Is it okay to flirt or hit on a married person?

[perry]

Jaysonsmom:

I have no problem with your sharing with your husband. My wife and I share all kinds of stuff.

I think you are doing well and sound very much like a balanced person. Life is about balance and there are many personality styles and situations where various comments come from. As such, there are many possible responses. Quite honestly, I have to wonder about those who think that all such comments and situations are an overt attack on your marriage.

You will do well.

Have a great day,

Perry

 

[Circe]

Jayson's Mom, a) it sucks that you're dealing with this, and, b) people insinuating that she's somehow "leading them on," or something, shame on you. That's the seed of the crap that leads prosecutors to ask what people were wearing under even less salubrious circumstances.

I get a bit of that sort of thing myself (more in a "one of the guys" way) and it's always a fine line between "ha ha ha, we're all kidding around" and, "no, really, dude, not happening." A little friendly banter is all well and good, but I ice it out the second it seems serious. Nothing you mention seems imminently dangerous, but I can definitely see being creeped out by any of them, much less all together.

I think you got some good suggested responses (MoZo, you actually made me snort my post-prandial beverage when I read "How can I miss you if you don't GO AWAY?"), but the best common denominator I've found for making it stop is the complete deadpan. If you giggle politely, for some reason some guys assume you're into it. If you say - even through gritted teeth - "Sure, Bob," they get the pleasure of either the cookie of your attention, or the joy of getting a rise out of you. A completely flat, "I don't understand. Why would I miss you. What do you mean?" tends to take the wind out of most guy's, uh, sails.

The two facebook dudes ... Perry, I think you're a good person and an optimist. I read that straight-up as poorly socialized people who wanted to be petted and told they're attractive. Who could be easier than their completely "taken" platonic lady-friend, because there's less chance they'll be taken seriously enough to require a real rejection?

FWIW, I also tell my husband all about this sort of stuff. Most sort of stuff, really. With flirty fellas, that's half because if it amuses me, I figure it'll amuse him, and half because if they bug me ... who better to sooth me? I can't imagine being in a relationship where I wouldn't. Thankfully, I haven't dated a jealous guy since my first boyfriend. Too high-maintenance ....

 

[movie zombie]

[quote="jaysonsmom|1393293249|3622358.......The coworker situations are tricky. I don't want them to think I'm 'overreacting' because I'm assuming they are hitting on me, what if they are really just interested in getting to know me via lunch, or making these comments as compliments, but being perceived as flirtatious (inappropriate) by me? I also have to see them everyday, and work together, so I don't want things to get awkward. I have made up my mind to tell off the one who asks me to lunch to stop asking because I'm a married woman who will not go out to eat with him one on one because don't think it is appropriate, but (thank God) this hasn't happened today![/quote]

I've been to lunch with married men when I was married and when I was single.
it was ALWAYS clear such as in "we're working on this project together so how about lunch on Friday to discuss x, y and/or z?"
or we'd already established that we were friends and friends only.

your assumption is that they are hitting on you and I think they are.
however, you are right: work makes it awkward but something along the lines of, "I'm glad you asked AGAIN because I'm really tired of you asking and I want to be clear here and now that I don't want you to ask again.....and I hope you respect my decision." no explanation necessary. if he says anything, just repeat. and say "I don't want to have to say it a third time....because a third time is going to make me think you're harassing me." if you have to get up and leave your office.

 

[braga123]

I think I'm a prude, and I'm not flattered by these comments. They make me uncomfortable. When I told dh, he blew a gasket and told me that I had to be a b&#@h and tell these guys off once and for all! Is he right? Are these behaviors harmless in your opinion? Should I shrug it off, or do something about it? Take action about the 2 guys at work?[/quote]


Why do you question how you feel? If you are indeed bothered, do not fear how you will appear in the eyes of these men who are making you feel that way. It doesn't matter how the rest of us feel because only you are in that room when these men make these comments, and only you can interpret their tone and intentions. My only advice is that if you address them directly and firmly, be prepared for their reaction and willing to deal with the consequences. Only you can weigh what bothers you more--doing something about it or not doing something about it. Easier said than done. Good luck.

 

[TooPatient]

[quote="jaysonsmom|1393293249|3622358.......The coworker situations are tricky. I don't want them to think I'm 'overreacting' because I'm assuming they are hitting on me, what if they are really just interested in getting to know me via lunch, or making these comments as compliments, but being perceived as flirtatious (inappropriate) by me? I also have to see them everyday, and work together, so I don't want things to get awkward. I have made up my mind to tell off the one who asks me to lunch to stop asking because I'm a married woman who will not go out to eat with him one on one because don't think it is appropriate, but (thank God) this hasn't happened today!

I've been to lunch with married men when I was married and when I was single.
it was ALWAYS clear such as in "we're working on this project together so how about lunch on Friday to discuss x, y and/or z?"
or we'd already established that we were friends and friends only.

your assumption is that they are hitting on you and I think they are.
however, you are right: work makes it awkward but something along the lines of, "I'm glad you asked AGAIN because I'm really tired of you asking and I want to be clear here and now that I don't want you to ask again.....and I hope you respect my decision." no explanation necessary. if he says anything, just repeat. and say "I don't want to have to say it a third time....because a third time is going to make me think you're harassing me." if you have to get up and leave your office.[/quote]


Pretty much agree with all here.

If you feel like they are then they probably are.

The only thing I'd suggest is that you do take the time to explain to the guy that you are married and as such choose to not have lunch (or coffee or whatever) alone with other men. That is not something that he can take wrong in any way -- it is direct, honest, clear about your feelings, and doesn't leave him thinking he can change your mind (or leave him with hurt feelings that you just don't like him even as a friend).

 

[HollyS]

There is a form of harmless, fun flirting which isn't really offensive. (Or maybe that's just in the South??)

There's one guy at church, married, who bear hugs me and gives me a kiss on the cheek every time we "pass the peace". Neither my DH nor his wife think a thing about it . . . because he does it to every lady in the congregation that he and his wife know well. Yeah, he's being a flirt, but I don't know anyone who objects.

Any flirting that is sexual in nature, and we all know when it has "crossed the line", is unacceptable. Any flirting that a partner (theirs or ours) would find unacceptable . . . IS unacceptable.

 

[partgypsy]

Wow this is timely. To be honest I don't get out much, having a ft job and 2 kids at home. after an event met up with my friend (divorced) and her "friend with benefits". I got to meet him, I got along with him, but he also knew I was married. Anyways toward the end he started making more and more provacative statements, but I just shrugged them off. Anyways we all got a ride together, and when I was getting out he got out too. And in giving me a hug he whispered in my ear "you are so fine" and seemed like he was going to say something else and I interrupted him and said something about my friend being so happy recently and he gave me this pissed off look and I walked away.
Anyways I felt kind of upset about it. I know they are not in a commited relationship but he should know I am.
I told my husband (he works as a bartender) and he says while some guys will not hit on a married woman (and vice versa) a lot of guys will and so he was not surprised.
So I guess if you are out as a woman and not with your husband, many guys see you as fair game.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Funny how you dug this thread up Part Gypsy....something happened to me this past weekend too. But first, to address your divorced friend's "Friend with benefits", he sounds like total scum, and I'd tell your friend about him making passes at you before she starts having real feelings for the guy!

Anyway, the FB guy that I unfriended a couple weeks ago is still able to message me, ....I don't know how, I'm not very tech savvy. He Private messaged me 2x this weekend...1X asked what he did to deserve getting unfriended? IF he offended me, He said he's sorry. 2nd message was: "Friends again?"

I did not respond to either message. Now I need to figure out how to block the guy from contacting me for good.

As for the guy at work which was my #1 pain in the side.....I think he finally got the message. I don't talk to him, or respond to anything he offers me, like oranges, or other fruit?!?!?! I just politely say no thanks! and walk away. He does not come to my office to chat or offer me things anymore, we work strictly through e-mail interaction.

 

[junebug17]

Thanks for the update jaysonsmom, I'm glad these guys are getting the message! Wish I could help you out with the private message thing, I'm sure someone here knows how to do it and there must be a way to do it - otherwise what's the point of unfriending a person?

So glad the guy at work has backed off - it must be such a pleasure not to have to deal with his annoying remarks and behavior!

 

[partgypsy]

I think you did the right thing. There is some setting on FB where people can't see you, but I don't know more. and a guy who is upset about being unfriended? Taking it too seriously.

It's sad that you can't just be friendly with guys or just be nice without it being seen as some sort of open invitation. Being married I assumed I didn't have to deal with that, but I guess I'm wrong.
It's unfortunate because in general I get along with guys better than most women, maybe because I'm into obscure pbs shows, science fiction, comics and less into gossip and most of my friends in HS were guys, so to me it is too bad.

Try this
How do I block someone?.

To block someone:
1.Click at the top right of any Facebook page.
2.Click How do I stop someone from bothering me?
3.Enter the name or email address of the person you want to block and click Block.
4.If you entered a name, select the specific person you want to block from the list that appears.

People will not be notified when you block them.

If you can’t find someone using this method, try going to the person’s Timeline and selecting Report/Block This Person from the dropdown.

If you still can't find the person you want to block, it’s possible that this person no longer uses Facebook or has restricted their privacy settings. Keep in mind that you can control the audience of stuff you share.