Heartbreak

[Burke]

I took everyone's advice and wrote down a list of all the bad things, to read when I start feeling weak again. I think picking up some extra shifts at work is a good idea, it will keep me busy and keep me from feeling lonely and reaching out to him. I start back to school for my master's degree to be a nurse practitioner in May, so that will keep me busy as well. I just kept thinking that maybe my expectations for appropriate behavior were wrong, but I'm glad to hear that everyone else agrees that he shouldn't be talking to others and putting effort into anyone else besides me. I kept thinking it would change if we got married, because that's what he always told me, but that was just wishful thinking and me being afraid of being alone. I keep re-reading everyones responses when I start feeling sad and lonely again, and it definitely helps. I think volunteering may also be a good idea to get out and meet people while giving back, and there is a free clinic here in town that I am going to check into helping out at. Thanks again for the affirmations that I deserve something better than what he was offering, I knew it all along, but it took me a long time to figure it out. Unfortunately, it doesn't make the hurt any better, but I know it will in time.

 

[Niel]

oh gosh. that sucks.

Ive been in that situation. Its hard for me to think about because it devastated a lot of my life.

I can only tell you what I did. Lean on people you love. Your mom or a sister or something. Maybe a best friend? Someone who wont get mad that you are down and moping ( which from my experience some people will )
Give it a few months to really adjust, then get out and try to find new things. not necessarily a man, but maybe new friends, an new hobby, or a new look for yourself.

oh and Watch 500 days of summer lol. I swear it helps!

(hugs!!)

Youre probably just going to be sad for a while, and thats hard, but its just something youll have to go through to be able to move past it.

 

[Meezermom]

"He said that only his wife gets the courtesy of him not flirting with other women, and we aren't married." WOW is that disrespectful to you and your relationship you had with him. I totally agree with the others - you so dodged a bullet. .

Take it one day at a time, stay active and remember that with time, the pain does lessen. Most of us have been where you are. After ten years of marriage, my first husband left me and our two year old son for a married woman he met at work. He left me, she left her husband and then three years later, he left her.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

{{{{hugs}}}} Nothing more to add as you have received great advice, but I strongly believe you will be better off in the long run.

 

[Indylady]

Lots and lots of hugs and well wishes. You will get through it, and come out stronger--standing up for yourself was absolutely the right, and smartest, thing you could have done.

 

[pregcurious]

But he has this way of making me feel bad, like it really was my fault, and I should have just been quiet about what I found so I wouldn't be hurting like I am right now.

If you find that someone does this to you frequently, it's basically a form of emotional blackmail. I find that those who are unwilling to take responsibility for their actions do crappy things, then when others get offended, they act like others are wrong to be offended. I've had to deal with a family member like this, and I find this kind of manipulation disgusting. I'm glad for you that you're out of that relationship. Someone who cares about you will not invalidate your feelings, or blame you for their crappy behavior.

 

[gem_anemone]

It is a mistake for anyone to think that "things will change after marriage". A few things are slightly different and need getting used to and some compromises will be made on some things, however, for the most part, whomever you marry is the same person he or she was before you married them. I mean to say that if he was doing something inappropriate in the relationship before marriage, he is likely continue to do the same inappropriate things after marriage regardless of what he says. People don't change overnight.

Much luck and hugs to you through this tough time.

 

[Burke]

Today has been hard. The hardest day so far. Sometimes I cry so much, I'm not sure how I can possibly move past this. Everyone went to work today, so it was my first day being alone at my house all day, and I didn't realize how hard it would be. I keep reeading everyone's posts and trying to remember that it does get easier and I'm better off, but it sure doesn't feel like that right now

 

[Snicklefritz]

Hang in there, Burke! After reading your posts, I can tell you're a very insightful person, and it's fantastic you reached out to the forum for support. As other have said, I think what you're feeling is normal. So it's ok to give yourself time to grieve the loss for what you thought he was/would be and what you had planned for your future. Those are big dreams that aren't easy to simply let go. And when you feel ready, then you can start to think of new dreams for your future. I've had to do this a time or two myself. Be gentle with yourself. Hugs!!

 

[movie zombie]

of course it doesn't feel like that right now!
you're a nurse.
think of this way.
you've been cut and been to the emergency room for stiches.
think of pricescope as the emergency room AND outpatient clinic.......which you can continue to access.
but the reality is that you've been cut and it will take time for the tissues at many levels to heal.
all you can feel right now is the pain.
but day by day that cut will heal.
and day by day you will feel better.
however, for every two days you feel better there is a day when it is going to feel really bad.
but you as a nurse know that cuts heal.
they scab over.
we try and not pick at it and reopen it [this is now your job as regards your now ex-].\
and you don't want to remove the stitches until the healing is done.
you'll find yourself going through all the stages of grief. one day you'll be Angry!
first with him for treating you so....and then with yourself for putting up with it.
and one day you'll feel regret that it didn't work out but you'll know it was for the best....the best for you.
life will go on. your cut and your heart will have healed...perhaps a bit scarred/wiser.
you'll look into yourself and examine what attracted you to him but more importantly why you stayed with him.
and then you will really able to move on and hopefully won't make the same choice to get involved with such a douche [yes, I think he's a douche; I think all SO's that mistreat pricescopers are douches!] again.
then one day when you least expect it you'll meet Mr Right.
and because you went through all this you will be Ms Right.
remember: you are strong and you will be stronger.

 

[ooo~Shiney!]

Today has been hard. The hardest day so far. Sometimes I cry so much, I'm not sure how I can possibly move past this. Everyone went to work today, so it was my first day being alone at my house all day, and I didn't realize how hard it would be. I keep reeading everyone's posts and trying to remember that it does get easier and I'm better off, but it sure doesn't feel like that right now:(

That's ok Honey, it will be all right.
Promise.

Give "yourself" plenty of love, now.
Be gentle with yourself, if you need to cry do it !
You need to give yourself time to be sad and let it out.

At some point, it is going to get better.
Baby steps.
Maybe not by tomorrow, but it will get better.
You have some great ideas, you are a lovely and important woman who is strong enough to get through this and come out better for it.
And you will.

 

[Munchkin]

Ung Roy Ung Foy Ung Loy

I am also a Burke. In fact, that's what we named our child as I am the last Burke of an all female generation and wholly refused to let the name die.

1) We are made of sterner stuff than we appear

2) Though she be but little, she is fierce ~ Shakespeare

What am I rambling about? Your core is tough, your mind is smart, your heart is just so broken it is holding back your true spirit. For now, feel the hurt. Experience the pain so that, 6 months from now you have learned that you will never tolerate that kind of pain again. Feel free to wallow. However, force yourself to get out one day a week. Seek out coworkers, go to a museum alone, anything. Force yourself to get out 1 day a week. After a few weeks, increase that to 2 days. (Even the library counts!)

What NP specialty are you starting? Can you use your interactions as an RN to shadow in interesting areas? For example, as an RN student with plans to be a PNP, I talked my way into the OR of a child undergoing total colectomy for familial polyposis. It further motivated me to work toward my eventual goal of sub specializing in pedi GI. I've been a PNP for 8 years now and still think of that procedure as a formative moment.

Is your NP part time? On line? On campus? You will find more than half of your classmates are in the midst of dramatic life change. So often people turn to NP programs as a second career after an epiphany. They tend to be really interesting, wise people. Seek out their company. Embrace those bonds.

Anytime you feel a strong tug to call him, get in your car and get lost, literally. Drive somewhere new and impress yourself with your ability to find your own way home be it via phone, map, whatever. By then, you are less likely to need his conversation.

Work an extra shift and earmark your overtime money for an item you've desired. (Right hand ring, dress, house, whatever, it's YOURS)

The best advice (strange as it may seem!) enroll in a few weeks (or more) of a martial arts in a school with many other women. I suffered from a lifetime of self-doubt and desire to have others like me and never rock the boat. I found my independent strength in the dojo. In a school where students high-fived and congratulated each other at the end of a grueling class, I found a second family that wanted to build me up physically, emotionally and mentally. It might not be for you, but a few week commitment is worth a try, right?

Excuse my language (somewhere my mother is clutching her strand of pearls in horror) but your ex's theory of acceptable behavior with a girlfriend vs a wife is d-----y) He wouldn't have changed, he would have just found a another compelling argument to defend inappropriate behavior. You dodged a bullet, and someday, you will have the perspective to see that.

Good luck. You are worth the work.

 

[allycat0303]

Hi Burke,

I once read that a breakup is something akin to a death (in terms of the same emotions). When my sister got divorced, she was heartbroken. Basically we made a schedule where she had something planned for every single hour of the day. Even if it was little things like "Go get a coffee at 11:00" it helped her keep going on. I think we never thought she would EVER get married. She turned 31, and she met a guy at salsa class, and 1.5 years later, the wedding is next week! And he suits her perfectly, makes her a better person, and is a jewel.

Try to stay busy, and remember that if not this one, only someone better.