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At the end of my rope, please help!

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frazzled

Rough_Rock
Joined
May 9, 2005
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2
I''m new to this site, while I have been reading posts for a few weeks I finally sumed up the courage to post. Sorry, this is going to long:

At age 24 I fell in love with a man. He seemed to be perfect in every way. At age 26 we got engaged and he bought a house, which we moved into. Now, my family loved this man, he was rich, handsome, personable- just every thing a woman could want, almost. This man insisted that I not work (I have no education other than highschool) and enjoy life to the fullest. He took me everywhere I had ever dreamed of going, bought me everything I''d ever wanted and more, including an amazing 4ct. engagment ring. Now, don''t get me wrong, I loved this man for who he was, not what he had. I didn''t even find out until 6 mo. into our relationship that he was so well off. Anyways, I stayed at home took care of the house, which I might add was a full time job in its own. He didn''t even like me doing that and wanted to get a maid, but I insisted that I must do something to make up for everything he''d given me. Life was perfect, not only was I engaged and in love with the man of my dreams but I had more than I ever thought possible. We were going to be married in a year, and I started wedding planning. Well, not even six mo. into the engagment I found out he was seeing someone else. This killed part of me, I could have just died. I didn''t know what to do, so I talked to my parents. They told me that this man had done something amazing for them, and that was to give me the life they could not. They also told me that I''d be a fool to leave him, and just to talk to him, but not get too upset, for that might scare him away. So I did just that, except for the getting upset part, I couldn''t help but be a wreck! He told me that he decided an open relationship would be best for us, but he still wanted to get married. Once married, he explained that we would have an open marriage as well. He told me he thought I was okay with it. I was anything but "okay" with it. After days and days of fighting and pleading, he finally laid down the law. I was told that if I couldn''t live with his lifestlye choices to get out, and that he didn''t want to hear another word out of my mouth about it. He also said that he was a grown man and he''d do as he pleased and no woman was gonna stop him. I couldn''t believe this was happeneing... everything just crashed down around me. I went to my family again, asking for support and answers. My parents basically said this is the price you must pay for having everything you do. I couldn''t believe this either, my own parents where telling me just to live with it. After weeks of living with this man while he was sleeping with someone else, I just couldn''t stand it. I didn''t want to even see him, letalone marry him, and my life was falling apart. I was a mess. I get the nerve up and left him. He tried to get me back a few times, always saying that he loved me, but he couldn''t change. Finally, after a long struggle, I was free of him. Having nothing to my name, except the ring which he so generously let me keep, I moved back in with my parents, who were, at the least, upset with the choice I had made, they would barely even talk to me.

Time went by and I found myself dateing again, only to find my current b/f. Now, I took this relationship extremely slow, not wanting to make any of the same mistakes. This man is not rich like my ex, but he had a nice house, and a great heart, we fell in love and I ended up moving in with him after we had been together for three years. My parents hated him because they thought he was not as good as my first husband, and they hated me for loving him. When he asked me to move in, my parents told me that if I leave to go with this man that they didn''t want to hear from me anymore, and not to even think of them as family. So, I did some thinking. I realized that if my parents are treating me this way, they cannont truely want whats best for me, so I went with my b/f. I have been living with him for over a year now, and things where going great. He has a good job, so I''ve just been working as a volunteer at the animal shelter, as well as having a part time job. We''ve talked about getting engaged, and I started to get anxious a few months ago...

So, I had been saving up since I moved in w/ him to get him this surrond sound system he really wanted. Three weeks ago I finally had enough money and I got the system, I was going to hang the littler speakers in the back of the game room and needed some tools, I went downstairs and started to look through his toolbox, when I came across a little box. I opened the box and inside was a ringbox which held a beautiful engagment ring, along with a piece of folded up paper, I unfolded the paper and it read: "Since you''ll be accompanying me next weekend I thought you''d like to have something nice to show off, how''s a finace sound?" My heart stoped beating.. I was so excited!! I couldn''t believe that my dreams were finally coming true! I qucikly put back the ring right where it was and decided to let him go get me the stuff from downstairs when he got home. I had no idea what "next weekend was" but I thought it must me some romantic trip he had planned, and I awaited anxiously for him to invite me... it never happened. "Next weekend" he told me he had to go on a business trip, and he was gone the whole time. At first I thought that the business trip came up, therefore he had to extend his proposal, but now I know the truth, there''s someone else. I went back while he was gone over that weekend and checked, no ring. I searched everywhere, no ring. Now, he''s hardly ever home anymore I know there''s someone else, but I''m just so scared to go through the same thing again. I mean I can''t go back to my parents, they wonl''t even answer my calls, I have no money, no place to live, a terrible job that I just used as means to keep me occupied, and no education. I am trapped. But worst of all I''m loosing the man I truely love for the second time!!!! I can''t even cry anymore, I''m so lost. I just needed someone to talk to, I don''t have any friends anymore. Lost them when I got engaged to my ex. ANy advice out there, I''d love to hear...
 

bstraszheim

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 21, 2004
Messages
533
Oh frazzled,

I can only imagine what you have endured and I''m so sorry that this has happened to you. I''m not sure what advice to offer unless you have any other family that could help you. You showed amazing strength to leave your first fiancee and I am sure that you still have this strength in you and will rebuild your life. I am sure that you will find much support on this board that will help you through this tough time. Feel free to private message/ email me if you want to talk.

I wish you well,

Bridget
 

twinkletoes

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 3, 2004
Messages
264
ok... deep breath!

You don''t know for sure whether there is someone else or not. I think having gone through the terrible things you did with your previous relationship, you''re carrying around some trust issues (and rightly so) into your new relationship, but don''t jump to conclusions and make yourself sick with worry.

You''re going to have to confront him on it. Who knows, maybe "next weekend" is some weekend coming up in the future! Or maybe he hid the ring somewhere else? Or maybe the ring was meant for his previous gf and things didn''t work out and he finally ended up returning it? Or maybe you are right and he''s seeing someone else. But you''re going to have to confront him and find out. I think it''s great that you love and respect yourself enough to have walked away from the first situation - even with your parents going against you. You really deserve someone better! Money won''t give you happiness! And just because he''s got money doesn''t mean he has the right to treat you like you''re 2nd class. Ugh! That 4c ring isn''t going to comfort you when he doesn''t come home at night! And I''m sorry your parents can''t seem to understand that. Yes, it was a nice ride while it lasted, but obviously not what you are looking for in marriage. And how horrible would it be knowing your family and maybe his friends know that he''s continuously cheating on his wife? What, are you supposed to just put on a happy face and think it''s ok for another human being to treat you that way because he buys you things? NO!

Anyways, enough rambling. I really hope things aren''t as they seem. But you''ll only know if you ask.

Oh and.. stand up on your own two feet! Get yourself a full time job, save up some just in case money, and have the security of knowing you can take care of yourself. Or instead of volunteering, maybe go back to school and get your degree. Do it for yourself! Girl Power! (ha, I can''t believe I just said that).


*hugs*
 

researcher

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 27, 2004
Messages
2,460
My heart goes out to you, Frazzled. No woman deserves to have this happen, let alone to have it happen twice. Have you talked to your boyfriend? Have you mentioned the fact that you came across the ring? You poor thing! I just can''t imagine what you''re going through. Have you considered counseling? I know it''s expensive, but it might be worth it. Do you still have your first engagement ring? I know it''s less than ideal, but can you sell it to get enough money to go out on your own? Do you have a co-worker or anyone who would be willing to help you out?
 

perry

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 19, 2004
Messages
2,547
Frazzled:

Tough situation; but know that you can survive this and prosper in the end.

While I am a guy, and see some things different than a gal, but I have learned a few lessons over the years. I do not generally support the concept of a open marriage. I do admit that "problems" can occur in marrages and mistakes can be made - and think it is upon the couple to work them out (and am not going to pejudice the outcome of some situation I know nothing about). But you should not be going into such a marriage up front unless there are some really unique situations (I''m one of these guy''s who always thinks of the extreemly rare situation), or unless you are entering another culture outside of the US where polygamy is accepted.

So the second guy is not only unfaithfull - but has been seriously dating another and proposed marriage behind your back... (at least the first guy was honest with you; which does not fully excuse the entire situation in my mind - but honest always counts big in my book)


The most important thing for you to know: is that you are who you are - and your value as a person is not dependent on another.

While I cherish my few close freinds, and greatly appreciate the internet freinds I have made here and elsewhere... The fact is that I too have gone through periods where all I had to depend on was myself; where I had to pick up and start over (complete with living in a "monthly rented" old motel room for a year and a half).

It is tough to pull out of that - but it can be done.

The most important thing for you to know is that you will become who you will be by the information you put into your mind and by the people you hang out with.

I suggest that you find a group of people who represent the ideals that you would like to become... and start hanging out with them. Often times this may be a religious based group. Other times it is another group. You can make new freinds.

Your past is your past, and we all have things in our past that we wish were not there.

What are you going to do for your future? That is really all that counts. Who and what do you want to become.

I know that this may be a bit much for you to visualize right now.. But I did want to plant the seed.

Perry
 

MissAva

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 6, 2005
Messages
8,230
*hugs* this must all be very hard for you. Know that if you need someone you can post, PM, or email myslef or the board. I am always availble to listen and offer support or just an ear. What do you want to do? Are you happy letting others have control over you? I am in school now and my biggest go is to be able to support myself 100%, my grandfather told me when I have 7 that succes was being able to tell any man to **** himself and walk away. Crude but it stuck with me. I think you need to work full time/or get a higher level of education maybe both. I know this is hard to do but the rewards are many. Sit with your bf if he didnt care for you, he wouldnt have asked you to move in with him. Tell him what you were planning(so he doesnt think you were snooping) and what you saw. Then tell him that you want to know what happend to the ring. Be honest and logical. Lay down the deal breakers for you in a realtionship. Then listen. If you dont like what you here pack up and move out. Please dont hesitate to reach out, there are awlasy people who care.
 

sweetnghtmr

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 29, 2005
Messages
83
IM so sorry to hear this, how unfair life tends to be. I agree with what others have said, talk to him make SURE that the ring was intended for someone else and some odd turn of fait just didn''t prolong the expected proposal date. Also it''s always good to have a bit of your own money stored away in a "Just in case" fund. I wish there was more I could say, but this has just left me speachless, please keep us updated. You can always come here when looking for some much needed support!! Good luck with everything!
 

HOUMedGal

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 13, 2005
Messages
1,832
I''m soooo sorry, all that has happened to you TOTALLY sucks. I can''t imagine how hard it must be.

What I''d like to add to everything that''s already been said is PLEASE don''t let all this make you start doubting yourself, your abilities in life and as a partner, or your worth. There are soooo many women out there who get jacked around by men like the two who''ve mistreated you, and they keep going back because they somehow get the idea that they''re not good enough to have anything better. SOOO NOT TRUE. Don''t let this happen to you.

I totally agree with the "girl power" thing (and I can''t believe I just said girl power either! haha)...get a job, maybe even 2 jobs, or however many you can handle, start saving some money, get (or rent) a place of your own, think about what YOU want your life to look like, go back to school or do whatever else it takes to make that dream a reality. And DON''T worry about men (or the family that also mistreated you) for awhile. You''ve had more than your share of worries about men and love; why don''t you worry about YOU for awhile? Secure that life that you want for yourself.

Be STRONG, you can do it. It will be hard, yes, but it''s been done before, and you can do it too. And please know that you can always come here to find open ears, eyes, and hearts.
 

AmberGretchen

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 6, 2005
Messages
7,770
Wow, that is quite a story. First of all, let me say that I am sorry for everything you have gone through.

Second, I don''t think that you need to panic just yet. You may be right that your bf is seeing someone else, but at the very least you need to talk to him about it. Depending on your level of trust and your communication, I think the best option might just be to be honest - you found the ring in a completely non-snooping way, and so I don''t think he could be mad about that. Either way though, you need to have it out and be honest.

The other thing I would recommend is to prepare yourself. I know that it will be hard, but even before you have this conversation you need to ask yourself some difficult questions. First, you need to know if you could handle going back to school, because I think that is probably the only way you will be able to support yourself. Look in your area for community college programs and what would be involved in taking out loans to attend one. I think that a targeted program of some kind might be best, as opposed to a more general education, because it would put you in a position to earn money sooner. I say this not just because of the money, but because an experience like you had, regardless of how your current situation works out, shatters your self-esteem, and one of the best ways to start building it back up is to find a job that gives you confidence. I don''t know what your skills or interests are, but one thing you might consider is nursing - it can be done with an associate''s degree, and then you can work and earn good money if you decide to get higher-level nursing degrees. It might help you build confidence and meet people to have a career of helping people, and you are basically guaranteed employment and reasonable wages. I''m sure there are other careers like this, but this was one that came to my mind.

Second, you need to try contacting some of those friends from before your first engagement. I know you lost contact with them, but people can be surprisingly forgiving, and I think its worth a shot because the support would be really helpful for you right now.

I think that those three things - honestly discussing things with your bf, figuring out a plan of action to be independent if necessary, and trying to contact people who were once in your life and might be able to lend support, are the most important things. I wish you the best of luck with what may be a very difficult situation and encourage you to utilize the support on the boards here - a social network of any kind is helpful when you have difficulties in your life.
 

snow_happy

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2005
Messages
546

Hello frazzled,


I completely agree with AmberGretchen''s advice. I also wanted to commend you on your strength to leave the first guy - what a jerk! You went with your gut instinct (and against your parents) to do what is BEST for you. Don''t let this new situation make you believe that you are any less strong. Women are amazingly resilient and have a incredible amount of inner strength. Like AG said, be prepared, but also don''t jump to conclusions. Maybe bring up the subject that he seems distant lately and you wanted to talk about the relationship. I personally find it hard to believe that he would propose to someone else while living with you. What I mean is the first guy could have his "openness" without you knowing but if the seoncd guy was truly in a serious relationship don''t you think you would have seen another girl come by?


Still, whether or not your BF is cheating on you I think it''s important to find something that you can build some individual confidence and independence on. Of course it''s always devastating to lose someone you love but if you have other things to balance your life (school, friends, a job you are passionate about) then it seems to help.


Good luck and please feel free to post any feelings or concerns here!

 

Mara

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2002
Messages
31,003
My suggestion while you mull over what to do is to start saving on your own...or take that money you were going to use to buy him the stereo and sock it away just in case. Immediately get a full-time job that could support you if necessary. Do you have any acquantainces you can slowly further into friendships? Friends and ideally family are so important in times like this, if you cannot rely on your family...ideally strike up some friendships, if nothing else a few friends can keep your mind off things in a horrible time.

If things do go south and you find yourself in that same situation, please do not let it happen a third time. You should always be sure you are solvent and have healthy relationships in your life not dependent on a man. Take these experiences as a learning lesson. You will find you have inordinate amounts of strength when you need it...do not worry, you will get through this but you need to help yourself.

Best of luck.
 

icekid

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 17, 2004
Messages
7,476
Frazzled- First, I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you''ve gone through such bad situations.

I think you should tell your bf you found the ring immediately and see what he has to say. Really, it may just be a misunderstanding and you need to ask him about it! Either way, you need to know the truth so you can move forward.

But I agree with the ladies who''ve said that you need to be able to take care of yourself! I think you need to make your education a big priority. Even if everything ends up being fine with your bf, what if something happens to him and he cannot support you any longer?

Good luck! You''ll get through this...
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JCJD

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 8, 2004
Messages
1,977
Frazzled - The ladies and gentleman on here have already given you sound advice, so I won''t repeat it. However, I think that it is very important that you see a counselor as soon as you can to help you work through these issues. We cannot know everything you have gone through and are going through right now, and you need someone who can be your sounding board and a confidential advisor. Do you have a pastor, priest, or rabbi that you trust? They might be able to recommend a counselor in your price range or even offer those services themselves.

You are a strong able woman, and you are on the right track to beating this pattern you have potentially found yourself in. Confront your boyfriend, get yourself on your own two feet, and regardless of what happens with this relationship, I really suggest you find a counselor. Good luck!! You are in my prayers!
 

FireGoddess

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 25, 2005
Messages
12,145
Frazzled, I think everyone thus far has given you some excellent advice.

I want to tell you that I am SO PROUD of you for going against your parents and realizing that you deserve to be treated better than your first fiance was treating you. That took a hell of a lot of courage and resolve to leave a man you were completely dependent on, especially in the face of your parents telling you REPEATEDLY to stay with him. I just want to line your parents up and smack them until my hands hurt. And your ex-fiance too, but that''s another matter. Someone already said it, but not even a 10 carat diamond ring would comfort you when he didn''t come home at night. There are some people who are fine with open relationships, but since you are not one of them, I am very glad you stood up for yourself and left.

As for the current situation, I think the first order of business is assessment of your situation. Do you have enough money to rent your own apartment? This will have to include things like a security deposit as well as utilities and things. Assess your financial situation and potential for independence. Get a full time job immediately while you look into the possibility of getting an associate''s or bachelor''s degree. I think that''s a good idea in the long run, regardless of whether you end up staying with this boyfriend or not. I say these things BEFORE confronting your current boyfriend because if things go sour, you could end up on the street without a dime and without a friend to take you in. Personally I think it is imperative you find out what''s going on with your boyfriend - if this ring thing is a misunderstanding or if he is two-timing you. But I also think it''s imperative you make sure you can support yourself if the answer is something you don''t want to hear.

I wish you well - your story really disturbed me - particularly the actions of your first fiance, and then heartbreakingly again in your current situation if it turns out he''s seeing someone else. Feel free, as others have said, to PM me if you need to talk or vent.

Best of luck.
 

blueroses

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 15, 2004
Messages
3,282
You poor baby. What an awful situation. I agree with so many of the others--you have been terribly burned not just by your emotionally abusive (because that''s what he was!!!) ex, but also by your parents for their woefully misguided opinions and total lack of support for you. You did the right thing cutting ties and leaving, and I can''t imagine how terrifying and difficult that was.

I agree with what others have said about needing clarification about this ring you''ve found--it is possible that the worst is true, but it''s also possible that there is a legitimate explanation (a lot of the women on here have boyfriends who keep the ring hidden around the house for months and months pre-proposal; next weekend could be lots of things; he could have simply moved it; it could indeed have been for an ex, etc.). Obviously you don''t want to be fooled TWICE, so it''s understandable to assume the worst. But you have to find out for sure. Only you can tell when the right time for that would be, and if it''s not something you''re ready to do, then I totally agree with Mara, etc. about stepping up the job hours and saving as much as you can.

Do you still have the 4ct ring? I''d sell it--you don''t need sentimental memories from such a cruel part of your life, and the money could keep you going for some time while you got on your feet. I also wasn''t clear on whether you ever married guy #1 or if you were engaged. If you married him, then you''re certainly entitled to some support legally....but I don''t know how long ago this was, etc., and imagine you want nothing futher to do with that part of your life.

You have to find out the truth from guy #2. There is a logical explanation to your discovery--either one that will bring relief or one that will bring pain, and I guess you just have to prepare yourself.

YOU ARE SO STRONG AND BRAVE!!!!!! I''m so impressed. Hang in there, and please vent as much as you want--that''s what we''re here for. ((((HUGS))))
 

frazzled

Rough_Rock
Joined
May 9, 2005
Messages
2
I''m blown away by the number of you who took time out of your day to give me some guidence, praise, and advice, thank each and every one of you, each reply touched me more and more! I never expected so much support! Thank you with all my heart and soul. Thanks to everyones'' entreys I''ve now decided what I''m going to do.

First of all I''m going to get in contact with a woman I use to work with. I once watched her daughter (who is 14) for a week while her and her husband went on vacation, I wouldn''t accept any money and she told me that if I ever need anything to give her a call. So i''m gonna call explain whats going on and tell her I don''t know for sure, but I''m going to find out. And hopefully she''ll offer a place to stay for a few days if need be.

Secondly, I''m going to sit down and have a talk with my b/f and confront him with the evidence. I hate to do this, but it has to be done.

You all are right, no matter what happens I can get through it, and i only have a little over $300. in my account so I plan to sell the ring, however I don''t know where to start...but Ill find a way.

Oh yea! I already have a call in to my boss about starting full time, I did that last night, so Im just waitng for her to return my phone call.

One more thing- Its hard for me to get computer access, so I''m sorry if it takes me a day or so to reply.
 

Rockchick

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 15, 2004
Messages
627
Hi Frazzled
35.gif


Keep us posted! Good luck!
 

teebee

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 15, 2004
Messages
812
Frazzled ~ I only have a minute but I read your story last night and my heart just aches for you... I just want to tell you that I admire your strength and courage. It is not always easy to do what is best for yourself but you have certainly proven that you possess a great amount of self-respect and self knowledge. And as hard as it will be, you will be able to summon additional strength for this current situation if necessary. I''m so glad to hear that you have inquired about a full-time position & have tried to get in touch with this woman you know ~ being proactive and level-headed during such a difficult and potentially painful time is to be commended!! I''m 31 years old and have recently returned to college after a 10 year haitus so I have some very recent experience dealing with student loans, etc. Feel free to post or PM me if I could help in any way. Big hugs ~ we''re all here for you!!!
 

jaysonsmom

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 13, 2004
Messages
4,879

Frazzled: I know you are probably thinking the worst, especially after what you went through the first time, but I just want to throw in my vote of confidence, and say that I’m hoping that everything is NOT the same, and that your bf is still waiting anxiously to surprise you. Here are my theories to why I think he’s going to surprise YOU with the ring.


a) You said that you’ve been saving money to buy him the surround sound system of his dreams. This means that you didn’t suspect him of cheating up until then, and you were so happy with your relationship that you wanted to save up all your money for some something HE wants.
b) You mentioned that you had talked about getting engaged, he never hinted that he didn’t want to, or that he had reservations.
c) He may have moved the ring after you asked him to get something from downstairs because he realized that it was a close call, and YOU could’ve found the ring if you’d gone down there yourself.
d) Maybe his business trip this week was to make arrangements for the surprise get-away, and he took the ring with him so that someone could have it for safe-keeping.
Call me naïve, but I just don’t believe that your bf could be that involved with someone (to the point of getting engaged) without you knowing or sensing that there’s something wrong with the relationship. If he DID propose to someone else while still living in bliss with you, he’s got to be the biggest jerk in the world.
 

twinkletoes

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 3, 2004
Messages
264
frazzled,

good for you! i''m glad you took immediate precautions regarding your current situation!! regardless of what is going on with the disappearing ring i think you are handling the situation with a level head and making sure you''re taken care of.

Also, what have you done with the 4c ring the scumbag gave you? If worst comes to worst, can you sell that? It would be great to use that money to start anew - your own financial cushion, your own place, tuition for school, etc... you know?

good luck with the talk and hopefully all isn''t as they seem! my thoughts will be with you...
 

ky6

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 4, 2005
Messages
451
Oh Frazzled!

I am so sorry for what you have been through. I think you have gotten great advice and are definitely on the right track. First, you must learn to be self-sufficient. Good for you seeking full time with your current job. I think that will not only help financially, but will also help keep you busy if you do have to end your current relationship. Second, I agree that you should sell your previous ring. I think that no matter what happens with bf, it would be a great way to begin financing an education. Third, I think that calling your old co-worker could result in you establishing a much needed friendship and support system (all women need that) even if you do not end up needing a place to stay.

You are on the right track! Congratulations for being so proactive and creating a plan for yourself. I am very impressed. When many people would have wallowed and gone through the woe is me routine you picked yourself up and created a very sound plan of action. Kudos to you just for that!

As for the current bf, I really doubt that it is what you fear. I cannot imagine how he would be able to foster and develop a relationship that is at an engagement stage while you are living with him. There would have been other signs in my opinion. Of course, I think you should be emotionally prepared to deal with that if that turns out to be the case (but it sounds like you are already there!). Just talk to your boyfriend and hopefully it will not be what you fear. But be prepared just in case.

We will all be thinking of you {{{{HUGS}}}}}}
 
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