Advice backfired. Now I am the killer of dreams

[nala]

I'm surprised at the number of people who are saying that you did kill her dream or are implying that you are A negative Nellie bc you were realistic with an adult about a fantasy, not a dream. A dream requires hard work to achieve, and if one is determined to accomplish it, listening to advice is part of the process, not the end of it. Also, just bc she didn't solicit advice doesn't mean that As her aunt, you can't offer it. She is not a stranger. Families look out for each other and are honest. Unfortunately, it seems that her dad has raised her to view you in this light and he seems very comfortable blaming you. Both of them seem very immature. Idk much about you, but I wonder if you are the most successful person in your family and if you are thus viewed as the know-it-all. In my family, I am and I'm resented for it so I have learned to nod And agree with my neices bad decisions bc my opinions are no longer welcomed. My niece and her parents took out 80k in loans for a for profit univ. After I told her not to. And she has nothing to show for it but debt. And they are all mad at me still. Good luck repairing that relationship, but it sounds like it's been a long time brewing and no, I wouldn't apologize for caring and being honest, bc it will not make a difference.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Hi,

I think your niece learned that you don't think very much of her. Whatever the job was she wasn't going to get a $100,000 job anyway.
You did kill a dream, which is why she probably cried. You should have left it to the job interviewer to do that. She's 24, not 15, and hopefully will see the job for what it is. Mary Kay, Amway, and other companies listed on the NYSE have sales jobs where you can make that kind of money and don't need an education. Microsoft, Google all companies with owners that are college drop-outs.

I have one niece that didn't go to college. She has big ideas which work for while, and then fizzle. But most of us in the family, think
she will make it. She has hit the $100,000 mark and works with the most interesting and some famous people. She wrote a book a few yrs back and I was the only one to read the drafts. But she said, if you hate it, please don't tell me. My role is to encourage. Let people have their dreams.

I just would have just said-- don't sign anything! College degrees are not worth what they once were. Yes, I think you should apologize and tell her you think the world of her. She can do anything. People need that from families. She will learn her own limitations soon enough, as most of us do.

Annette


s

No one is saying that a person without a college degree can't earn a six figure salary. What we are saying is that no one is going to offer a six figure salary to someone with no experience (except, perhaps, for some very few positions, if you are the person who really stands out for some reason).

I believe that family should, indeed, provide support. That doesn't mean closing their eyes and saying "you can do anything". It means providing guidance and support so the dream can come true. Help the niece find a good job, don't just let her go blind into an interview.

 

[MollyMalone]

No one is saying that a person without a college degree can't earn a six figure salary. What we are saying is that no one is going to offer a six figure salary to someone with no experience (except, perhaps, for some very few positions, if you are the person who really stands out for some reason).

I believe that family should, indeed, provide support. That doesn't mean closing their eyes and saying "you can do anything". It means providing guidance and support so the dream can come true. Help the niece find a good job, don't just let her go blind into an interview.

+1. I especially like your distinction between being supportive and saying, "you can do anything." None of us can do anything; what we can do is seek to play to our strengths.

just as an informational fyi, Annette, here are the kinds of positions in advertising with median incomes (i.e., not starting salaries) in the $80-100,000 range, deemed to be High Income in the field. These are all senior/management positions; none is going to be held by a high school graduate with no relevant experience:
http://www1.salary.com/High-Income-Advertising-Salaries.html

 

[aljdewey]

I would write her a short email along the lines of 'you're a great young woman, I think you have the drive to achieve your dreams, my reservations were about the job, not you'. Just to make sure she realises you were worried about the scammy sounding job.

This is a fabulous suggestion.

 

[Dreamer_D]

She is twenty effing four. You told the truth. You also apologized when she got upset. You did nothing wrong.
I would write her a short email along the lines of 'you're a great young woman, I think you have the drive to achieve your dreams, my reservations were about the job, not you'. Just to make sure she realises you were worried about the scammy sounding job.

If family can't help and protect each other, what's the point? Especially when someone is so naive. It sounds like she had an entire life-dream planned out based on this job.

Ditto.

 

[MMtwo]

See...Lady Disdain, yes! Ditto.

This has been hard for me because my core belief is not to molly-coddle adults. I was gentle in what I said, I did not sniff or sneer. I DO see what many of you said and that the implied message could have been she could not do great things, but my intention was to bring her dreamy ideas back to reality.

There is a part of me that does NOT want to sugar coat information for a 24 year old. A sweet young thing of 15, or maybe even 18, sure. I'm sorry, I smell BS. Like many on here, I did my round of crappy job interviews (which I am HAPPY to see her go on, if it were not 4 hours away!)

I KNOW I am tough-love...I came from poverty and pulled myself out of the gutter by myself by going to college in my 30's. The world is a hard place for dreamers without a game plan. I am sure my experiences have colored my perception, but the me at that age needed someone to give me a dose of truth, not pet my ego. Both of my kids are in college on scholarships. I never stopped talking about poverty and how much preparing for an adult future can help minimize that outcome. I am still not rich at all, but I am damned if I will let my kids slide through the cracks without a word.

I love and support her, but not sure setting her up for endless "happy feels" is doing her any good. Her daddy let her move a boyfriend into the house with her at 18 (from across the country, never met, ended up a druggie abuser). Daddy spoils her rotten. She has no bills or responsibilities. She also has had issues with manipulation...oh the stories I won't share here. Daddy pays for everything. This part of the story is the part that bucks the "special snowflake" mentality.

For the record, I messaged her to apologize for hurting her feelings and told her I love her and that I do think she is talented and can achieve many things. She has not answered or acknowledged.

I appreciate all of the points of view on here.

 

[isaku5]

Wonderful suggestion!

I understand the kneejerk reaction that that aunt had - she hadn't had the time to digest the particulars. The first red flag was the 6 figure income for a young lady who is not qualified in any particular field; the second red flag is the suggested dress code. C'mon, I've never been asked by an employer to wear specific attire and what's more I don't think it's legal to do that.

If she were my niece, I'd be afraid of a scam or worse. So sorry.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,


I just read your post about what you went through in life, and I wanted to scratch my post here. I see where you are coming from , you have come a long way baby. This episode is just a blip, and I see you apologized to her already. You are a nice Aunt who was trying to help. Pay no attention to what I said. I know you're not fragile, how could you be after all that, so I know you were only trying to help.

Annette

 

[MMtwo]

Annette,

This is so sweet! I value your opinion on the matter. I am sure it will blow over, our family is strong at the core. I was just a bit lost on how off base my reactions were. I want to do the right thing and friends to kick my tail when I need it (or not) LOL.

Hi,


I just read your post about what you went through in life, and I wanted to scratch my post here. I see where you are coming from , you have come a long way baby. This episode is just a blip, and I see you apologized to her already. You are a nice Aunt who was trying to help. Pay no attention to what I said. I know you're not fragile, how could you be after all that, so I know you were only trying to help.

Annette

 

[minousbijoux]

Flipping it around for a minute here to look at the bright side, she now knows who she can go to who will be honest with her. While in the short run what you said might have upset her, in the long run, she sees that you are honest, savvy and someone who has her best interests at heart. If you get through this in one piece, it wouldn't surprise me if she uses you as a sounding board in the future knowing she can count on you as a straight shooter.

 

[pregcurious]

You did the right thing to apologize to her. I think you know all the possibles issues because you came here. Just getting opinions from us, when we don't know you, your relationship, or your niece, is only going to have limited usefulness.

I think the most important thing when dealing with other adults you love is to be supportive. It's okay to caution them if something is going to put them in harms way, but it's okay to let them learn their lessons about other things.

 

[AprilBaby]

I probably would have just lent her the blazer and sent her to the interview to find out for herself if she is not qualified. But what's done is done. Send a short note telling her you hope it went well and you hope she didn't take it as mean spirited, which you didn't intend. She may thank you later if it doesn't work out.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I don't think that what you said was wrong. I have been told the same thing. One of my kids wanted to be a 'video game' creator. When I suggested that programming might take some math skills, I was a dream killer. Oh well. You could have probably said nothing, but I suspect there was a bit of concern for her and what she was walking into. I don't think you need to write her a note, but doing so would just affirm to her you love her, and were concerned for her. Accomplishing goal or getting a certain position doesn't usually happen without some work ahead of time. It was naive of her to think it would.

 

[lambskin]

You did nothing wrong. You did not prevent her from going to the interview and you provided a blazer. She knew deep down that the job may not be as promised and you were the scapegoat. Otherwise she would not have given up so quickly. She sounds like she is a free spirit- and has been able to express herself until it was no longer viable-she is 24 years old and now has to be in the Big World. Where were her parents when she getting pierced and tatooed and working fast food? I appreciate and admire people who express themselves and find a way to do so. But the economy is so bad with few jobs and plenty of well qualified applicants that any excuse for rejection is excersized. I think she is more frustrated and mad at herself and situation than with you.

 

[manderz]

This brings back memories of looking for a summer job during college and getting dressed up in a suit for a "great high paying opportunity". "Wait, you want me to sell knives????" I was naïve and going to that Cutco interview was eye opening. I left deflated and confused. Nowhere in the ad did it mention sales or knives.

I sold those knives...lol. Actually I sold ONE set of knives to my parents. This was either directly before or directly after I had the million dollar opportunity to sell fire extinguishers.

I went to one of those interviews, too. The interview was awful.The sad part is there's just no way I'd have been able to sell anything, because the factory is semi-local. Everyone's already got a set.

 

[Nyc2chigal]

moneymeister, you know your relationship with your neice better than anyone on this board.

To say you were harsh on her is talking without knowing, honestly.

Your neice knows you, which is why she talked to you about it.

I think what you did was out of love and care for her. Simple as that.