Do you regrets having kids?

[Dreamer_D]

The love you have for a child is something you can't describe - it just has to be experienced. I think there are probably some people who are disappointed in the way their children turned out or in the relationship that they have with them. I think there are fewer still that would honestly say they regret it. Children add another dimension to your life that can't be compared to anything else - not pets, not nieces and nephews, not anything. There are people who choose to remain childless and I respect them for their decision. I am very happy that I had my two children and would not trade that experience for anything else In life. They are now grown and starting their own families. Being a grandparent expands the world of your children to another very enjoyable level.

For some people, raising their children and sometimes their grandchildren, has been challenging. It can be a financial challenge, a personal challenge and probably a lot of heartache when situations went bad through divorce or death. I still don't think most of those folks would have regretted having the children - they would have just wished that circumstances could have been different.

I would never counsel anyone to either have or not have children - and that includes my own children. It is a very personal decision and will require a huge amount of commitment and often sacrifice. It makes you step outside of the 'me' realm of life and often times consider someone else's well being before your own. From that, some of life's greatest rewards are found. For me, it was one of the greatest privileges of my life and certainly not something I have ever regretted.

I could not have said this any better! I feel exactly the same way MGR. My sons are the most interesting and wonderful people I know and I am so lucky to be able to know them for the rest of my life.

I am not an ooey gooey mommy type, and I have a demanding career I love that takes a lot of my time and energy. Yet my life would feel hollow without my kids and the sense of family and connectedness I get from my kids and husband. My husband and I fantasize all the time about how rich we would be if we didn't have kids, and we love to imagine our lives when we are older and retired without kids, but being parents together is amazing and I don't regret it at all no matter the challenges (and there are many!). Most of the most meaningful and fulfilling things I have done in my life involved sacrifice, hard work, sometimes negative emotions... But it was all so worth it in the end, and kids are no different! Parenting is really the most interesting and eye opening thing I have ever done in my life!

 

[bluegirl123]

Initially, yes. The LO is now almost 8 months old, but yes, I did initially because the change in lifestyle was/is HUGE. Maybe it was the postpartum acting up, but had some frank conversations with DH and he appeared to feel similar but not to the extent of regret. Now I'm getting more "mommy-er" every day and cant imagine life without the LO

For the record, we are in our late 20s/early 30s and both wanted kids, DH more so than me. However, because having a baby was/is so different than what we had expected, DH is now firmly done with just one child. I, on the other hand, am not so sure sometimes....

 

[Jennifer W]

Some people regret having kids. I know a few, and I know some who regret aspects of their changed lives, while not actually regretting having the children. I think that's probably not unusual. I never really wanted children. I was quite complete and happy without, and kids never really featured in my plans. I never dreamed of having a family, and my own relationship with my mother has always been difficult. I liked my life and my marriage just fine.

I had a baby when I was in my 30s after deciding that maybe it would be ok (I admit, I thought we had a few years of trying ahead of us, plenty time for a change of heart... nope). As it happens, I have no regrets. I think there are a few variables in there though, and some that were out of my own control. Firstly, I have a child I get along with. After the baby and toddler stage, which comes with its own demands, it's another person living in your house. I think it helps a lot in all sorts of ways if you like and enjoy each other. That I have deep love for her isn't the point. Loving a child is on a different level, and I didn't understand it until I had one. Liking the child? I think that might be different. Enjoying their company probably is too. If I didn't like hanging out with her and if we didn't enjoy each others' personalities like we do, I might well regret having to give so much of myself. As it is, I don't at all. I got a fairly easy baby, and an easy to love child. I totally understand that not all children are easy to raise, and it's luck on my part, rather than anything I did or did not do that mine is easy to love, parent and live with. On that score, it's a bit of a gamble. My daughter completes me, and completes my husband in a way that's hard to describe, but that's because of who she is as much as because she's our kid.

The other big, big thing that features in making my life with a child so good is that I waited until I was quite sure that my spouse saw his role as being one of two parents. I was clear that he saw no distinction between 'parent' and 'mother' or 'father'. Because I don't want to be responsible for it all, or even most of it. I don't want to be in charge of the drudge work. I don't want to do more than my share of stuff. I emphatically do not wish to have a husband who 'helps' me with family life. I know plenty people with the opposite view and that's none of my business, not something it would be appropriate for me to have a view on, or comment on. Each to their own, for sure. I just had to be 100% certain that my spouse wasn't one of them, as I personally wouldn't have been willing to have a child in those circumstances.

On balance, we have a richer, happier and more satisfying life with a child than without (and I'd like to think we're giving her a good life too). So many variables that could have tipped it in the other direction, though.

I'd never suggest to someone else that they should have a child. My experience is just that - mine. Others will be different. You might regret it, or you might not - I think most people don't regret it, and that while it isn't unheard of, regret for the whole enterprise is probably comparatively rare. If you have significant doubts, and you're happy as you are, I'd give it a miss until or if you feel differently. Because for good or bad, it is certainly a huge life change! Good luck with your decision.

 

[rosetta]

My biological clock is broken

I really love my life. We work hard, travel a lot, I have a wonderful extended family with tons of nieces and nephews to cuddle and loads of free time and money (I don't think we would have been able to pull six figure salaries if we'd stepped off the ladder to have kids, I may be wrong but I don't think so). I never feel anything is lacking in my life and I get to exercise my nurturing side by looking after my family and my patients. I don't worry about being lonely in my old age, as I have a brother, a sister, a husband, 13 aunts, 4 uncles, 53 first cousins and 7 nieces and 8 nephews. I barely have time for friends. I've discounted my parents and parents in law in case they don't live another 50 years.

I don't think of my life as selfish, as having kids would be just as selfish: everyone has them because they want to, not for the betterment of society. It's a completely natural selfish urge, that I just don't happen to have. If I never have kids, it would be because I never wanted them, rather than because I didn't want to give up a certain lifestyle IYSWIM.

Having said that, I do treasure the ability to be spontaneous in my life. My parents just flew into the north of the UK last week with no notice. We can just go up and spend four days with them now with very little hassle. Sometimes we just wake up and pop over to Paris for the weekend. I've often taken concert, show, play tickets off people who couldn't make a last minute gig, as most of the time, we can. We book a lot of last minute holidays at great prices, but I really just enjoy walking out the door for whatever, whenever the mood takes us. My husband only wants kids if he can continue the life we have, and that's simply impossible! It's 11 am and I'm enjoying a late breakfast in bed that my husband just brought me. Bliss.

If the baby fever strikes, then great: I'll have a bunch of them and they'll fit right into my huge family who'd all look after them. Lifestyle be damned! If not, then I'd be more than happy with my life as it is. This is the life I've always wanted, at this point in my life.

 

[missy]

I would maybe search on reddit or ask metafilter for answers to this. I imagine they've covered it in exhaustive depth several times over.
http://ask.metafilter.com/10368/Do-You-Regret-Not-Having-Children for instance

The most interesting responses I've read have been from the parents of special-needs children.

For all the truth about the innate physiological rewards of mothering, he says, “The happy people are the ones who wanted kids and had them or didn’t want kids and didn’t have them.” - http://www.salon.com/2003/05/06/breeding/

That's something I can easily believe, lol.

This is exactly how I feel. The happiest people are those that are content with their lot in life and the decisions they make to that end.

I know many happy parents who love their children with all their hearts and would never ever want to consider life without them. And I know many couples who are childless by choice and also very happy with that decision.

My dh and I are one of those couples. We never had the desire to have children. Some might call us selfish but it's more that we are self aware. If it had happened (by accident) I would have made peace with that and still had a happy life I have no doubt. Different but still happy. But I also have no doubt we made the right decision for us.

And like rosetta, my biological clock was always broken (though the jury is still out for our dear rosetta as she is still young and has time to make that final decision). I knew from a young age children were not for me. I don't know why but I am lacking that maternal gene and perhaps there is a reason for it and it was meant to be that I do not have children of my own. But for whatever reason that my biological clock never kicked in my dh and I are happy with our decision we made over 15 years ago and never had any regrets.

This is the life we chose with eyes wide open and I think as long as you do that looking at it from all angles that's the best you can do. Don't give in to societal pressures. Choose the path right for you and make no apologies. Best of luck and don't worry. You will figure it out one way or another. And then no matter which path you choose make the best of it and you will be happy.

 

[lknvrb4]

Nope, I love my kids more than anything on this earth and can't imagine my life without them. On the other hand, I have friends who decided to never have children and I do envy their lifestyle at times. I miss being able to pick up and run off without worrying about having someone to watch my kids.

 

[Dancing Fire]

IMO, if you going to have kids have them early in life..

while my friends were out having fun partying in their late 20's I had to stay home and change diapers. I'm the youngest among my friends but my kids are the oldest b/c they decided to have kids later on in life. I wouldn't wanted to trade places with them now b/c they're still changing diapers in their late 40's and early 50's. I gave up my freedoms in my late 20's and early 30's to have freedoms in my early 50's, in fact DD #1 cook and serve us dinner at least twice a week at her house now...

 

[missy]

IMO, if you going to have kids have them early in life..

while my friends were out having fun partying in their late 20's I had to stay home and change diapers. I'm the youngest among my friends but my kids are the oldest b/c they decided to have kids later on in life. I wouldn't wanted to trade places with them now b/c they're still changing diapers in their late 40's and early 50's.

I agree with this statement in principle. But in reality life doesn't always work out the way you intend. These days many young couples are not yet settled enough in their careers and marriage to start a family and need to wait a bit longer to do so.

My mom had me when she was around 21 and it was lovely growing up with young parents. My dad was a bit older at age 30 but he was still relatively young. I finished graduate school and my mom was still in her 40's. Very different than most of my friends who have children now.

Pros and cons to both being a young parent vs older parent and I agree that raising children can be tough physically and the younger you are the better able one can handle that aspect. But then there's the financial aspect and the emotional maturity and readiness aspect that needs to be factored in as well.

There is no one neat formula that fits all couples and all one can do is choose what works best for them.

 

[MMtwo]

I never wanted kids. I liked my life being mine as I wanted it. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

Saying that, my darling child was not anticipated...and there I was.

I am sometimes still selfish, but for the first time in my life I loved someone more than myself. There were growing pains as I learned to be a better person and less self involved. I did grow to love him very much. When I had him I felt sort of neutral and the love snuck up on me over the first few weeks. That was lucky for both of us because my first is a special needs kid. He was also a beautiful, loving kid who stole my heart. He still is one of the kindest humans I ever met.

The second child just showed me what it must be like to live with me. She is the queen of SNARK and tells me she is NEVER having kids. HA, okay honey. She amazes me with her inner strength and resiliency.

So now 22 years later and looking back on things...I am thankful I had both of my children. They taught me about loving someone unconditionally. Sometimes when I am in the baby aisle, I open a bottle of Baby Magic and take a big whiff.

 

[MissGotRocks]

So interesting reading everyone's thoughts on this. There are a couple of points that come to mind:

My perspective is probably a bit different in that my kids are grown. I'm not in the throes of babyhood or teenage years. There are points and places in all of those times that certainly make you scratch your head and say "Really?" But I have come full circle with motherhood and am now a grandmother. It is in retrospect that I can say I wouldn't have changed this for the world.

Society is ever changing. There was a time when people had their children young before they even fully realized that there was a choice to all of it. It was just what you did and that was that. Today, people finish school, establish careers and enjoy full lives. Certainly the longer you wait the harder the choice to give all that up and delve into diapers and sleepless nights. I know several people in their 50's and 60's that are childless either by choice or circumstance. They have had beautiful lives - money, travel - all the trappings of happiness. Yet who and what you are at 30 is by no means who and what you are at 60. Regardless of the choices you made, life starts to slow down a bit and priorities change yet again. A couple of those folks seem bored with themselves - they've done it all and had it all - and yet there is an empty spot. They don't fully appreciate what it is because they can't fully appreciate what they didn't have. Not to say that children are the be all, end all in life but they add a dimension - a natural progression of life - that is somehow disrupted in theirs. I see now that in a couple of them feeding their own wants and desires has become almost tedious. Never thought I would think or say that but I believe that it is true. My husband and I enjoy our lives now that the children are grown and we remember what it was like in the days before we had children. However, there is no comparison between the two because we are different - age changes lots of things in ways we could not have imagined in our younger years.

There is virtually nothing worth having that didn't require hard work and dedication. If it comes easy, it's harder to appreciate. I think a truly well rounded person has involved themselves in things that require them to step out of their comfort zone, make a sacrifice on behalf of someone other than themselves, and experience the true joy of giving and not just receiving. Children do this but so do other things in life like being committed to causes and people in lesser situations that ourselves. That's just not writing a check to a charity every month but actually committing yourself to the greater good of others in some meaningful way that doesn't involve your work and earnings.

I feel most for those on the fence I guess. Life certainly has some time stamps on it with places to make decisions that are irreversible for the remainder of your life. I can only imagine that somehow it is intended to be this way. You can't fully know what it's all about until you take the plunge. My best advice is to consider not just what new mothers are dealing with or what their lives look like but what people think and feel about it in the later years of life as well. It might begin with your own parents and their relationships with their grown children. There is always truth in numbers so talk and listen with many. It truly is a decision that affects the whole of life after the birth of a child - not just for the here and now.

 

[MMtwo]

So interesting reading everyone's thoughts on this. There are a couple of points that come to mind:

My perspective is probably a bit different in that my kids are grown. I'm not in the throes of babyhood or teenage years. There are points and places in all of those times that certainly make you scratch your head and say "Really?" But I have come full circle with motherhood and am now a grandmother. It is in retrospect that I can say I wouldn't have changed this for the world.

Society is ever changing. There was a time when people had their children young before they even fully realized that there was a choice to all of it. It was just what you did and that was that. Today, people finish school, establish careers and enjoy full lives. Certainly the longer you wait the harder the choice to give all that up and delve into diapers and sleepless nights. I know several people in their 50's and 60's that are childless either by choice or circumstance. They have had beautiful lives - money, travel - all the trappings of happiness. Yet who and what you are at 30 is by no means who and what you are at 60. Regardless of the choices you made, life starts to slow down a bit and priorities change yet again. A couple of those folks seem bored with themselves - they've done it all and had it all - and yet there is an empty spot. They don't fully appreciate what it is because they can't fully appreciate what they didn't have. Not to say that children are the be all, end all in life but they add a dimension - a natural progression of life - that is somehow disrupted in theirs. I see now that in a couple of them feeding their own wants and desires has become almost tedious. Never thought I would think or say that but I believe that it is true. My husband and I enjoy our lives now that the children are grown and we remember what it was like in the days before we had children. However, there is no comparison between the two because we are different - age changes lots of things in ways we could not have imagined in our younger years.

There is virtually nothing worth having that didn't require hard work and dedication. If it comes easy, it's harder to appreciate. I think a truly well rounded person has involved themselves in things that require them to step out of their comfort zone, make a sacrifice on behalf of someone other than themselves, and experience the true joy of giving and not just receiving. Children do this but so do other things in life like being committed to causes and people in lesser situations that ourselves. That's just not writing a check to a charity every month but actually committing yourself to the greater good of others in some meaningful way that doesn't involve your work and earnings.

I feel most for those on the fence I guess. Life certainly has some time stamps on it with places to make decisions that are irreversible for the remainder of your life. I can only imagine that somehow it is intended to be this way. You can't fully know what it's all about until you take the plunge. My best advice is to consider not just what new mothers are dealing with or what their lives look like but what people think and feel about it in the later years of life as well. It might begin with your own parents and their relationships with their grown children. There is always truth in numbers so talk and listen with many. It truly is a decision that affects the whole of life after the birth of a child - not just for the here and now.

This was beautifully written and very, very wise.

 

[gregchang35]

MGR- both of your posts are just BEAUTIFUL.

 

[mochiko42]

So interesting reading everyone's thoughts on this. There are a couple of points that come to mind:

My perspective is probably a bit different in that my kids are grown. I'm not in the throes of babyhood or teenage years. There are points and places in all of those times that certainly make you scratch your head and say "Really?" But I have come full circle with motherhood and am now a grandmother. It is in retrospect that I can say I wouldn't have changed this for the world.

Society is ever changing. There was a time when people had their children young before they even fully realized that there was a choice to all of it. It was just what you did and that was that. Today, people finish school, establish careers and enjoy full lives. Certainly the longer you wait the harder the choice to give all that up and delve into diapers and sleepless nights. I know several people in their 50's and 60's that are childless either by choice or circumstance. They have had beautiful lives - money, travel - all the trappings of happiness. Yet who and what you are at 30 is by no means who and what you are at 60. Regardless of the choices you made, life starts to slow down a bit and priorities change yet again. A couple of those folks seem bored with themselves - they've done it all and had it all - and yet there is an empty spot. They don't fully appreciate what it is because they can't fully appreciate what they didn't have. Not to say that children are the be all, end all in life but they add a dimension - a natural progression of life - that is somehow disrupted in theirs. I see now that in a couple of them feeding their own wants and desires has become almost tedious. Never thought I would think or say that but I believe that it is true. My husband and I enjoy our lives now that the children are grown and we remember what it was like in the days before we had children. However, there is no comparison between the two because we are different - age changes lots of things in ways we could not have imagined in our younger years.

There is virtually nothing worth having that didn't require hard work and dedication. If it comes easy, it's harder to appreciate. I think a truly well rounded person has involved themselves in things that require them to step out of their comfort zone, make a sacrifice on behalf of someone other than themselves, and experience the true joy of giving and not just receiving. Children do this but so do other things in life like being committed to causes and people in lesser situations that ourselves. That's just not writing a check to a charity every month but actually committing yourself to the greater good of others in some meaningful way that doesn't involve your work and earnings.

I feel most for those on the fence I guess. Life certainly has some time stamps on it with places to make decisions that are irreversible for the remainder of your life. I can only imagine that somehow it is intended to be this way. You can't fully know what it's all about until you take the plunge. My best advice is to consider not just what new mothers are dealing with or what their lives look like but what people think and feel about it in the later years of life as well. It might begin with your own parents and their relationships with their grown children. There is always truth in numbers so talk and listen with many. It truly is a decision that affects the whole of life after the birth of a child - not just for the here and now.

Thank you so, so, much for this thoughtful and insightful post.

 

[Xzuix]

Thanks for a beautifully written post. I work with a lot of elderlies and one thing I do notice they have in common is that their kids are either in a different state, or country, or even if they are in the same city they hardly see them, if ever. I know this only represents some of the population and I know there are PLENTY of happy families out there who have a strong bond. I do wonder sometimes, back again to the ultimate question: what is the purpose of having kids when one day they will be going to leave the house anyway - but this is by no means diminish the value of the journey itself, but I do am interested in the end. I come from a broken family myself and being estranged from my mother, father and siblings (long story, this deserve another topic on estranged family, but in short they do not approve of my husband) only got me thinking, trying to put myself in my mother's shoes what it feels like to be her. She claimed once she "failed" in raising me, in other words she regretted having me. Although it is her lost and I am happy with my life now with my husband, we do have second third fourth thought about having children of our own.

But thank you for everyone's post and a healthy discussion.

So interesting reading everyone's thoughts on this. There are a couple of points that come to mind:

My perspective is probably a bit different in that my kids are grown. I'm not in the throes of babyhood or teenage years. There are points and places in all of those times that certainly make you scratch your head and say "Really?" But I have come full circle with motherhood and am now a grandmother. It is in retrospect that I can say I wouldn't have changed this for the world.

Society is ever changing. There was a time when people had their children young before they even fully realized that there was a choice to all of it. It was just what you did and that was that. Today, people finish school, establish careers and enjoy full lives. Certainly the longer you wait the harder the choice to give all that up and delve into diapers and sleepless nights. I know several people in their 50's and 60's that are childless either by choice or circumstance. They have had beautiful lives - money, travel - all the trappings of happiness. Yet who and what you are at 30 is by no means who and what you are at 60. Regardless of the choices you made, life starts to slow down a bit and priorities change yet again. A couple of those folks seem bored with themselves - they've done it all and had it all - and yet there is an empty spot. They don't fully appreciate what it is because they can't fully appreciate what they didn't have. Not to say that children are the be all, end all in life but they add a dimension - a natural progression of life - that is somehow disrupted in theirs. I see now that in a couple of them feeding their own wants and desires has become almost tedious. Never thought I would think or say that but I believe that it is true. My husband and I enjoy our lives now that the children are grown and we remember what it was like in the days before we had children. However, there is no comparison between the two because we are different - age changes lots of things in ways we could not have imagined in our younger years.

There is virtually nothing worth having that didn't require hard work and dedication. If it comes easy, it's harder to appreciate. I think a truly well rounded person has involved themselves in things that require them to step out of their comfort zone, make a sacrifice on behalf of someone other than themselves, and experience the true joy of giving and not just receiving. Children do this but so do other things in life like being committed to causes and people in lesser situations that ourselves. That's just not writing a check to a charity every month but actually committing yourself to the greater good of others in some meaningful way that doesn't involve your work and earnings.

I feel most for those on the fence I guess. Life certainly has some time stamps on it with places to make decisions that are irreversible for the remainder of your life. I can only imagine that somehow it is intended to be this way. You can't fully know what it's all about until you take the plunge. My best advice is to consider not just what new mothers are dealing with or what their lives look like but what people think and feel about it in the later years of life as well. It might begin with your own parents and their relationships with their grown children. There is always truth in numbers so talk and listen with many. It truly is a decision that affects the whole of life after the birth of a child - not just for the here and now.

 

[TC1987]

...

Society is ever changing. There was a time when people had their children young before they even fully realized that there was a choice to all of it. It was just what you did and that was that. Today, people finish school, establish careers and enjoy full lives. Certainly the longer you wait the harder the choice to give all that up and delve into diapers and sleepless nights. I know several people in their 50's and 60's that are childless either by choice or circumstance. They have had beautiful lives - money, travel - all the trappings of happiness. Yet who and what you are at 30 is by no means who and what you are at 60. Regardless of the choices you made, life starts to slow down a bit and priorities change yet again. A couple of those folks seem bored with themselves - they've done it all and had it all - and yet there is an empty spot. They don't fully appreciate what it is because they can't fully appreciate what they didn't have. Not to say that children are the be all, end all in life but they add a dimension - a natural progression of life - that is somehow disrupted in theirs. I see now that in a couple of them feeding their own wants and desires has become almost tedious. Never thought I would think or say that but I believe that it is true. My husband and I enjoy our lives now that the children are grown and we remember what it was like in the days before we had children. However, there is no comparison between the two because we are different - age changes lots of things in ways we could not have imagined in our younger years.

...

I'm in my 50s now. (That sounds old to me when I read it it, but 50 isn't old in my gene pool. We live to late 80s or even 90s with usually excellent health and no mental deterioration. And 50s without kids is more youthful than 50s and having raised 3or more kids, just because it's an easier life to only have to take care of yourself and a couple of pets.)

And single, and childless, and I am living in this weird little working class Catholic town with Old World ethnicity so think you can't see through it on a sunny day. Life here is literally family life or no life. Life for women = CHILDREN, forever.

I am not at all bored with myself, probably because I am an introvert analytical type, definitely not Earth Mother. I definitely have no "empty spot." I'm DONE with family life and that is that. My coworkers where I lived before are dual-career professionals, and they had 0-2 kids at most, and they are mostly in the empty-nester stage now. But the culture of this town has NO empty nester stage. These people were RAISED with the edict that children are MANDATORY and there's no choice, and to be a REAL woman, you have babies, you don't work outside the home, you are a homemaker, you stay home and raise your brood, and then (this is the part that I find truly Hell on Earth): When you children give birth to your grandchildren, they get to dump them at your place and you get to be free babysitter and servant-girl for raising the grandkids. Well, since everyone here had a kid out of wedlock in their teenage years, women in my age group are sometimes great-grandmothers! I don't have any women friends here, because they either can't or won't get themselves free of the homemaker stuff. Like I said: Their lives are like being under house arrest.

To me, being mostly debt-free and child-free by middle age so you can just work and make money for retirement is normal and desirable. My family is of that mindset, and so are my former co-workers. It would be abnormal and undesirable to be eternally saddled with kids and money problems, and it would be considered irresponsible to have kids that you can't afford. It would also be unacceptable and crass for you to dump your kids on your parents to raise or babysit. Need a sitter? Hire one! Need a nanny? Hire one! I am constantly annoyed and sometimes infuriated with the provincial people here and all of their eternal child-rearing crap. It's not fun to live in a place that is almost a polar opposite of your own lifestyle and values.

So my advice to anyone who chooses to remain childfree is look ahead, choose your locale carefully so that you don't find yourself condemned and ostracized by a culture that's still stuck somewhere back in some peasant village in the days before effective contraceptives and family planning.

 

[packrat]

I think the "hard" part about being a parent, is the things that go along w/it. The decisions and the judgement. Stay at home, go back to work. Nurse or formula. Co sleep or own bed. The list is never ending. Not sleeping. Eating cold food. Never having enough time in the day or hands/arms on your body. Messes. Sick baby or toddler that can't tell you what's wrong. Feeling inept and stupid b/c it's new. Dr's telling you your baby won't run a fever when teething and every mother you talk to tells you differently. The milestone comparisons. The changes that can happen between partners when you have a baby. The changes in the extended family. The changes to your *own* self. Figuring out boundaries as they get older. Discipline. Then we move into dealing with "big kid" issues. Grades, friends, teasing, bullying, homework, popularity, kids that are different, kids that get to do things yours doesn't. Second guessing yourself.

It's enough to make your head spin. That's what, to me, is hard about it. It's *not* hard. But it *is* hard b/c you want to raise the best kid you can into the best adult they can be. And part of that is a crap shoot-there are no guarantees that what you do, how you raise your kid, will have any bearing on them as an adult. Free will = no control, ultimately. Every kid is different, twins, siblings, only children etc. Neither parent could smoke, drink, do drugs, always do what's right, encourage their kids w/out being overbearing, be affectionate w/out smothering, give them things but not to excess...and the kid could end up a pregnant teen at 14, drop out of school and live off welfare for 20 years. You could take a welfare mother, a drunk who doesn't pay any attention to her kid or even seem to care for him, he could spend his entire childhood being told how shitty he is, how stupid he is, teased, go w/out food for days, be bullied by teachers and have debilitating anxiety as a child, have no friends until he became a rebellious teenager in jail a few times and he could grow up to be an outstanding father and husband..maybe even a hugely respected police officer who down the road has a shot of being police chief..maybe even married to a pretty awesome woman and they like to garden together.

 

[momhappy]

Absolutely not. I can confidently say that I have no regrets having children. Yes, it's hard work and I've made my fair-share of sacrifices (more so than my husband), but it has been SO worth it for me.
I have friends who are child-free by choice and they are very happy. The world needs people who chose not to have kids too, so I applaud their choices not to have children. I also have friends that had kids despite the fact that they really aren't "into" them. It'a almost like they had them just to have them and while they love their kids, they are not in love with them - if that makes sense?

 

[MissGotRocks]

Thanks for a beautifully written post. I work with a lot of elderlies and one thing I do notice they have in common is that their kids are either in a different state, or country, or even if they are in the same city they hardly see them, if ever. I know this only represents some of the population and I know there are PLENTY of happy families out there who have a strong bond. I do wonder sometimes, back again to the ultimate question: what is the purpose of having kids when one day they will be going to leave the house anyway - but this is by no means diminish the value of the journey itself, but I do am interested in the end. I come from a broken family myself and being estranged from my mother, father and siblings (long story, this deserve another topic on estranged family, but in short they do not approve of my husband) only got me thinking, trying to put myself in my mother's shoes what it feels like to be her. She claimed once she "failed" in raising me, in other words she regretted having me. Although it is her lost and I am happy with my life now with my husband, we do have second third fourth thought about having children of our own.

But thank you for everyone's post and a healthy discussion.

So interesting reading everyone's thoughts on this. There are a couple of points that come to mind:

My perspective is probably a bit different in that my kids are grown. I'm not in the throes of babyhood or teenage years. There are points and places in all of those times that certainly make you scratch your head and say "Really?" But I have come full circle with motherhood and am now a grandmother. It is in retrospect that I can say I wouldn't have changed this for the world.

Society is ever changing. There was a time when people had their children young before they even fully realized that there was a choice to all of it. It was just what you did and that was that. Today, people finish school, establish careers and enjoy full lives. Certainly the longer you wait the harder the choice to give all that up and delve into diapers and sleepless nights. I know several people in their 50's and 60's that are childless either by choice or circumstance. They have had beautiful lives - money, travel - all the trappings of happiness. Yet who and what you are at 30 is by no means who and what you are at 60. Regardless of the choices you made, life starts to slow down a bit and priorities change yet again. A couple of those folks seem bored with themselves - they've done it all and had it all - and yet there is an empty spot. They don't fully appreciate what it is because they can't fully appreciate what they didn't have. Not to say that children are the be all, end all in life but they add a dimension - a natural progression of life - that is somehow disrupted in theirs. I see now that in a couple of them feeding their own wants and desires has become almost tedious. Never thought I would think or say that but I believe that it is true. My husband and I enjoy our lives now that the children are grown and we remember what it was like in the days before we had children. However, there is no comparison between the two because we are different - age changes lots of things in ways we could not have imagined in our younger years.

There is virtually nothing worth having that didn't require hard work and dedication. If it comes easy, it's harder to appreciate. I think a truly well rounded person has involved themselves in things that require them to step out of their comfort zone, make a sacrifice on behalf of someone other than themselves, and experience the true joy of giving and not just receiving. Children do this but so do other things in life like being committed to causes and people in lesser situations that ourselves. That's just not writing a check to a charity every month but actually committing yourself to the greater good of others in some meaningful way that doesn't involve your work and earnings.

I feel most for those on the fence I guess. Life certainly has some time stamps on it with places to make decisions that are irreversible for the remainder of your life. I can only imagine that somehow it is intended to be this way. You can't fully know what it's all about until you take the plunge. My best advice is to consider not just what new mothers are dealing with or what their lives look like but what people think and feel about it in the later years of life as well. It might begin with your own parents and their relationships with their grown children. There is always truth in numbers so talk and listen with many. It truly is a decision that affects the whole of life after the birth of a child - not just for the here and now.

All relationships - even those between parent and child - require a certain amount of time and work. I was very close with my parents and am very close to my children. I think this would be true even if we lived in different states. Closeness does not always equate with just being present in one another's company. I feel truly sorry for people that are elderly that have little or no contact with their own children. It's a situation that is hard for me to envision and yet there were years before they got to the point where they are now that has set the stage for today. There is absolutely no guarantee in having children that you will have blissful years between you. While it is a consideration, it certainly isn't a reason to have them - anymore than hoping that your whole entire life will turn on theirs. Everyone has to have a certain amount of individual freedom to live within and everyone has to have a life. I have two friends that have nothing in their lives except their children and they seem constantly disappointed that their adult children don't tend to their every need. Balance and perspective are very important in well lived lives. Just because you had and raised them doesn't mean they are or will be totally devoted to you irrespective of their own selves or lives. If you have cultivated an environment through the years that allows them to share their lives with you, it can be a very satisfying relationship for all parties. If you are going to nag, complain, put down and cling tightly to your own beliefs without any room to grow and reconsider things, you are not laying the groundwork for great relationships. Luckily, we all only live life one day at a time so if something isn't working for you or going in the direction you'd like to see it, you have the opportunity to backup and rethink things.

My own personal feeling is that the greatest thing a child needs is to know that it is loved - without hesitation or reservation. Not that he or she is perfect or without fault - just that it have that love that is unconditional and without question. This is the basis for our wellbeing and own self esteem. Feeling unwanted or a burden must have a terrible impact on a human being that is so dependent on parents in the early years of its life. I hope that if you had a negative experience with your own mother that you would work extra hard to create a nurturing environment for any child you might have and I'm sure you would. That's really the only way a bad cycle gets broken. Your mother saying that she failed you though might mean many things other than she didn't want you. She might have wished for a different outcome for you because of life circumstances out of her control but I'm sure she loves you. I hope that you are able to reconnect with her on a meaningful level at some point in your life.

 

[iLander]

Mochiko, kenny, sonnyjane,

I'm kinda in the same boat. Never has been the person who swoon over other people's kids. Never liked kids, and I realized this when I was merely 10, was living abroad at this host family's place with a 3 y.o. and a newborn baby.
I do want one (eventually) but hated the idea of being a parent, having all that responsibility. Yes I am not ashamed to say I am selfish. Maybe I'm just not ready like everyone says. I guess you know when you are ready.

Monarch - I think the idea is of if you have children course you'll love your them no matter what, but wished things were different and if they had to do it all over again, they'd pick a different path.

Distract - that's an interesting link thanks

I never liked kids. Still don't. I don't swoon over other people's kids, just like I don't swoon over other people's husbands. I find kids annoying, and those commercials where the kids are all cute, eating cereal or whatever, make we want to barf. I'm the one mumbling about the screaming babies "Don't spiders eat their young?".

But I love my own two kids. It's different when it's your own, it really is. I never thought I'd be ready, but we got pregnant three months after getting married. Scared the hell out of me. But loved him from birth on, and plowed through with lots of childcare books.

 

[iLander]

What surprised me, is how quickly it's over.

My kids went off to college, and all that Stuff is suddenly over.

It's like living next to an airport; there's noise constantly, a background buzz that's so loud you don't even hear it anymore, but it dominates your life. Then one day it stops. And you realize how quiet it is, and you wonder where all your time and energy and money spent, where that went?

It's reduced to a few texts, and occasional email.

Day to day parenting does end, and it makes you think you shouldn't have been so stressed by it all.

If I had to do it again, I think I would have chilled out more.

 

[Bonfire]

So interesting reading everyone's thoughts on this. There are a couple of points that come to mind:

My perspective is probably a bit different in that my kids are grown. I'm not in the throes of babyhood or teenage years. There are points and places in all of those times that certainly make you scratch your head and say "Really?" But I have come full circle with motherhood and am now a grandmother. It is in retrospect that I can say I wouldn't have changed this for the world.

Society is ever changing. There was a time when people had their children young before they even fully realized that there was a choice to all of it. It was just what you did and that was that. Today, people finish school, establish careers and enjoy full lives. Certainly the longer you wait the harder the choice to give all that up and delve into diapers and sleepless nights. I know several people in their 50's and 60's that are childless either by choice or circumstance. They have had beautiful lives - money, travel - all the trappings of happiness. Yet who and what you are at 30 is by no means who and what you are at 60. Regardless of the choices you made, life starts to slow down a bit and priorities change yet again. A couple of those folks seem bored with themselves - they've done it all and had it all - and yet there is an empty spot. They don't fully appreciate what it is because they can't fully appreciate what they didn't have. Not to say that children are the be all, end all in life but they add a dimension - a natural progression of life - that is somehow disrupted in theirs. I see now that in a couple of them feeding their own wants and desires has become almost tedious. Never thought I would think or say that but I believe that it is true. My husband and I enjoy our lives now that the children are grown and we remember what it was like in the days before we had children. However, there is no comparison between the two because we are different - age changes lots of things in ways we could not have imagined in our younger years.

There is virtually nothing worth having that didn't require hard work and dedication. If it comes easy, it's harder to appreciate. I think a truly well rounded person has involved themselves in things that require them to step out of their comfort zone, make a sacrifice on behalf of someone other than themselves, and experience the true joy of giving and not just receiving. Children do this but so do other things in life like being committed to causes and people in lesser situations that ourselves. That's just not writing a check to a charity every month but actually committing yourself to the greater good of others in some meaningful way that doesn't involve your work and earnings.

I feel most for those on the fence I guess. Life certainly has some time stamps on it with places to make decisions that are irreversible for the remainder of your life. I can only imagine that somehow it is intended to be this way. You can't fully know what it's all about until you take the plunge. My best advice is to consider not just what new mothers are dealing with or what their lives look like but what people think and feel about it in the later years of life as well. It might begin with your own parents and their relationships with their grown children. There is always truth in numbers so talk and listen with many. It truly is a decision that affects the whole of life after the birth of a child - not just for the here and now.

MissGotRocks YOU rock!! So well spoken and I couldn't agree more

 

[momhappy]

What surprised me, is how quickly it's over.

My kids went off to college, and all that Stuff is suddenly over.

It's like living next to an airport; there's noise constantly, a background buzz that's so loud you don't even hear it anymore, but it dominates your life. Then one day it stops. And you realize how quiet it is, and you wonder where all your time and energy and money spent, where that went?

It's reduced to a few texts, and occasional email.

Day to day parenting does end, and it makes you think you shouldn't have been so stressed by it all.

If I had to do it again, I think I would have chilled out more.

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I literally cringe when I think about my kids becoming adults and moving on. I know that part of my job is to guide them on the path to adulthood, but having put so much time, energy, money, worry, and love into our relationships, my brain can't seem to comprehend what life will be like after they've grown. It seems to be my main purpose in life (since having them) and I'm sure that it will be quite an adjustment. I'm going to take your words to heart and try to chill out more and enjoy the ride

 

[Tourmaline]

I literally cringe when I think about my kids becoming adults and moving on. I know that part of my job is to guide them on the path to adulthood, but having put so much time, energy, money, worry, and love into our relationships, my brain can't seem to comprehend what life will be like after they've grown. It seems to be my main purpose in life (since having them) and I'm sure that it will be quite an adjustment. I'm going to take your words to heart and try to chill out more and enjoy the ride

Yes, this. I have trouble leaving the life stage of having a baby, so we keep having more. We have four kids, a really happy family, and I suppose we are wanting another one. I do need to learn to chill out more (I really hate noise), but my role as a mother is what I have always wanted, and my husband is incredibly helpful and present when he is home, though he travels for business a lot. I love the relationships my kids have with each other. Though I get frustrated with them if they don't listen (my goodness, calming 4 of them down for bedtime takes some doing sometimes), I feel totally at home in my life. I would like to have a few good friends, but it's harder to make friends now because SO MANY THINGS have to line up perfectly. And I don't get out much, except to drive the kids to school and pick them up, or to leave them with my mom and go out to dinner with my husband. But I sure wouldn't want a different life over this one.

 

[MissGotRocks]

What surprised me, is how quickly it's over.

My kids went off to college, and all that Stuff is suddenly over.

It's like living next to an airport; there's noise constantly, a background buzz that's so loud you don't even hear it anymore, but it dominates your life. Then one day it stops. And you realize how quiet it is, and you wonder where all your time and energy and money spent, where that went?

It's reduced to a few texts, and occasional email.

Day to day parenting does end, and it makes you think you shouldn't have been so stressed by it all.

If I had to do it again, I think I would have chilled out more.

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I literally cringe when I think about my kids becoming adults and moving on. I know that part of my job is to guide them on the path to adulthood, but having put so much time, energy, money, worry, and love into our relationships, my brain can't seem to comprehend what life will be like after they've grown. It seems to be my main purpose in life (since having them) and I'm sure that it will be quite an adjustment. I'm going to take your words to heart and try to chill out more and enjoy the ride

It is an adjustment to have them grown and gone. It certainly takes time to readjust to it all. However, by that time though you're not still 20 something raring to go! You begin to truly appreciate that fact that there is a time to all seasons in life. Once you adjust, you learn to enjoy the peace and quiet and freedom that empty nesting brings. It all works out in the end. We have enjoyed our kids' adult lives too - college, jobs, weddings, babies - we've been fortunate to be a close part in all of this. We are late 50's now and still enjoy travel, friends, etc. We still work and appreciate that we don't have to rush to ball practice or cook a big dinner (a scrambled egg sandwich will do on some days!) I will say though that for us on the heels of our kids leaving home, the parents needed more and more care until they had passed. The nurturing and caring never seem to end but losing them was far more painful than seeing our kids move on to their own lives. One loss is permanent - the other a step up in life. It's all relative to time so yes, enjoy the kids now and don't worry about the future. It will take care of itself!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I work with chronically mentally ill and addicted people. Some of their parents DO regret having them. It is heartbreaking to have a sick child. It is difficult because when you are holding your newborn baby you have all these dreams and wishes for them. Sometimes their lives just don't work out the way their parents wanted. I imagine it would be natural to not only regret having them for their own sake, but also for their child's. I cannot imagine living the lives of many of my patients.

 

[Dreamer_D]

IMO, if you going to have kids have them early in life..

while my friends were out having fun partying in their late 20's I had to stay home and change diapers. I'm the youngest among my friends but my kids are the oldest b/c they decided to have kids later on in life. I wouldn't wanted to trade places with them now b/c they're still changing diapers in their late 40's and early 50's.

I agree with this statement in principle. But in reality life doesn't always work out the way you intend. These days many young couples are not yet settled enough in their careers and marriage to start a family and need to wait a bit longer to do so.

My mom had me when she was around 21 and it was lovely growing up with young parents. My dad was a bit older at age 30 but he was still relatively young. I finished graduate school and my mom was still in her 40's. Very different than most of my friends who have children now.

Pros and cons to both being a young parent vs older parent and I agree that raising children can be tough physically and the younger you are the better able one can handle that aspect. But then there's the financial aspect and the emotional maturity and readiness aspect that needs to be factored in as well.

There is no one neat formula that fits all couples and all one can do is choose what works best for them.

But having kids later , at 31, allowed me to get an education and have a career some women who have kids young still have that, but most don't (I am not making that it, it's a population statistic). Women's careers in particular are most adversely affected than men's are by having kids young. Also older parents tend to be in more stable marriages and weather the storms of children better -- in other words they have lower rates of divorce. Better marriage and better job seems to compensate for diapers in your 50s

 

[Dancing Fire]

[quote="Dreamer_D|

But having kids later , at 31, allowed me to get an education and have a career some women who have kids young still have that, but most don't (I am not making that it, it's a population statistic). Women's careers in particular are most adversely affected than men's are by having kids young. Also older parents tend to be in more stable marriages and weather the storms of children better -- in other words they have lower rates of divorce. Better marriage and better job seems to compensate for diapers in your 50s [/quote]


DD, 31 is still a young age, but I'll tell you it was sad to hear what one of my friend said to me, b/c he had his second daughter at the age of 52. he said... I hope I'll live long enough to see my DD graduate from high school b/c I will be 70 years old by then. We are both 55 yrs old but his eldest daughter is only 7 yrs old and younger one is 3 yrs old.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

To make this easier, I will just ditto everything MissGotRocks said. We are in the same stage of life and started out around the same time. So we both now have grown children who are beginning their own families.

To answer the original question, no, I certainly do not regret having kids. All my life I wanted to be a wife and mother, and I believe that being a mother is the most important task/calling/occupation in my life. We had the standard two kids and then went on several years later to adopt a baby girl in China. That baby just graduated from high school and starts college in about a month. Our older daughter is married and has beautiful 2.5 yo and 3 month old little girls. It is my joy and privilege to help keep them during the week while my daughter teaches and her husband works. It works out to just be about 22 hours a week, which isn't bad. I did work for many years and am thankful now to be at home so I can do some other things that are important to me and some that are just fun, like being on PS! I still tutor dyslexic children in my home because there is a great need here and almost no one else qualified to do it. That gives me a lot of joy as well. My husband still works long hours, and we'll hopefully have some good years to do things together (like travel) once he retires early at 62.

I will say that the greatest joys and greatest sorrows in my life have come from my kids. I wish I could go back in time and know what I know now and be better able to help my child with problems, but never could I say that I wish that child had never been born.

For those who are certain they don't want kids, I totally agree they shouldn't have them. There are few things sadder to me than a child who was unwanted by their parents, unless those parents made the decision to give their child a loving home through adoption.

 

[NTave]

Never. They are the greatest joy of my life and at times my deepest sorrow, but only because I want life to be good to them.

 

[baby monster]

Some people regret having kids. I know a few, and I know some who regret aspects of their changed lives, while not actually regretting having the children. I think that's probably not unusual. I never really wanted children. I was quite complete and happy without, and kids never really featured in my plans. I never dreamed of having a family, and my own relationship with my mother has always been difficult. I liked my life and my marriage just fine.

I had a baby when I was in my 30s after deciding that maybe it would be ok (I admit, I thought we had a few years of trying ahead of us, plenty time for a change of heart... nope). As it happens, I have no regrets. I think there are a few variables in there though, and some that were out of my own control. Firstly, I have a child I get along with. After the baby and toddler stage, which comes with its own demands, it's another person living in your house. I think it helps a lot in all sorts of ways if you like and enjoy each other. That I have deep love for her isn't the point. Loving a child is on a different level, and I didn't understand it until I had one. Liking the child? I think that might be different. Enjoying their company probably is too. If I didn't like hanging out with her and if we didn't enjoy each others' personalities like we do, I might well regret having to give so much of myself. As it is, I don't at all. I got a fairly easy baby, and an easy to love child. I totally understand that not all children are easy to raise, and it's luck on my part, rather than anything I did or did not do that mine is easy to love, parent and live with. On that score, it's a bit of a gamble. My daughter completes me, and completes my husband in a way that's hard to describe, but that's because of who she is as much as because she's our kid.

The other big, big thing that features in making my life with a child so good is that I waited until I was quite sure that my spouse saw his role as being one of two parents. I was clear that he saw no distinction between 'parent' and 'mother' or 'father'. Because I don't want to be responsible for it all, or even most of it. I don't want to be in charge of the drudge work. I don't want to do more than my share of stuff. I emphatically do not wish to have a husband who 'helps' me with family life. I know plenty people with the opposite view and that's none of my business, not something it would be appropriate for me to have a view on, or comment on. Each to their own, for sure. I just had to be 100% certain that my spouse wasn't one of them, as I personally wouldn't have been willing to have a child in those circumstances.

On balance, we have a richer, happier and more satisfying life with a child than without (and I'd like to think we're giving her a good life too). So many variables that could have tipped it in the other direction, though.

I'd never suggest to someone else that they should have a child. My experience is just that - mine. Others will be different. You might regret it, or you might not - I think most people don't regret it, and that while it isn't unheard of, regret for the whole enterprise is probably comparatively rare. If you have significant doubts, and you're happy as you are, I'd give it a miss until or if you feel differently. Because for good or bad, it is certainly a huge life change! Good luck with your decision.

+1. Exactly what I would've said except my child is a boy. And what does one do with #2 thoughts?