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I found out I have a half sister....

innerkitten

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 1, 2003
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5,623
I'm really into genealogy and family history and have been researching my family tree on and off for a few years. A little over a month ago I contacted a fellow researcher through a popular ancestry site because she was researching some of the same surnames. Long story short I mentioned it to my mother. The next day she came over and said" sit down I have something to tell you", and "the woman you've been exchanging emails with is your sister".

I guess when my mother was younger and living with her boyfriend ( a man she has never told me about ever but was with for possibly four years !) she found out she was pregnant. Now I don't know exactly all the details of the relationship she had with her ex. But she said that he pressured her a lot. She didn't want to marry him or have a child with him. So she decided as soon as she found out she was pregnant that she wouldn't tell anyone ( he knew of course), not even her family about the pregnancy, and that she would give the baby up for adoption. This was nine years before I was born.

So thats the long story short. I think my new sister is pretty cool and want a friendship with her. But my mom doesn't really want a relationship with her. In fact my mother told me not to tell anyone. Not even her husband or my father! She doesn't seem to want to think about that chapter of her life, and she said the adoption records were sealed for a reason, because she didn't want contact in the future.



This has happened to my husband twice! I guess after his mother and father split up his dad really got around. So when I told him he said " don't worry this kind of thing happens to me all the time".

I forgot to mention. My half sibling knew it was me when I contacted her, but she was respecting my mothers wishes by not saying anything to me. She had contacted my mother a few years earlier and they had exchanged a few emails.
 

amc80

Ideal_Rock
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Jun 18, 2010
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Wow, that is crazy!
 

Enerchi

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Oct 4, 2011
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10,658
whoa! now that's a bit of family history that was unexpected!

How are you doing with the news? both from your mom's and sister's side of things? That's a big bomb that got dropped on you... but considering your mom's situation (and not sure of the era that this happened in or her geographical location, because that also plays a big part in the decision...) she did a wonderful thing to give her first daughter a loving home. I can kind of understand her wanting to block that out of her mind. "Painful" probably doesn't even touch what she went thru - with both the ex-BF relationship and releasing her child for adoption.

It took a lot for her to tell you, at this point in your lives ... take it easy on each other while you process all this.

Thinking of you, Innerkitten... {{{HUGS}}}

(ps, your DH sounds pretty cool about his family history!)
 

innerkitten

Ideal_Rock
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Enerchi|1370988470|3463727 said:
whoa! now that's a bit of family history that was unexpected!

How are you doing with the news? both from your mom's and sister's side of things? That's a big bomb that got dropped on you... but considering your mom's situation (and not sure of the era that this happened in or her geographical location, because that also plays a big part in the decision...) she did a wonderful thing to give her first daughter a loving home. I can kind of understand her wanting to block that out of her mind. "Painful" probably doesn't even touch what she went thru - with both the ex-BF relationship and releasing her child for adoption.

It took a lot for her to tell you, at this point in your lives ... take it easy on each other while you process all this.

Thinking of you, Innerkitten... {{{HUGS}}}

(ps, your DH sounds pretty cool about his family history!)

Thank you!

I feel my mother did the right thing too. It was 1961.
 

packrat

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Dec 12, 2008
Messages
10,614
:o Holy cow, what a shock! Did you feel like you were in a movie or a book or something? So will you approach her again as her sister?
 

FrekeChild

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Dec 14, 2007
Messages
19,456
Hugs IK. I'm actually in your half sister's situation a bit. I was adopted after my bio-mom had me at 20ish years old, and I have a younger half sister and I have no idea if she knows of my existence or not. I haven't made any contact, but I've been doing a lot of research online...It's kind of a crazy, stressful situation all around.
 

NonieMarie

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 30, 2012
Messages
948
Wow! It's sad that your mom has lived with a secret for so many years. It seems that she thinks keeping the weight of the secret is easier than just letting it go. Maybe she will come around and there will be a healthy relationship for you all. I send you hugs.
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
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Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
^I don't necessarily think it's sad. Lots of women choose adoption for various reasons and I think that in this case, her mom's choice deserves to be respected.
 

wordie89

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Joined
Jan 27, 2012
Messages
584
Wow.

That being said, it happened to my Dad (who is 88), my nephew (who is 22) and my roomie; not as unusual a I once thought but still surprising to the unsuspecting. Sending you wishes for patience, love, and good relations with all your family.
 

Dandi

Ideal_Rock
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Jan 9, 2006
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Oh my goodness ik! What a surprise, to say the least!!

I was in a similar situation, when I was 8 years old (my brothers were 6 and 9). once we were all old enough to understand, mum and dad told us that we also have a half brother (mum's son from a relationship in her early twenties, prior to meeting my dad... as she was young and unmarried she was forced either have an abortion or to give my brother up for adoption). It was an open adoption in those days, mum got all sorts of updates from his adoptive parents over the years, but the only means of contact was to be by him once he turned 18.

We waited with baited breath around his 18th birthday, and were shocked and thrilled when we wrote to us and wanted to meet us all! He was delighted to learn he had two brothers and a sister! His adoptive parents had adopted another son also. We have little contact with him, he is now married with children, but he has been here for all my brothers' and my major life events.

I really hope that you and your mum are coping OK with the news. I hope that you all find a resolution that everyone is comfortable with, big hugs and best of luck! Keep us updated if you possibly can!
 

SB621

Ideal_Rock
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Aug 25, 2009
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7,864
oh my i can only imagine what a shock that was!!!! I have no advise to give but just send hugs IK. I hope you, your mother and your sister can find a place where is everyone is comfortable with building a relationship. Goodluck!
 

movie zombie

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Jan 20, 2005
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11,879
I have complete faith in your ability to form a relationship with your new found half-sister. I don't sense that you are troubled by this but that your mother is......and I do wish you luck in that department.
 

Mayk

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Feb 12, 2011
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As a reunited adoptee its emotional on both sides for all involved. I was given up for adoption by a 20 yr old college student in 1962 and adopted by an older couple. By the time I was 30 they had both passed away and with no siblings I decided to search. I hired an attorney and a post adoption search specialist from Catholic Charities. I found my mother at 31. She had been looking for me since I was 18. We are the best of friends and I can't imagine my life without her. She had a son and while they are close I will probably never be close to him because his wife sees me as the intruder... She was there before I showed up.

My birth father wants zero to do with me. He was an a$$ to my mother and when I asked for medical info because of health issues with my daughter he refused even though I wanted nothing else. We've only had contact once via the phone in 15 years. He didn't want to tell his family. I really couldn't care less, he treated my mom like dirt and I only contacted him for DD. I will never contact him again. He has children that have no idea I exist.

It's a journey if you search and I think you have to be prepared for anything. I was one of the lucky ones.
 

pregcurious

Ideal_Rock
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Mar 18, 2009
Messages
6,724
Wow, that is quite a shock. I hope you have peace with whatever happens.
 

Tourmaline

Ideal_Rock
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Nov 17, 2013
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Wow! That's amazing!
 
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