advice needed situation with elderly mother

[junebug17]

I know I'm late to this thread, but PLEASE, PLEASE if she hit her head, even if it seems minor, get her to the hospital to make sure she is ok. My gram is 87,and recently fell and it seemed minor, until we went to the hospital as a precaution, and she had bleeding inside her skull. She's had dementia and a rapid decline in her physical abilities since, and is now in an assisted living facility as a result.

Thank you manderz, that is a really important point - luckily, she didn't hit her head - in fact, while I was trying to get her up, she said "it's ok, I didn't hit my head!" (former nurse). It looked to me like she was leaning on her walker and tipped over onto the floor- I think the walker sort of broke her fall and she landed on her side and she managed to keep her head up. She seemed fine this morning, thank goodness.

I'm so sorry about your grandmother.

 

[manderz]

I know I'm late to this thread, but PLEASE, PLEASE if she hit her head, even if it seems minor, get her to the hospital to make sure she is ok. My gram is 87,and recently fell and it seemed minor, until we went to the hospital as a precaution, and she had bleeding inside her skull. She's had dementia and a rapid decline in her physical abilities since, and is now in an assisted living facility as a result.

Thank you manderz, that is a really important point - luckily, she didn't hit her head - in fact, while I was trying to get her up, she said "it's ok, I didn't hit my head!" (former nurse). It looked to me like she was leaning on her walker and tipped over onto the floor- I think the walker sort of broke her fall and she landed on her side and she managed to keep her head up. She seemed fine this morning, thank goodness.

I'm so sorry about your grandmother.

I'm so glad she didn't hit her head! Also, glad she seems to be doing well. It sure can be difficult to have those parent/child roles reversed as family members age. Make sure to take care of yourself in there, too. I know it can be very easy to get so wrapped up in what needs to be done, that you forget to give yourself the care you need, as well.

Thanks for the thoughts for my gram. She's healing well, and on a bit of an upswing, but won't ever be able to live on her own again. She's been a bit depressed (understandably so) but adjusting pretty well to her new surroundings otherwise. It's just amazing to me how quickly something so seemingly minor can change your whole world!

 

[junebug17]

Thank you Sharon! I really appreciate it!

TP, thank you! Yeah, it's sad to see people so alone - a little human interaction can really make a difference.

MGR, I can relate to every word of your post! You are right - sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the responsibility of caring for another person I get a little panic-stricken - her health and well-being rest entirely on my brother and me! Am I doing enough? Could I be doing more? Is there anything I can do to make this situation better? It can be very draining and stressful. And yes, I too find that I have to focus on the present, because thinking about what might lay ahead is just too overwhelming, and as you said, I can't control it anyway. Having a supportive husband does help, and my daughter is great to vent to! Thanks for your post, it is very comforting and helpful to me.

 

[Smith1942]

When parents get elderly and/or sick, the stress is amazing, isn't it?

I agree with everyone else that your brother needs to be told about the fall.

You and your brother really are doing our best. Try not to fret too much; she is elderly and getting that old isn't much fun for many; there is just nothing you can do about that. Give your best care (as you are) and let it go, mentally, when you have done everything you can do in a given day. Oh....SO much easier said than done, I know! As you may or may not know, my mother is also ill and aside from visiting and calling a lot, I distract myself with the mundane and the everyday. When there is nothing you can do about a situation (such as the passage of time making your mom elderly) distraction is a great, great tactic.

 

[decodelighted]

I'm so glad she told on herself! I'd suspected some of her initial request was just due to the shock & shame. But sounds like she still has a good head on her shoulders and realized he needed to know once she'd had time to calm down & reflect.

Hang in there. You're doing such a wonderful thing for your mom.

 

[junebug17]

Manderz, I'm glad to hear your grandmother is settling in and doing a bit better - I bet she does just fine once she's acclimated and used to the routine and her surroundings. My mother is a depressed too, and as you said it's pretty understandable, and common in elderly people. In fact, her doctor prescribed and anti-depressant recently and I'm hoping it helps. Hugs to you, I know this isn't easy.

Thank you Smith - very comforting words! I have to remind myself that we are doing our best, even though sometimes we feel we're floundering a bit lol. Worrying and fretting isn't going to change anything and is only going to make me miserable - I'm starting to think she could be dehydrated - but suggest she drink a glass of water or juice once in a while? She looks at me like I'm crazy, and who am I to tell her what to do? *sigh*. But I just have to carry on. And yes, I am aware of your mother's condition and am so very sorry for what you are going through. And I agree that distractions do help - I'm thankful for PS in that regard!

Thanks for the encouragement Deco - I think the fall scared her, and on some level she wanted him to know - I think now she realizes there's a possibility it will happen again, and the next time it might be my brother who's here, so better to have it out in the open.

 

[Smith1942]

Thank you yenny, I do think this was a heads-up to her that she has to be careful - she usually doesn't take chances but occasionally she forgets and just moves too fast.

Laurie, you expressed yourself very well and I agree with you! It's very stressful to pretend that my mother hasn't changed and discussing this incident will definitely diffuse it and if and when she falls again, it won't be so shocking or upsetting. I do worry that she might take a more serious fall in the future, but I guess as long as she's still mobile we can't totally control that. It's just not feasible for us to follow her from room to room.

Boatluvr, I feel for you! Your mother is very active at 88 years! The tricky part is when the abilities don't match the drive. It's so hard for our aging parents to come to terms with the changes that come with getting older. When my mother had her stroke, driving was very obviously out of the question, but she would proudly state that she decided that she shouldn't drive - as if it was open to discussion! Luckily my mother realizes she can't cook or clean - I think she recognizes she just can't because of her instability. I don't think she really wants to cook or clean anyway lol. I wish you all the best in caring for your mother, I understand all too well how difficult it can be - you're doing a great thing by being there for her.

KaeKae, I'm so sorry about your aunt, I hope she recovers quickly and is feeling better soon… maybe this incident will serve as a wake-up call for her and make her realize she can't do it all and does need some help. And maybe she'll start wearing that damn button!

Thanks for the kind words Kaleigh! I can only imagine how hard it must have been to do it all on your own, I really admire you for that. I feel compelled to do what I'm doing both to help out my brother and to cheer up my mother. Can't lie, there are days I really don't want to go (most days, TBH) - I'm not a saint by any stretch- but I keep plugging along and do my best because in my heart I know it's the right thing to do.

Well, after all this rigamarole guess what - she must have forgotten she didn't want my brother to know (short term memory issues), so she told him herself before I could talk to her - all that angst for nothing, but it made things easier for me!

Thanks to everyone for your help, I got a lot of comfort and support from this thread!

Junebug, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Any idea how much I don't want to go to my parents' house on another continent for Christmas? I've spent four months with them over the past twelve months and gave up my dream job to do so. I find it difficult to be around my mother because the situation is so sad, but what I really cannot bear is watching my parents' marriage in action. It's always been bad, and now that the cancer is temporarily controlled, all the arguing and bickering is back, which my father usually wins being bigger and shouting louder. I cannot tell you how much I don't want to go, to the extent it briefly crossed my mind to miss my flight, pull a sickie and hole up in Boston on my own!!!! Of course, I couldn't do that. But I would give anything not to have to go - I only saw them last week when they were here - and I went home in September to see them, and they were with me in August for three weeks. To save my own sanity, after Christmas I'm not going to see them for a few months, since my mother is relatively well and my father is hale and hearty enough to shout at her. I'm going to leave them alone to duke it out for a while because I just cannot watch. So if you're a non-angel, so am I!

 

[MissGotRocks]

Yes, helping to care for elderly parents is the right thing to do - no matter how hard. We also have to remember that if we live to be old enough, we'll be the elderly parent one day. We'll be glad to have someone else's help when we can no longer do for ourselves.

It is hard and it is draining but somehow you'll get through it. I think at times they are hard to deal with because they're frustrated too - with all they can't do, with not wanting to give up control, with plain not feeling well. Again, hard as it is, you have to try to not take it personally either - and that's very hard when it's your parent. I wish there was a magical answer for it all - for me it made me rethink and reevaluate almost everything in my life. I always thought I was a reasonably kind and caring person but there were days and there were things and there were things said that made me sometimes question whether I had a heart at all! However, once they are gone you have time to reflect and understand more about them and yourself than you ever can in the moment. Too much emotion and energy being used during the caregiving days to even be rational at times. Hugs to you - just do the best you can do and the rest will take care of itself!