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KIDS What Would You Have Done Differently?

iLander

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2010
Messages
6,731
Chrono|1406137756|3719204 said:
iLander,
Food issues are very difficult for the parents at that moment in time. I hope my niece will outgrow her food fussiness. She refuses to eat anything but fruit and the occasional grain. She is very underweight, has little energy during sports but still refuses to eat. She skips school lunches almost everyday and nibbles selectively at breakfast and dinner. Although she is 8, she can wear clothing meant for a 3 to 5 year old. Your post gives me some measure of hope that this too will pass.

You reminded me of this thread [URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/this-girl-needs-a-cookie.201069/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/this-girl-needs-a-cookie.201069/[/URL] , Chrono.

I took quite a scolding from some petite ladies, but maybe there is something to be learned in there about your niece? I suspect these women were smaller-sized children. :)
 

jaysonsmom

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 13, 2004
Messages
4,879
I thought of a very important one last night.....I wish I had raised my kids bilingual.
I'm of Chinese (Taiwanese and Mandarin) and Japanese heritage. My husband is full Korean, but cannot speak Korean very well. I wish I had stuck to speaking Mandarin to my kids when they were younger. I tried to teach them everything in both English and Mandarin as babies, but stopped when they were around 4 or 5 because they started rebelling. They would tell me, "I don't understand what you want, mommy", so I'd start speaking in English again. It was really hard to stick to Mandarin because obviously my husband and I speak English to one another.

Now, I work in an international company, where everyone in management pretty much speaks a minimum of 2-3 languages. I feel that my kids would not have the same opportunities with just English....especially when Mandarin (a language I speak and read) is something "I" could have taught them....Major guilt today :(
 

jaysonsmom

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 13, 2004
Messages
4,879
I thought of a very important one last night.....I wish I had raised my kids bilingual.
I'm of Chinese (Taiwanese and Mandarin) and Japanese heritage. My husband is full Korean, but cannot speak Korean very well. I wish I had stuck to speaking Mandarin to my kids when they were younger. I tried to teach them everything in both English and Mandarin as babies, but stopped when they were around 4 or 5 because they started rebelling. They would tell me, "I don't understand what you want, mommy", so I'd start speaking in English again. It was really hard to stick to Mandarin because obviously my husband and I speak English to one another.

Now, I work in an international company, where everyone in management pretty much speaks a minimum of 2-3 languages. I feel that my kids would not have the same opportunities with just English....especially when Mandarin (a language I speak and read) is something "I" could have taught them....Major guilt today :(
 

jaysonsmom

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 13, 2004
Messages
4,879
I thought of a very important one last night.....I wish I had raised my kids bilingual.
I'm of Chinese (Taiwanese and Mandarin) and Japanese heritage. My husband is full Korean, but cannot speak Korean very well. I wish I had stuck to speaking Mandarin to my kids when they were younger. I tried to teach them everything in both English and Mandarin as babies, but stopped when they were around 4 or 5 because they started rebelling. They would tell me, "I don't understand what you want, mommy", so I'd start speaking in English again. It was really hard to stick to Mandarin because obviously my husband and I speak English to one another.

Now, I work in an international company, where everyone in management pretty much speaks a minimum of 2-3 languages. I feel that my kids would not have the same opportunities with just English....especially when Mandarin (a language I speak and read) is something "I" could have taught them....Major guilt today :(
 

LoversKites

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 16, 2013
Messages
1,733
jaysonsmom|1406222571|3719867 said:
I thought of a very important one last night.....I wish I had raised my kids bilingual.
I'm of Chinese (Taiwanese and Mandarin) and Japanese heritage. My husband is full Korean, but cannot speak Korean very well. I wish I had stuck to speaking Mandarin to my kids when they were younger. I tried to teach them everything in both English and Mandarin as babies, but stopped when they were around 4 or 5 because they started rebelling. They would tell me, "I don't understand what you want, mommy", so I'd start speaking in English again. It was really hard to stick to Mandarin because obviously my husband and I speak English to one another.

Now, I work in an international company, where everyone in management pretty much speaks a minimum of 2-3 languages. I feel that my kids would not have the same opportunities with just English....especially when Mandarin (a language I speak and read) is something "I" could have taught them....Major guilt today :(

I was lucky to pick up one language from my parents and English from my siblings the rest of the world. My sister, like you, also gave up at some point and I'm sure she will regret it later on. Knowing an additional language can be so important and helpful.
 

caf

Brilliant_Rock
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Thank you notes. I should have had her write thank you notes when she started writing and reading. It is a good habit for kids to get into.

As to food, my daughter is good eater. But when she was younger she had horribly enlarged tonsils and adenoids. Huge, truly. Certain foods were really hard for her to eat cause they hurt her throat going down. I wondered what was up when she wouldn't eat certain things - the ENT cleared that question up. And once she had them both removed, her appetite improved. So I would not rule out - for the picky eater - something physical.
 

redwood66

Ideal_Rock
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Aug 22, 2012
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7,329
Things I would definitely have changed are-

Letting them figure out a new process or chore. Because giving up and deciding it was just easier to do it myself backfired and allowed them to be a bit lazy as a teenager.

Being more social as a family with other families. My job made me pretty unsociable, and my DH already was, so this has made a couple pretty introverted young men. They are very caring but not keen on meeting new people. At least the navy has made them get out of their shell.
 

TooPatient

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Sep 1, 2009
Messages
10,295
I'm sort of new to this ("A" has been with us for two years now plus a year when she was younger) and 14 (a few weeks from 15) is far from grown up to see what we would have done differently. Adding a couple of things we've been doing that seem to be working. Maybe it will help others or maybe someone with more experience can suggest improvements....


Allowance --

We do $10 every two weeks into her bank account. This is not an "allowance" and we made it clear that as a part of the family she is expected to help around the house without being paid. The money is strictly for her to enjoy stuff she wants while learning how to manage money. We've told her we'll re-evaluate and increase as we feel it is appropriate. (so as she learns to save for stuff and make choices in her purchases, we'll increase)

She does not have to use it for clothes, shoes, food, etc. (with the exception of extras she may wish above her sizeable wardrobe). Any of her needs are taken care of by us. For my b-day and DH's b-day, we stuck extra in her account so that she could get a gift without taking all she's been saving. If we go out together, DH & I pay. If she wants to walk home from school and have icecream with her friends, she pays.
We also pay for b-day gifts for her friends ($30 max budget per friend) so that we don't have a situation where she is invited but doesn't have money to get a gift. (since all of the other parents are going out and getting gifts for the other kids, this isn't really a big deal yet and would be very noticeable if she didn't show up with one)
The money in that account is for her to gain experience in small ways at first. We'll add to what she is expected to take care of as she gets more experience with managing her money. (increasing how much she gets to offset that of course!)

This approach seems to be working well so far. She has started to pay attention to what things cost and is working harder to take care of the stuff she has. She's even learning to research what she wants to find a quality item at a good price and set goals to save to be able to purchase.


Food --

"A" did not want to eat anything. She was way underweight when we were finally able to get her into our home. I tried hard to cook stuff she liked, get input on what she'd like to have, and even tried to have her help with shopping and cooking. Nothing worked. Every meal was awful. She'd sit and pick at stuff while complaining that she "hates ______ ". Didn't matter what it was. She could have specifically asked for green beans and an hour later be wrinkling her nose refusing to eat because she "hates green beans".
I tried. Oh, did I try! When we got to her hating everything except beef and plain pasta, I gave up.

I sat down with her (not at a meal) and let her know that I would not be cooking to make her happy any more. I would cook the meals that DH & I enjoyed and she would be expected to eat them. When she took the time to try food and actually taste it, I would be interested to hear what she thought in more detailed terms. "Hate" is not a description I listen to any more. Spicy, sweet, bland, crunchy, chewy, mushy, etc describe foods.

I started cooking normal meals again. She picked at them for a long time (many months) but started actually noticing stuff as she ate. As she gave GOOD feedback on stuff, I took the time to cook meals on occasion that she had particularly liked. Lots of frustrations as meals she loved one week she hated the next...

She still needs to be watched so she eats enough (left to her own choices, she ends up eating 500 calories or less per day) but it is much easier. Meals are (mostly) relaxed and enjoyable now. She eats all sorts of veggies, proteins, and fruits that she used to "hate"
We're working on getting her to be more aware of the nutrients in the food she is eating so she can learn to balance her own diet in a healthy way. (I'd tend to just ignore this and let her see healthy with us and figure it out on her own, but with the ED we don't want her to run into serious issues later.)
 

yennyfire

Ideal_Rock
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Too Patient,

We do the same kind of thing with money, though both of my kids are too young to be anywhere on their own without an adult, so paying for their own ice cream hasn't come up. However, we do give them an "allowance" so that they can learn to save money...we tell them that the chores that they do to "earn" their allowance are things that we expect them to do because they are a part of our family and that everyone pitches in to help. Sadly, my grand plans of getting them to add doing the dishes to the list over the summer didn't happen. :blackeye: but that's my fault, not theirs!

As for food, I think that the approach you've taken with A makes sense, especially with her history. I'm glad that she's finally coming around. Tonight will be day 3 of our new approach and I'm making salmon, which I haven't cooked in years because I figured that the kids wouldn't like it. However, I'm making it tonight, they can choose to try it or not....no drama, no emotion. Luckily, it's Friday and we celebrate Shabbat, so I have a Challah (and green beans and fruit), which they eat, so even if the salmon isn't a hit (and I'm not expecting much), they won't starve.

I could just kiss iLander!! :appl:
 

Lulie

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 5, 2009
Messages
342
Toys, they had too many! I could have filled a personal landfill with Legos!
I should have committed to allowance monitoring so that crucial money management lessons could be learned. We are currently working on it with the younger ones.

I was so determined not to be a helicopter parent and to allow the growth that comes only from emerging freedoms that I probably pulled away too fast from my step-son. When he went for college last fall, he said that he loved his space so I limited my calling to 1x per week. Guess what? That's not what he wanted after all :wall: :lol:

Limited television time earned with completed chores does not rule anymore....IPods do [most homework is done this way today and #1 excuse for sure]. Their school does their best to block bad sites and games but is not 100%, so no homework in their bedrooms ever.
I was a picky eater so I understand true dislikes. A well-stocked fridge, blender, juicer and Panini maker are very popular in our kitchen.

We don't have to sign them up to all the groups they have been 'invited' to join. Kids are constantly bombarded with sports team invites etc. It is OK to say NO. You need downtime with them to know what they are thinking and worried about instead of running around like a nut trying to get them to their 'new- extra' activities that so and so are in.
Glad to see interest in languages. Grasping another language early is so much easier. Learning English [my 4th out of necessity] as a young adult wasn't easy. True story, I ended working for a community that spoke my 2nd language for 14 years. You just never know.
 
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