How do you cope with bereavement?

[momhappy]

My husband has coped surprisingly well with the loss of his father just over a year ago. It's been tough, but keeping busy and engaging in some "healthy" grieving (like crying every once in a while, sharing fond memories or his dad, etc.) has helped the process I think. The one thing that sets him back is when he has to talk on the phone to another family member who is not coping with the loss very well. This person is depressed, got fired from their job, and only seems to want to talk about the loss in every, single phone conversation. It doesn't seem like healthy grieving/coping to me and I wish that she would get professional help.

Momhappy, thanks so much for responding. I appreciate it.

Your relative that you mention above - perhaps your husband is the only person she can talk to who knew the deceased well, and a year isn't so long. Many people say the first year is the hardest, with all the "firsts" - holiday, anniversaries, etc. Give it time and perhaps she'll improve in the second year.

No, we are not the only ones she talks to about the loss. Other family members have noticed the same thing and it may sound harsh, but some of them have even stopped talking to her all together because they simply can't cope with the loss in that way. It's not just that she speaks about the loss all of the time (in depressing ways), it's that she also sort of badgers people about how painful it is, how we must need professional help, etc. It's really ironic considering that she is truly the one who needs some professional help, but won't get it which is sad
You're right, though, a year is not that long and I really do feel for her. I'm guessing that she will improve over time (as most people do), but the pain/loss will always be there in some ways. If nothing else, it's been a good reminder of how people handle loss/cope in different ways and I try to be sympathetic to that.

I'm sorry for all the loss that has been shared here - sending hugs to you all...

 

[marcy]

All of your stories are so touching and heartbreaking as well full of your strength and courage to carry on and live your life as our loved ones would have wanted us to do. Hugs to all of you.

JanesJewels, I am sorry you didn’t get to see your mom one more time but we just can’t ever know. You spent a lot of time with her over the last year in spite of being far away from each other. I know you’ll always treasure those precious moments together. I am glad she went on a wonderful trip this year, I like that she was enjoying doing things as long as she could. Those last weeks are so hard and yes the body gives off many signs it is ready to go. I am glad your last conversation was very normal. It still doesn’t make it any easier though does it?

Your dad’s farewell brought tears to my eyes and what a touching thing for him to do. I am crying with you and for myself as well. My folks were married 66 years and I know my dad felt the same way. How is your dad doing? My dad talked to other people about how he felt sometimes but didn’t confide in me other than if he’d had a bad night or rough day. I think he and I were trying to be strong for each other.

Your mom’s zircon ring is gorgeous. I know you’ll always treasure the special memories you have of it and your mom.

You are in my thoughts.
Marcy

 

[Kaleigh]

JJ,
Checking in. Saying goodbye, you think you didn't get that last chance. Many of us don't. So hard. But what I will say, was when my grandfather was dying. He wouldn't go unless I was gone... Had I been in the room he would have kept fighting.. I had to leave to sign legal papers, went to the city to sign. I told him I will be back soon. He said please don't be gone long.. On the way back my 3 most favorite songs came on the radio and I knew it was him passing. And those songs guided me to driving safely back while in total tears...

You were in constant contact with her, and your were her rock. She will always be in your heart. You will carry her with you too.

Hoping you are getting rest and know you are in our thoughts and prayers.

 

[JanesJewels]

All of your stories are so touching and heartbreaking as well full of your strength and courage to carry on and live your life as our loved ones would have wanted us to do. Hugs to all of you.

JanesJewels, I am sorry you didn’t get to see your mom one more time but we just can’t ever know. You spent a lot of time with her over the last year in spite of being far away from each other. I know you’ll always treasure those precious moments together. I am glad she went on a wonderful trip this year, I like that she was enjoying doing things as long as she could. Those last weeks are so hard and yes the body gives off many signs it is ready to go. I am glad your last conversation was very normal. It still doesn’t make it any easier though does it?

Your dad’s farewell brought tears to my eyes and what a touching thing for him to do. I am crying with you and for myself as well. My folks were married 66 years and I know my dad felt the same way. How is your dad doing? My dad talked to other people about how he felt sometimes but didn’t confide in me other than if he’d had a bad night or rough day. I think he and I were trying to be strong for each other.

Your mom’s zircon ring is gorgeous. I know you’ll always treasure the special memories you have of it and your mom.

You are in my thoughts.
Marcy

Thanks, Marcy. It's been a difficult week but I think work stress is responsible. I've got a huge deadline on a very worrying project, which is stopping me from seeing friends, etc. When you work all the time you feel worse.

Wow, your parents were married for 66 years....your dad must have been utterly lost when she passed away. I am so sorry for your loss and for his.

In terms of how I'm doing (thanks for asking!) it was 17 weeks ago yesterday that she died and I think it's sinking in that she's really gone. I had some good days last week but I was in tears four times yesterday, once harder than I've cried yet. I can't believe she didn't tell me to get there earlier, and she didn't leave a letter, or a message with my dad, and she wasn't that keen for me to come home when she started the chemo, and it's my 40th birthday soon...we could have picked out something together (I'm getting jewelry; there was a sale recently so I bought what I wanted with money Dad gave me) but Mom will never know what I got.

We had enough warning - 15 months - and yet it's as if she just walked out of the house one day without looking back. No goodbyes, nothing deep and meaningful was said, and not even a note. Such a fizzled-out anti-climax of an ending to such a lovely mother-daughter relationship. It's rather disconcerting.

Anyway, last night I just could not concentrate on my work, and I ended up internet shopping. I bought some lovely white handstitched bed linen with scalloped edges, and four beautiful white lace handkerchiefs from the same place. Then I bought some cashmere bed socks for the coming winter, and then a pair of 8-9mm freshadama white pearl studs from Pearl Paradise. It was all on sale apart from the socks.

I feel a bit guilty, and I considered canceling some of the orders, but I can afford them, so I think I won't cancel, even though I feel a bit bad about spending money.

 

[JanesJewels]

JJ,
Checking in. Saying goodbye, you think you didn't get that last chance. Many of us don't. So hard. But what I will say, was when my grandfather was dying. He wouldn't go unless I was gone... Had I been in the room he would have kept fighting.. I had to leave to sign legal papers, went to the city to sign. I told him I will be back soon. He said please don't be gone long.. On the way back my 3 most favorite songs came on the radio and I knew it was him passing. And those songs guided me to driving safely back while in total tears...

You were in constant contact with her, and your were her rock. She will always be in your heart. You will carry her with you too.

Hoping you are getting rest and know you are in our thoughts and prayers.

Thanks, Kaleigh. I have heard about people waiting until someone leaves the room to pass away. My mom didn't seem to want to see me at the end of her life, so maybe it's the same thing. I know she was very swollen toward the end and I have a picture of her taken three weeks before her death which shows her eyes having an odd, staring quality. (She was just about to start chemo and she'd had her hair done, and wanted my dad to take pictures because she thought she was going to lose her hair.) Perhaps she didn't want me to see her like that. I didn't see that photo until some time after she'd died and I came across it on the computer at my parents' house. If I had done, I would have known how sick she'd become.

My aunt also made a comment about her eyes looking dull about ten days before her death. And my aunt is a nurse so she knew what it all meant - the swelling (ascites), the eyes, etc. Wish she'd got on the phone to me and told me to get there asap. Sometimes it seems that no one cared enough to make sure I got there. It's very difficult to asses someone's condition from the opposite coast. Perhaps Mom didn't want me to see her sick, but it wasn't only about her - now I'm still here and I've got to come to terms with the fact that I never saw her again.

Oh well, I guess there's nothing to be done about it right now.

Thanks for everyone's support. xxxxxx

 

[marcy]

Hi JaneJewels, I had a hard time getting back in to work and concentrating but that got better recently for me. Sometimes a distraction is helpful, sometimes it’s not. I can actually finally concentrate enough to read a book again.

Thank you for thinking of me. My dad called my mom his sidekick all the time, he was completely lost without her and I know he didn’t sleep worth a darn, which probably didn’t do much for his health. He’d had a check up in about 6 weeks before his heart attack and that I know of he checked out okay.

I think those times when we cry - especially really good cries are just a necessary part of our dealing and coping with our loss. I have taken a few walks at work hoping not to run in to someone because I’m having a crying spell. Thank goodness for Puffs!

My mom and I didn’t have any final talks either and we were very close like you and your mom. I think it may be because neither one of us wanted to talk about it and also we were close enough there was anything else that needed to be said. Does that make any sense? Maybe your mom didn’t want you to see her that way or she thought she had more time, it is just hard to say. The last time my mom was conscious one of my sisters was there with her and she said my mom didn’t want her to leave and my sister said my mom seemed to know. She never came out of a coma after that and they moved her to hospice for her last few days. Since we can’t ever really know when it’s time for that final goodbye I guess it’s more rare than any of us would like.

That is nice to buy some jewelry for your birthday. What did you get? I used quite a chunk of my small inheritance for jewelry. I told myself my parents were a light in my life and now I’ll have something from them always shining back at me.

Don’t feel guilty about shopping. It’s a great form of therapy and I say as long as you can afford it – you deserve to buy yourself some nice things.

As Kaleigh says some people seem to hang on until a loved one shows up and some people hang on until some leaves. It is all so unique and mysterious how things turn out.

I hope you have a decent week. You are in my thoughts and hopefully we’ll both continue to find ways to cope and deal with our bad moments. I am sending you a big hug because sometimes we just need them.

Marcy

 

[HollyS]

Everyone copes differently.

The loss of any family member, but especially a parent, spouse or child . . . is devastating. You are still in the very beginning of your grief, and the loss is still brand new and raw. That will diminish over time; how long is a very individual thing.

I didn't read every post here, so I don't know if I'm repeating anyone or speaking without being fully informed: Do you have a faith in a particular religion? Seeking help from someone, apart from your family, with whom you can speak freely, may help a great deal. Or a professional therapist without religious affiliation can give you direction and copy mechanisms.

I'm very sorry that you are dealing with this. Having lost my own mother (she was 6, I know the depths of loss that you feel. If you won't mind, I will be praying for you. God bless.

Thank you so much for your message, Holly. I found it very supportive.

I had a weak faith before, but it has strengthened since all this happened.I suddenly saw how many times my mom's life had been endangered and how many times we were spared, until I was grown up, and how many side effects most people have from Mom's illness that she didn't have. That she spent her last day in the yard laughing with her friends, and that the day after she died, a grief counselor turned up at our house out of the blue. An old friend came round who didn't know she'd died, the day after, and brought a friend who just happened to be a bereavement counselor.

Let's just say that I started seeing the hand of God in my life where I hadn't noticed it before.

I'm glad you've recognized that He is with you in this.

 

[Begonia]

I don't know if this thought will help as far as not being able to say goodbye, but here's what I observed from Mom passing: dying is hard work. It took all of her physical, mental and spiritual strength to die. I think saying goodbye was beyond what she could endure. I imagine it is some kind of dissociation?

I don' t know if that helps at all.

 

[Sky56]

The Moment of Passing

My mother was slowly dying of cancer and was in a hospital. Luckily, she was in no pain, and didn't even request morphine until the final 4 days.

My father, husband and I spent countless days by her side. I really wanted to be there by her side when she passed away.

One day, a family member showed up. It was noon, and he said, "You should take a break and get some lunch." There were restaurants a 10 minute walk from the hospital. He said, "I'll be here with Mom, and if anything you need to know happens, I'll call you on your cell phone."

So we go out for a quick lunch, and when we come back, we have some tea in the hospital cafeteria.

It turned out that Mom died while we were having lunch. Somehow, the phone call didn't go through because of a glitch.

Initially, I was very disappointed, but then very quickly, I realized that Mom passed on at the perfect time. The family member was a person very close to my Mom, but he couldn't be with her all the time because he had work and family commitments 3000 miles away.

She died very peacefully while he was reading to her, though she was in a coma-like state, I think she could hear his soothing voice. Her entire life, she had loved to read.

Very quickly, I was grateful for how it happened with the two of them. It was alright I wasn't there. It was a hard lesson, but one full of grace.

 

[Okie_girl]

Jane, you've been on my mind. Just wondered how you are getting along.

 

[JanesJewels]

Thank you so much Marcy, Begonia, Holly, and Sky.

Okiegirl, thanks for checking in. That's very kind of you and I appreciate it. I was under a ton of work stress but actually quite enjoyed my project, and my dad was here for two weeks, so the last five weeks have been very busy. However, my dad went home and I'm in a dead period at work, so suddenly all the activity has dropped off a cliff. This week I've been quite a bit worse.

I think it's two things: I finally got to have a long chat with my mom's oncologist - I wasn't allowed near him when she was alive - and I found out some things. Then I had to tell it all to my sister, which was a three-hour phone call. I think hashing over things so much didn't help, although I got some burning questions answered and some mysteries solved during my conversation with her oncologist.

Second, I think that at 4.5 months, it is sinking in much more. The initial maelstrom of grief is gone and everyday life beckons, but the sadness is deeper and I'm learning in new ways that she isn't here any more. I hope this week is just a dip and I'll feel better soon. Compared to a couple of months ago, I feel less blindsided, but more down.

It is 19 weeks ago tonight (in the night) that we got that call. She had been so well all week, and was completely, totally normal on the phone just 17 hours before she died. I found some text messages I'd sent to my husband that week saying "Mom sounds great!" and "All is well!" etc etc. Talk about famous last words.

The oncologist told me that her initial tumor so many years ago in 2000 was not 2cm as she'd said, but 3.5cm, giving her only a 40-50% chance of surviving 15 years with her particular tumor characteristics. So the stage was always set this way, but we didn't know. I learned she died of liver failure from all the cancer in her liver. It's good to know what process took her so quickly.

I won't go into it here, but so, so many mistakes were made with her care, from the PCP who ignored her bone pain for four years, to the breast surgeon who defensively thought she was questioning his surgery when she complained to him also of her bone pain, to the current oncologist who refused to give her a scan in 14 months, so by the time he gave her chemo it was way, way too late because she was already in liver failure. My sister and I would sue their asses off but my dad won't do it.

And, she hadn't done her self-checks in a few months, way back when, and the only thing that could have changed the picture somewhat is if she'd found it earlier. (With her type of cancer, tumor size has a great effect on long-term survival rates.) But she was busy, life gets in the way, etc. She did have a clear mammogram a year earlier.

If only....If only....If only....

 

[marcy]

Hi JaneJewels. I hate to hear you are having a rough week. I am finding the up and down level of sadness must be a natural part of this too.

I am glad you got some of your questions answered but hate to hear you found some things that should have been handled differently.

You continue to be in my thoughts.

Marcy

 

[JanesJewels]

Thanks so much, Marcy. And how are you doing?

After a bad Mon-Fri, I have felt a lot better today. I managed to perk myself up and go shopping. I bought a couple of necklaces, and a silver cuff and gold earrings from Tiffany, and my husband bought a 2-carat diamond circle necklace that we've been eyeing for my fortieth in a local jeweler. I won't receive the diamond necklace till the fall, but perhaps I'll get round to posting the other things sometime before that.

It's odd how much better I've felt today than last week. There really seems to be no rhyme or reason to it, although this is probably my best day so far. Complete contrast to last week.

Let me know how you're doing?

 

[Kaleigh]

Glad you are feeling better!!!! It's a process for sure Yay for the necklace!!!!

 

[JanesJewels]

Thanks Kaleigh! It is amazing to feel my troubles lift for a day. I felt a lot better when I woke up this morning. Hope it lasts! On Sep 17th we are interring the ashes, and it will be the first time I see her name on a gravestone, so I'm not out of the woods yet. That's why I made the most of a much lighter day today!

I forgot to say: I bought the most lovely silver locket today. It's similar to some gorgeous silver designer lockets I saw in Bergdorf's, New York, but they were $895. This one is very similar, high quality with a satisfying snap closure and plastic that goes over the photos. It's quite large - a round disc on a long chain with engraving of a shield on the front, and it was just $110. I can't wait to put pictures of my parents in it. I'm going to go look now.

 

[marcy]

Hi JaneJewels. I am glad to hear you had a good day. I am doing good Thank you for asking. My husband was gone for 2 weeks and I really had a setback and I finally realized it was because I always spent more time with my parents when he was traveling for work. So even though I had a giant list of things to keep myself busy I didn’t do any of them because the thing I wanted to do most I couldn’t. I will work on that when he leaves again in a few weeks. I had a bridal shower to go to this afternoon near the cemetery so I went by there on the way home and it was easier this time than it’s been so far. It is all such an up and down process.

I am sure internment in September will be really hard for you and your family but when you are all together it helps because there are good memories to share.

I will be anxious to see your new jewelry. How exciting to shop at Tiffanys.

Take care.
Marcy

 

[missy]

Hi Jane, I am just checking in to see how you are doing and I am glad to read that you had a good day. Sending you more hugs and love.

 

[JanesJewels]

Hi Jane, I am just checking in to see how you are doing and I am glad to read that you had a good day. Sending you more hugs and love.

Thank you, Missy! Very kind of you to stop by xxx I am still feeling better today. Yay! Such a change from last week.

 

[JanesJewels]

Hi JaneJewels. I am glad to hear you had a good day. I am doing good Thank you for asking. My husband was gone for 2 weeks and I really had a setback and I finally realized it was because I always spent more time with my parents when he was traveling for work. So even though I had a giant list of things to keep myself busy I didn’t do any of them because the thing I wanted to do most I couldn’t. I will work on that when he leaves again in a few weeks. I had a bridal shower to go to this afternoon near the cemetery so I went by there on the way home and it was easier this time than it’s been so far. It is all such an up and down process.

I am sure internment in September will be really hard for you and your family but when you are all together it helps because there are good memories to share.

I will be anxious to see your new jewelry. How exciting to shop at Tiffanys.

Take care.
Marcy

Oh, Marcy, I am so sorry for your losses. Especially to lose both parents so close together. That is heart-breaking about feeling so lost because you couldn't do the things you normally do when your husband is away. I guess it will take years for those times to lessen.

You're right, the process is extremely up and down. Very much so.

I know it happens to absolutely everyone, and no one escapes it, and also that it's natural, but losing your parents is just unspeakably awful. So much of your life and your memories is tied up with them.

Well, I think I'll get outside and enjoy the day since we seem to be on the last gasp of summer.

My thoughts are with you xxxxx

 

[isaku5]

Luckily (in his case) my dad was the first to die of an abdominal aneurysm diagnosed by PCP as a kidney stone. He was 71 and had never had a health problem prior to this. He was at work in a very stressful part time job when he experienced a severe stabbing pain in his stomach area and fell to the floor. He refused to be taken to our hospital and said he'd be fine after a little rest. One of his co-workers drove him home as directed. The following day he was weak, and his skin colour was yellowish grey. I told him that he should listen to my mother and me and go to the hospital right away. If everything was okay, I told him that he would be brought back home. No worries. He refused yet again in a firm tone and I got his message: Leave me alone; I know what I'm doing. On the second day he passed away. Our PCP called me and stated that he was so sorry that my dad had passed. When I told my mom, she just sat there as if she was processing that info. I was quietly crying beside her. I asked whether she'd like me to stay overnight with her, but she declined and literally told me to go home. I did. The following day was a school day and I went to work (teaching) as usual. At 11:45, the head secretary came to my classroom and told me there was a call for me. I knew instantly that it was news of my father's death that morning. I was right.

DH and I went through the preparations for the funeral and went back to my mother's house. In the meantime, my Aunt Lorna and Uncle 'Mac had come up and were there for both my mom and me. I was crying quietly the whole time, but never got to the sobbing out loud part because I knew he loved me, but he couldn't show it. His last words to me had been, "I'm sorry that [DD] is causing you so much trouble" and my reply, " She's doing much better". (Not true).

My mother soldiered through the mourning period and then decided that I would be her next victim. For over 12 years, she played me like fiddle trying to make me feel guilty about my dad's death. Here was her reasoning: I had a BA and should therefore know everything about everything. This continued for too many years. One morning the staff at the retirement home called our home repeatedly to tell DH that my mother was asking for me. He refused to wake me as I had been notified in similar calls for years.

BUT,this was the real thing and my DDIL actually came to our house to inform me. I went into robot mode and tried to remember what I should be doing and just kept going until everything that I thoughtI should be doing was done.

What a crazy time that was! What a relief it was that she had died at 93! I had been told many times that she 'ruled my life' and that was finally over. Dare I smile again?

 

[JanesJewels]

I'm sorry about your dad, Isaku. And I'm sorry that you didn't have a better relationship with your mom.

I lurked for a long time and have read many threads, so I have an inkling about what is going on with you. How are you doing now? I hope you are OK.

 

[JanesJewels]

Link to a SMTB thread about my new silver locket with pictures of my mom inside, if anyone would like to see it:

[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/large-round-locket-commemorating-mom.205260/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/large-round-locket-commemorating-mom.205260/[/URL]

 

[isaku5]

I'm sorry about your dad, Isaku. And I'm sorry that you didn't have a better relationship with your mom.

I lurked for a long time and have read many threads, so I have an inkling about what is going on with you. How are you doing now? I hope you are OK.

Thanks, JanesJewels. The old saying, With age comes wisdom, applies to my Dad's 'love' for me. He never uttered a nasty word to me. He worked very hard so that I could have what I needed as I was growing up. I came across several of his letters to me when my mother and I were away 'visiting' my 'Aunt Isabel' in Maryland. She was my mother's best friend when they were growing up - being her honorary niece was a blessing since she had no children of her own as she was devoted to her first love - medicine. I have no idea how the tiny lady that she was, was accepted into the University of Toronto (male dominated as it was back then) to study medicine.

Anyway, when I read my Dad's letters to me, I couldn't help but cry. What I hadn't been told was that he suffered horribly from depression even before my birth. These letters are the kind that every girl would love from her dad. Finding and reading these as an adult, meant even more.

I think now that he kept his distance from me in case something terrible happened to me and he would be forced to go back to the horrible world of depression. This thought was re-enforced when I look back to a time when my kids were young and we did the 'road trip' vacation. His birthday was while we were away, but I always called him from 'wherever' to wish him a Happy Birthday. That was all well and good, but his only concern was when we were coming home.

We always visited my parents before we went to our own home in those days because we 'knew' that he wanted to be the first to see us 'in person'. He always greeted us with 'Thank God, you're home'.

 

[JanesJewels]

I know that some posters in this thread have also been through a recent bereavement of an immediate relative. Did you have a setback when you dealt with the ashes, if your loved one was cremated?

We interred hers on Sep 17 as I mentioned ealier, and it was so awful. It wasn't what I expected at all. I thought there'd be a hole three feet deep and that I'd see my grandparents' urns from 1990, and that she would be in a beautiful carved wooden box or a marble thing but it was a green cardboard shoebox. It looked like it to me, anyway.

And the whole thing was only about three inches below the surface, and after a few rains all will start to disintegrate - to me, the point of having a grave is to preserve your loved one's remains for all eternity, or at least for many years. It was important to me to know where her remains are and to be able to go there, but in that flimsy container and shallow hole they will just return to the soil really soon so we might as well have just had them scattered, and I never wanted her ashes scattered. I guess my grandparents remains are long gone too, and every time I went there over the last 24 years I imagined their remains in place and felt that I was visiting them, but when the hole was opened the other week they weren't there.

When I realized that in not so long, her remains will be gone too, my progress was put back all over again. Anyway, I got over it by telling myself that she is in a realy pretty place, and that not many people get to be in such a peaceful place. For about 24 hours after the burial I felt almost crazy - I considered getting those ashes up and bringing them home with me so they wouldn't just be dissolved. I came to my senses the next day, of course. It helped to think of it as her final resting place, if not the kind of grave I thought it would be, and she was a religious lady and is buried in consecrated ground. That's a comfort. I went to the grave quite a few times to talk to her, and I took her ring, and laid my hand on the soil knowing that for the moment, her remains are there just below the surface.

I tried to send out positive energy and not get upset, but seeing her name and dates on the stone was hard. I had a dream about the ashes, and the last time I went to the grave before coming home I cracked and told her how deeply unhappy I was and asked her what I should do, and that night I had a terrifying dream that my plane crashed, nose-diving toward some tall buildings. It's probably all the ISIS coverage I've read but I wondered if she was telling me not to get on the plane and for the first time in my life I was nervous about flying.

When I was with my dad I was sort of OK but I'm home alone now and I feel about the same as I did about two months in. Thank god I have a lock of her hair. Just something that tells me she was real. I am still strugling with how gone she is. We had tension on New Year's Eve and then I never saw her again, she went so quickly. Talking and talking away, making plans, and then silence. We never said goodbye, and I was so torn about viewing the body and I decided not to, and now I feel like she's just away somewhere. Like, Oh, it's so terrible that she's died but at least we can have dinner and catch up when she gets back.

And the house is soooooo quiet...used to be so noisy and now you can hear a pin drop. My dad is completely heartbroken and his situation is breaking my heart, too. He has lots of activities but it's not enough, he doesn't work, he's well into his seventies, and sometimes he doesn't hear another human voice all day, he says. I cooked him 24 meals to put in the freezer, I call him every day, I visit, I have him to stay, but I can't take his lonely situation away. All four grandparents lived to their late eighties/90, and I never thought my parents would end up with one gone and one healthy to carry on for years. When she was ill I didn't see this extra emotional burden coming. And now my dad will grow old alone and I have no idea how I will take care of him when he becomes old/ill.

Anyway, I did the get the diamond necklace that I posted about in the diamond forum for my 40th with the money she left me, and I just hate it. She'll never know what I got. It seems to be a symbol of everything that has gone so wrong. I've spent so long taking care of my parents that my career has really suffered and I've had no work since August. I want to smash that damn necklace up with a hammer, and I have a hammer. I won't do it as I can't afford to, but I keep hoping a nasty accident will happen to that necklace. I hate it. Under other circumstances I would love it.

Another thing I can't talk to anyone about because it's so embarrassing is how much I think about death and the circle of life - my eyes have been opened. The older generation are dying and I think, "Christ, it's our turn next. It's really going to happen." I look backward and everything is slightly different. I feel differently about my wedding day - all my family were there, four members of which have now died, and it just seems shrouded with much greater family meaning than I ever realized at the time. I just didn't appreciate what it all meant, that we were all together and that time was short, and I'd give anything to re-visit that day, even though it was a PITA at the time. Time seemed to go on forever back then. I feel acute nostalgia these days about so many things like that. My dad had silent cine film from our childhood put on DVD, and I can hardly bear to look at us all, the way we were.

I used to post on a cancer site but I stopped doing that. I don't know why. Perhaps I was trying to move on from cancer. Of course, it's killed my grandmother and my mother now, so I'm worried I'll get it too, what with turning 40 etc. Another worry,. They just seem to be endless. How to you stop them? It's like they've got a mind of their own. You deal with one and five more appear.

I have the book Grief for Dummies and it says that grieving someone close is "really scary stuff" which is true for me, so perhaps that's normal. The world just looks entirely different to me now, after losing my sweet, cuddly, kind-hearted, endlessly loving mother. We were close but not too close. It was perfect and I wish it wasn't gone.

Sorry for this post. I'm a hot mess, and I have absolutely no one to talk to. Or, no one who I can show to what a mess I am. I'm so embarrassed at how bad I feel, six months on. I feel like I should be almost over it, but the truth is I just wish my mom would come. I wish someone would phone me tonight. I'd be too embarrassed to talk though. I'm very embarrassed about my feelings so I feel I can't tell anyone.

I was doing better but the career crash and the burial together seem to have knocked me down. No need to reply; I'm so embarrassed. but it has helped to type this and sent it into the ether. This site has helped just by existing tonight.


Thanks for "listening."

 

[JaneSmith]

JJ, you are going through a normal grieving process. If a person hasn't experienced sadness and loss before, it can feel like you are losing your mind or will be forever mired in grief. Our western culture does not really prepare us for grief, and bereavement seems to be discouraged after a rather short time. A statute of limitations for the pain of loss. Do not accept a time limit for when you should be starting to feel better. Do not think you are abnormal for feeling broken hearted that your mum died.

Please, please go to a counsellor. Get one for your dad too. Human beings need to talk.

 

[VRBeauty]

Jane - I don't have time right now to your questions and my response the kind of time they deserve, but I do want to send you a virtual hug. All I can say about my "process" right now is that it comes and goes. Some days I'm afraid I'll forget my mother altogether, some days I'm angry about her having died at all, or having died so soon... the past few days I've been regretting the things I never asked, and the things she tried to pass on to me that I didn't have time/patience etc. to listen to. And I worry constantly about my dad, and how alone and isolated he is. And about how really bad his diet is now, since he refuses to cook for himself and survives largely on frozen entrees.

Are you near a major city by any chance? My brother and his wife have been participating in classes and so forth at a cancer club that's part of what used to be called Gilda's Club. My brother's there because of his own cancer, but part of what they've been dealing with is his response to my mother's death from cancer. Since my SIL also gets to participate in classes and events and such, it sounds like it might be open to family members also. It sounds like they have a well thought-out program.

From Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gilda's_Club

 

[JanesJewels]

Jane - thank you. It's good to hear that you think this is normal, because I do feel I'm going a little crazy. I expected to feel extreme sadness over her death, but I didn't expect it to ruin other areas of my life like my career and my relationships - and my health, too. I have seriously packed on the pounds during this cancer journey. I must be 40-50 pounds heavier which makes me feel cr*p.

And I don't post on the cancer site now but I do read it, because I feel close to her that way and because I guess I'm expecting to get it too. Apart from a strong family history, I have other lifestyle risk factors, and I'm putting off my mammogram because I don't want to hear something like "Oh, you have atypical ductal hyperplasia so your risk is further elevated - we'll have to watch that" or "Oh, your density is 80% - big risk factor" hearing anything like that would be too much right now, and I'm convinced there will be something since I have such a fibrocystic chest.

I used the online Gail model and my risk is at least 33% which puts me well into the high risk category. But Mom was an only child, so my risk could be even higher. She never had a sister. I just want to be young and carefree again, with my mom here and none of this cancer stress. Now I know so much about advanced cancer and its myriad effects and I wish I could un-know it. I guess I feel it's a glimpse of the future.

Maybe other people feel every bit as bad and cray-cray but they don't tell. I don't tell either, because I feel so bad that it's embarrassing. I go over memories like my parents crying during this time, like my mom did when she told me she was starting chemo, and my dad when he called hysterical from the hospital in the night.

I can't believe I never saw her again. Dad thinks that was best, but our relationship ended in mid-conversation. I let her get off the phone to start her new chemo pill and then I decided not to call her back later to say goodnight, as I thought the pill might have made her feel sick, and she died that night so we never spoke again.

I found a photo of her three weeks before she died, just after she went to the hairdresser, and her eyes look bad. I thought it was my imagination and my husband would tell me not to be silly, but he said the photo haunts him. When I spoke to her oncologist, who saw her the day before she died, he said she looked "pretty shocking" but that there was a disconnect because she sounded really good and was chatting to people in the waiting room, etc. He told her she had days to live and when she got home from that appointment she called me and told me she had weeks and months. And she sounded so normal that I believed her. I told her that if she had all that time, I'd come at the end of the following week, but she said no, get here on Tuesday. So she must have heard him after all.

I was so determined to be there at the end, and that she would pass away with my arms around her telling her all was well. After all, she ushered me into the world and I wanted to usher her out of it. I'd read up on all the things that happen in the last hours of life so I'd be prepared, and I can't believe I wasn't there when it happened. Maybe it was for the best - I'd have woken up to the paramedics rushing around upstairs in the night, and I guess it would have been traumatic, but I still so wish I'd been there. I wasn't able to comfort her in her final hours and it was very important to me to do that. Makes me feel a bit impotent.

I hardly know what to say to my dear best friend of almost 30 years. I feel like we are separated by a gulf, and when I was at home for the interment I didn't contact her, which formerly would have been unthinkable. She's emailed wondering how I've been and what I want for my birthday, and I just feel like I have nothing to say to her. Like we are foreigners with a language barrier. And we have spent the last 30 years having such wonderful talks, endless deep and meaningful conversations, she knew everything about me, things even my husband doesn't know, but now I just can't talk to her. I'm close to two friends who are going through the same thing as me, and I feel like we speak the same language and like there's nothing I can say to other friends who email about everyday things and say breezy things like "Hope things are getting back to normal for you now." I don't blame them but I feel like we live on different planets since the death. I have so many emails to answer and since I have nothing to say, I'm not motivated to answer them. Then they email again and it just feels like pressure.

My mom did a lot for our little local community over 36 years and they have given her a memorial bench in the town, like they have done for others. But hers is outside the town hall on a little plinth and it's lit up at night by a security light on the building. Unintentionally, it looks like an empty bench on a stage at night, and I think it's spooky. I don't like the plaque, either, "In memory of X". I haven't accepted that she's gone yet.

A few weeks ago I couldn't sleep so I got up sat in the dark, holding a toy that she and I used to play with when I was little. I realized that this cancer journey has had more effects than I first realized it would have when she was diagnosed, and that what I need to do is rebuild my life. It was the first time I realized how much had been torn down over the last couple of years, and that rebuilding was what was needed. Then I went for the interment and everything has been put back.

I need to lose weight and get fit but my dad is coming for two weeks tomorrow, then a few days later my MIL comes for over two weeks. I won't be free of houseguests till almost mid-November, and then it's toward the end of the year. And so it goes on.

Thanks to everyone who has replied in this thread. I've got to do a pile of housework for all the guests coming. Very boring.

 

[JanesJewels]

VRBeauty - thank you. I'll look into Gilda's Club. About your dad's meals, do you live near? When I visit my dad I make large meals, such as lasagne or chicken casseroles, and I portion them out into those foil containers with paper lids, like takeout boxes, and put them in the freezer for him. Meat casseroles are excellent for making a large pot and portioning it out, and freezing (if he eats meat). I do the same with making bolognese ground beef, so all he has to do is defrost it and add the pasta. Make sure he knows to defrost thoroughly and then heat till steaming hot. That generation of men, many of them never had to cook so we can't assume they know these things. Baked beans, scrambled eggs are filling and don't need much cooking. Perhaps you could show him how to do scrambled eggs, and buy him some tins of baked beans? I mean, it's not the healthiest, but if he's in a state and won't cook, they are things that will just help fill him up. He could eat the baked beans with rice, which is also easy and filling. You could also show him how to make a baked potato - tell him he needs to prick the thing - and he could have baked potato with beans or cheese. That's another easy, filling meal.

You sound pretty up and down, like me. I am so very sorry for your loss. You'd think that grieving would be more a communal thing since we all go through it, but it's a lonely and private thing.

If it's any consolation, I also worry constantly about my dad because he is so lonely and isolated, like yours. That is exactly my worry, too. You're not alone in that. I wish I could help, but I know a lot of people in my family and my parents' circle where one spouse has died (since they're all 70-plus) and the hard truth, I suppose, is that they have to get used to it. But it's heartbreaking when it's your own relative who is so bereaved and lonely. Sending you a virtual hug back xxx

 

[JanesJewels]

I've just finished reading Meghan O' Rourke's book The Long Goodbye about the death of her mother and found it very comforting. I'd recommend it to anyone who is struggling with this loss. I've read a number of grief books but none except this one captures it. Thought it might be useful to others who have shared their own losses in this thread. It's not easy to read, it's a primal howl of pain, but it reassures you that you're not going mad after all. It's been such a help to me that I wanted to share. For example, the author said that once in the aftermath she hadn't showered for ten days, which makes me feel a little better about my own five-day stint like that. I'm not sure how she managed ten days; after five days I got a rash on my foot. Anyway, this book is grief at its most intense and it's very reassuring to know that someone, somewhere, feels as you have felt.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Long-Goodbye-A-Memoir/dp/B00B9ZG7A2

 

[JanesJewels]

JJ, you are going through a normal grieving process. If a person hasn't experienced sadness and loss before, it can feel like you are losing your mind or will be forever mired in grief. Our western culture does not really prepare us for grief, and bereavement seems to be discouraged after a rather short time. A statute of limitations for the pain of loss. Do not accept a time limit for when you should be starting to feel better. Do not think you are abnormal for feeling broken hearted that your mum died.

Please, please go to a counsellor. Get one for your dad too. Human beings need to talk.

Jane, I just wanted to thank you so much for the encouragement on this, and to say that I have taken your advice and am seeing a bereavement counselor on Nov 24th. Her name is Peggy and she sounds very comforting on the phone. Thanks for the suggestion. I kinda thought things would improve on their own but it's slow so hopefully this will help. Your words kept coming back to me.

It is such a warm/positive thing when unconnected strangers help each other by way of the internet.