NYC's new "You Are Beautiful" Campaign

[Circe]

I just read an article about the irony of a campaign aimed at bolstering girls self-worth, inspired by statistics claiming that huge numbers of pre-adolescents were dieting and self-hating and whatnot, being focused *on an aesthetic quality.*

Look, I'm not beautiful. And I am SO GLAD to be able to say that on a forum where nobody knows how I look: IRL, or even on any of my related-to-real-life blogs, if I say that, I get the well-intentioned ego-bolstering statements which actually serve no purpose other than to keep women valuing the goal, buying the face cream, committing to the facelift.

I have a great big Jewish nose (which I love, but which I am aware society does not) and eyebrows that I can't be bothered to pluck, and I don't bother with foundation or powder or even skin cream. I DO love bright lipstick and eyeliner and I feel like the day a sales associate introduced me to eyebrow powder and a shading brush changed my life, because one of the things society think is grossest about me is the one i like the most. In a more eloquent age, I would have been called a "handsome" woman, and I am GOOD with that.

It's like "fat." It's not a value judgment. It's a descriptor. It does not obviate beauty: it specifies its nature. But apparently that potential for diversity is really off-putting (or, at least, that is my best guess). I really wish we could change that.


I know that I have some "pretty privilege" in being white-ish (social observation, not in the slightest way, shape, or form personal opinion ... I tend to go in the opposite direction aesthetically, if anything) and having a relatively slender body even if it's curvy, etc. (and DITTO), but I still flinch a little and feel like I'm failing peoples's expectations when they say that "I'm beautiful *just the way I am*." It always sounds like, "good ENOUGH." I hate that this is the message we're promulgating to the next generation. I think we should be prioritizing other skill sets ... "You're driven the way you are," "you're ambitious the way you are," "you're *going to succeed the way you are*"....

. ... just me?

 

[rainwood]

Circe, can I just say i love your posts?

I grew up in the 60's and 70's where focus on appearance was a lot less than today, and certainly didn't go into as many areas as it does now. Waxing, teeth whitening, liposuction, and the like didn't even exist. A manicure was for rich socialites and being a size 2 wasn't seen as a social necessity. I'm not beautiful either, but that's okay. I'm smart as a whip and funny (though rarely on PS) and those things have taken me a long way in life. No one needs to tell me I'm beautiful in my own way. I'm smart enough to know that I'm mostly just smart. And funny.

 

[justginger]

It's definitely not just you, Circe. I think all of society struggles with its expectations of beauty.

There are people who recognize you get places in the world based on looks, and devote much time and money into fitting into particular standards -- and are thus rewarded.

There are people who don't give two shits about what society expects them to look like, and are often very happy within themselves -- and are thus rewarded.

And the vast majority seems to fall somewhere in between. None of us try to deny that meeting superficial standards does have it rewards, nor do most of us think that's 'right.' It just is what it is, you know?

I can't even count how many times someone has commented on how lovely I look when I put in a bit of effort. I routinely wear jeans and a t shirt to work (like...every day), my hair is straight and in a ponytail, and I almost never wear makeup. Maybe once a fortnight. However, when I do go out with work colleagues or choose to wear makeup to work, there is always at least one person who comments on how nice I look. In fact, one of our registrars a year or two ago looked at the bulletin board in our office at work (where we have photos from social events), looked back at me, looked at the board, and finally blurted out, "Is that YOU?!" He looked like this: - I looked like this:

Don't get me wrong, receiving compliments is nice. I give them myself intending for them to be well received, but I find it funny that no one ever says to me, "Gosh, you're extra funny today," or "That was a really clever idea, good thinking." No, it's far more likely to be, "Your hair looks really beautiful," or "Wow, your eyeshadow really makes your eyes look big and blue today!"

I read an article not long ago about how we indoctrinate young girls with this from a very early age. It was SO good and really gave me pause because I do it myself -- I see my niece and tell her that I think she's the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world. I should be saying that I think she's the most kindhearted, generous girl in the whole wide world, you know?

 

[TooPatient]

Great observations!

I am so sick of the focus on appearance. A person is WAY more than they look like from the outside. In fact, it is the stuff you can't see from a single glance that makes people who they are.

"A" is 14 and came back from summer camp wanting shorter-shorts and tighter shirts. She's wanting to wear make up and have a large wardrobe so that she doesn't get seen too often in the same clothing. I spend lots of time teaching her about nutrition and balance because she is so set on being a size 0 (which at her height was NOT healthy -- she was 95 pounds at a size 0 ). She is trying to get things like push-up bras, strapless dresses and other such things.

I'm not so old as to not remember what it is like in school. I know that is what kids around the school leave you feeling like you need to do. No shock since the magazines, tv shows, movies, music, video games and more drill into everyone that super skinny with the "right" sized hips and chest and just the right clothes and makeup is what makes people popular (liked, whatever you want to call it!).

When you see an old friend or some family member, the greeting usually includes some comment on appearance -- "You're looking great!" or "You've lost weight!" or "You're so beautiful you could be a model!" (gee thanks to several people who told this to an anorexic teenager )


Why not focus on the areas that matter?

You are so smart!
What a great sense of humor you have!
Congratulations! I hear you're a year ahead of your class!
That song you wrote is really great!


ETA: Wonderful topic Circe! This is something that has always bothered me and is fresh in my mind as we deal with a 14-year-old girl who is super smart, caring, talented (art, writing, music and more) AND beautiful. Of course most people get stuck on that last one (her perfect skin with that olive complexion, tall, skinny, thick wavy hair -- everything that society says is "pretty") and miss all of the rest!

 

[justginger]

I found it after combing through the last 3 months of my FB history.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html

 

[rainwood]

I was too late to edit my first post in which I managed to sound like an ass - how smart was that? I just want to add that I admire everyone who is trying to recognize and counter the prevailing culture about girls and appearance. It is SO hard to fight something so pervasive, but it's so important. Hats off to everyone fighting the good fight.

 

[JewelFreak]

Smart people realize physical beauty is temporary. Base your life on it & you'll end up holding an empty bag (and being one, lol). True, lasting beauty is born of curiosity, moral strength, compassion, humor. Don't you know someone who is not physically pretty but attracts hordes of admirers through personality? We need to teach our children that lesson.

You can't buy beauty in cosmetic or clothing stores or in operating rooms. You can only have it if you become it. Do that, and age only deepens & enhances it.

--- Laurie

 

[missy]

In my experience it is mainly people who don't know you who focus on appearance/superficial qualities. Once you get to know someone that is when you really "see" who they are and then they become beautiful or not to you. I get comments on how funny I am IRL all the time. Or how smart I am, how thoughtful etc. Sure people compliment me on superficial stuff but the compliments that are meaningful to me do happen. Just not by people who don't really know me as those are the people who just comment on what they see on the outside because they don't know our inside.

It would be great if young women and men (including children and adolescents) could internalize what true beauty means/is and be happy with who they are independent of those superficial attributes. We all get old (hopefully if we live long enough that is) and our appearance will change but who we are -that is a constant (as long as we don't experience mind altering diseases) and that is what makes us truly beautiful. I wish young and old people alike could really "get" that and internalize it because doing so will bring confidence, inner peace and happiness in a way that no superficial attributes ever could IMO.

 

[partgypsy]

Smart people realize physical beauty is temporary. Base your life on it & you'll end up holding an empty bag (and being one, lol). True, lasting beauty is born of curiosity, moral strength, compassion, humor. Don't you know someone who is not physically pretty but attracts hordes of admirers through personality? We need to teach our children that lesson.

You can't buy beauty in cosmetic or clothing stores or in operating rooms. You can only have it if you become it. Do that, and age only deepens & enhances it.

--- Laurie

Ditto. Both my husband and I went through ugly periods as teens (braces, acne, glasses, the whole 9 yards). If someone told me at that time I was "beautiful" I would have laughed at them. But I did learn that people who are only attracted to you for superficial reasons, those are unstable transitory relationships, while those who value you for your intelligence, humor, funny way of seeing things, are the relationships that are valuable and last. So I felt my ugly period was really beneficial to me, both for developing and strengthening other parts of myself, and also being better at not judging people on initial impressions, because I've been there too.

 

[iLander]

I AM beautiful! In fact, I am gorgeous!

I am honest, forthright, and giving. I am a good friend, an open person who would deliberately never hurt another human being. Or an animal. I'm smart and funny. I am loyal and trustworthy, and sometimes very considerate.

If that's not gorgeous, then I don't know what the hell is!

Ever since my DD was a little girl, her nickname is beautiful and mine is gorgeous. That's how we talk to each other. Then she got to adolescence and she started to hesitate to call me gorgeous. I noticed and asked her about it. She mumbled something about her not really being beautiful. I got so mad. I told her she was smart and hard working and kind and friendly, etc. And that is what beautiful IS. She mumbled something about boys, and I told her "IF they don't know how fabulous you are, that is their loss". Ever since then, she is comfortable again with those words, and comfortable in her own skin.

We both know how fantastic we are.

And ladies, so should you.

 

[Circe]

I AM beautiful! In fact, I am gorgeous!

I am honest, forthright, and giving. I am a good friend, an open person who would deliberately never hurt another human being. Or an animal. I'm smart and funny. I am loyal and trustworthy, and sometimes very considerate.

If that's not gorgeous, then I don't know what the hell is!

Ever since my DD was a little girl, her nickname is beautiful and mine is gorgeous. That's how we talk to each other. Then she got to adolescence and she started to hesitate to call me gorgeous. I noticed and asked her about it. She mumbled something about her not really being beautiful. I got so mad. I told her she was smart and hard working and kind and friendly, etc. And that is what beautiful IS. She mumbled something about boys, and I told her "IF they don't know how fabulous you are, that is their loss". Ever since then, she is comfortable again with those words, and comfortable in her own skin.

We both know how fantastic we are.

And ladies, so should you.

Well ... to quote, it's "honest, forthright, and giving [...] a good friend, an open person who would deliberately never hurt another human being. Or an animal [...] smart and funny [...] loyal and trustworthy, and sometimes very considerate." It's linking those things to a term most commonly applied to one's physical appearance that makes me uncomfortable.

For what it's worth, my best friend feels the same way you do ... way I see it, everything that's subjective is up for debate.

 

[JewelFreak]

So I felt my ugly period was really beneficial to me, both for developing and strengthening other parts of myself, and also being better at not judging people on initial impressions, because I've been there too.

Growth like that is what life should be about, PG, congratulations. The part they don't tell you is that an "ugly" period will come again to us all, & stay. When the bags, sags, wrinkles, & unruly hairs accumulate, the paunch that only deadly starvation will flatten. Then we need more to contribute than self-admiration, and it can't be built up overnight. A lifetime is needed to grow character, and whew, if you don't have a sense of humor by that time, you're in major pits. The only savior from sadness & irrelevance in middle- and old age is an interest in others, in the world outside oneself, and chuckles. In a nutshell, an avidity to learn. And if you're really smart, deep down unconcern with whether you're cool or politically correct.

--- Laurie

 

[iLander]

Well ... to quote, it's "honest, forthright, and giving [...] a good friend, an open person who would deliberately never hurt another human being. Or an animal [...] smart and funny [...] loyal and trustworthy, and sometimes very considerate." It's linking those things to a term most commonly applied to one's physical appearance that makes me uncomfortable.

For what it's worth, my best friend feels the same way you do ... way I see it, everything that's subjective is up for debate.

One's physical appearance is mutable, subjective, and completely irrelevant. Why would linking those things to "beautiful" and "gorgeous" make you uncomfortable? I think they are the "true" definitions, and anything else is just a "surface" definition. Akin to "spirit of the law" versus "letter of the law". I can't really care much how those words are commonly applied because, sooner or later, a girl will personally apply them to herself. If we give her the tools to define them her own way, in a way that benefits her self worth and character, societal expectations fall by the wayside. As they should.

This whole concept dovetails with what I always told both my kids: Don't worry what people think about you, they don't do it very much.

 

[iLander]

So I felt my ugly period was really beneficial to me, both for developing and strengthening other parts of myself, and also being better at not judging people on initial impressions, because I've been there too.

Growth like that is what life should be about, PG, congratulations. The part they don't tell you is that an "ugly" period will come again to us all, & stay. When the bags, sags, wrinkles, & unruly hairs accumulate, the paunch that only deadly starvation will flatten. Then we need more to contribute than self-admiration, and it can't be built up overnight. A lifetime is needed to grow character, and whew, if you don't have a sense of humor by that time, you're in major pits. The only savior from sadness & irrelevance in middle- and old age is an interest in others, in the world outside oneself, and chuckles. In a nutshell, an avidity to learn. And if you're really smart, deep down unconcern with whether you're cool or politically correct.

--- Laurie

Exactly! Well said, Laurie.

 

[Circe]

One's physical appearance is mutable, subjective, and completely irrelevant. Why would linking those things to "beautiful" and "gorgeous" make you uncomfortable? I think they are the "true" definitions, and anything else is just a "surface" definition. Akin to "spirit of the law" versus "letter of the law". I can't really care much how those words are commonly applied because, sooner or later, a girl will personally apply them to herself. If we give her the tools to define them her own way, in a way that benefits her self worth and character, societal expectations fall by the wayside. As they should.

This whole concept dovetails with what I always told both my kids: Don't worry what people think about you, they don't do it very much.

Linguistic precision is important to me, and "beautiful" is a visual descriptor. Other applications need to be qualified, generally: it's the difference between "she's beautiful" and "she has a beautiful soul," or "that sunset is beautiful" vs. "the concerto sounded beautiful." While I think you're right that we should give young women the vocabulary and the self-confidence to feel gloriously comfortable in their own skins, I just don't think continuing to prioritize their appearance over their other qualities is the way to do it. In some ways, I think we're actually coming at the same point, just from two very different positions.

 

[iLander]

Ah, I see. I have no problem appropriating the language and making it suit my purposes. I like to think of it as helping society adjust their definitions to better fit human reality.

And I agree, we are making the same point.