How do you cope with bereavement?

[JanesJewels]

I hope you don't mind me posting this. I lost someone quite recently and thought I was doing better, but I have so much work to do and tonight I just cannot concentrate for intrusive thoughts about it all.

I wondered how other people have coped.

I don't want to go into too much detail about the person lost in order not to upset myself. But it was 16 weeks ago tonight, an immediate relative. I talked with her on the Friday night and she was her usual self. We made plans for the next Tuesday. She'd been terminally ill for some years but in February she booked a fly cruise to another continent and was stable. She told me on that day, 16 weeks ago, that she had seen her doctor and she had months left, weeks at the worst case. So Tuesday should have been fine. We were going to go check out a friend's new house when I got there, and go do all these things. She was normal. Totally her usual self. Snappy, alert, no delay in response, no sluggishness, nothing. She was dead 17 hours later, and I still can't believe it. I got the call at 5am saying she was in hospital with two hours to live. Well, I've been doing better with the disbelief, but tonight it's back a little more.

How long did it take you to accept that your loved one had gone? Accept it deep down, I mean? Rationally I know she's gone, and I'm totally functional, I eat, sleep, see people, work, etc. But I don't think I've really accepted it. How long does it take for it to be really normal that the person is no longer there? I had another immediate relative of ours to stay, the deceased's husband, who has just left. It was so weird having him here without her, and maybe it was too soon, because right now I wake up somewhat confused about who's here and who isn't, just for a few seconds, until my "new life" comes into focus.

Don't get me wrong, I'm coping OK. But the world just seems weird. This is the first death of an immediate relative, for me. How long does it take for all the weirdness to go away? I cannot really believe that she was real, living, walking around, and now she's just gone. I mean, where'd she go? You know? I don't understand it.

How long does it take for the world to settle back the right way up, I guess is what I'm asking. And any tips on how to focus on work when your mind is with the one who has left.

Thank you in advance.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI JanesJ:

It is no small thing to loose someone and you've reached out. Sometimes big things come in big packages. I am truly sorry for your loss.

Grief is multifocal but more importantly, what does it means to you? Without sharing more of the details of the person--are you comfortable of talking about how you feel?

kind regards--Sharon

 

[kathley]

I am so sorry for your loss! I just lost my father 16 weeks ago from lung cancer that quickly spread, and in a matter of weeks, he was gone. He never smoked a day in his life and was not exposed to second-hand smoke. I am in the exact place as you are right now. I am still in somewhat disbelief, and I can't seem to find closure. I go to visit him every week, asking for a sign that he can hear me, but nothing. I have spoken to my pastor, and friends who have gone through this, etc. They said it could take years...
So I am at the beginning stages of bereavement, and I try to occupy my time with activities and positive thoughts. But it is very hard for my thoughts not to wonder. Some days are better than others, and it is my understanding that the better days will become more frequent. I look forward to reading other people's posts as this could help me too.

 

[FrekeChild]

How long did it take you to accept that your loved one had gone? Accept it deep down, I mean? Rationally I know she's gone, and I'm totally functional, I eat, sleep, see people, work, etc. But I don't think I've really accepted it. How long does it take for it to be really normal that the person is no longer there? I had another immediate relative of ours to stay, the deceased's husband, who has just left. It was so weird having him here without her, and maybe it was too soon, because right now I wake up somewhat confused about who's here and who isn't, just for a few seconds, until my "new life" comes into focus.

Don't get me wrong, I'm coping OK. But the world just seems weird. This is the first death of an immediate relative, for me. How long does it take for all the weirdness to go away? I cannot really believe that she was real, living, walking around, and now she's just gone. I mean, where'd she go? You know? I don't understand it.

How long does it take for the world to settle back the right way up, I guess is what I'm asking. And any tips on how to focus on work when your mind is with the one who has left.

Thank you in advance.

It never REALLY goes away.

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and given 6 months to live when I was 19. Luckily, after chemo, it went into remission for almost exactly 5 years...when she went through her 5 year screenings, they discovered that it was back. Chemo and radiation gave me just over two more years with her. So I got 7 years more than I was originally supposed to. And her death still took me by surprise when it actually happened.

Five and a half years later, some days are worse than others, the bad days can be set off by the most innocuous things....like my aunt's birthday reminded me that my mom would be turning 70 this year. Which brought on tears.

But I don't remember the two weeks after her death. I still have days where I think I should call her, and I call my dad instead. Those times are fewer and fewer as time goes by, but big things that happen (for me, it was our engagement, wedding and being pregnant that were the hardest and really were difficult) helped bring it home that she was gone.

Time is the only thing that helps. But the hole in your heart never goes away...it just scars up a bit.

 

[JanesJewels]

Oh, thank you, Sharon. For asking how I feel. That's another thing about death - people only seem to want to talk about their own losses or else they avoid you. My oldest, closest friend doesn't seem at all interested in how I feel. Not only did she not come to the funeral, she didn't contact me in the days before or afterwards, and when I sent an email to my friends about whether to view the body or not to say goodbye - given that I didn't get there in time - she was the only one not to respond. And some of the deceased's oldest friends of 50 years, with who she never said a cross word, didn't come to the funeral and have not contacted her husband after sending initial sympathy cards. Her husband's brother did come to the funeral but has not called his brother since. They say death rewrites your address book, and it seems to be true. Even for someone as lovely as the deceased - let's call her H.

To give you an idea of H's character, at the funeral a woman I hadn't seen in 28 years came up to me, and said that when her husband had died all those years ago H had been so kind to her that when she saw the death in the paper she just had to come. Twenty-eight years later.

Anyway. I don't really know how I feel. Intellectually, I know it's happened. But I think deep down, I feel that she's just away somewhere. I was about three-quarters asleep the other day - I don't know if I dreamed this or not - but the thought ran through my sleep-addled head that I hadn't spoken to her for a while so she must be on one of her long vacations and I must call her, and then I woke up. I also have dreams where she's s ill but still here and I did arrive in time, and then I wake up and realize that I didn't. And I had one where I was in hospital being prepped for surgery for the same disease that she had (she's an immediate relative) and I was saying, "Thank God H didn't live to see this." I think her death has made me more fearful in general, and also made me feel more vulnerable in general.

In the daytime I'm fine, but I think deep down, subconsciously, I think she's still alive somewhere. It's a very odd feeling and I was wondering when it goes away. The PS community seems pretty experienced in life so I thought I'd ask.

 

[JanesJewels]

Kathley, I am so sorry for your loss. It's so awful, all this isn't it? I agree that some days are better than others.

Something that helps me is that I imagine if she had lived, what would her life be like now? She would be suffering terribly, and I wouldn't want that. I don't know if that is applicable to your situation, but I thought it might help. In my worst moments, I remind myself that she isn't suffering any more - and her suffering was going to get worse, had she not died.

Hugs xxxxxxx

 

[JanesJewels]

Frekechild, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know breast cancer can be a real rollercoaster since it can happen and then reappear over the long-term.Thanks for replying to me. I think your description of the hole scarring over is very apt.

Hugs xxx

 

[packrat]

I'm sorry for your loss, Jane. I think everyone will have different thoughts on how they cope and how long things took to get back on an even keel, to be able to think of someone w/out feeling like the world suddenly tilted.

When I was 13 I lost my grampa. We were close, I was born on his birthday and was favored. I'm going to be 40 and even right now, typing that is enough to bring tears to my eyes. I don't know that I will ever be able to think of him without feeling that loss. But I have stories to tell and memories to share. It took a long time to be able to walk into grampa and gramma's house and not feel that jolt when he wasn't sitting on the couch (excuse me, *davenport* he called it).

I lost my other grampa almost 10 years ago. That was "easier" b/c I was an adult and had dealt with deaths of coworkers family members, extended family members, my mom's coworkers that I'd known for many years. But it was *harder* b/c grampa Doc's when i was young, was sudden boom heart attack, and Grampa Carl's was sickness, drawn out and dealing with that was hard, even tho I got to say goodbye.

Death is awkward to me, in that I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say when people say they're sorry. And I don't like to say I'm sorry, even tho I am sorry that someone is going thru that pain in their heart, b/c "I'm sorry" feels so inadequate. I feel sad and empty that they're gone, but in all my relative's deaths except Grampa Doc's, they were very sick and in pain, confused, scared...so I felt like a..well, like a horrible granddaughter/niece for feeling that sad-glad feeling that's not really glad but you can't describe it, b/c they were finally at peace. Like I *wanted* them to go and be free of what they felt, but at the same time wanted to desperately to not have them leave me and for things to stay the same.

Now that I'm older I understand the purpose of the meal after the funeral/burial; when I was 13 I sobbed so hard I had people I didn't even know crying, while they tried to help me to understand. Now I can smile and laugh and share stories, and not feel wrong about it, and I can shed tears while I laugh and tell "remember when" stories. I can help comfort others, especially those younger, which is comforting to me in return.

My favorite Uncle died nine years ago, a long drawn out cancer death like I'd never dealt with before and was completely unprepared for. The..indignity of it. The drama of it, smashing your fists against the sides of your head b/c the thought of someone going thru that is not something you can easily comprehend, much less watching someone you love and adore in the throes of it. My aunt was upset that I would remember him that way, b/c that was how I'd seen him last. But I don't. I remember him how he was my entire life. I was lucky enough to be able to choose my son's birthday, and fortunate that my Uncle's birthday fell close to the time frame I had to choose for my c section. And low and behold if my little boy didn't come just as dark and hairy and stocky as my Uncle and all the guys on my mom's side, and I'll be danged if this little boy of mine doesn't sleep with his arms above his head and like to sit on the couch and relax with his arms above his head, just like my uncle.

Someone I used to hang out w/a little bit when I was younger lost her daughter, who was 10 at the time. She'd been sick her entire life, and they said they were fortunate to have her as long as they did. I think I was crying before I even got in the door for the viewing. She is my age, so I felt a little more free to talk with her. The strength of mind and heart, well, I guess I never knew or comprehended it until seeing someone my age, that I knew, try to come to terms, try to accept, her daughters death at a young age. A mother's worst fear realized. My own daughter was one year younger.

You have to let yourself think things and do things and remember things and talk about things and feel things. Feel the feels you're feeling. Allow yourself. Allow yourself the ability to cry when you need to, to laugh when you need to, tell stories when you need to, hell, to be angry when you need to. Allow yourself the freedom to get damned pissed off that you lost someone you love. Allow yourself the time you need-the time you need to think and do and remember and talk and feel. Allow yourself the understanding that at some point you will find that you laugh more than you cry, you will find that not every second is consumed with thoughts of missing them, that empty "homesick" feeling in your heart will ease and be filled up with memories. And that's ok.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I am so sorry to hear of this profound loss you are suffering. I truly wish you peace in the coming days.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And one of the most startling (at least to me) things about dealing with a huge loss is stepping into the world again after the loss and realizing that life is still going on as normal around you. That surprised me the most. People still got up and went to school, or work. Obviously I knew this intellectually, but emotionally I did have a very strong sense of shock that the world and time itself hadn't actually stopped. So re-entering a normal routine did take a while. It was an adjustment. That is ok.

 

[canuk-gal]

Oh, thank you, Sharon. For asking how I feel.

Anyway. I don't really know how I feel. Intellectually, I know it's happened. But I think deep down, I feel that she's just away somewhere. In the daytime I'm fine, but I think deep down, subconsciously, I think she's still alive somewhere. It's a very odd feeling and I was wondering when it goes away. The PS community seems pretty experienced in life so I thought I'd ask.

JanesJ:

Yes, we've all come here to talk about our experiences. PS is a rich and dense fabric. That you've come here is positive and very welcome.

Please share as you feel comfortable. FWIW, I understand grief to be an evolution or at least that has been my lived experience.

kind regards--Sharon

 

[MMtwo]

JanesJewels,

I think sometimes our heart acts like a floodgate and only lets a little bit of hurt in at a time. We process that bit and it opens up and lets in a little more. So it feels strange, not a constant hurt but an ebb and flow. It's how our brains and hearts deal with pain and loss. That has been my experience, anyhow. Pain and loss comes in tides that match your capacity to feel.

It will take a little time, but acute disbelief will wear off and so will the shock. At some point, old grief feels like a warm hug when you remember the lost one. The pain diminishes but the love does not. The person still lives in your memories. As you heal you may find yourself sharing stories about that person and how wonderful they were. It does get easier in time.

 

[JaneSmith]

I am so sorry you lost your wonderful friend.

Grief fades gradually, and can return in waves. It is most helpful to be able to talk with a trusted friend or counsellor about your feelings and thoughts.
It is normal and expected to experience the disorienting feelings you have described. It takes time to adjust to the new reality of life without your friend.
Think of her life, was it full and rich? Did she accomplish the things she set out to? Did you have a wonderful friendship? Was she happy? As long as you keep her in your heart and your mind, there will always be a piece of her that remains. Cherish your memories yet as you grieve your loss.
Our culture does not give much outlet or direction in this time, or acknowledge how much of friendship is truly love. I think that this heightens the sense of being cast adrift.

People will want to share their own stories of grief, and it is normal for them to do so because we are social animals and shared experiences are like social glue. It is a form of empathy, of relating to another's pain, and sharing the knowledge that you are not alone. To paraphrase a great psychologist: to console someone, most people only have the tools and the language they learned as children by watching their parents and peers deal with each others’ grief. They’re not experts at this. People often feel insecure, inadequately prepared, and even a little helpless when they speak with a bereaved person, so their efforts might be awkward. Try to be patient and forgiving of them. They’ve been taught that some clichés are supposed to help people feel better.
It is also normal to not want to hear too many, or any, other stories of grief because you are so full of your own, you have no capacity for taking on someone else's.
The people in H's life who have surprised you with their distance are probably processing their grief in their own way, and are not intentionally trying to hurt anyone.

You say that you are functioning well with your quotidian tasks, and I believe you. Please be vigilant for signs that your grief does not become depression. And please don't feel like you've failed if that does happen.
Talking is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. We are here for you.

 

[JanesJewels]

I'm working through the night but will reply properly to everyone tomorrow. I'm so grateful to everyone who has replied.

I was trying to maintain some composure by not telling too many details, but when I saw JaneSmith refer to her as my friend I realized I should probably clarify that H was my mom. But JaneSmith, you're right, she was my wonderful friend, too!

I grew up with a close-knit extended family with all four grandparents who lived to 87-90 (passed on a long time ago) and we were all quite happy. One or two odd family members, but everyone has those.

However, in the last three years we've had three deaths, two divorces, and a few job losses. Sometimes I wonder what's happening to my family. The deaths were ages 70, 75 and 58 and include my mom, uncle, and sister-in-law.

I guess the answer is simply that my family aged. And that this happens in life! I'm still quite young though - not yet forty - and I didn't expect all this to happen in my thirties. My parents were aged 47-56 when they dealt with these things.

I guess it's just the way the cookie crumbles, right?

And I have been married for eight years and we have lost ten of our wedding guests, ages 34, 45, 47, 58, 68, 68, 70, 70, 75, 99. There have been too many passings. Sorry to sound so glum - it was so hard to have my dad to stay without my mom and I have so much work to do, and am just tired right now.

 

[marcy]

JanesJewels, I am very sorry for your loss. I don't think you ever get over it but you get more used to it. It takes a long time to really deep down accept they are gone and even then you'll still have those moments when you want to reach for the phone to call them or you think they are away on vacation and they'll be back soon.

I lost my life long best friend 13 years ago, my mom to leukemia last August and my dad died of a heart attack in January this year.

I was in denial for a really long time. I didn't let myself have a good crying spell and that lead to periods of uncontrolled emotions in situations where I'd rather keep those tears in check but you just have to let them out. I found myself quicker to agitation and way too easily frustrated. My tolerance level for even petty little things was seriously tested for a while but I worked at not showing they were irritating me because I knew it was due to my fragile emotional state.

Keeping myself really busy kept the grief in check for months but also didn't allow me to begin my grieving process. Some of your family and friends don't know what to say or do so you may have to reach out to them to let them know what they can do to help you. I kind of made it a habit every few weeks to just tell my husband and best friend this is what I'm feeling now but I don't want to talk about it.

I have had problems moving on from anger and extreme sadness but I work on it one day at a time. I've been focusing on remembering the good and fun times and treasuring those precious moments rather than dwelling on the realization there won't be anything but memories anymore. I found it better to celebrate their life rather than being sad because they are gone.

I found something online about the 7 steps of grief and that sure explained things to me a little better than the 5 steps of grief. If nothing else I sat there nodding my head going yes, done that, thought that. That at least made me feel like what I was feeling was normal.

I know I am kind of just jumping around with random thoughts but hopefully some of these will give you a new thought or direction to try.

There will be times when you feel like it just happened. Milestones are tough and the best thing I can suggest there is to keep busy but maybe do a toast to their memory or take flowers to their grave. Just recently I've been calling a close relative or one of my parents friends just to say hi and see how they are doing. Some times we both start crying but it is good to talk about them. There is no right or wrong way to deal with it, just find what helps you.

Hugs to you. Take care of yourself.

Marcy

ETA: I see you were posting about the same time I was. I am sorry to hear you lost your mom. I was very close to my mom like you and it is very hard.

 

[amc80]

I'm so sorry. My aunt died back in November. She had had breast cancer years ago and we all though she was solidly in remission. Apparently it had come back at some point and only her husband, their kids and the kids' spouses knew. She lives in another state and DH and I (and DS) were planning on seeing her just weeks later. My brother called me one night and told me she had died. Totally shock. How did I grieve? I cried. Lot that night and a lot at the funeral. And now, as I'm typing this. I still can't believe she's gone. I don't have a relationship with my dad (she was my dad's sister) so she was my link to that side of my family. I think about her almost daily and I'm said she never got to meet my husband or son.

 

[JanesJewels]

Packrat - thank you writing such a long reply to me. I'm grateful. Like you said, people do say that the pain becomes replaced to some extent by happy memories, and I look forward to that day. I can't really imagine it right now, but it's good to hear that it will come. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

 

[JanesJewels]

Elliot86 - thanks for your reply. You are really correct about the weird sense of the world going on around you. That's part of why I found it hard to socialise in the 2-3months after her death, because others also wanted to talk about general stuff when my head and heart was still pounding and just full of her. That's a little better now.

 

[JanesJewels]

Canuk-gal - thank you for replying again, and describing grief as an evolution. That sounds about right, and it's hopeful, too.

 

[JanesJewels]

Moneymeister - thanks for posting such a message of hope. I will take a lot of comfort from it. I felt better after reading it, and I shall think of your words when I go to sleep. I so look forward to the day when I can enjoy all the memories, but I can't really imagine it right now.

 

[JanesJewels]

Kathley - I really hope that these messages about coping with grief might help you, too. I'm thinking of you.

 

[JanesJewels]

JaneSmith - thanks for posting so many thoughtful things. I am going to read and absorb what you say, and try to remember it. Those people are probably just hurting, too, you're right.

 

[JanesJewels]

Marcy - thanks for being so generous in sharing your experiences in detail, which isn't easy. I find that very helpful. Another post that I will be reading and re-reading.

 

[JanesJewels]

amc - I am SO sorry about your aunt. What a dreadful shock for you. I hate to think of you crying right now. I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big soft white handkerchief! You say that your aunt was your link to that side of the family, and you also say that your aunt had a husband and kids. Could you maybe try to stay in touch and become closer to your uncle and cousins, as a way of maintaining that link?

 

[JanesJewels]

Thank you so much to everyone for your thoughtful and kind replies.

 

[Sky56]

It took me about a year to feel life was not weird after my mother died. During the months after her death from cancer, often I felt like I was in an altered state. I felt a heightened sensitivity and more then usual, odd coincidences... and without drugs or alcohol, altered perceptions happened.

Then, that subsided, and I was left with an abiding feeling of calm and love. It is like I carry my mother's love with me and I feel warm and comforted. She doesn't feel dead to me, but rather alive in a different way. Maybe it is because that kind of love never dies.

 

[marcy]

You are more than welcome JanesJewels. I am just reaching a point I can talk about it and I am more than glad to help you in any way I can.

 

[monarch64]

JanesJewels: first, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

On May 4th, I was sitting in my living room watching a movie with my 2 year old when I saw my husband go running up the street and then come running back. I thought he was in physical trouble (he's allergic to bees.) Turns out an ambulance had come for a neighbor up the street. Long story short, my neighbor's husband passed away that day. She and I have been close friends.

She's not doing well. She and her husband didn't have children. They were so in love. They lived for each other. They had "master plans" for their deaths. I could go on. Anyway, I'm in contact with her every day now. She has a grief counselor, the second of which she's tried. She seems better with this second one. We talk a lot.

It's not an easy thing, listening to her, but I do it. I love her. It's been a huge change for me/my lifestyle getting to know this grieving person rather than the woman I knew before. His death has changed us all. But, it's brought she and I closer. And it's forced her to get closer to new friends (me, and others). It's so very hard.

It's almost as hard for the friends/acquaintances of the grieving person as it is for the griever!? My neighbor/friend's laminated obit is on my fridge. Not a day goes by I don't think of him because of that, and because I drive by their house every day. I miss him a lot. Not like his wife/my friend does, obviously. But I still feel pain every time, and I still cry.

I think it's just a long process. I think you have to go through all the steps and emotions until you're just done. There is no easy way out.

This is life. It's a circle--there is birth, there is living, and there is death. We all have to accept and come to terms with each. Sorry, there's just no easy way to cope.

ETA: I read back through the responses and I just have to offer my perspective (whether you accept it or not): have you ever woken from a deep sleep and thought "gosh, I was so deeply asleep/unconsious?" I think that's what death is. That brings me comfort. Maybe it's not right. Maybe it's going against every religion, whatever, but it's what I believe and have always believed. Peace...resting...not worrying anymore.
That's all.

 

[FrekeChild]

I skimmed over some replies, but one thing I wanted to mention is that people really don't know how to respond to death. When my mom passed, I got some flowers, I had someone with me all of the time, food, I had a wonderful friend who sent me a gift card to Zappos, and pretty much any acknowledgment of my loss was appreciated. But even though I've gone through it, I still don't know what to do or say. It's incredibly difficult to know what the person needs, so we all just do the best we can.

My aunt passed away last year, and while my dad suggested sending flowers - but I remembered that flowers just died and I hated that when I got flowers. So we sent some food instead.

And earlier this summer, my husband's colleague's wife passed away after an extended illness. He lost his mother almost 9 years ago, and he didn't know what to say to his colleague either. So I told him to just acknowledge his loss.

It's hard. You just don't know what the person experiencing the loss wants or needs. I needed company and people to make sure I ate and showered.

Some people need to talk. Some people need to cry. Some people need to get rid of everything that belonged to their loved one. But no one knows what another person needs. So everyone guesses.

Hugs. It's hard no matter what age you are, and no matter how long you had to say goodbye. You can never have too much time with a loved one.

 

[VRBeauty]

JJ - I'm very sorry to hear of your loss and what you're going through. It's been about two months since my mother died. I don't have answers for you - I guess you could say I'm still "in process" myself. I'm doing better than I was in the first month, when I could burst into tears at the slightest provocation. I think I'm very fortunate in that I retired late last year, so I've had the luxury of being able to cry etc when I needed to - and I did and do often just let the tears flow when they come, without a lot of regard to where I am or who I'm with. I didn't even bother to wear mascara until about two weeks ago, because I would have just messed it up at some point in the day.

I guess in some ways I'm forcing myself to accept the fact that my mother has died. For example, I'm trying to think and talk about my father's house rather than my parents' house, and to think and talk about my mother in the past tense. Both of these things feel foreign but seem necessary to me.

I've been spending a fair amount of time with my father, helping him adjust to life alone, which I think has helped me adjust. My brothers occasionally share their feelings or memories or how they're coping, which helps. I have some very empathetic friends, which helps. A family friend sent us pictures of my mother taken in the past two years - which forced me to face up to how severely the cancer that ultimately took my mother's life also diminished her life, and no doubt caused her both fatigue and a lot of pain (which she denied) - coming face to face with that helped me accept that my mother would not have wanted to live like that.

At one point I realized that I was idealizing my relationship with my mother - it was fine, but there were a lot of aspects of my life that I didn't share with her because she was a recreational worrier, or because I feared her judgement about how I was living my life and particularly about how I spend my money (which I now understand, knowing more about my parents' financial situation.) Working to recall the actual relationship rather than idealized memories has helped.

My faith - well, that's a whole story in itself that I won't share here, but ultimately it's helped. I've also written in a journal from time to time, though I'm not consistent with that. I just write when I feel I need to.

Recently I've allowed myself to do things that make me smile. I went to the State Fair last week, and ended the evening on the wave swing, a ride that lets me feel like I'm flying and that always makes me smile. Seeing a musical last night did the same thing - I love a good musical, and this one was good, and I probably smiled most of the way through it.

RIght now my memories of my mother are fuzzy, and I worry that at some point I won't remember her at all. It's comforting to read that Freke didn't remember the first few weeks after her mother's death. I think there might be some of that going on with me.

I suspect that everybody grieves in their own way and gets through it in their own way. Until very recently I was sure I would need counseling or a bereavement group or something at some point to help me get through this pain. Now I'm thinking I might make it through without professional help - but I'm not opposed to getting that kind of help if I need it.

By the way I think the disbelief is normal. One of my brothers and I accompanied my mother to her last visit with the oncologist, when she was given a prognosis of one to six months. I came away sort of thinking three months, and my mother was thinking six months. As it turned out she was gone less than a month later. In spite of knowing the end was near, even though my mother was in active hospice for the last two weeks (and I was there much of the time) there were many things left unsaid and questions left unanswered. Even those of us who were there during that time were in disbelief at how quickly (and at the same time, how slowly) it all happened.

 

[monarch64]

VRB: well, I'm just unsure what to say and crying after reading your account. Thanks for posting, glad you got all that out there. This is a good thread. Obviously I'm so very sorry to hear about your mother.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONXp-vpE9eU