Do you parent like your parents did?

[kenny]

I sometimes wonder if we are all destined to parent like our parents did, both the good and the bad.

Then again, there's what I call the "Rubber Band Effect", where you didn't like your mom or dad doing X so you go too far in the opposite direction.

In what ways are you similar to, or different from, your parents when it comes to parenting your kid(s)?

 

[mayerling]

No. My parents spanked (obviously not all the time, but they did), swatted hands, etc. They also scared me into not doing certain behaviours. I'm against physical or verbal violence of any form. I also understand what my child is able to comprehend at his age, and don't expect him to act in ways that are beyond his years, i.e. if my child sees a kite flying and he gets excited and starts shouting "kite-kite-kite" (or whatever his word of the day might be), I won't shush him and expect him to be a quiet. He's 23 months old, not four years old.

 

[packrat]

JD learned how NOT to parent, from his parents. I do things differently than my parents. We celebrate holidays. We encourage our kids to go out for activities/sports/music etc. Trapper we found excels in soccer, and he will be starting Taekwondo w/London next week. London is a green belt in TKD, will be starting her 6th year of dance, did tennis camp this summer, will be playing the clarinet in band this next year, and has been in two plays, doing the child lead in both, and wants to be in more. We take our kids places, (like the zoo) we go out to eat, out for ice cream, to the park, out for walks, we go swimming.

We are quite a bit more loosy goosy w/rules than my parents were.

 

[LaraOnline]

Do you parent like your parents did?

Short answer: NO.

Long answer:

My father was the typically distant almost english-style Dad where he might speak to you once or twice in the week.
He went with us to see Mary Poppins (the Julie Andrews movie version LOL) and it was the highlight of my childhood, because in my memory it was the only time he had ever spent any time with us doing kid-centred stuff.

My husband avoids the boring, repetitive stuff like washing, cleaning, homework, school stuff, home maintenance, most running around, any kind of housework or basics grocery shopping but he does enjoy our family and will make an effort to hang out with the kids several days a week. Better than nothin'! Actually he is much more child-centred than my own dad... a good thing. He has a much warmer and livelier relationship to show for it, too.

Myself, I am not keen on leaving the children for evenings out, or having them catch the bus, come home alone, get their own food or be left to fend for themselves. On the odd occasion when my eldest is sick, she will beg me to leave her on the sofa watching television while I do the morning school run. I feel uncomfortable, but I've recently begun to let her have her way. My kids are age 9,7 and 5. By 10 years old, I as the oldest was coming home to an empty house every school day, and organising any after school activities completely by myself. Not Cool.

My children are very appreciative of me and so far (!!) we have a really great relationship. I hope this continues.

 

[chrono]

I try to be physically and verbally more affectionate with my children and I am also more relaxed in disciplining. On the other hand, I also do not push them as hard to excellence either.

 

[ponder]

Yes, I do. My parents did a fabulous job and my brother and I turned out wonderfully. Both parents were extremely fair and supportive without being overbearing and controlling. As I was growing up my friends actually referred to our family as "the Cleavers"
DH came from a loving and supportive family but there were issues with addiction (alcohol for his dad and food for his mom) that created parenting situations that he doesn't want to repeat.


I think our parenting style stems directly from our relationship style. Very healthy, 50/50 partnership, lots of mutual respect. This is very similar to my parents relationship.

 

[dk168]

My parents were partly responsible for putting me off having kids for life, full stop!

DK

 

[arkieb1]

No. My mother spent a lot of time hitting me and screaming at me and I remember that so I attempt to be calm and do not hit my son. My father worked and was usually busy but he was great when he had free time. My husband tries to spend his free with our son. We have had youngish German backpackers stay with us (they were 1 and they commented that they thought our laid back no hitting and as little yelling as possible even when our son was having a major meltdown was really good approach and unlike most parents they knew.

 

[m-2-b]

No, we are totally hands on parents. We make sure to spend a lot of family time together and show them that we love them.

 

[luv2sparkle]

No. My parents were abusive (mom) and uncaring and never around (dad). I always felt like a outsider with my much older siblings. My children know they are loved and have never experienced any abuse (thank God).

My kids were probably raised much more like my husband was.

 

[monarch64]

Yes and no. I had a relatively good upbringing, but there were things I knew I would DO or NOT DO if I ever became a parent. I tend to be less rigid, more laid-back so far. My husband is very adamant about being hands-on and involved in most every aspect of parenting so far. She's only 2, so I'm sure we will both evolve and change through the years as far as our parenting styles. I feel like we are leading a happy existence as a family thus far.

I do try to keep in mind the "rubber band effect," because the things I would like to do differently are things my parents had good reasons for. So maybe I won't necessarily change the boundaries, but I might change (well, I already have changed a few) the approach.

 

[Jennifer W]

Nope. For a lot of reasons, but mainly because I don't really share many of their values, which is obviously a big part of parenting. I have different views on a lot of things to theirs.

ETA, they did a lot of things that were fantastic, and I try to pick the best examples to share with my own daughter. They taught me things that I am passing on to her. They just didn't parent like I do, probably just because we're very different.

My husband is a far bigger influence on my parenting style. He's good at it, knows what he's doing, goes at it intelligently and gives me the confidence to do it better than I otherwise could. I parent like he does, as much as I can.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I think my parents did a good job,my brother and I turned out well, but due to cultural reasons, there was not a lot of physical affection. They made sure all our basic needs were met, my dad was a provider, and my mom being a stay-at-home mom, was always at our school activities etc, so she was more in touch with what's going on in our lives. My husband and I shower our kids with hugs and kisses, but other than that, we parent our kids they way our parents did.

We are both working parents, but we try to make time for their activities, and we spend a lot of our time with our kids. for eg, my husband is at home right now (he took 2 weeks off) to hang out with my kids during their summer break, and he's building a clubhouse with them today. We are equally loving but are also both disciplinarians too, and our parenting styles mesh really well.

 

[Meezermom]

No, neither do my brother or sister. None of us had a happy childhood - but we met some really great people along the way who were very positive influences in our lives. We all raised our children with love, respect and good guidance. We all have close relationships with our children because we took a different parenting path.

 

[Rockdiamond]

I think it's pretty near impossible for anyone 40 or older to parent like their parents did.
The whole context or life has changed so much that you need to adapt your parenting style to our environment differently.
My parents didn't need to worry about what I might see on a TV screen- nor did they have any qualms telling me to go play outside when I was 3 or 4.

I have friends with young kids that don't have a TV at home, much less an ipad.
My respect for them is boundless......

 

[GliderPoss]

I was very blessed, my parents were very caring loving people and I had a wonderful childhood. As we grew older they were strict but fair and we all turned out ok If I can parent half as well as my own did I'll be happy.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I absolutely DO NOT parent the way I was brought up.

My father was an alcoholic who was also bi-polar and had lifelong PTSD from his experiences in WWII. My mother had emotional problems and saw her 3 daughters as rivals, not children. Living with them was like living on the edge of a volcano--you NEVER knew what, why or when he would erupt. I remember being smacked around so badly that when I went to my babysitting job the mother asked me if I was OK {and this was a looonnnngggg time ago}. My mother, who should have protected us wouldn't hesitate to throw us under the bus if it meant diverting his anger from her. Altho I've let it go thanks to wonderful therapist, I still have residual emotional bitterness.

I most certainly parent differently--a complete 180 degree. We NEVER hit, we seldom raised our voices, tried to lead by example. In addition I am a very affectionate wife and mother. I can't remember seeing ANY affection between my parents or any affection, love or encouragement from them. Sometimes I get teary when my son spontaneously kisses me good by and tells me he loves me.

I knew early on that if I was blessed to have a child I would NOT repeat the mistakes I grew up with. And thank God I have a kid who seems to have his stuff together. He was a joy to parent.

 

[AprilBaby]

Nope, dad was self absorbed and I can't remember a single time that he told me he loved me. Mom died when I was five. Dad got remarried within the year. Step mom was a drill Sargent. We were forbidden to do almost anything. They went out a lot together and left the kids ( 4 of us) with me to babysit constantly. I almost didn't want kids. We were always suspected of doing something wrong but we never were. The two youngest ( hers) are now a complete mess. Number two has mental issues. I seem to be normal, but after all, what's normal?
My kids grew up with tons of love. They knew what I expected but were free to choose their own choice as long as they knew the consequences. All four are quite lovely! (24-31 yrs old)

 

[LaraOnline]

OMG childhood seems to be something so many of us basically 'survive'.
But then parenting is sooooo demanding that unless you have the knack and the support - all your ducks in row basically - it must be so so easy to fall through the cracks parenting-wise as well. I'm so lucky to have a stable and loving home, makes my parenting job so much easier. In my own mother's defence, she was left a widow at age 32, which as a spoilt only child was a huge shock to her. She still did a pathetic job of it though lol.

Why can't we be like foals, and get up to walk within a couple of hours of birth lol would make it so much easier on both parents and children

 

[monarch64]

OMG childhood seems to be something so many of us basically 'survive'.
But then parenting is sooooo demanding that unless you have the knack and the support - all your ducks in row basically - it must be so so easy to fall through the cracks parenting-wise as well. I'm so lucky to have a stable and loving home, makes my parenting job so much easier. In my own mother's defence, she was left a widow at age 32, which as a spoilt only child was a huge shock to her. She still did a pathetic job of it though lol.

Why can't we be like foals, and get up to walk within a couple of hours of birth lol would make it so much easier on both parents and children :lol:

That would be nice, wouldn't it? I've seen horses parent young calves who lost their mothers. Even animals (who are still social) have the need to feel nurtured and loved to go on with their lives if they're abandoned. It's fascinating. I grew up on a farm and learned so much about animal behavior and that there are so many similarities in the way animals and humans alike parent their young.

They say time heals all wounds, but I believe people carry wounds (however healed) throughout their lives. This is why I think we all feel it's so important to make changes. Sending healing vibes to all who continue to hurt. I understand.

 

[LaraOnline]

OMG childhood seems to be something so many of us basically 'survive'.
But then parenting is sooooo demanding that unless you have the knack and the support - all your ducks in row basically - it must be so so easy to fall through the cracks parenting-wise as well. I'm so lucky to have a stable and loving home, makes my parenting job so much easier. In my own mother's defence, she was left a widow at age 32, which as a spoilt only child was a huge shock to her. She still did a pathetic job of it though lol.

Why can't we be like foals, and get up to walk within a couple of hours of birth lol would make it so much easier on both parents and children :lol:

That would be nice, wouldn't it? I've seen horses parent young calves who lost their mothers. Even animals (who are still social) have the need to feel nurtured and loved to go on with their lives if they're abandoned. It's fascinating. I grew up on a farm and learned so much about animal behavior and that there are so many similarities in the way animals and humans alike parent their young.

They say time heals all wounds, but I believe people carry wounds (however healed) throughout their lives. This is why I think we all feel it's so important to make changes. Sending healing vibes to all who continue to hurt. I understand.

Soo true Monarch!
I feel a true admiration for the 'wild mothers' - the tigers, the lionesses, the elephants, polar bears etc etc...they are mothering in the face of shrinking habitats, reduced ranges and food sources...they are doing it tough but doing their best for their species and, it seems, for the planet. !!!
I'll never forget the day I brought my first baby home from hospital. My dog was waiting for me, and greeted me on my return. She got herself up on her hind legs (she had multiple skeletal problems, so this in itself was unusual) and as I presented her with my bundled up baby, she sniffed her, from a distance, so delicately. I got the strong impression she knew it was my baby.

That impression - of an intrinsic understanding across the divide of species - was further brought home to me when my next dog had her first and only litter. She was a good mother and would not let my children touch her newly born pups. However, she proudly rose to her feet when I walked in the first time, and presented the children to me, mother to mother. It was a profound moment of motherly pride for her.

I hope you don't think me batsh*t crazy for talking like this lol. But the sacrifices and tenacity required of mums is the same across all species and should be respected for what it is! I could now bring up the grief I felt when my darling clever guinea pig died in childbirth...but will attempt to restrain myself. I raged at the injustice and cruelty of sexual biology for some weeks and indeed there's a part of me that still has not gotten over it!

 

[monarch64]

I love your words, Lara. All of them. Thank you.

 

[Calliecake]

OMG childhood seems to be something so many of us basically 'survive'.
But then parenting is sooooo demanding that unless you have the knack and the support - all your ducks in row basically - it must be so so easy to fall through the cracks parenting-wise as well. I'm so lucky to have a stable and loving home, makes my parenting job so much easier. In my own mother's defence, she was left a widow at age 32, which as a spoilt only child was a huge shock to her. She still did a pathetic job of it though lol.

Why can't we be like foals, and get up to walk within a couple of hours of birth lol would make it so much easier on both parents and children :lol:

That would be nice, wouldn't it? I've seen horses parent young calves who lost their mothers. Even animals (who are still social) have the need to feel nurtured and loved to go on with their lives if they're abandoned. It's fascinating. I grew up on a farm and learned so much about animal behavior and that there are so many similarities in the way animals and humans alike parent their young.

They say time heals all wounds, but I believe people carry wounds (however healed) throughout their lives. This is why I think we all feel it's so important to make changes. Sending healing vibes to all who continue to hurt. I understand.

Soo true Monarch!
I feel a true admiration for the 'wild mothers' - the tigers, the lionesses, the elephants, polar bears etc etc...they are mothering in the face of shrinking habitats, reduced ranges and food sources...they are doing it tough but doing their best for their species and, it seems, for the planet. !!!
I'll never forget the day I brought my first baby home from hospital. My dog was waiting for me, and greeted me on my return. She got herself up on her hind legs (she had multiple skeletal problems, so this in itself was unusual) and as I presented her with my bundled up baby, she sniffed her, from a distance, so delicately. I got the strong impression she knew it was my baby.

That impression - of an intrinsic understanding across the divide of species - was further brought home to me when my next dog had her first and only litter. She was a good mother and would not let my children touch her newly born pups. However, she proudly rose to her feet when I walked in the first time, and presented the children to me, mother to mother. It was a profound moment of motherly pride for her.

I hope you don't think me batsh*t crazy for talking like this lol. But the sacrifices and tenacity required of mums is the same across all species and should be respected for what it is! I could now bring up the grief I felt when my darling clever guinea pig died in childbirth...but will attempt to restrain myself. I raged at the injustice and cruelty of sexual biology for some weeks and indeed there's a part of me that still has not gotten over it!

Lara, I loved you post. It think it's also true of male dogs. My sister had her dog for five years before having children and was very protective of my sister. Everyone worried the dog would have jealousy issues with the baby. As soon as the baby came home he assumed the protective role with the baby. He wouldn't leave her side. It was so sweet to the dogs relationship with my niece as she grew up.

 

[LaraOnline]

Look what link just turned up into inbox!
Lots of cute photos of animal mums!
(Thread meander alert )

http://www.lifebuzz.com/animal-parents/?utm_source=email

 

[monarch64]

Look what link just turned up into inbox!
Lots of cute photos of animal mums!
(Thread meander alert )

http://www.lifebuzz.com/animal-parents/?utm_source=email

That's the best series of photos I have ever seen. (That's saying something, especially with all the fantastic pics of bling on PS!)

 

[Calliecake]

Look what link just turned up into inbox!
Lots of cute photos of animal mums!
(Thread meander alert )

http://www.lifebuzz.com/animal-parents/?utm_source=email

If these pictures don't warm your heart, nothing ever will. Thank you so much for posting them Lara!

 

[lambskin]

The apple does not fall far from the tree (the good ,bad and ugly)! I parent like my folks did-they raised two successful, functional girls who also have stable marriages. No parenting style is perfect and no family unit is ideal. We joke that we put the 'fun' in dysfunction. My husband and I have different backgrounds and were raised with different parenting styles but the end goals were the same. I am more strict and rigid compared to my hubby who is more forgiving and patient. So the ying and yang at times do conflict but our girls seem to pick the best of both worlds and know what is expected -manners, love and respect for others, and an appreciation of self. They are preteens now so the trials and tribulations have begun but they see how tough the world is and what they must do to survive and at the same time enjoy the little things and appreciate what they have. The world is different than when I grew up and social media IMHO attacks the family unit and undermines parental influence as well as diminish the role of father i.e. the dumb daddy.