets up the courage first. Whomever has a greater interest in tradition or bling or any of the accoutrements associated with courtship and marriage will probably take the lead. People vary but we aren't that different.

+1. It is time to move away from the tradition of women as commodity to bartered. Marriage is a union of equal partnership and should be celebrated as such.
 

iLander

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I think both should throw their buttonaires or bouquets, that would double the fun of that! :appl:
 

ame

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kenny|1435548718|3896113 said:
Sure individuals vary, but how do you think same-gender couples will or should do the following? ...

Usually the guy proposes to the gal with a ring.

Garter belt tossing?

Which side does which family sit on?

Who cannot see whom's special clothing before the wedding?

Should the heavier one just carry the lighter one over the threshold?

Who tosses the bouquet?

What other marriage traditions are usually gender specific and how should gays and lesbians do it?
Perhaps they should do things by age ... the older one does X but the younger one does Y.

Discuss. :bigsmile:


... and do yo think Emily Post, or whoever does this today, will write etiquette stuff for these new marriage candidates?
Already does.
 

rubybeth

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I will say that my husband and I did only one of these (guy proposed to girl with ring... but I picked out the ring :naughty: ). I didn't wear a garter, we didn't divide our families by seating on opposite sides of the church, we saw each other in our outfits before the wedding, no threshold carrying happened, and I did not toss my bouquet. So I think everyone should just do whatever traditions they like, ignore whichever ones they like, and all of this is regardless of gender. :D

ETA: also, we walked each other down the aisle, so no "giving away" happened, and DH's "best man" was a female friend. And all of this was in a Roman Catholic church! :bigsmile:
 

partgypsy

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I have no idea. I eloped so I dispensed with much of the traditional stuff (even though my new husband did surprise me by grabbing me and carrying me over the threshold!). For couples who are traditional they can retain the traditions that are meaningful to them. For those who are not, this is new territory and this is a prime opportunity to re-define or re-invent the ceremony/event in a way that that is personally meaningful.
One thing is for sure, the marriage "industry" will definitely try to define everything traditionally, and too the max, as far as "oh you must have a) tons of flowers, b) sit down expensive dinner c) party favors, etc. When really almost anything is optional, and you decide how you want it done.
Some things that I think that are essential/good to retain, is exchange of rings or bands, vows (I personally loved when the couple write their own vows) and a party or get together to share with family, friends, and loved ones.
 

kenny

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rubybeth|1435588238|3896249 said:
... and DH's "best man" was a female friend.

I love this. :dance:

Reminds me ...
I have a dear friend who scubadives.
She's part of some group of lesbians with $$$ who travel the world to the best scuba diving spots.

They had a party at my friend's house to show their slides (remember slide shows?).
I was invited but in order to be admitted they had to make me an honorary lesbian for the evening. :lol:
 

CJ2008

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Chrono|1435579671|3896200 said:
Matata|1435556583|3896144 said:
Actually, there is a lot that doesn't appeal to me about heterosexual weddings that could be dispensed with in same-sex unions should the couple be so inclined. One is the idea of "giving away the bride" as though she is chattel. So in same-sex weddings, who walks down the aisle first? Why can't both come down together to show that the decision to marry was mutual and that both bring equal potential to the union.

I think it would be nice if wedding guests' seating weren't separated by how they're related to the couple but mixed. We're mixing friends and families by joining as a couple so why not mix the seating?

Traditionally the father of the bride has a larger financial responsibility for a wedding as well and pre and post events. When two women marry, which father of the bride pays for the wedding? Let's go 50/50 if the couple isn't in a position to pay for it themselves. Same for groom/groom weddings. Should be the same for hetero weddings too. Why should one parent have to pay more to get rid of an offpring? LOL.

Who asks first? Whoever gets up the courage first. Whomever has a greater interest in tradition or bling or any of the accoutrements associated with courtship and marriage will probably take the lead. People vary but we aren't that different.

+1. It is time to move away from the tradition of women as commodity to bartered. Marriage is a union of equal partnership and should be celebrated as such.

I'm with both of you on all of this...

I find some (most) of the traditions so ridiculous and outdated.
 

madelise

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All I know is, gay weddings would be the most fabulous ever. Beautiful, joyous, and exuberant in celebration-- moreso than the avg straight wedding, as many have waited TOO long for the day to come.
 

Rhea

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Are lots of these traditions even done any longer?

We both proposed, but I did first by about 6 hours!
No sides for a ceremony. We were already standing in the room and greeted guests as they came in.
We saw each other before the wedding, my now DH even picked out the dress I ended up choosing! I passed it over the first time, but he was right and I went back for it.
No carrying over any threshold - does that actually happen or is it just in the movies?
No bouquet toss. I put them in water at the end of the night. I don't have a single friend who has tossed their bouquet bar one who purchased a separate one to toss. Most of us became pretty attached to the pretty flowers or avoided it for other reasons.
My only attendants were my sister and my best friend as my Man of Honor. Mixed gender bridal parties are getting pretty common! I've been to quite a few "hen" nights recently with men on them and my DH to "stag" dos with women there.

Don't even get me started on garter belts and giving away!

Most of these are outdated traditions anyhow. I would think that homosexual couples will pick and choose their traditions just as modern day heterosexual couples do.

Friends J & R, both female, walked each other up the aisle and they held huge rainbow umbrellas because it was raining. Flowers were given, not tossed, to wedding party consisting of friends both married and single, during a poem about how each of them was special to the couple.

I think we'll see more unique touches that mean something to each person and the couple rather than the route following of meaningless and mindless traditions.
 

missy

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Another vote for making each wedding unique and special for that couple and eschewing certain (distasteful for some) wedding traditions. We didn't toss the garter belt or the bouquet nor did my dh carry me over the threshold. And not only did we see each other the day of the wedding before the ceremony but we were getting ready together before the ceremony and we were together the night before as we were living with each other and there was no reason for him to go to a hotel the night before the wedding LOL.

These wedding traditions were not something we wanted to follow but to each his/her own.
We made the day special for us and our loved ones too. And it remains to this day one of our very favorite memories.

Looking forward to everyone who wants to get married being able to do so now and being able to create their very own special memories. :appl:
 

msop04

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Wouldn't the entire point be to do whatever you want? I mean... if someone says something is "traditional", wouldn't that just turn into one more thing to bitch and fight over?? Just do you!! (let all the straight, religious folks be bothered with those pesky traditions) HA! :lol: ;)) :bigsmile:
 

msop04

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missy|1435669037|3896735 said:
Another vote for making each wedding unique and special for that couple and eschewing certain (distasteful for some) wedding traditions. We didn't toss the garter belt or the bouquet nor did my dh carry me over the threshold. And not only did we see each other the day of the wedding before the ceremony but we were getting ready together before the ceremony and we were together the night before as we were living with each other and there was no reason for him to go to a hotel the night before the wedding LOL.

These wedding traditions were not something we wanted to follow but to each his/her own.
We made the day special for us and our loved ones too. And it remains to this day one of our very favorite memories.

Looking forward to everyone who wants to get married being able to do so now and being able to create their very own special memories. :appl:

Right!! :appl: :appl: :appl:
 

azstonie

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Being "given away" is kind of creepy if you come from anything less than a Hallmark Card kind of family. It was one of the aspects of my first wedding that I hated and also a reason why, for marriage #2, we eloped!

I'm all for couples doing what is special and meaningful to them and tossing out all the BS of the Wedding Industry.
 

janlwf

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My dear friends got married 4 years ago and it was a blast! The wedding ceremony was held on a hotel’s balcony as the sun was setting. Guests sat on either “side” and the wedding party danced up the center aisle and the men came to the front from either end and held hands. They had a handfasting ceremony and committed to each other with their own vows and finally exchanged rings. It was so lovely, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the place!

The cocktail hour was downstairs in the hotel ballroom which was re-imagined as a VIP Las Vegas dance club (their first holiday together!) They had someone checking your name off of a clipboard, you walked on the red carpet and through a roped off area and a professional photographer was at the end taking pictures of all the guests with a wedding themed backdrop. Really fun!

Inside there was no head table but rather a roped off, VIP area with gorgeous white leather sofa’s and chairs where the wedding party all sat. It was a 2 storey ballroom, so upstairs was the eating area, mixture of hot and cold food and downstairs was the dancing and DJ. Dancing began when they both brought their Mom’s to the dance floor for a rousing Footloose! They organized a “show” that began at 9:00 which headlined female impersonators and ended with a burlesques dance number. The attention to the simplest of details was totally amazing. Their love for each other and their gratefulness for friends and family supporting them was so real and touching that I doubt it can ever be topped.

Edited to add:

I forgot to add that they just became Dad and Poppa to a beautiful 18 month old bi-racial girl in an open adoption. So glad that the world seems to be changing for the better for LGBTQ community.
 

telephone89

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Alot of the new wedding trends I really like. I remember my mom once saying 'he better ask my permission!' and I was like 'uh I'm moved out, we live together, and im not an object that he needs permission to take from you'. I feel the same with being given away.

There are many vomit worthy pintresty wedding things, but something i saw and DID like was a sign that said something like 'pick a seat, not a side. We're all family now!' and I liked that. I really hate the 'brides family on this side, grooms on that side'
 

msop04

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janlwf|1435694752|3896964 said:
My dear friends got married 4 years ago and it was a blast! The wedding ceremony was held on a hotel’s balcony as the sun was setting. Guests sat on either “side” and the wedding party danced up the center aisle and the men came to the front from either end and held hands. They had a handfasting ceremony and committed to each other with their own vows and finally exchanged rings. It was so lovely, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the place!

The cocktail hour was downstairs in the hotel ballroom which was re-imagined as a VIP Las Vegas dance club (their first holiday together!) They had someone checking your name off of a clipboard, you walked on the red carpet and through a roped off area and a professional photographer was at the end taking pictures of all the guests with a wedding themed backdrop. Really fun!

Inside there was no head table but rather a roped off, VIP area with gorgeous white leather sofa’s and chairs where the wedding party all sat. It was a 2 storey ballroom, so upstairs was the eating area, mixture of hot and cold food and downstairs was the dancing and DJ. Dancing began when they both brought their Mom’s to the dance floor for a rousing Footloose! They organized a “show” that began at 9:00 which headlined female impersonators and ended with a burlesques dance number. The attention to the simplest of details was totally amazing. Their love for each other and their gratefulness for friends and family supporting them was so real and touching that I doubt it can ever be topped.

Edited to add:

I forgot to add that they just became Dad and Poppa to a beautiful 18 month old bi-racial girl in an open adoption. So glad that the world seems to be changing for the better for LGBTQ community.

Wow!! That ceremony sounds AMAZING!!! What a party!! :appl: :appl:
 

msop04

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telephone89|1435696300|3896976 said:
Alot of the new wedding trends I really like. I remember my mom once saying 'he better ask my permission!' and I was like 'uh I'm moved out, we live together, and im not an object that he needs permission to take from you'. I feel the same with being given away.

There are many vomit worthy pintresty wedding things, but something i saw and DID like was a sign that said something like 'pick a seat, not a side. We're all family now!' and I liked that. I really hate the 'brides family on this side, grooms on that side'

I agree! We were married on the beach in Cancun, so only 13 guests... no wedding party, no assigned seats -- all family! After a super short 15 minute ceremony, we all got to eat and drink until we hit the resort's night life -- all together as a family -- good times!! I'm a huge daddy's girl, or I would've opted to walk myself down the aisle -- I wanted to be the center of attention, after all! HA! :bigsmile: ;))

shameless sharing of photos... hehehe :wavey: :naughty:
smb_15.jpg
smb_17.jpg
smb_12.jpg
 

Calliecake

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Msop04, Your kiss on the beach picture is one of my all time favorite wedding pictures! It's such a beautiful picture. You were a gorgeous bride.
 

Imdanny

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madelise|1435622208|3896562 said:
All I know is, gay weddings would be the most fabulous ever. Beautiful, joyous, and exuberant in celebration-- moreso than the avg straight wedding, as many have waited TOO long for the day to come.

If I ever have one you're invited!
 
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