Struggling with the sudden death of someone dear to me

[movie zombie]

I did some little things today, I needed to get off the couch and comb my hair, eat something, get outside. I went to the DMV which was oddly calming (usually not the case). I did a little grocery shopping, hung stockings, put up the tree. I dissolved into tears quite a few times, particularly when penning an impact letter to our Chief of Police. Things continue as normal and then it strikes into your heart. I hate being angry and bitter. I hate the evil in this world. I used to think people are generally good, but now I just don't.

it is all relative.......and sometimes doing a mundane task reminds us of just how lucky we are to have mundane things to do.

cry as much and as often as needed. i'm glad you are writing/wrote that impact letter! it will help with getting everything out and it will also inform the Chief of Police that the community needs special attention right now....and that part of that special attention is to know that justice will be coming.

 

[Andelain]

I saw this on the news, so terrible.

I have no words that could bring you any comfort right now, only hugs. I'm so sorry.

 

[canuk-gal]

I saw this on the news, so terrible.

I have no words that could bring you any comfort right now, only hugs. I'm so sorry.

This. Healing vibes your way.

kind regards--Sharon

 

[junebug17]

Adding my condolences to everyone else's Elliott - I am so very sorry about this horrific tragedy and the loss of your dear friends - sending thoughts of healing and comfort to you, take care of yourself during this very tough time.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Quick update, and many thanks.

I think I may look into going to talk with someone, a grief counselor or someone who can help me process better than I seem to be. I am surprised/alarmed by the amount of pain I am feeling and could use help sorting it out. I think what I am really looking for is for someone to tell me they didn't suffer and that it was over quickly, and no one knows the answer to that. I really don't know what I am hoping to get out of it. Mostly I just miss her. Her absence is palpable. They played a clip of her burnt out house tonight and a pair of her shoes was in the rubble. I immediately clicked off the tv and just sobbed into the couch. I spoke with my family today who reminded me that it is just going to take time, which is true but feels very far away. If I could sleep I might feel better, but it is only coming in the form of short, unsatisfying naps right now. I don't want to have dreams.

Grief counseling also feels very self indulgent for some reason, which rationally I know is silly, but it seems true.

 

[AprilBaby]

Grief counseling can be very comforting. It's a great idea. It may take a very long time to come to terms with what happened. Take your time and take care of yourself!

 

[Karl_K]

Thoughts and prayers are outgoing.

 

[PattyCo]

{{{{squeezyhugs}}}}

 

[TooPatient]

Continuing to send you lots of hugs.

It isn't easy and it won't just go away. If counseling feels right for you, then you should absolutely do it. Don't feel bad about needing someone to talk to. This is exactly why they are there.

Take care of yourself. Do try to get some sleep and remember to eat meals too.

 

[momhappy]

Quick update, and many thanks.

I think I may look into going to talk with someone, a grief counselor or someone who can help me process better than I seem to be. I am surprised/alarmed by the amount of pain I am feeling and could use help sorting it out. I think what I am really looking for is for someone to tell me they didn't suffer and that it was over quickly, and no one knows the answer to that. I really don't know what I am hoping to get out of it. Mostly I just miss her. Her absence is palpable. They played a clip of her burnt out house tonight and a pair of her shoes was in the rubble. I immediately clicked off the tv and just sobbed into the couch. I spoke with my family today who reminded me that it is just going to take time, which is true but feels very far away. If I could sleep I might feel better, but it is only coming in the form of short, unsatisfying naps right now. I don't want to have dreams.

Grief counseling also feels very self indulgent for some reason, which rationally I know is silly, but it seems true.

I don't think that you should be surprised by the amount of pain you are feeling - some of it probably has to do with the senseless, tragic ways in which they died. Your feelings sound entirely normal given the circumstances and if you feel the need to talk it out through therapy/counseling, then give it a try. I think that these sorts of things can be particularly difficult to process because our minds simply don't work that way (in other words, we can't comprehend the acts of violence that were committed and that's what makes them difficult to process). Keep us posted.

 

[Calliecake]

Quick update, and many thanks.

I think I may look into going to talk with someone, a grief counselor or someone who can help me process better than I seem to be. I am surprised/alarmed by the amount of pain I am feeling and could use help sorting it out. I think what I am really looking for is for someone to tell me they didn't suffer and that it was over quickly, and no one knows the answer to that. I really don't know what I am hoping to get out of it. Mostly I just miss her. Her absence is palpable. They played a clip of her burnt out house tonight and a pair of her shoes was in the rubble. I immediately clicked off the tv and just sobbed into the couch. I spoke with my family today who reminded me that it is just going to take time, which is true but feels very far away. If I could sleep I might feel better, but it is only coming in the form of short, unsatisfying naps right now. I don't want to have dreams.

Grief counseling also feels very self indulgent for some reason, which rationally I know is silly, but it seems true.

I don't think that you should be surprised by the amount of pain you are feeling - some of it probably has to do with the senseless, tragic ways in which they died. Your feelings sound entirely normal given the circumstances and if you feel the need to talk it out through therapy/counseling, then give it a try. I think that these sorts of things can be particularly difficult to process because our minds simply don't work that way (in other words, we can't comprehend the acts of violence that were committed and that's what makes them difficult to process). Keep us posted.

Elliott, I completely agree with Momhappy's comments above. Sometimes it really helps to hear a professional grief counselor tell us everything we are feeling is completely normal. It's very unsettling to feel overwhelming anger and sadness and it can be so emotionally draining. Please take care of yourself. It you feel talking to a professional will help you, please don't hesitate to speak with one. They may also offer some valuable tips to help you cope in the coming weeks along with what you can expect to feel as time goes by. Hugs

 

[rainydaze]

Elliot, I am still thinking of you and wanting to say something that helps. Of course, in the face of such a tragedy there isn't anything.

It sounds like your friend had a gift for helping kids and for connecting; maybe you could see it as a way of honoring to her to let someone help you (the grief counselor). Your rational mind is still present and attempting to peek through the raw and variable emotions; listening to it as best you can is what might keep your head just above water, or lift you just enough when you are sinking too low. That, and being gentle with yourself regarding the intense emotions that often follow the steps you take to face this, such as leaving flowers and talking to someone.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

In the wake of such circumstances/events/unfathomable tragedies...people are left to deal with questions. Many of those questions, are troubling.

Find comfort and help where you can--grief counsellor, Church, friends and family. It really is OK to ask for help.

Sharon

 

[Andelain]

These thoughtful and caring responses are so appreciated. Thank you.

As of last night the "man" (I couldn't classify him as human or animal.... demon, maybe) was apprehended by our outstanding police department. I plan to follow this closely in the coming months. The best thing in the world has been talking to the people who knew and loved them. The funny stories, the good memories, the "remember the time..." stories. There have been a lot of tears and raw emotion. I just can't stress enough how loved she was and how much good she brought to this world.

Her daughter was adopted from Russia and her mom went through so much to bring her to the states, raise her to be a lovely young woman. She participated in dance, theater, music, and was so creative and talented.

My dear friend devoted her life to children with special needs. There were children who were so delayed and she just... got them. She understood them and worked tirelessly to unlock their true selves and potential. There are been so many families changed for the better because she was in their lives, and future families who have been robbed of her care and compassion.

There are bad, bad people in this world. All we can do is try to be the good people.

I heard on the radio earlier that the suspect and Mani knew each other, damn. What kind of evil is inside him....

 

[OreoRosies86]

We are at a total loss as to how on earth she would have associated with a 30 year old man with a long string of crimminal convictions. We are just heartbroken and confused in every way. Mani was herself a special needs child, who would have languished in an orphanage had her mom not been the kind of person she was.

Someone commented that she and the monster who murdered her had posted a photo of the same drum kit on social media recently. Mani was a talented musician who played drums. It seems she could have maybe purchased an instrument from him, or responded to an ad, I don't know... She likely didn't know better. She trusted everyone. Like her mother she tried to see the good in everyone.

That's just the way Robin was. There was not a single person on this earth she would have turned away from. I don't want to speculate, but I have had to turn away from reading anymore news stories and the insensitive comments that have followed. It is literally making me sick.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I am deeply sorry to read this. It is too horrific to imagine. It was bad enough and then I related on a deeper level once you said the daughter was internationally adopted, as we have done that as well and it is a passion of mine. I cannot imagine such evil, but it is definitely present in this world. I am so very sorry for your loss.

 

[yennyfire]

I am so very sorry. What a tragedy...

 

[Polished]

I'm so sorry Elliot. Life can be so completely unfair sometimes. One of those times where, through no fault of their own, the very good cross paths with the very evil.

 

[woofmama]

Feeling for you Elliot I think seeing a grief counselor is a very good idea. I lost a very close friend in a murder/suicide many years ago and I still think about it. So sorry for your loss. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[OreoRosies86]

This weekend (Saturday and Sunday) we will say goodbye to wonderful Robin and her daughter. There has been so much heartache, we all need to be together now. In an attempt to get out of the house and do something productive I ventured downtown to the library. As I stood waiting to cross the street I realized I was standing in front of the funeral home handling their intake and felt like I couldn't breathe. I decided that it would be a much better idea to turn around and leave, so I did.

There has been a vast and truly amazing outpouring of love and support within the community. Everyone is banding together making meals and even organizing a lunch for the very special men and women Robin worked with. I just finished a tray of cinnamon rolls to drop off for her coworkers as a breakfast tomorrow morning. It all seems so small, but it has been comforting just doing the small things. You can feel Robin's love and spirit in them.

I will never get over this, and I can't say I enjoy the rage and hatred I have felt since I picked up the phone last Sunday. It is like part of the old me is gone and a lesser me remains. I am ashamed of that on many levels but for now it is how I feel. I don't know where that leaves me now, maybe I will have a better idea after I get some sleep tonight.

 

[Obsessed!]

I am so sorry. I knew what case you are talking about right away because I live in the local area. It is absolutely horrific. I want to send my condolences to you on the loss of your friend. I do hope you are able to talk to someone to work through this. I can not imagine losing a friend in this manner, it is tragic. Sending hugs.

 

[LLJsmom]

Elliott, you are very wise to seek grief counseling. I think it probably happens a lot, that a person is surprised by how deep the pain and loss go when you lose a friend. I'm so sorry. It makes no sense.

 

[arkieb1]

I am so sorry, I think you have every right to be angry, sad and all the other emotions that you are going through. You are obviously a kind sensitive person and it is impacting you deeply. Grief counselling is NOT indulgent, and if it helps you process your pain then it will be well worth it.

Hugs and healing dust and if you want people to talk to - we are all here for you.

 

[momhappy]

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you Elliot and wondering how you're doing today.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Today on a beautiful farm house overlooking the mountains, we said goodbye. It was emotional, with many moments of pain and joy. Her favorite snacks brightened the tables, and their pictures smiled from every angle. There were a lot of meaningful words spoken and songs sung. From the bottom of my heart, thank you PS community.

Hug your family, hug your friends, never forget to tell people how much they are loved. You never know when it will be the last time.

 

[missy]

Thank you for sharing today's goodbye with us Elliot. I am hugging everyone more tightly and more often these days and also sending big hugs to you and your family. I am so sorry.

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh sending you big big hugs Elliot. This is the kind of thing that brings you to your knees. I am praying for you. Grief counseling is the on;y thing that helped me in my time of need.

Prayers and hugs and anything you need, we are here for you....

 

[Calliecake]

Elliott,

My thoughts have been with you as I can only imagine how hard today was for you. I am so sorry for your loss.

I sincerely hope you consider grief counseling. There was a time in my life when I wondered if I'd ever feel happy or joyful again. I believe counseling helped me more than anything else. Please take good care of yourself and your family. Hugs

 

[TechieTechie]

Elliott...first off, I am so sorry for your loss. The unexpected loss of someone so close is heartbreaking in and of itself is hard enough, particularly those who are young. Combine it with violence, and it must be truly catastrophic.

I applaud you for considering grief counseling and strongly, strongly urge you do to so. I, unfortunately, have some inkling of what you are going thru (lost my brother when I was 15 due to a horrible car accident) and I didn't seek it out and refused it when my mom/stepdad tried to help a few years down the line. And years later, when I knew better, regretted that I did not (as it took me too many years to move on). You are feeling a number of very real and normal reactions (fear, anger, disbelief, overwhelming emotions, exhaustion) and a professional can help you navigate through this time.

All I can recommend is to seek help and let yourself feel and do whatever it is your body and mind are telling you right now. Don't try to force or label anything...just be there in the moment. And your emotions will come in waves. I was 100% stone cold 'normal' at school the day after my brother died...and all it took was one look from my band director (whom my brother and I both adored) while we were rehearsing...and that set me off for hours. And I had hundreds of those moments....totally normal 1 minute, and completely a mess another...and you will too. And that's okay...that's your body and spirit's way of grieving and trying to move forward. The best you can hope, in the long run, for is to accept the situation and move forward. It won't be easy, but eventually, with the proper healing, you will be able to remember them mostly with fond memories and love, and sometimes, just a longing for them and a few tears.

And if you've never heard of Elisabeth Kuber Ross' 5 stages of grief, reading that was helpful to me. Finally, I saw that you are having problems sleeping. When my stepdad was in his final days and for a week or so after he passed, I had a hard time sleeping. I hate drugs, but was finally convinced by my sister to take some Ativan....and that helped immensely. Your body and mind are dealing with so much right now, it is much easier to deal with (or at least a little less roller coaster-y) when you have a good 6 or 8 hours of sleep behind you...just a thought.

Sending big hugs and prayers to you....and we're here to listen and help any way we can.

Jen

 

[OreoRosies86]

Thank you for the amazing and thoughtful responses. The shock is beginning to wear off, but the first thing I think in the morning is "Is it still real?" The finality of it all is very overwhelming.

I have a counseling appointment next month on the 5th. It is a baby step, but an important one.