dealing with family you don't get along with

[chemgirl]

Its that time of year again. Time for getting together with family. Unfortunately my in-laws are my least favorite people on the planet and I have to see them today. Any advice for dealing with in-laws over Christmas?

Backstory is that FIL is definitely a narcissist and his wife I'd an alcoholic. We were supposed to have dinner with them this past weekend but we had a crazy ice storm that took out power to most of our area and closed major highways. We lost trees that just collapsed due to the weight of the ice. Not a day for driving 2 hours for dinner. When we called to tell them we couldn't make it all we got was a rant about how we were supposed to bring the stuffing so we have to come or else dinner will be ruined. Um no power so how am I going to make stuffing? And that's your biggest concern here?

Just have to remember to breath lol.

 

[JewelFreak]

Breathe is right. Breathe deeply. And while you're there, remind yourself you're going home soon; picture yourself at home, without them. That's what I always did -- I could barely stand to be in the same room w/my MIL. While there, I made myself pretend she was ok in order to be polite. Back at my house, patted myself on the back for surviving one more visit. You do it for your DH & have to forget about yourself for a few hrs.

Good luck!

--- Laurie

 

[Kunzite]

chemgirl, did you ever read Toxic In-Laws? I remember it was recommended last time. My answer is an easy one, you don't see them.

 

[missy]

chemgirl, did you ever read Toxic In-Laws? I remember it was recommended last time. My answer is an easy one, you don't see them.

Yes, I agree with this. I didn't read that book but when my MIL and my dh's brother and SIL were being toxic to me we just didn't visit them and didn't have them visit us. We went a few years with no contact and over that time they realized they better start behaving better if they wanted a relationship with my dh (and me). Fast forward to now and with the exception of my SIL (my dh's brother's wife) we have a decent relationship and see each other a few times a year. I no longer suffer any angst and the relationship is healthy. In fact we are traveling to see my MIL today and I am actually looking forward to it. 15 years ago that was most definitely not the case.

If your in-laws don't treat you with respect and kindness there is no reason to see them and subject yourself to that kind of stress. And your dh should be backing you up here. If you guys never read Gottman's book on marriage I highly recommend it. Amazing book and really helped us through the trials and tribulations of not so wonderful in-laws.

Good luck chemgirl. I still remember how awful that unpleasant in-law stress is so sending you hugs and strength to not allow them to treat you poorly.

 

[SB621]

I can't sever all contact because I want my children to know their grandparents (don't need to have a relationship but at least know them). However we have a pretty strict rule that if we (Dh and I) don't like what is going on we stop it or we leave. Conversation getting toxic, anyone being negative or just bad moojo. My parents/ in laws or whoever hate it but it keeps them in check.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

My DH and I keep it simple with his Mother, we only see her about once a year. On Christmas day. He talks to her occasionally but mostly he just has very little to do with her and if she tries her passive aggressive crap he hangs up on her. Fine with me

 

[Indylady]

An adult beverage and the knowledge that the encounter will come to an end soon.

 

[JewelFreak]

I can't sever all contact because I want my children to know their grandparents

This is something to consider. It depends on the extent of hostility from them. Every family is different. My MIL never said anything nice about anyone she wasn't related to by blood, always denigrated neighbors, co-workers, even her other DIL who was incredibly thoughtful of her, and of course, me. Mostly, though, in small comments here & there -- she didn't harangue, argue, or speak sharply. Mostly I think she was just stupid & without inner class.

DH was fond of his parents, even though he saw their faults. He backed me up when I asked him to, but I did not feel I had the right to separate him from them. Besides, as the American wife who "took her son away," I would have proved her point & given her too much satisfaction. There are situations where, for the sake of the family, DILs or SILs have to suck it up & give. Often I was "busy" & he went to see them alone, but when it was unavoidable, I went & behaved better than she did. I was never ever rude, always pleasant if not warm. That, to me, was enough victory.

If in-laws are a true nightmare, separation is necessary for sanity. Many, however, fall into a gray area, and in those we often win more by giving more. My MIL died several years ago; I felt no sadness & have no regrets.

--- Laurie

 

[lyra]

Smile, breathe and recite the alphabet in your head frontwards then backwards, or sing songs in your head. Drink with caution--you may lose your inhibitions and say what you actually think. Don't give them ammunition. Agree with everything they say. Or just smile and nod.

 

[SignedMe]

Not for nothing, but I've been there...and I feel your pain. It's the worst. But, I will say, it does get better. For me, it came when I just paused and really looked at the situation for what it was. The things that have happened in the past still bother me because they shouldn't have happened and they didn't need to happen, but they did and nothing I could ever do would change that...so, I move on. I show up, I do the right thing, I'm true to my beliefs and how I was raised, sometimes I smile and nod, other times I make myself scarce. It all just depends. I look them in the eye when they're trying to be slyly mean and I shrug it off because, while I cannot control the things they do, I CAN control how I respond to them and more often then not, that's more than enough for me.

So go, have dinner, be yourself...and remember, their problems are their problems, not yours. You're married to best thing they ever did.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Assuming of course they are garden variety annoying and not toxic...

Smile and be polite and imagine you are an anthropologist observing a particularly different and facinating culture! You don't engage, you observe, be polite, and you go with the flow.

To the specific example of the stuffing.. I would stay home and have a nice night in with my hubby They can get STUFFED.

Get it? Stuffing... stuffed... I am so hilarious.

 

[gem_anemone]

Probably not helpful to you, but this year for the first year ever in my life I avoided visiting with family that I don't really like. I realize the family you don't like are your in-laws, so it's harder to do that if your DH would like to see them. However, my family was the family I avoided and DH doesn't like them either, so it was easier to do.

There is much to dislike about some of my family members and frankly I don't ever talk to them outside of Christmas, so I chose to visit with my grandparents on a separate day and avoid Christmas with the lot of them. It was the best Christmas ever!!!!

 

[JewelFreak]

Not for nothing, but I've been there...and I feel your pain. It's the worst. But, I will say, it does get better. For me, it came when I just paused and really looked at the situation for what it was. The things that have happened in the past still bother me because they shouldn't have happened and they didn't need to happen, but they did and nothing I could ever do would change that...so, I move on. I show up, I do the right thing, I'm true to my beliefs and how I was raised, sometimes I smile and nod, other times I make myself scarce. It all just depends. I look them in the eye when they're trying to be slyly mean and I shrug it off because, while I cannot control the things they do, I CAN control how I respond to them and more often then not, that's more than enough for me.

So go, have dinner, be yourself...and remember, their problems are their problems, not yours. You're married to best thing they ever did.

Beautiful!! Grown-up way to deal with it & very well put.

--- Laurie

 

[JewelFreak]

Not for nothing, but I've been there...and I feel your pain. It's the worst. But, I will say, it does get better. For me, it came when I just paused and really looked at the situation for what it was. The things that have happened in the past still bother me because they shouldn't have happened and they didn't need to happen, but they did and nothing I could ever do would change that...so, I move on. I show up, I do the right thing, I'm true to my beliefs and how I was raised, sometimes I smile and nod, other times I make myself scarce. It all just depends. I look them in the eye when they're trying to be slyly mean and I shrug it off because, while I cannot control the things they do, I CAN control how I respond to them and more often then not, that's more than enough for me.

So go, have dinner, be yourself...and remember, their problems are their problems, not yours. You're married to best thing they ever did.

Beautiful!! Grown-up way to deal with it & very well put. It's not a fun situation but there are much worse things in life.

--- Laurie