ring for gift

[kellydean]

I just came home from my nail app. the girl(also friend of mine) doing them told me her son was going to buy his gf a pearl ring for xmas. they are early 20's and dating for 3 years and just moved in together. I told her that if that boy pulls out a ring box and hands it to her and she opens it to a ring that is obviously NOT an engagement ring ..it will break her heart. (they have talked about marriage too) am I just too old or wrong in my thinking that a ring from your bf should be of some meaning? if he wants to get her jewelry why not a necklace? I KNOW when I wanted to get married a pearl ring would have devastated ME. (knowing he didn't mean it as an engagement ring) she says I am being silly and her son is sweet to buy her that. (I want to be a fly on the wall at their house Christmas morning..LOL) what do you guys think? is he sweet or or just STUPID!!!!!

 

[Niel]

Depends. Did she ask for it? Has he bought her rings before? Have they talked about an engagement and what the timeframe might be? For example... If they both agreed to wait until they were done with schooling, and they aren't, she might not be upset.

 

[Gypsy]

I think it's fine.

My DH bought me a gorgeous ring as a graduation present. We were engaged, but I had no engagement ring. And I didn't think OMG! it's an engagement ring when I saw the box. Nor did I want to throw myself under a bus when it wasn't.

If this really throws her into a tizzy, then it will be a good opportunity for personal growth and a conversation about mutual expectations with her boyfriend.

 

[isaku5]

I think it's fine.

My DH bought me a gorgeous ring as a graduation present. We were engaged, but I had no engagement ring. And I didn't think OMG! it's an engagement ring when I saw the box. Nor did I want to throw myself under a bus when it wasn't.

If this really throws her into a tizzy, then it will be a good opportunity for personal growth and a conversation about mutual expectations with her boyfriend.

Okay, here is the reality in 1960 DH and I had bought each other 'promise rings', but I don't remember exactly what we promised each other. I'm inclined to think that we promised a future marriage commitment IF WE WERE CONVINCED WE WERE STILL COMMITED TO A LONG LIFE TOGETHER. That was my interpretation, at least.

Yes, we had looked at engagement rings and I had chosen the style I liked, but no money had exchanged hands. Also, we didn't have all the tools that are now available to pick a diamond. We went with 'eyes only'.

For my 19th birthday, now DH bought the engagement ring. OMG, I couldn't believe it, and neither could our parents or friends. DH's parents told him that I'd probably lose it and that it was too much money to spend. His mom also noted that I would probably sit around, 'like a princess' and order him to look after what needed to be done.

None of this came out until after we were married Years later, I called the doubting Thomases as we had outlived the odds and their predictions. In April we should celebrate our 52nd anniversary!!

 

[Rhea]

I would've cried. Not my husband but a previous boyfriend did something a bit similar, not quite, to me. We'd dated for a bit and had discussed marriage and I was given a ring. It was all a bit of a mess. I don't think I'd have been upset if I'd known the ring was coming or what it meant at the time, but the confusion following the gift was very upsetting. I don't know how else to describe it.

I agree with the others that a ring can be given without the world ending, but it's also very different if the couple is already engaged, as Gypsy was, and it just wasn't an engagement ring to a couple who has been together a while, discussed marriage, and is just waiting for the ring or proposal.

If she thinks, in any way, that it's an engagement ring or will be an engagement ring, the disappointment in the heat of the moment, even if the couple isn't ready yet, can throw emotions out a bit. The time and place to do that isn't a public occasion when she'll need to show off the gift with a smile on her face in front of family and friends. Even a simple, short explanation right before the box is handed over would have worked for me and been an emotion saver for me.

 

[the_mother_thing]

If she thinks, in any way, that it's an engagement ring or will be an engagement ring, the disappointment in the heat of the moment, even if the couple isn't ready yet, can throw emotions out a bit. The time and place to do that isn't a public occasion when she'll need to show off the gift with a smile on her face in front of family and friends. Even a simple, short explanation right before the box is handed over would have worked for me and been an emotion saver for me.

This. We all want to be mature and have our emotions in check, and I get that. But in this situation, there is a better chance than not that she will have at least a flutter of anticipation when she sees the box (if it's "ring box" looking), along with a likely ounce or two of anticipation that it "just might be", and experience a bit of an obvious visible let down when she realizes "it isn't", even if they have had "the talk". There are some guys who still do surprise their ladies, and in that moment she might think that is what is happening. And it's reasonable to think she will be disappointed when she learns it isn't.

I am with you OP/Kelly. I would opt for ANY other piece of jewelry but a ring right now, given the circumstances you outlined. They just moved in together and have talked marriage. It's not out of the realm of reasonability that the timing is right for an engagement from a woman's perspective, given all that.

 

[EvangelineG]

My sister's boyfriend (now husband) did this to her. She had FEELINGS, and not the good kind, after she discovered the ring box did not contain an e-ring, but just a ring. It was confusing, embarrassing and disappointing to everyone involved. I would only do this if there was a solid understanding, and the ring was not a surprise gift.

 

[distracts]

Yeahhhhh I think that is something that needs to be discussed/disclosed beforehand. I honestly think for MOST people the proposal is a surprise, and that those of us who mutually decided on it beforehand are at least less than half the population. And so many surprise proposals happen at the holidays, too. It's a sweet gift, but ONLY if misunderstandings are avoided - like by her knowing that he's getting her a ring that's not an engagement ring beforehand.

My brother gave his fiancee a not-engagement-ring at one point pre-engagement, but they had talked about it and it was a little like a promise ring to them. She wore it on her right ring finger and now that they are engaged, my brother wears it on his pinky (which is so adorable). But, again, like, they had discussed it, she sent him links to ones she liked, etc, so there was no chance for it to be an "omg - is it!?" moment.