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How to comfort someone who is grieving?

justginger

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May 11, 2009
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I've never had someone who is close to me lose anyone other than a grandparent. I just don't know what to do or say for my brother, now that I've returned to Perth.

While I was there, I took care of the household completely. Organized food, dealt with the mail, helped the kids, did research for a number of issues and professionals, set up appointments, spoke on his behalf in person and on the phone. It was, and is, a very messy situation - financially and emotionally (take these two issues and read between the lines, if you will). The way I coped was by approaching everything very objectively - I couldn't fix what was really wrong, so I spent my time handling everything else, the things I could organize, learn, research, and fix.

But now he's alone, a newly widowed father of two, and he's just floundering. Is that what has to happen? I feel like there's nothing I can do to ease his burden. He's hurting like I've never seen and I feel powerless to do anything of substance. There are only so many emails you can send that say, "I'm thinking about you, and love you."

Advice? Anyone have experience with helping someone drowning in grief?

;( ;( ;(
 

kenny

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Just be there for them and listen.
Certainly respond to what they say but only with about 10% of what you really want to say.
Resist saying much of what you come up with.
This time is all about them.

Time will do more for them than anything you or I can do.

It's like a person suffering from a color or flu virus for which there is no cure.
You want to speed things up and find a quick cure ... but all you can do is make them a bit more comfortable while nature takes its course.
 

momhappy

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How old are the kids? Would he consider hiring someone to help with the home (childcare, cooking, cleaning, etc.)? You could help organize and/or help financially if possible. As far as the actual grieving process, there's not much anyone can do. Only the passing of time will likely make it better. Certainly having love & support helps. Can you make additional visits? Does he have any other local friends or family that might be able to help him?
 

TooPatient

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kenny|1391986700|3611604 said:
Just be there for them and listen.
Certainly respond to what they say but only with about 10% of what you really want to say.
Resist saying much of what you come up with.
This time is all about them.

Time will do more for them than anything you or I can do.

It's like a person suffering from a color or flu virus for which there is no cure.
You want to speed things up and find a quick cure ... but all you can do is make them a bit more comfortable while nature takes its course.


This. Every last word is exactly right.


Listen to what he says. Don't push solutions at him when all he wants is someone to listen. He has to go through the pain while he and his kids adjust to their new lives. There are LOTS of people saying "all the right things" and offering "helpful advice" -- don't be one of them. Just listen.

If there is something he is really struggling with let him struggle. If it is something his wife used to do and he really seems lost then you might point him to a resource (like meal planning charts or whatever) but then back up and let him have space. This is his time to find himself. You can't do that for him.
 

justginger

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Joined
May 11, 2009
Messages
3,712
TooPatient|1391988421|3611622 said:
kenny|1391986700|3611604 said:
Just be there for them and listen.
Certainly respond to what they say but only with about 10% of what you really want to say.
Resist saying much of what you come up with.
This time is all about them.

Time will do more for them than anything you or I can do.

It's like a person suffering from a color or flu virus for which there is no cure.
You want to speed things up and find a quick cure ... but all you can do is make them a bit more comfortable while nature takes its course.


This. Every last word is exactly right.


Listen to what he says. Don't push solutions at him when all he wants is someone to listen. He has to go through the pain while he and his kids adjust to their new lives. There are LOTS of people saying "all the right things" and offering "helpful advice" -- don't be one of them. Just listen.

If there is something he is really struggling with let him struggle. If it is something his wife used to do and he really seems lost then you might point him to a resource (like meal planning charts or whatever) but then back up and let him have space. This is his time to find himself. You can't do that for him.

This is exactly what I was afraid of. I am a 'fixer' and this is no situation for the likes of me. My talents were very handy with the logistical matters that needed attending to, but when it comes to grief, I think I do it all wrong. :nono:

I'm emailing him a couple of times each day - he used to call her and chat 3-4 times every day, so I know he misses that. I just want to make sure he knows that I'm paying attention, so I've responded every time he writes.

My upcoming year of uni makes it almost impossible to plan for a return trip and I know he's really missing having me there for company. I go back to class in 3 weeks and have a normal study semester, but come June, instead of a mid-sem break, I'll be starting a year of practical placement. Each student's schedule is different based in exactly where you will be working for your 4x 7-week placements...and allegedly the schedules are never finalized until a week or two before each placement starts. He and I discussed having a small trip to the beach, as something to look forward to, but I have no idea how we can plan it.

I appreciate the opinions, and help. This has been quite a learning curve.
 

KaeKae

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May 27, 2009
Messages
2,390
I'm so sorry, JG, this is so very difficult. My heart goes out to your brother, his children, and you as well.

My mom died when my brother and I were 11 and 13. To be honest, a lot of that time is a blur to me. Looking back, I imagine it was about getting through one day to the next. One thing I do remember was my father got involved in a couple support groups. One was called Parents Without Partners, and I think the other was Single Again. He must have found them helpful, or he never would have continued to go. I'm thinking that you or your brother could look into something similar. If he's not sure where to look, maybe his (or really, any) church would know about local groups. The councilor at the children's school might have information as well.

And, speaking of the kids, one thing we didn't do, but as an adult, I wish we did, was find a similar group for my brother and me. We never had one minute of counseling, not even in school. I suppose that just wasn't available in 1979. I realized as an adult that I sort of did that for myself, by gravitating to the two girls in my class, who had lost their dads while in elementary school. Or maybe they sought me out, I don't know, but we were a good resource for each other, even if we didn't know it at the time.

In the meantime, I'd say keep your contact with them regular. For a couple years, at least. I've always heard that the first months, people remember to keep in contact, then it tapers off, for fear of being a pest, but I don't think that's possible with most people. I think you are on the opposite side of the world? That will make it harder, but even a daily email or text would make a difference, I would think, when phone calls just won't work.

I just want to add that what you did while there sounds perfect.
 

yennyfire

Ideal_Rock
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Kenny's advice is spot on (I wish it wasn't and that there was some concrete thing you could do to ease your brother's pain, but there just isn't)....

I do think finding a support group both for him and the kids (assuming they are old enough to participate in such a group) is a good thing. You can't force them to go, but at least make your brother aware that it's out there and available to him. If there's a way you could arrange childcare so that he could go (if he can't go while the kids are in school), I'm sure that would ease that burden....just so he knows that if he should want to attend, there are people who will take care of the kids....

Sending hugs to you, your brother and his children....my heart is breaking for them!
 

justginger

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Joined
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Messages
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KaeKae|1391989765|3611638 said:
I'm so sorry, JG, this is so very difficult. My heart goes out to your brother, his children, and you as well.

My mom died when my brother and I were 11 and 13. To be honest, a lot of that time is a blur to me. Looking back, I imagine it was about getting through one day to the next. One thing I do remember was my father got involved in a couple support groups. One was called Parents Without Partners, and I think the other was Single Again. He must have found them helpful, or he never would have continued to go. I'm thinking that you or your brother could look into something similar. If he's not sure where to look, maybe his (or really, any) church would know about local groups. The councilor at the children's school might have information as well.

And, speaking of the kids, one thing we didn't do, but as an adult, I wish we did, was find a similar group for my brother and me. We never had one minute of counseling, not even in school. I suppose that just wasn't available in 1979. I realized as an adult that I sort of did that for myself, by gravitating to the two girls in my class, who had lost their dads while in elementary school. Or maybe they sought me out, I don't know, but we were a good resource for each other, even if we didn't know it at the time.

In the meantime, I'd say keep your contact with them regular. For a couple years, at least. I've always heard that the first months, people remember to keep in contact, then it tapers off, for fear of being a pest, but I don't think that's possible with most people. I think you are on the opposite side of the world? That will make it harder, but even a daily email or text would make a difference, I would think, when phone calls just won't work.

I just want to add that what you did while there sounds perfect.

I'm sorry this is a situation you have been through, KaeKae. My nephews are turning the same ages as you and your brother were in the next couple of months. They have already started weekly appts with a psychiatrist, both solo and as a family, so that is something I feel good about. Hopefully he will teach them some tools for handling their emotions.

A support group for my brother might be a very good idea. He has a wonderful church community, but no one there has been through this (or he would have mentioned it - he did say one couple's 19 year old son committed suicide a few months ago, sadly). All I want for him is to be able to see that, no matter how distant, there is a tiny speck of light at the end of the tunnel and he WILL eventually get there. Hearing from others who have walked that exact path may be a way for him to see that. I feel like right now he can't even see his hand in front of his face. It's that bad.

But then again, I don't want to be a pushy fixer, like the others have recommended above. 'Helping' seems to be walking a fine line.
 

JewelFreak

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Joined
Sep 3, 2009
Messages
7,768
Listen. That's all you can offer at this point, as Kenny says. Nothing, absolutely nothing, you can say will make it better -- except that you care & are there when he needs you. Eventually other things may be possible, but right now it's an open wound that needs time to begin healing.

My father died when I was a teenager, too, and more than a few decades later I still can feel that agony. The worst thing people did was give advice. Or try to cheer us up. At first, it's all anyone can do to remember to take one breath after the last one.

You were wonderful to put practical things in order while you could. Now, he has to begin taking baby steps. He will, as soon as he's able to focus -- and his children will help him do that.

It's about him now. Be as available as you possibly can for the next year -- the 1st year is the hardest & most people fade away once the immediate situation is over. Hang in, give suggestions if he asks -- but gently, and only once. He needs to find his own way through the fog. And oh, gosh, it's so hard. You're a loving sister & he's lucky to have you.

--- Laurie
 

missy

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53,979
Ginger, I am so sorry for all your family is going through and my heart goes out to you. Doing all you did while you were there was perfect. Taking care of all those matters for your brother was exactly what he needed while you were there and now as everyone here has said all you can do and need to do is be there for him when he needs/wants to talk. If he asks for something specific by all means do it but other than him asking all you need to do is listen and be a shoulder to cry on. And I ditto those who have suggested counseling for him and the children as being a valuable resource to help him through. Time will help but ofc nothing will fully heal his pain but it will be dulled over time and he will be able to move forward. (((Hugs))) to all of you.
 

minousbijoux

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I'm wondering if you could check in with him via skype or phone every few days or so? Any way to be there for him just as a check in and say "How's it going?" "How was today for you?" "How are the boys?" "What are you thinking these days?" or whatever other questions might get him talking. Then you just listen. No solutions, no fixes, just listen. It is a really, really hard thing to do, and just takes practice. If he asks something and there's a concrete answer you can give, by all means do so, but if he says something like "it just feels so hard," responding with something like "I bet it does" is so affirming and validating rather than saying "what about support groups?" or "are you praying?" or "be strong." Don't get me wrong, there is a place for those too, but right now, I bet more than anything else, he just needs a safe haven to let it out - to be able to say "I don't understand what happened" or "I'm so scared." As great as they are, recommendations often read as yet more things to do when you're already feeling overwhelmed.

I am sending you more hugs and hugely positively charged thoughts so you can share them with your brother. You are such a good sister.
 

Polished

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1,160
I think patience is a good quality to have with someone who is grieving. A big part of grieving to me is the need to go over the same feelings and thoughts again and again. If you can gently be part of that empathy, that being understood, that so helps people in the slow process of healing. Personally I don't think you "get over" loved ones who have died, nor do you need to. It seems more a case of gradually over time life shifts. I do agree with momhappy that someone to help provide a bit of structure for the boys might be helpful. I had a friend who was widowed early with four young children to take care of. One of her daughters said to her, "Mum WHAT is going to happen to us?", she replied with, "Cass you have a very strong mother". She was feeling anything but, but she knew what her children were needing was reassurance.
 

Okie_girl

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Some thoughts from the perspective of someone who unexpectedly lost a longtime partner:

Right now, I would imagine your brother is still completely numb, and doesn't really know what hit him. It's a lot to take in at once, and often, our psyches just won't let that happen. It will take time for the shock to wear off.

For me, the first year was in large part about how to meet my basic needs. Everything in my life had changed, and I had to figure out how to take care of myself all over again. Each season brought new challenges - figuring out what needed to be done and when it needed to be done. Don't be surprised if the changes in season set him back a little.

Listen to him. Really listen. As others have said, don't offer too much advice, unless he asks for it. Validate his feelings, even if they seem irrational. They may be irrational, but they are his feelings.

There are tons of online support groups, they can be very helpful in the middle of a long night.

Keep up the contact, as much as you can, and however you can. In the beginning, there will be tons of people around. But, day by day, little by little, they will go back to their own lives. That's when the reality really starts to set in.

Truth is, it is just a painful process. I'm not going to say time heals all wounds, because I don't believe that to be true, but I will say that time does take the edge off of the rawness. As Polished said, you don't get over it, but you do eventually learn a "new normal."

My thoughts are with you, your brother and your nephews.
 

momhappy

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Messages
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justginger|1391990419|3611642 said:
KaeKae|1391989765|3611638 said:
I'm so sorry, JG, this is so very difficult. My heart goes out to your brother, his children, and you as well.

My mom died when my brother and I were 11 and 13. To be honest, a lot of that time is a blur to me. Looking back, I imagine it was about getting through one day to the next. One thing I do remember was my father got involved in a couple support groups. One was called Parents Without Partners, and I think the other was Single Again. He must have found them helpful, or he never would have continued to go. I'm thinking that you or your brother could look into something similar. If he's not sure where to look, maybe his (or really, any) church would know about local groups. The councilor at the children's school might have information as well.

And, speaking of the kids, one thing we didn't do, but as an adult, I wish we did, was find a similar group for my brother and me. We never had one minute of counseling, not even in school. I suppose that just wasn't available in 1979. I realized as an adult that I sort of did that for myself, by gravitating to the two girls in my class, who had lost their dads while in elementary school. Or maybe they sought me out, I don't know, but we were a good resource for each other, even if we didn't know it at the time.

In the meantime, I'd say keep your contact with them regular. For a couple years, at least. I've always heard that the first months, people remember to keep in contact, then it tapers off, for fear of being a pest, but I don't think that's possible with most people. I think you are on the opposite side of the world? That will make it harder, but even a daily email or text would make a difference, I would think, when phone calls just won't work.

I just want to add that what you did while there sounds perfect.

I'm sorry this is a situation you have been through, KaeKae. My nephews are turning the same ages as you and your brother were in the next couple of months. They have already started weekly appts with a psychiatrist, both solo and as a family, so that is something I feel good about. Hopefully he will teach them some tools for handling their emotions.

A support group for my brother might be a very good idea. He has a wonderful church community, but no one there has been through this (or he would have mentioned it - he did say one couple's 19 year old son committed suicide a few months ago, sadly). All I want for him is to be able to see that, no matter how distant, there is a tiny speck of light at the end of the tunnel and he WILL eventually get there. Hearing from others who have walked that exact path may be a way for him to see that. I feel like right now he can't even see his hand in front of his face. It's that bad.

But then again, I don't want to be a pushy fixer, like the others have recommended above. 'Helping' seems to be walking a fine line.

In a situation where there are children and a household involved, it's okay to be somewhat of a fixer. Those kids needs some sort of structure in their lives. If your brother is really floundering then I think that he needs more than simply someone to listen (although, that's an important job too). If I had nieces/nephews involved, you can bet I'd be trying to find ways to help make their lives a little better.
 

Snicklefritz

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Joined
Jan 28, 2009
Messages
1,552
This is a hard spot to be in, ginger. I imagine you feel helpless and ineffective in many ways, but that is a very normal part of helping someone cope with overwhelming grief. Try not to criticize yourself. You're a fantastic sister, and it's clear you care deeply for your brother and family. You've gotten a lot of good advice as far as listening, helping to "fix" whatever practical problems you're able to, and about the healing presence of time.

There are other resources to help people cope with loss if you think your brother might be interested. I used to work at a crisis line that answered hundreds of lines for numerous crisis centers and counseling agencies throughout the US. One of the lines I answered from time to time was the Dignity Memorial Grief Counseling hotline. My job was the listen, normalize what callers were feeling, and validate that it takes time to feel better. I spoke with some people who had a hard time getting out of bed because their grief was so debilitating. Some people who lost spouses, and who also had children to care for, felt like a poor substitutes to their children, and like they couldn't do the job their spouse did of mothering or fathering their children. Often people who'd been grieving for a year or more would acknowledge that things were better but they felt guilty about feeling better. But when we talked a bit more, they'd also realize their loved ones would want them to be happy, to enjoy life, and not feel guilty. It really is a process. The stages of grief are a real thing, and people will jump around from one stage to the next. It's not always linear.

Here is some info on grieving from the dignity memorial website. http://www.dignitymemorial.com/en-us/community/guidance-series.page
There are a lot of other resources on the site. Might be worth looking at if your think your brother could use some additional support.
 

pregcurious

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Joined
Mar 18, 2009
Messages
6,724
justginger|1391986367|3611596 said:
While I was there, I took care of the household completely...

But now he's alone, a newly widowed father of two, and he's just floundering. Is that what has to happen? (

You did the right thing by focusing on things you could do to give him room to deal with the emotional impact.

Yes, I think his floundering is normal. My parents both died the same year, and I believe my father died because he could not take the pain of my mother dying. My mother was diagosed unexpectedly with a fatal illness, and she survived for 2 years. Two months before my first child was born, she died. My father died a few months afterwards, after years of chronic illness. I think my mother dying was too much for him.

For myself, when my father died, I broke down. My husband just started doing things for me. He took over as the executer of the estate, he opened all the mail addressed to my parents, etc, things I just could not emotionally handle. My experience has been that time heals the searing pain, but does not take away the pain in general. I miss my parents every single day, even though they passed away 5 years ago. Even writing this brings tears to my eyes.

Can you take a year off? I know it sounds drastic, but if he has no one else to help him, it is a desperate situation. You could help him transition to being a single parent. (I agree with the other posters to hire help; as the parent of 2 children myself, I would hire out all the house cleaning, cooking, etc as I could afford, and focus on counseling my children.) When my mother was ill, my husband and I took her in, and it affected my career (I was in the training period for my research career), but I don't regret it at all. It changed my career, but her death changed my life more.

It's just something to think about. I pray that your brother and his family reaches a point where they are at peace. I personally feel pain, but I am over the other stages of mourning (denial, anger etc), so I am at a peacful place.
 
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