If your spouse wants a tattoo and you don't like them...

[sonnyjane]

I thought this would be an interesting discussion. I'm not quite sure how I feel about the topic, but it came up in a Facebook group I belong to.

What do you do if your spouse wants a tattoo but you don't want them to get it? It is NOT a tattoo with any emotional significance (family death, name of child, etc.), just an image that they like. Obviously it's their body and you can't stop them, but being as it's a permanent alteration (unlike coloring or cutting one's hair for example), do you have any right to chime in?

 

[missy]

We briefly touched upon this topic in a different thread. It's a good question and I don't think there is a clear cut black and white answer. The way we solve most disagreements or issues is basically by discussing who is it the most important to and who feels most strongly about it. Meaning that if my being vehemently against my dh getting a tatoo outweighs his desire for one then he would acquiesce to my request that he forgo getting a tatoo. I hope that makes sense.

The problem is figuring out for whom is the issue most important. We usually know which one of us feels more strongly about the disagreement at hand and this method works well for us. Fortunately we are usually on the same page about things like this but I could see where it could be a problem. In the end it is his body and the final decision about what he does to it rests with him IMO.

 

[sonnyjane]

Missy, that's a good way of doing it. I don't have any tattoos myself. Hubby has mentioned getting some off and on but never has looked into it seriously up to this point. I guess I'm not vehemently opposed, but I would want to make sure he went to a great artist so he didnt regret it later. I watch those tattoo reality shows online and some people come in with AWFUL ones that need correcting.

 

[kenny]

To each their own, but I have no ink and never will.
My SO got one before he met me.
I have nothing against people who get them, and some look really cool.

I see my body as a bag of blood and I don't like breaking the seal.

Fifteen years ago when we met I told my SO about my concern over the risk, admittedly low, of contracting HIV or Hepatitis by getting a tattoo.
Let's face it even the best tattoo parlor employes are not doctors or RNs.
I just do not feel the sanitation level is as controlled and regulated as hospitals are.
Yes, it's possible but I'm not much of a risk taker.

YMMV, live and let live, respecting diversity etc. etc. etc. ... but I'm not comfortable doing anything that's not medically necessary which breaks the seal of my skin.

Anyway, my SO never got one after we met so either he's honoring my concern or just doesn't want any more.

 

[missy]

Thanks Sonnyjane. I appreciate good tattoos on other people but I would be opposed to my dh getting one. I am not 100% sure of the reason but it could have something to do with what tattoos used to represent during WWII. In any case I have a strong reaction to the thought of my dh getting one. It might be a silly reaction and as I said I do appreciate them on others. It's artwork and some of them are pretty darn awesome but it's just not for us. Fortunately my dh has no desire to get one but if he did I am pretty sure he wouldn't because this is one topic I for sure would feel more strongly about than he would.

ETA:

YMMV, live and let live, respecting diversity etc. etc. etc. ... but I'm not comfortable doing anything that's not medically necessary which breaks the seal of my skin.

I totally agree with this philosophy as well Kenny. I am not much of a risk taker myself lol and there would be no optional invasive procedure that I would choose to do if I did not have to do it.

 

[Rhapsody]

I see my body as a bag of blood and I don't like breaking the seal.

Let's face it even the best tattoo parlor employes are not doctors or RNs.

I just do not feel the sanitation level is as controlled and regulated as hospitals are.
Yes, it's possible but I'm not much of a risk taker.

There is a tattoo parlor where I live that is owned and run by nurses. Other large metropolitan areas may also have shops run by medical professionals. I also got immunized for hep b before I did any tattoos or piercing.

My husband is not a fan of tattoos but has always been supportive of me getting them. He's an artist so he helps me sketch out what I want and comes with me while I go talk to artists and check out their portfolios. When I start thinking about a tattoo I make out a rough sketch, file it away and wait 5 years. If I still want it I start shopping around. I think my husband appreciates that if after half a decade I still want an image on my body he wont stand in my way.

But he is brutally honest and will tell me if he thinks something looks ridiculous

 

[lyra]

His body, his choice and my body, my choice. We both have a tattoo. Mine is a girly thing with my daughters' birth flowers. He said at the time I was crazy. About a year later he got an upper arm tattoo of his family motto. This was all about 5-6 years ago. It was cool, but the novelty wore off and we both forget we have the tattoos now for the most part. His family had a terrible reaction to his getting a tattoo. I have no idea why. He was almost 50 years old at the time! LOL.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I consider myself very laid back and hands off, but it would really depend. A harmless tattoo somewhere on his back, not as big of an issue as a Mike Tyson style face tattoo.

If it was something like a face tattoo, a neck tattoo, or anything with questionable content, I would have to speak up. I would fear that unless he were working in a very niche profession (or self employed), it could be limiting career wise.

 

[sonnyjane]

I consider myself very laid back and hands off, but it would really depend. A harmless tattoo somewhere on his back, not as big of an issue as a Mike Tyson style face tattoo.

If it was something like a face tattoo, a neck tattoo, or anything with questionable content, I would have to speak up. I would fear that unless he were working in a very niche profession (or self employed), it could be limiting career wise.

Oh yeah. If he wanted a Mike Tyson facial tattoo, I'd be doing more than "speaking up" haha!

 

[SB621]

We don't do tattoo's end of story. period. However I have many friends that have them. I get that it is personal- for me it is deeply personally to not have them along with anyone else in my immediate family. Other ppl can do whatever they want.

 

[zoebartlett]

I'd voice my opinion if my husband wanted to get a tattoo. Neither one of us are into them so it wouldn't come up, but I don't see anything wrong with telling him how I feel. He feels the same way.

 

[sonnyjane]

I'd voice my opinion if my husband wanted to get a tattoo. Neither one of us are into them so it wouldn't come up, but I don't see anything wrong with telling him how I feel. He feels the same way.

I guess what I was really curious about is what you (general you) would do if he didn't "feel the same way". If you were opposed strongly but he still really wanted it, do you just have to say "alright it's your body?" I'm guessing you would. Missy's suggestion about agreeing that if one person's objection was stronger than the other's desire, you wouldn't do it is great, but I don't think everyone has that awesome of an arrangement! I don't want tattoos but I do feel like if I really DID want one, I wouldn't want someone telling me I shouldn't get it, even if it was my spouse. That said, does my spouse have a right to ask me not to do it? It's just an interesting topic I guess that intrigued me

 

[yssie]

I got two tattoos in my late teens, well before I met DH. One of them is religiously and culturally significant and I wouldn't remove it for anything - I drew it on myself with permanent marker for a good six months before getting it inked. The other was more of an impulse and while there's nothing wrong with it, it doesn't represent anything meaningful anymore and I'd rather have the blank slate..

I want another tattoo. A flowered vine starting from the top of my shoulder-blade and going down to my hip. I had it painted on, and asked Mike R. to help adjust it, but DH pointed out that I'd never wear a bathing suit around my family again and indicated that he wasn't the biggest fan and... result: I'm not getting it. Yes, it's my body, but I do consider it my obligation to keep it in a condition that DH finds attractive, especially when it comes to permanent changes.

 

[packrat]

I would 'spose we have the right to voice objections if we feel differently than they do about something, like getting a tattoo, but they have the right to make the final decision about it. Kinda hard to tell someone they can't do something w/their body b/c (collective) you don't like it, no matter how visceral the opposition you feel is, whether it's a religious opposition or a moral objection or whatever the case may be.

Thankfully, we both are into them, so I've no worries on that front..tho he doesn't like some of the things I've been pinning as inspiration..and I don't care b/c *I* like it. If he's going to have a problem w/me getting a traditional flower/rose tattoo or traditional swallow tattoo, b/c he doesn't like the aesthetics of them, then we have bigger issues in our marriage.

 

[sonnyjane]

Thankfully, we both are into them, so I've no worries on that front..tho he doesn't like some of the things I've been pinning as inspiration..and I don't care b/c *I* like it. If he's going to have a problem w/me getting a traditional flower/rose tattoo or traditional swallow tattoo, b/c he doesn't like the aesthetics of them, then we have bigger issues in our marriage.

Oh yeah. I think that's even an entirely DIFFERENT issue. My post isn't even really addressing the actual art, just whether or not to get one in general. That's the part I think is a legitimate thing to discuss. But if they just don't like the image? I agree that is a different issue. My husband doesn't like my riding boots worn over my jeans. Know how much I care lol???

 

[yssie]

I got two tattoos in my late teens, well before I met DH. One of them is religiously and culturally significant and I wouldn't remove it for anything - I drew it on myself with permanent marker for a good six months before getting it inked. The other was more of an impulse and while there's nothing wrong with it, it doesn't represent anything meaningful anymore and I'd rather have the blank slate..

I want another tattoo. A flowered vine starting from the top of my shoulder-blade and going down to my hip. I had it painted on, and asked Mike R. to help adjust it, but DH pointed out that I'd never wear a bathing suit around my family again and indicated that he wasn't the biggest fan and... result: I'm not getting it. Yes, it's my body, but I do consider it my obligation to keep it in a condition that DH finds attractive, especially when it comes to permanent changes.

That last sentence came out wrong - DH likes my hair long so I keep it longer than I would otherwise. It's just something I *want* to do because I know he likes it. He wouldn't consider me unattractive with the new tattoo (he'd better not!) but it's obviously not his preference, so... yeah. That's what I meant.

 

[packrat]

If I didn't have any and wanted one, JD could tell me "No" if he wanted, and I'd smile and say "yes" and sashay into the studio, and the same the other way. We'd talk about why we would feel we didn't want the other person to get it, but in the end it would just be up to the person to decide. If JD felt I have enough (which again, thankfully, he likes heavily tattooed women cuz this girl ain't stoppin) and didn't want me to get anymore, I would listen to him and understand his reasonings, but in the end, if I really wanted it, I'd get it.

 

[madelise]

I think it's the same thing as the opposite--- I want my SO to get a few tattoos, but he doesn't want them (yet). His body, his rules. I get that partners should consider their significant other's opinions on such things, but when it comes right down to it… we can't make rules for others' bodies, can we? It'd be "how badly do I want this tattoo" vs. "how badly do I not want SO to be pissed off?". The latter usually doesn't last that long, whereas the former fills an itch that the person may have had for a very, very long time (I'm assuming this is a rather thought out tattoo, and not just a random urge to get something trendy that he/she may have thought up of in just the last week).


I don't think anyone would ever divorce over this, right?


Then there's the difference between him getting a swastika on his forehead with flames where his mustache is (seriously, I've seen this. ) vs. something much less offensive.

 

[zoebartlett]

I'd voice my opinion if my husband wanted to get a tattoo. Neither one of us are into them so it wouldn't come up, but I don't see anything wrong with telling him how I feel. He feels the same way.

I guess what I was really curious about is what you (general you) would do if he didn't "feel the same way". If you were opposed strongly but he still really wanted it, do you just have to say "alright it's your body?" I'm guessing you would. Missy's suggestion about agreeing that if one person's objection was stronger than the other's desire, you wouldn't do it is great, but I don't think everyone has that awesome of an arrangement! I don't want tattoos but I do feel like if I really DID want one, I wouldn't want someone telling me I shouldn't get it, even if it was my spouse. That said, does my spouse have a right to ask me not to do it? It's just an interesting topic I guess that intrigued me

Oops, yes, if my husband wanted a tattoo and I didn't want him to get one, I'd voice my opinion, but it's his body. He gets the ultimate deciding vote, so to speak. I do like Missy's suggestion, too. I think that's what my husband would say.

 

[momhappy]

I think that it's one of those topics where a couple should have the ability to openly communicate about it. Altering one's physical appearance in any way can affect physical attraction. I think that while things like getting tattoos, having plastic surgery, shaving your head, gaining excessive weight, etc. are all within anyone's right to do to their own bodies, it still affects the other party in the relationship, so it deserves some communication.

 

[GreenBling]

I wanted one to celebrate my journey from a girl to woman to mother but hubby really really did not like the idea. It would be my decision to make but I felt that we are 'one' rather than two individuals and I knew that a permanent mark on my body would mean a big life event that excluded him. I gave up the idea in the end, not because he pressured me, rather I wanted 'us' to share every important thing in life. We eventually got a piece of jewelry which turned out to be just as meaningful.

 

[orbaya]

I got a tattoo in college on my left hip and I always forget I have it lol!

DH got a tattoo on the outside of ankle of an "M-dot"...the Ironman logo. He plans on adding something Hawaiian to it after he races in Kona, Hawaii.

 

[Niel]

i have lots, my SO has none. I wish he would get a nice one on his forearm, as i think that would be super sexy, but i dont think he ever will. His body, his rule, i guess.... but if, for example, he wanted to shave his beard, i would put up quite the stink.

I think maybe the same rules apply, if you really hate them... let him know his body, your right to put up a stink

 

[JaneSmith]

I thought this would be an interesting discussion. I'm not quite sure how I feel about the topic, but it came up in a Facebook group I belong to.

What do you do if your spouse wants a tattoo but you don't want them to get it? It is NOT a tattoo with any emotional significance (family death, name of child, etc.), just an image that they like. Obviously it's their body and you can't stop them, but being as it's a permanent alteration (unlike coloring or cutting one's hair for example), do you have any right to chime in?

Do I have a right to chime in? Absolutely! I'm not going to shut up and fester about something I don't like. I personally would have no problem with hubby getting a tattoo if it was'nt too gnarly, eg. on the face, or something grossly offensive.

 

[kenny]

I think the tattoo's quality is an important factor if you and your SO are debating getting one.
Some tattoos look like they were done in prison with a needle and ink drained out of a ball point pen.
Others are clearly created by highly talented artists.

Location is also important.
It can be anywhere from on a face or on the knuckles to a location that is not-visible unless showering.

 

[packrat]

Technically, any tattoo artist worth his salt will not tattoo heads/faces/necks/hands unless you are already heavily tattooed. And some of them will ask what your current profession is or if you plan to change careers-depending on what you do or plan to do, they may also refuse. Tattoos are much more mainstream now (when I got my first I was 18 and a senior in High School and people just went crazy over it, both good and bad) but still frowned upon in certain markets.

Gah, tattoo talk just makes me antsy for more. Dumb, b/c they fricken hurt but dangit I just love them.

 

[pandabee]

I got one shortly after I started dating DBF but it was one that I had wanted for a while and I found out a few years later when mentioning I might want another tattoo that he didn't really like them on girls. My current one is pretty small (only about a 1x1 inch square area) in a conspicuous place so I don't think it's a big deal. While I am all about "my body my rules" the fact that he did speak up and say that he didn't really like them on girls did make me think twice and I haven't really pursued getting a 2nd tattoo since then. Besides, I don't have too much more skin area that I would want to get tattooed, and I have too many ideas of what I would want and don't think they will all go well together

 

[jstarfireb]

I think one has the right to chime in, but then the other has the right to do whatever they want after taking these concerns into consideration. And I mean serious consideration...there needs to be an open line of communication when it comes to permanent physical alterations. For example, I'd like to get a boob job some day, but my husband is so against it that I've dropped the issue. In general he doesn't want me to alter my body through surgery, tattoos, additional piercings, cosmetic surgery, etc, although he doesn't seem to care that my ears are pierced. However, I have my heart set on getting some liposuction when I can afford it and can take time off of work for recovery, and nothing he says would ever stop me. He knows this and will be supportive when I eventually go down that road.

I do think there's a big difference between asking a partner NOT to alter their body (which is pretty kosher in my book) and asking one TO alter their body (which is not cool). Nobody should expect their partner to undergo a painful and potentially risky procedure (tattos, surgery, etc) just because they want their SO to look a certain way. That decision needs to come from the individual alone.

 

[loriken214]

DH and I have been through this and I won out. He doesn't care for tattoos and doesn't have any. I have 10 and intend to get lots more. Having been deathly afraid of needles my entire life, I didn't get my first tat until I became diagnosed with SLE Lupus 10 years ago. Having this illness has meant tons of blood work, surgeries, daily insulin injections and even passing away and having to go on life support and rehab. Having said that, I ENJOY getting tats and they are actually addictive now.

My rheumatologist had a fit when I started getting them, but I only go to one shop and they are old school. They've been in business for almost 35 years and I have never had any problems.

There are some things that DH likes to do, that I have no interest in, so I feel that we are even.

Live and let live!

Lori

 

[momhappy]

Live and live might be a nice sentiment, but I don't know if it would necessarily translate into real life. I love my SO and obviously I'm attracted to him just the way he is. If he went out and say, got 10 tattoos, I'm not so sure that I would find that sexy because I just don't think tattoos are attractive/sexy. I suppose the same would hold true for him - if I went out and got 10 plastic surgery procedures, I'm pretty sure he'd find that gross too. You can't help feelings of physical attraction (or lack there of). Maybe you could fake it, look past it, or grow to love it, but I suppose that would vary with each, individual person.