Have You Lived Away from Your SO?

[Gypsy]

Ok. That's something I can help with.

You want to go to Public Interest Law.

So start looking up the phone numbers of your local ACLU, or whatever organization that you like. And ask THEM who has the best Public Interest Law Programs in your area. You want a school that has STRONG clinical programs in public interest. And you want counselors and support systems that will actually HELP YOU get PAID internships in public interest law. Who are VERY knowledgeable about loan forgiveness programs.

Many schools will SAY that have all that and advertise it. Few actually DO have it.

So to find it, you need to work backward. FIND the practicing lawyers and organizations that DO what you want to do. CALL THEM and ask them for a 1/2 hour of their time. And then listen to what they say, what they recommend.

One of the best skills a lawyer has is the ability to research the heck out of everything. Start using those skills NOW to find out where you should focus your attention.

Then call the schools. Talk to the people there about what you want to do. Ask for names of Professors that run these programs. And talk to them.

That's what you need to do.

And then when it comes time to write your personal statement for your applications, USE that knowledge to personalize your statements and show off all the research you have done. SHOW THEM how serious you are about their school, how invested you are, how much work YOU'VE ALREADY DONE. That will win them over.

 

[perry]

In general I agree with Gypsy's advice except for one thing.... (which I will get to in a moment).

My advice: Stay with your husband (nothing more than a short commute away). He is a vital part of your support; and you are also vital to him.

My disagreement with Gypsy is in her comment that because your husband is concerned with a separation that there must be gaps in the marriage; and that he has one of several issues... and he needs to be in therapy. That is not necessarily true (even if odds are that it is likely true).

Often when a person says that they are concerned about something happening with you. They are really concerned with that something happening to them (and their reaction). A good wife is vital to her husband - and he may need you more than you need him; and there is not necessarily anything psychologically wrong with that (although in some situations it is wrong).

While I will also agree that affairs do not just happen; but, sometimes there are more things involved than the standard factors which none of the books I have seen address. The book Gypsy recommended is good. A better set (and harder to find) is Woman's Infidelity by Michelle Langley and the follow-up Woman's Infidelity II. I actually thing all guys need to read them too. Even that does not address some of the issues that can exist.

What you need to do is follow your own statement - in that you need to understand your husbands fears. Now maybe he needs to be in counseling (with you too - counseling is never just a one sided deal), and maybe not. The key to that question is what is the basis of his fears. Either way - you need to know the basis. It may be perfectly valid and your knowing it may bind you together tighter.

Anyway, Best of luck; and have a great day,

Perry

 

[Indylady]

After reading your original post, I realize that this discussion has deviated really far from your original question. I think you should apply to the NYC, a few other schools that you really want to go to, and then worry about living away from your SO, etc. after you have a few admission letters in your hand. You've already taken the LSAT--you might as well apply, and then make a decision about whether or not you want to attend, and where you want to attend.

I actually think your attitude, that you will not be crushed if you don't get into the schools you want and will move on to something else, is very healthy. Many law students have very determined Type A personalities, and when their acceptances/grades/job prospects/etc. don't turn out exactly as they planned, they have a very time dealing with that. Even very top schools, that are very hard to get into and only admit smart, talented students--have a 'bottom of the class' and have students that graduate without jobs. When those students, that have been successful in their studies and most other endeavors, don't get to be X percent of the class, a job at X firm, or a job at all, its crushing. For some, that Type A determination 'pays off' and they do get whatever X, Y, and Z things that they wanted out of law school. For others, that Type A determination hurts them, when things don't work out as planned. I think having a hardworking, but also 'go with the flow' attitude is healthy and realistic.

I'm not saying that you should go into a program that you don't want to--I'm not saying that at all. I'm also not saying that you should go into a program that you are not entirely committed to joining--graduate programs are so expensive and stressful that its not worth it to leap without looking. I'm just saying that I don't think there is anything wrong with choosing a graduate program only if other important things line up; I don't think that means you're not committed. I think it makes sense to aim for your dream schools, to want to be with your SO, etc. and to take those factors into account when you decide whether or not you want to be in a graduate program. You'll probably work harder, and better, when those important values are satisfied. You should certainly go only if you really want it, but in the meantime, I think you should definitely apply to law schools and see where the cards fall, and make a decision then. Perhaps you won't even have to deal with distance at all.

 

[JewelFreak]

DH & I lived apart for a year while I was on the east coast for my job & he in San Francisco. I think we saw each other maybe 4 or 5 times. This was before the internet & Skype -- we talked on the phone almost every day but didn't have the present advantages. I won't say it wasn't hard -- it really was.

I'm not sure I'd do it again. The job was a promotion to my dream. The 2 difficult parts were the pressure of starting a new international dept. in the company with all eyes -- including from the parent corporation -- on me, and that I felt I wasn't helping DH & needed his support too. It did not affect our marriage & did show me that I had the strength to do the whole thing, but I was tense the entire year.

Considering the pressure of law school, plus the fact that your DH & MIL will possibly not support your being somewhere else, I would advise a school at least close enough to get home frequently and easily. The trouble is, in that case you will feel obligated to spend time with them when you may need to study. (I don't know why your MIL is in this -- it's really a decision for a husband & wife, period.)

It's a difficult decision, no way around that. I finally resolved it & quit the job by asking myself who I would rock on the porch with when I'm an old critter -- DH or an occupation? (To this day I think of that part with pain.) Everyone has to answer in their own ways.

--- Laurie

 

[marymm]

I am ready to start applying to law schools in the coming fall/winter. I scored really well (top 1%) on the LSAT and want to go to the best law school I can get into. My husband and his mother, who really wanted me to go to law school and talked me out of going to a great art school, do not want to me to go to school outside of NYC. What's worse is that they don't want me to pursue public interest work, which really bothers me. There are two great law schools in NYC and I'll be totally given going to one of them. I don't really like the other for some reason.

I love my husband and want to live with him during law school if possible. However, I feel like I'll regret my choice if I don't apply to schools outside of NYC. I don't know if I'm being selfish,though. My husband is worried that I'll find somebody else.

Does anybody have any experience living apart from his/her SO?

Law school is really, really tough - it takes a lot of time and focus - the fact that your first choice was art school and you allowed yourself to be talked out of it makes me question whether you really have the desire and drive to attend law school and thrive there.

You must know the stats on married couples and law school - it may be your DH also is familiar with these stats and his worries stem from them - it is no joke that you basically give up free time while in law school - classes and prepping for class is more than a full-time job - any bit of "free time" you have really needs to be spent on the necessities of life (sleep, exercise, food - you get it). Both you and your DH have to be on the same page when it comes to law school, because issues and problems will arise and, best case scenario, one or the other of you will say "but we knew this would come up when we decided law school was a priority for you/us."

I agree with the posters who said, put in your applications and see where you get accepted - then consider your best options and discuss with your DH.

I don't really understand why your MIL's opinion seems to carry so much weight - do you and your DH live with her or accept monetary support from her? If not, let her say what she wants, but don't give it any weight. What matters is what you think and what your DH thinks (and, fyi, your DH's opinions aren't of higher value just because his mom agrees with him!).

I did live apart from my DH for almost 2 years - we spoke on the phone and he visited 3 times - it was very, very hard for both of us but we were on the same page when it came to the need for it, and at the other end, we emerged the stronger for it. If we had been at cross-purposes, it would have put us asunder.

Good luck to you!

 

[Sakuracherry]

Gypsy,

I've done some research already and come to the conclusion that there are some schools that I should not attend. Do you think it's rude to contact strangers and ask for their time?

I need to have my personal statement checked by the pre-law advisor in school in September. I haven't done much volunteering in undergrad because of my busy schedule. I work 40+ hours a week and take 9-13 credits per semester. Is that going to hurt me?


Perry,

Thank you for your advice. Before we determine if we need counseling or not, I need to talk to my husband more about our current situation and future. He likes spending a lot of time with me and his mother and is afraid of living alone. We really need to have a serious talk once I am done with my summer semester. I am going to check out the book you recommended. Thank you.


Indylady,

I am not a very smart person and there were many times that things didn't work out the way I had hoped. I've learned that you need to make compromises. Just like you said, maybe law schools are better for people with type A personalities. Maybe I am not motivated enough to succeed. For me, it's either NYU or no law school, I guess. I will apply and see what happens. Thank you.


Laurie,

Thank you for sharing your story. I need to remind myself that I can't have it all. My husband is very close to his mother and visits her all the time. She is very nice to me, so I hope she'll understand that I won't be able to spend much time with her when I'm busy with school.

 

[canuk-gal]

Dear SC:

There are several threads on (long) distance engagements, relationships and marriages on PS. If you care, you can search for them and read on the numerous perspectives.

cheers--Sharon

 

[Sakuracherry]

Mary,

When I started a thread about studying photography, many of the posters advised against it because it would be very difficult for me to succeed. Many people around me have said that an MFA is useless. Now you are asking me if I have the desire and drive to attend law school. I don't know if I will succeed in law school. I'm probably not as motivated as other students as Indylady pointed out.

My husband and I like to spend time together, but we don't really talk to each other most days. He leaves for work around 6 in the morning and comes back home by 5 when he doesn't have class. I'm out of the house from 9 to midnight 4-5 days a week. I imagine it will be the same or a little worse when I start law school.

We send money to MIL every month to help her with the mortgage payment. My husband is very close to her and wants to help out as much as he can. We don't get financial help from anybody. Sometimes it' annoys me how my husband values his mother's opinion way too much.

Thank you very much, I appreciate your advice.


Sharon,

Good idea! I remember reading something a about military spouses. Thank you.

 

[Sky56]

I hope it's not taken the wrong way, my last intention is to insult...but I wonder...
I see that you help your MIL financially (paying her mortgage)...and nothing wrong with that. But she is pressuring you to go to law school and go into corporate law, etc. I sense that your cherished dreams and desires may not be foremost in her mind.

As Gypsy says, don't go into anything, especially something as grueling and expensive as law school, if your heart isn't 100% in it. I had NO idea about the ins and outs of law school and the way job opportunities work for recent graduates until I read Gypsy's posts and links. Like many others not in the know, I assumed that a law degree was a guaranteed ticket to success and gratification.

I have a BFA and sometimes regret not getting an MFA. It was my original dream - get an MFA and teach art in a small college in New Hampshire, Western Massachusetts or Vermont. I had full expenses paid for the first degree and funding for the second too, but turned it down because of the depression and nervous breakdown I had senior year at that school so well-known for depressed students.

It turned out that my future took a different direction, but I know people with MFAs who have nice careers teaching art and doing their own art on the side. They do have one big complaint though, they say that office politics and backstabbing among the professors and assistants at Universities are terrible.

 

[Indylady]

Indylady,

I am not a very smart person and there were many times that things didn't work out the way I had hoped. I've learned that you need to make compromises. Just like you said, maybe law schools are better for people with type A personalities. Maybe I am not motivated enough to succeed. For me, it's either NYU or no law school, I guess. I will apply and see what happens. Thank you.

No no no!! I did not mean to say that law schools are better for people with Type A personalities!

I meant the exact opposite for you. I think that law school may be good for you, and good for the realistic and grounded attitude that you have about it. I think that some people are crushed by law school, precisely because they have Type A personalities that are very interested in achieving and in some measure, judge themselves and their worth by that achievement. I think your approach is actually going to be more healthy for you.

The thing is, motivation is not the issue. Most law students do have motivation. The issue is pure statistics: there is always going to be a 'bottom of the class' even at a very top school since law schools grade on a strict curve. There will be some that don't get 'the job' because of the economy, or because of their grades or interview skills. There will be some that don't get won't get whatever, and that it a lot for some high achieving people to swallow. You sound very smart, and very high achieving--yet your approach is not to get mired down by a rejection. I think that is healthy, and I think it will be a good trait to carry you though law school.

 

[Sakuracherry]

Sky,

Please don't worry, you post did not offend me at all. My MIL didn't hesitate to show disappointment when her son (my husband) decided not to go to medical school and focus on his current job. She probably wants us to have a good job and be happy just because she struggled raising two kids as a single mother.

I don't know anybody in my family who went to college or lived abroad and I am very grateful for what I have right now. Maybe I'm just dreaming, but it will be nice to have a career I love and enjoy.

You are absolutely right, some people seem to enjoy teaching at universities after earning an MFA.


Indylady,

Oh no, I understand what you meant. I appreciate your encouraging comments. I just feel like law schools may be a better fit for people with type A personalities. I wonder if the lack of motivation could hurt me in law school. Some people come to law school with a clear goal, like getting a job at a big law. Like you said, those people might suffer when they don't get what they want. However, it seems very difficult to survive in law school if you don't have clear goals. If I go to law school, I'll keep your advice in my mind. I will study hard and refrain from holding unrealistic expectations and goals.

 

[Gypsy]

Gypsy,

I've done some research already and come to the conclusion that there are some schools that I should not attend. Do you think it's rude to contact strangers and ask for their time?

I need to have my personal statement checked by the pre-law advisor in school in September. I haven't done much volunteering in undergrad because of my busy schedule. I work 40+ hours a week and take 9-13 credits per semester. Is that going to hurt me?

A) You are a smart person. You need more self confidence. Work on that please.

B) No, it's not rude at all, that's what they are there for. I've been out of lawschool for over a decade. And I have all this knowledge and experience. When people, even strangers ask me for advice, I love it and am happy to share with them. And when I was just starting out I was lucky enough to have the confidence to reach out to strangers, and it was HUGE. They were so helpful. People LIKE to help. So be confident and go forward. Even if you run across ONE grumpy person, no big deal, just go to the next person on your list.

Also, you NEED to learn to network. It is a very important skill. SO this will teach you how. Think of it as a learning experience.

Volunteering. I didn't have time to do a bunch of volunteering either. It's okay. Many people don't. You can mention working through school in your personal statement if you want to. Or you can leave it out. FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE. Your personal statement is a MARKETING DEVICE. The point of it is to paint you in the best light.

I think you have my email honey. Right? If you need help with you personal statement shoot it over to me. And I'll take a look and help you if I can. Okay?

 

[pregcurious]

I am ready to start applying to law schools in the coming fall/winter. I scored really well (top 1%) on the LSAT and want to go to the best law school I can get into. My husband and his mother, who really wanted me to go to law school and talked me out of going to a great art school, do not want to me to go to school outside of NYC. What's worse is that they don't want me to pursue public interest work, which really bothers me. There are two great law schools in NYC and I'll be totally given going to one of them. I don't really like the other for some reason.

I love my husband and want to live with him during law school if possible. However, I feel like I'll regret my choice if I don't apply to schools outside of NYC. I don't know if I'm being selfish,though. My husband is worried that I'll find somebody else.

Does anybody have any experience living apart from his/her SO?

My husband and I were behind him going to the best business school he could get into. He got into one of the top 3. He went, and we lived apart. It was not good for our marriage.

It's okay to accept that one needs more in-face contact to have a healthy relationship...if both parties agree. If your husband needs more face time than you...do you ever feed smothered?

I think you know what is going to be best for you and you marriage, and you should go with that.

As for your mother-in-law having a say in where you go to school, that is a different issue. I think that you mentioned that you are Asian in another thread. I am too, and I appreciate that Asians families can be very tight knit. Still, if your mother-in-law should appreciate that going to school is not a permanent thing, and she should also look out for your interests, if she expects you to look out for hers. Give and take leads to good intimacy.

 

[Sakuracherry]

Gypsy,

I'm going to write to some people who work for the organizations I'm really interested in.

I appreciate all the help and advice I have received from you and the wonderful PSers. I have your email, so I will take up on your offer and send you my personal statement by the end of year.


pregcurious,

I love my husband, but I'm so used to spending little time with him because of our busy schedule. Maybe he hasn't realized that he will not see me at home all the time if I go to law school. How often did you see him when you lived apart?

I am Japanese and my husband's family is white. He is just very close to his mother. She is a very nice person, but I just don't agree with her sometimes. I would hate to disappoint her with my career choice. Hopefully she'll understand and respect my choose someday.

 

[ckrickett]

Gypsy,

I'm going to write to some people who work for the organizations I'm really interested in.

I appreciate all the help and advice I have received from you and the wonderful PSers. I have your email, so I will take up on your offer and send you my personal statement by the end of year.


pregcurious,

I love my husband, but I'm so used to spending little time with him because of our busy schedule. Maybe he hasn't realized that he will not see me at home all the time if I go to law school. How often did you see him when you lived apart?

I am Japanese and my husband's family is white. He is just very close to his mother. She is a very nice person, but I just don't agree with her sometimes. I would hate to disappoint her with my career choice. Hopefully she'll understand and respect my choose someday.

It is not up to her what your career choice it. That is between you and your husband. Unless she is footing the entire bill in regards to tuition, living expenses and extra then MAYBE you should consider her opinion. If not don't.
I don't think it should be a factor, but it should be a very teeny factor. First and foremost it is your life. If something were to happen to your relationship then you can fall back on your career (I'm not saying it would happen just worst case what ifs). You wouldn't worry about her opinion then? So why now. Also if your husband values her opinion above yours that is a different discussion.

I am saying this because I was in a very committed relationship and his parents had OPINIONS about what I should do for a career. It was stressful and hard and I always felt inferior, and they never took me seriously. If I had followed there lead I would have ended up doing work I hated and been very down about it.

However I agree with not leaving your support system. Especially if your husband has worries.
I had a few friends who just finished law school and they didn't go to top notch schools, but they were smart, had drive and amazing networking skills and they were employed rather quickly with high paying jobs in the fields they loved. Their mentality was I could go to Harvard, Yale or wherever but would it make sense. Will I be top of my class? Will the competition with other students bring me down? Ultimately they decided to go to lower ranked schools and excelled so much that they stood out above people who went to higher ranked schools who were middle of the road grade wise. I truly believe you will regret living far away from your husband when times get rough. I would;t consider it, but then again that is me.

I didn't go to law school so I really know nothing about it, but from who I know they seem happy and successful and one of them just payed off their entire student loan (and bought a brand new BMW) and he isn't even 30 year. And they did that from schools who are no where near top ranked.

 

[OECsareforLovers]

I'm currently living away from my SO 50% of the time so I thought I'd put forward my experience. My field requires a postdoctoral fellowship after a PhD and the best place for me (in terms of professional development) was outside of our current city. SO is a business owner so he can't really up and move. He spends 3 weeks with me and then 3 weeks where his business is located. In all honestly we are managing it well probably because I am fairy independent and we don't have trust issues. For us, the situation is temporary (another year or so), and the payoff will be worth it so I'm happy we took the risk and made the move, but I get that its not for everyone. At any rate, I wish you the best of luck and encourage you to follow your heart!

 

[Imdanny]

7 month for work related reasons in 18 years. I can't say anything good about it. I didn't like it, didn't eat well, and started smoking after three years without (I've since quit again).

 

[liaerfbv]

When my DH decided he wanted to go to law school, we knew that we would have to make some sort of geographic compromise as the only law school in our city was not a good school. I had just been promoted at my job and really didn't want to move. DH applied a great school a few hours away and got in. We tried commuting for a year - he would drive to school and stay (he rented a studio apartment in the area), and come home once or twice a week as he was able to. It was a miserable nightmare, honestly. We missed each other, I was very anxious alone in our house, and I worried about him driving on the freeways so much. He felt like he was really distracted from his studies because we were trying so hard to keep our marriage connection strong. We skyped and talked on the phone constantly, but it wasn't the same. We ended up moving to the city where his school was located after the first year, and we still live here now several years later after his graduation.

I would never live apart from him again, even on a part-time basis. We are a package deal. Law school will be enough of a strain on your marriage. There's no need to add distance to the list of troubles.