The "Rich Friend"

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I have one friend who treats me like this, it's gotten worse and worse over the years so I see her and speak to her less and less. I know it comes from a place of jealousy and I do not indulge her. It was her choice to mess around during college that led to her current situation. I'm not "lucky" that I took school seriously, I worked hard. I've had coworkers (1 in particular) comment on my jewelry and I've always reminded them that I spend my money on jewelry and not $600 Chanel flats conversation over.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Why? We bought our house, married and had a child young and I gave up work so we had significantly less disposable income than some of our friends. It was tough to see them going on holiday, getting new cars etc while we had to make tough decisions. We're our comments based on jealousy or envy - yes, most probably if I'm being honest.

Fast forward to now - we are seen as the 'rich friends'. Our mortgage is paid off, we have moved up our career paths (I felt able to take risks after returning to work when my son was 11) and we are 'comfortable'. Our friends meanwhile are still bringing up young children, moved up the housing market at its peak and unfortunately in some cases, have had to deal with redundancy.

Not that we are rich, but I think we have the same friends...
Yup, I remember those days when my friends were out having fun and I had to stay home and change diapers. Nowadays, their kids are still in grade school, meanwhile our older daughter is cooking dinner for us 2-3X a week..

 

[ringbling17]

I think what bugs me is that I don't make that much money. And the people who judge me- mostly nurses that I work with, make the same exact amount that I make. It's not like I'm making double what they make. We have the same salaries, same job , yet they are so quick to judge. Meanwhile, I don't judge them for what they have or don't have. I just don't. I accept that some people have more and some people have less.

And believe me, I know rich. My husband works for a multimillionaire in NYC and my sister's closest friend Samar, her father is a freakin' billionaire. She even has a super yacht named after her. And yet she is the most down to earth person I've ever met.

So it just makes me laugh when they tell me that I'm so lucky I have this or that. Or better yet, I used to have this guy nurse I work with in New York tell me I was so spoiled. I looked at him one day and said how is that. And he said because I get food from the deli across the street all the time and he has to bring lunch from home.

And I remember I said, excuse me, but first of all I would never tell someone they were spoiled unless they were my child, and I'm not his, so please don't talk to me that way. And secondly, your mother lives with you and takes care of your three kids while you and your wife are at work, she cooks, cleans, and prepares lunch for you to take to work and dinner for when you get home.

I think youre the spoiled one, not me.

I think I shocked him because he never looked at it in that perspective.

 

[ame]

I get this a lot. We're definitely not rich, but we are comfortable. Most of our friends aren't financially comfortable so I think that plays a big part in it.

DH and I both work, we bought a house walking distance to my work so we can share a car. It's a very nice car for our group so we get comments on that. Our house is much large than most of our friends, but the neighborhood was in transition when we bought so we paid a third of what they did for established neighborhoods (a coworker friend says he sees fewer and fewer prosititutes on his drive to work lol). We don't have kids, which is a huge savings. I'm a foodie and we manage a nice dinner or two every month, but we don't so much as buy coffee out otherwise. I only buy clothes at half off sales, my electronics are refurbished or open box, my furniture is higher end scratch and dent.

Bottom line is we will spend on the things we value, and and try to find smart ways to buy higher end items. People see that small window into our lives and assume it's all fine dining and luxury.

Had a funny conversation with a work friend. He was asking me for some recommendations on where to take his wife for "a fancy night out". I recommended a really nice restaurant that can be a bit on the expensive side. He did the " it must be nice to be able to afford eating there" thing. This guy and his wife both go to personal training 3 times per week. They don't like training together so they pay individually. We can't afford that. I said as much and he had the most puzzled look, like "oh yeah, I am pretty fortunate." Now he gets it and stopped commenting on my lifestyle.

Sorry that was a ramble.

That line right there really hit it for me. Thank you!

Oh... And my espresso machine!
You wouldn't believe the comments I have gotten on that thing. Not that anyone has any right to an opinion but DH and me, but dang!

We bought this refurbished probably 6 years ago for just a couple hundred dollars. Can count on not much more than one hand how many times we have gotten coffee out since then. Use it every day. Even roast my own beans ($4.00 a pound or so) to get better coffee for lower cost.

I always find it funny (in that hillarious but hurtful way) when someone who is never without a Starbucks in hand comments on how nice it would be to be rich enough to afford an espresso machine and have the time to make coffee at home. One went so far as to say we could only manage because we "aren't real parents".... Ummm... Yeah. Notice the kid in the living room?

I've taken to not bothering to offer visitors coffee. Not worth the irritation. Iced tea or water. Hot tea in winter.

Omg ... not real parents? Give me a break!

I have one friend who treats me like this, it's gotten worse and worse over the years so I see her and speak to her less and less. I know it comes from a place of jealousy and I do not indulge her. It was her choice to mess around during college that led to her current situation. I'm not "lucky" that I took school seriously, I worked hard. I've had coworkers (1 in particular) comment on my jewelry and I've always reminded them that I spend my money on jewelry and not $600 Chanel flats conversation over.

I have been in this "zone" for many years, and lately it's really been made obvious again. Just about the time I really feel like I have a REAL friend, that I can count on, that is really a REAL friend, something is said that shows me that I am naive and clearly do not have a REAL friend and can not rely on anyone besides DH and myself and my family. It's jolting.

I think what bugs me is that I don't make that much money. And the people who judge me- mostly nurses that I work with, make the same exact amount that I make. It's not like I'm making double what they make. We have the same salaries, same job , yet they are so quick to judge. Meanwhile, I don't judge them for what they have or don't have. I just don't. I accept that some people have more and some people have less.

And believe me, I know rich. My husband works for a multimillionaire in NYC and my sister's closest friend Samar, her father is a freakin' billionaire. She even has a super yacht named after her. And yet she is the most down to earth person I've ever met.

So it just makes me laugh when they tell me that I'm so lucky I have this or that. Or better yet, I used to have this guy nurse I work with in New York tell me I was so spoiled. I looked at him one day and said how is that. And he said because I get food from the deli across the street all the time and he has to bring lunch from home.

And I remember I said, excuse me, but first of all I would never tell someone they were spoiled unless they were my child, and I'm not his, so please don't talk to me that way. And secondly, your mother lives with you and takes care of your three kids while you and your wife are at work, she cooks, cleans, and prepares lunch for you to take to work and dinner for when you get home.

I think youre the spoiled one, not me.

I think I shocked him because he never looked at it in that perspective.

You really hit the nail on the head. I feel like we live parallel lives in this area.

I make easily half of what they make salarywise comparatively, and combined with my husband's I think households are about equal or maybe I am a bit higher. But again, no kids. Smaller mortgage probably since we bought this house years ago and it's tiny and in working class area. We are comfortable, we save a ton, and while I like to shop for things, I don't go completely off the rails.

But I don't CARE what someone makes. I don't even want to know. As long as their needs are met, that's all that matters. And by needs I mean they have a bed in a warm or cool home, some clothing and meals. Not Starbucks. I have friends that are far more wealthy than I am, family as well, but it just isn't a comparison game to me. But it is to so many others and I hate that I am made to feel lesser and that I have to justify anything. And even more that it shows me that I was not cynical enough and that I am more naive than I thought I could ever be.

And your signature rocks.

 

[Matata]

I hate that I am made to feel lesser and that I have to justify anything.

Then stop because you're "friends" aren't making you feel or act this way -- you are. You're abdicating your personal power to them. I know it's easy to do. We want acceptance and to "belong" while simultaneously cherishing individuality.

I grew up in a ghetto. My mother cried all the time -- all the time -- because she never knew from day to day if she would make rent or have enough food for me. I had 2 dresses and one pair of shoes to last a school year. Yet even in the ghetto there were levels of "wealth" -- and I envied those differences. Lucky to me was a schoolmate who had a father who wasn't an alcoholic and who didn't beat his wife. Lucky were schoolmates who got 1 Christmas or birthday present. Luck to me were schoolmates who didn't live in a roach/flea/rat infested tenement with a pedophile in the apartment above. Luck to me was not having to fear for everything every single day.

I made hard choices and sacrifices to get out of that environment and build a good life for myself. I don't, won't ever, apologize for what I have or how I choose to spend or not spend my money. I earned every single thing I have and paid steep emotional and physical tolls along the way. Every single thing I have is precious to me because I earned it. People are free to judge me and my choices -- I understand where they're coming from but nothing they say will alter my life because I will not allow it.

So to you Ame and to others who have changed their behavior because of the insecurity, weakness, jealousy of family and friends -- get the **** over it and live your lives for yourselves. Take back your personal power; cherish and nurture it. Don't give it away to the undeserving.

 

[ckrickett]

I wouldn't say I am the rich friend, but my DH family has more money then most of our friends, and we live in a very blessed situation where we have no real bills (no mortgage, no car payments, no real bills) so we have more money to spend. So friends who know our situation can act unkind at times, but it's usually just when they are worried about their own lives, or want things they can't afford. Never really vindictive.

 

[Christina...]

I hate that I am made to feel lesser and that I have to justify anything.

Then stop because you're "friends" aren't making you feel or act this way -- you are. You're abdicating your personal power to them. I know it's easy to do. We want acceptance and to "belong" while simultaneously cherishing individuality.

I grew up in a ghetto. My mother cried all the time -- all the time -- because she never knew from day to day if she would make rent or have enough food for me. I had 2 dresses and one pair of shoes to last a school year. Yet even in the ghetto there were levels of "wealth" -- and I envied those differences. Lucky to me was a schoolmate who had a father who wasn't an alcoholic and who didn't beat his wife. Lucky were schoolmates who got 1 Christmas or birthday present. Luck to me were schoolmates who didn't live in a roach/flea/rat infested tenement with a pedophile in the apartment above. Luck to me was not having to fear for everything every single day.

I made hard choices and sacrifices to get out of that environment and build a good life for myself. I don't, won't ever, apologize for what I have or how I choose to spend or not spend my money. I earned every single thing I have and paid steep emotional and physical tolls along the way. Every single thing I have is precious to me because I earned it. People are free to judge me and my choices -- I understand where they're coming from but nothing they say will alter my life because I will not allow it.

So to you Ame and to others who have changed their behavior because of the insecurity, weakness, jealousy of family and friends -- get the [censored] over it and live your lives for yourselves. Take back your personal power; cherish and nurture it. Don't give it away to the undeserving.

I too wish PS had a 'like' button!!

 

[HegemonyCricket]

This discussion reminds me of a blog I read a while ago about living on $7,000 a year. Many interesting points made there but the one applicable to this topic is the excerpt below:

The second and more important aspect is the $7,000/year. The Wheaton Eco-scale explains this in a brilliant way. Consider people living at different budgets, e.g. $100k, $80k, $60k, $50k, $40k, $30k $20k, $15k, $10k, $7.5k, $5k, $2.5, $1k, and $0k. Now, what Wheaton observes is that people who spend one or two levels below you are inspiring to you in terms of budget reductions. People who spend three levels below you are slightly nutty and people who spend four or more levels below your level are crazy or downright extreme. This holds no matter where you are. If you spend 60k, then 50k and 40k is inspiring, 30k is nutty and 20k is crazy. If you spend 30k, then 20k and 15k is inspiring, 10k is nutty, and 7.5k is crazy. Conversely, people who spend a couple of levels above you are considered prodigal and wasteful.

If you'd like to read the whole thing, here's the link http://earlyretirementextreme.com/how-i-live-on-7000-per-year.html

This is fascinating! Thanks for posting this.

I don't think I have any friends who would judge me unkindly because of what I choose to buy (at least, not to my face ). However, I do have one friend who constantly comments about how many hours I work, and how she could *never* do what I do (she chose to be a stay at home mom). In the same breath, she'll talk about how lucky I am to be able to afford day care for my kid and live in a nicer house than hers, but... it's not just luck. She chose her path, and I chose mine. I'm not offended by her comments, because I know she doesn't mean it in an unkind way at all -- but it's funny how she has no idea how someone could easily understand her statements to be judgmental about a fellow mother's choices.

 

[packrat]

We have a "rich" friend. We've never been or ever will be the "rich friend". Unless you count your riches in laughs and craziness and pretty flowers-we've got that a billion times over.

With our friend, we've dealt w/the opposite. Why can't you do this? Why can't you buy that? I've heard "well, it's fine for *you* to live like this but *I* can't" when we're in the midst of yet another diy project and they just hire someone and leave for a few days while the work is being done. "my mom had no choice but to buy me this or I couldn't work"---a house that her mom bought then paid to renovate to use for my friends business when the place she was in was changed, b/c my friend didn't have the funds to buy it outright herself. "you'd feel better about yourself if you'd work more and take some of the financial burden off your husband and were actually contributing to your family"

We've since drifted away from them and I've not talked to her in two years I think? Well, I've seen her in passing a couple times but it's awkward.

 

[missy]

We have a "rich" friend. We've never been or ever will be the "rich friend". Unless you count your riches in laughs and craziness and pretty flowers-we've got that a billion times over.

With our friend, we've dealt w/the opposite. Why can't you do this? Why can't you buy that? I've heard "well, it's fine for *you* to live like this but *I* can't" when we're in the midst of yet another diy project and they just hire someone and leave for a few days while the work is being done. "my mom had no choice but to buy me this or I couldn't work"---a house that her mom bought then paid to renovate to use for my friends business when the place she was in was changed, b/c my friend didn't have the funds to buy it outright herself. "you'd feel better about yourself if you'd work more and take some of the financial burden off your husband and were actually contributing to your family"

We've since drifted away from them and I've not talked to her in two years I think? Well, I've seen her in passing a couple times but it's awkward.

Hope this doesn't sound corny but this is the first thing I thought of while reading this thread yesterday. The only true "richness" that counts IMO is having loving relationships with true friends and supportive family members who you love and love you unconditionally and having a life filled with laughter and hopefully health. Love, laughter and health. There is nothing richer IMO.

 

[ringbling17]

You really hit the nail on the head. I feel like we live parallel lives in this area.

And your signature rocks.

Thanks ame! I feel we have a lot of similarities as well.

As far as my signature, wealthy to me is being rich with love, health and joy. What's the point of all this if we don't have that.

 

[ringbling17]

I hate that I am made to feel lesser and that I have to justify anything.

Then stop because you're "friends" aren't making you feel or act this way -- you are. You're abdicating your personal power to them. I know it's easy to do. We want acceptance and to "belong" while simultaneously cherishing individuality.

I grew up in a ghetto. My mother cried all the time -- all the time -- because she never knew from day to day if she would make rent or have enough food for me. I had 2 dresses and one pair of shoes to last a school year. Yet even in the ghetto there were levels of "wealth" -- and I envied those differences. Lucky to me was a schoolmate who had a father who wasn't an alcoholic and who didn't beat his wife. Lucky were schoolmates who got 1 Christmas or birthday present. Luck to me were schoolmates who didn't live in a roach/flea/rat infested tenement with a pedophile in the apartment above. Luck to me was not having to fear for everything every single day.

I made hard choices and sacrifices to get out of that environment and build a good life for myself. I don't, won't ever, apologize for what I have or how I choose to spend or not spend my money. I earned every single thing I have and paid steep emotional and physical tolls along the way. Every single thing I have is precious to me because I earned it. People are free to judge me and my choices -- I understand where they're coming from but nothing they say will alter my life because I will not allow it.

So to you Ame and to others who have changed their behavior because of the insecurity, weakness, jealousy of family and friends -- get the [censored] over it and live your lives for yourselves. Take back your personal power; cherish and nurture it. Don't give it away to the undeserving.

I too wish PS had a 'like' button!!

I ❤ this as well, very well said!

 

[missy]

Kayla, I just noticed your tag line and love it. It certainly applies here. So true.

You aren't wealthy until you have something money can't buy...

You really hit the nail on the head. I feel like we live parallel lives in this area.

And your signature rocks.

Thanks ame! I feel we have a lot of similarities as well.

As far as my signature, wealthy to me is being rich with love, health and joy. What's the point of all this if we don't have that.

I agree completely.

 

[ringbling17]

Bottom line is we will spend on the things we value, and and try to find smart ways to buy higher end items. People see that small window into our lives and assume it's all fine dining and luxury.

I think you hit the nail on the head here. This is exactly how I feel. I like what I like and shouldn't have to justify it. As long as I am not begging you for money or crying poverty or taking out loans to fund my purchases (unless it's a car or something huge), why do you have to say something about it.

I always had this feeling when I lived in NY but I had enough friends with similar tastes that I could talk about things without feeling guilty or judged.

When I moved to South Jersey, I figured the same thing would happen. I would find a friend or two with similar interests and that would be fine. Well, it hasn't happened. lol! With the exception of one person, everyone else always has something to say.

For example, my driveway story mentioned above. I got three different price quotes for the same job. Basically removing the asphalt area and replacing with pavers. I can't afford to do the entire driveway, but when I drove around this area, I saw a lot of people did the paver/asphalt thing right at the entrance as well.

So, I went to work and asked my co-worker, who recently gutted her entire home which she inherited from her grandmother, and had the entire home renovated including the exterior, for her opinion.

I just wanted to know what she thought about the contractors and who she thought I should go with. I was whispering because I didn't want other co-workers to hear what I was telling her.

So she sat down and I said, Kxxxx, can you help me pick a contractor because I want to have my driveway fixed finally, and she right away exclaimed -" OH my God, not again, why are you always doing work on your house! You're ridiculous!" .

So, of course, everyone in the room started laughing and snickering ,and I was so embarrassed because I was trying to keep quiet about this.

So I just looked at her and said, "When you were redesigning your kitchen, picking out granite and sinks and countertops, you came to me for advice, so I figured you could help me out. But apparently you only care when it comes to yourself!" and I walked away.

This just happened to me two weeks ago but it is still fresh in my mind because I thought I could talk to her about it, but apparently I was mistaken.

 

[ame]

We have a "rich" friend. We've never been or ever will be the "rich friend". Unless you count your riches in laughs and craziness and pretty flowers-we've got that a billion times over.

With our friend, we've dealt w/the opposite. Why can't you do this? Why can't you buy that? I've heard "well, it's fine for *you* to live like this but *I* can't" when we're in the midst of yet another diy project and they just hire someone and leave for a few days while the work is being done. "my mom had no choice but to buy me this or I couldn't work"---a house that her mom bought then paid to renovate to use for my friends business when the place she was in was changed, b/c my friend didn't have the funds to buy it outright herself. "you'd feel better about yourself if you'd work more and take some of the financial burden off your husband and were actually contributing to your family"

We've since drifted away from them and I've not talked to her in two years I think? Well, I've seen her in passing a couple times but it's awkward.

I would want to do physical harm to that person after those words escaped her lips.

 

[Calliecake]

Ame, I have had people make similar remarks although they have come from a family member and not friends. The only thing I can tell you in my experience the ones making the remarks are extremely unhappy and insecure. I usually feel bad for them because they have so many wonderful things they should be happy about, like wonderful kids, loving spouse and the only thing they can see is if others have more money than they do. I just find it sad. Try not to let them irritate you. It just isn't worth it.

I have always been generous with my family. If anyone needed anything I was always the one to help them out. I have found lately a few have come to expect things to the point I am feeling taken advantage of. The thing that has really bothered me is the same family members would never lift a finger to help anyone else in the family if they were in need. I think most people have issues like this to some degree in their families.

After thinking about this more I realized one of my friends used to make remarks about my diamond all the time. It was no surprise to her to that I like jewelry. I have never been a big travel person. She lived for vacations. One night she was being particular hard on her husband for not getting her a bigger diamond when we were all out together. He made the comment that I worked and she decided to stay home. She still didn't stop. I said to cut back on her trips and in a year she could have her ring. She was not happy with me for saying that and told me so later. I told her the way I see it is everyone spends their money on what's important to them but few people get absolutely everything.

 

[Jambalaya]

I know this experience.

Unhappy disgruntled people who don't take responsibility for their choices are most likely to say the things you quoted above.

I had one coworker who used to call me "lucky."

I felt like telling her the following: I am not lucky. In fact, I usually have BAD luck. This is why I think ahead, I plan carefully, I work hard, and I make hard choices. I never got anywhere in life by letting stuff HAPPEN TO ME. I learned to prepare, work hard and keep trying in the face of rejection and failure. Luck was never around me when those actions paid off.

This coworker took several vacations to expensive locations per year. I always said Have a great time! Fantastic! Go Enjoy!

Last year, our employer radically downgraded pay and required huge hours of overtime. In addition, the management changed and we acquired a rude and unprofessional supervisor. I quietly resigned---I had seen the writing on the wall and while my coworker was off vacationing constantly I was squirreling away money. I had options. I met her and a few other former coworkers for lunch about 6 months ago. Vacay coworker oozed bitterness all over those of us who had resigned and either taken early retirements or just decided to move on in whatever way was logical. She of course said what I was expecting: You guys are lucky.

She said the same thing any time she noticed a piece of bling I had on.

Bottom line, she wasn't my friend even though she would say we are friends. Friends don't judge you negatively or harshly. Friends don't use your life as a yardstick to judge their circumstances with negative blowback on you as a means to absolve themselves of responsibility for their own failures/bad choices.

What I've learned through the years with friends and those I'm friendly with: Real friends are RARE. Most people can't get out of the judgie place long enough to BE a friend. Most people, in addition, are takers; what's in this relationship for me? What can this person do for me? They can't set aside their insecurities long enough to really see you, who you are, what is unique about you.

The bling we have is a visual disturbance to these kinds of 'friends.'

I have a very few friends who, when I get something, say "Whoo hoo, you go, girl! Love it! Can I try it on?" They are always happy if YOU are happy, they are happy when something nice comes your way.

This is why PS is a good place, its full of peeps who, upon seeing new bling, say "Way ta go! Congrats! Love it!" etc without dripping all the poison all over you.

Azstonie, I agree with every word of what you just wrote. I have made my own luck in life and sometimes it has come with some extremely painful sacrifices. But the frenemy discounts the sacrifices completely, even though she knows about them full well, and having been completely unable to make good choices in her own life, all she does is feel bitter and jealous about the fruits of MY sacrifices.

I've had a number of "friends" like that and you are right, true friends are R.A.R.E.

 

[Jambalaya]

Ame, yes sometimes I have been seen as the rich friend, and most of the time I'm aware of that and perhaps stay away from the person a little. The dynamic makes me very uncomfortable. It all comes back to jealousy, and when you have much more than a friend - and you are close to that friend - jealousy and bitterness almost inevitably follow at some point, even if not for a long while, unless the friend in question is a very enlightened soul.

 

[dk168]

True friends do not judge.

DK

 

[packrat]

We have a "rich" friend. We've never been or ever will be the "rich friend". Unless you count your riches in laughs and craziness and pretty flowers-we've got that a billion times over.

With our friend, we've dealt w/the opposite. Why can't you do this? Why can't you buy that? I've heard "well, it's fine for *you* to live like this but *I* can't" when we're in the midst of yet another diy project and they just hire someone and leave for a few days while the work is being done. "my mom had no choice but to buy me this or I couldn't work"---a house that her mom bought then paid to renovate to use for my friends business when the place she was in was changed, b/c my friend didn't have the funds to buy it outright herself. "you'd feel better about yourself if you'd work more and take some of the financial burden off your husband and were actually contributing to your family"

We've since drifted away from them and I've not talked to her in two years I think? Well, I've seen her in passing a couple times but it's awkward.

I would want to do physical harm to that person after those words escaped her lips.

Hahaha yeeeah it wasn't one of our finest moments in friendship. Her husband was always calling to tell mine about the latest and greatest thing they bought...or his MIL bought for them, and they both spent a lot of time telling him to "just quit" his job b/c it was so horrendous-b/c *they* had family who supported them and allowed them to save their money so that *they* could do that, they felt my family should do that too and really said some unkind things about my parents for not doing so.

There were comments about my tattoos and appearance as well, and about her standing in the community as her mother's daughter, the certain expectations of her and how she should look. As if since my mom at the time just worked at the local greenhouse, it was ok for me to look like this whilst being the daughter of the most prominent Dr in the surrounding area put her on a pedestal.

The bitterness creeps in and it does go both ways I think. People w/no money can be *******s to people they say are their friends just as easily as people w/lots of money can be *******s to people they say are their friends. The trick I guess is to find people you like and enjoy to be around regardless their financial situation. Ignore the others and try not to let them have that power over you. My mom is huge into that-don't give them that power and control over you.

 

[CRYSTAL24K]

I have always paid my own way. I have never expected a "friend" to pay for me simply because I thought they had more money and therefore they should. I don't even understand that line of thinking.

I learned as a child to be thankful for what I have and not to look to material things as a measure of who I am or to judge others for what they have or don't have. Your friends seems superficial and bitter. I don't know what is going on in your friends' lives right now, but they shouldn't take it out on you. It is sad that they determine the opinion of themselves and of you based on material items. I am sorry that this has happened to you, it is always shocking to find out that people you trusted with friendship were merely acquaintances.

Everyone has made choices in life that affect their current situation. DH and I always wanted children, but I wanted to work, party and travel first so we had children later in life. We also made the decision for me to stay home with them. This affects our finances but not our happiness. We are careful to live within our means, save some and spend on what we deem important and still make room to splurge on luxuries. Conversely, I don't judge someone who has made different decisions than I have.

 

[lyra]

We have a rich relative that has zero impact on our lives, and never will. I think sometimes we're jealous, because it's a family member and all things being equal, we have struggled through a lifetime of crises, and they have not. No job loss, no bad real estate loss, no loss period. But that's not their "fault". Just like it's not your "fault" that you work and make your own financial choices. Yes, I think some people are jealous because maybe they made the wrong choices, or like us, they faced unforeseen difficulties that couldn't be prevented. So please take that into consideration on a case by case basis.

Other people make the wrong choices and feel put out too. Or they don't even put the work in at all. But really, it shouldn't matter to you what other people think. If they ever say it to you or put it on your social media, I think I would exclude them from the privilege of viewing such or speaking such to your face. IMO.

 

[House Cat]

We have a "rich" friend. We've never been or ever will be the "rich friend". Unless you count your riches in laughs and craziness and pretty flowers-we've got that a billion times over.

With our friend, we've dealt w/the opposite. Why can't you do this? Why can't you buy that? I've heard "well, it's fine for *you* to live like this but *I* can't" when we're in the midst of yet another diy project and they just hire someone and leave for a few days while the work is being done. "my mom had no choice but to buy me this or I couldn't work"---a house that her mom bought then paid to renovate to use for my friends business when the place she was in was changed, b/c my friend didn't have the funds to buy it outright herself. "you'd feel better about yourself if you'd work more and take some of the financial burden off your husband and were actually contributing to your family"

We've since drifted away from them and I've not talked to her in two years I think? Well, I've seen her in passing a couple times but it's awkward.

I would want to do physical harm to that person after those words escaped her lips.

Hahaha yeeeah it wasn't one of our finest moments in friendship. Her husband was always calling to tell mine about the latest and greatest thing they bought...or his MIL bought for them, and they both spent a lot of time telling him to "just quit" his job b/c it was so horrendous-b/c *they* had family who supported them and allowed them to save their money so that *they* could do that, they felt my family should do that too and really said some unkind things about my parents for not doing so.

There were comments about my tattoos and appearance as well, and about her standing in the community as her mother's daughter, the certain expectations of her and how she should look. As if since my mom at the time just worked at the local greenhouse, it was ok for me to look like this whilst being the daughter of the most prominent Dr in the surrounding area put her on a pedestal.

The bitterness creeps in and it does go both ways I think. People w/no money can be *******s to people they say are their friends just as easily as people w/lots of money can be *******s to people they say are their friends. The trick I guess is to find people you like and enjoy to be around regardless their financial situation. Ignore the others and try not to let them have that power over you. My mom is huge into that-don't give them that power and control over you.

Ok, these people are just disgusting. Yuck!

Glad to hear you let them go.

 

[anne_h]

I agree with some previous posters... people who talk like this are often insecure about THEMSELVES. It has nothing to do with you.

Don't take on the burden of feeling uncomfortable about your situation and choices. Live your life and hold your head up high. You've done nothing wrong.

In response to your question, in my family I earn by far the highest income. But I'm very career oriented and have worked really hard, so to me this outcome makes sense. Everyone is supportive actually, although most don't understand what I do professionally, lol. But even if they weren't supportive, I'd be okay with it. There have been other decisions I've made that some people have not been happy with. But I didn't mind because I don't feel I need others' approval with my life choices. My husband is wired differently and doesn't understand how others' opinions don't bother me. He's very sensitive to them. lol

Anne

 

[ame]

Sidebar: I went to retrieve some hair products from my stylist tonight and surprisingly had my rings on. I caught the person in her chair gawking at them, and kind of smiled to myself. As I was leaving, I overheard a comment about "oh my god her ring is HUGE!" My stylist goes "she seriously never wears her rings, so that was one of those "rare animals in the wild" moments!" I laughed my ass off in the car.

 

[Hospatogi]

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions . Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” – Mark Twain

 

[telephone89]

This was a very interesting thread to read, I really appreciate everyone posting their experiences!

I have something similar to share. I bought a house LY (unusual for someone my age in my area), and everyone assumed that someone else had helped, or that I made drastically more than I did. I was considered the rich friend, because I bought a house. Now, I had always been a good saver, had saved since I was like, 17 to afford a 20% downpayment. I never had a nice car, in fact, I had some of the crappier cars in my circle. I also bought a house waaay out in the burbs, where it was cheaper. One girl, who had been my friend thought I was soo lucky and soo spoiled. She lived in her parents basement (still does), buys nicer NEW cars, and barely works. I have always had to fend for myself, and she thinks I'm the lucky one. We aren't friends anymore. But, I've just purchased my first 'nice' car for pick up tomorrow, and I'm sure she will hear about it. And spout some other crap to mutual friends about that. Now, please note my last car was a 2 door in which 1 door didnt work LOL. And I drove that POS for too long!

 

[MarionC]

I worked hard. I've had coworkers (1 in particular) comment on my jewelry and I've always reminded them that I spend my money on jewelry and not $600 Chanel flats conversation over.

this made me smile. I hear you!

 

[Jambalaya]

This was a very interesting thread to read, I really appreciate everyone posting their experiences!

I have something similar to share. I bought a house LY (unusual for someone my age in my area), and everyone assumed that someone else had helped, or that I made drastically more than I did. I was considered the rich friend, because I bought a house. Now, I had always been a good saver, had saved since I was like, 17 to afford a 20% downpayment. I never had a nice car, in fact, I had some of the crappier cars in my circle. I also bought a house waaay out in the burbs, where it was cheaper. One girl, who had been my friend thought I was soo lucky and soo spoiled. She lived in her parents basement (still does), buys nicer NEW cars, and barely works. I have always had to fend for myself, and she thinks I'm the lucky one. We aren't friends anymore. But, I've just purchased my first 'nice' car for pick up tomorrow, and I'm sure she will hear about it. And spout some other crap to mutual friends about that. Now, please note my last car was a 2 door in which 1 door didnt work LOL. And I drove that POS for too long!

It's just jealousy because you've done well for yourself. Everywhere I look in life there is jealousy, jealousy, jealousy. I hear others just bitching about other people sometimes and it's always because the target is good-looking, or successful, or has a partner who is those things, or a child who has done well, or they've inherited some money - oh, the list goes on. Bitch, bitch, bitch. It's depressing. I'm sick of listening to it. Why can't people just be happy with what they have? And why do none of these people seem to know that being down on someone just because they have more than you in some department is completely tasteless? How much more gracious to say, "Yes, the Joneses new car is amazing. I hope they enjoy it!"

In our town a wealthy man built a fantastic large house - a true mansion. So the (clearly jealous) man who lived opposite decided he was going to make trouble on a technicality, so he took the rich man to court on the pretext of his walls being an inch or so higher than regulations.

Then, when a building regulator (or whatever they're called) went round to speak to the rich man about his walls, the regulator said to him, "Why do you need such a big house for just you and your wife?"

How completely rude!

 

[Jambalaya]

I worked hard. I've had coworkers (1 in particular) comment on my jewelry and I've always reminded them that I spend my money on jewelry and not $600 Chanel flats conversation over.

this made me smile. I hear you!

On behalf of others, I'm tired of rude people who comment on the way others spend their money. Instead of justifying yourself by making the Chanel comparison, you should have just said "Yeah, I've got money to throw around. I don't even like jewelry but hey - gotta waste it somehow! This is the best way I could think of to chuck some of it down the drain! This pendant cost thousands!"

Or I'd just say, "No justification needed."

Rude people.