Social events

[CJ2008]

I've always been an introverted person and have always disliked big groups and parties...and for the most part I also disliked birthday parties, etc. I went, I did what I needed to do, but was always kind of counting down the time to when I could leave or be alone.

(BTW if you didn't know this about me, you'd never guess it...I am talkative, lively, etc.)

But as I get older it is getting more and more that even situations that once felt comfortable now give me anxiety, or I just want to do them even less than I did before. My parents are throwing a party to celebrate that they came into some money (and as some of you know I have some issues going on with that) and my father's birthday from a few weeks ago - and I just don't want to go to this party. I have mixed feelings about them throwing it in the first place but it's more than that...it's like I just don't feel comfortable anywhere - I just dread going. And DH is working and can't go so that doesn't help. It's going to be all of their friends and I just don't want to go But not going isn't an option, I feel like I've said "no" to a lot of invitations lately and perhaps also I'm afraid my parents will be embarrassed/hurt if I don't go.

Once I get there it is often - maybe most times - OK...but I am starting to feel like if I had rock-solid excuses I'd be turning down every single invitation lately.

I know this is probably so foreign to most of you. I am often so awed by people who feel comfortable with people Does anybody else go through this kind of thing? Even family gatherings lately don't feel "easy" like they used to.

 

[Sky56]

Re: Dreading social events

What you write sounds very "normal and average" to me because my husband could have written that. He appears happy and gregarious, but at the core he feels shy and suffers from social anxiety and he flat out dreads big parties and social events where there are a lot of people he doesn't know. He feels it has gotten worse lately.

I feel the same way, but to a lesser extreme. I always need an escape route. An out-of-town family member always throws big parties when we and other family members come to visit. They invite a lot of friends and friends of friends. My husband and I find it hard and annoying though it does have its fun aspects. I deal with it by escaping to one of their basement bedrooms several times during the party and go on my tablet.

We prefer small gatherings where we are with close friends. I do enjoy meeting strangers, but I always feel so awkward at big parties.

We both sometimes do white lies when we are invited to those gatherings and would just prefer to stay home and watch TV.

I also believe if there is something you hate to do, that it is OK to not do it. it doesn't matter if it may look weird to others, or if one feels guilty for not wanting to do something that causes a lot of anxiety.

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Dreading social events

What you write sounds very "normal and average" to me because my husband could have written that. He appears happy and gregarious, but at the core he feels shy and suffers from social anxiety and he flat out dreads big parties and social events where there are a lot of people he doesn't know. He feels it has gotten worse lately.

I feel the same way, but to a lesser extreme. I always need an escape route. An out-of-town family member always throws big parties when we and other family members come to visit. They invite a lot of friends and friends of friends. My husband and I find it hard and annoying though it does have its fun aspects. I deal with it by escaping to one of their basement bedrooms several times during the party and go on my tablet.

We prefer small gatherings where we are with close friends. I do enjoy meeting strangers, but I always feel so awkward at big parties.

We both sometimes do white lies when we are invited to those gatherings and would just prefer to stay home and watch TV.

I also believe if there is something you hate to do, that it is OK to not do it. it doesn't matter if it may look weird to others, or if one feels guilty for not wanting to do something that causes a lot of anxiety.

I agree it's ok not to do some things...and believe me, I find ways to get out of as many social gatherings as possible. the thing is sometimes I'm afraid if I have it my way I will have human interaction only with DH! Not that there's anything wrong with that but I do also try to remember that people who are not like me need more of me to keep the bond/relationship/friendship going. I guess sometimes I try to remind myself that I sometimes have to make the effort.

I just notice it getting more pronounced lately. I guess I'm afraid it will get so bad that I will dread every single social event. I'm afraid of my own mind sometimes. Sometimes I want to just "be"! Like get invited somewhere and actually look forward to it, you know?

 

[iluvshinythings]

I almost could have written this myself. I have a lot of anxiety about social events and I haven't always been this way. If it were left up to me, I'd have lunch with friends once in a while and be happy. I don't mind attending family events but DH's family gets together frequently and I'd be happy seeing them about half as often. Other functions stress me out and I try to make excuses if I can. Then I feel super guilty because I caved and made an excuse instead of making myself go. If I have to attend and don't have an excuse I go and make an exit ASAP but I feel super anxious from the time I receive the invitation until the time I leave the event.

I remember when I was a child that my grandfather never attended parties and events. My parents always said he disliked crowds. Now I wonder if social anxiety is genetic although neither of my parents seem to have it.

DH is very sociable and loves to be around people. I encourage him to go and do his thing. I try to make myself do social stuff with him about half the time and let him go by himself the other half. He's very sweet about it and doesn't make me feel awkward either way. Again, I feel really guilty about not wanting to go and feeling anxious.

Alcohol does help with the anxiety but there's a thin line between being more sociable and being obnoxious for me.

I wish I could help but it's a struggle for me too.

 

[kenny]

Just don't go.
You don't have to explain.

Introversion/extroversion is fascinating and our society is mostly ignorant, or worse, about the topic.

My analyst told me something that resonated.
She said an extrovert is someone who gets their batteries charged by being around people.
They are the last to leave a party when it ends and wishes there was another to go to.
Their batteries get drained by being alone.
An introvert is someone who gets their batteries charged by being alone and drained by being around people.

Sadly, instead of respecting diversity, American society celebrates and rewards extroversion and looks down on, and is even uncomfortable with, introversion.
New stories never miss the opportunity to point out how the gunman was a loner ... funny they don't mention when the gunner was an outgoing person.
I heard about a teacher of a small child telling the mother that her kid was an introvert.
The mother was furious, saying, "There's nothing wrong with my child!"
People just vary, some are intros, some are extros.

I hear in Japan introversion is admired as extroversion is in America.

It's not black and white.
Nobody is 100% either.
It's more like a continuum between the two on which you fall, and you may move in either direction during your life.
It's okay.

I've always been an introvert and have become MUCH more introverted in my 50s.
I socialize very little and I love it.
I'm so happy to not shive a git if people judge me for it.

 

[VRBeauty]

I'm a bit of an introvert myself. I manage gatherings fairly well, particularly gatherings with people I know, but I often feel out of place, and at any gathering there will be some moments in which I just want to not. be. there. Or many moments... or in some cases the whole it will be the whole time.

If it seems to you that your discomfort is getting worse, and you're concerned about it, then it might be time to explore it with a counselor.

As to the party your parents are throwing... it sounds like you want to do your daughterly duty but without actually having to be there. could you just make a brief appearance? If they're throwing a dinner, get there late enough to skip the pre-dinner mingling, and then slip out quietly after the introductions and a bit of dinner?

ETA - I agree with Kenny that saying "no" is also an option, especially given that you have misgivings about the nature of this party. Frankly based on what you've told us about this situation,I'd consider skipping it too. But - you know the situation better, and what this party means to your parents, and it seems you've decided that your absence would be a problem. My suggestion responds to what seems to be your desire to be there in spite of your discomfort.

 

[packrat]

Oof that sucks. Can you go and then not stay long? Maybe "something" is going on that you need to leave after a certain length of time, be home by X time b/c of...something. We've done that before. It's easier if it's something the kids come along to-cuz they have to be home and in bed by a certain time of course . Having the kids there also gives me someone else to focus on. I am much happier alone, or...well, I guess I'm never *alone* alone, I'm alone w/the kids, so I should say...I'm happier when I'm not socializing. It's fine when my parents, brother and aunt/uncle come, we have supper, maybe a drink, visit a while. That's about the extent of what I can handle.

I will say I am a bit more comfortable after having forced myself to be on stage and perform in Les Mis the beginning of the summer. It was a huge cast of about 80 or so people, and I knew about 4 of them when we started. Spending 3 months with all of those people, and performing in front of over 200 nightly for 8 nights, helped a little bit. When I told people I was making myself do it b/c of social anxiety, they of course thought I was crazy for doing it, but said they wouldn't have guessed that I have a hard time around people--so that made me feel more comfortable too, since I was apparently hiding it so well!

 

[momhappy]

I wouldn't call it "normal or average" as Sky56 said - not that I would necessarily consider it abnormal either. I think that whether or not it would be considered normal or abnormal would depend on to what extent it has a negative impact on one's life and in what ways. For example, if the events create so much anxiety that it impedes daily function, causes distractions at work, etc. then it could be problematic. Likewise, if the desire to avoid social situations results in things like loss of friendships, a rift between spouses (because one spouse is social & one is not), etc. then again, that could be a problem that might need to be addressed.
I'm sorry that you hare having difficulty with this sort of thing. You mentioned that you can't chose not to go to your parent's event and I was curious as to why that is? You are a grown adult who should have the ability to make her own choices. Sure, your parents might be hurt, but that's part of life sometimes and we need to choose what's in our best interest (as opposed to the best interest of others).

 

[Circe]

I'm another one who's an introvert ... more of one then I realized, though maybe it comes and goes. I remember when I took the Meyer-Briggs, I got something like 49% extrovert, 51% introvert, which seemed about right: like Kenny said, I completely fit the definition of somebody who would feel drained by group interactions (but still thought they were worth it, sort of like how, oh, rock climbing, will drain me but I still find it completely worthwhile, a pleasant exhaustion). The funny thing is, I feel recharged by one-on-one encounters with the people I care for. This is something I've actually been thinking about a lot: my best friend came to live with us a year ago, and pondering the dynamics it takes to make us all happy has been fascinating, as she and my husband are both extroverts, but I'm introvert enough that I need regular one-on-one time with every person in the house - romantic time with the husband, girl's night-ish activities with my BF, and time alone with my baby - if I want to feel completely happy. Family dinner is all well and good, but you just don't get to have real conversations that way! Or, at least not by my lights.

The funny thing is, I used to be a party monster in my 20s: I was totally the girl shutting the party down on a regular basis, and I adored going to conferences where it would be almost all-day socializing, with only an hour or two put aside to recharge. I think the trick/difference between then and now is simple enough: I used to be a smoker. It almost always guaranteed that I'd wind up at mini-parties within parties, where I wasn't trying to deal with 25 people simultaneously ... just the five already outside, or the good friends who wanted to continue the good conversation enough to accompany me into the cold, or what-have-you. Now that I don't have that kind of an escape hatch, I find it more wearying to go into large gatherings. Ironic that something that's improved my health has diminished my joie de vivre! But, fair enough - I'll just have to think of a way to recreate the scenario without indulging in the bad habit ....

 

[kenny]

I don't hate people.
I love people, just one at at time.
Add a third person and everything changes.
I no longer want to be there.

Obviously I do some multi-people things.
I just prefer to be alone or with only one person.

"Socializing" on Internet fora is perfect.

 

[arkieb1]

This could have been written about me as well. And that is a wonderful explanation Kenny because I totally get "drained" being around lots of people and my husband is the complete opposite he loves lots of noise, has the TV, the radio on, must be around people I've always thought of it for validation but perhaps your analyst describes it more accurately "to recharge" whereas it does the opposite for me. It's created quite a lot of tension over the years both of us coming to terms that we are polar opposites of each other in this respect.

I also find it difficult with a 6 year old that has lots of friends at school and also loves being around lots of people - I want to encourage him to have lots of friends but this means that I frequently have to learn ways to become more comfortable around groups of parents. I'm usually the one looking for the closest escape path....

 

[missy]

CJ, I understand how you are feeling. I think I would be fine if we never had another social engagement with more than a couple at a time vs a social gathering/party with many people. My dh is the extroverted one who loves chatting with many people whereas my preference is really just one on one.

While I prefer one on one social interaction I can hold my own during parties it is not my first choice. I can only take larger gatherings for shorter periods of time and while I usually enjoy myself at a party I prefer more intimate gatherings.

So on the spectrum I am in the middle of introvert and extrovert as confirmed by the Meyers Briggs test which I just retook. I'm an ESFJ but 1% extrovert and 1% sensing so really marginal on both those meaning characteristics of more than one personality type apply to me. I'm an enigma. I knew it.

Go to your parents party but either go early (my trick because you are there before it gets crazy crowded) and stay for a short while and then leave knowing you made a much welcome appearance or go late and leave early. Whichever works best for you. I hope you end up enjoying it.

 

[kenny]

Arrive early to a party?

For our rare parties I'm busy preparing right up till the last minute.
I murder such inconsiderate people.

Seriously I'd say, "Sorry we're not ready for guests. Please come back at the stated time."

If they thought I was rude, Fvck em.
They were the rude one.

 

[missy]

Arrive early to a party?

For our rare parties I'm busy preparing right up till the last minute.
I murder such inconsiderate people.

Seriously I'd say, "Sorry we're not ready for guests. Please come back at the stated time."

If they thought I was rude, Fvck em.
They were the rude one.

Not early before the party starts but early as if the party starts at 5PM I show up at 5:15 PM. Most guests come much later than the actual given start times and I just meant if you go early you get there before it is crowded and can enjoy some quality time with the host/hostess and other timely arrivals.
Sorry I wasn't clear about that. I would never come before the party was supposed to start!

 

[kenny]

Whey, Missy.
Now you get to live.

 

[Sky56]

I've noticed for years that I eat tons of food when I'm at those parties. The social anxiety coupled with a big spread of goodies turns me into a hog at a trough. I figure I might as well enjoy the food with gusto. Just about everybody there is drinking alcohol. I'm a teetotaler, so I don't get the benefits of its properties of social lubrication.

 

[arkieb1]

Arrive early to a party?

For our rare parties I'm busy preparing right up till the last minute.
I murder such inconsiderate people.

Seriously I'd say, "Sorry we're not ready for guests. Please come back at the stated time."

If they thought I was rude, Fvck em.
They were the rude one.

A mother (and her son) turned up to my son's 5th birthday party 35 to 40 mins early and then she stood inside my house shrieking hysterically (no I am not kidding) because one of my dogs was out in our yard. I breed Scottish terriers, at the time we had 5 of them, I had caught and locked 4 away so they would not jump on the children but one dog was being naughty and I had not caught her yet. The difficult to catch dog was outside in the yard hiding in the bushes. The mother who turned up early is really badly afraid of all dogs even small non biting ones, which I did not know until she turned up way before all the other guests at my house.....

So while I was supposed to be preparing food, I had this woman having a shrieking panic attack in my house and I was outside tangled in the bushes trying to catch a dog that did not want to be caught and sensed/knew there was about to be some fun.

I think I walked back inside with larges amounts of leaves and sticks tangled in my hair hot and sweating (it was the middle of summer) after 20/25 mins of chasing the dog and finally catching it swearing (not so quietly under my breath) about it

I get that kids and people are allergic to food, but I have no idea why she would come to my house with an intense fear of dogs when she knew beforehand, that I bred dogs I guess in this case most of the drama occurred before everyone else arrived

 

[movie zombie]

wait and see how you feel.
if you're not up for it, you're not up for it.
call and tell them you're sick....ebola?
no, but seriously, like Kenny said you don't owe any explanations.
if you feel you must put in an appearance do so and quietly leave.

I too have always been uncomfortable at "events".
now that i'm 66 I rarely put myself into any situation that is uncomfortable for me.

really you don't have to do this if you don't want to.
it is an opportunity for you spend some quality time with yourself at home.
if your parents feel awkward that is their problem, not yours.

 

[momhappy]

Arrive early to a party?

For our rare parties I'm busy preparing right up till the last minute.
I murder such inconsiderate people.

Seriously I'd say, "Sorry we're not ready for guests. Please come back at the stated time."

If they thought I was rude, Fvck em.
They were the rude one.

Not early before the party starts but early as if the party starts at 5PM I show up at 5:15 PM. Most guests come much later than the actual given start times and I just meant if you go early you get there before it is crowded and can enjoy some quality time with the host/hostess and other timely arrivals.
Sorry I wasn't clear about that. I would never come before the party was supposed to start!

Well, I'm glad that you clarified, but even someone showing up on time (or relatively close to it) would be an unwelcome shock to me. Like Kenny, I use every last minute to prepare, so those who come early would be an annoyance. Thankfully, all of my friends are "fashionably" late

 

[missy]

When we throw parties I appreciate when guests arrive in a timely fashion i.e. not hours late. It depends on the type of party and if food is being served as we are not running a restaurant and I also think it is disrespectful to show up hours after the start of the event. When our friends show up around the time the gathering is called for it shows me they want to be there and they respect the time we asked them to come.

While I do not want people arriving before the time the party is called for (no one has ever done that to us thankfully) I also don't appreciate people coming 2 hours late unless I know about it beforehand and am expecting it. Showing up late (more than an hour in my opinion depending on the circumstances) is just rude and bad mannered IMO.


It's funny because I do not consider myself a big party person and organizing parties are a lot of work but when all is said and done I enjoy that aspect of them as well as only inviting the people I want to be there. So being in control of the environment, the food, the music and the guest list has its good points vs just being a guest at someone else's party. Of course the biggest positive point about being just a guest is the fact that you can leave anytime you want! And that there is no mess left behind.

And while we are discussing this (hope it's OK with you CJ) how do you feel about guests who just don't know when to leave? I mean take a hint already lol. Those stragglers at the end.

CJ, let us know what you decide and how it goes if you attend. Could you bring a good friend to go with you because that might allow you to feel more comfortable and enjoy it a bit more.


ETA: https://www.themuse.com/advice/the-etiquette-rules-of-being-on-time

 

[zoebartlett]

I think it's very common to dread the thought of going to social events due to social anxiety in some form or another. It may help to push yourself to go anyway and even if you still disagree with the premise for your parents throwing this particular party, you might end up being glad you went. You may have fun catching up and chatting with others. With any gathering that I might not want to attend for various reasons, I try to put aside my own feelings and go to support my friends or family. Nine times out of ten, I'm glad I did it.

Oh, one other thing. If there's something I'm not looking forward to attending, I tell myself that I can deal with it for a certain amount of time (1 hour, 2 hours, whatever). Most of the time, once I'm there, I end up feeling better and I stay longer than I thought I might.

I just found out that a close relative of my husband's isn't going to my husband's niece's wedding. He just doesn't want to go, and I think it's because he gets anxious in large gatherings/crowds, he has a hard time hearing in those types of situations, and maybe he gets tired. I don't really know. He announced one day recently that he was retiring from family get-togethers. While I completely understand his feelings and have had some of them at times myself, I think this is one of those times where he should push himself to attend to show his support and love for his relative on her wedding day. While this probably doesn't apply to your situation necessarily, CJ, your initial post reminded me of this.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I feel much the same way you do. I am usually ok once I am there. I always tell myself that I only have to make an appearance and if I am not having fun or enjoying it, I can leave. Give yourself the option. You may feel you have to go but you don't have to stay long. An appearance is enough.

I am surprised by the amount of us who feel this way. I would say I am pretty outgoing. I used to tell my husband, when I was younger how social situations made me feel, how nervous I was, and how relieved I was when it was over, and he was so shocked. He always said he could never tell. I guess that is a good thing. I love being by myself for the most part, having grown up with a working mom and being alone a lot.

 

[MarionC]

I'm an introvert and used to feel tortured in social situations. As I've gotten older I realize that no one is really paying attention to me. I could stand in the corner with my bathing suit on backwards and I doubt that anyone would really notice or care.

At a recent event I didn't know a soul - except the person who invited me - and he was up on stage.
I put on my brave-hat & just walked up to someone sitting alone and asked her how she knew the host. I didn't have to say another word.
I was uncomfortable, but I've gotten used to that being how I am.

you know - - - the old "what the hell" frame of mind. I tend to focus on the food a lot : ) Other than that it's mostly smile and nod.

I think it's good to do these things - with a little plan. Maybe approach someone who looks alone or lost and make them feel better : )
Then see how it works - you know, more like you are an observing scientist than a guest.

wishing you well!

 

[CJ2008]

iluvshinythings - DH understands me most of the time. But sometimes I think he *still* thinks I could become extroverted if only I allowed myself.

kenny - Yup, I love people, but one at a time (or 2 max, if I really like and feel comfortable with both of them) and in measured time doses. I guess I'd be pretty cool in Japan! I'd feel like extroverts feel here, totally accepted (sounds so nice and comforting). And yes, interacting on fora is awesome.

Do you (or anybody) know if having introverted tendencies also relate or have anything to do with being more selfish? I'm curious.

VR - hi I love how you often suggest counseling (I think you did so in the other thread about my parents) because you're absolutely right. Everything we deal with start and end with how we deal with them. I've been to counseling at all different times throughout my life and some of the biggest moves I've made have been as a result of a good counselor and or books, believe it or not (and my willingness to listen and try different behaviors, of course). I think what's kept me from pursuing it this time is that the last couple I've been to in the area weren't any good. But I can look again since it's been a while.

packrat - you know what it is? I've done it ALL. I've done the sick thing, I've done the "I can't get there until much later" thing, I've done the "I need to leave to feed the cats thing" and all other kinds of things that sometimes truly I've run out and feel like I just need to...go...and stay. And even when I have visitors, yes, dinner, drinks, all nice...but after about 3-4 hours I crave for alone time. Except for my sister and niece I can handle them for 2-3 days but they're just awesome. And I do have to say that with my niece going into her teens and my sister acting like a teen herself sometimes lately it feels like I can handle them less.

momhappy - yeah, I think Sky said "normal or average" to HER. I think for the most part most of us realize it's NOT average - although I think lately there has been more awareness of what introversion means and that it IS normal for some people. And I do agree with you that "normal" is not so black and white. Maybe it's normal to me not to see people for 6 months but if it causes me tons of anxiety or breaks up my marriage maybe it needs to be looked into (although maybe it's just an issue of compatibility or not being able to stand up for oneself and explain things - so maybe not a problem with the introversion itself).

Circe - no way do you get to have regular conversations that way. Not likely to anyway. Not the ones that get so deep that people admit every thought no matter how dark or scary or weird. Those are the fun conversations.

arkie - yes, don't get me started with the music or the TV needing to be on 24/7. I like quiet...and yes, our differences have created tension throughout the years too. Not always - he's usually pretty understanding. But sometimes when my feelings carry over into even his best friends or his family...sometimes he doesn't get it or wishes I was different.

And even though I've accepted myself more in the last few years I can't help to feel bad or "miserable or b*tchy or anti-social" sometimes especially compared to DH (and to most other people) who also loves to be around people and sharing and doing things for people. It just seems so much...NICER to want to be around others

 

[CJ2008]

missy - the only reason I don't want to show up early (and yes this is a dinner thing and in my family that actually means at THE TIME they've told you or else you're in big trouble - so when they say 3 P.M. your butt better be there 3:00 P.M. or by 3:15 the latest and even that might get you a few looks! ) is that my sister and niece will be going and they can't get there until a little later. So I'd rather be there when they're there. Thanks for your well wishes. (and yes, as you can see I've resigned myself to going)

MZ - ebola I know it's serious stuff but that was funny I know you're right. But like I told packrat I feel like I've skipped enough invitations and this one's a must. The thing with me is that I could spend weeks or months alone in the house and I would still need one more day.

Zoe - yes - I think sometimes that's why we do things...to show support, etc. And I do have to push myself for those. But actually I find it exhausting because the more people you know the more invitations and birthdays and occasions. It never ends, really. Seriously that's why I go through a lot of effort to keep my circle TINY. But of course DH always ruins it with his friendly loving self.

 

[CJ2008]

luv2sparkle - same here - I usually have an "end time" and I know that before I even leave for the party. It's usually what keeps me sane, knowing when I will leave. I don't know if this has happened to you but it's happened to me A LOT - where people will make a HUGE deal of your leaving. Everyone you go to will say Why are you leaving? Why so early? I know they mean well but it makes it sooooo anxiety producing to say you're leaving. I think this has added to my anxiety over the years.

jimmyanne - yes, I usually look for that one person to bond/connect with, or to help...I do find that sometimes I get lucky. But that just eating and nodding drives me crazy anxious for the whole time I'm there. I guess I feel like if I'm quiet it's so no the persona I have imagined for myself and everyone will notice and think I'm weird. So sometimes I talk just to talk and that doesn't go well either. But I do know what you mean - putting the focus OUTSIDE ourselves does help.

 

[zoebartlett]

CJ, yeah, I hear ya. I laughed when I read your comment about needing to leave to go home to feed your cat. I've done that too (and it was a legit reason at the time!), but I felt lame saying it. If I had said that I needed to leave to let the dog out (which we don't have), I wouldn't have felt so...cat ladyish. Ya know? Why is that?

 

[momhappy]

When we throw parties I appreciate when guests arrive in a timely fashion i.e. not hours late. It depends on the type of party and if food is being served as we are not running a restaurant and I also think it is disrespectful to show up hours after the start of the event. When our friends show up around the time the gathering is called for it shows me they want to be there and they respect the time we asked them to come.

While I do not want people arriving before the time the party is called for (no one has ever done that to us thankfully) I also don't appreciate people coming 2 hours late unless I know about it beforehand and am expecting it. Showing up late (more than an hour in my opinion depending on the circumstances) is just rude and bad mannered IMO.


It's funny because I do not consider myself a big party person and organizing parties are a lot of work but when all is said and done I enjoy that aspect of them as well as only inviting the people I want to be there. So being in control of the environment, the food, the music and the guest list has its good points vs just being a guest at someone else's party. Of course the biggest positive point about being just a guest is the fact that you can leave anytime you want! And that there is no mess left behind.

And while we are discussing this (hope it's OK with you CJ) how do you feel about guests who just don't know when to leave? I mean take a hint already lol. Those stragglers at the end.

CJ, let us know what you decide and how it goes if you attend. Could you bring a good friend to go with you because that might allow you to feel more comfortable and enjoy it a bit more.


ETA: https://www.themuse.com/advice/the-etiquette-rules-of-being-on-time

That's true, missy - arriving too early or too late is equally as annoying. I'm okay with folks arriving late, but too late can become rude in certain circumstances

 

[alexah]

100% yes - totally me (too) - everything you said in the first post - everything.

It keeps getting more difficult to force myself to go to gatherings. One of the best things about moving/leaving my job was not having to go to work parties every month. SO draining & uncomfortable. I'm not a big drinker either so there wasn't even that. I used to think it was fun watching other people get smashed but that stopped being fun(ny) years ago. Going to these things was mandatory so not going wasn't an option if you wanted to keep your job.

I know it all goes back to a few people in my family twisting my words and making me sound like an ogre and a few others that are very judgmental... I'm so deathly afraid of saying something innocently and it being misconstrued. It makes me afraid to say anything... and then I keep going over a conversation in my head afterwards, replaying it, critiquing myself, hoping no one is peeved at me. It's so tiring.

I wish I had some good advice. As far as family functions, I just suck it up and go as often as I can stomach it and try to leave early (although that always seems to upset people too) and hope no one is upset with me. I get so much more crap if I give a lame excuse and don't go.

When my brother was around, he freed me; he said "I'm not going. I don't want to go, so I'm not. If you don't want to go, you don't have to & don't let them make you feel badly about it." But I lost him years ago and I lost my backbone with him.

 

[CJ2008]

CJ, yeah, I hear ya. I laughed when I read your comment about needing to leave to go home to feed your cat. I've done that too (and it was a legit reason at the time!), but I felt lame saying it. If I had said that I needed to leave to let the dog out (which we don't have), I wouldn't have felt so...cat ladyish. Ya know? Why is that?

Yes, dogs and kids just sound like much better excuses, don't they?

100% yes - totally me (too) - everything you said in the first post - everything.

It keeps getting more difficult to force myself to go to gatherings. One of the best things about moving/leaving my job was not having to go to work parties every month. SO draining & uncomfortable. I'm not a big drinker either so there wasn't even that. I used to think it was fun watching other people get smashed but that stopped being fun(ny) years ago. Going to these things was mandatory so not going wasn't an option if you wanted to keep your job.

I know it all goes back to a few people in my family twisting my words and making me sound like an ogre and a few others that are very judgmental... I'm so deathly afraid of saying something innocently and it being misconstrued. It makes me afraid to say anything... and then I keep going over a conversation in my head afterwards, replaying it, critiquing myself, hoping no one is peeved at me. It's so tiring.

I wish I had some good advice. As far as family functions, I just suck it up and go as often as I can stomach it and try to leave early (although that always seems to upset people too) and hope no one is upset with me. I get so much more crap if I give a lame excuse and don't go.

When my brother was around, he freed me; he said "I'm not going. I don't want to go, so I'm not. If you don't want to go, you don't have to & don't let them make you feel badly about it." But I lost him years ago and I lost my backbone with him.

Oh man don't get me started on work parties. Or work outings.

And I agree with you that one gets a little less crap if you just go than if you try to give an excuse (or at least when you've run out of really good excuses).

It took me a really really long time to accept myself and my tendencies more. It's only recently I've realized I've been surrounded by total extroverts my whole life so I really had NO idea it was OK to feel the way I did. And even now it's so rare to meet introverts - except on fora! (I hate that word btw I so want to use FORUMS!)

I'm sorry you lost your brother alexah. maybe you can think of getting back your backbone or using it once in a while as a way to honor him - as a way to make him smile...maybe that can give you courage.