KIDS What Would You Have Done Differently?

[iLander]

All these kids threads got me thinking about things I would have done differently when raising mine. They're both adults now, great people, but I wish I had done a few things differently.

--Instead of rushing to be sure they felt no pain, I would have pointed out "how do you think the other person feels?" I dunno, can you teach empathy? DS is lacking in this.

--I realize now that when you make them the center of your world, they tend to be . . . well . . . self centered.

--I would have taught my son to flush Every time, during the potty training years. This became problematic later on, when he became uncomfortable with the flush noise.

--There would have been more "let's earn the money for that" rather than "lets go buy it". They spend a lot more than they save.

--I would have explained that LYING IS BAD. Somehow, I missed this with one of them. I thought it went without saying. Apparently, it DOESN'T! Maybe church would have been good, I dunno.

I offer this thread as (uncertain, we're all just guessing here) advice for those in the thick of it with kids. What advice do you have? Or questions?

 

[iLander]

This occurred to me: not worth it to fight over what they eat. I did that with DS for 5 years, trying to get him to eat healthy. Result was he didn't eat much at all. Finally gave that up, and a year later he was eating fine. With the second one, I just didn't even try it. All mac n cheese? Fine, we'll buy the organic and you can eat it all day long. Now she's grown up and eats super healthy, lots of veggies, etc. Should have just saved my energy.

 

[azstonie]

Been confident enough to have had a few!

But I taught for 15 years and had the pleasure of other's people's cool kiddos.

 

[SB621]

Perhaps I shouldn't comment on this as I still have toddlers but something we are addressing right now is geared towards my daughter. We constantly call her beautiful and our little princess. She doesn't act spoil at all so that is not the problem. Someone called her smart the other day and her response was, " No I'm not smart I'm beautiful!" Right.... I think we are now going to focus and start telling her how smart and funny she is vs. focusing on her looks which we weren't even thinking about but just call her beautiful/ princess out of habit.

Ilander I actually really enjoyed your initial post.

 

[missy]

All these kids threads got me thinking about things I would have done differently when raising mine. They're both adults now, great people, but I wish I had done a few things differently.

--Instead of rushing to be sure they felt no pain, I would have pointed out "how do you think the other person feels?" I dunno, can you teach empathy? DS is lacking in this.

--I realize now that when you make them the center of your world, they tend to be . . . well . . . self centered.

--I would have taught my son to flush Every time, during the potty training years. This became problematic later on, when he became uncomfortable with the flush noise.

--There would have been more "let's earn the money for that" rather than "lets go buy it". They spend a lot more than they save.

--I would have explained that LYING IS BAD. Somehow, I missed this with one of them. I thought it went without saying. Apparently, it DOESN'T! Maybe church would have been good, I dunno.

I offer this thread as (uncertain, we're all just guessing here) advice for those in the thick of it with kids. What advice do you have? Or questions?

Love your post iLander. I am not sure if you can teach empathy but at least one should try. I think it is perhaps one of the most important qualities a person can possess. It's what gives us our humanity IMO.

Also love the flushing thoughts lol. I know I wish my MIL had taught her 3 boys (well at least my dh) that putting down the toilet seat is a must do haha. I have retrained him from the bad habit he had of leaving the toilet seat up 15 years ago but it wasn't easy. But other than that my MIL did an amazing job raising my dh.

I don't have kids but if I did one thing I would have driven home to them would have been to always feel safe coming to me or my dh with anything at all. Never fear talking to us about any topic and knowing that no matter what we would always love them. That's how my parents raised us and it was a good way to grow up.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Mine are only 4 and 6, so I've plenty of time to screw them up , but the one thing I wish we would've done differently is with discipline- being consistent from the start and not giving in when one of them (*ahem* DS) whined. It's taking a lot more work now to undo the negative effects of that.

 

[Maria D]

-Model/Teach room privacy at the earliest age possible. I always kept both our bedroom doors open, even though we had a baby monitor. When she was a baby, I closed our door when we were having sex and opened it immediately after finishing. No problem, she was sleeping through the whole thing. Fast forward to later years - she's not going to bed until AFTER DH & I want to do it. So we had to wait until after she was asleep to get started, LOL. That's actually my advice to all new parents - get a monitor and shut both bedroom doors. Knock on kid's door before entering and teach them to always knock on yours too.

-iLander, right there with you on the healthy eating. I had the mac&cheese kid too! Now she's a total health nut and teaches *me* new ways to cook things. Total waste of my time/energy on her earlier dietary habits.

-Praised her accomplishments differently.

Not done this:
Oh wow 100! You're so smart!
Wow, you really have a knack for puzzles.
You're such a natural swimmer!

Done this instead:
Hey, great grade, your hard work really paid off.
Look at how persistent you are at solving that puzzle, you got grit girl.
All that practice in the pool really shows- your form is fantastic!

The first way actually backfires. Praising kids for their natural talent rather than the effort it took for them to succeed actually lowers self-esteem. I read the book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck a couple of years ago and learned to completely change how I interact with my students. It makes a *huge* difference. Saying something along the lines of "you're so smart" when a student does well does not inspire her to keep trying when things get difficult. Quite the opposite, it leaves her with the feeling that she's not smart enough when things don't come easily, so she gives up.

I wish I had this knowledge when my own child was younger! That's my other advice to new parents - put down the "What to Expect" books and read Carol Dweck.

 

[chrono]

I'm still in the process of screwing up my children. I do like the suggestion of phasing my encouragement differently, geared more towards recognizing that consistently working hard achieved the results.

 

[LaraOnline]

Fantastic thread and interesting question iLander! I am more than willing to learn from the ladies who have gone before.
Maria, I totally hear you on the self esteem/ 'smart' issue and am trying to address this with my kids.
I can see how the 'smart' label could really inhibit their learning.
It's hard not to rush to tell them how clever they are though.

I hope I am doing the right thing by my 7yearold boy. Middle child only boy between two girls
He seems so quick to tears and often seems to lean towards the negative side of life.

There has been some improvement and his attitude to school has improved a lot recently.
He shows potential scholastically and brought home a good report this term.

I don't know why he seems so fragile and am trying a little tough love (as well as not so tough love lol he's only little) in an effort to straighten him up and get him feeling robust and positive.
It's almost as if he has psychological issues, the weight of the world on his shoulders, and I just can't work out why.
He is a bit of a loner but quite social and accepted at school.
Any tips or advice I would gladly hear.

 

[tyty333]

I only have one grown (he's 20, so take that with a grain of salt). I still have 2 that I'm working on. Knock on wood this one looks like
he is going to turn out ok but I feel like I was doing a lot of "flying by the seat of my pants". His father and I are divorced so consistent
rules were pretty much out of the question. He lives at his Dad's house and one thing that I have noticed that I think has been good
for him is that he is pretty much on his own over there. If he wants food, he has to buy and cook it. He has to do his own laundry and
his Dad gives him jobs to do (yard work, garage work) and leaves him to get it done. He is going to school and will have is 2 year
degree soon...then off to a 4 year school.(knock on wood)

With my other 2 (13 and 10)...
I wish I had been more constant/consistent with rules and corrective behavior. I wish I was able to think of all possibilities and
the consequences to go with them in advance (and let them know). Seems like I am only able to think of things I should have
told them after the facts and give them consequences afterwards. I feel like I am constantly having to modify my thinking which
makes it hard to keep up with all the decisions/consequences I have made.

I wish I had been better at telling my kids how I expect them to behave when we go somewhere and to let them know the consequences
if they didnt. (Seems I just assumed that they would behave then was upset/shocked/embarrassed when they didn't).

Wish I was better at figuring out chores for them to do and sticking with it.

Wish I had a good allowance system. It's difficult to figure out what to pay them (they complain that I don't pay enough) then how do
you figure out what they are required to buy. If we go out for ice cream do they have to spend their own money or does Mom buy?
If we want to go to a movie and one has enough money but the other doesn't then what? I just dont have a good system that is
easy to stick with.

And that's just the start of my list of things I wish I was doing differently but I'll leave it at that!

 

[yennyfire]

Awesome post iLander!! I'll take all of the advice I can get from those who have "been there, done that". So, can I ask all of you Mom's who've said you wish you hadn't struggled/argued over healthy meals a couple of questions?

My DD (7) is really picky....always has been. We don't really argue over what she eats, it's more like "this is what's for dinner, eat what's on your plate and you can have dessert, if you choose not to eat it, no dessert". I should add that what I put on her plate usually consists on 3-4 bite sized pieces of protein (chicken, fish, etc. all cooked in a kid friendly way....if the recipe has sauce, I wash it off, panko crusted baked fish, etc....nothing too scary), 3-4 bites of veggie, a portion of grain (rice, pasta, bread) and a bowl of fresh fruit (which she devours!)....so it's not like I'm giving her a mountain of food. It STILL takes her at least 30-40 minutes to eat and she's usually making faces...not outright complaining because she knows that will get her excused from the table, but enough so that I know she's not happy.

Dinner time at our house is MISERABLE. I get grumpy because here I've spent my time meal planning, shopping and cooking and she rarely likes what I put on her plate. It's frustrating and we don't really have much conversation at the table because doing so slows her down even more and I just want dinner over with.

Soooo....should I just give up and cook separate meals for her? I'd give anything to have pleasant family dinners for a change. What do you suggest?? I'm willing to admit defeat and start fresh!!

I will say that my DS puts both the seat and the lid down every time and both of my kids have manners (sometimes they forget to put napkins on their lap), but they always say please/thank you and chew with their mouths closed!

We do make them save money to buy the things that they want, though I have been known the surprise them with something they've been saving for...the joy on their face is totally worth it. Of course, they are pretty entitled and get almost everything they want eventually (we just broke down and got an Xbox while DS was away at camp....he's been begging for a couple of years...and we gave him my iPad, since I don't really use it. Of course, now we are struggling with setting limits on electronics time, but I think that will go away on it's own once school starts up.

We (ahem, *I*) am working on not jumping in to fix things for them or do things for them, but to give them the tools/skills to do things themselves. The list of things that have been challenging is long:

--Buying them shoes with laces rather than Velcro so that they learned to tie their shoes (edited to add that we accomplished this a few years ago)
--Teaching my DD to wash her own hair so that it wasn't a tangled mess that she couldn't brush/comb
--Teaching them to apply their own sunscreen...ugh!
--Cutting their own food (I think I'll be getting new dishes soon, as mine now have knife scratches all over them!!)
--Teaching them to be organized about where they put their backpacks, writing things in their planners, etc. (DS would lose his head if it wasn't attached and I know that organization doesn't come naturally to him, but it's going to be key to surviving middle/high school/college)....
--And of course, teaching them to always be kind, even when others aren't kind to them...sometimes I just want to tell them to be mean back, but I know that in the long run, they will be better human beings.....

I could go on and on....raising kids IS hard work, but the hugs/smiles/love is totally worth it. I can't imagine my life without them, even though we'd be wealthy and retired by now if we didn't have them!!

 

[LaraOnline]

I already think that a more consistent set of expectations from the get go might have had better results... My children are already slightly defiant as in they will quietly let things go through to the keeper when I'm not monitoring them every step...
Sunscreen is an issue for me as all three of my kids will fight tooth and nail to avoid it.
DH doesn't help because he has always rolled his eyes at the sunscreen and is quite happy to tell me how annoying I am with sunscreen application ..in front of the children.

Oh well we can't all be suburban goddesses I guess. I can't stand the routine of being perfect. LOL.

 

[yennyfire]

Oh well we can't all be suburban goddesses I guess. I can't stand the routine of being perfect. LOL.

 

[tyty333]

yennyfire...I can't say this is the right answer but if you do give up and start serving her different food that she will eat...let HER
make her own dinner. Like fix a peanut butter/jelly sandwich, turkey/cheese sandwich, roll up sandwich, scrambled eggs etc.
I wouldn't do thework for her. Stoffers and Viola make some pasta stir fry that my son likes. Basically you just pour them in the
pan with a little water and stand there and stir them. You will probably have to watch what she is doing but I think you should put
the onus on her to fix herself a good meal if she wont eat what you are fixing ( and hopefully this is just a couple nights a week and not every meal).

I hate that we have different meals but I gave up on that battle. My older son was picky too and now that he is an adult he eats
pretty much everything.

 

[yennyfire]

yennyfire...I can't say this is the right answer but if you do give up and start serving her different food that she will eat...let HER
make her own dinner. Like fix a peanut butter/jelly sandwich, turkey/cheese sandwich, roll up sandwich, scrambled eggs etc.
I wouldn't do thework for her. Stoffers and Viola make some pasta stir fry that my son likes. Basically you just pour them in the
pan with a little water and stand there and stir them. You will probably have to watch what she is doing but I think you should put
the onus on her to fix herself a good meal if she wont eat what you are fixing ( and hopefully this is just a couple nights a week and not every meal).

I hate that we have different meals but I gave up on that battle. My older son was picky too and now that he is an adult he eats
pretty much everything.

Thanks tyty...great advice. I'm not sure that it would have occurred to me to make her prepare her own meal, but that's the right thing to do. Glad to know that your son now eats everything. That gives me hope!

 

[LaraOnline]

Interesting suggestion, tyty. I should try getting my kids to make food for themselves.
They are currently very good at rummaging out the cooking chocolate from the pantry.

Yenny I suppose you have tried the good ol' blended up veges in the pasta sauce or perhaps in a ground beef / mince sauce in pies or lasagne, even in steamed dumpling wrappers.

It can take a while to cook down because there is a lot of moisture in it but this is a trick I use very regularly to get veges into my darlings.

They eat capsicum, celery, eggplant, zucchini etc etc and of course broccoli cauliflower and carrot without twigging.
Savoury vege muffins with a little cheese all whole meal flour works well too esp if warmed up.
Sorry if I'm being screamingly obvious...

 

[MichelleCarmen]

So many things I'd do differently...

Years ago, I watched a documentary on PSB which talked of giving kids choices, by asking kids, "would you rather have or do A or B?", then respecting the child's choice(s). I tried this early on because the reasoning was the kids would have more self confidence. Well, my younger is extremely confident but he also always expects his way now. We get in silly arguments...like over which grocery store to go to or just general fussing over microscopic things. He gave me the silent treatment recently and I had to say, "Dude, seriously?", before he mellowed out over that.

I also would have banned my older son from reading about GMOs and non-organic foods on the internet bc he is obsessed and it costs too much $$$$$$ to feed him.

 

[iLander]

On the eating: I just made a meal for the family and put it on the table. End of story.

Some nights we have DH's favorite, some nights my favorite, some nights DS's favorite, etc. Whoever is doing the cooking, gets to decide.

Not your night? Tough. If you're hungry you'll eat some part of it, life isn't all about pleasing you.

They're kids. They can be ignored a little more. Really won't kill them.

My parents never ONCE considered what I wanted to eat, and I turned out okay.

It took a while, but he ate. Now he's a "foodie".

ETA: I did make them take a vitamin (pill, not those low potency gummies) every day. We all took it with dinner, no discussion, it's just what we did. Took the pressure off me a little, so if they didn't eat my balanced dinner, at least they got their vitamins.

 

[iLander]

Perhaps I shouldn't comment on this as I still have toddlers but something we are addressing right now is geared towards my daughter. We constantly call her beautiful and our little princess. She doesn't act spoil at all so that is not the problem. Someone called her smart the other day and her response was, " No I'm not smart I'm beautiful!" Right.... I think we are now going to focus and start telling her how smart and funny she is vs. focusing on her looks which we weren't even thinking about but just call her beautiful/ princess out of habit.

Ilander I actually really enjoyed your initial post.

I'm glad you caught this early! Good for you! I just read an article about telling kids they're smart, and how it backfires when work is required.

When DD was growing up, my nickname for her was (Still is) "Beautiful". Her nickname for me is "Gorgeous". One day she started to look funny when she said "Gorgeous", she was starting to understand about physical appearance. So we had a talk. I said "Do you know why I call you beautiful? Because you are kind, smart, funny, hardworking and pretty. Beautiful is mostly inside, and my gorgeous is about me caring, and being strong," etc. Ever since, she takes joy in calling me gorgeous. Even though, physically, I'm not. You need to define the words to work for you. I thought it was important, early on, to make her feel physically attractive, because no one had ever done that for me, but it wasn't the focus of her personality.

We also used a lot of phrases in our conversations like "(our surname) means hardworking in German". And we often say things, like "you're not afraid of hard work, are you? Look at that, it's cool!" We decided hard working is the most important trait and we really do say it often. And with DD, it really paid off.

 

[yennyfire]

Lara, veggies aren't our problem, protein is. The only proteins she likes are hot dogs, cheeseburgers, meatloaf (but NOT meatballs or meat in lasagna or any other form), cheese and eggs (but only scrambled with cheese...no frittata's with veggies, etc.). She actually eats quite a variety of veggies, assuming they are prepared to her liking!

iLander, I do pretty much what you said and meal time is miserable. I usually do a "breakfast for dinner" once every couple of weeks because she eats scrambled eggs and challah French toast and we do hamburgers once every couple of weeks too...I will do steak and hot dogs (DS eats steak, DD eats hotdogs) and pizza every so often, but other than that, there aren't any meals she likes.

I guess what you're saying is let her eat just the roll, veggie and fruit and not insist that she eat the protein? I guess she won't starve or be so unhealthy, especially since I pack her school lunches (the few times I let her buy, friends would report that she got a salad with ranch dressing, but literally ate the dressing with a spoon and not any of the salad or she ate the chips from the nachos, but not the cheese sauce, beans, meat, etc.

You're probably right...it will be worth it to have pleasant family dinners, even if one of us isn't eating dinner!

I had already planned and prepared dinner (grilled chicken) and grilled corn on the cob (which she likes)...so I'm going for it tonight. She can serve herself what she wants and I will keep my mouth shut!

 

[iLander]

Wish I was better at figuring out chores for them to do and sticking with it.

Wish I had a good allowance system. It's difficult to figure out what to pay them (they complain that I don't pay enough) then how do
you figure out what they are required to buy. If we go out for ice cream do they have to spend their own money or does Mom buy?
If we want to go to a movie and one has enough money but the other doesn't then what? I just dont have a good system that is
easy to stick with.

And that's just the start of my list of things I wish I was doing differently but I'll leave it at that!

Yeah, no, I could never make this happen either.

On the allowances, we paid whenever we went out as a family, so allowance was just for extras, like toys or things they wanted to buy for themselves. They didn't "need" anything that was paid for by allowances, it was all "want" stuff.

 

[iLander]

Lara, veggies aren't our problem, protein is. The only proteins she likes are hot dogs, cheeseburgers, meatloaf (but NOT meatballs or meat in lasagna or any other form), cheese and eggs (but only scrambled with cheese...no frittata's with veggies, etc.). She actually eats quite a variety of veggies, assuming they are prepared to her liking!

iLander, I do pretty much what you said and meal time is miserable. I usually do a "breakfast for dinner" once every couple of weeks because she eats scrambled eggs and challah French toast and we do hamburgers once every couple of weeks too...I will do steak and hot dogs (DS eats steak, DD eats hotdogs) and pizza every so often, but other than that, there aren't any meals she likes.

I guess what you're saying is let her eat just the roll, veggie and fruit and not insist that she eat the protein? I guess she won't starve or be so unhealthy, especially since I pack her school lunches (the few times I let her buy, friends would report that she got a salad with ranch dressing, but literally ate the dressing with a spoon and not any of the salad or she ate the chips from the nachos, but not the cheese sauce, beans, meat, etc.

You're probably right...it will be worth it to have pleasant family dinners, even if one of us isn't eating dinner!

I had already planned and prepared dinner (grilled chicken) and grilled corn on the cob (which she likes)...so I'm going for it tonight. She can serve herself what she wants and I will keep my mouth shut!

Yup. My DD ate mac n cheese (which has precious little protein) for years. She's fine. Let it go. DS ate almost nothing. I stopped giving him attention (that's what the food thing is really about) and he ate. He eats tons (30 years old!) now, but still skinny as a stick. Don't give them something to rebel against now, there's plenty of that later.

 

[yennyfire]

Lara, veggies aren't our problem, protein is. The only proteins she likes are hot dogs, cheeseburgers, meatloaf (but NOT meatballs or meat in lasagna or any other form), cheese and eggs (but only scrambled with cheese...no frittata's with veggies, etc.). She actually eats quite a variety of veggies, assuming they are prepared to her liking!

iLander, I do pretty much what you said and meal time is miserable. I usually do a "breakfast for dinner" once every couple of weeks because she eats scrambled eggs and challah French toast and we do hamburgers once every couple of weeks too...I will do steak and hot dogs (DS eats steak, DD eats hotdogs) and pizza every so often, but other than that, there aren't any meals she likes.

I guess what you're saying is let her eat just the roll, veggie and fruit and not insist that she eat the protein? I guess she won't starve or be so unhealthy, especially since I pack her school lunches (the few times I let her buy, friends would report that she got a salad with ranch dressing, but literally ate the dressing with a spoon and not any of the salad or she ate the chips from the nachos, but not the cheese sauce, beans, meat, etc.

You're probably right...it will be worth it to have pleasant family dinners, even if one of us isn't eating dinner!

I had already planned and prepared dinner (grilled chicken) and grilled corn on the cob (which she likes)...so I'm going for it tonight. She can serve herself what she wants and I will keep my mouth shut!

Yup. My DD ate mac n cheese (which has precious little protein) for years. She's fine. Let it go. DS ate almost nothing. I stopped giving him attention (that's what the food thing is really about) and he ate. He eats tons (30 years old!) now, but still skinny as a stick. Don't give them something to rebel against now, there's plenty of that later.

Sage advice! I'm going to try it tonight and will let you know how it goes... Fingers crossed!

 

[jaysonsmom]

So far so good (crossing fingers), so I don't know what I'd do differently until I see the fruits of my labor as adults. They are 12 and 10.

One thing that I can't seem to understand, is that I always have to prompt they to say please and thank you. I feel that at this age, they don't need to be prompted. A good example is when the snack mom brings snacks after a basketball game....They just grab a snack and a drink like they're famished...and I have to remind them to thank the snack mom! This is something I have "prompted" since they learned to talk. I wonder if I need to stop prompting them so they learn to do it themselves?

As for eating...both my kids had eating issues, my son was not a fan of veggies as a toddler, and my daughter was not a fan of meat. I made them both sit and finish what I gave them, whether it took 30 minutes or up to 3 hours. I know this is not recommended, but they were both told that they would not be excused until the "offending food" was gone. Fast forward to present day, they are both non-picky eaters, and we can go anywhere to eat with the kids. They quite a widespread palate for different cuisines. My niece who was raised eating only chicken nuggets and other salty fastfood is still eating like that at 20, and it's beginning to show in her skinny yet poochy physique and lack of energy.

 

[iLander]

Sage advice! I'm going to try it tonight and will let you know how it goes... Fingers crossed!

Oh, I forgot to mention, I stopped putting food on his plate. There's something about an empty plate that made him, after a few days, put food on his own plate and eat it. Also, everyone else had food on their plate, so that seemed to indicate he was missing out on something. Not sure if this will work for you, but whatever you choose to do, give it plenty of time.

 

[iLander]

So far so good (crossing fingers), so I don't know what I'd do differently until I see the fruits of my labor as adults. They are 12 and 10.

One thing that I can't seem to understand, is that I always have to prompt they to say please and thank you. I feel that at this age, they don't need to be prompted. A good example is when the snack mom brings snacks after a basketball game....They just grab a snack and a drink like they're famished...and I have to remind them to thank the snack mom! This is something I have "prompted" since they learned to talk. I wonder if I need to stop prompting them so they learn to do it themselves?

As for eating...both my kids had eating issues, my son was not a fan of veggies as a toddler, and my daughter was not a fan of meat. I made them both sit and finish what I gave them, whether it took 30 minutes or up to 3 hours. I know this is not recommended, but they were both told that they would not be excused until the "offending food" was gone. Fast forward to present day, they are both non-picky eaters, and we can go anywhere to eat with the kids. They quite a widespread palate for different cuisines. My niece who was raised eating only chicken nuggets and other salty fastfood is still eating like that at 20, and it's beginning to show in her skinny yet poochy physique and lack of energy.

Well, I'm glad this worked for you, but it sure didn't work for my grandparents, lol. They tried that, and it was misery for me. The power struggle eventually escalated to them hitting me (and worse) when I wouldn't eat. Their excuse was that I was "anorexic", but really I had a fast metabolism, and genetically, I could pack away the food, it just didn't stick. It got to the point where, in my later years, I would burst out crying if someone put a plate full of food in front of me (unless it was a restaurant). DH knows not to fix a plate for me, ever. Still.

I'm glad it worked for you, though, and I know you would never be mean to your kids. Your post just brought it to mind.

I should mention that when my son wouldn't eat, I'd just get irritated with him, no sitting until his plate was clean, and definitely no hitting. It was more of a plea "just try one bite" kinda thing. Glad I gave that up!

 

[yennyfire]

Sage advice! I'm going to try it tonight and will let you know how it goes... Fingers crossed!

Oh, I forgot to mention, I stopped putting food on his plate. There's something about an empty plate that made him, after a few days, put food on his own plate and eat it. Also, everyone else had food on their plate, so that seemed to indicate he was missing out on something. Not sure if this will work for you, but whatever you choose to do, give it plenty of time.

I need a thumbs up emotie!! Thanks iLander!

Jaysonsmom, good for you for finding something that worked for you. My daughter vomited on her plate when I told her she couldn't leave the table til her food was gone. She kept trying to swallow (chicken in this case), but just couldnt do it. I think that she psyched herself out. Yuck!

As for the please/thank you, I wonder if maybe the kids around them aren't polite so they follow suit? For what it's worth, I still see plenty of kids at 7-10 who don't have good manners and I know that their parents have to prompt them. Eventually, they will do it without your having to remind them....

 

[chrono]

iLander,
Food issues are very difficult for the parents at that moment in time. I hope my niece will outgrow her food fussiness. She refuses to eat anything but fruit and the occasional grain. She is very underweight, has little energy during sports but still refuses to eat. She skips school lunches almost everyday and nibbles selectively at breakfast and dinner. Although she is 8, she can wear clothing meant for a 3 to 5 year old. Your post gives me some measure of hope that this too will pass.

 

[vc10um]

Not a parent here but wanted to comment on a few things...

::snip::

--Cutting their own food (I think I'll be getting new dishes soon, as mine now have knife scratches all over them!!)

::snip::

yenny, completely unrelated, but depending on what material your dishes are made from, they may not be scratches at all, just microscopic trails of metal that have actually been sheared off your utensils. This happens with ceramics (ie: Fiestaware) because they're technically a harder material than the metal silverware. If you have ceramic or like material dishes, I'd recommend cleaning them with something like Barkeepers Friend before going off and buying all new dishware!

::snip::

-Praised her accomplishments differently.

Not done this:
Oh wow 100! You're so smart!
Wow, you really have a knack for puzzles.
You're such a natural swimmer!

Done this instead:
Hey, great grade, your hard work really paid off.
Look at how persistent you are at solving that puzzle, you got grit girl.
All that practice in the pool really shows- your form is fantastic!

::snip::

I am a product of the first type of praise, and I am 100% the stereotype result. I wish this research had been done before I grew up...I think there are some things in my life I would've approached much differently! It's such a hard mindset to overcome, too. Even at 30 I still find myself battling it on a weekly basis.

As a potential future parent, I'm reading this thread with rapt attention...thank you all for your honesty and candor!

 

[yennyfire]

Thanks vc10um, I'll try that....I'm not sure what mine are made of...they are not ceramic though....

I wasn't rushing out to get new dishes any time soon, but if I can make the ones I have look better, that would be terrific!