visiting family

[momhappy]

Just curious how some of you deal with visiting family that you don't really care for? Normally, I'd drink a bit to take the edge off , but this particular family member (someone from my husband's side of the family) doesn't drink, so we try to be polite/respectful of that. This person is going to be in my house for almost 5 days and although I've very gently shared my feelings with my DH about their visit, I don't want to create issues (but I'm also having trouble dealing with the sense of dread that I feel). Guess this is just one of those grin-and-bear-it moments I'm rather impressed with myself that I was assertive (for once) and told my DH that he would have to give up his two, regular, weekend golf games while his family member was visiting because I would not be in charge of entertaining this person while he was off playing golf with his buddies. I feel a little guilty about that even though I probably shouldn't.

 

[kenny]

Just don't go.

 

[momhappy]

No, when I said "visiting family" I meant that this person is visiting me and staying in my home (I mentioned that in my post) - I had no choice in the matter.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

He doesn't drink. No worries. But that doesn't make your imbibing disrespectful, correct?

Can your husband take him along for a golf game? We have had many visitors who've accompanied the DH on "our" course--rented clubs and enjoyed the day whether they were regular golfers or not. Is this possible?

Have you made connections with family locally to you so you can GTG? Dinner ressy's out?

cheers--Sharon

 

[momhappy]

HI:

He doesn't drink. No worries. But that doesn't make your imbibing disrespectful, correct?

Can your husband take him along for a golf game? We have had many visitors who've accompanied the DH on "our" course--rented clubs and enjoyed the day whether they were regular golfers or not. Is this possible?

Have you made connections with family locally to you so you can GTG? Dinner ressy's out?

cheers--Sharon

The family member is a she not a he and no, she doesn't golf. Also, we have no family that lives here in our state, so we are on our own. I doubt that she would want to hang out with our group of friends because they are all younger and drink a fair amount. And as far as the drinking is concerned, she doesn't drink because she had issues with alcohol, so we try to be respectful of that (a drink here or there would probably be fine). Thanks for your advice though, Sharon - I appreciate your thoughts

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

Well your husband is taking care, we hope, of two days on the weekend. That leaves you three days with the visitor. I would plan something they like to do to keep them busy. A museum, aquarium, gallery, great shopping mall while stopping for lunch,(Do some holiday shopping with her). Take her to the kids school--I actually find that interesting. Schools are different. Let her come with you when you pick up the kids. Go for ice-cream, pizza, with kids and her. One evening take her to a movie.

If you do a few events with her that should be enough. Most people do not think they will be entertained 24 hrs. Your routine is important as well, so take her food shopping. If she likes the kids ask them to help entertain her. Teach her one of those gameboy things and play with the kids.
If I visit people they just take me long wherever they 're going . I'm happy. Let her help cooking.


Good Luck. Don't stress out and it will soon pass.


Annette

 

[marymm]

Can you break up her visit into segments? Like (hopefully) the 1st and 5th days are the days she is arriving and departing - so those should be easy days just relaxing at your house, welcoming her in and helping her pack up to go. The 2nd day, you and your DH take her somewhere (a meal out and afternoon at museum, ballet, local landmark, movie?); the 3rd day, everyone has breakfast together, then DH takes her somewhere that is known to have some interest to her (amazing knitting store? doll museum? best shopping mall?) and/or a tie to family lore/history. 4th day is lazy day, pull out the family albums/home movies (but maybe you have a couple of hours of errands to run outside the house?). Maybe find some wonderful holiday decorated neighborhoods and take a drive after dinner one night? Just ideas, but in a similar situation for me, planning out a loose itinerary while the guest is in town gave the visit some direction, while of course keeping in mind the guest's interests, and (significantly) allowed me to build in some time for just myself, and time for my DH to take the helm.

 

[RandG]

Wow- this is a tough one! Is it possible to busy yourself with things while she is there? Perhaps if you're active and doing things, either she tags along for the ride, or finds something else to do? If I have to be there, my trick is to just cook. I just stay in the kitchen and serve up dish after dish, then I clean up, go to the store for more food, cook some more, maybe do a bit of baking.... And I do really long, complicated dishes, so it eats up huge chunks of time. I find the cooking part calms me, and gives me something else to focus on, a reason to be distracted and looking elsewhere... I also usually ask a lot of questions, that I can just smile and nod to... drowning myself in a glass or two of wine...In the end, I look like a gracious hero host and it totally disarms the person too. How can they complain about being fed gourmet food for five days?

Good luck-- seriously.

 

[momhappy]

Wow- this is a tough one! Is it possible to busy yourself with things while she is there? Perhaps if you're active and doing things, either she tags along for the ride, or finds something else to do? If I have to be there, my trick is to just cook. I just stay in the kitchen and serve up dish after dish, then I clean up, go to the store for more food, cook some more, maybe do a bit of baking.... And I do really long, complicated dishes, so it eats up huge chunks of time. I find the cooking part calms me, and gives me something else to focus on, a reason to be distracted and looking elsewhere... I also usually ask a lot of questions, that I can just smile and nod to... drowning myself in a glass or two of wine...In the end, I look like a gracious hero host and it totally disarms the person too. How can they complain about being fed gourmet food for five days?

Good luck-- seriously.

Best advice yet!
I mentioned that I don't care for this person, so the last thing I want to do is spend some "quality time" with her at the mall…. Cooking is a great idea. I often busy myself with cooking, cleaning, etc. when my DH has her on FaceTime, so that I don't have to engage much in the conversation - I don't know why I didn't think of that in regards to the actual visit. I better start menu planning I will probably run some errands, etc. just to get away for a break every once in a while.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI MH:

It makes a difference if visitors are dependent--aka "no car". That said, gentle direction is yet required. I agree with others suggestions.

Is this visitor coming for Thanksgiving? If so, then like RandG, much time can be surrounded with cooking. One day--spent in preThanks prep, can she have input in what to cook? Then another day in shopping for the meal--and the next in cooking and clean up . OH LOOK five days are "gone"!

If she isn't there for TG, you can still make the most of that discussion. "What does she cook" .. is a good springboard for chat and recipe searching...

I know you said she doesn't golf, but for goodness sakes if your husband discusses his entire golf round like mine does, the description can take an eternity! At the very least he can oblige her! (My DH and my Mom watch the Bachelor together and discuss it for ages...but can't go there... )

And pre/Black Friday shopping! (I am Canadian, as if I know what I am talking about )

cheers--Sharon

 

[movie zombie]

their house, their rules and i'd respect their rules.
my house, my rules and i'd have that drink regardless of the visitor's views.
yeah, i'm a witch.

also, I think hubby should give up those golf dates to entertain his family member.
good call on your part to have him do so.

 

[monarch64]

Momhappy, I think you have to suck it up and play gracious hostess for this. Have a drink on the downlow in your bedroom or something. I think you've spoken here about this person before, and I understand that she is not your favorite/cup of tea. But for the sake of your husband, her brother? and your kids, their aunt? you should be at least civil and accomodate her for a few days. I know it's difficult. But you seem like a strong person and you can get through this.

Others have given great advice as far as keeping her occupied. But, have you ever thought this may be a life lesson? I mean, you're being tested in some way and this could be a learning opportunity? Maybe it isn't, but sometimes we don't recognize this type of thing when we're the ones who are being called upon.

I really think you'll be just fine. Have a drink. Don't worry so much about hiding it. See movies out, or watch movies in. Ask her to help you do things around the house or with your kids. As much as it kills you, going through this might make you stronger. You know all this. I really wish you the best of luck. But I don't think you need my (our) cheerleading. I think you will do great dealing with this.

Take care, and let us know how it goes, please.

 

[movie zombie]

Momhappy, I think you have to suck it up and play gracious hostess for this. Have a drink on the downlow in your bedroom or something. I think you've spoken here about this person before, and I understand that she is not your favorite/cup of tea. But for the sake of your husband, her brother? and your kids, their aunt? you should be at least civil and accomodate her for a few days. I know it's difficult. But you seem like a strong person and you can get through this.

Others have given great advice as far as keeping her occupied. But, have you ever thought this may be a life lesson? I mean, you're being tested in some way and this could be a learning opportunity? Maybe it isn't, but sometimes we don't recognize this type of thing when we're the ones who are being called upon.

I really think you'll be just fine. Have a drink. Don't worry so much about hiding it. See movies out, or watch movies in. Ask her to help you do things around the house or with your kids. As much as it kills you, going through this might make you stronger. You know all this. I really wish you the best of luck. But I don't think you need my (our) cheerleading. I think you will do great dealing with this.

Take care, and let us know how it goes, please.

LOL, my first thought was that she is being tested re setting limits!

Momhappy, remember: you can always vent here when things get rough.
also, find time each day to spend just on you.

 

[momhappy]

Momhappy, I think you have to suck it up and play gracious hostess for this. Have a drink on the downlow in your bedroom or something. I think you've spoken here about this person before, and I understand that she is not your favorite/cup of tea. But for the sake of your husband, her brother? and your kids, their aunt? you should be at least civil and accomodate her for a few days. I know it's difficult. But you seem like a strong person and you can get through this.

Others have given great advice as far as keeping her occupied. But, have you ever thought this may be a life lesson? I mean, you're being tested in some way and this could be a learning opportunity? Maybe it isn't, but sometimes we don't recognize this type of thing when we're the ones who are being called upon.

I really think you'll be just fine. Have a drink. Don't worry so much about hiding it. See movies out, or watch movies in. Ask her to help you do things around the house or with your kids. As much as it kills you, going through this might make you stronger. You know all this. I really wish you the best of luck. But I don't think you need my (our) cheerleading. I think you will do great dealing with this.

Take care, and let us know how it goes, please.

Thanks, but no, I haven't spoken of this person here before and yes, of course, I will play hostess while they are here. You're right, I will be just fine and I plan to suck it up - the point of my thread was simply to ask how others deal with this sort of thing. As far as using it as a learning experience, we just got back in town after spending 5 days in Disney (which was SOOOOOO much fun, but a change in routine, diet, etc.), so we are all still a bit tired from that and I'm afraid that I'm not in the right frame of mind for some sort of life lesson. I appreciate your thoughts though and I will keep you posted

 

[momhappy]

Momhappy, I think you have to suck it up and play gracious hostess for this. Have a drink on the downlow in your bedroom or something. I think you've spoken here about this person before, and I understand that she is not your favorite/cup of tea. But for the sake of your husband, her brother? and your kids, their aunt? you should be at least civil and accomodate her for a few days. I know it's difficult. But you seem like a strong person and you can get through this.

Others have given great advice as far as keeping her occupied. But, have you ever thought this may be a life lesson? I mean, you're being tested in some way and this could be a learning opportunity? Maybe it isn't, but sometimes we don't recognize this type of thing when we're the ones who are being called upon.

I really think you'll be just fine. Have a drink. Don't worry so much about hiding it. See movies out, or watch movies in. Ask her to help you do things around the house or with your kids. As much as it kills you, going through this might make you stronger. You know all this. I really wish you the best of luck. But I don't think you need my (our) cheerleading. I think you will do great dealing with this.

Take care, and let us know how it goes, please.

LOL, my first thought was that she is being tested re setting limits!

Momhappy, remember: you can always vent here when things get rough.
also, find time each day to spend just on you.

Thanks MZ. It has been a test in setting limits!
I think I did pretty darn good by requesting that DH refrains from golf during the visit. Since it is his family member after all, so why should I get stuck playing entertainment committee while he's off having fun? I also put my foot down on where this person would sleep - this person requested to utilize a guest space that is not convenient for my family (potentially disturbing the kids while they are sleeping, etc.). When we remodeled our home years ago, we included an entire guest suite above the garage to replace the guest room that is located right next to the kids' rooms because obviously, that location is not ideal (for both our guests and our children). I set up the guest suite as usual and that's that

 

[missy]

Good for you momhappy. You definitely did the right thing by telling your dh he had to be around this weekend for his family guest and NOT play golf leaving you to fend for yourself with her. And also by remaining firm as to where she is welcome to stay in your guest suite.

I feel for you because I dislike guests who stay for days especially when they are not my friends/family i.e. people I genuinely love and feel comfortable around for long periods of time. You have a lot of helpful suggestions in this thread so I will just wish you luck and hope the time passes quickly and painlessly and hopefully surprises you in that you enjoy the visit.

 

[movie zombie]

Momhappy, I think you have to suck it up and play gracious hostess for this. Have a drink on the downlow in your bedroom or something. I think you've spoken here about this person before, and I understand that she is not your favorite/cup of tea. But for the sake of your husband, her brother? and your kids, their aunt? you should be at least civil and accomodate her for a few days. I know it's difficult. But you seem like a strong person and you can get through this.

Others have given great advice as far as keeping her occupied. But, have you ever thought this may be a life lesson? I mean, you're being tested in some way and this could be a learning opportunity? Maybe it isn't, but sometimes we don't recognize this type of thing when we're the ones who are being called upon.

I really think you'll be just fine. Have a drink. Don't worry so much about hiding it. See movies out, or watch movies in. Ask her to help you do things around the house or with your kids. As much as it kills you, going through this might make you stronger. You know all this. I really wish you the best of luck. But I don't think you need my (our) cheerleading. I think you will do great dealing with this.

Take care, and let us know how it goes, please.

LOL, my first thought was that she is being tested re setting limits!

Momhappy, remember: you can always vent here when things get rough.
also, find time each day to spend just on you.

Thanks MZ. It has been a test in setting limits!
I think I did pretty darn good by requesting that DH refrains from golf during the visit. Since it is his family member after all, so why should I get stuck playing entertainment committee while he's off having fun? I also put my foot down on where this person would sleep - this person requested to utilize a guest space that is not convenient for my family (potentially disturbing the kids while they are sleeping, etc.). When we remodeled our home years ago, we included an entire guest suite above the garage to replace the guest room that is located right next to the kids' rooms because obviously, that location is not ideal (for both our guests and our children). I set up the guest suite as usual and that's that

you've got it under control! love it! LOL! and with that person nicely tucked in that guest suite above the garage? time to kick back with a nice glass of wine!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think it is very kind of you to abstain from drinking to support his family member's sobriety. If one cannot go 5 days without a drink, it may be time to examine some things. sounds like you are setting healthy boundaries but requesting DH's involvement. The visit will go quickly!

 

[momhappy]

I think it is very kind of you to abstain from drinking to support his family member's sobriety. If one cannot go 5 days without a drink, it may be time to examine some things. sounds like you are setting healthy boundaries but requesting DH's involvement. The visit will go quickly!

I agree with everything except the part about drinking. This isn't about not having the ability to go without a cocktail for 5 days - it's about wanting a cocktail at night to take the edge off of the fact that I have to be around someone that I don't care for for 5 straight days. There's no need to examine anything because that's not what this is about and my comments certainly weren't meant to ignite some sort of dialogue related to alcoholism. We try to (mostly) abstain from alcohol around this person, but this situation is different (normally, our family visits with this person might consist of short-term visits around the Holidays, etc.) because this person will be in my home for an extended period - and for that, I think that I deserve a cocktail

 

[luv2sparkle]

Momhappy, frankly all that sounds awful! I am glad you have a place for them to sleep away from you, so at least you can have a few moments of peace at night. Good for you in standing your ground, and it is completely reasonable. We have the same kind of issues with my DH's family and I don't even invite them for the holidays anymore. My inlaws moved about 4 hours away and sometimes, I just send my husband to see them. I totally get it.

I am not much of a drinker, but the only reason I would skip it would be because alcohol might make me a little freer to say things I normally wouldn't. Since I have alcohol so infrequently it really affects me. Family staying over would really make a margarita sound oh-so-good.

 

[Maria D]

Momhappy - I can't believe you felt a bit guilty about asking your husband to give up his weekend golf outings. In the same situation, I would not only insist on this, I'd make plans to be out of the house doing whatever while hubby entertained this guest from HIS side of the family! And five days is an awfully long visit. Being with people I enjoy spending time with can get tiresome after a few days. Would it be totally bitchy to hang a framed cross-stitch of that Ben Franklin quote: "Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days."

RandG - can I come visit you? I promise to be insufferable - and hungry!

 

[kgizo]

I wonder if we are related as I have a similar family situation
Some things I use are: I have a bad back and need to do daily stretches or I haven't been sleeping well and need a nap. Gets you 30-60 min alone time each day so you can take a much needed break. I make sure there are plenty of books/mags, walking maps, puzzles, etc so the person can entertain themselves for a short period of time. Or, can you go to an exercise class? I find that as long as I establish the need at the beginning of the visit it works well because the person expects to be on their own for a bit.
I think it is nice that you want to be considerate of her abstaining from alcohol. I don't see why you can't have an evening cocktail as long as it isn't obvious. It's like when someone is on a diet, they don't care if you have a piece of pie as long as they don't have to watch you eat it. Good luck.

 

[lambskin]

Momhappy I feel your pain. I can not imagine having to host someone I do not like for 5 whole days. Can I ask what she does or has done to get you riled up? Does she feel the same way or is she just oblivious to her situation? I think Monarch64's advice is spot on. Can she do anything such as holiday baking, sewing, or craftmaking? Can she write a family history in the peace and quiet of her own room? Can she do some chores that you have put off that she may enjoy such as mending, polishing silver or volunteering at a shelter or senior center? The key is to find her some busywork to keep her occupied. Good luck.

 

[CRYSTAL24K]

Prayer, a strong drink and ridiculous amounts of time cooking.

I feel your pain. I went through a similar scenario last Christmas when this person came to our home and then recently this past September. I did not have a plan and it was excruciating. I have been following this thread and I now have a plan for the next visit (see my first sentence listed above).

All the best. Please follow up with what strategy you choose and how it works out for you.

 

[arkieb1]

I've been in the same situation and I've tried to take the person along on things during my day, tried the whole going out of my way to be a good host in the past and they have ended up whining and moaning afterwards about this so now if I am stuck again I go out, I leave them to my husband to entertain and then like the others suggest either cook or go out somewhere nice for dinner have a great time yourself and if the other lady isn't haven't a good time it's on them not on you.

 

[momhappy]

Momhappy I feel your pain. I can not imagine having to host someone I do not like for 5 whole days. Can I ask what she does or has done to get you riled up? Does she feel the same way or is she just oblivious to her situation? I think Monarch64's advice is spot on. Can she do anything such as holiday baking, sewing, or craftmaking? Can she write a family history in the peace and quiet of her own room? Can she do some chores that you have put off that she may enjoy such as mending, polishing silver or volunteering at a shelter or senior center? The key is to find her some busywork to keep her occupied. Good luck.

Sorry, but I don't feel comfortable sharing the whole family drama. She has done some things - many family members have cut her off entirely. I think I have an idea why my DH continues his relationship with her (partly out of some sort of obligation that he feels).
I'm saying positive and focusing on the fact that at least my children are enjoying their time with her. We are going to breakfast this morning and we have a photographer coming to the house this afternoon to take our Christmas card pictures, so that should burn a few hours (getting kids & myself ready, plus picture-taking time)

 

[RandG]

Momhappy - I can't believe you felt a bit guilty about asking your husband to give up his weekend golf outings. In the same situation, I would not only insist on this, I'd make plans to be out of the house doing whatever while hubby entertained this guest from HIS side of the family! And five days is an awfully long visit. Being with people I enjoy spending time with can get tiresome after a few days. Would it be totally bitchy to hang a framed cross-stitch of that Ben Franklin quote: "Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days."

RandG - can I come visit you? I promise to be insufferable - and hungry!

If you promise to say really inappropriate and shocking things, yes, totally! That you can eat is a bonus! I totally relate to Momhappy in this situation and I've had years of practice now navigating the woes that can be "family". Nothing neutralizes a Debbie downer like a pot of never ending ragout and individual six cheese lasagna(s) drowning in white truffle béchamel sauce! I spend hours on every single little component, nursing French wine, just dragging it out... works like a charm! I hope my SIL isn't reading this....

 

[packrat]

I'm sorry you're having to deal w/this. Makes me glad we're antisocial. Well...not antisocial I guess, just..my family mostly lives here, so if we need to entertain someone we have issues w/which is only one person, it's for a lunch or supper a few times a year, not for days. We've decided over the years we're not doing toxic. I can play nicey nice and feel like a fakey fake on the inside, but I don't want to do it often. His family, his mom hates me and failed in her attempts to break up our marriage, and the rest of them are super religious so we just don't mix, and they all live out of town. If they *did* come for days, he would totally have to jump in and take care of things, make plans to keep them occupied and such.

I hope the days go by very fast for you.

 

[Jambalaya]

I just had two elderly relatives to stay for two months in my 2-bed, 1 bath apt, so I'll swap ya!

Seriously though, I feel for you about the sense of dread. That is very familiar to me. Now the family is elderly and I am their official caregiver so it's a little different, but when they were younger and healthier they would come for weeks and cling to me. The sense of dread would start about 3 weeks before their visit! It's very heavy, that "my space will soon be invaded" feeling. Like a sense of impending doom!

Personally, I don't like staying in others' houses. I find it uncomfortable. If you can't sleep, you can't prowl around at night and read or make a hot drink like you would at home, and you don't have all the things you need day-to-day. It's like camping.

The cliche of unwanted houseguests is so well-known, and so many people dread having others to stay, that it's amazing how many people continue to BE unwanted houseguests.

I never want to be an unwanted houseguest. I'd much rather stay in a nearby bed and breakfast place.

 

[missy]

I just had two elderly relatives to stay for two months in my 2-bed, 1 bath apt, so I'll swap ya!

Seriously though, I feel for you about the sense of dread. That is very familiar to me. Now the family is elderly and I am their official caregiver so it's a little different, but when they were younger and healthier they would come for weeks and cling to me. The sense of dread would start about 3 weeks before their visit! It's very heavy, that "my space will soon be invaded" feeling. Like a sense of impending doom!

Personally, I don't like staying in others' houses. I find it uncomfortable. If you can't sleep, you can't prowl around at night and read or make a hot drink like you would at home, and you don't have all the things you need day-to-day. It's like camping.

The cliche of unwanted houseguests is so well-known, and so many people dread having others to stay, that it's amazing how many people continue to BE unwanted houseguests.

I never want to be an unwanted houseguest. I'd much rather stay in a nearby bed and breakfast place.

I agree completely. But I will go one step further. I loathe being forced to stay at other's homes even if I am a wanted houseguest.

I remember when my dh and I had no choice but to stay with his brother and SIL in Florida (when they used to live there) in 2000. Yes, I remember the year haha it was that bad. Anyway, I really dislike being someone's guest in their home. My dh said it would be insulting to them if we stayed in a hotel and they insisted so OK we stayed (3 nights that was all but it was enough). Well, after the trip my dh agreed that hotel it is next time.

It is worse (IMO) to be someone's guest than to host guests. Would much rather be in my own home than someone else's.