Calling me "Hon." Is there a protocol?

[House Cat]

I recently went to a popular video game store in order to purchase a game for my nine year old son. The young lady who was working the counter did not appear to be over the age of twenty. Within the span of our six to eight minute transaction, she called me "hon" and "honey" and "sweetie" at least eight times. I am forty years old. I would like to think that I appear young for my age. I do not appear less than twenty years old.

I do not live in the south where this might be customary. As a matter of fact, calling one another "hon" isn't normal practice here in California. Maaaayyyybbbeee my grandma would have done it. I call my husband "honey." Well, until we got a dog named "Honey" and everything in the house got confused, but that's a whole different story.

So here's my point. It REALLY rubs me the wrong way when young girls call me "hon" or "sweetie." I feel that it shows a complete lack of respect for elders. I don't quite think of myself as an elder, but I think that you call someone younger than yourself "hon." Am I off base? Should I adjust my attitude?

The real rub is knowing that this young woman was most likely trying to be nice by calling me "hon." She just didn't know that she was being offensive and rude. Or, like I said, the problem is actually MY attitude.

 

[azstonie]

My take on this:

Its disrespect.

Its familiarizing you AND denigrating you all at once.

When someone "hons" or "sweeties" me in a store or doctor's office (the places this happens the most in my experience) I say "Do I know you?" If they ask why, I say "Because you called me your honey/sweetie/whatever and I'm sure we don't know each other."

Sometimes I just say "To you, its Mrs Pissed Off."

When my SIL "hons" me I ignore her until she uses my actual name.

 

[VRBeauty]

You could gently correct her... and let her know what you'd prefer to be called.... I would just tell her "I'd prefer it if you'd call me m'am," or simply, "ma'm will do."

I don't know how old you are, other than the fact that you don't quite think of yourself as an elder , but maybe you're in that age group in which some women take offense at being called m'am? If so, guessing at what to call you would kind of a no-win situation for her, since you're older than her and she's obviously she's not going to call you "Miss."

Oops - I see you're 40 years old. I suspect that's part of the age group in which some women insist on smart retorts when someone calls them m'am.

 

[tyty333]

Ugh, I call the kids at my daughter's school "honey" when I want there attention and don't know their name. It's elementary school.
Should I come up with something else? "Hey you?"

I dont think I have had too many people call me "honey". I don't think I give off the "honey" vibe.

I did have a guy at work call me honey once and I reported it to his manager. I felt like he needed to
take that word out of his vocabulary in a professional setting. We were both in our early thirties. It didn't
really make me mad but surprised that he got to this point in his career still thinking it's ok calling women "honey".

 

[athenaworth]

It rubs me the wrong way too, but I think it's because I've only experienced someone calling me "hon" when they're talking down to me. I have to try to put it in context when someone randomly does it but it still does bug me, so you're not alone.

 

[Boatluvr]

In Baltimore (Balmer), Maryland it is a very commonly used term. The clerk may simply be from another area.

I do think you are overreacting a bit. At least she was attempting to be nice. She may have thought you would be offended by her calling you ma'am - maybe she thought that would offend you for referring to you like an old lady.

These days when SO many people are so blatantly rude at least she was attempting to be polite.

Chill.

 

[Gypsy]

I use hon or honey sometimes. It slips out. I'm 39.

If the person is older than me it's usually when I am trying to be especially nice or empathetic AND I delivering bad news and/or disagreeing with them. I'm not trying to be rude or condescending when I do it... quite the opposite.

But if I use with toward a noticeably younger person (who is not a server) I use it instead of "you idiot" cause that would be impolite.

I don't use it too much with people my own age, unless I DO know them. I call my best friends hon a lot.

But sometimes at a restaurant it will slip out with a server. And I don't intend it badly there. All I mean then is "I don't remember your name and you are not wearing a name tag."

I will have to be more conscious of this if so many people see it as disrespectful. But I do agree with Boatluver: she was trying to be nice and I think that should be acknowledged.

 

[lambskin]

I ignore it and find a time (sooner than later) in the conversation to call them "Hon", "Dearie", "Babe", "Sweetie" straight faced. They get the message.

 

[telephone89]

People can't win nowadays. I've had people complain (indirectly, not to my face) about being called the following: hon, ma'am, lady, miss. Would you rather 'hey lady' or 'hey you'? Now, I would prefer ma'am/miss over hon, but I don't think it is disrespectful. But some people really take poorly to being called ma'am/miss.

 

[Niel]

At my job I get called hon or honey often. Its over the telephone and typically by women.

Besides it being annoying in a repetitive sense when they say it 6 times in a 3 minute call, I don't mind. Its usually just a way of being friendly

I DO mind when I get it n the context of older gentleman ove rthe phone using it before making a condescending comment.

"OK thank hon, can you just do it for me!" - things like that.



In a related note my go to is ma'am. Regardless of age, if I'm being served or helped by someone I say "thank you ma'am" if its a woman, "sir" if its a gentleman.

 

[April20]

I'm southern and live in the south and it annoys me to have young girls call me "hon". I could care less if it's someone older as that's just the way it is here. I've never actually been called "hon" by a young girl. I generally get called "ma'am". It makes me feel old, but it doesn't bother me because that's the way I was raised too.

 

[Calliecake]

I hear hon and sweetie by women all the time and probably have said it often myself. As Niel said above it is usually a way of being nice.
Maybe it has different meaning in different locations? If I've used hon or sweetie in a post and have offended anyone I am truly sorry.

 

[momhappy]

People can't win nowadays. I've had people complain (indirectly, not to my face) about being called the following: hon, ma'am, lady, miss. Would you rather 'hey lady' or 'hey you'? Now, I would prefer ma'am/miss over hon, but I don't think it is disrespectful. But some people really take poorly to being called ma'am/miss.

I agree - you can't win and this is one of those things that I would just shrug off. Unless someone was being blatantly rude/disprespectful, I wouldn't assume that them calling me "hon" was meant to disrespect me.
And I am the opposite telephone - I'd prefer to be called "hon" over "ma'am" because ma'am sounds old IMO

 

[Calliecake]

I couldn't agree more a Happy Mom. It makes me feel like I'm a 110 when someone calls me Ma'am.

 

[telephone89]

People can't win nowadays. I've had people complain (indirectly, not to my face) about being called the following: hon, ma'am, lady, miss. Would you rather 'hey lady' or 'hey you'? Now, I would prefer ma'am/miss over hon, but I don't think it is disrespectful. But some people really take poorly to being called ma'am/miss.

I agree - you can't win and this is one of those things that I would just shrug off. Unless someone was being blatantly rude/disprespectful, I wouldn't assume that them calling me "hon" was meant to disrespect me.
And I am the opposite telephone - I'd prefer to be called "hon" over "ma'am" because ma'am sounds old IMO

This is why some people hesitate to say 'ma'am', even though it's pretty widely used. No one wants to make someone else feel old!

Some people also just talk like 'that'. Hon, sweetie, etc. Like Penny from TBBT. She calls everyone sweetie, and it's just how she talks. And yes, I do know its a made up character!

 

[Maisie]

I can't remember ever being called hon or anything similar. I don't think I would say anything if someone did. My interaction with a store assistant/waiter etc doesn't last long enough that it would need to be addressed.

 

[OreoRosies86]

As long as the person is being friendly, I would let it go. Life is tough enough, if the worst thing a person does to me is call me "hon" I am having a good day. Why make them feel bad?

 

[maccers]

Housecat, I'm with you on this one. It makes me crazy sometimes. I'm in my mid-30s (almost late 30s) and I DETEST when people do this (most often it's women). It makes me feel so...ODD...like 'am I missing something here? do we know each other?' because, to me, it's a very casual, overly familiar way of speaking to a stranger. It's like asking me to sit on your lap, know what I mean? Add to that it's often said by someone 10 years my junior (I'm much more forgiving of sweet senior citizens). Granted, I live in Canada, so speaking this way isn't a cultural, daily thing like it might be in the Southern US, so it REALLY sticks out when it happens. I've also noticed it on message boards (not PS though).

When I use those words, I reserve it for my family and close friends...they're terms of endearment said with sincerity and intent.

I do appreciate that it's not meant to be insulting/belittling/condescending and that most of the time, it's supposed to taken as charming/endearing. So, I try to ignore it and focus on the substance of the conversation. I've never brought it to anyone's attention, it's just not worth the trouble. Particularly when the transaction is fleeting (but I would prefer it NOT be said).

 

[momhappy]

People can't win nowadays. I've had people complain (indirectly, not to my face) about being called the following: hon, ma'am, lady, miss. Would you rather 'hey lady' or 'hey you'? Now, I would prefer ma'am/miss over hon, but I don't think it is disrespectful. But some people really take poorly to being called ma'am/miss.

I agree - you can't win and this is one of those things that I would just shrug off. Unless someone was being blatantly rude/disprespectful, I wouldn't assume that them calling me "hon" was meant to disrespect me.
And I am the opposite telephone - I'd prefer to be called "hon" over "ma'am" because ma'am sounds old IMO

This is why some people hesitate to say 'ma'am', even though it's pretty widely used. No one wants to make someone else feel old!

Some people also just talk like 'that'. Hon, sweetie, etc. Like Penny from TBBT. She calls everyone sweetie, and it's just how she talks. And yes, I do know its a made up character!

TBBT is one of my very favorite shows!!!

 

[stracci2000]

I use "hon" or "honey" sometimes myself. I use it as a term of endearment, like at work when someone helps me or does me a favor.
I might say- "Thanks, honey, you're the best!" It means I like you. That's all, no disrespect, and no reflection on the person's age.
Sometimes I say it to men, too, but only if I am familiar with them and they know I am not flirting.

 

[azstonie]

Yes, one can win.

Example: I dont get cranky if anyone calls me ma'am. Or Miss. Or Excuse me,.

If the person addressing me is a professional I am retaining, hon, sweetie, dear are unacceptable and I find another doc/dentist/lawyer to remunerate.

Retail staff? I don't like it but it's not a continuing relationship usually.

Some random man? Uh, No.

It's about respect. I bet many of you wouldn't put up with that from a male store clerk, waiter, etc so why give our own gender a free pass?

In my teaching years, I NEVER referred to a parent (client) that way. When I worked in state government calling anyone such things would get one counseled, trained and ultimately fired if that disrespect was persistent.

Now in Balmer? Even I have heard of the Balmer Hons and I would love that!!!!

 

[stracci2000]

I do have to add, that here in the Southwest, someone might call you mija, (or mijo, which is masculine) which means sweetie in Spanish.
My mother's family, who are Syrians, may call you "habibi" which is also an endearment in Arabic.

 

[arkieb1]

This is really interesting because another member called me honey in an email recently and I could not tell if it was sarcasm or genuine. After reading this I now suspect it could have been genuine from your culture but it read as sarcasm given I am almost old enough to be her mother in mine....

 

[azstonie]

Stracci, my high school boyfriend's mother called me mija and I was honored. Habibi? Sure!

I have always believed that the way we address each other is important. I should probably go live in Japan.

I first joined the work force in 1981 and men got away with calling women all those things and much worse (think Mel Gibson and hi addressing a female CHP as "Sugar T*ts"). This is why I pay attention to what someone calls me, it's a direct line to what they likely think of me.

 

[packrat]

I don't see it as a big deal, really. If I were at a store and someone called me Blondie, yeah, I'd raise an eyebrow, or Shortie...chunky monkey...but who would do that, seriously. Hon, honey, sweetie, whatever, that doesn't bother me. I don't see it as a lack of disrespect when it's a term of endearment and obviously not used to purposely disrespect the person you're talking to. Even if it were an 18 year old who said it to me. And even if it were a guy. I might roll my eyes but it's not going to ruin my day. If it were a guy, I might tease JD and be like ooooo he called me hon!

I honestly don't think a person can win. Ever. I feel like we need to just let some things go. Sometimes things slip out, regardless. Maybe two people who called you Hon today, both did it and thought oof jeez hon? where did that come from? And in the meantime the person it was said to is irritated and it was a totally accidental thing. I called our lunch lady honey and dear the other day. It's reflexive when someone says "Miss Missi?" I automatically say Yes honey? or yes dear?

"Finding everything you need?" "Finding everything you need ma'am?" "Finding everything you need hon?" I feel like women (AND I'M NOT POINTING FINGERS AT ANYBODY I AM USING THE COLLECTIVE FORM OF WOMEN) get worked up over things. Eventually we're going to find ourselves at the point where we seriously can't say *anything* for fear of offending or irritating someone. Cripes, we've already had threads on how people shouldn't ask certain questions to people they don't know b/c it's rude and disrespectful and nosy.

If someone came up to me and said "who's a big girl? awww is my big girl finding what she neeeeds? ohhh lookit her shopping all by herseeeelf!" I'd probably pee myself from laughing, but that probably would be a bit over the line, yanno? I guess I just don't read that much into things like that.

ETA sugar tits hahahaha sorry omg if someone called me that hahahahaha well, nobody would do it w/in ear shot of JD for one thing, but if he wasn't there, the person would learn some new swears b/c *that* would send me over the edge. *that* is quite obviously meant in a disrespectful manner.

 

[arkieb1]

Mel Gibson was originally an Aussie there are outback parts of Australia where men still say things like that....

 

[GliderPoss]

At my job I get called hon or honey often. Its over the telephone and typically by women.

Besides it being annoying in a repetitive sense when they say it 6 times in a 3 minute call, I don't mind. Its usually just a way of being friendly

I DO mind when I get it n the context of older gentleman ove rthe phone using it before making a condescending comment.

"OK thank hon, can you just do it for me!" - things like that.



In a related note my go to is ma'am. Regardless of age, if I'm being served or helped by someone I say "thank you ma'am" if its a woman, "sir" if its a gentleman.

This exactly. I loath being called "Babe" or "Honey" by anyone but my DH, but I do notice it frequently from sales-assistants. I especially mind it from older men but have not experienced it in my current workplace thankfully.

I actually love the American way of calling women "Ma'am" I think it's so polite!

 

[Niel]

Packrat, I hear what you're saying, but as a woman who works in customer service, there is a often an element of sexism.

This is, again, not when a women says hon to be friendly ( or because they forget your name). There's a difference and its obvious. Sweetie or Hon often comes out before a condescending remark that questions your knowledge or authority.

I suppose it could be agism as well, as I am on the younger side (mid 20s) but most often it comes from middle age men. I've discussed it with my coworkers often. The men I work with are only called sweetie by nice old women. But also, they don't get "can I speak with your manager" as often..... or "maybe I can have your number?" Or "bitch..." at all .

 

[House Cat]

I know how to handle *sugar tits*


"Hon" is another thing all together.


My husband's ex-wife used to call me "hon." It would grate up my spine like fingernails on a chalkboard. That woman was the worst piece of sociopathic work I have ever known, but we had to fake it...for the kids. There she was, calling me "hon" and she was younger than me. I truly believe it was her way of messing with me while appearing sweet.


As I said, I know the girl at the video game store didn't mean any harm. I think that manners are a lost art when raising kids these days. Wow, I sound like a really old, angry, lady. Where's my leopard print fur coat and my elongated cigarette holder? I guess it's time to shrivel up and be my eccentric old self!

 

[Niel]

House cat.

Yes, the amazing art of being nice-ty. Nice and nasty. Conversations like that are the worst.