shape
carat
color
clarity

A year ago, I found out I was pregnant.

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
I had suffered an early miscarriage immediately beforehand, and I had posted about it on the early pregnancy loss thread in this same forum.

When I once again saw those two bright pink lines on the pregnancy test, I was bonded to this baby. I was petrified of losing her because of what had happened just a month earlier, and I struggled with feeling excited and hopeful and terrified and pessimistic all at the same time.

The weeks passed slowly and we had several scares along the way- lower than normal fetal heart rate, a couple trips to the ER because I was bleeding and convinced that I was losing the pregnancy- but she continued to grow inside of me. I learned at around 11 weeks that we were having a girl- I vividly remember whooping in response to my OB's news; I had so wanted a little sister for my son and felt incredibly lucky and joyful that we were being gifted with a daughter.

On December 26, my life fell apart. I had my anatomy scan at 18 weeks (a little early because we had hoped to gift ourselves with the news of a healthy baby girl at Christmas time) and we knew immediately that something was wrong. The scan showed a large collection of fluid in the middle of her brain. We were sent to see a perinatologist the next day who confirmed our worst fears- our daughter wasn't healthy. She was missing many structures in her brain, and she had multiple abnormalities in her heart. This wasn't even a 'let's wait and see how this goes' sort of thing- mercifully our question of whether she could be alright were answered with certainty: we could sustain her life, assuming we would consent to open heart surgery before she turned 6 months old and accept the risk that she wouldn't wake from that surgery because of her other problems, but we should also prepare for the likelihood that she wouldn't walk, talk, or see. So many dreams were shattered in that one statement.

At 19 weeks, I had to say goodbye. I underwent an abortion on January 2 of this year. I felt her kicking me on the night before the procedure and I felt such fear for what she might feel- how do 19 week gestation babies register pain? How do they register pain if they are missing big chunks of their brain? I begged my friends and family to pray that she wouldn't feel any pain, if they believed in prayer. I begged them to think good thoughts for her if they didn't.

When I woke from the anesthesia, I felt light. I felt the elation of knowing that she was free of pain or potential suffering. I foolishly expected this lightness to be what remained with me from that point onward.

That same night, my grief crashed over me like a tidal wave. The sense of loss I have experienced has often been unbearable, dragging me away from even my living child at times.

Thank you for letting me share.
 

VRBeauty

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 2, 2006
Messages
11,209
Ksmom - your story brought tears to my eyes. I'm very sorry for you, your husband, and the daughter that you were so eager to hold. Please accept my condolences. I'll pray that the feeling of lightness you initially experienced returns to you... the feeling that was centered on your daughter's release from pain rather than the grief of your loss.

(Please don't think that prayer is in any way a condemnation of your feelings because it truly is not. I struggle with the same dichotomy as I grieve my mother's death.)
 

SMC

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2012
Messages
2,035
ksmom, so sorry for your loss. I've never been in your situation so I can't even begin to fathom what you feel. I believe that you absolutely made the best decision for you, your family, and your daughter. I hope that time can ameliorate some of the pain you feel.
 

Asscherhalo_lover

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 16, 2007
Messages
5,703
Ksmom I'm brimming with tears for you. Just know that this is always a place that you can come to feel some release of emotional pain and burden. There is love and empathy for you here anytime.
 

Laila619

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 28, 2008
Messages
11,676
Ksmom, wow, that is just gut-wrenching. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby daughter. Huge hugs.
 

NewEnglandLady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2007
Messages
6,299
I've clicked on this thread three times and started to write a response, but simply can't put together words that express just how sorry I am for you. I am simply heartbroken for you and am so very sorry that you had to go through that. You are incredibly strong.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
MINIMS said:
Ksmom - your story brought tears to my eyes. I'm very sorry for you, your husband, and the daughter that you were so eager to hold. Please accept my condolences. I'll pray that the feeling of lightness you initially experienced returns to you... the feeling that was centered on your daughter's release from pain rather than the grief of your loss. (Please don't think that prayer is in any way a condemnation of your feelings because it truly is not. I struggle with the same dichotomy as I grieve my mother's death.)

Thank you so much for your kind and caring words, and I am sorry for your loss also. I don't take any offense to your use of the word 'prayer'- while I don't consider myself to belong to any particular faith, I think my constant thoughts about my daughter and my pleas to no one in particular probably could be seen as prayer of some sort also.

Thank you also for the reminder- the grief I am dealing with now is something I couldn't indulge in had I not taken care of her. I did release her from pain and should be grateful that I was able to help her.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
SMC said:
ksmom, so sorry for your loss. I've never been in your situation so I can't even begin to fathom what you feel. I believe that you absolutely made the best decision for you, your family, and your daughter. I hope that time can ameliorate some of the pain you feel.

Thank you very much for saying so. I also know that I did the best thing for her and our family- my son also has special needs (though nowhere near as complex as she would have been) and I know his childhood would have been completely sacrificed for the sake of caring for his sister. There are times when I resent him for making the decision to terminate easier.

I also hope that the passage of time will make the pain more tolerable. Thank you for your thoughts.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
Asscherhalo_lover said:
Ksmom I'm brimming with tears for you. Just know that this is always a place that you can come to feel some release of emotional pain and burden. There is love and empathy for you here anytime.

Thank you for the reminder. I have been hesitant to share my story with others because I know my choice and the topic is extremely controversial- ironically it was my pro-choice loved ones who insulted me the most by suggesting my daughter wasn't a life because she wasn't yet born. She only knew my womb, but my decision to end her life was based entirely on what her life would have been like outside of me.

I am grateful that there is a place where I am met with understanding and support.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
Laila619 said:
Ksmom, wow, that is just gut-wrenching. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby daughter. Huge hugs.

Thank you Laila.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
NewEnglandLady said:
I've clicked on this thread three times and started to write a response, but simply can't put together words that express just how sorry I am for you. I am simply heartbroken for you and am so very sorry that you had to go through that. You are incredibly strong.

Thank you for coming back, I really appreciate your support. I've heard that before- that I'm strong- but it's just not true. I have a friend who used to say 'what doesn't kill you doesn't necessarily make you stronger; it just didn't kill you' and I couldn't agree with her more. I have been on an antidepressant and I'm seeing a counselor but my despair is a bottomless pit. We have been trying unsuccessfully to conceive again (the thought of my uterus being a killing field is often too much to bear and my body wants another pregnancy so much) and every period I have is an echo of waking up in the recovery room covered in her and my blood. I'm not strong; it just didn't kill me.
 

canuk-gal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 19, 2004
Messages
25,644
KSM:

The vastness of the Internet has become smaller with your story and challenges; and in short, my heart breaks. Please know, if IRL I could hold your hand, I truly would. Healing vibes your way.

kind regards, Sharon
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
canuk-gal said:
KSM: The vastness of the Internet has become smaller with your story and challenges; and in short, my heart breaks. Please know, if IRL I could hold your hand, I truly would. Healing vibes your way. kind regards, Sharon

Thank you for your heartfelt sympathy, Sharon. I turned to pricescope this morning because my husband, as much as he loves me, will never understand the connection a mother has with the baby inside her, the loss of which I am mourning so deeply. I know you do, and I so appreciate your sentiments.
 

lliang_chi

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 13, 2008
Messages
3,740
KSMom, Prayers to you. My story this year has been very similar, almost to a T: D&C (at 6wks) in March and termination (at 13+ wks) in August for different abnormalities but same result. It's makes me question what kind of cruel universe/high power can do something like that.
Like you, I have found a lot of strength in my husband, but I 100% know what you mean by there's something that a mother goes through that he can't relate to, as much as he tries to be empathetic. I pray that you can find peace soon. And don't feel like there's something to be ashamed of for taking any medication or for not "moving on." You're grieving and grief is expressed/processed completely differently by everyone.
I found talking about it helped me. I've opened up to a select friends and here.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
lliang_chi said:
KSMom, Prayers to you. My story this year has been very similar, almost to a T: D&C (at 6wks) in March and termination (at 13+ wks) in August for different abnormalities but same result. It's makes me question what kind of cruel universe/high power can do something like that. Like you, I have found a lot of strength in my husband, but I 100% know what you mean by there's something that a mother goes through that he can't relate to, as much as he tries to be empathetic. I pray that you can find peace soon. And don't feel like there's something to be ashamed of for taking any medication or for not "moving on." You're grieving and grief is expressed/processed completely differently by everyone. I found talking about it helped me. I've opened up to a select friends and here.

Iliang, I am so deeply sorry that you know exactly what I'm going through. Thank you for your validation of my experience... Actually that is something that I believe my daughter gifted to me also, the indifference/hostility toward anyone who questions my choice as my daughter's mother or my grief process as a woman who has lost her baby. For once, I don't give a sh*t what anyone thinks about me or my choice to turn down invitations to attend get togethers or weddings (just can't be around pregnant friends or family right now. One day, perhaps, but not yet.)

Big hugs to you.
 

Dandi

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2006
Messages
6,652
Oh ksmom, I just wish I could put into words how deeply sad I am for you. My eyes are welling with tears just at the thought of how deeply you love your little girl, and what you put yourself though to know that she would never suffer. Just as a side note which I'd say you would know, but it's incredibly unlikely she would have suffered distress or pain, given the extent of her condition. I am so in awe of your strength and selflessness...we all say we would do absolutely anything for our children, and so many mums aren't put to the test to the point that you were. You're just amazing. I can't even begin to understand your grief, but as a mum I understand your sacrifice or the sake of your child.

Sorry, I'm rambling, I just wish I could articulate my deep sorrow, but great admiration for you. Much, much love and a million hugs.
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
53,978
Dear ksmom, I am so sorry for your tragic loss. I cannot imagine the horror you are going through and my heart breaks for you. I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you gentle (((hugs))) and love.
 

dani13

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2004
Messages
6,183
Oh ksmom, I'm so so sorry for your loss. Wishing you strength, love, healing, and peace!
 

JGator

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 27, 2010
Messages
1,422
KSMom, I am so sorry for your loss. I had a MC 3 years ago at 10 weeks due to Trisomy 9 which has a very low survival rate and very severe brain/organ abnormalities if survival to birth does happen. I count my blessings that I was fortunate enough that my baby boy did not survive longer and put me in the position that you were in. And, that is my greatest fear with any pregnancy as I am of advanced maternal age. My heart aches for you, and I really hope that you are able to conceive and deliver a healthy baby again to help alleviate some of the pain in your heart left behind by your baby girl.
 

Trekkie

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 21, 2010
Messages
1,331
I am so sorry for your loss.

I had a loss last year and to be quite honest, I'm still not really over it. I don't know if I ever will be. In day to day living I just feel like a part of me is missing and don't know if I'll ever feel differently. I'm pregnant again and I am struggling to engage with the pregnancy. I want to feel happy and excited but keep thinking "what if". Just like with the previous pregnancy, I don't have any symptoms and it worries me.

Many PSers have had losses and have gone on to have healthy children so I know that there is hope. If we're positive, maybe we'll find that hope too.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
DanDiAnDi said:
Oh ksmom, I just wish I could put into words how deeply sad I am for you. My eyes are welling with tears just at the thought of how deeply you love your little girl, and what you put yourself though to know that she would never suffer. Just as a side note which I'd say you would know, but it's incredibly unlikely she would have suffered distress or pain, given the extent of her condition. I am so in awe of your strength and selflessness...we all say we would do absolutely anything for our children, and so many mums aren't put to the test to the point that you were. You're just amazing. I can't even begin to understand your grief, but as a mum I understand your sacrifice or the sake of your child. Sorry, I'm rambling, I just wish I could articulate my deep sorrow, but great admiration for you. Much, much love and a million hugs.

DandiAndi thank you so much for your kind words, every one of them. I have really hung onto every drop of support that I have received in this thread and am at a loss to describe my own gratitude to feel such authentic connections to women I've never met in person.

Thank you for your reassurance as to her feeling pain... How I wish they could have anesthetized her as they did me prior to the procedure. In my darker moments, I wonder what her level of awareness was as she endured the abortion. I had been feeling her little kicks for a few weeks by then, and it's difficult not to apply intention and awareness to those movements.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
missy said:
Dear ksmom, I am so sorry for your tragic loss. I cannot imagine the horror you are going through and my heart breaks for you. I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you gentle (((hugs))) and love.

Thank you dear missy for your compassion and sympathy. I sincerely appreciate your thoughts and prayers for us.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
dani13 said:
Oh ksmom, I'm so so sorry for your loss. Wishing you strength, love, healing, and peace!

Thank you Dani, from the bottom of my heart, for your sympathy and heartfelt wishes.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
JGator said:
KSMom, I am so sorry for your loss. I had a MC 3 years ago at 10 weeks due to Trisomy 9 which has a very low survival rate and very severe brain/organ abnormalities if survival to birth does happen. I count my blessings that I was fortunate enough that my baby boy did not survive longer and put me in the position that you were in. And, that is my greatest fear with any pregnancy as I am of advanced maternal age. My heart aches for you, and I really hope that you are able to conceive and deliver a healthy baby again to help alleviate some of the pain in your heart left behind by your baby girl.

JGator I am so sorry for your loss, and I understand and share your fear as I too am of advanced maternal age.

Coincidentally, we learned after the abortion that our daughter also had Trisomy 9, except she had what is known as mosaicism, with some normal cells and some not. Unfortunately, she was clearly affected by the trisomy in her vital organs. I had an amniocentesis done at the time of the abortion to hopefully diagnose her specific condition in case what she had may also be what my son has (he has global delay, speech delay and hypotonia of unknown etiology) but in milder form, and to get him the appropriate help if it was a rare metabolic condition or something else that is inheritable. I learned of her diagnosis a few weeks after the procedure and the report stated that the normal cells found in the study 'may be maternal in origin.' In my frantic grief, I wondered whether the normal cells were hers and the abnormal ones my own.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
Trekkie said:
I am so sorry for your loss. I had a loss last year and to be quite honest, I'm still not really over it. I don't know if I ever will be. In day to day living I just feel like a part of me is missing and don't know if I'll ever feel differently. I'm pregnant again and I am struggling to engage with the pregnancy. I want to feel happy and excited but keep thinking "what if". Just like with the previous pregnancy, I don't have any symptoms and it worries me. Many PSers have had losses and have gone on to have healthy children so I know that there is hope. If we're positive, maybe we'll find that hope too.

Trekkie, many congratulations on your pregnancy, and I understand your apprehension now. I remember wishing we could just cut from the positive pregnancy test right to the day that I deliver a healthy baby, so intense was that fear and anxiety during pregnancy.

I'm very sorry for your loss- I know that my life is forever changed from this, and because it's the only connection I have to her now, I'm not sure that I want it any other way.
 

Harpertoo

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 24, 2013
Messages
613
ksmom,
I'm so sorry for you loss.

I have a friend who lost her daughter at age 2, and one who lost a daughter at age 22, and what I've observed listening to my friends is that it's helpful to talk. My friends and I have tried to create emotional space to talk about the children that were lost - and it's not easy in a culture that is mostly uncomfortable talking about loss and grief.

I'm impressed with your ability to express your grief and I hope you feel emotionally supported.
My thoughts are with you.
 

Circe

Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
Apr 26, 2007
Messages
8,087
I am so very terribly sorry for your loss. I can feel how you struggled with your decision, and for whatever a stranger's opinion is worth, I think you did the right thing, to spare her the probability of great pain.

And also for what it's worth ... I lost a wanted child five years ago, at just about the same point in the pregnancy. And it completely broke me for a year or so: I don't know how much of it was a variation of postpartum hormones, and how much can be attributed to the uncertainty and self doubt that I felt as I tried to conceive again. I lost another two pregnancies that year, thankfully earlier on, and I didn't start to feel hope until that third one, ironically enough, when I had to face the fact that it hadn't been anything I'd done ... it was a medical issue, and one I'd have to figure out how to treat.

It turned out to be a blood clotting disorder. I went to one of the best fertility specialists in the city - any of you in NYC, I recommend Cristina Matera as highly as one possibly can - and she got me tested for everything under the sun, and six months later I was pregnant again. The pregnancy was absolutely terrifying: I felt like I couldn't trust my body at all, like I couldn't keep the baby safe until he was out in the open. Thank goodness, my team of very professional docs - from the fertility specialist to the blood specialist to the thyroid specialist to the high-risk pregnancy specialist to the high risk pregnancy psychiatrist - got me through it without my losing my mind. But I don't think I'll ever forget the nightmarish experience of giving birth to my dead child. And I think it's a cruel holdover that in our society, women are all too often expected to keep pregnancy losses a secret, or to brush them off like they're no big thing. It's repugnant.

I don't know if you're seeing anybody to talk, but I know for me, a) first talking about it here on the boards, then, b) realizing which of my friends were there for me, and, c), finding a trained professional to help work through all of the conflicting griefs and fears and rages probably saved my sanity. It sounds like you've been incredibly brave and incredibly strong throughout this ordeal. But I really hope that you can lean on whomever you need, from us on out, to achieve the healing you need.
 

Andelain

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 10, 2010
Messages
3,524
ksmom|1412020420|3758761 said:
Asscherhalo_lover said:
Ksmom I'm brimming with tears for you. Just know that this is always a place that you can come to feel some release of emotional pain and burden. There is love and empathy for you here anytime.

Thank you for the reminder. I have been hesitant to share my story with others because I know my choice and the topic is extremely controversial- ironically it was my pro-choice loved ones who insulted me the most by suggesting my daughter wasn't a life because she wasn't yet born. She only knew my womb, but my decision to end her life was based entirely on what her life would have been like outside of me.

I am grateful that there is a place where I am met with understanding and support.

Of course she was a life, she was you daughter. She was loved and wanted. I have no words that will ease your pain, but I'd give them to you if I had them.

What was her name?
 

tbaus

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 25, 2010
Messages
135
ksmom, I'm so sorry for your loss.I feel your pain so clearly, as I went through something very similar this year. My doctor recommended waiting until the very end of 19 weeks for my anatomy scan, in order to get more accurate pictures. Because of this, by the time we found out our son had severe hydrocephalus (at 19w6d) it was too late for an abortion and I had to wait another 2 weeks to be induced. It is still a time I cannot think about without falling apart. But like I said to my husband, I would rather deal with this pain for the rest of my life than see my child suffer.

Thank you for sharing your story. It is not something many people share and you help us who have been through something similar feel less alone. I hope you find that with time your wounds will heal.
 

ksmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2011
Messages
297
Harpertoo said:
ksmom, I'm so sorry for you loss. I have a friend who lost her daughter at age 2, and one who lost a daughter at age 22, and what I've observed listening to my friends is that it's helpful to talk. My friends and I have tried to create emotional space to talk about the children that were lost - and it's not easy in a culture that is mostly uncomfortable talking about loss and grief. I'm impressed with your ability to express your grief and I hope you feel emotionally supported. My thoughts are with you.

Thank you Harper, for your thoughtful words and also for having the fortitude to support your grieving friends. It is not easy to be in your shoes, as someone who cares for a grieving mother and wants desperately for her to feel better. You are so right that our culture doesn't seem to condone grief, and that makes it even more difficult for people in my position.

I am extremely grateful to have a few deeply empathic friends who are able to give me that space you give to your friends. I have many more well intentioned loved ones who want so much for me to feel better that they don't realize how they are insulting me: "let bygones be bygones," and "this is your chance for a do-over" are some examples of advice that have elicited bitter reactions from me, and I haven't always refrained from spitting out angry replies to them. To me, they belittle my daughter's existence as well as my sacrifice.
 
Be a part of the community Get 3 HCA Results
Top