Neighborhood kids

[Allisonfaye]

I have 2 daughters ages (almost) 8 and almost 10. My younger one is/has always been on the impulsive side. She is very energetic and gets a n idea in her head and has a hard time not acting on it, but she is getting better. My older one is a an introvert, very smart and just diagnosed with ADD (inattentive type). She could read 24/7. But her ADD is very bad. She has trouble completing much school work because of it. Until this summer, I never let the younger one out without supervision. We live very close to the street and I was afraid she would run across without checking first. So this summer is the first summer she has been allowed out to play alone with the neighborhood kids. So my older daughter is out playing with them more, too. So the problem is, they don't like my younger daughter. I am not exactly sure why. She doesn't have many friends at school either. School is trying to work on it, too. I try to arrange play dates but honestly, I usually let the other kid make the first overture because I know how the kids don't really like her. She often either doesn't get invited back or doesn't get invited at all or the other parents don't reciprocate. I see how they look at her when I go to volunteer at her class. (last year). She definitely has a reputation. She isn't bad. But it was hard for her to hold still in the circle and stuff like that. Now that she is in 2nd grade and doing more academic stuff, she is thriving and loves school.

So there are about 5 girls of varying ages directly around us. My older daughter plays with them fine (although she is very shy), except when the younger one wants to play, too. The group of kids runs away from her, 'ditches' her, etc. I tried to kind of stay out of it all summer, hoping it would resolve itself as she played with them more and got more mature but it has only gotten worse.Also, I didn't know if she was doing something to cause them to be mean, like be mean first. Number 1) they avoid my older daughter because they figure they will also have to include the younger one. I have tried to have them doing separate things sometimes but I can't have the younger one out all the time or busy 2) I was kind of not sure IF my younger one was doing something mean to them but I wasn't really seeing it and kids won't be mean when you are watching them anyway.

So here's what happened. I went pick her up at school and the neighbors had the waterslide up. So I told my older one to ask them if they would be nice to her and I told HER to be nice to them, thinking if she can't be included in something like THIS, it is really wrong. I don't expect them to invite her over for playdates or anything, but how on earth can I tell her that she can't go next door to play on the water slide when her sister is there, too? So when she got her bathing suit on and ran out (about 3 of them ambushed her) with these huge water gun things. (She has major nearsightedness and wears hugely thick glasses so this rendered her sightless as well). I told them I couldn't believe they did that and then another kid (who is notably mean and her age and won't play with her) came up right in front of me and did it again. I don't think she heard me ream the first kids for doing the exact thing. I asked my older daughter if this was planned and she yes, they had a 'secret girl meeting' and planned it. When we came home, she warned her sister to be nice because 'they weren't that excited about her coming'. God bless her she wanted to play anyway. I was sooo proud of my older daughter because when she saw what they had done, she told them off. It was the first time she really stood up for her, at least that I have seen. She SOOO wants to be accepted as a part of the group. She isn't strong in the friends area either.

I am just beside myself over how she has no one to play with. She is a sweet kid. As I said, she has some flaws. I get that. But she has a huge heart and she is very funny and smart. I just don't know what to do. I can't make them like her. I just want them to let her play when they are doing something that everyone can enjoy and be civil towards her.

I spoke with my neighbor about it. She wants to include everyone and told them this was unacceptable. But she thinks her daughter is a 'follower' and my daughter said she often leads these things. But I am not going to tell her that. Unfortunately, the moms of two of the others aren't all that friendly to me. I don't have any idea what I ever did to either of them. One of them has lived across the street from me for 9 years and often (more often than not) won't speak to me. ( I have heard this is not uncommon for her). I have been told the other mom would care if she heard her daughter was doing this but who knows?

I am going to add, although I don't know how relevant you will feel this is, that I live in somewhat of an upscale neighborhood and many of the people won't give me the time of day either. I know I am not the only one this has happened to. But it is all the more painful when your kids are excluded.

 

[Allisonfaye]

And if you made it through this whole thing, thank you.

 

[amc80]

This might sound like an odd suggestion, but what about karate? It is great for teaching kids discipline, patience, getting along with others, teamwork, etc. Plus she might make some friends that aren't from her school so there's no reputation going in. It might help the older one with her confidence as well.

Oh, and kudos to you for realizing it could be your kid's behavior rather than just blaming the others.

 

[Allisonfaye]

This might sound like an odd suggestion, but what about karate? It is great for teaching kids discipline, patience, getting along with others, teamwork, etc. Plus she might make some friends that aren't from her school so there's no reputation going in. It might help the older one with her confidence as well.

Oh, and kudos to you for realizing it could be your kid's behavior rather than just blaming the others.

Thank you. Not at all odd. You are not the first person to suggest it.

No, I know there must be something that she does that puts them off. But I do think it has now become fun to gang up on her.

I tried tai quon do (I know that isn't spelled right) a few years ago. She just couldn't do it. She was disruptive to the class. But she takes tap and does a wonderful job in that. She also takes piano, which I think does teach her some discipline.

 

[aviastar]

Hmm, I'm wondering if her martial arts teacher just wasn't very good at containing the class. Granted, it's not martial arts, but I've taught theater classes, including stage combat, for years to groups of all ages and I would never turn away a child who was interested. In fact, I've spoken with many parents who were worried about exactly what you are talking about and I encouraged them to have their children join the class. A good teacher/program is willing and equipped to work with each child's strengths and weaknesses- cause it's about the kids! Not the teacher! If a child could benefit from being in one of my classes then they are welcome and I will work with whatever comes along! Sorry about the soapbox, but this is such a frustrating thing for me to hear!

She does well in dance she can do well in anything! And if she likes performing, there's always drama camps.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Hmm, I'm wondering if her martial arts teacher just wasn't very good at containing the class. Granted, it's not martial arts, but I've taught theater classes, including stage combat, for years to groups of all ages and I would never turn away a child who was interested. In fact, I've spoken with many parents who were worried about exactly what you are talking about and I encouraged them to have their children join the class. A good teacher/program is willing and equipped to work with each child's strengths and weaknesses- cause it's about the kids! Not the teacher! If a child could benefit from being in one of my classes then they are welcome and I will work with whatever comes along! Sorry about the soapbox, but this is such a frustrating thing for me to hear!

She does well in dance she can do well in anything! And if she likes performing, there's always drama camps.

She is a little young for sleep away camps but she does go to day camp in the summer. She seems to do great there.

 

[tammy77]

Do we have the same kids?! My younger dd is 8 - loves dancing/singing/drama. My oldest is 10 - loves art, is smart, super shy but is the most gentle soul I know. My younger dd has trouble with the neighborhood kids too, but we know why. She whines too much for her age and doesn't really get the concept of give and take in friendships. She's gotten MUCH better about it and has been able to make friends over this past year (so when she was in 2nd grade, at least the end of the school year). I may have missed it, but what are the ages of most of the neighborhood kids?

I'm not entirely sure what can help at this point because there is already a set pattern. It's really tough to break those issues once they're established with a group of kids. So maybe at this point it's better to focus on helping your daughter with social skills via books (amazon has some great ones that have been really helpful for our girls) and classes/day camps in the meantime. Hopefully with the new school year she can make a few friends and possibly have some play dates. I know it's hard and time consuming, but sometimes at least for our family it's helped to take the initiative and do the hosting. Maybe a movie and popcorn Saturday afternoon, or set up your own water slide! Things that the neighborhood kids will be drawn to and have no choice but to either not come, or give your dd a chance to play too. Oh, girls are so mean in groups even at the elementary/middle school age! Hopefully you will have opportunities to gently remind the nasties that they wouldn't like to be treated that way, etc. if something comes up.

The bottom line is that it's going to take time and guidance for ALL of the kids involved. I'd like to believe that the neighborhood girls aren't mean spirited, but just caught up in a game they don't realize is harmful. I'm pretty surprised that their parents aren't concerned about bullying though, because it's just going to get worse without guidance. I would be furious if my kids did that.

Sorry for rambling, I'm tired.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Do we have the same kids?! My younger dd is 8 - loves dancing/singing/drama. My oldest is 10 - loves art, is smart, super shy but is the most gentle soul I know. My younger dd has trouble with the neighborhood kids too, but we know why. She whines too much for her age and doesn't really get the concept of give and take in friendships. She's gotten MUCH better about it and has been able to make friends over this past year (so when she was in 2nd grade, at least the end of the school year). I may have missed it, but what are the ages of most of the neighborhood kids?

I'm not entirely sure what can help at this point because there is already a set pattern. It's really tough to break those issues once they're established with a group of kids. So maybe at this point it's better to focus on helping your daughter with social skills via books (amazon has some great ones that have been really helpful for our girls) and classes/day camps in the meantime. Hopefully with the new school year she can make a few friends and possibly have some play dates. I know it's hard and time consuming, but sometimes at least for our family it's helped to take the initiative and do the hosting. Maybe a movie and popcorn Saturday afternoon, or set up your own water slide! Things that the neighborhood kids will be drawn to and have no choice but to either not come, or give your dd a chance to play too. Oh, girls are so mean in groups even at the elementary/middle school age! Hopefully you will have opportunities to gently remind the nasties that they wouldn't like to be treated that way, etc. if something comes up.

The bottom line is that it's going to take time and guidance for ALL of the kids involved. I'd like to believe that the neighborhood girls aren't mean spirited, but just caught up in a game they don't realize is harmful. I'm pretty surprised that their parents aren't concerned about bullying though, because it's just going to get worse without guidance. I would be furious if my kids did that.

Sorry for rambling, I'm tired.

Not rambling at all. Quite the opposite. Your post really helped me. I will reply to it specifically later when she is not talking my ear off.

 

[janinegirly]

Oh your poor girls...I don't understand it either. It is hard to pinpoint when I don't really understand the underlying issue..your younger (and older) seem perfectly fine to me in the big picture. Every kid has their quirk, and adults even more. Girls are more sensitive and also meaner, so it can be harder. Mine are still smaller (2 and 5) but I'm worried about these sorts of things.

Now I tend to be a bit of an introvert myself but if this were going on I think I wouldn't care too much about "why" they don't like me or include me/us after a certain point, it sounds like you have tried very hard. I think I'd move on and find other things to be involved in and other kids . Is it really pertinent to be so involved with the neighbor's kids? I mean it's great if it all flows, but if not....then oh well, not like it's family! How do they do in school? Kids don't have to have a million friends, if they have just one or 2 that's great to me (especially for the quiet ones).

Keep in mind I'm an east coaster who moved to the burbs from NYC so I may justbe generally unfriendly lol, but I don't find it too uncommon for people in the neighborhood to be polite but to keep to themselves. I agree however on being inclusive to all if there is something going on for kids on the street, and not ambushing (!) which is just bullying in a different setting and not acceptable.

 

[swingirl]

Here is my 2 cents. I have a daughter and I don't ever remember her playing with girls who were not her own age. A little sister tagging along isn't going to be appreciated by older girls and if the leader of the pack is closer to your older daughter's age she is setting the tone. Boys seem to play with larger age groups but girls usually do not. 4th grade girls aren't going to play with 2nd grade girls.

Just because the neighborhood kids are outside and visible isn't an open invitation for everyone to join. I think you are assuming that just because one of your girls is invited that the other must tag along. That's not the case. Invitation only.

I think your daughter would benefit from group activities where no invitation is needed. Dance is great, ballet, gymnastics, etc. Classes where it's all girls, organized and no one can run away or be mean.

I do not think 8 and 10 year olds are old enough to play unsupervised. Letting them all out together creates a "Lord of the Flies" situation. Someone will become the leader and the peaking order will be established. It's not fair to expect kids this age to all "be nice", especially if a child is less mature or has some undesirable behaviors.

Keep your daughter close and give her extra mommy time doing activities that she likes. It sounds like your neighborhood isn't that friendly. I'd probably spend more time taking my kids to the park, museums, lunch, etc. rather than let them associate with the locals.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Here is my 2 cents. I have a daughter and I don't ever remember her playing with girls who were not her own age. A little sister tagging along isn't going to be appreciated by older girls and if the leader of the pack is closer to your older daughter's age she is setting the tone. Boys seem to play with larger age groups but girls usually do not. 4th grade girls aren't going to play with 2nd grade girls.

Just because the neighborhood kids are outside and visible isn't an open invitation for everyone to join. I think you are assuming that just because one of your girls is invited that the other must tag along. That's not the case. Invitation only.

I think your daughter would benefit from group activities where no invitation is needed. Dance is great, ballet, gymnastics, etc. Classes where it's all girls, organized and no one can run away or be mean.

I do not think 8 and 10 year olds are old enough to play unsupervised. Letting them all out together creates a "Lord of the Flies" situation. Someone will become the leader and the peaking order will be established. It's not fair to expect kids this age to all "be nice", especially if a child is less mature or has some undesirable behaviors.

Keep your daughter close and give her extra mommy time doing activities that she likes. It sounds like your neighborhood isn't that friendly. I'd probably spend more time taking my kids to the park, museums, lunch, etc. rather than let them associate with the locals.

You make some interesting points. The girl across the street is her age. But she is notably not a nice girl a lot of the time so I don't push it.
She takes piano and tap now. It's funny you mention older girls not playing with younger girls. She DOES play well with one neighbor girl (who coincidentally doesn't seem to play with any of the other kids) and she is in 6th grade. In fact, she is over there right now.

I am happy that since the ambush incident, girls have come over to invite my older one to play twice and she went to one of their houses when she heard all of them were playing and was included. So yeah! I am sure one of the days, the mom whose house this happened at prompted them to come and get her, but that's ok.

I do want to thank all of you for your suggestions. Just reading them helps me a great deal.

 

[janinegirly]

Here is my 2 cents. I have a daughter and I don't ever remember her playing with girls who were not her own age. A little sister tagging along isn't going to be appreciated by older girls and if the leader of the pack is closer to your older daughter's age she is setting the tone. Boys seem to play with larger age groups but girls usually do not. 4th grade girls aren't going to play with 2nd grade girls.

Just because the neighborhood kids are outside and visible isn't an open invitation for everyone to join. I think you are assuming that just because one of your girls is invited that the other must tag along. That's not the case. Invitation only.

I think your daughter would benefit from group activities where no invitation is needed. Dance is great, ballet, gymnastics, etc. Classes where it's all girls, organized and no one can run away or be mean.

I do not think 8 and 10 year olds are old enough to play unsupervised. Letting them all out together creates a "Lord of the Flies" situation. Someone will become the leader and the peaking order will be established. It's not fair to expect kids this age to all "be nice", especially if a child is less mature or has some undesirable behaviors.

Keep your daughter close and give her extra mommy time doing activities that she likes. It sounds like your neighborhood isn't that friendly. I'd probably spend more time taking my kids to the park, museums, lunch, etc. rather than let them associate with the locals.

Great advice. Lord of the Flies..eek, so true, must keep in mind for when my girls are older!

 

[packrat]

Hugs to your girls, and to you too, mom! It's hard to see your kids being pushed aside or other kids being mean to them.

My daughter is going to be 10 and my son is 6 1/2. Both kids are um...different? I mean, whatever, my brother and I were considered different too, and we sometimes had problems making friends, but dangit, it's different when you see your own kids experiencing the same things.

I think these are hard ages..they're trying to be more independent, they're developing personality quirks. I'm goofy/quirky, and my kids are too, what can I say? I started having lunch w/London once a month when she was in Kindergarten so I could just kinda get a bead on how things were going. She would come home and when I'd ask who she played w/at recess, she'd say nobody b/c nobody wanted to or would play w/her. If that doesn't feel like someone ripped your heart out of your chest I don't know what would. The girls in the class thought London was the shizz when I would come, b/c I was silly w/them and I stayed for recess after lunch and played on the playground w/them. Then I noticed she was playing w/basically a different girl (boys too) at every single recess, every day.

I put her in dance, she's now starting her 5th year of it, the classes are ballet/tap and jazz. She never wanted to be in anything else. Tried Tae Kwon Do, that flopped after 3 lessons. The discipline, the rules, the yes Ma'am, no Ma'am, calling the instructor "Master", all of that was a huge thing for her. That was a couple years ago. Now over the summer she had a friend over who is in it and she wanted to try it again-she's now a yellow belt, and is making plans for tennis, volleyball, basketball, begging for gymnastics, and thrilled that she can be in band next year. She's confident. Oh-and theater too-she wants to try out for the fall play in town. (she's still "weird"...she's just more confident in her weirdness )

Our son, not so much, but we're working on it.

The whole neighborhood kids thing, I'm not sure how to solve that. Can you be more involved in their classes at school, volunteer there or something? Think of something fun to invite a few girls to? If they could see your girls for their fun and sweet and enjoyable selves, that could change their opinions..and all it takes is *one* girl to decide she doesn't like another girl b/c of who knows what, she didn't like her barrettes that day or whatever, and other girls will follow suit. So if you can find one girl to change her mind about your girls....Kinda like finding the head vampire.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Hugs to your girls, and to you too, mom! It's hard to see your kids being pushed aside or other kids being mean to them.

My daughter is going to be 10 and my son is 6 1/2. Both kids are um...different? I mean, whatever, my brother and I were considered different too, and we sometimes had problems making friends, but dangit, it's different when you see your own kids experiencing the same things.

I think these are hard ages..they're trying to be more independent, they're developing personality quirks. I'm goofy/quirky, and my kids are too, what can I say? I started having lunch w/London once a month when she was in Kindergarten so I could just kinda get a bead on how things were going. She would come home and when I'd ask who she played w/at recess, she'd say nobody b/c nobody wanted to or would play w/her. If that doesn't feel like someone ripped your heart out of your chest I don't know what would. The girls in the class thought London was the shizz when I would come, b/c I was silly w/them and I stayed for recess after lunch and played on the playground w/them. Then I noticed she was playing w/basically a different girl (boys too) at every single recess, every day.

I put her in dance, she's now starting her 5th year of it, the classes are ballet/tap and jazz. She never wanted to be in anything else. Tried Tae Kwon Do, that flopped after 3 lessons. The discipline, the rules, the yes Ma'am, no Ma'am, calling the instructor "Master", all of that was a huge thing for her. That was a couple years ago. Now over the summer she had a friend over who is in it and she wanted to try it again-she's now a yellow belt, and is making plans for tennis, volleyball, basketball, begging for gymnastics, and thrilled that she can be in band next year. She's confident. Oh-and theater too-she wants to try out for the fall play in town. (she's still "weird"...she's just more confident in her weirdness )

Our son, not so much, but we're working on it.

The whole neighborhood kids thing, I'm not sure how to solve that. Can you be more involved in their classes at school, volunteer there or something? Think of something fun to invite a few girls to? If they could see your girls for their fun and sweet and enjoyable selves, that could change their opinions..and all it takes is *one* girl to decide she doesn't like another girl b/c of who knows what, she didn't like her barrettes that day or whatever, and other girls will follow suit. So if you can find one girl to change her mind about your girls....Kinda like finding the head vampire.

I absolutely LOVE this post. (especially the vampire part).

 

[packrat]

haha thanks-it's my weird quirkiness coming out.

I hope you can come up w/something for your girls, it really is hard to watch them go thru things like this.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Well, here we go again. As the weather starts to warm up, I have to deal with this sh$t again. I just don't know how to handle this. I was thinking of talking to the moms of the three girls who live nearby. One won't talk to me unless she is literally face to face with me and even then the most she can muster up is a hi (unless her husband is nearby)(her kid isn't so terribly nice either but the girls will play with HER), the others are somewhat friendlier. My older daughter wants to play with them but they run away from my younger one. They never come over to ask my older one to play unless there is NO ONE else to play with. I am not sure if this is because they know the younger one is here or not.

I was thinking of approaching them and telling the mothers that while I don't in any way expect them to invite my younger one to their homes, could they please tell their kids that when they all play outside not to exclude her? Would that work? I just can't go through this heartbreak again this summer.

 

[mia1181]

Here is my 2 cents. I have a daughter and I don't ever remember her playing with girls who were not her own age. A little sister tagging along isn't going to be appreciated by older girls and if the leader of the pack is closer to your older daughter's age she is setting the tone. Boys seem to play with larger age groups but girls usually do not. 4th grade girls aren't going to play with 2nd grade girls.

Just because the neighborhood kids are outside and visible isn't an open invitation for everyone to join. I think you are assuming that just because one of your girls is invited that the other must tag along. That's not the case. Invitation only.

I think your daughter would benefit from group activities where no invitation is needed. Dance is great, ballet, gymnastics, etc. Classes where it's all girls, organized and no one can run away or be mean.

I do not think 8 and 10 year olds are old enough to play unsupervised. Letting them all out together creates a "Lord of the Flies" situation. Someone will become the leader and the peaking order will be established. It's not fair to expect kids this age to all "be nice", especially if a child is less mature or has some undesirable behaviors.

Keep your daughter close and give her extra mommy time doing activities that she likes. It sounds like your neighborhood isn't that friendly. I'd probably spend more time taking my kids to the park, museums, lunch, etc. rather than let them associate with the locals.

I agree with this post above.

I teach social skills to kids with special needs and I teach parents how to teach their kids to have better social skills.

The truth is, you can't control the other girls' behavior. But strengthening your daughters' social skills will allow them to better navigate these situations.

You say that your YDD might be part of the problem and that she might be "mean" to the other girls. What do you mean by "mean?" What specifically is she doing to cause the other girls to not want to play with her? You may/may not be able to salvage these relationships, but looking forward, you want to help her work on anything that might be driving others away. If you aren't sure what it is specifically, ask ODD. If you are still unsure, you need to have more supervised playdates in your home to see what the problem might be.

It might be nothing she is doing at all, it could be just because she is younger. But you have to figure out the problem before proceeding. If this is a case of pure bullying you will need to intervene differently than if YDD is causing the problem.

Some kids just don't mix well. The best you can do is try to figure out the root of the problem and work on it, but if nothing works you have to move on and separate them.

Does YDD have any friends of her own? If not, you will need to start networking. Playdates with classmates, joining activities that interest her and will give her exposure to other kids with supervision.

Keep communication open with ODD. It's not really fair for her to be lonely because of her sister's behavior (or just because she has a sister). Talk to her about her feelings on the matter. It sounds like she's pretty shy. Does she know how to stand up for herself? Does she know how to tell you when she thinks her sister is annoying her friends and would like her to go home?

Talking to the parents is a great idea. Like someone else said, I am also an east coaster and I was raised to keep to myself in my neighborhood. I don't feel like I have to be friends with all of my neighbors just because they live nearby so some of your neighbors might be the same way. I would just try and approach the parents in a "looks like our kids are friends, let's chat" or "hey we both have kids around the same age" type of way rather than "we have a problem here." I'd want to avoid getting anyone defensive about whose kid did what. Once you've opened communication, you can talk more about how the kids interact. Or you could just be open and say that you are trying to work on your YDD's social skills and you were wondering if they heard anything about why they might not be getting along. Unfortunately, some of the parents might be total jerks. But that's life. You have to decide who you want to be around and who you want your kids around. But it's always best to try and be civil, especially since they are your neighbors.

 

[momhappy]

I have dealt with exactly the same thing. Sadly, my daughter is socially awkward too and has trouble making friends. Here's what I learned: you can't force a friendship (as much as you'd like to). There is a girl that is the same age as my DD and actually, her mom is a good friend of mine. The girl used to run and "hide" from my DD whenever she saw her. I saw it happen with my own eyes one day and I swiftly intervened. I told the girl that she was being rude and that the behavior would stop immediately. I told her that I was not asking her to be friends with my daughter, but that she WOULD NOT be rude to her any more. I then asked if if she understood and she said yes. I later talked to her mom about the behaviors (which was terribly awkward), but it needed to be done. A year or so has gone by since that incident and the girls are still not friends, which is fine, but the girl doesn't run from my DD any more. I keep close tabs on the situation though.
Based on the information that you've provided, I would not pursue the neighborhood girls. Forcing them to hang out (by speaking to their parents) will likely only make matters worse. Personally, I'd schedule alternative playdates and leave the neighborhood girls to your other DD. I know how hard it is - we just want to protect our kids. You have to come to terms with the fact that you just can't help them with some of the social stuff. I don't force friendships, but I do become involved if someone is being outright rude or mean to my kids.

 

[Indylady]

Well, here we go again. As the weather starts to warm up, I have to deal with this sh$t again. I just don't know how to handle this. I was thinking of talking to the moms of the three girls who live nearby. One won't talk to me unless she is literally face to face with me and even then the most she can muster up is a hi (unless her husband is nearby)(her kid isn't so terribly nice either but the girls will play with HER), the others are somewhat friendlier. My older daughter wants to play with them but they run away from my younger one. They never come over to ask my older one to play unless there is NO ONE else to play with. I am not sure if this is because they know the younger one is here or not.

I was thinking of approaching them and telling the mothers that while I don't in any way expect them to invite my younger one to their homes, could they please tell their kids that when they all play outside not to exclude her? Would that work? I just can't go through this heartbreak again this summer.

Your neighbors don't necessarily have to be your friends; growing up, I did live in a very family oriented neighborhood, but I actually didn't have any friends in the neighborhood. I didn't even realize/or think that that was weird until I read your post. Maybe your kids could join a sport, or some other extra curricular activity, and use that as an outlet to make friends. My family had a lot of family friends, and I used to spend a lot of time with them.

 

[missy]

Allison, I am getting so aggravated for you and your dear children just reading this thread so I cannot even imagine how stressful all of this is on your family. I haven't much to add to what was already suggested. I really like Indy's advice on finding friends outside the neighborhood and making play dates with kids she clicks with more easily.

It's not always easy to make friends (I see my younger niece having some difficulty in that arena like my sister before her whereas my older niece is more like me at that age making friends easily) and you cannot force it. Instead perhaps making an effort finding children more in tune with your youngest and making those play dates happen which I know is an effort but I see that as the best choice.

When I was little I was in charge of making sure my little sister (2 years younger) was included with the neighborhood kids and I was always very protective that way. It didn't make the kids like her any better though even though she was included. And my sister knew it so I am not sure that did her any favors. But I did it happily because I loved my little sister awkward as she was socially at that time. It did place a burden on me however one that I think served me well as I got older. It allowed me to develop a social maturity I might not have otherwise had at such a young age.

So maybe a healthy mix is best for your daughters at this time. Have your oldest try to get her included when they are both outside playing but try and allow her to have play dates with other children that are more able to "click" with your youngest at other times.

Best of luck and (((hugs))). My heart goes out to all of you. You will all get through this difficult stage and your daughters will go on to become successful and happy with families of their own. Remember this is just a hiccup in all of that and one that many children go through and successfully overcome.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Thank you all so much for your feedback. I hadn't been around here in a while and didn't realize people had replied.

Just quickly: I have tried to make playdates for the younger daughter. The kids willingly come here but hardly ever invite her to their house. Her favorite friend finally invited her over and her mom called and cancelled because of some emergency with their dog. I had her over here yet again. Her mom seems a bit flakey anyway. But they moved to a different area. Not too far and they could have invited her over but they don't. Should I keep inviting her over even though they never reciprocate?

 

[swingirl]

There are a lot of reasons why people don't invite kids/guests to their house (it's usually their own issues). Invite her friend over to your place where you can interact, supervise and set the time and date. It'll still be just as fun for your daughter. Kids don't care where they play as long as the environment is welcoming. And if the mom is flakey it's better your daughter doesn't go there.

 

[junebug17]

Allison, I'd keep inviting her - the important thing is for your daughter to interact with someone and have a friend. It's a good thing for your girl!

 

[momhappy]

There must be a reason why playdates are not reciprocated? The norm is to alternate locations so that the "work" involved is a little more equally distributed. I have one parent in particular who has a tendency to try to use me as childcare (but calling it a "playdate" and essentially inviting her child over to my house). Most often times I accept because I know that the playdate will benefit my child, but there have been times when I've declined, so as to avoid being used by this person repeatedly.
You mentioned that your daughter is impulsive and energetic, so maybe some parents feel it's simply too much responsibility or too much work to ensure her safety/happiness/well-being in their homes? I'll be honest, my children have certain friends that I wouldn't want to be responsible for in my own home - it's just too much work to ensure their safety, so I avoid it.
It sounds like it may be in your best interest to host the playdates at your home anyways, where you can monitor things, etc. When it comes to my socially awkward child, I'm FAR more comfortable hosting playdates in our home, so that's what I do.

 

[Allisonfaye]

There must be a reason why playdates are not reciprocated? The norm is to alternate locations so that the "work" involved is a little more equally distributed. I have one parent in particular who has a tendency to try to use me as childcare (but calling it a "playdate" and essentially inviting her child over to my house). Most often times I accept because I know that the playdate will benefit my child, but there have been times when I've declined, so as to avoid being used by this person repeatedly.
You mentioned that your daughter is impulsive and energetic, so maybe some parents feel it's simply too much responsibility or too much work to ensure her safety/happiness/well-being in their homes? I'll be honest, my children have certain friends that I wouldn't want to be responsible for in my own home - it's just too much work to ensure their safety, so I avoid it.
It sounds like it may be in your best interest to host the playdates at your home anyways, where you can monitor things, etc. When it comes to my socially awkward child, I'm FAR more comfortable hosting playdates in our home, so that's what I do.

Haha. I know that mom you are talking about. I quit inviting her kids over and I started saying no and not returning her calls. She has been wondering and even asked me about it but I didn't tell her the real reason. I think she finally maybe got it because I did a huge favor for her yesterday and she made many comments including offering to do the same. (First time she has offered).

I think it is the kids not asking to have her over because at that point, the parents don't really know her. I have talked to her teacher about this at both conferences. School has done a great job working with her to teach her how to interact with other kids….not doing unexpected things, talking nicely. So much so that at the last conference a few weeks ago, her teacher said she was the best at it in the class.

I don't know. I think I am never going to change the way kids on the street treat her. But it made me feel better to talk to a neutral third party who knows these kids and mentioned she didn't like them either. So maybe I just won't encourage my other daughter to play with them.

The other day, they were going to free ice cream day. My older daughter went out to look for kids to play with and stopped at the neighbor's house. Her mother said 'Oh, I thought she came to get you to go too." So my older daughter's feelings were hurt that she wasn't included. The next day, we had to take that girl to a brownie meeting. But my daughter was mad at her, which is unusual for her. She asked the girl where she was and the girl tried to squirm out of not inviting her by coming up with a bunch of lame excuses, which my daughter just kind of accepted. I waited to see what would happen but when my daughter didn't go any further I told the girl that my daughters' feelings were hurt because she didn't' get included. So the girl did apologize but I was so proud of my daughter for even bringing it up. The more I think about it, the more I don't care if she is friends with these kids because they aren't nice anyway.

 

[momhappy]

Again, I'm sorry that you're dealing with this stuff. It sucks, doesn't it? We just want our kids to be happy & healthy. The social stuff is SO tricky because as moms, there's little we can do. It sounds like you're doing the best you can, so hang in there. I shudder to think of the teen years….

 

[hippi_pixi]

i would think that long term your best bet lies with your older daughter.

when i was under 12 i lived in a street where the kids all knew each other. Of the girls it was me and 2 sisters. the older girl was skinny, pretty, funny and popular, the younger was chubby and awkward and not very cool. the older girl wasn't very nice to her younger sister so neither was I. so the 2 of us were friends and the younger girl would always be around but we didn't really want her there and probably let her know this.

Until one day the older girl stopped short and said to me why arn't you nice to my sister? and stood up for her, and i think we were both nicer to her after that. maybe her mum said something to the older girl. I was only ever mean to her because that was already the dynamic, i was just joining in. kids can be pretty mean.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Just rereading your lovely and thoughtful posts. I thought I would give you and update. Early in the summer, I spoke with a couple of the moms of girls and asked if they might speak with their kids. I asked not that they invite her over or anything but just don't' exclude her when they were playing outdoor games. It seemed to get better for a while but lately it seems to not be going so well again. I was checking on her frequently the other evening to see how she was doing and the kids can't really see me. I saw her standing alone and a group of 3 girls talking near her and I could tell my daughter was trying to talk to them as well. After a few attempts, one of them turned around screamed at her to 'go away'. I opened the door and said she isn't going way since they are right next to our house. She said they wanted to talk privately and I told them to go elsewhere if they wanted to do that. I don't know. I know she will never be included in this group and nothing I am going to do with change it. I just wish they didn't exclude my older daughter as well, and I suspect it is because of my younger one.

 

[Allisonfaye]

I should also add that I am trying some of these ideas. They already are in extracurricular activities, but often we have the same result. She takes tap and the 3 other girls in her class just look at her like she is strange. lol. She is in Brownies, but never seems to connect much with the other girls in the troop. But she keeps wanting me to sign her up. I am going to sign her up for two more things this fall. I have still invited the one girl to play even though she doesn't reciprocate.

My other daughter plays with the girls in the area but they almost never come to ask her to play and if they do, it is often for some calculated reason like they need another person for some reason. Admittedly, she tends to isolate herself. She loves to read. She is also in extracurricular activities, girls scouts and some others. She is a tad on the shy side so while she does make friends, she doesn't seem to be that interested in initiating activities with them. Sometimes I think this bothers me more than it does them. Maybe I should just let them be the little introverts they are and quit trying?