Christmas Day Confusion

[kmarla]

DH and I usually host the whole extended family Christmas Day but we've had a difficult year for various health reasons and just weren't up to hosting this Christmas. Since no one else volunteered to host, we'll be having a quiet Christmas with our 2 DD's and their SO's. Our older daughter and SO confirmed they'd spend Christmas Day with us and as recently as a week ago I was talking to her about the plans for the day. Well tonight she tells us that they'll come by in the morning to exchange gifts but have to head out early to be at SO's family 3 hours away for dinner. DH and I were upset and very confused. When challenged about her promise to spend the day with us she said that in her mind spending the day didn't include dinner??? I told her it felt like she was bailing on us and it was hurtful. She said that accusing her of bailing hurt her feelings and we left it at that for now. If she wanted to spend Christmas at her SO's family why didn't she tell us before? So now my younger adopted daughter is saying that if her sister isn't there then she want's to go to her birth mother's instead since there'll be a lot more people....more fun. I'm really upset right now and have a couple of questions. What does spending Christmas Day with someone mean to you? Does it include supper? And next question is how do we move on and get past this? DD will be out of town until early Jan so we can't reschedule. We've always been very close and this is out of character

 

[kmarla]

Okay, I'm feeling really regretful about posting. Clearly I was having a little pity party in the wee hours and feeling hurt. I don't know how this will all resolve but I'm sure things will work themselves out and we'll have a good Christmas!

 

[daydream believer]

Hi kmarla,

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt :hug: I felt compelled to come out of extreme lurk-dom to share some support and a few thoughts.

As a twenty-something with a serious boyfriend, I can relate a little to your daughter's situation and I hope you're not taking it too personally. This is kind of an awkward phase of life where I'm still very tied to my family and our long-held traditions, while trying to embrace my SO's family and future traditions. I know from experience that it can be very stressful trying to balance the two, and I imagine that your daughter is feeling the same way.

As a people pleaser, I often end up hurting someone's feelings even while I'm trying to make everyone happy. I hate to tell someone I can't make it, so I try to do it all and inevitably stretch myself a little too thin. I imagine your daughter received some pressure from his family to participate in Christmas dinner and thought she could do both, without thinking that it might come off as a snub to you.

I have two older sisters who are both married, so there is a lot of juggling this time of year. Our solution is to get together on Christmas Eve - is that an option? We love to get together that afternoon, playing board games, listening to Christmas music, sipping wine, and then we all sit down to a nice dinner. By stretching the celebration into two days, it usually gives myself and my sisters enough time to see our immediate family, while also having time to go spend with our SO's families.

One more thought: do you know her SO's family at all? Is it an option to go have dinner with them as well? If they're the "more the merrier" type, that might be a way to bring two families together for a lively celebration!

Anyways, I know this was a little rambling and I'm not sure if that helps, but please try not to take it too personally. The holidays can be stressful for everyone and just know that your daughter is likely just trying to please everyone.

Merry Christmas!

 

[tyty333]

Both sets of our parents are in town so I would never go spend the whole day at either of their homes.
Whenever we make plans we usually say Xmas dinner or brunch to narrow down the time of day we are
to be there.

How far away does your daughter live from you? How often do you see her?

Edit - I would just chalk it up to two people thinking two different things and neither thinking that they may need to be
more specific about the plans. Take it as a lesson learned for next year. Maybe you can do a brunch and spend a few
hours together. Whatever happens I hope you find the way to enjoy the day!

 

[TooPatient]

Big hugs!

Holidays are stressful.

My parents are divorced. I always HATED holidays because I was pulled in so many directions. My mom & her family got their feelings hurt if I spent with my dad & his family. My dad's sister got her feelings hurt if we went to the grandparents' house and not to her house too. My mom's SO got his feelings hurt if we didn't at least stop and visit his family a bit (especially since they were only a mile from my mom's parents' house). It got even crazier when I started dating! Then I had a bf with a family who was hurt if I didn't spend some time with them.
Gah!

I ended up doing something like Christmas Eve early day with mom's SO's family, Christmas Eve day with my dad's family, Christmas Eve night with my mom's family, Christmas morning with my mom & her SO, Christmas afternoon with my dad & his SO, Christmas evening with my dad's sister, and bf's family whenever they did their thing.

Anyway, try not to be too hurt. Your daughters are just trying to spend time with all of their family. It is a difficult thing to juggle!

Do make sure to plan something extra special for you and your DH though!

 

[junebug17]

Eh, don't beat yourself up kmarla, you are entitled to your feelings and I can understand how you would feel disappointed…but one thing I've found out is that as I get older, circumstances change and sometimes I have to be a bit more flexible. How about making the focus of the day a really nice brunch, and make that the Christmas celebration? It does get tricky when people have to visit two families on one day. And it might be nice for your daughter to spend some time with her birth mother on Christmas. I can see why you thought your dd would be there for dinner…but who knows, maybe she knew you'd be upset so she put off telling you. Kids do that sometimes!

I guess I would just try to make the best of it at this point, and make sure everybody is more specific with their plans next year. Hope you're feeling better about this soon!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Kmarla, try not to feel upset about venting...this open forum is a good place to do just that!

Perhaps you can shift dinner to brunch--and have a nice GTG after opening gifts.

cheers--Sharon

 

[momhappy]

I don't think that "spending the day" necessarily includes dinner. To be honest, it sounds like your DD is splitting her time appropriately, but that you had other expectations (that were perhaps not realistic given the circumstances).

 

[aljdewey]

Okay, I'm feeling really regretful about posting. Clearly I was having a little pity party in the wee hours and feeling hurt. I don't know how this will all resolve but I'm sure things will work themselves out and we'll have a good Christmas!

Please don't feel regretful; you're entitled to ALL your feelings - even the initial ones that feel out of proportion in the wee hours.

Daydream's post was very elegant and on-point. It is tough when your kids become young adults and they begin forming relationships outside the core family that will present them with multiple obligations on holidays. I think it's almost inevitable that misunderstandings happen in these early days because you've never had to specify what the other was thinking before.

It sounds like your DD is trying to satisfy all fronts, and I'm guessing she probably feels the most important part of the day (the morning celebration) is the portion she reserved for you. I'd see that as pretty meaningful.

I'm sure you both could clear it over with a quick moment to say "hey, I'm sorry I reacted so strongly. I've never had to share you with others during the holidays; you've grown so fast, and there are times it's hard for me to keep up. I want to, though, so going forward I'll be aware that I may not have you all to myself and try to be more specific about plans and timing."

 

[Rhea]

Don't feel regretful. I would have made the same assumption you did about Christmas meant and probably would've been hurt if I didn't happen as I'd expected.

I think daydream explained what could have happened. I know my parent's and I went through this. This is my sister's first Christmas living with her boyfriend she's going through balancing her needs for her family (boyfriend and a menagerie of pets) with both sets of parents.

 

[minousbijoux]

Okay, I'm feeling really regretful about posting. Clearly I was having a little pity party in the wee hours and feeling hurt. I don't know how this will all resolve but I'm sure things will work themselves out and we'll have a good Christmas!

Please don't feel regretful; you're entitled to ALL your feelings - even the initial ones that feel out of proportion in the wee hours.

Daydream's post was very elegant and on-point. It is tough when your kids become young adults and they begin forming relationships outside the core family that will present them with multiple obligations on holidays. I think it's almost inevitable that misunderstandings happen in these early days because you've never had to specify what the other was thinking before.

It sounds like your DD is trying to satisfy all fronts, and I'm guessing she probably feels the most important part of the day (the morning celebration) is the portion she reserved for you. I'd see that as pretty meaningful.

I'm sure you both could clear it over with a quick moment to say "hey, I'm sorry I reacted so strongly. I've never had to share you with others during the holidays; you've grown so fast, and there are times it's hard for me to keep up. I want to, though, so going forward I'll be aware that I may not have you all to myself and try to be more specific about plans and timing."

Well said. Alj, this is so loving, reasonable, articulate and on point; I cannot wait until the day I meet you in person!

 

[movie zombie]

first things first: it is ok to throw yourself a pity party! it is healthy! it gets things out! if nothing else you get to read what you wrote and realize it is a pity party! very healthy all around, imo! and if one is going to throw a pity party, this is the place to do it! congrats!

things are changing in your family and not hosting the big family thing is only one of many.
I think you made the right decision for you and your husband.
i think your daughters are making decisions that they need to make and as hurtful as it may be to you, it is something they need to do and perhaps learn from as well.
i like the brunch idea. enjoy their company.
and then make the rest of the day all about you and your hubby!
i think sometimes married people with children forget that they were once married people w/o children.
do something special for yourselves. start a new tradition that is special to the two of you.
accepting your children's holiday independence may open new options for the two of you.

and your youngest may find that the other Christmas isn't as much fun as she thought it would be and your oldest may decide that two celebrations that requires a 3 hour drive just isn't practical and decide to share her holiday on Christmas eve with one or the other.

you've thrown your pity party [which i totally support!] but now is the time to start making something positive out of what you've got.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I think I would have assumed the same thing as you! I would be a little hurt as well. I think I would get out and do something fun. I am thinking about the same thing. Christmas can bring up hurt and loss as well as joy. Maybe shake it up a bit. We always have something in the back of our minds that the holiday should be, whether we articulate it or not. I agree, that it is ok to have a pity party once in a while.

Enjoy the time you have and then (as Movie Zombie said) do something just for you and your hubby.

 

[gem_anemone]

kmarla - I want you to know that I completely sympathize with your situation. If your DD's were only willing to commit contingent on other plans then they should have said that to begin with or let you know they may have to leave at a certain time. I agree with trying to work with everyone's schedules and maybe having brunch instead of dinner. Your DD's SO's family function was probably not being planned around your family function and it's necessary for your DD and her SO to be thoughtful of each other and get to both gatherings. If you can do them a kindness and schedule yours earlier to make things easier for them I think that would help the situation.

I am having some issues with my family right now too and the holidays are more stressful and sad to me this year than they are fun. My big issue this year is that everyone else's family is turning out to be more important than mine. I scheduled a Christmas Eve dinner with my parents and brothers (and fam) so as to not interfere with their regularly scheduled Christmas plans and it turns out my stepdad's family who has celebrated on Christmas day for the last 20+ years were looking to switch to Christmas Eve this year. REALLY??? And of course my mom was deferring to her husband rather than her daughter and it really hurt my feelings because I had planned mine first and everyone said they would come. I had carefully planned around the other family get togethers in order to have mine. I had to argue with her and tell her that my stepdad's family can't just change it like that an not expect conflict and that I expect her and my stepdad to be at mine since I annouced it first and they said it would be OK. A couple days after our discussion she told me my stepdad's family ended up going back to Christmas day, however, my mom is now giving me the cold shoulder and I can only assume this is for not letting my stepdad have his way (like he always gets). Now that she is mad at me I regret even having bothered. It's like they would all rather be somewhere else. It definitely hurts. Merry Christmas to you kmarla. We need to keep our chins up! See a movie with DH or something

ETA to comment to the pity party - This situation has made me lose sleep every night all week. I can't wait for Christmas to be over for the simple fact that I will be able to go back to feeling normal and have it blow over and maybe even my mom will start treating me nicely again.

 

[amc80]

I don't think that "spending the day" necessarily includes dinner. To be honest, it sounds like your DD is splitting her time appropriately, but that you had other expectations (that were perhaps not realistic given the circumstances).

I agree with this. I don't think "spending the day" includes dinner.

 

[lliang_chi]

Gem, I'm sorry about your family drama re: the holidays Hopefully everytihng will blow over soon. In the mean time enjoy your last Christmas before LO arrives

Kmarla, It's OK to feel how you feel, but I think aldj put it beautifully. As your kids grow up there's a lot of adjustment that will happen, this is just the start of it. Christmas morning and brunch could be a start of a whole new tradition that'll be special and beautiful. And afterwards you can watch a movie with your DH or something.

 

[kmarla]

I felt so bad about this whole situation, both the Christmas snafoo and my impulsive post, and I'm very grateful to you wonderful people for making me feel so much better with your kind words and suggestions I completely understand the feeling DD has of being pulled in two directions and I think I'm pretty good at sharing her normally. DD had told us that she was travelling to visit SO's family on the 26th and then would continue on holidays until early Jan. We had talked together about what we were making for Christmas dinner just a week ago so that is why I was so thrown. I'm really pretty easygoing by nature. DD and SO spent the last two Christmases at his family so we just flipped our Christmas to the 26th both years and everything worked out fine. Having brunch here is a great idea but DD said they wanted to be on the road early so it might not be an option. We only met his Mom once so spending the day together is not really an option. Obviously something changed and DD didn't handle it as smoothly as she could have. Movie Zombie DH and I were laughing about going to see The Hobbit...our first Christmas Day movie! Thanks again everyone. I'm feeling so much better already !

 

[MichelleCarmen]

What does spending Christmas Day with someone mean to you? Does it include supper? And next question is how do we move on and get past this? DD will be out of town until early Jan so we can't reschedule. We've always been very close and this is out of character

Sorry you're upset about this. Spending the day, in my mind, means spending maybe up to 3-4 hours celebrating then going home. Everyone is different, but for my husband and myself, we both find that's about all the socializing we can do before we want to go home and veg out with a movie.

 

[kmarla]

MC- I totally hear you! I guess I should have been more clear about our tradition. We're all over 21 here so spending the day really means immediate family arriving around 3 pm (except those stuck living here who either get kitchen or bathroom duty in the morning) and exchanging presents, extended family coming around 4 pm, everyone having dinner together and then collapsing full of good food and good company. It's how we've done it for years now.

 

[kmarla]

We've worked everything out! Younger DD will spend Christmas Eve with her Birth Mom, and then our little family including both daughters and their partners will spend Christmas morning together at our house. We'll have a nice brunch together before older daughter heads out to SO's family. I feel much better now and have learned a valuable lesson about clarifying information. Again thanks to all of you for your support, suggestions, and different perspectives. We were able to repair this situation without any drama or more hurt feelings Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!!

 

[movie zombie]

congrats: very happy it worked out!

 

[monarch64]

So glad it all worked out! I was watching this thread today, not quite knowing what to say as a 30-something who is in between wanting to be with my own family, or my parents, or my husband's chosen family. Holidays are tough, good for you for navigating positively. Merry Christmas!

 

[tyty333]

I'm so glad you were able to work something out between everyone...enjoy your day!

 

[junebug17]

Glad you were able to work it out and you're feeling better!

 

[canuk-gal]

We've worked everything out! Younger DD will spend Christmas Eve with her Birth Mom, and then our little family including both daughters and their partners will spend Christmas morning together at our house. We'll have a nice brunch together before older daughter heads out to SO's family. I feel much better now and have learned a valuable lesson about clarifying information. Again thanks to all of you for your support, suggestions, and different perspectives. We were able to repair this situation without any drama or more hurt feelings Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas!

 

[Dandi]

Wonderful! I'm so glad you've worked everything out, what a lovely day you will all have! I'm married, my three brothers all have SOs, and our partners all have extended family, so Christmas is a juggle every year and is always different, but the important thing is that everyone in involved where possible and has a great time. Eggnog for all!!

Merry Christmas!!

 

[SignedMe]

We've always said, as people get older, Christmas changes every year. I know, before my husband and I married, that he spent Christmas with his family. He'd take his weeks vacation and be with them exclusively. When I came along, that changed. We now visit the weekend prior and return home to spend the holiday with my family. It works for us since we all converge on his hometown (his parents no longer live their either) to celebrate with the extended family. I suspect when my BIL married my SIL, things changed then too, although I'm not sure to what degree.

The blending of two families is always a challenge as the obligations of "time" change. Your daughter could have communicated her plans better, but next year you know to ask the specific questions. Though, no matter what, you'll still have a lovely, happy holiday.