In a bad place and need help

[allycat0303]

Hey everyone,

I was going a little frantic, trying to find somewhere to vent, and then saw that Snow_Happy had sent me a pm, a while ago, and I thought to myself, maybe I should ask you ladies for some much needed support. I''ve been lurking, miserable, wondering how to get through this.

I think the most important thing to say is that I have dreamt of being a dotcor since I was 5 years old. I would literally trade anything for this to come true. I was accepted into Medical school in MAY 2004 but failed the french exam (they want an impossible score of 950/990) Just let it be noted that francophone people, are not required to take this test and usually score about 870-900, so the standard is impossible. My admissions to this school was deferred to September 2005, on the condition that I pass the french test (which after 1 whole year of studying, I realize it is almost impossible for me to attain this score)

Basically in MAY 2004, both my younger sister and younger brother were accepted into medical school. Although my sister had expressed interest in medicine previously, my brother has made it clear that he hates the profession, and has no intention of of actually practicing medicine. So basically last year, on the night of May 20th, when BOTH my younger siblings were celebrating. I was walking around outside in the dark, with my boyfriend, crying my eyes out, because I was going to watch both my siblings living out my dream. This year has been the most difficult of my life, I feel so many things, envy, regret, and this overwhelming feeling as though I am never going to be able to get out of this.

This year, I applied to med school again, and I school that flatly rejected me last year, called me for an interview. It went very well. My problem is, the University of Montreal is giving their decision sometime on May 15 to May 20, and I am losing my mind. I alternate between crying, and some state of hopefulness. I can''t sleep anymore at night, from the stress. I wake up at 2 in the morning panicked because I feel like I am going to have to spend another year at home, watching my siblings do what I have always wanted to do. In addition, my backup plan (worst case scenario) which was dentistry (you girls all helped me when I had an interview) I was placed #1 on the waitlist, they accepted only 10. Unfortunately, because of the few people accepted into this program, it is very unlikely that anyone will drop out. I just need this huge turn of luck (there''s been other major life issues i.e psycho boyfriend''s landlord, parents fighting) so I feel like I am in an endless tunnel of bad luck. So I need some advice, how to get through until MAY 20th? I''ve tried positive thinking, deep breathing and everything. My boyfriend is so negative about the situation (he said "Even if you had the perfect interview you probably won''t get in" not because he''s putting me down (I know it sounds terrible) but he is just beaten down by the process. Everytime I cried this year, he was there to hold me up, but I think at this point, he''s worn out. He can''t give me any positive thoughts, because he doesn''t believe it could possibly happen. SO HELP me get through the next 10- 15 days! Any inspiration, or guidence would be greatly appreciated!

 

[beautifuldisaster]

allycat,

first of all...deeeep breath

listen to me, no matter what happens, you have to realize you are more than your career. i know it might sound cheesy, but it is true. your career should not define who you are, in my opinion. it may be a large part of your life, yes, but it is not the end all and be all.

having said that, as someone who worries about anything and everything, you have got to relax a little bit. i know that it is easier said than done, but its the truth. you have about 10-15 days to wait until you hear anything and you can either torture yourself and everyone who loves you, or you can realize that no matter what has happened you have tried your best and given it your all. if you shall fail, get up, dust yourself off and try again. do you know how many times walt disney got laughed at and rejected? a TON. nobody ever talks about that stuff though.

as for your bf, i wish he would not have said that to you.. ""Even if you had the perfect interview you probably won''t get in". I think that it just feed on your insecurities, even if that was not his intention.

my advice is to use this time and focus on the good, do some soul searching and celebrate you. life is too short to only focus on our shortcomings, the what ifs or that wants. enjoy what you have, in this moment, the people who love you, the people who you love, the gifts you have. realize your dreams and don''t give up on them. realize too that worrying will only give you gray hair and wrinkles smile sunshine and hang in there!!!!

 

[AmberGretchen]

hey ally - that does sound really tough and stressful. I think its unlikely that you will be able to let go of stuff completely, but I often find that in similar situations, repeating the mantra that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it right now. Just keep telling yourself that.

I also think that when things happen, it helps to try to convince yourself they happen for a reason. I would really encourage you to try to imagine what you would do if you don''t get in - what are your other options, and how could you move on. Sometimes imagining the worst and how you would deal with it helps as well.

And of course, endless PS obsession

Seriously though, I am sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time and I wish you the best of luck with everything - please keep us updated.

 

[sparklish]

Are you deadset on going to school in Montreal? I know it is really difficult to get in there. Have you thought about applying somewhere like McMaster where they look not only at grades but more holistically? Maybe it would make it easier to make it to May 20th (and past it) if you know that there are some other options out there. This isn't the end of the line. It would only be a few years away and you could do your residency back in Montreal. Good luck!

 

[allycat0303]

Hey everyone,

Thanks so much for the early replies, I''ve been having a worst night then usual so knowing that people are listening to you helps so much.

Beautifuldisaster: You''re absoulutely right that my boyfriend''s negative remark didn''t help. I understand why he said it (and that it''s nothing against me personally) but my spirits took this immense nose dive after that. I got a lot more emotional and teary. I am taking every word of your post, trying to hammer it into my head, all the encouragement is keeping me sane.

Amber: Hugs. Thanks for the thoughts, well wishes, appreciated, I feel so alone in all of this. No boyfriend to pull me through!

Sparkish: In 2004 I did apply to all Ontario schools, but they have a quota on out of province students (the total number of out of province students that can be in the class is 4) and well... there are a lot more then 4 people in the rest of Canada who are better then me

. This year I didn''t apply, to those schools. I didn''t want to give them any of my money. I was interviewed at University of Montreal, and University of Sherbrooke (although realistically sherbrooke is out too) I really wish that I had something to look forward to pass May 20 th, but in all honesty I am a good student, but a borderline student for medicine. I''ve just run straight out of options... and my backup plan fell through. GRRR..... which is why I''m beginning to wonder if I am cursed. I mean is that possible?

Thanks girls, this forum has been a lifesaver tonight.

 

[youngster]

Hey allycat, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. If you have your heart set on becoming a doctor, then stick with it.
I know a woman who always dreamed of a career in medicine. However, she didn't pursue it for a variety of reasons, mostly her husband discouraged her. She finally, finally decided after her children were grown to give it a shot. She's in her 50's. That's right, her 50's, and she was accepted to medical school last year Not her first choice mind you. The med schools here in the U.S. don't like their students to be past 45 or so. So, she has moved to the Caribbean and is going to attend the medical school there, at the one that has been around like 50 years and has quite a good reputation, though I can't recall what island it's on.

So, stick with it. If you don't get in this year, can you try again next year? Even if you don't think you can go through with another round of applications and interviews, it might be worth it. You sound like you would be much more committed than your brother and, if you recall that old fable, it's not the tortoise that wins the race. \

Oops, of course, it is the tortoise that ends up winning the race! Duh!

 

[teebee]

Oh Ally... I sure have been thinking of you and wondering what you had heard from McGill. Kept meaning to PM you but have been sidetracked by the end of the semester. First, I have to congratulate you on McGill. I know that it seems like a set back for you... and yeah, the chances are slim that someone will back out of the program... BUT, that is a MAJOR accomplishment and I want you to be proud of yourself for being their #1 alternate out of 300 applicants!!! That is such a fantastic achievment so please be proud of yourself for that!!!

As for how to pass the next 10 to 15 nights without waking up in a cold sweat??? Um.... VALIUM????

I am halfway kidding... But I''ve had insomnia for years and my mind is especially busy at night, and if I''m in the middle of some turmoil or a stressful time of life then nights are just beyond horrid for me so I''ve occasionally had to take medication during those periods in order to get enough sleep to function. I had a dr. prescribe me valium during a really upsetting and bad breakup but I get similar results with Benadryl or Tylenol PM.

I''m not advocating that you stay in a fog for the next 2 weeks, but maybe a night or 2 of good peaceful rest would do your mind and outlook some good? Not getting any sleep can to be a vicious drag on your system, especially since you are already stressed & not getting enough rest will just magnify that stress & negativity.

PLEASE try try try to stay positive! You are so special & you have so much drive and dedication to do this ~ that makes up for any "shortcomings" that you perceive yourself of having!!! And I do understand that your boyfriend is probably worn slick from this rollercoaster ride as well, but maybe you could ask him to be a little more "realistically positive" than "realistically negative"???

Now, I''m off to study for my Anatomy final (yay!! tomorrow is my last day digging around on cadavers!!!)...

 

[MissAva]

You poor thing *hug*. My older sister just went through this with her PhD program. I thought she would die from exhustion before the letters went out. She got in and you will too. Do you have any books you want to read? How about any hiking paths you have been wanting to try out? I would say dont spend too much time at home. Go out and keep your mind in other places. Being home sounds like it is salt in the wounds right now. If there is anything we can do to help let us know. *hugs*

 

[snow_happy]

Hi ally,

I''m glad you came to seek help from the PS family! (Aren''t the people on here great!!!) I''m sorry there are so many negatives in your life at the moment but remember that they are only temporary. My mom always said "we need to have bad days to know when we have good days"

I went through a huge soul searching thing about career as well. I feel like I am a good student but better in business-type things than in science. So of course, what do I want to go into? Science. Talk about a struggle. I know right now I am just OK, not outstanding and that''s hard too. I can only do so much! (Just like you can only study so much for an impossible French test) I broke down a few months ago (I think ALL grad students break down at some point) and felt like I was being kept from my dream of being in science because I wasn''t good enough, smart enough, whatever. I had a long talk with my advisor and he said that whatever my passion is...to let that guide me and as long as I stay true to that passion then I will end up where I''m meant to be. I wish I could tell you everything worked out but I''m still working hard...studying to get into the PhD program and I won''t know until mid-June! Still, I''ve realized that even if I don''t get in I still love science and I will find a way to pursue it.

I know it seems like life is pooping on you right now but things WILL get better! If you have the passion to become a doctor you will find a way. As for being #1 on the waitlist...I think it''s great but also nerve-racking at the same time. Although the school has a low acceptance rate there is a chance that someone will deny the school (decide dentistry is not for them, get into medical school, who knows!) Anything can happen and telling yourself it won''t doesn''t help the situation or your mental state!

Perhaps this is a test to find where your true passions lie. If it is in fact with medicine then once you get into a school you will be ready to hit the ground running! As for your siblings.. I know it can be frustrating but if people don''t study what makes them happy and work 40+ hours a week doing it...well... they''re just digging themselves into a hole. Don''t get discouraged - you are working towards your happiness and not in competition for anyone else''s happiness right?

I think in the end as long as you remember that this state is TEMPORARY and will pass then I know you can find the strength to ride out the storm.

Go get a massage, have a night out with the girls, go shopping, go get your nails done!, take a dance class or yoga class (I LOVE YOGA!)....

I know this is a super duper long post but I hope it made you feel better. Things will get better! (You have believe it too!) Please feel free to post as much as you want here

 

[allycat0303]

Hey everyone,

I don''t know what I would do without pricescope, the support and the beautiful rings, the only two things that are distracting me right now! I keep telling myself, it''s only 10-15 days to go, that goes by in a heartbeat right?

Teebee: I''ve never had alcohol, but when I had eye surgery they gave me half a pill of valium and I can assure you, it was the best feeling I''ve ever had in my entire adult life. I need to calm down, and I told my boyfriend, he needs to pretend for two weeks, that this can happen, if nothing else then at least I won''t waste two weeks of my life. Hugs! And have fun with the dead bodies....grr... As always, you are so good at pointing out that there are little accoplishments in a bad situation.

Yongster: I love stories about people that go after their dream. I keep saying I''ll try again next year, but it will be the thrid time, I don''t know if I want to go through this awful suspense again. I need some courage! And because of the way the Quebec system works, my application can no longer be improved (believe it or not, in Quebec, advanced degrees such as a masters, what I have, and a PhD, actually DECREASE your chances of being accepted

).

Snow: HUGS! I wouldn''t even be looking for support if it wasn''t for you. I know how you feel completely. I just wish I was a better student, or that the system was a bit different. I keep trying to remind myself that determination and hard work will get me where I want to be, but honestly, a little luck is needed too! I was trying to really picture what my passion is and at the end of the day, it comes down to medicine. Nothing else, but if I don''t get in, I''d better start looking for a passion. Temporary state, yes, that''s a good one. I''m going to think of that today.

A few days ago, I was scared of getting a response and then went with "It''s better to know then to wonder" That got me through one day. Today it will be "This is a temporary state" Thanks girls! Only about 13 more days to go

.

 

[Blue824]

Ooh! Ally, stay strong, these last days will be hell, but try your hardest to stay busy, may help in little bits of distraction. One of my former college roommates wanted to be a doctor and she, like that older woman, decided on a school in the Caribbean, American University of Antigua, I believe. She said it was a very common for students to do as well as they could and transfer, or something like that. That French test seems absolutely ridiculous, the French speaking students should be held to the same standard! Everything the other girls said is so true....you do need to get a good nights sleep and remember that your career is not the only thing that defines you. Good luck these next few days and remember that we''re always here to listen & support!

 

[Erin]

I would not be able to fall asleep at night without some degree of meditation prior. I know this is a tough time for you but you can not allow yourself to let it control your life for the next two weeks.

Things happen for a reason.
Hard work pays off.
It''s out of your hands.
If it''s meant to be it will happen.

Different attitudes will temporarily let you ease the stress of waiting. As for falling asleep (when my mind worries the most as I recap the day or worry about the future) I find it best to lie down, close my eyes, and start a basic meditation where I concentrate on my breathing, relax each body part or organ one by one, and if I find my thoughts straying away from my breathing and relaxation attempts, I simply catch the thought and let it go, resuming my meditation.

You are your own worst critic - do yourself a favor, go easy on yourself for the next few days. I wish you all the luck!

 

[icekid]

oh ally, you know i feel for you!!! medicine is not just a career; it''s a passion, a life, a part of you. applying to medical school is one of the most difficult things i''ve done in my life and it sounds like they''re making you jump through some silly hoops up in canada. have you thought about applying to some US schools at all? some state schools don''t accept many people out-of-state, but i know of canadians who have gone to school in the US. i''m sure it would be a lot more expensive, but if medicine is in your heart then i think you have to go after it. sometimes things don''t fall into your lap and you have to make them happen!

sigh... i''m so frustrated for you as i know how you''re feeling! hopefully the University of Montreal will come through though and all of this will become a distant memory (believe me, everything else fades when you''re memorizing spinal cord tracts all day

)

ooh yeah, erin briefly mentioned meditation and i highly recommend it. we had this little "meditation for med students" class along with our unit on stress physiology and it really is amazing what meditation can do for you. it requires a little discipline, but it really is great! medicine is a stressful career anyway, so the earlier you learn to deal with it well, the better off you will be!

GOOD LUCK, i''ll be thinking of you!

 

[kanne]

Alley

Hugs!

I have a friend who just could not get into a US med school. He is a really wonderful, smart person. And he really wanted to be a doctor. He wound up being accepted to a school in the Carribean. He LOVED it (and met his fiance there too). PLUS he came back gorgeous and tan. lol!

During this waiting time, I would spend my energy thinking about a backup plan. Research other schools. Get a massage. Try not to worry about your brother and sister! You put WAY TOO MUCH pressure on yourself!

I'm not saying that my friend went to med school to get a tan, but I am saying that where there's a will, there's a way. You may have to forget about schools in Canada. My advice is..apply EVERYWHERE. You are waiting on a reply from McGill right? This is the tippy top of the school scale. I can't even imagine the competition. You are amazing, so you may get in! But if you don't, get a plan in place so you can keep on trying! Don't give up! You can do it!

 

[HOUMedGal]

Hey Ally,

First off, just try to remember that things happen the way that they are supposed to. I know it''s hard to understand why some things happen, but you can at least get some peace if you remind yourself that if it''s supposed to happen, it will. It works for me, at least.

I have a couple of different friends who have gone through (and are still going through) situations similar to yours. Although I can say that they didn''t have the ridiculous French exam requirements! Their big problem was the MCAT. One of my friends applied to medical school one year; didn''t get in. Applied the next year; didn''t get in. So she applied for a 1 year Masters program in genetics and has spent the past year doing that. She got fed up with the emotional roller coaster that is applying for med school, and decided she would give law school a shot! (her dad is a lawyer, and her husband is in law school). Not only did she get in, but she got accepted to 3 law schools, one of which is her first choice (her husband''s law school)!!! So she went a different direction, and is so happy and excited now that she did so.

My other friend applied for the first time this year, but didn''t get in. Her situation is similar to yours; she just couldn''t get her MCAT up high enough. Has everything else going for her, except a stupid test is holding her back. But she knows how bad she wants it, and she''s determined to get it.

I believe that she, and you, can do it if you want it bad enough. Just keep your chin up, keep your confidence high, and go after it!!!! GOOD LUCK, and let us know how it goes!!!! *HUGS*

 

[Buena Girl]

ally- I know it''s not exactly what you had hoped for, but congrats on being #1 on the dental school waiting list. That is a tremendous achievement!!!

*hugs* for these 2 weeks. Besides the constructive things you can do during this time, you could also spend some time pondering some of the world''s "fluff". Like, why did US Weekly do a cover story of Jessica Simpson with the title "I''m Tired of All of the Lies" about her being sick of the false rumors that she and Nick Lachey''s marriage is on the rocks. Then, 2 days later she was seen making out with Fred Durst (yuck

) at a club. Or how many licks does it really take to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop. Some silly stuff like that to occupy your mind.

Hehee... just make sure it is not so mindless that it regresses your brain!

 

[gingerBcookie]

hi alley i have not much else to add to the what these wonderful ladies have already said...just remember to never give up on your dream. just be confident in yourself and be persistent in your pursuit.

two more it''s good to see you around here again

[/b][/b]

 

[allycat0303]

Hey everyone,

Well the time is passing really fast, and reading all of your messages has helped me calm down a bit. And I''m more positive, studying like crazy for the french test.

HouMedGal: It''s such a comfort to know about your friend, and to know that I''m not the only one who wants this really bad, and hasn''t quite managed to achieve it! I guess what I''m really worried about is, what will I do if this doesn''t work out? I don''t have a solid backup plan. I love your ring by the way, I saw it on the other thread. The setting is gorgeous! Can''t wait to see hand pics.

Ginger: I haven''t seen you in a while, thanks for the encouragement, I''m anxiously waiting for pictures/ news of your ring!

So I figure I''m a lady-in-waiting, not for the ring, but for some news. I hope waiting for a ring isn''t as tortureous as waiting for this.

Thanks for everything ladies,

Ally

 

[MissAva]

How are things? Are you feeling better? I hope so *hugs*.

 

[snow_happy]

hi ally!

Hope things are going better. Have you had a night of going out and forgetting about your worries? Maybe go play mini golf or go cosmic bowling.. or just taking a walk around a lake or at the beach... Anyhow I hope you are relaxing and feeling better!!

 

[blueroses]

Ally, I don''t know how I missed this thread before (I seem to be missing a lot on PS lately!) but my goodness, I am so sorry to hear about this stressful time. (((((HIUGS))))

You are going to get through this!! I totally agree about the meditation.

One of my best friends didn''t get into med school until his 4th try and he is now thriving and loving his residency. I''m sure it won''t take you that many tries....you will be ok!!

Keep us posted, my dear.

 

[allycat0303]

Blueroses, Matatora, and Snow!

You guys are so great that I don''t even know how to begin to thank you! I think I''m doing better. Time is flying by now, and the answers come out between 15- 20th (more likely 20th) but I kind of wish I could slow it down a bit, because I''m a bit terrified about what is going to happen. I am about 90% sure that the results will be posted on the internet on Friday (20th) at midnight! So I plan on spending a very anxious thursday night waiting for MIDNIGHT to come around. I will definitely be posting a message on this board at that time because you girls have been such tremendous support! It''s so nice to know that someone is rooting for you. POSITIVE THOUGHTS. I keep saying that. Miracles can happen right??

 

[sweetnghtmr]

Absolutly!! Best of luck, !!!

 

[cute330xigrl]

Date: 5/12/2005 2:24:53 PM
Author: allycat0303
Blueroses, Matatora, and Snow!

You guys are so great that I don''t even know how to begin to thank you! I think I''m doing better. Time is flying by now, and the answers come out between 15- 20th (more likely 20th) but I kind of wish I could slow it down a bit, because I''m a bit terrified about what is going to happen. I am about 90% sure that the results will be posted on the internet on Friday (20th) at midnight! So I plan on spending a very anxious thursday night waiting for MIDNIGHT to come around. I will definitely be posting a message on this board at that time because you girls have been such tremendous support! It''s so nice to know that someone is rooting for you. POSITIVE THOUGHTS. I keep saying that. Miracles can happen right??

HI ALLYCAT!!!! I''m soo sorry you didnt get my 1 page email of encouragement. I completely forgot to put a subject line, so I''m sure it looked like garbage or your mailbox assumed it was.

Well, just wanted you to know that I''m rooting for you too! What ever the outcome is, things will work out the way it''s supposed to. You should give yourself credit for such great ambition. It''s people like you (w/ such strong drive) that always succeed. My cousin experienced the same thing..borderline med student. She was rejected to every med school she was DYING to get intol. Nonetheless, she kept at it. Her professors&mentors, even told her to give up. She listened to her heart and 2yrs later...she''s now in med school. When the drive is great enuff.... you can accomplish anything. Pls do not give up.
Hugs!
Christina

 

[allycat0303]

I just wanted everyone who rooted for me that my answer will be posted WEDNESDAY at midnight.... I am freaking out! Especially since some of the applicants are getting their response tonight! I think it might be because they give the ACCEPTANCES first and the rejections the day after. So you girls can probably imagine that I spent the night crying my eyes out, and very depressed, and generally making myself sick. I have had a terrible feeling in my stomach for about 5 days now, and I can''t wait until this is over. It''s been so taxing. So that''s the update, I''ll probably let you girls know the outcome soon, thanks for being so amazing.

Cutie! I''m sorry that I didn''t get your email. It has meant so much to me, knowing that somewhere there are people that would take the time to write a nice message and lend an encourgaing hand. Especially now, when the result is coming so soon, and I''m practically losing my mind, I rely so much on kindness.

Thanks everyone!

 

[jenwill]

Breathe Ally...we are all here for you and holding you up mentally. You can make it through this no matter what the outcome. You are a strong person, you are intelligent and whatever you do in your life you will make a success.

 

[HOUMedGal]

Good luck, Ally, and remember that we''re all pulling for you!!!!

 

[teebee]

I swear I posted a message to this thread last night... hmmmm, weird!!!

Anyhow, just wanted to tell you that I know you must be totally freaking out today, but hang in there just a bit longer!!!! I'm thinking about you a ton today and sending oodles of positive thoughts and good vibes your way sweetie!!! One way or another, you will get through this to accomplish all that you want!!!

As a footnote, I've been kinda 'feeling your pain' the last week or so as I've been trying to get all of my dental hygiene program requirements satisfied & organized ~ it's not med school by any stretch... but the program only admits 12 students per year so it's pretty competitive and I've been dealing with the very realistic possibility/liklihood that I will not be accepted... and what the hell do I do then???

Like I said, it's definitely on the same level as the wringer you've been put through lately, but you totally have my sympathy!!!

Take care of yourself Alley, we are all thinking of you!!!

 

[Erin]

You''ve made it a long time with restraint, patience and courage. Just a few more hours and you''ll get the answer you need to move on. Remember there is no good or bad outcome. It is simply what needs to happen in order to get you where you''re supposed to be!

Hang in there

 

[icekid]

i''ll be sending you med school thoughts today as we play with brains in lab

i really hope you get good news ally, but if you don''t... please don''t give up!!!