How do you cope with bereavement?

[missy]

JanesJewels, I am so sorry about your mother. Losing one's mother is a profound loss and while time will allow you to remember her with more happiness than tears you will always miss her.

People deal with their grief differently. There is no right or wrong way. You need to allow yourself to feel as sad and as angry as you feel. Some talk about how they are feeling while others are more introspective. It's what works for you. I always communicate my feelings of sadness and pain because for me that lessens the weight of grief I am carrying around. Not everyone does this though and it comes down to what brings you to a more healing place of being able to remember your mom with less tears of sadness and more tears of happiness. Of the love and life you shared. Of the cherished memories and shared experiences and the time you spent together.

In 1992 I lost my beloved grandmother and it was all of a sudden. She was healthy one minute and gone the next. It was an extreme shock to our family. My mother became very ill and took a very long time (and never fully recovered her health unfortunately) to regain much of her health back. Over a decade in fact. She lost her hair, developed auto immune conditions and was literally sick with grief.

I remember that time like it was just a few years ago and not 22 years ago. It was surreal. I denied to myself my grandmother was gone as did my mom. We could not believe it. And I cannot believe how much time has passed and how much our life has changed. She never got to meet her great grandchildren, she never met her granddaughters dh's and she never got to really grow old. Life is unfair and my grief was intense when my grandmother died. She was not just my grandmother. She was one of my closest friends. Not a mean bone in her body and everyone who met her loved her. She was that kind of person. Warm, generous, loving and she raised a wonderful family. I miss her every single day.


The fact that she died suddenly made it worse for all of us because we did not get to say goodbye. We did not have the opportunity to tell her how much we loved her and how much she meant to us. Sure she knew some of that but it haunts me because did she know the extent of our love for her? I was in my twenties and single and led a happy young life full of suitors and such. I did not get to spend as much time with my grandmother as I wish I had looking back knowing what I know. But that is the way life works and we don't have a crystal ball. But remember the joy and love you shared and how she lived her life and enjoyed her friends and family.

Forgive me for going into my personal story but I feel it helps when you know others have gone through similar experiences though no one has gone through your exact circumstances and everyone deals with losing a loved one differently. Most importantly IMO is you need to be able to let yourself feel whatever it is you are feeling and if you are unsure that is OK too. It takes a long time for all your feelings about something as complex as death of a loved one especially a mother to make itself known to you. Sometimes you just don't know how you are feeling but allow yourself to go with it and be kind(er) to yourself at this horribly traumatic time. With time the pain and sadness will ease but the ache will always be there. However the good feelings will outweigh the sad ones with time hopefully and you can remember her with more happiness than sadness.

My heart goes out to you and I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Please allow yourself the luxury of feeling your feelings and taking all the time you need to grieve. Come to PS and cry and vent and remember if it helps you. I know it helps me and many others though as I wrote everyone deals with grief so differently. There is no right way for all.

Just take the time you need and be good to yourself. Sending you hugs and condolences. Allow your friends and family's love to help you through this challenging and difficult time. Lean on others. It will help. And know that you can never lose the love you shared with your mom. It is forever a part of who you are.

 

[JewelFreak]

Hey, JJ, it's a tough time. I'm so sorry you have to go through it. Nothing teaches us how or prepares us.

Freke is right -- it never completely goes away. "Closure" is a stupid word invented by reporters. As if you can shut a door & leave grief outside. Don't we wish.

At first you just have to put one foot in front of the other, go day to day because you don't have a choice. Some moments you're surprised that you feel okay; you might get through this after all. 20 minutes later you're bathed in tears & pain. There is no schedule. It's different for everyone -- I found I came to believe it slowly in my heart as well as my brain. I think you're numbed at first, maybe a protective thing. When that begins wearing off, it brings searing anguish, after spells of which I felt too exhausted to think about it anymore for a short time. Honey, it's a struggle, period.

Our Puritan background often makes us feel guilty to mourn, as if we're indulging in self-pity. Bunk. What better memorial would you ask than that others would be agonized at the void you leave? People love you and miss you -- that's the BEST gift anyone can give another. So when you want to bawl, go ahead! Personally, I've been sure the one I lost is there, patting me on the back & wishing they could help.

But be encouraged -- it does get better with time. It becomes a scab, then a scar that twinges only when the wind is from a certain direction.

Here's comfort from the Jewish religion: they think about the good things the loved one did, or wanted to do & didn't have time. Then they try to do those things for him or her. It's a connection, like love, which is absolutely indestructable, forever.

Best to you & sparkly dust to give you light in the dark.

--- Laurie

 

[kathley]

Kathley - I really hope that these messages about coping with grief might help you, too. I'm thinking of you.

I thought about you last night, and the first thing I did this morning was to read these posts. They are helping, and it is comforting to know that what I am feeling is "normal". Thank you for posting this topic, I know it was difficult. I hope the posts are helping you too. Many hugs!!!

 

[marcy]

JanesJewels, you were in my thoughts last night and this morning. Actually reading everyone's stories brought tears, smiles and encouragement to me as well. We all are going through this and know its tough and we just take it one day at a time.

Someone already touched on this as well but I was going to add try not to get caught up in the shoulda coulda woulda thoughts. Those really tear at your heart and soul.

Hugs to all of you.

 

[MarionC]

It takes time and anything you can do to help during that time-do it. Therapy, anti-depressants, shopping, crying. Give yourself a year - 2 years! off from trying to keep all your ducks in a row.
You said it just right - the world is weird after a loss. You will not be the same person, but you will recover to be able to function better and better as time goes on.

Hospice has grief groups - for me it helped to hear stories of others' loss...some of the stories were horrific and while it didn't lessen my grief I was amazed at how some people survive those kinds of losses - and also that we are all in this together.
Best to you, and hugs.

 

[Kaleigh]

Jane,
I am so sorry for your loss. It's so hard, and I don't think there is a one size fits all recipe for coping. How are you doing today??
I know when I lost my brother, I ran away from the grief having two little ones and working. That was not healthy. I took care of my Grandparents for many many years. Lost Grandfather to cancer, but again had to step it up and look after my grandmother.

When she died on Mother's day 8 years ago. I felt like part of me died. I went to see a grief counselor. I didn't want to make the mistake of running away from feelings and being busy. Kids were older and ok for me to take what ever I needed to sort out my feelings of pain sadness and with that came all the other deaths I hadn't dealt with. It was hard. And I hate crying. But cry I did. If you hold it all in it's not good. The grief counselor was awesome. She got me through my loss and am very happy I did the work of working through it.

I can't say the pain goes away. This is all very recent and new to you. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the gift of saying I am sad. I am hurting.

Big hugs. Hope this helps...

 

[Okie_girl]

Hi Jane, I don't post too often, but I felt compelled to respond to your post. First, let me say I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I don't think there is anything that quite compares with losing the person who brought you into the world.

Grief....I think I could write a book on this. My mother passed away in December 2010. Then, in December 2012, my partner of 17 years took her life. And this past March, my precious daddy joined my mother. So here I am, a widow and an orphan.

As others have said, everyone grieves differently. For me, with my mom, the first few months I barely remember. I do remember having mundane conversations, and thinking in my head "don't you know my mother is dead?!!!!" It took several months, maybe 3 or 4, before I was really able to concentrate on anything else for very long. Gradually, there was a shift in how I thought about my mother. Now, three years later, she is an undercurrent in my life. Ever present.

Here's what I know:

There is no timetable for grieving.

Feel the feelings. If you don't now, you will later.

Grief is like the tide, it ebbs and flows.

You never "get over" it. Things change. Things are different. Your world is not the same. Doesn't mean it won't be good again, it just won't be the same. (and I SO agree with Laurie, "closure" is stupid. Doesn't exist).

Guilt is normal.

Grieving is a process. Give in to the process, don't fight against it.

Talk. And talk. And talk some more. To anyone who will listen.

You still have a relationship with the person who has died. The relationship has a new form now, so redefine it if you can. But just because they are no longer physically present doesn't mean that the relationship with them has ended. How in the world could it?!

I guess that's all of my sage advice for now (lol). All my best to you, and to everyone else who is missing someone they love.

 

[HollyS]

Everyone copes differently.

The loss of any family member, but especially a parent, spouse or child . . . is devastating. You are still in the very beginning of your grief, and the loss is still brand new and raw. That will diminish over time; how long is a very individual thing.

I didn't read every post here, so I don't know if I'm repeating anyone or speaking without being fully informed: Do you have a faith in a particular religion? Seeking help from someone, apart from your family, with whom you can speak freely, may help a great deal. Or a professional therapist without religious affiliation can give you direction and copy mechanisms.

I'm very sorry that you are dealing with this. Having lost my own mother (she was 6, I know the depths of loss that you feel. If you won't mind, I will be praying for you. God bless.

 

[missy]

Hi Jane, just wanted to check in here and see how you are feeling today. I am thinking of you and sending gentle hugs your way.

 

[kathley]

Hi Jane, just wanted to check in here and see how you are feeling today. I am thinking of you and sending gentle hugs your way.

Same here!

 

[lyra]

Jane, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my father when I was 23. It was a very sudden unexpected loss, and honestly, it took me fully 10 years to "get over" it. It took that long to be "okay" with it, accept it, and be able to remember without unbearable grief. He was 52 when he died. When I was 36, I lost my mom to cancer. It wasn't long and drawn out, but of course it was more expected. I don't think you ever really get over losing your mother, because it is such a special relationship. I had to accept the facts in a short period of time, but ever afterward, I felt almost jealous of people who still had their moms around them for longer than I had. I still have pangs after 16 years, but the experience was in some way easier than losing someone suddenly. My next loss was 4 years ago when my brother died at age 53. It was another sudden loss, as he had told me his cancer was in remission. I don't know exactly what happened to this day. It has been another hard loss because there was no saying goodbye. I got to say goodbye (in a sense) to my mother at least. Not to my dad or my brother. I don't know. I don't know if hearing this is helpful to you at all. I just know that having these losses made me feel so different from everyone else. But I guess there are many people out there like us, who have had sudden losses and feel out of place with the rest of the world. Take care. Do what you need to do.

 

[soocool]

So very sorry for your loss.

When my father passed away not too long ago my sister and I found letters that he had wriiten to my mother immediately after her death in 2007 till just a few weeks before his death. My sister and I treasure these letters so much that we made them into a book for her and me and our kids. He wrote about anything and everything, being mad at her for leaving him, telling her about the little things he found of hers that made him smile, the smells that reminded him of special times from the past. He wrote about us and the grandkids and the little things that most people would forget ir never think of. This touched us so much that my sister and I began writing letters to our mom and dad. This has greatly helped us deal with our loss because in some way we feel that we are still in touch with them.

 

[marcy]

Hi Jane. I hope you are doing okay today. You are in my thoughts.

 

[Kaleigh]

Anther one checking in. Thinking of you and holding you in my prayers...

 

[JaneSmith]

H, not just a wonderful friend, but your wonderful mum. I'm so sorry.

 

[Andelain]

Janes, I'm so sorry. I know nothing I can say will ease your pain of loss, but if I was there I'd just sit with you and let you talk. and I'd give you a hug.

 

[JulieN]

I have experienced a long bereavement. My exbf is still alive, but I cannot be in a relationship with him; rather, I've lost him to illness.

We broke up eight years ago. I have only accepted my loss about 3 years ago (talk about rose colored lenses.)

Recently, he relapsed and last week was very difficult for me, I experienced a lot of emotions as his state became critical. While I shared the details of the story with some friends and family, it was difficult for me to open up and tell them how I FELT about it. ([Un]Surprisingly few people asked how I was doing. A reminder for me to be kinder, and to be a good listener.) Finally, I reached out to my current boyfriend: I told him how I felt, but I somewhat downplayed the depth of my emotions for his benefit... and he called BS on me!

He told my what I was saying about how I felt didn't make sense. I thought he was being dense on purpose; he had to understand how I felt, himself no stranger to loss. Once I owned up to my feelings and explained them, he did understand. I had a good cry over everything, and then I was calm. The desire to talk about it to other people all disappeared, and it confirmed for me I was (still) in the final stage of grief, acceptance.

TL;DR: Grief can take a long time, months or years sometimes, it depends. Acceptance just happens when it happens.

JanesJewels, I did read all your posts, as well as most of the posts in this thread. Sending you good thoughts.

 

[missy]

Jane, I'm just checking in here to say I am thinking of you and to see how you are doing. Know that we care and are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. Hugs and love being sent to you.

 

[momhappy]

My husband has coped surprisingly well with the loss of his father just over a year ago. It's been tough, but keeping busy and engaging in some "healthy" grieving (like crying every once in a while, sharing fond memories or his dad, etc.) has helped the process I think. The one thing that sets him back is when he has to talk on the phone to another family member who is not coping with the loss very well. This person is depressed, got fired from their job, and only seems to want to talk about the loss in every, single phone conversation. It doesn't seem like healthy grieving/coping to me and I wish that she would get professional help.

 

[Begonia]

Jane I wish she hadn't had to go...if I could I would go there and bring her right back to you.

My Mom went from stage 4 cancer 6 years ago. It took her in 8 weeks. Once she was palliative, 3 weeks.

The grief will stop when I die. Some days are better. Some days I'm right back at the beginning. My grief became physical. I got hives on day two all over my body. Acid reflux came, and I am prematurely menopausal - I believe due to grief. I am sensitive and it is difficult for me to just "get over it". That takes on physical forms.

Often I feel that I am ready for her to come back from wherever she went. The emotional part of my brain doesn't understand that she isn't coming back. I felt like that 2 days after she died. You can come back now Mom.

Often I feel 5 years old when it comes to the grief. I just want to start hollering "you bring back my Mom right now!" Some days I can't take it once more minute. Those are the bad days.

You have good days though. Sometimes many good days in a row. Weeks even. Month or two if you are lucky. You figure out the meaning of your life pretty quickly. It's about love for me. The minutes are what matters. Love in this minute. You just never know if you have the next minute, hour or day. I reach out and grab onto those I love and hug, hug, hug.

Sometimes I can feel her. Physically it is like she passed through me. It makes me catch my breath and look around. Mothers are so amazing, maybe they can visit their child that way from wherever they have gone. Maybe it is me imagining it. It is so real...

The beginning is the hardest.

Death is so strange.

I'm sorry she had to go Jane.

 

[missy]

Begonia, your post touched my heart and I just want to give you gentle hugs. I am so sorry about your mom.

 

[alexah]

HUGS to you Jane... And also to all the wonderful, brave, strong & supportive PS ladies that have commented.

I cope one day at a time. I miss my brother all the time. He was always my bestest buddy, the one that understood me best. I took it very hard after the initial shock wore off.

In the months before I lost him, he was always trying to get me to spend more time enjoying life and less time working and worrying. It took a few years, but I finally feel like I'm doing something he would approve of and something which is very good for me. I feel like he would be happy with the decisions I've made in the past year or so and that brings me some comfort.

I will be thinking of you Jane, hoping you find solace. xo

 

[JanesJewels]

Thanks you so much for all your beautiful, beautiful stories.

I'm going to reply individually on Wednesday, when this shift pattern ends. I'm working nights and not sleeping so well in the day, so I'm very tired, but I'll have some time off from Wednesday.

I'm truly touched by each response, all of which are lovely.

I know I will return to this thread to re-read them for a long, long time.

 

[marcy]

Hi Jane Jewels. I hope you get caught up on your rest.

There are so many wonderful ideas to help cope, I hope they have helped you in some way.

Soocool I was just thinking the other day of writing letters. What a great memory for you and your sister to find.

Hugs to all of you dealing with the loss of those you love.

 

[missy]

Thanks you so much for all your beautiful, beautiful stories.

I'm going to reply individually on Wednesday, when this shift pattern ends. I'm working nights and not sleeping so well in the day, so I'm very tired, but I'll have some time off from Wednesday.

I'm truly touched by each response, all of which are lovely.

I know I will return to this thread to re-read them for a long, long time.

Dear Jane, I am so glad you are finding comfort in these shared experiences and also knowing that all of PS cares about you and is thinking of you. It's a new normal this new life you are living now and you will find peace though it will be a long and difficult process filled with happy and yes bittersweet memories that will help you through. Each person's grief journey is unique but what is shared is the love. Your mom will forever be with you in your heart and soul. Continued good wishes and hugs being sent your way.

 

[Begonia]

I would like a gentle hug Missy. I might hang on for a long time...

 

[missy]

I would like a gentle hug Missy. I might hang on for a long time...

If I could give you one IRL I would and you could hold on as long as you want. For now I am sending a gentle virtual (((hug ))) and I hope you can feel it.

 

[JanesJewels]

It took me about a year to feel life was not weird after my mother died. During the months after her death from cancer, often I felt like I was in an altered state. I felt a heightened sensitivity and more then usual, odd coincidences... and without drugs or alcohol, altered perceptions happened.

Then, that subsided, and I was left with an abiding feeling of calm and love. It is like I carry my mother's love with me and I feel warm and comforted. She doesn't feel dead to me, but rather alive in a different way. Maybe it is because that kind of love never dies.

Sky, what a beautiful message about the "abiding feeling of calm and love." That sounds good - I hope that happens for me, too! And I like what you say about her being alive in a different way. That's strangely close to how I feel. Like you, I also feel in an altered state and have had odd coincidences.

My mom had a voucher for a posh lunch at a posh hotel that was given to her for her birthday by a nephew. She never got to use it, so Dad and I used it rather than let it go to waste. After the meal, where we had a window seat, I was staring out the window when I realised that a car which was parked directly outside had her three initials on the license plate. Three, all in the correct order. It had been there the whole time we were using her lunch voucher.

 

[JanesJewels]

You are more than welcome JanesJewels. I am just reaching a point I can talk about it and I am more than glad to help you in any way I can.

That's so sweet of you, Marcy. Thank you.

 

[JanesJewels]

JanesJewels: first, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

On May 4th, I was sitting in my living room watching a movie with my 2 year old when I saw my husband go running up the street and then come running back. I thought he was in physical trouble (he's allergic to bees.) Turns out an ambulance had come for a neighbor up the street. Long story short, my neighbor's husband passed away that day. She and I have been close friends.

She's not doing well. She and her husband didn't have children. They were so in love. They lived for each other. They had "master plans" for their deaths. I could go on. Anyway, I'm in contact with her every day now. She has a grief counselor, the second of which she's tried. She seems better with this second one. We talk a lot.

It's not an easy thing, listening to her, but I do it. I love her. It's been a huge change for me/my lifestyle getting to know this grieving person rather than the woman I knew before. His death has changed us all. But, it's brought she and I closer. And it's forced her to get closer to new friends (me, and others). It's so very hard.

It's almost as hard for the friends/acquaintances of the grieving person as it is for the griever!? My neighbor/friend's laminated obit is on my fridge. Not a day goes by I don't think of him because of that, and because I drive by their house every day. I miss him a lot. Not like his wife/my friend does, obviously. But I still feel pain every time, and I still cry.

I think it's just a long process. I think you have to go through all the steps and emotions until you're just done. There is no easy way out.

This is life. It's a circle--there is birth, there is living, and there is death. We all have to accept and come to terms with each. Sorry, there's just no easy way to cope.

ETA: I read back through the responses and I just have to offer my perspective (whether you accept it or not): have you ever woken from a deep sleep and thought "gosh, I was so deeply asleep/unconsious?" I think that's what death is. That brings me comfort. Maybe it's not right. Maybe it's going against every religion, whatever, but it's what I believe and have always believed. Peace...resting...not worrying anymore.
That's all.

Thanks, Monarch. How awful about your neighbor; I'm so sorry. You are being amazing to listen to his wife, because I have found that not many people will let me talk about my mother, and when someone close dies you desperately need to talk about them. You will have made a friend for life by listening to her in her darkest hour.

I like what you say abut death being a deep sleep.