jealousy in a relationship

[livannie]

Yes, I feel that way about it too marymm. I have always heard that people tend to put their families needs second to others because we care more about what other people think when we should care about what our families think because they are the most important people in our lives. I am not saying my husband is like that, we are all probably like that a little. Like I hear at church to find someone who could use our help, like a homeless person or visit a nursing home to brighten an elderly person's day. We think of what we could do to help someone when if you look at your own families, there is always someone you could help out. But it's not as fun to help your own family so you give your time to someone else.
My husband has told me many times himself he believes people of the opposite sex can't be friends. He has told me if I see him becoming friends with someone that I should be worried.He said that one person will always be interested in something more. So when he has said that to me and he helps out women he works with multiple times, it just makes me wonder. But I don't believe he is the cheating type. I just worry about other's intentions.

 

[Circe]

I hope this won't seem too forward ... but what you say about your parents sounds really familiar to me. A close friend from high school had a similar background (parents split when she was in jr high because the dad turned out to be a cheater). It left her with some issues that have made it hard to sustain lasting relationships. Her mother over-shared a little (on the one hand, I can barely imagine the rage and pain ... on the other, giving your cusp-of-adulthood daughter the kind of talks you mention your mother giving sounds like a recipe for disaster). So, she went into therapy, unpacked some of her emotions towards forming emotional bonds - like fear of abandonment, setting impossible tasks where the other person repeatedly had to "prove" their love, commensurately, being needy and eventually driving people away, etc. - which has helped. Have you maybe considered that? I'm not saying your responses are invalid, just that maybe there's a chance some stuff in being imported into your *successful* marriage from your parents *unsuccessful* marriage.

That said, your last post would make me raise my eyebrows, too. That sounds like he has, at best, a double standard where you shouldn't have opposite sex friends but he can. That would piss me off bigtime.

 

[Circe]

Wow TooPatient! I could not have handled what you did. I am glad your husband realized it was wrong and stopped.
I, myself, don't think I'd ever ask a married man for a ride. I would try to imagine how that would make his wife feel. My mom has always told me to trust no woman around my husband, so now I question every woman's motives that seems even just a liitle bit friendly with my husband. He had another co-worker who had recently gotten divorced that would keep asking him to go to her house and fix her car. I would get a little upset about it and he would get mad at me and I felt dumb being mean to this poor divorced woman. She has asked him a few times and would come by with cookies for my husband as payment. My husband is a really friendly person, that's what I liked about him when we first met, but I just don't like him being too friendly with other women. But I hate being a jealous person at the same time.

Oh, I knew something here was niggling at me. My mom has said things like this, too. My mom also has no female friends, suffers a massively codependent relationship with my dad, and seems hellbent on sabotaging every relationship I have, by telling me that my lady friends are after my husband and all men cheat. I ... tend to attribute this more to her serious, long term, untreated depression than to her great insight into the human condition. YMMV.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

For me, it isn't about trusting no woman around my husband. It is about trusting my husband around other people. I trust him. If some one throws themselves at him, he will refuse. If someone (man, woman, child or cat) is taking too much of his time and he is neglecting me, I tell him and he will fix it. If I don't trust him to do these things, he isn't worth my while. I have been told that thinking this way will inevitably lead to him cheating on me. Perhaps. But I will not live in dread of that day.

It is interesting and sad to see how this passes on from the generation to generation. I was never the jealous type but I was very, very insecure for a long time. If someone was interested in me, there had to be a deep, manipulative reason for it. They wanted to hurt and humiliate me publicly some way. That was something hard to get over.

 

[livannie]

Circe, I have thought about the points you have made before. I was 20 when I got married and my parents divorce was going on at the time of our wedding. My mom would call everyday at all hours of the day crying about my dad. It was like that till maybe 2 or 3 years ago. I am 29 now. She would constantly tell me what an a$$hole he was and what a bad parent he is. I have 2 younger brothers who only see him once every couple years. He left when one brother was 8 and the other 13. He paid a ton of money in child support and alimony but never really was around for them. They are both kind of lost in life now. But my husband got annoyed every time she would call and complain about my dad. My dad is remarried now but my mom isn't. She says she will never get married. She dates around but I think she pretty much lost all trust in men. And she was molested and raped by her own grandpa many times when she was little. She has had a tough life. She is the first person I call when I need advice but maybe I shouldn't ask her for marriage advice. She lives a couple thousand miles away from me so we talk a lot on the phone but for some reason we don't get along as well when we see each other in person. I probably remind her too much of my Dad.

 

[star sparkle]

General guidelines:
If a woman walks up and you let her kiss you, I WILL flatten her. (This actually happened once... -- minus the flattening... hence the fair warning! --- This scrawny woman ran down the hall, kissed him, and ran off without so much as introducing herself to me or even saying "Hi.". He proceeded to blush and try to downplay the whole thing..... Oh.... He'd also visited her alone in her apartment while her husband was out.)
Handshake okay. Hug, NOT okay. Kiss..... see the first guideline.

This is interesting to me. If a woman were to walk up to my DH and he let her kiss him, I would flatten HIM, not her. In that scenario, he obviously would have let another woman believe that this type of behavior is acceptable and ok, which to me is the bigger problem. In this hypothetical scenario, said woman may not even know he's married if he's given off the kinds of vibes that would deem a kiss acceptable. So yeah, HE'D receive the brunt of my wrath.

DH is the least jealous person I've ever known, so that's nice. And it's also a good thing, because 90% of my coworkers are male and he'd have a really difficult time if the fact that I am frequently in close quarters with other males, give/take rides from males, have lunch with other males, and develop actual friendships with my coworkers. I can't imagine how crazy he'd drive himself if he were the jealous type. Oh, and he was cheated on in a previous relationship.

I've also lost friendships with males because they got a new girlfriend or whatever and she wasn't secure enough to be ok with the friendship, and it really makes me sad. Especially since for one in particular, I'm the one who hooked the two of them up!

I completely trust my DH and am fine with him interacting with other females, and having friendships with them. I've actually become really great friends with a female that DH was friends with first, we get along smashingly and hang out all the time without our SOs.

 

[monarch64]

Yes, I feel that way about it too marymm. I have always heard that people tend to put their families needs second to others because we care more about what other people think when we should care about what our families think because they are the most important people in our lives. I am not saying my husband is like that, we are all probably like that a little. Like I hear at church to find someone who could use our help, like a homeless person or visit a nursing home to brighten an elderly person's day. We think of what we could do to help someone when if you look at your own families, there is always someone you could help out. But it's not as fun to help your own family so you give your time to someone else.
My husband has told me many times himself he believes people of the opposite sex can't be friends. He has told me if I see him becoming friends with someone that I should be worried.He said that one person will always be interested in something more. So when he has said that to me and he helps out women he works with multiple times, it just makes me wonder. But I don't believe he is the cheating type. I just worry about other's intentions.

I don't think it's a problem to worry about others' intentions. In fact, I think you are absolutely right to listen to your intuition and protect your marriage, period. There are definitely a lot of very unhappy, downright SOULLESS people out there whose only care in the world is doing whatever it takes to fill up some deep void inside of themselves that in normal people would be occupied by a soul. I've unfortunately met a few of those types in recent years so can vouch that they do exist!

I get the feeling you wouldn't be worried or have these feelings so much if you got to spend more time with your husband. Is there some way to change your schedules so that you can spend more quality time together? Instead of focusing on feelings of jealousy, maybe shift the focus to what is really lacking in your marriage--the amount of time together. If that is just not possible, can you find ways to maintain contact and communicate throughout the day? Texts/emails/etc., anything to help you both feel more connected.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Livannie, since I don't know much about your background, I hope I'm not making incorrect assumptions....but your story sounds a lot like my parents' relationship. My mom was a homemaker and never worked outside of the home, whereas my dad was a charming career diplomat, who worked in a field dominated by female clerical staff. She was always jealous/suspicious of his relationship with his coworkers because she could not grasp the idea of a "work relationship" because she did not have coworkers she interacted with on a daily basis. My dad had groups of ladies asking him out to lunch, and he usually accepted when in groups. Any social invitations outside of work hours were always extended to my mom, and if they didn't think of it, my dad would call to invite my mom, but she was still upset and jealous all the time. in my opinion, my dad never gave her anything to be jealous about. He always informed her when he was invited out to lunch, to let her know he did not need a packed lunch etc. I hope you don't get on your husband's case too much, it really is stressful on a relationship! IMO, the fact that he is so transparent about this woman at work is a sign that you don't have anything to worry about.

I'm one of the rare few that DOES believe in a plantonic working relationship because I have been there. My husband and I are both low on the jealousy scale I guess. We both have coworkers we hang out with (of the opposite sex) and we talk about our daily comings and goings openly. Perhaps it's because my husband and I were coworkers at one point, and know how the other interacts with other coworkers.

 

[NewShiny]

My husband and I both know that if we violate each other's trust in any way, there would be no marriage. So for us it's a non issue.

We both work in the same male dominated industry. I've had to take business trips alone with males and have 1:1 dinner meetings with men who are customers and other types of business associates fairly regularly. This is never an issue in our marriage, because he knows and I know I'm just doing my job. I've never put myself in a position to have a work dinner be anything other than a work dinner. I can't imagine being made to feel uncomfortable by my husband for doing my job. On the other hand, my husband just returned from an international business trip. I know he had dinner with one of the females on the trip, and the only thing I was interested in was whether the food was any good.

 

[Sky56]

I have trust issues in relationships, whether romantic or platonic, because of past experiences.

I generally have a dim view of humanity, though I am a light-hearted person who is happy! But I feel happy and lucky with my marriage, we trust each other being fully being monogamous and there is no jealousy. We're very "tight," - best friends who have been deep in love since the 1980's. We also always behave in a respectful manner, neither one of us flirts with the opposite sex. That seems alien to us.

 

[qtiekiki]

For me, it isn't about trusting no woman around my husband. It is about trusting my husband around other people. I trust him. If some one throws themselves at him, he will refuse. If someone (man, woman, child or cat) is taking too much of his time and he is neglecting me, I tell him and he will fix it. If I don't trust him to do these things, he isn't worth my while. I have been told that thinking this way will inevitably lead to him cheating on me. Perhaps. But I will not live in dread of that day.

I agreed. Do people really think that thinking this way will lead a husband to cheat? That's ridiculous. We are not responsible for our spouse's and other women's actions. People make a choice when they decide to cheat.

 

[GliderPoss]

I think a distinction needs to be made regarding emotional intimacy vs physical intimacy. They are both trust violators and I consider both a form of cheating. Emotional intimacy between 2 people other than with one's spouse is definitely cheating and just as bad as having a physical affair if not worse. Though in my book they are both deal breakers.

This a thousand times. I will admit I am a green-eyed monster and it's something I try to not let consume me. DH is unfortunately a very handsome friendly bloke who seems totally oblivious to other women chatting him up! He think's it's all innocent conversation and has no idea how to pick all the body language signs of flirting I have to trust him as he works with woman and honestly I don't think he would ever cheat on me (especially as an ex cheated on him!) so really it's all probably in my mind buuuuut... I still keep a close eye out anyway.

 

[livannie]

I talked to my husband when he came home to eat and he said if it bothers me he will tell her he can't give her rides anymore. I told him I didn't mind if it was once in a while but if it becomes a regular thing it will upset me. He seemed to understand and I feel better about things. The thing is there are a few women that live around here that could give her a ride that my husband and her work with. But if she asks him like once a month it won't bother me much.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I talked to my husband when he came home to eat and he said if it bothers me he will tell her he can't give her rides anymore. I told him I didn't mind if it was once in a while but if it becomes a regular thing it will upset me. He seemed to understand and I feel better about things. The thing is there are a few women that live around here that could give her a ride that my husband and her work with. But if she asks him like once a month it won't bother me much.

Glad you are expressing your concerns and he is listening and willing to put a stop to it knowing it bothers you. I DO want to give you some other reasons why she would ask him, and not other coworkers in the area. Perhaps his schedule is closest to hers, maybe she doesn't know the other people, which would make for an awkward commute, or perhaps there is financial difficulty, and she knows your husband would not ask her to pitch in for gas etc...there could be tons of reasons unrelated to "an attraction" to your husband.

I have a 30 minute commute to work, and if my car broke down, I have 5 MALE coworkers to choose from ( all live near me), all of whom are married!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Ladies, Don't worry about your husband cheating on you, b/c women cheat more often than men... the reason why we don't hear more about women cheated on their SO, b/c they kept quiet about their affairs...

 

[Sky56]

Didn't I hear somewhere that 60-70% of American husbands have cheated on their wives and 30% of American wives have cheated on their husbands? If this really is true, the situation seems quite dismal. No wonder I've noticed that most relationships, including platonic ones, have expiration dates.

 

[kenny]

Didn't I hear somewhere that 60-70% of American husbands have cheated on their wives and 30% of American wives have cheated on their husbands?

Not that I'm any math expert ... but how could more husbands than wives cheat?

Are the men ... uhm ... stepping out with ... each other?

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Didn't I hear somewhere that 60-70% of American husbands have cheated on their wives and 30% of American wives have cheated on their husbands?

Not that I'm any math expert ... but how could more husbands than wives cheat?

Are the men ... uhm ... stepping out with ... each other?

Not every woman is married, you know

 

[ckrickett]

I am going to speak from the other side. AS someone who cheated on an ex...kind of a weird story. Very personal too, so excuse my run on sentences and jumbled paragraphs. and my grammar...ignore that grammar!

About 9 years ago I was in a committed relationship (however we were not engaged, were not living together, no co-mingled accounts, and still in college ) There was love, passion and friendship But absolutely NO communication. It took a toll on our relationship once which ended it, but when we got back we talked and I thought all had been fixed. a few months of happiness and he started to recede back into his shell (if he was mad, or upset he would cut contact with me for weeks, and one time months. No texts, phone calls or emails... nothing. All with no warning either). He had started blowing me off and rarely answering my texts and I was getting pretty down. We usually texted a few times a day and talked on the phone a few times a week and had dates on the weekends because of our school schedules and work schedules. A long time friend (a friend I had know at the time for 10 years) started to hang with me and my roommate more frequently. Since my time I spent with my BF was being cute down to one call every 2 weeks and 1 date a month. There was no secret that there was attraction in the past. Feelings started to develop and fast, before I acted or did anything I talked to my then BF telling him he needed to step up and get out of this shell and we needed to work on our relationship because I was starting to fall for my friend. He just laughed it off, he knew how much I cared about him, and thought that he could continue acting like a spoiled child and all would be ok. I was a doormat, or a toy he could put on the shelf until he was ready to play again. Well my friend and I ended up kissing, and having a pseudo dating thing going on (nothing to bad, no sex just hand holding and kissing) But the entire time I let my BF know. There was never any secrets. And I told him I couldn't break up with him, and if he wanted to end it he needed to break up with me. I never lied, never kept anything from him, he knew everything that went on. My friend knew how tied to my BF I was and understood that I couldn't just break up with him, and my BF knew the whole time I was also dating my friend. It was hard on all of us and in the end I ended up losing both of them (sort of I'll get into that later). I totally understood losing them both at the time, and took full responsibility. It was after all because of my actions.

My cheating ruined that relationship and the stress and anxiety of that situation took me to a very dark place for a year. When I crawled out of that pit I had a new relationship with a pretty great guy. I started hanging out with my friend again but at the time we were both in a relationship with people we loved. I was open and honest with my then BF about my infidelity in the past, and that I would NEVER cheat on him because he was not the person my ex was. Any jealousy or issues he had with that were addressed, he also had a few friends which he hooked up with and wanted to hook up with him hang around him so it wasn't one sided. We always talked about the issues, although he could hang out with the girls whenever he wanted but if I hung out with my friend he got weird.Then we started to fight every day (not about jealousy mind you, just little things that boiled over like housework and bills) I still would never (and never once) even thought about cheating or leaving. Because he was there, even when we fought we still communicated and were there for each other (unlike my last ex). We ended up breaking up because we did not work out well, which is fine. He met a lovely woman and married her and I am honestly super happy for him.... and me, I married that friend.

We were together for 5 years and although I had cheated before in the past (with him) we had trust issues with each other to over come. I cheated on my first love with him, because in some way I knew he was meant for me, and there was weird ties. and I could have married my other ex, and been happy and completely faithful, but part of my heart would always belong to my friend. So when we officially dated we had a lot of trust and barrier to build and work on. I trust him completely (some issues dealing with the first time we started dating) and he had some with me.


There was a few years in there were it was hard, we had a lot to overcome jealousy, trust, baggage, former loves... a lot. But after we weathered storm after storm we knew that what we had was special. Although he (obviously) knows I cheated in the past we both understand WHY the cheating happened. And he does have some female friends that are very fond (and a little to touchy sometimes) with him, I know and trust him, as he knows and trusts me to do what is honorable and right. It took a long time to overcome trust, jealousy and communication issues with exes and ourselves, but after a long hard road (and the journey isn't over) we are comfortable and trusting in each other.

 

[sonnyjane]

^^^ in the scenario you describe above - a college bf you didn't live with that would only talk to you once every couple of weeks and only go on a date with you once a month - I don't think I could even consider that my "boyfriend" at that point and I wish you wouldn't have. It sounds like you put up with a lot more than you should have. You should have dumped him before having another relationship but I don't see that as being the same as what's been written about as far as marriages go.

 

[MMtwo]

Let me preface this: I am old and in some ways old school. I didn't start out that way at all. I was very laid back when it came to the topic of jealousy and trust. Even now I am trusting, but I have learned from unfortunate experiences where there is smoke, you need to do a quick fire check.

I have had two marriages that ended due to cheating on the part of my spouse. The first...well, I was 20 and he was 23, newly married and starry eyed and two weeks after we married he confessed his first couple of "mistakes", which I promptly forgave. The next two years were non-stop "events" spaced out about 6 months each. I eventually left.

I married again in 2008 to a man I loved and adored. At 6 months post marriage I received a warning letter from his ex girlfriend telling me he was a cheater (I discounted this). I discounted this because he was a wonderful and attentive husband. By the end of the next 6 months, after a sudden and bizarre turn of events, I found he was planning to run away to St. Louis and be with his ex high-school sweetheart (and take me!). I found out he was bipolar (had not told me) and apparently things changed quickly for him. So, in less than a year my fabulous marriage was over without a whimper or a sign. I was absolutely broken for a while.

Here is what saved me: a wonderful dad. I had to think about men and decide if the whole bunch were poison or if I just picked a couple of rotten apples. My dad was a loving and very ethical man and when I thought about him, I knew that there were good men in the world. He gave me hope...enough to try again.

What we "know" if based on what we have experienced and what we have seen. I am still trusting. I have no issues with my almost fiance with trust. Saying that, if the warning bells are going off, I know to listen carefully.

I think one should always listen to their intuition. When it rings alarm bells, stop and pay attention.
There are a couple of possibilities when this happens. Face the feeling and try to find the root.

Possibility 1
It may just be one's own past bad experiences and fears rearing up in an innocent situation. This is the worriers problem and needs to be addressed. Jealousy without basis drives a couple apart.

Possibility 2
if I am upset and can't "settle" the feelings back down, it has been because one of my core boundaries have been violated. It could be a ride with another woman to work. This would not bother me once or twice. Text messages back and forth are a little overblown for a simple ride to work. Calling attention to them and asking me to understand and worrying about being "transparent", along with more than one ride....hmmmmm. A ride to work should not entail more than one text message, "See you at 7". Back and forth chatting...no bueno.

If it feels funny, pay attention to that feeling. The behavior is questionable. It could be innocent, but sometimes even the appearance of something questionable is a bad idea. For instance, when darling hubby gets to work with the co-worker, people may make unkind assumptions too.

 

[zoebartlett]

My husband and I aren't jealous people. Neither one of us really have friends of the opposite sex, but if we did, I can't imagine either of us being okay with giving up a friendship just because one of us was jealous. Depending on the situation, if it came up, I'm sure we'd talk about it though. I work with mostly women, and my husband works from home, so our situation is a bit different. We trust one another, and we wouldn't forbid the other from hanging out with, getting lunch or coffee with, or traveling/sharing a car ride with someone of the opposite sex. I don't understand that way of thinking. Neither one of us have cheated, so our radars aren't up.

 

[nkarma]

My husband and I aren't jealous people either. I would actually be quite surprised if he cheated on me....not the cheating part, but because he has a very black and white personality and considers cheating to be wrong.

I do not really understand asking a grown adult who vowed not to be with other people to then limit their contact or completely avoid being alone with 50% of the world's population. I do not think asking someone that would really have any effect either way on whether they did or did not do what you wanted them too. I respect and trust that the person I married is an adult and can say no to offers of sex if he wants. I also agree with another poster who said that we both know what the consequences for our relationship would be if we do cheat and therefore, consciously don't do it.

I also am not really too scared of his cheating, because I am not sure how much it would actually bother me and I do not think it would be a dealbreaker. If he was engaging in unsafe sex that could affect me, that would really bother me. If he was sleeping with prostitutes who are some of the most abused/harmed members of society, I would be upset that he would take advantage of a person who has had the roughest life there is. I know my husband quite well though and I do not see him doing either of these things. If he did, we would discuss.

 

[MMtwo]

^^^ in the scenario you describe above - a college bf you didn't live with that would only talk to you once every couple of weeks and only go on a date with you once a month - I don't think I could even consider that my "boyfriend" at that point and I wish you wouldn't have. It sounds like you put up with a lot more than you should have. You should have dumped him before having another relationship but I don't see that as being the same as what's been written about as far as marriages go.

+1

 

[livannie]

Thanks for the good advice money meister. Sorry you had to go through all that but I am glad you found love again.
I have never been cheated on but a lot of people in my family have, like grandparents, aunts, uncles, my mom and they all have told me to protect my marriage. If my husband decided to cheat on me one day, there would be nothing I could do about it. That would be his choice.
But I don't think I should be OK with him being in situations where something could start. If his coworker had an emergency and couldn't get to work once or twice, I think I should be able to understand that but if it becomes a common occurrence, I feel I would have to put my foot down. They are not even friends, He has never talked about her before with me and now all of a sudden she has been calling and texting multiple times for him to pick her up? It's not that I don't trust my husband. I just don't like it

 

[momhappy]

My husband and I aren't jealous people either. I would actually be quite surprised if he cheated on me....not the cheating part, but because he has a very black and white personality and considers cheating to be wrong.

I do not really understand asking a grown adult who vowed not to be with other people to then limit their contact or completely avoid being alone with 50% of the world's population. I do not think asking someone that would really have any effect either way on whether they did or did not do what you wanted them too. I respect and trust that the person I married is an adult and can say no to offers of sex if he wants. I also agree with another poster who said that we both know what the consequences for our relationship would be if we do cheat and therefore, consciously don't do it.

I also am not really too scared of his cheating, because I am not sure how much it would actually bother me and I do not think it would be a dealbreaker. If he was engaging in unsafe sex that could affect me, that would really bother me. If he was sleeping with prostitutes who are some of the most abused/harmed members of society, I would be upset that he would take advantage of a person who has had the roughest life there is. I know my husband quite well though and I do not see him doing either of these things. If he did, we would discuss.

I think that these types of situations depend heavily on various circumstances. For many of us, having platonic friendships and/or business relationships with the opposite sex, does not require a discussion about limiting and/or ending those relationships. However, there might be special circumstances in which those scenarios might become uncomfortable. I can appreciate the fact that OP feels sensitive about the fact that she doesn't get to spend much time with her DH and that her DH seems to spend a fair amount of time giving the same woman a ride to work (when there are others who could be giving her a ride). I wouldn't necessarily put my foot down and tell my grown husband to end the relationship, but I would keep the lines of communication open with my DH about the situation. To me, cheating can be about more than just physical intimacy, it can be emotional too. It's wise to be aware of scenarios that could foster relationships that have the potential for emotional connections that form out of circumstance (like working together all day, regular rides to work, etc.). I agree that having trust & respect is critical to any successful relationship, but I also think that couples need to maintain awareness and open communication about certain things (and this is one of them).

 

[TooPatient]

My husband and I aren't jealous people either. I would actually be quite surprised if he cheated on me....not the cheating part, but because he has a very black and white personality and considers cheating to be wrong.

I do not really understand asking a grown adult who vowed not to be with other people to then limit their contact or completely avoid being alone with 50% of the world's population. I do not think asking someone that would really have any effect either way on whether they did or did not do what you wanted them too. I respect and trust that the person I married is an adult and can say no to offers of sex if he wants. I also agree with another poster who said that we both know what the consequences for our relationship would be if we do cheat and therefore, consciously don't do it.

I also am not really too scared of his cheating, because I am not sure how much it would actually bother me and I do not think it would be a dealbreaker. If he was engaging in unsafe sex that could affect me, that would really bother me. If he was sleeping with prostitutes who are some of the most abused/harmed members of society, I would be upset that he would take advantage of a person who has had the roughest life there is. I know my husband quite well though and I do not see him doing either of these things. If he did, we would discuss.

I think that these types of situations depend heavily on various circumstances. For many of us, having platonic friendships and/or business relationships with the opposite sex, does not require a discussion about limiting and/or ending those relationships. However, there might be special circumstances in which those scenarios might become uncomfortable. I can appreciate the fact that OP feels sensitive about the fact that she doesn't get to spend much time with her DH and that her DH seems to spend a fair amount of time giving the same woman a ride to work (when there are others who could be giving her a ride). I wouldn't necessarily put my foot down and tell my grown husband to end the relationship, but I would keep the lines of communication open with my DH about the situation. To me, cheating can be about more than just physical intimacy, it can be emotional too. It's wise to be aware of scenarios that could foster relationships that have the potential for emotional connections that form out of circumstance (like working together all day, regular rides to work, etc.). I agree that having trust & respect is critical to any successful relationship, but I also think that couples need to maintain awareness and open communication about certain things (and this is one of them).

Well said, MomHappy.

 

[TooPatient]

I've been thinking about this thread lots the last couple of days. One thought I had is that I think part of it has to do with what is "normal" at work. Which is to say that some work places have lots of women working there and it is routine to socialize with people. Where DH just left, there are very few females so he'd mostly have to go out of his way to find them and it is more normal for people to not talk much. Even those who do chat about stuff do so in the form of e-mail.... even from right across the hall. The company also has a bus service so it would be unnecessary to ask anyone for a ride.

Clearly that isn't the full thing. It is like MomHappy just said in her post. There is more than just the physical.

I think some men (and women) are good at recognizing tones of voice, behaviors, body language, etc and others just aren't. I think it is also really easy for things to sort of creep up on you and neither party is aware of it until it is well past the bounds of okay. Avoiding situations where that could occur seems like good precaution and shows respect for your marriage and family.

 

[MMtwo]

I have trust issues. So take this with a grain of salt. I've been cheated on before by ex-boyfriends.

A person can cheat even while being seemingly 'transparent'. One ex-boyfriend cheated on me with a girl who was in another relationship (they were both cheating, special) and he would give her rides and tell me about it every time, so I wouldn't feel jealous. And I thought... wow, what a great guy... all the while they were shacking up at every opportunity. Where there is intent to cheat, there will be a way.

First, read this: http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503 It was recommended to my husband and me as part of just general per-marital counseling, but I found it be by far the most interesting and informative book on how to PREVENT infidelity.

I FULLY believe that VERY FEW infidelities occur just because a person has impulse control issues, or one spouse just wanting variety. And instead I believe that the reason most infidelities occur (and I will likely get flamed for this) is because of a lack or issue in the relationship. Some need not being met. Not because the third party was irresistible or was magically perfect. I think if you strengthen your relationship from the inside out and make it rock solid, that is the best way to avoid infidelity.

And that book really both of us to do that with our marriage.

Just to explain before someone flames me... when I say 'some need not being met'... I don't mean that as an excuse for infidelity. Being unfaithful is a BAD and WRONG reaction to such a lack. A correct way to deal with a need not being met is to talk to your spouse and work with them about what you need. NOT to cheat on them. BUT... I do believe that most of the time people cheating is a SYMPTOM of a larger problem. NOT the problem itself.

That's ALL I meant by that.

Gypsy, thanks for the recommendation on "Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering". I just added it to my Kindle bookshelf.