How to best deal with frenemies?

[MMtwo]

It seems my ex-coworkers have graduated to frenemies. On my engagement post, once commented, "Congratulations, now stop posting and go enjoy your day".

Another recent one (my ex boss) commented on a post my fiance made, saying "Surely you don't mean that!" to which he gave her both barrels, "You are wrong, I meant every word of it and if you knew me, you would know that". My hero. She did not reply.
Still, I dislike the tittering and back biting.

I am sure we have some great social navigators here with good ideas. When I worked for this person, she would frequently attack. I did not defend as she was my boss and my personality with is very non confrontational. I should have...but now that I don't work for her (promotion with supporting company) she occasionally still comes around to kick the dog.

background: this is a person who hissed in my ear that if she were diabetic, she would not be type 2 like me in a hateful tone. She makes fun of large people (I am) and says they try to use their size to intimidate people. There were about 5 years of digs and passive aggressive attacks on occasion. At other times, she was wonderful. Enough about all of that, it just gives you some background. I am sure my happy engagement posts are driving them nuts. Heh, I dont even dare to post a ring pic except to family. It would be like throwing chicken to piranhas.

How do you deal with frenemies you can't quite confront (I can't for business reasons, I still have to call on her company). Should I just cut the frenemies from my "friends" on Facebook? I worry that will just fuel the fire. Maybe I should just let her have it (but then I have to work with her in the future). I have abuse in my background and it is hard for me to stand up for myself. I can with my fiance, because he listens and I am safe to tell my feelings to him. I consider it a wonderful thing that we can fight We always respectfully talk things out.

Advice, thoughts? Thanks in advance.

 

[ame]

Uh, block them on FB and cut them from your life. They're not your friends.

 

[Jennifer W]

I'm guessing that the answer has to depend partly on the context. I have a bit of a frenemy (I'm just discovering) who I have little choice but to spend a lot of time with at the moment. I don't trust this person and really don't feel comfortable with them near. But I'm stuck with it for a while anyway and there are a couple of things I can do. Firstly, I can make my own behaviour as good as it can be. I can't control another person, but I can control how I react, and my own actions and words. Even if this does all go wrong (it might) I will not have to reproach myself. Secondly, I have to try to let stuff go. It's easy to assume poor motives behind every little thing done by someone you don't care for. So, I have to try to go further on the benefit of the doubt side. It may or may not help, but at least I'll be putting myself in some sort of control, by choosing to interpret things benevolently, and giving a very low key reaction to things intended to unsettle me.

If it was a purely social situation though, I think I'd simply step away. Life is too short.

Oh, and enjoy your engagement. Such an exciting time for you, please don't let anything cloud it, even for a moment. Hugs.

 

[kenny]

Don't have them.

 

[Saoirse2]

Stay away from FB if you can't deal with silly comments or Block these two...easy.

 

[AprilBaby]

Block them and tell them you are not on FB anymore if they ask.

 

[Andelain]

If you can't block them completely, make a group called Frenemies. Put them in it, and be very selective about what posts of yours they can see. Then go through your FB settings and block your past posts from being seen by anyone but your friends.

 

[OoohShiny]

This is just one of the reasons I am not on facebook.

Am I right in thinking that you can 'hide' your profile from other people but not block them, so they don't know they are being hidden/blocked?

I think it might be an idea if you perhaps create a second profile for your true friends and then leave this current one for your work connections only.

 

[Sky56]

Yes, you can create a separate User group on FB and place people in it who you don't want to see your posts.

As for frenemies, work makes it so it sounds like you need to interact with them. My following advice pertains to frenemies outside of work. In my life, I've quietly booted these people to the curb by severing contact. The relationship begins as a friendship, and what happens is a year or several years go by, and I realized what seemed to be a rewarding relationship is really not or things have changed. I'm referring to platonic relationships.

Everybody makes faux pas in friendships, and those lapses are not what I am talking about. The signs are a pattern I detect with how the friend is speaking to me. One too many snarky, shaming or passive-aggressive comments, or too much unsolicited advice...I finally reach a point where the friendship is over. I hate confrontation, fighting and drama, so I just pull away with no explanation.

There is a friend I haven't contacted since March. We used to meet for lunch regularly. The last lunch she made several comments which made me feel uncomfortable. I had noticed a few comments similar to that in the past. That was it, no more...she's out.

Here's one of the exchanges during that lunch. I'll give her the fake name "Sue." We had many conversations in the past about business, financial planning, tax preparation, etc. My husband is about to retire. We are both in the same economic group and our husbands are in the same union. We know about each other's situation. She's honest and is basically a good person. I helped her with advice about estate planning when her mother was ill.

Sue: We went to a good meeting put on by the union last night about retirement planning. It was great and we learned a lot. They said you should have X amount of assets before you retire.

Me: Good to hear, we have that amount of assets.

Sue: (In a sharp, shaming voice like an annoyed mother) Sky, you don't need to tell me that!

Me: Well, you brought up the subject.

I felt like an idiot because I volunteered some info that maybe I shouldn't have and she pounced. Some other things on a different subject were to said to me in that same way during the lunch. I realized she was a frenemy and there would no more lunches with her after that. If people talk to me in that shaming tone of voice, they are quickly not my friend anymore.

 

[Bonfire]

I have 2 recommendations for you:
1. Get the he** off FB and interact will people that you trust and enjoy.
2. Don't waste your time worrying about what people say about you. As long as you are a kind person WTH cares what "they" say?
Don't give them that power over you.

See, this is the beauty of getting older

 

[Lulie]

Listen to Bonfire. Congratulations on your engagement!

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,


I interpret your first example as someone who wanted to show you she did care about you. To me, she meant , now go enjoy your celebration, and get off line. Maybe, her phrasing is off, but I see no harm meant.

The boss lady is different. It seems that's her personality. She's a put down person. I know several like that. Its funny. Remember folks who do that, do it to make themselves feel better. You probably do intimidate her by your size. Just stand when she sits. That will frighten her. You can't change these people. Just limit your exposure to them. Don't seek them out.


Sky--- Yours is another example I don't see your way. When you told this woman a number for your assets, it was she who was embarrassed and didn't want you to think she was in any way asking about your assets. It would have seemed very nervy of her.
Maybe her words weren't chosen with care, but I think I may have reacted the same way hoping that no-one would think I would ask about their assets. I also worry when people tell me about their salaries or finances, that they expect me to reciprocate and I won't. Perhaps it was too intimate for this woman to handle. Just a thought.

 

[Sky56]

Yes, I see your point and you could be right. I immediately wished I didn't say what I did, But one reason I did, is that we had talked about assets and finances a lot in the past. She went into great detail about her mother's assets and dealing with estate planning, so in this case I felt it was OK and normal to make that comment. But I was wrong - I think it did embarrass her. Normally I don't talk about those things with friends, but for years, we had talked about finance and business. So her reaction did baffle me a bit. Background - I am involved in business dealings and she is involved separately in similar things on a smaller level, and over the years has asked for lots of advice in the field, which I freely and happily gave.

 

[JanesJewels]

Unfortunately, frenemies happen. They seem to happen when you have something the other person perceives that they are lacking, or can't get, or if you seem to have more than them, or if you have something they want. If they were truly your friend, they'd be happy for you. I have hung onto frenemies for years and they don't change. Even with former friends that know all the bad things in my life as well as the good, once they morph unaccountably into a frenemy, in my experience they never turn back, no matter what. My mother's recent death was an excellent opportunity for a frenemy to demonstrate just how little she cares about me, because I have trusted her since we were 11, and I wasn't getting the message. I have now.

In a social situation, I would do as others suggest and fade out of her life completely, as I have done with frenemies. Life really is too short.

If she is connected with work, I would have as little to do with her as possible but be pleasant when you do meet, and ignore any sniping. She just wants a reaction out of you.

On Facebook, you can remain friends with her but put her in a list, as others have said, that cannot see any of your posts.

Unfortunately, frenemies are a sad fact of life. All you can do is expose yourself to them as little as possible and if they are around you, give them as little information as you can, and appear as breezy and happy as possible. Once she sees she can't get a rise out of you and she has no effect on your life, she'll probably get bored.

Good luck! xxx

 

[momhappy]

Maybe it's just me, but I don't see the harm in the examples you posted You've gotten some good advice here, but since you still need to call on her company from time to time, I would simply switch her to an acquaintance (and add her to a list of folks who won't receive your wall posts) on FB and just ignore any commentary.

 

[Sky56]

I think that is how you know a true friend - you feel comfortable around them, and they don't hit you with sharp words. Sure, I've seen friends do faux pas or say things which mildly offend me, but I never let on that I have feelings of annoyance. I think it's gracious to not air out every feeling you have. With a frenemy, you get the feelings that the friendship doesn't have a trueness about it; you get a sense of being needled.

 

[Sky56]

A couple of additional thoughts for the OP. If a friend makes fun of large people and you are large, they are a frenemy. That's mean, and is a sign of not a true friend. Same with people who make less then lovely comments about your engagement. If people are doing things on FB which are not fun for you, deFriending or Blocking is a good idea, or if you don't do that, quit interacting with them and put them in a separate User group as mentioned earlier.

 

[MMtwo]

Thanks so much for talking the time to respond. Thankfully the situation is time limited (a retirement is in the works for the ex-boss) so things will soon calm down.

ame, yes, you are right, they are not my friends. I do know that but still have monthly to weekly limited interaction with this person, I can't just unfriend them. Thanks for your thoughts.

Kenny, you wise butt, nope, I have not TRIED to cultivate them LOL (hugs)

JenniferW, I am sorry you are facing a similar issue at the moment. "It's easy to assume poor motives behind every little thing done by someone you don't care for. So, I have to try to go further on the benefit of the doubt side. It may or may not help, but at least I'll be putting myself in some sort of control, by choosing to interpret things benevolently, and giving a very low key reaction to things intended to unsettle me." This is wonderful and a different perspective. I hate victim mentality (me being a victim to a passive-aggressive person) and this helps to re-frame the situation. I appreciate the engagement well wishes, too. (hugs) I hope your situation changes for the better soon. I appreciate your input and thoughts.

Aprilbaby and SAOIRSE2 - Good idea, I changed permissions so they can't see anything I post. I will now post to a group called "friends except acquaintances".

Andelain - Great idea, This is probably the easiest answer and the one I will do. I have friends and loved ones far away, and leaving facebook would take me away from their daily lives too much.

 

[arkieb1]

If it is your personal f/b page not a work one then I don't really understand why you can't unfriend them, we do not need people in our lives that bring us down...... If it is a work page then I would write something really sarcastic and biting underneath the comments or alternatively get the wittiest or most sarcastic person you know one that does not know them to write something underneath their comments to you. It is obviously bugging you so why put up with it.

 

[movie zombie]

Listen to Bonfire. Congratulations on your engagement!

agree 1000%. and definitely enjoy your engagement!

 

[perry]

I would not say get off of Facebook - but stop being active on it and really edit your "friends" list to a select few.

I do exist an Facebook. I have only a few listed friends. I have never posted a single thing about me for others to see on Facebook. I will occasionally post on someone else's thread a comment (like once every few months). I probably sign in about once a month unless I get a specific message.

I am on Facebook so people can find me if they need to; and so I can find people I need to. I use the message service to interact with almost everyone.

There are even a few people from PS who have contacted me on Facebook. That does not mean they automatically become Facebook "Friends" (but a few are). I must have at least 100 "Friend Request" that I have not said "yes" too - they just linger; and that even includes extended family.

Its very useful for what I use it for. I don't have to worry about many of the privacy concerns that come up with Facebook from time to time because I do not use the features with the issues; Also, I don't have to worry about what bosses or coworkers say or comment on.

I once had someone tell me that to be part of their "group" I had to "Friend" them on Facebook. I said no - but I also showed them my Facebook and explained why it existed and how I used it. They dropped their requirement once they saw that I had never posted a thing or a single picture in my entire history.

Have a great day,

Perry

 

[Kaleigh]

First off big ongrrats on your engagemt... How fun!!!!


Girl get off FB. Or start a page that only your nearest and dealy can see



Congrats!!!!

 

[Calliecake]

Moneymeiser, I'm sorry you are having to go thru this. You've been given some excellent advice. It's such a happy time of your life. Try not to let her get to you.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

Drop them before they get a chance to do something truly horrible to you, because I guarantee that they eventually will. If you are forced to work with them, keep all your conversations strictly work related.