What is customary for a funeral?

[nala]

In terms of donations, flowers? IOW, is one expected to donate money? Send flowers? How do you guys approach this situation?

 

[packrat]

I suppose it depends on what you're comfortable with. And who passed away-friend, relative, coworker, acquaintance etc. You could send a condolence card. You could send flowers or a plant to the family or to the funeral home that the family can take home. My family has sent meat and cheese trays. I've seen in obituaries the family has requested "in lieu of flowers" a donation to be made to a charity or cause that is meaningful to them or to the person who passed away.

 

[UrsTx]

i wait for the obituary to come out and follow the request of the family. If the list a charity, I donate in that persons name. If not, I send flowers or a plant to the funeral home. A simple condolences card to the family is nice too.

 

[azstonie]

Flowers for funerals have become very expensive---I sent standing sprays to several funerals recently and they were about $275 each. That said, I was glad I did because there would've been very little if I hadn't. You may send something smaller than a spray that the funeral home will arrange in a nice place. The flowers are then either taken to the gravesite, the reception location (if there is one), or the main bereaved's home per their instructions.

There is a card with the arrangement that the florist will fill out per your instructions.

 

[Gypsy]

It depends on how close you are and also culture I think.

If its close family or friends we do flowers.

If it's not, I send the family edible arrangements. Or a plant. Like an Orchid or something.

I have never sent or given money for a funeral.

And if its someone I'm not close to, or something I'll just send a sympathy card.

 

[VRBeauty]

A funeral is not like a wedding, where there is (right or wrong) some expectation of a gift if you attend. Your attendance honors the deceased and shows the family that you care. A note or card of condolence is appropriate whether you attend the funeral or not, and is especially nice if you include a note about what the deceased meant to you, or your memory of some special times together. I like to honor someone that was particularly special to me (or whose survivors are) with a contribution in their honor to the designated charity or a group that I know would be special to them. A non-profit designated by the family will usually have the necessary contact information, and will let the family know that you have made a memorial contribution. If you choose the non-profit yourself, you should also provide that contact information.

ETA - I'm speaking of the customs I'm used to... which may vary in other cultures or ethnic groups. I get the sense that the tradition of sending flowers to funerals is on the wane - or maybe that's just here on the west coast? The only flowers at my mother's memorial service were those we provided - and there have been very few flowers at the other funerals I've attended recently, too.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

We send a card or attend the funeral or both. On occasion if there are charities listed, we may or may not donate in the person's memory. I think there is zero obligation to do so. I agree with VRBeauty that flowers are sent less than in the past. I do not send them because I would rather donate to a charity in their memory that pay for flowers that will die. I honestly would not care if there were flowers at the funeral of my loved ones.

 

[momhappy]

How you choose to respond is situational and depends on your own personal circumstances. Some families of the deceased will have specific instructions for those who care to donate (for example, in lieu of flowers, donations can be made to….. etc.)
Typically, I prefer not to donate flowers unless there seems to be no other options. I prefer to donate to a cause in honor of the deceased - provided that one has been specified. When my father-in-law passed away, the monetary donations that people made to a charity that he had supported throughout his life, seemed so much more meaningful than a plant or a bouquet of flowers.

 

[missy]

How you choose to respond is situational and depends on your own personal circumstances. Some families of the deceased will have specific instructions for those who care to donate (for example, in lieu of flowers, donations can be made to….. etc.)
Typically, I prefer not to donate flowers unless there seems to be no other options. I prefer to donate to a cause in honor of the deceased - provided that one has been specified. When my father-in-law passed away, the monetary donations that people made to a charity that he had supported throughout his life, seemed so much more meaningful than a plant or a bouquet of flowers.

I agree with this. I much prefer to donate to the deceased person's charity of choice if I am close to the family/person who died.

 

[JanesJewels]

It seems that almost every obituary I read these days requests donations to a charity instead of flowers. Condolence cards are always welcome - I never fail to send a card. My mother taught me that you write a letter of condolence when someone dies, so I always do that. The bereaved can keep and re-read them for comfort. They are difficult to write, and I always end up tearing up at least three attempts, but I say how sorry I am and then I include a nice memory of the deceased. For example, when my uncle died I recalled how he had taken the trouble to introduce me to a particular author when I was 13, and how he had bought me my first copy of that author's most famous work.

When an acquaintance heard about my mother's death from breast cancer a few months after the fact, she went to a breast cancer website and made a donation in my mother's name. I really appreciated that.

I don't think you can go wrong with a sympathy card/letter and a charity donation. But wait and see what the family's requests are - there are almost always requests for a particular charity. If not, a donation either to a charity relevant to the deceased's illness if they were ill, or to a charity that they themselves supported, or to a charity that reflects their interests. Failing all that and if there are no family requests, you could make a donation to the facility where they were treated, unless they died of old age at home. In that case, make a donation to a charity for the elderly if there are no requests. I don't think you can go wrong with a charitable donation. I agree with Diamondseeker that it's not expected, but when families make the requests they're assuming that people want some means to show that they care. If money is tight or you simply are not comfortable with donations, a sympathy card is always appropriate.

If the funeral is open to anybody who wishes to pay their respects, and if you were closer than an acquaintance, you should try to go. I will never forget those who turned up for me on that dreadful day. They earned a place in my heart forever. Obviously, if the funeral is small and private, that's different.

And if you really want to show that you care, continue to check in with the bereaved every so often for at least the first year, although some say the second year can be harder as it sinks in. Don't leave them alone in their grief, if you are closer than an acquaintance.

It's difficult because we don't know how close you are to the bereaved. However, if these are people that you care about, consider the fact that this is an opportunity to give them love and support and show them what they mean to you. They'll be your friend for life. And taking care of the deceased's loved ones is also a way of honoring the deceased.

 

[JanesJewels]

P.S. It's also nice to put a note in your diary and then send a simple card on the first anniversary of the death when it comes round. Many bereaved people say how hard that day is, but of course by that time most people have forgotten.