Should I stop saying, "Hello." to women I encounter?

[kenny]

I'm really at a loss.
That harassment video got me thinking.

I have never been a man who cat calls or 'harasses' women ... hoping for an opportunity to 'get to know them better, wink wink, nudge nudge '.
But I DO politely say hello to anyone I encounter when going for a walk ... unless they are zoned out in their iPhone/iPad/iPod.

But the polarized reaction to that video has me wondering ... perhaps ANY casual greeting from a man to a woman during a walk is increasingly not welcome.

So, my question for the women here ...
Should I stop using my judgement for when it's okay to say a polite, "Good Morning." to a woman?
Should I just not even make eye-contact with all women I walk near?

Would YOU prefer to be completely ignored by strange men you pass when walking outside?

Sincere questions.

 

[zoebartlett]

Honestly, I don't care either way. If someone greets me as we're walking by each other, that's fine, but I wouldn't think anything of it if that didn't happen.

 

[Calliecake]

Kenny, Many, many years ago my friends used to joke that if there was a psyco in a thirty mile radius they would some how find me. I think I'm a very cautious person and even I find nothing wrong with a man saying hello or good morning. I cant't imagine you ever acting like the men in the video. I'm interested to hear other women's opinion's. You know how people vary!

 

[liaerfbv]

I prefer to be ignored. However, I don't think you should stop saying hello or making eye contact.

John Mulaney has a great bit in his stand up routine about accidentally following a woman walking to the subway:

http://www.cc.com/video-clips/uykiqr/comedy-central-presents-subway-station-chase

 

[kenny]

I prefer to be ignored. However, I don't think you should stop saying hello or making eye contact.

John Mulaney has a great bit in his stand up routine about accidentally following a woman walking to the subway:

http://www.cc.com/video-clips/uykiqr/comedy-central-presents-subway-station-chase

Great video.

 

[maccers]

No, you shouldn't stop. And I say this as a woman who was catcalled by construction workers every day this summer walking 10 minutes from my car to work.

A hello is a nice, non-threatening gesture. It probably should be done more often. By everyone.

I also walk past homeless/transient persons every day (on the same street as the catcallers) and when eye-contact is made, they either acknowledge me or I acknowledge them with a hello/good morning. Again, this is not threatening. It's about acknowledging another human being.

ETA: Ohhhh, my 800th post!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think how something is said (including non-verbals) is more important than what is said. For the most part I prefer to be ignored. I am an introvert. However, if eye contact is made I think hello or a smile is polite. Do not walk next to be for five minutes like that one guy in the video. That would be very uncomfortable. I think most people can "read" the situation and act appropriately.

 

[Calliecake]

Congratulations Maccers!

 

[missy]

No, a genuine hello is always welcome. You can tell a nice hello from a menacing or not so nice hello IMO so keep on being friendly and warm because people will appreciate it and can tell the difference between your hello and someone's harassing hello. The world would be a nicer place if people were more welcoming and caring.

 

[kenny]

No, a genuine hello is always welcome. You can tell a nice hello from a menacing or not so nice hello IMO so keep on being friendly and warm because people will appreciate it and can tell the difference between your hello and someone's harassing hello. The world would be a nicer place if people were more welcoming and caring.

Thank you.
This agrees with my gut feeling.

I do worry that that the video may have a downside.
It may result in some getting men and women getting away from your (what I'm going to call) common sense wisdom and become even more adversarial.
I have even heard this woman, who is an actress, has gotten rape threats.

 

[maccers]

No, a genuine hello is always welcome. You can tell a nice hello from a menacing or not so nice hello IMO so keep on being friendly and warm because people will appreciate it and can tell the difference between your hello and someone's harassing hello. The world would be a nicer place if people were more welcoming and caring.

Thank you.
This agrees with my gut feeling.

I do worry that that the video may have a downside.
It may result in some getting men and women getting away from your (what I'm going to call) common sense wisdom and become even more adversarial.
I have even heard this woman, who is an actress, has gotten rape threats.

What's the synopsis of the video? I can't access it bc I live in Canada.

 

[Calliecake]

The video really is unnerving Maccers. It's shows a woman, probably in her mid to late twenties just walking down a city street. She is dressed in a black tee shirt and black yoga pants. A man is walking in front of her with a video camera in his back pack and the video shows everyone the woman comes in contact with. She encounters more than a fair share of cat calls and one creeping looking man starts walking beside her for close to 5 minutes. The woman continues to keep walking thru the video and you basically see what women go thru on a daily basis. As a woman, I found the man walking next to her to be the most disturbing.

 

[Calliecake]

Kenny, I don't think the video will change much to be perfectly honest. iMO I think a kind person saying hello in a friendly non threatening manner is something the world needs more of. This may sound silly but you never know what another person is going through in their life. Sometimes another persons small act of kindness can make a difference in ones life. Please don't stop being the person you are Kenny.

 

[Niel]

For me I find it odd and off putting when I just walk by someone and they say hello. A nod and smile seems sufficient to say "we made eye contact and I'm being friendly"


Eta: I'm not the most social. The issue isn't gender, necessarily

 

[JulieN]

Don't you live in LA, kenny? My behavior when I'm visiting LA is not the same as when I'm walking my dog in an OC suburb.

I understand that the willingness to make eye contact is a sign of availability, though not necessarily interest.

 

[kenny]

Don't you live in LA, kenny? My behavior when I'm visiting LA is not the same as when I'm walking my dog in an OC suburb.

I understand that the willingness to make eye contact is a sign of availability, though not necessarily interest.

I don't like to say exactly where we live, but Southern California it is.
And yes neighborhoods always have and always will vary in comfort level and safety.

I'm just wondering if this viral video is about a change in the wind.

 

[dk168]

Hmmm, tough one.

When I was living in London, peeps seldom made eye contact while I walked on the streets or travelled on public transport.

However, when I moved away from the big city and relocated to a town in the countryside, I found peeps a lot friendlier.

Nowadays when I meet someone on the street while walking the dog, I would try to engage eye contact and a smile, and say good morning/afternoon/whatever. Most peeps would smile and say hi and bye back.

I'd say there is nothing wrong in exchanging pleasantries with a stranger and be friendly myself.

DK

 

[Circe]

Re: Should I stop saying, "Hello." to women I encounter?

I was just talking about this on FB with a gentleman who thought the video was bull, an over-reaction by women, likely to discourage common civility, etc. He gave a couple of examples of interactions he'd had with local ladies exchanging pleasantries, wondering if those would be considered harassment in this crazy PC environment.

Nope, nope, nope. And I say that as a hardcore 2nd wave feminist who's had way more than her share of street unpleasantness: watching that video gave me flashbacks to being a 14 year old with a summer job in a sketchy neighborhood.

Saying hello to a woman is totally fine. It's when you say hello to her tits that it crosses the line. When you watch that video, you can see the men craning their necks to get a better view of her, er, assets, hear the leering intonation in even the innocuous-seeming comments. I don't think you're going *anywhere* into that territory.

 

[momhappy]

It's all in the delivery. A woman's creep-o-meter can go off a mile away, but a sincere "hello" (lacking any hint of creepiness) is fine and welcome in my book. I say hi to everyone, so I like that other people do it too.

 

[Dancing Fire]

I only say HI to hot looking women...

 

[kenny]

I only say HI to hot looking women...

DF, were you the guy who walked beside that woman in the video for several minutes?

Did you train this guy? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTFZyl7hfBw

 

[LaraOnline]

For me I find it odd and off putting when I just walk by someone and they say hello. A nod and smile seems sufficient to say "we made eye contact and I'm being friendly"


Eta: I'm not the most social. The issue isn't gender, necessarily

Often when I'm out and about I'm time-poor, with a million errands and the school pickup to do.
Having to physically push out 'hello' several times in a minute just adds to the chore load lol.

Suffice to say, I'm not a workplace hugger either.

But I've got the feeling I would enjoy a 'nod and smile' with you, Kenny!

 

[kenny]

But I've got the feeling I would enjoy a 'nod and smile' with you, Kenny!

 

[LaraOnline]

Eep! I feel creeped out now! LOL

 

[kenny]

Eep! I feel creeped out now! LOL

That's because behind my back I'm holding a pair of handcuffs.

 

[monarch64]

Greeting someone in a casual, polite manner is fine. Going out of your way to try to get the attention of someone comes across as rude and obnoxious. If you wouldn't say what you're thinking of saying to another man, then don't say it. If you think it would make your mother or grandmother or sister or aunt or daughter or niece feel weird, don't say it.

Women are capable of discerning what is or is not an appropriate salutation. The onus is on the approacher to behave appropriately, whether male, female, or any other being. Just be cordial and polite and if there's a question, refer to my first paragraph.

 

[movie zombie]

Greeting someone in a casual, polite manner is fine. Going out of your way to try to get the attention of someone comes across as rude and obnoxious. If you wouldn't say what you're thinking of saying to another man, then don't say it. If you think it would make your mother or grandmother or sister or aunt or daughter or niece feel weird, don't say it.

Women are capable of discerning what is or is not an appropriate salutation. The onus is on the approacher to behave appropriately, whether male, female, or any other being. Just be cordial and polite and if there's a question, refer to my first paragraph.

monarch nailed it.

 

[arkieb1]

I think it depends on when and where you say hello - so the situation. Saying hello in a friendly tone during the day when out is a nice thing to do. Saying hello in some situations like at night in a dark place to a woman on her own, in a lift to a woman on her own or in a carpark to a woman on her own might be seen as threatening or creepy.

 

[dk168]

Perhaps I look like the back end of a bus, or I give out some sort of "don't mess with me" kind of aura, however, I have not experienced any notable harassment that made me feel uncomfortable.

I was flashed by a drunken youth once. He was walking with a group of youths, almost certain to be new uni students on their way back from a fresher week party.

I took one look, and shouted back "I have seen better!" and walked on. They were rather surprised by the response.

DK

 

[Dee*Jay]

Kenny, I'm perfectly happy to have people say "hello" to me. But there are caveats (and here comes the thread jack):

"Hello" (literally the word HELLO) is *typically* a friendly greeting and I tend to receive it as such, unless there are other factors to take into account. If we vary from the word "hello" though and just go to a general greeting using other words of acknowledgement, then maybe not so much. I had a guy say to me not long ago, "How you doin' today?" That is NOT "hello." It is initiating an engagement, which I made very clear I DID NOT whish to have. The incident happened during the afternoon (still daylight) and on a street that has car traffic, but not a lot of foot traffic. The background info is just to show that the environment plays a large part in the scenario, and that is just one example, but FOR ME anything other than "hello" from may put me on guard and I am prepared to react in a much more aggressive manner than the other person expects. Not in a physical manner, but I will speak VERY loudly and clearly and make serious eye contact in a Do Not Fvck With Me sort of way. For instance: "I. Am. Good." (Level voice, no raising of the voice at the end of the words.) Eye contact. Move on.

I think part of it is I am a small person and that makes me hyper aware of my surroundings because I can see that someone might mistake me as a person who would be easy to approach or subdue so I do my best to make sure they do not have that impression, even going so far as to make eye contact and give a greeting first when there is someone that makes me uncomfortable. It catches them off guard.

Another things is about confidence. I've read a number of times that the greatest deterrent to a would be harasser is to move with confidence. I see women (and forgive me for generalizing here, I'm sure this applies to men to, but I happen to notice it in women) who clutch their purses tight to their bodies, walk head down, and with a stiff gait. My guess is if someone is out looking for a victim (and I use "victim" in a general sense; someone to verbally harass, someone to mug, someone to attempt physical contact with) they are going for the person who is not moving with confidence before they are going to approach someone who is striding right along. The exceptions of course are the aggressors who can read the cues or body language, or who don't care about the fight that a confident person vs. a non-confident person might put up. In those cases all bets are off on what might happen.

So Kenny, back to your question (as I have seriously digressed because this is something that I've thought about and feel strongly about), I think it's absolutely fine to assess the situation and say "hello" to someone in a way that it is obvious to them that no harm is about to come. But just be careful, knowing how very sensitive some people can be, and don't do it in an scenario that might cause the other person apprehension. (And when I say "sensitive" I don't mean in any OVERLY sensitive way, I just mean sensitive to the things that women are aware *can* happen.)

Whew -- I bet you're sorry when I post a reply to one of your threads! That's what you get for asking good questions!