Do you regrets having kids?

[Xzuix]

This is a sincere question and I'm not trying to troll or anything. The social norm is to have kids once you are married.
I'm never into having kids, but I would probably like to have one one day, only for the right reasons.
But I do honestly want to know if there are any mothers out there who regret having kids. I know this is probably a taboo topic, but I can't help but think "surely there are mothers out there who feel this way?"
Thoughts? Prove me wrong?

 

[Dancing Fire]

Regrets? NONE! ...are they PITB? YES!...

 

[mochiko42]

This is a question that I think about. I recently got married and now people ask us all the time when we will have kids. I feel ambivalent about having kids, but since I'm in my 30s I sometimes wonder if I need to really think about it since I might regret it later if I don't have kids and the window of opportunity has passed me by. On the converse, I'm petrified that since I'm not of those people who are 200% convinced and committed to having kids (I don't like babies and I don't swoon over other people's kids, unlike most other people I know), what happens if I have kids and then regret it?? But then it's too late, it's not like you can return them to the store for refund (joking!!,). But yes, I would love to get perspective from people sitting on the other side of the fence who already have kids, especially those who weren't fond of children before having them. Both my husband and I are on the fence about having children, but we get pressure that "oh but you will be lonely when you get older and don't have kids". ...

 

[caf]

Have one, love her to pieces. And she is a teen. If I could change anything, I would go back and have more than one. Great fun (and lots of work) being a mom...but in what else do you have such an impact on another human being? Sure the hours suck and the pay is bad. But regrets...absolutely none. She is one of my favorite people, truly.

And I had her when I was 39.

 

[texaskj]

There are parents out there who regret it, it's just extremely rare to find one who will admit it out loud.
And mochiko, that's one of the oldest and worst reasons people always give. There's no guarantees in life; if someone is lonely in their old age it's usually their own fault.

 

[ponder]

No regrets. It is the most rewarding thing I have ever done and I honestly don't think it's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do in life. I definitely know that in the five years since having kids I think I have smiled/laughed more than in my previous 30 years.

 

[MissGotRocks]

The love you have for a child is something you can't describe - it just has to be experienced. I think there are probably some people who are disappointed in the way their children turned out or in the relationship that they have with them. I think there are fewer still that would honestly say they regret it. Children add another dimension to your life that can't be compared to anything else - not pets, not nieces and nephews, not anything. There are people who choose to remain childless and I respect them for their decision. I am very happy that I had my two children and would not trade that experience for anything else In life. They are now grown and starting their own families. Being a grandparent expands the world of your children to another very enjoyable level.

For some people, raising their children and sometimes their grandchildren, has been challenging. It can be a financial challenge, a personal challenge and probably a lot of heartache when situations went bad through divorce or death. I still don't think most of those folks would have regretted having the children - they would have just wished that circumstances could have been different.

I would never counsel anyone to either have or not have children - and that includes my own children. It is a very personal decision and will require a huge amount of commitment and often sacrifice. It makes you step outside of the 'me' realm of life and often times consider someone else's well being before your own. From that, some of life's greatest rewards are found. For me, it was one of the greatest privileges of my life and certainly not something I have ever regretted.

 

[sonnyjane]

I can't answer your question about regrets, but I can give you this side of the coin:

I am 30. I've been with my husband for 8 years. My entire life, growing up, I never wanted kids. I have not wanted them since getting married. I won't even get a dog because of the work involved, let alone have a child. I'm just, to be frank, a very selfish person and the only time I've considered even having kids were for the following reasons: 1) to see what they would look like and 2) to have someone to take to Disneyland. NOT really the most sound reasons to procreate lol. Being that I'm 30 and not say, 38, I think I'll give it a couple more years just to make sure I don't get a miraculous case of baby fever, but after that, my husband is getting a vasectomy. I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting kids. As far as I'm concerned, there are enough families out there that passionately WANT to have children that the human race certainly doesn't need my genetic contribution. I don't think there should be any shame in admitting I'm too lazy and selfish to deal with it haha.

Good luck in your decision! It's a big one!

 

[Bonfire]

Not for one second. Having children makes you tap into a greater part of yourself. It 's the hardest thing I've ever done but by far the most rewarding ( I know that sounds cliché). I'm a nurturer by nature.

 

[Mayk]

No regrets! Love her immensely. She's about to turn 16 and is the sweetest, kindest young lady. Like every teenager she has her moments those are the times when I'm certain she is the laziest, most messy teenager ever created... But all the good far, far outweighs the annoying! She's taught me as much as I've taught her.

She's at camp right now, gone now one week and two more to go... Miss her like crazy!

 

[monarch64]

MissGotRocks--well said! Love your post.

Jen--my daughter is only 2. I have no regrets--yet! Ask me again when she's 11-12/teenager, ha! Seriously, though, I waited to have a baby until my 30s. Partly circumstances, partly just not being ready to commit to so much responsibility. But when I was ready, I KNEW I was ready and I FELT it one day, like the feeling you get when you've made a decision about something and you know it's something you are totally committed to. It's hard for me to articulate. I think one of the reasons I have no regrets is that I made a conscious choice to have a child. Perhaps one reason a parent might say they regret having children is that they don't feel they had a choice or made the wrong choice because of whatever circumstances or something.

I've never talked to any parent who outright says they regret having their child, but I have definitely heard people say they wish they'd waited or wish life had been different, i.e. finances, schooling not finished, just not ready, etc. But even then, no one has ever said to me they regret that their child was born...

If you're worried that you'll regret having children, it could be your subconscious telling you you're not ready. Or, you could be a person who isn't suited for parenthood. That's something very personal that only you can explore and determine for yourself.

Life just isn't a neat little package. That sucks, but it's how we learn and develop and evolve as a species.

 

[kenny]

No kids, no regrets.
I'm way too selfish to be a parent.

Kudos to parents since I think they have the hardest job in the world.

 

[mochiko42]

I can't answer your question about regrets, but I can give you this side of the coin:

I am 30. I've been with my husband for 8 years. My entire life, growing up, I never wanted kids. I have not wanted them since getting married. I won't even get a dog because of the work involved, let alone have a child. I'm just, to be frank, a very selfish person and the only time I've considered even having kids were for the following reasons: 1) to see what they would look like and 2) to have someone to take to Disneyland. NOT really the most sound reasons to procreate lol. Being that I'm 30 and not say, 38, I think I'll give it a couple more years just to make sure I don't get a miraculous case of baby fever, but after that, my husband is getting a vasectomy. I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting kids. As far as I'm concerned, there are enough families out there that passionately WANT to have children that the human race certainly doesn't need my genetic contribution. I don't think there should be any shame in admitting I'm too lazy and selfish to deal with it haha.

Good luck in your decision! It's a big one!

Sonnyjane, I'm also waiting for "baby fever" to hit me.. Seen it happen to some of my friends but not yet for me..

 

[NOYFB]

No kids, no regrets.
I'm way too selfish to be a parent.

Kudos to parents since I think they have the hardest job in the world.

This.

 

[mochiko42]

No kids, no regrets.
I'm way too selfish to be a parent.

Kudos to parents since I think they have the hardest job in the world.

+1 I agree, it seems like one of the hardest jobs.

 

[monarch64]

I can't answer your question about regrets, but I can give you this side of the coin:

I am 30. I've been with my husband for 8 years. My entire life, growing up, I never wanted kids. I have not wanted them since getting married. I won't even get a dog because of the work involved, let alone have a child. I'm just, to be frank, a very selfish person and the only time I've considered even having kids were for the following reasons: 1) to see what they would look like and 2) to have someone to take to Disneyland. NOT really the most sound reasons to procreate lol. Being that I'm 30 and not say, 38, I think I'll give it a couple more years just to make sure I don't get a miraculous case of baby fever, but after that, my husband is getting a vasectomy. I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting kids. As far as I'm concerned, there are enough families out there that passionately WANT to have children that the human race certainly doesn't need my genetic contribution. I don't think there should be any shame in admitting I'm too lazy and selfish to deal with it haha.

Good luck in your decision! It's a big one!

Sonnyjane, I'm also waiting for "baby fever" to hit me.. Seen it happen to some of my friends but not yet for me..

I was totally "kids--don't need 'em, too selfish, love my life exactly as is" for so long! I never put any stock into people's assertions that "one day it just HIT me" or "my bio clock started ticking." Having kids was so far out of my scope of reality. And then, "one day," it really did hit me, that baby fever nonsense. It didn't feel like a fever, or something so suddenly compelling. It was more like a little spark ignited somewhere inside me and slowly (this is yet another stupid cliche) burned brighter and hotter. It was weird. I attribute it to hormones or just plain old crazy.

And then for some people, that just never happens! And that's what we call "population control" amirite?

 

[sonnyjane]

I can't answer your question about regrets, but I can give you this side of the coin:

I am 30. I've been with my husband for 8 years. My entire life, growing up, I never wanted kids. I have not wanted them since getting married. I won't even get a dog because of the work involved, let alone have a child. I'm just, to be frank, a very selfish person and the only time I've considered even having kids were for the following reasons: 1) to see what they would look like and 2) to have someone to take to Disneyland. NOT really the most sound reasons to procreate lol. Being that I'm 30 and not say, 38, I think I'll give it a couple more years just to make sure I don't get a miraculous case of baby fever, but after that, my husband is getting a vasectomy. I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting kids. As far as I'm concerned, there are enough families out there that passionately WANT to have children that the human race certainly doesn't need my genetic contribution. I don't think there should be any shame in admitting I'm too lazy and selfish to deal with it haha.

Good luck in your decision! It's a big one!

Sonnyjane, I'm also waiting for "baby fever" to hit me.. Seen it happen to some of my friends but not yet for me..

I was totally "kids--don't need 'em, too selfish, love my life exactly as is" for so long! I never put any stock into people's assertions that "one day it just HIT me" or "my bio clock started ticking." Having kids was so far out of my scope of reality. And then, "one day," it really did hit me, that baby fever nonsense. It didn't feel like a fever, or something so suddenly compelling. It was more like a little spark ignited somewhere inside me and slowly (this is yet another stupid cliche) burned brighter and hotter. It was weird. I attribute it to hormones or just plain old crazy.

And then for some people, that just never happens! And that's what we call "population control" amirite?

Ha! I'm not naive enough to say "That will NEVER be me!" because I do understand that I'm only 30 (my mom had my youngest sister when she was 41), but I am at least VERY confident saying that I'm not there yet, and if I'm never there, I'm perfectly okay with that.

 

[distracts]

I would maybe search on reddit or ask metafilter for answers to this. I imagine they've covered it in exhaustive depth several times over.
http://ask.metafilter.com/10368/Do-You-Regret-Not-Having-Children for instance

The most interesting responses I've read have been from the parents of special-needs children.

For all the truth about the innate physiological rewards of mothering, he says, “The happy people are the ones who wanted kids and had them or didn’t want kids and didn’t have them.” - http://www.salon.com/2003/05/06/breeding/

That's something I can easily believe, lol.

My own totally anecdotal experience of not having kids yet but wanting them: I almost always wanted kids abstractly. When I hit 21, it was like baby-fever got me. The hormones went crazy or something. I'd never before liked children under the age of 4-5ish but suddenly I was feeling like Tina Fey in that episode of 30 Rock where she accidentally kidnaps the baby. It was NUTS. Then I went on hormonal birth control. BAM no baby crazies. Didn't really care whether I had kids or not in the visceral way I previously had, though I still wanted them, once again I wasn't too interested in babies. Then I went back off birth control. Six months later BAM baby crazies again, weeping while imagining my future children, the whole nine yards. Anyway. FWIW my experience is that stuff is largely hormone-regulated in me.

 

[TC1987]

There are parents out there who regret it, it's just extremely rare to find one who will admit it out loud.
And mochiko, that's one of the oldest and worst reasons people always give. There's no guarantees in life; if someone is lonely in their old age it's usually their own fault.

Some women had a discussion on this topic on another board maybe 6-7 years ago. A couple of them actually said "I had two children, but wish I hadn't because I never really enjoyed raising them and if I knew then what I know now, I would have opted out." That surprised me but they did say that.

eta: A former coworker said she had two children that she didn't want, both times because birth control pills didn't work. She accepted the children and raised them well, but she wasn't 100% onboard with the creation of either of them. She said she was through with kids after raising hers and would not be doing any babysitting or raising of grandkids. /eta

I never had any, because I always found other things and more cerebral pursuits much more interesting. The farther I got from childhood, the less I ever wanted to revisit it or do the gruntwork of being a parent. I never enjoyed my own child hood very much, and found being an adult far more interesting and fulfilling, so I guess that's why I always found motherhood more repulsive than attractive.

I have no regrets. I hate homemaking and childrearing. Always have. Motherhood doesn't suit me. I have been that way since age 6, when I decided that I don't like the way most mothers were treated, and doing all the household crapwork was not something that would ever be important to me. Others may feel differently, but I like a childfree lifestyle without people jerking my chain and putting me through the emotional wringer. I have no regrets; I was not programmed to lust after parenthood. I love raising cats, probably because their real moms do all the crapwork and being catmom is more akin to skipping parenting altogether and taking more of a grandparent or mentor role with few responsibilities.

As for "if someone is lonely in their old age it's usually their own fault," I don't think that's it's accurate at all. I currently live in a small town, in the middle of decaying Rust Belt. No matter where you go in NE OH and NW PA, it's crime, decay, and rot. Life for the women here is completely and I do mean completely "they do things with their children." It's a weird insular provincial culture where women are almost under house arrest once they marry and start having babies, and 3-4 kids or more is still pretty much what is expected with the region being mostly working class Catholic and all. The college grads all more away, but parents remain behind because it's their home and they like their house and friends and memories and they don't want to uproot themselves and go to some strangeplace and start over. The local industries were shut down, the towns steadily decay, the ambitious and skilled and employable people leave, and civic organizations died out and crime increased and then ghetto people and renters started taking over the housing in towns, forcing middle class and white to move farther out into countryside. So, if you look at all of that dismal picture, it's very possible for a person to be elderly and isolated and lonely through no real fault of their own. The only "fault," if you can call it that, is outliving your peers and spouse, and having globalization and post-industrial blight kill off the town that you call home.

I saw an actual 2-car funeral just the other day. Such is life in postindustrial Rust Belt. I'm socially isolated and alone here, and there's really nothing I can do about it, because single adult child-free professional woman with a college education just doesn't have a part in the demographics of this place. I'm a one-off, something they've never seen before.

 

[arkieb1]

At the risk of being howled down yes and no. My husband wanted kids and I didn't. We now have a son. He is wonderful. Sometimes I wistfully imagine my life without him, but most of the time I just enjoy it for what it is.

 

[packrat]

No. Sometimes I tell them we're selling them to the gypsy's. Sometimes JD and I argue over where these kids came from. Sometimes we tell them they didn't come as ordered. "Hmmm...I'm not sure I ordered a sassypants little girl...lemme find my sheet...yep, see, right here, I clearly marked NO for sassypants" she gives me this

Today JD sprayed Trapper with the hose and Trapper freaked out, tried to smack me with his fudge pop for laughing. Sent him to his room and told him he could just be sad he was born into a family that likes to joke around and have fun and eat his fudge pop by himself and think how lucky he is mommy didn't throw it into the street.

I kinda regret not throwing that fudge pop into the street. But I don't regret having either of the little turds...I mean cherubs.

 

[TC1987]

At the risk of being howled down yes and no. My husband wanted kids and I didn't. We now have a son. He is wonderful. Sometimes I wistfully imagine my life without him, but most of the time I just enjoy it for what it is.

^ I think the father also has a lot of power to make the childrearing experience wonderful or Hades on Earth. If the man wants children and actually makes the role shift to fatherhood and he spends time with his family, vs.just be a sperm donor, it's better for all.

Here, men all go run around with men and maybe dates or mistresses, don't spend much time at home because they are either working or off playing someplace, and the mother is essentially home alone as a single parent, doing almost all of the actual parenting. The men around here are pretty domineering and very selfish. I think western PA is very bizarre misogynistic culture that just inherently disrespects all women and treats them as inferior. I think that I was already seeing that at age 6, and saying NO to motherhood. Heck, I never married until age 36 and was perfectly content as a single.

 

[Xzuix]

Mochiko, kenny, sonnyjane,

I'm kinda in the same boat. Never has been the person who swoon over other people's kids. Never liked kids, and I realized this when I was merely 10, was living abroad at this host family's place with a 3 y.o. and a newborn baby.
I do want one (eventually) but hated the idea of being a parent, having all that responsibility. Yes I am not ashamed to say I am selfish. Maybe I'm just not ready like everyone says. I guess you know when you are ready.

Monarch - I think the idea is of if you have children course you'll love your them no matter what, but wished things were different and if they had to do it all over again, they'd pick a different path.

Distract - that's an interesting link thanks

 

[mochiko42]

Mochiko, kenny, sonnyjane,

I'm kinda in the same boat. Never has been the person who swoon over other people's kids. Never liked kids, and I realized this when I was merely 10, was living abroad at this host family's place with a 3 y.o. and a newborn baby.
I do want one (eventually) but hated the idea of being a parent, having all that responsibility. Yes I am not ashamed to say I am selfish. Maybe I'm just not ready like everyone says. I guess you know when you are ready.

Monarch - I think the idea is of if you have children course you'll love your them no matter what, but wished things were different and if they had to do it all over again, they'd pick a different path.

Distract - that's an interesting link thanks

I think it would be more selfish to know you are not ready or committed to having children, and yet still have them anyway. right now I enjoy my childless lifestyle so maybe it's selfish, but at least my choice is not affecting a child.

Having said that, I do sometimes think about baby names and what our kids would look like, and how it might be nice to have someone to pass my bling to, etc but I would never have a child just to satisfy those idle thoughts and pondering. I'm not at a point where I'm ready to give up my lifestyle for children.

 

[monarch64]

TC, wow, I love your honesty!!! And, with all the respect in the world, and zero attitude, I find the picture you paint of your community so interesting. Reading a totally different perspective from my own is so enlightening and refreshing. I read your post and nodded along in agreement about so much of it, even though you and I are light years apart as far as lifestyles. Kudos to you for just being you in a place that sounds pretty intolerant of anyone outside their box (no pun intended, truly.)

ArkieB, also love your candor. Even though our child was a joint decision on my husband's and my part, I think we still both have those wistful moments you describe. It's like life before... and life after... which do you prefer? If we let our minds go there, I'm sure there is a fraction of ourselves who would think "well, I'd be happier doing such and such instead of changing diapers and dealing with a tiny little person who acts like a belligerent drunk." It certainly takes a lot of chutzpah and humor. And sometimes a drink or three at the end of the night.

Regarding the idea that parenting is the hardest job: it hasn't been my experience. I can definitely see how those with spirited children, or special needs children, would feel that way and I feel fortunate that our case has not been that. But, if it had been, I think I would be singing a different tune in this thread and absolutely I'd say it's the hardest job to deal with something unexpected unless one purposely adopted a child with special needs/circumstances. And even THEN, I'd just STFU because I'd have no idea. So I'll go ahead and STFU about that.

Jen, I was exactly like you as far as not being into other people's kids (OPK). Even taking care of my own niece from the time she was 8 months old on a nightly basis 4 x a week...I loved her, but I had no problem handing her back at 9 p.m. I had fun with her, but I did NOT want that responsibility for myself. I just couldn't fathom such a change in lifestyle. And I wondered so HARD how people did it every single day with few breaks. I thought it was frankly absurd. I remember crying after phone calls during which my close friends would tell me they were pregnant. I would congratulate them, of course, but after the call ended I would honestly sit and cry for a minute, mourning the inevitable upcoming loss of our friendship as we had known it. And I felt like a selfish bitch. I think I wanted our youth to last as long as I wanted it to, without change, and without regard to others' needs. I completely understand the feelings of selfishness.

I really wasn't ready til I was ready. And even then, I wasn't READY. Nothing prepares you. No amount of reading. No amount of hanging out with kids. No amount of registering for baby shower gifts. No amount of childbirth classes. It's a giant leap of... sink or swim. And I (as long as we're being honest) think it's a totally nutty idea but people do it anyway, self included, and for most people, it turns out just fine.

Sorry for the novel. But not really.

(Packrat, you are cracking me up! "I'll sell you to the gypsies! Then you'll be sorry!")

Edited for no good reason and second-guessing.

 

[mochiko42]

Monarch,... I can be selfish with you. So many of my friends who have babies seem to only hang out with other couples with kids... I jokingly call it the "baby black hole"... Because some of my best longtime friends just " disappear" (I know they're busy with baby rearing etc..).. And anytime we do meet it's all baby and parenting talk. In a way, you are right. It can be the end of a friendship as you know it, because your friends undergo a major life change and are no longer the same people you knew before. For me, I'm still selfish so I have no interest in discussing which brand of bugaboo or which diaper brand is better, etc... So that's life I guess, people change and life moves on..

 

[monarch64]

Monarch,... I can be selfish with you. So many of my friends who have babies seem to only hang out with other couples with kids... I jokingly call it the "baby black hole"... Because some of my best longtime friends just " disappear" (I know they're busy with baby rearing etc..).. And anytime we do meet it's all baby and parenting talk. In a way, you are right. It can be the end of a friendship as you know it, because your friends undergo a major life change and are no longer the same people you knew before. For me, I'm still selfish so I have no interest in discussing which brand of bugaboo or which diaper brand is better, etc... So that's life I guess, people change and life moves on..

Mochiko! You can absolutely be selfish and real with me (and here!) Having a baby is so utterly consuming and is such a huge change that oftentimes it DOES mean, for the most part, the death of a friendship as you both know it. It's very sad, and can be really emotional, especially on the part of the person who is not having the child. I really can relate, having been there myself many times throughout my 20s and early 30s. It just sucked. It seemed like the pregnancy and then the baby took precedence over the friendship we'd held (I thought) so dear. That really, really hurt. Eventually there would be infrequent nights out, but they were different. All very planned, down to the minute, no spontaneity, had to be back home by x time, etc. Basically a dramatic life change for all involved, whether by your own choice or not.

Life is change. And we don't usually like change because it requires us to get out of our comfort zone! But the hardest part about someone else having kids is that WE didn't choose that! WE didn't have any control in that decision! Argh! What about US??? I get it. I totally get it.

On the other side of the coin, trust me, Mom is going, "I really miss my friends. How will I ever fit them into this life I've chosen?" Which, believe it or not, is equally hard. ETA: and ugh, regarding the diaper/stroller nonstop conversations. Trust me, that does go away...wait, except it evolves into baby food and booster seats and toddler shoes and preschools...sorry. I'm not offering much encouragement. Let's just say when a baby is born, little parts of everyone die. Including socializing as we once knew it. It sucks.

Why do people have babies? To perpetuate our species, of course! This is biology, right? Where the hell is Dreamer with her calm-down-it's not that bad-approach?

 

[Candygrl]

I absolutely do NOT regret having my kids, I have four. However when they are all having meltdowns at the same time I would be lying if I didn't think for a split second what life would be like without all the screaming. I feel better once they all shut up hehe. It's the most challenging thing I ever experienced in life, but they are my world. I wouldn't change a single thing. I do miss my freedom sometimes though.

 

[Sky56]

I never wanted kids and didn't have them. In my early 20's, I found out I was infertile anyway. No regrets; I love my life. That said, I do have a deep appreciation for good parents. I see them around me and I admire them.

 

[Gypsy]

I'm 39... the baby bug hasn't bit me yet. And you get used to people asking you about kids. It happened right when we got married but we shut that down fast and now everyone leaves us be.

I do get the urge to adopt--having one now. But to actually pop out a baby. Nope.

Adoption makes sense to me because there are so many unwanted kids who need help. And I know they will be special needs, and that's okay. But actually adding to the population count holds no interest for me whatsoever.

Good parents amaze me.