Do you think a DIL should be just like a daughter?

[PintoBean]

I like my inlaws...a lot. They're wonderful, warm, caring people. But they are not my parents. I think treating inlaws like a new set of parents trivializes the sacrifices your REAL parents have made, the unending love they have provided you with. It creeps me out a bit when people start calling their inlaws Mom and Dad.

Well said!

 

[PintoBean]

My parents are uber critical of me, esp. since I'm an only child. However, they go out of their way to be kind and considerate to my hubby b/c they want to build a relationship with him. For example, if they know he is coming by, they make sure to buy his favorite foods to send him home with. If I ask my mom, "what about me?", her response is, "You're an adult, you can go fend for yourself!" If hubby spends a $1 on my mom, she will give back $2.

That would annoy the hell out of me. If my mom did this, she may think she is building a relationship with her SIL but she would be really be breaking down the relationship with me, her daughter.

Not that I have to worry about that now, but still!

Yes, it is annoying, esp. for my husband. He gets upset when my parents get "critical" of me. I try to have a glass half-full perspective of this situation - at least they're nice to ONE of us - imagine if they went to town criticizing BOTH of us!!!

 

[erinl]

Thank you Amelia, that really helps. I don't think it is easy for people to understand what it is like to lose a cherished parent--especially one who was much too young--- unless they have gone through it as well. It is not their fault that there are a million things that happen that remind me of my mom and how much I wish she were here and how sad I am that she isn't here, but being obtuse to it all the time, is just being selfish and rude, imo.

 

[AmeliaG]

My parents are uber critical of me, esp. since I'm an only child. However, they go out of their way to be kind and considerate to my hubby b/c they want to build a relationship with him. For example, if they know he is coming by, they make sure to buy his favorite foods to send him home with. If I ask my mom, "what about me?", her response is, "You're an adult, you can go fend for yourself!" If hubby spends a $1 on my mom, she will give back $2.

That would annoy the hell out of me. If my mom did this, she may think she is building a relationship with her SIL but she would be really be breaking down the relationship with me, her daughter.

Not that I have to worry about that now, but still!

Yes, it is annoying, esp. for my husband. He gets upset when my parents get "critical" of me. I try to have a glass half-full perspective of this situation - at least they're nice to ONE of us - imagine if they went to town criticizing BOTH of us!!!

Yes, that would be annoying but that isn't what I meant. My mother was the most critical person I know of but she was an equal opportunity criticizer. No one was spared.

My beef with what your parents are doing is to bend over backwards doing nice things for your husband like making his favorite food to take home with him and then telling you to fend for yourself because you're an adult when you ask about them doing nice things for you.

I just can't believe a parent would bend so over backwards to make an IL feel welcome and then treat their own child so callously.

My parents and I would have a Come to Jesus meeting if that happened.

 

[PintoBean]

My parents are uber critical of me, esp. since I'm an only child. However, they go out of their way to be kind and considerate to my hubby b/c they want to build a relationship with him. For example, if they know he is coming by, they make sure to buy his favorite foods to send him home with. If I ask my mom, "what about me?", her response is, "You're an adult, you can go fend for yourself!" If hubby spends a $1 on my mom, she will give back $2.

That would annoy the hell out of me. If my mom did this, she may think she is building a relationship with her SIL but she would be really be breaking down the relationship with me, her daughter.

Not that I have to worry about that now, but still!

Yes, it is annoying, esp. for my husband. He gets upset when my parents get "critical" of me. I try to have a glass half-full perspective of this situation - at least they're nice to ONE of us - imagine if they went to town criticizing BOTH of us!!!

Yes, that would be annoying but that isn't what I meant. My mother was the most critical person I know of but she was an equal opportunity criticizer. No one was spared.

My beef with what your parents are doing is to bend over backwards doing nice things for your husband like making his favorite food to take home with him and then telling you to fend for yourself because you're an adult when you ask about them doing nice things for you.

I just can't believe a parent would bend so over backwards to make an IL feel welcome and then treat their own child so callously.

My parents and I would have a Come to Jesus meeting if that happened.

I hear ya!!! All I can do is recognize the hypocrisy and other bull-dinky and try to be a better parent and in-law. This is probably part of the attraction to my hubby. He is the opposite of my parents. There is no favoritism for him - he loves equally.

 

[Maisie]

I am about to become a mother in law and there is no way I could view this girl as my daughter. Not only because she has her own mother (I would never try and take her place) but I also don't like her at all.

 

[tammy77]

I think it honestly depends on the two women involved. A LOT comes down to personalities, cultural differences, etc.

When I was married for 10 yrs to my ex, I NEVER felt like my MIL loved me or wanted me around...because she didn't!

In my now and forever marriage to DH it's a totally different ball game. It didn't start out that way, heck my MIL was mad at my DH for "getting involved with a divorced woman that had children". Fast forward 3 yrs and I'm now closer to my MIL than I am to my biological mother. I don't call her mom, even though she is the first "mom" I call when I NEED to talk to someone. Its like my lips and throat close up when I try to call her "mom" because it's simply unnatural to say it to anyone other than my 'real' mother. I also know (though she'd never outright say it) that her biological daughter holds a higher place because she is HER DAUGHTER. I would never want to try to throw off that balance or come between them. She does often take my side over her son (my DH) though...

So basically I don't think a DIL "should" be just like a daughter, but it certainly is nice to feel loved and valued like a daughter by a MIL.

 

[LaraOnline]

I also wanted to comment on the idea that when a couple marry, it is a joining of two families (LaraOnline, I apologize for taking another of your statements. You just have a way of getting to the heart of the matter.) or a DIL is entering into her son's family. Our family had such different norms that it Is not even funny and although they seem cold, I cannot throw them off.

My mom definitely didn't believe in that and I'm having trouble too. Mind you, I've developed a close relationship with my SILs parents but that was totally unexpected.

I'm wondering if a lot of misunderstandings between ILs is that the MIL and DIL/SIL come into things with totally different expectations of how their relationship should work. For example, if you believe that with a marriage, two families are joined, it must be hard to find a common ground with an IL who doesn't. Or if you, as a MIL, have the expectation that your new DIL is joining your family and she doesn't see the need to be anything but polite and try to work smoothly with you the same as she would a not so close co-worker, there are a lot of opportunities for misunderstandings.

Just musing here because I think that the source of a LOT of misunderstanding comes from not knowing the assumptions/beliefs the other person has regarding IL relationships and if we knew that, we wouldn't necessarily agree but we would understand each other more.

I think the in law relationship is often a very difficult one, because the change is such a biggie, for parents and newlyweds alike.

In some ways it is refreshing to know that it CAN work out for some families.

I feel very bad reading some of the stories on this thread - especially for Erin and Missy - because really if a mil has not the depth of character or an intelligent approach, it can be difficult, I can see.

My own mother always called her mil 'Mum', which probably set me off on my own 'path of assumption' regarding how I should treat the mother of my husband.

Of course, it helps immensely that my own mil is incredibly humble (I used to think her quite boring, she is so humble) , helpful, and considerate. If only all mils could be so!

 

[JaneSmith]

I will admit I have problems as I lost my mom before I got married-- my mom was much too young to go, and the hurt is constantly there. She would have been the best MIL and grandmother in the world. She was so excited about the idea, yet put no pressure on us to start our families. We found some things she had secretly put away for her grandkids and not one of us was even close to having kids when she died, so that hurts so much.

This made me tear up. I'm so sorry you lost your mum, especially before you married and had kids.
AmeliaG, I'm sorry for you too. Hugs to both.

I am a mother-in-law who welcomed my son-in-law as a new son. Naturally there is no way to love a child's spouse to the degree you love your own children, but I make sure we spend as much on his gifts as we do our children and that kind of visible thing. I do not have a daughter-in-law, but I certainly would not expect that her relationship with me would be just like with her mother! I think that is a stretch to even think that is possible. But I would hope to have a loving, respectful relationship with the spouses of any of my children. And if one of my kids was the one at fault in a serious situation such as an affair (which I hope would never happen), I would still love them unconditionally, but I certainly wouldn't take their side. That is ridiculous.

This is excellent.



We live far from hubby's parents and very very far from mine. It helps.

I don't think anyone should form a close relationship with their inlaws. One should be friendly and respectful at first, and if something blossoms, great. If an inlaw turns out to be an insane shrieking harpy who lies constantly, whines 'poor me' at the drop of a hat, and even does something to endanger the health of your tiny baby then you can feel quite good about cutting them out of your life.
I love my parents and we see them once a year. I love my step-MIL, loathe the MIL, tolerate the SIL, like the BIL. My hubby likes my family and vice versa.
I don't think of anyone but my mum and dad as parents, same for hubby.

 

[decodelighted]

I'm wondering if a lot of misunderstandings between ILs is that the MIL and DIL/SIL come into things with totally different expectations of how their relationship should work. For example, if you believe that with a marriage, two families are joined, it must be hard to find a common ground with an IL who doesn't. Or if you, as a MIL, have the expectation that your new DIL is joining your family and she doesn't see the need to be anything but polite and try to work smoothly with you the same as she would a not so close co-worker, there are a lot of opportunities for misunderstandings.

THISSSSSSSS!!!!!! So so so very much THIS. NO ONE should go into that relationship assuming how it will be. "Should" be. Every relationship in life develops at its own speed and CANNOT BE FORCED. If you pretend -- you're really a liar. If you're faking it -- you're a fraud. Relationships are a dance between two people and sometimes there just aren't compatible rhythms.

 

[JaneSmith]

This is a little off topic and I'm about to out myself as bit odd, but I've always thought it was weird to refer to my hubby's family as mother in law, father in law, etc. If these people are mother and father, if his siblings are my sister and brother in law, then is my husband a kind of brother?!?
It's always given me a slightly squicky feeling. I call them by their first names and refer to them as hubby's mum, brother, etc. I never say "my mother in law". It sounds so off to me.
I don't feel this way when others refer to their spouse's parents as mother or father in law. It's just me, and my inlaws.
I know, I'm odd. Carry on.

 

[zoebartlett]

This is a little off topic and I'm about to out myself as bit odd, but I've always thought it was weird to refer to my hubby's family as mother in law, father in law, etc. If these people are mother and father, if his siblings are my sister and brother in law, then is my husband a kind of brother?!?
It's always given me a slightly squicky feeling. I call them by their first names and refer to them as hubby's mum, brother, etc. I never say "my mother in law". It sounds so off to me.
I don't feel this way when others refer to their spouse's parents as mother or father in law. It's just me, and my inlaws.
I know, I'm odd. Carry on.

I've never thought about it that way but I see what you mean.

Other than here, I don't refer to my inlaws as such. I say "________'s mom/dad, brothers/sisters, nieces/nephews."

 

[soocool]

My iLs hated me from the getgo because I was a nationality other than theirs. They hated my family too. I tried being nice to them but they were mean to me at all family gatherings.My MIL wished me dead. She caused me so much stress that I am sure that is was caused me to get very sick. She was happy when my mother passed away and sad to say that I was extremely happy when that evil woman died. After I got sick my husband finally got the message and "disowned" them. He realized through therapy how toxic they were to us all. FIL is in a nursing home since BIL refused to take him in. DH still does not speak to his brother and does not want to. DH is very close to my father and calls him Dad (his parents hated that) .

My sister's MIL is an angel. She treats my sister like a cherished friend, not a mother. They are extremely close, in fact, her MIL is extremely close to our entire family and always invites us to all family functions and vice versa. My sister calls her and her husband by their first names . MIL told her to call them whatever she fills comfortable with. They even take my dad out to go bowling once a week since my mom passed away.

Now my sister is a MIL and her DIL calls her by her first name and treats her the same way her own MIL treats her. In fact they have gotten even closer since the baby was born over a year ago. DD and I are even close with her. Her own mother is always way too busy to help her with anything ( the woman does not work or do anything) and never includes my sister in any family events though my sister always extends an invitation to her. Therefore my sister's DIL usually hosts events to include both sides of the family.

 

[justginger]

I am sorry for all of you who have lost your mothers and have had to travel the road of life without them. I struggle from time to time with mine being 35 hours of flights away, but there are emails and phone calls. It can be difficult though, being expected to seamlessly merge into DH's family because mine, with all my traditions, are on the other side of the world. It means Thanksgivings for two -- or this year, we're going out for wings and beer with a few other expats.

 

[rubybeth]

My MIL and I don't get along all that well, but it's difficult because she has multiple issues, including a personality disorder, that make her highly critical, and so she holds everyone to an impossible standard. DH is her only child, and she's never been married. Even though I consider myself to be a pretty good catch, that's not how she initially saw it. I was stealing her baby, of course. She very nearly did not come to our wedding, because DH's dad was going to be there with his new wife.

DH has been awesome about creating healthy boundaries with his mom, and he definitely prioritizes my feelings over hers, which may seem hurtful to her, but most of the time, she is not being rational to begin with. My mom, on the other hand, just loves DH! If my parents had a son, I think they both imagine he would have been like my husband, so when he started hanging out with the whole family, he fit right in. He even gets along great with my more eccentric extended family members. We regularly go and spend time at my parents' house, just hanging out, having dinner, watching the news, talking about work, current events, whatever, and my DH genuinely enjoys it. I find that kind of bizarre, but he has insisted that he truly feels more comfortable with my family than he does with his own. Too much drama there to be able to relax!

 

[gem_anemone]

I can only relate to this question from the perspective of DIL. I voted "no" because I consider my MIL to be my friend, not my mother. I'm friends with my mom too, but it's still slightly different. I don't mean to be rude, but I honestly don't understand what the MIL who thinks a DIL should be "just a like a daughter" really expects from her DIL. I am friendly with my MIL and I like her, but she just isn't my mom. My mom has known me my whole life and she understands me. Just talking to her sometimes makes me feel better. My MIL just doesn't have the same affect. No offense to her. I like her, but she's just not the first person that pops into my head when I want to talk. I have a mom, husband, brothers, best friends etc. that I typically go to first. Just because I married my MIL's son, doesn't instantly make her an important person in my life. I think that can happen, eventually, but slowly. For me, I am not to that point with my MIL.

My MIL lives many states away from us. I chat with my MIL around important dates and let her know if anything out of the ordinary is going on with my husband and me. I'm probably better at doing that than he is. MIL and I sent a lot of emails back and forth when my husband and I first started getting serious. We did that because it was important for us to get to know each other better. We still chat occasionally, but probably not as often as I chat with my own mother. Since my MIL is so far away it's not like I go shopping with her or have frequent dinners with her. My mom and I live 15 minutes from each other. I don't even go shopping with her all that often either. My mom and I for the most part live our own lives and see each other every few weeks when we get the family together. We talk more often than we get together. I think if my MIL lived closer that we would get together too, so in all reality I feel like I treat my MIL just like any other close family member, but we don't hang out physically because she is not here. That said, I don't really feel the same way about other family members as I do about my mom, so that is why my MIL is not my mom.

This was really hard to explain my feelings. Hope it wasn't too long.

 

[isaku5]

Thankfully, our DIL is just close to us as our daughter. She and our son have been married for 20 years and they have raised our wonderful

17 year old granddaughter. As long as they're happy so am I and I don't have to 'fake it' either

I'd love ton have a similar relationship with our SIL, but we're still working on that one.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

No, I don't a DIL should be like a daughter and I think it's important to not get too close or it can bite you in the butt at some point!

 

[princesss]

It's definitely not something I think has to happen, though I'm sure it's nice when it does. I was lucky enough to have a great relationship with my ex's family and I really valued that, but it's not something I would expect and I especially wouldn't expect it right off the bat. There are a lot of people that just don't click, and I don't see trying to force a relationship where there isn't a good basis for it other than "I'm going to see you a few times a year and you are important to somebody I love." Personally, I think that's enough. I think it's enough to be pleasant and polite and encourage their relationship with your partner, but I definitely wouldn't go into a marriage expecting my husband's mother to become like a second mom.

 

[OneFifty]

My MIL lives across the state, so I don't get to do the shopping and general hanging out. However, we get together enough for us to have a good relationship. I am extremely blessed that she is wonderful and we have no issues. I believe the same would be true if we lived in the same city. I'm not sure I would classify our relationship as the same as she has with her daughter, but she treats me exactly the same as the other in-laws (wonderfully) and doesn't make a distinction when we are all together. DH's step mother is a whole different story. I don't really know her very well and I hear she can be difficult at times. Since we live out of town, I haven't experienced much of that.

I am also lucky that I went to college with DH's brother and his sister lived in our city for a few years, so I got to know them much better than most with DH's family in another city.

As for my family with DH, I think they like him more than they like me. We just go over to their house and hang out quite often and we all get along.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I think the sticking point is "should" because my answer is no, they are under no obligation. I do think that "can" is certainly an option though

I've known my mother in law since I was 5 and my husband was 3 so, 37 years now. We've been married for over 21. She babysat me when I was little and took on a very truly mothering role, taking me on family trips etc. My sister in law and I are each other's oldest friends. We went to kindergarten together and were at times vicious rivals. When my dh and I got married all hell broke loose. I was "demoted" from one of the family to an in-law. My oldest friend suddenly thought she could tell me how to be with my husband etc. Thankfully we lived far, far away from everyone for years and established our own foundation, our own traditions etc. Now that we live much closer and see them almost once a month, everyone has long settled into the fact that we've been married as long as my inlaws were when we got married and that we are a unit. My own mom died 13 years ago and I don't feel like my mil has replaced her in any way, but I do think that a MIL/DIL relationship *can be a very special one. Your husband can never be your mother either, and yet you love him. You never love your best friend like you do your own mom, but again, the relationship can be wonderful and special.

I think if a MIL accepts that you are the new steward in your husband's life, that the two of you are forging out making your own decisions, and a DIL accepts that it is only natural to want to advise the couple (even after 21 years lol) and the MIL understands that giving advise and expecting them to take it are mutually exclusive things, that a MIL/DIL relationship can flourish into something as special as any other love that you have for another person. But it will never be *just* like a mother or a daughter. Now, my inlaws and myself are in a wonderful place where I am grateful for the love and honest acceptance (I cannot hide my flaws like some DILs since my MIL saw me at my worst as a child lol) that they give.

Ultimately I think trying to compare a daughter in law to a daughter is about as backwards as trying to compare a wife to a mother.

ETA: The last time I saw my sil (last month) she remarked that dh had lived with me longer than he'd lived with them (he joined the military at 18 and married me at 19) and she got this look on her face like something clicked. Like maybe - just *maybe* - I actually knew her brother better than her now lol

 

[AmeliaG]

This made me tear up. I'm so sorry you lost your mum, especially before you married and had kids.
AmeliaG, I'm sorry for you too. Hugs to both.

Thanks for the hugs, Jane. I just miss her every day.

Erini, have you tried telling your MIL how she sounds sometimes? Prolly so, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

 

[erinl]

Jane,

Thanks so much for the thoughts. It has been over ten years now, so it isn't fresh, but my having kids has made it tough. And we have been clearing out our parents house for several years and that adds to the stress.

Amelia,

I met my husband a few months after my mom died (5?) and was invited to family dinners shortly after meeting my husband, so this has been ongoing for a long time. Sometimes I have a very good relationship with her, and I have spoken about my mom to her in different contexts and she has been understanding and helpful. But the holidays have always been difficult and she and my SIL seem to act their worst then.It is their way or the highway. It is just my husband, SIL, and MIL, and always has been. My husband is completely ill equipped to help me on this and it creates problems every year between the two of us. MIL is not the kind of person you would have an open convo about this. The times my husband has said anything to her have caused a ****storm, and I think my saying anything would create the same effect.

 

[Polished]

Hi erinl,
I have a similar situation to you. My mother died when my eldest daughter was turning one. She was the most amazing mother and grandmother, a person who had put a high priority into developing a lovely character and we were exceptionally close. My MIL is still alive 20 years later and although she loves us, she is not an easy person to have a relationship with. Events in her life led her to feel powerless but she has a stong personality and this manifests itself in constantly needing power over others, frequently saying hurtful things and then later saying somthing lame to make herself feel better about what she originally said. My FIL is a saint and thoroughly dependable human being. A couple of things I learned. Firstly, don't expect in laws to take on, or understand, your grief in any major way, they can't and really why should they. Secondly, I feel really fortunate to have experienced, with my own mother, such a contrasting relationship. Just to know and have experienced a much more meaningful, healthy and special relationship is something doesn't leave you and I believe it can equip you to deal with more challenging relationships that come come our way.

 

[erinl]

I am about to become a mother in law and there is no way I could view this girl as my daughter. Not only because she has her own mother (I would never try and take her place) but I also don't like her at all.

Is she rude or disrespectful to you? Does she treat your son poorly or take advantage of him? You look so young in your picture yourself (probably my age and I have a 2 year old!) that i cannot imagine that your future DIL could be much more than 18. I was a pretty "good" girl, by man, I just get so embarrassed when I think of the things I used to think and say, how life and different experiences temper how I view the world. I used to know everything and be so right! Unless she is really immoral or treats your son terribly, maybe give her a little slack based on age? just my humble opinion, please don't take offense....

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think saying your MIL should be like your mom or DIL, your daughter is an awful lot of pressure. I have had many ups and downs with my own MIL. I have accepted long ago that we are very different people. She is not my ideal MIL and I am sure I am not her ideal DIL. We have an understanding now. We are polite, even friendly, but I would not say we were BFFs or have anything close to a mother/daughter relationship. She has her own daughter and I have my own, wonderful mom.I am completely okay with how we have evolved.

 

[bobbin]

I voted no. In my own experience, my in-laws seemed to skip the step of getting to know me and went straight to treating me like a daughter. But this is problematic as it did not allow us to develop a strong enough relationship, history and intimacy to have a daughter-parent relationship. This has lead to numerous problems as I feel that they are not interested in me or like me for who I am, rather that they like their idea of who a daughter-in-law should be, if that makes sense? And also that I feel that they are overbearing quite a lot as they assume the parent-knows-best position with me and my opinions, when they don't have that relationship or the knowledge of me or our lives to do so.

I think that a very close relationship can develop between MIL and DIL, but it has to be a naturally evolving relationship, it cannot be forced.

 

[Gypsy]

Amelia, not sure why your mom feels the need to start out relationships with her daughter in laws like that. Seems a bit hostile and at the very least not too welcoming. From my perspective at least.

That's what I thought, too, when I read your post, Amelia.

I agree. I think this is just asking for trouble. There is 'establishing healthy boundaries' and then there is 'alienating from the get go' and this is much more the later.

 

[AmeliaG]

I hear what you all are saying but it didn't really make a difference to their relationship in the long run. My BIL, who was most taken aback, developed the closest relationship with Mom. My sister-in-law who had a personality conflict with her never warmed up to her. I don't know if my SIL had problems with mom's statement; but she definitely had problems with mom's personality which would have come out regardless.

It's a mystery, but like LaraOnline I find I am inheriting some attitudes from my Mom.

 

[Maisie]

I am about to become a mother in law and there is no way I could view this girl as my daughter. Not only because she has her own mother (I would never try and take her place) but I also don't like her at all.

Is she rude or disrespectful to you? Does she treat your son poorly or take advantage of him? You look so young in your picture yourself (probably my age and I have a 2 year old!) that i cannot imagine that your future DIL could be much more than 18. I was a pretty "good" girl, by man, I just get so embarrassed when I think of the things I used to think and say, how life and different experiences temper how I view the world. I used to know everything and be so right! Unless she is really immoral or treats your son terribly, maybe give her a little slack based on age? just my humble opinion, please don't take offense....

No offense take

She is very disrespectful and rude. She seems to be putting her foot down where my son is concerned and staking her claim as his future wife. She can have him. I was glad when he moved out! Its all very sad and I don't even want to attend their wedding It all started when she said her mother will be her bridesmaid. I dared to say that was quite nontraditional and she blew a fuse. Now I can't say anything without her jumping on me. So there is hardly any contact. I don't call my son as she is always having a go in the background.

They decided to bring their wedding forward when they found out my other daughter was getting married in May. I told my son that we probably can't attend in May because my husband starts his new job around then and wouldn't be able to take time off for both weddings (and Ash had booked first) So they booked 4th May. Says it all really