I want so badly to feel better

[Abby12]

My first divorce was so different and the sad thing is i believe he was a nicer guy!
I feel dead and i am longing to feel normal again. I am normally a pretty fiesty person, bit for whatever reason all of this has left me acting like someone else.
Does it get easier week by week or month by month?
It has only been 2 weeks since it was FINAL FINAL.
I am seeing a therapist next week to help me through.
Just venting to ths PS world about my slump.
If anyone has any get better quick remedies, i am open to suggestions.
I am trying to keep busy, but i find i am not really present.....kind of dazed.

 

[Gypsy]

Hi Honey. I haven't been divorced. But I have dealt with grief and had some tough times in my relationships.

It gets better. It takes time and you have to make sure you have a good therapist (does your therapist do CBT-- google it if you don't know what it is). And you have to just take it day by day.

I think venting is healthy. And we are all here for you. ((HUGS)) and I'm sorry this is happening.

 

[Enerchi]

There is nothing quick, Abby. Time takes Time.

Keeping busy (easier said than done...), getting outside of your home/office, being with people, doing something for others are all ideas but it can't turn off your head or your heart.

It WILL get easier, it really will, but right now, you just can't see it. Who can you call and just hang out with?? This is the time to pull in all your available resources...

Dazed is normal. At least you are not sitting in your 4 walls going stir crazy - that alone is a big step! Hang in there... we are ALWAYS here! {{{HUG}}}

 

[OneFifty]

Abby - I have been following your journey since you began posting here. I know you are trying to stay busy and that is a great thing. What are you doing? Try something new. Take a class, join a gym. Something to keep you occupied. Get healthy, learn a new skill.

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and hope that things begin to get better.

 

[movie zombie]

of course you feel dazed.
but it took time to get into this situation and its going to take time to get out of it.
start reading some books before you get to the therapist....women who love to much comes to mind.
start visualizing your future.
personally, i love the fall time of year: get out and walk.
i believe you said there is no family, what about friends?
books and movies, physical exercise, gardening [find a community garden and help with fall clean up].
call a crisis line.
try to rewrite the tapes in your mind to "this is the first day of my new life and these are the things i want and am going to have in my life".

its trite but true: this too shall pass.

 

[Cluless]

Hi Abby, sorry you're having such a difficult time with this. Go by an animal shelter if you have a chance, those little critters sure have a way of filling that empty hole, their love is certainly unconditional. Thinking of you and praying that you find each day gets a little easier as you get stronger xo

 

[armywife13]

Abby, I have been following your situation but haven't posted until now. I am so sorry for everything going on. I agree with others, there isn't a quick fix, but staying busy and trying to keep your mind off of it will help. What about getting together with your friend for dinner, movies, spa days, ect. I think you need some decompression time, and spending time with friends/family might help to do that. (((hugs)))

 

[Skippy123]

sending feel better thoughts and hugs your way; I am sorry.

 

[yennyfire]

All of the suggestions that have been made are good ones. Those are the kinds of things I did when I was in the midst of my divorce. Volunteer if you have the spare time...pick something you are passionate about (or used to be)....Habitat for Humanity, a pet rescue organization, volunteer at a library if you love books...find positive things to fill your time. It will probably be a while before you desire alone time again, so don't give yourself too much of it, other than to sleep.

Many, many hugs...you will make it to the other side.

 

[AmeliaG]

1. Keep your appointment with your therapist. Don't schedule anything right before or right after the appointment so you can arrive a little early and stay for the entire session. Deal with any potential schedule conflicts beforehand. Make your appointment your top priority of the week.

2. Start a list of questions and thoughts to share with your therapist. Don't over-think the items at first; just write them down as they occur to you. You can prioritize a lengthy list a day or two in advance to make sure you cover the most important items with your therapist but that's all the editing you need.

3. On the list, include at least one thing you'd like to get from the initial session and where you'd like to be at the end of your series of sessions. Don't worry if your goals are unrealistic. Your therapist can give you a reality check but its important for him(her) to know what you expect from your time together.

3. Once you write an item on the list, try not to think about it until you talk to your therapist. This can be hard; it requires self-discipline. When I've started to worry about an item already on my list, I've had to tell myself sternly, 'You're going to talk to your therapist about this. Worrying will get you nowhere.' This, more than anything else, has made me feel better.

4. Have faith to act on your plans and make things better. You can always take stock and change course later but give yourself a chance to try a course of action and see what happens.

5. Feeling good about yourself is less dependent on having a good outcome from your divorce and more about feeling good about your actions to take care of yourself every step of the way. Regardless of the outcome of your divorce, you can leave with the confidence of your ability to take care of yourself.

6. As others have suggested, plan something nice for yourself every day. I prefer to take a 15-20 minute walk in a different area each day, kind of like an exploration, but you can plan a quick visit to a shop, eat your lunch outside or anything else that you really look forward to. It doesn't have to be a big deal - 10 or 15 minutes a day can brighten your mood.

7. With the liklihood of your husband acting like a jerk, you need to build up as many positive interactions with other people as possible to offset the influence his behavior can have on you. Tim Rath says we need 25 positive interactions to offset one negative interaction. It can be pleasant banter at the coffee cooler, shooting the breeze with the checkout girl at the grocery store, etc. a telephone call to a really supportive friend. Don't worry if you can't reach 25 positive interactions - I haven't - but I've found my mood has brightened when I've at least tried. I make it a light-hearted game with myself.

8. If you're a morning person, start a journal. Just writing three pages a day first thing in the morning can really clear your thinking. You can share the most important insights from your journal with your therapist. One warning: If you're living in the house with your husband, destroy the pages as soon as you're done writing them. You don't need him to find them but just because he's there is no reason not to write. Just destroy the pages once you're done with them. Any important thought will re-surface in a later day's journal.

9. Don't worry if you can't do everything on the list. Do as many as you can and feel good about what you've done, no matter how little it seems at first. As many others have written, it takes time. Learn to celebrate small successes. The big ones will come later. Have faith in yourself.

P.S. Sorry this is so long. I'm also writing this for myself because I've had a difficult time lately. I can attest it really does work if you give it a try.

 

[Abby12]

AmeliaG
Whatever your situation is, i hope it gets better soon for you.....
I have started writing in my journal again.
I will start running again
I am keeping busy with friends and my sister
I have a really cute dog

 

[AmeliaG]

Thanks Abby, I'm sure it will; it just takes time.

I do have to repeat my warning to tear up your journal pages if you're still living with your husband. I've heard the worst horror stories of journals being found and used against their writers in a divorce. If you can't bring yourself to tear up the pages, at the very least, don't keep your journal at home. Maybe lock it in your desk at work.

Hope things get better for you too.

 

[justginger]

I think I must be in the vast minority - when I went through my extremely painful divorce (on the other side of the world from my friends and family), do you know what I did for the first month? Mourned. Grieved. I laid on the couch and watched sad movies, read sad books, and cried with my dogs for HOURS. I received all the same "get out there and embrace a new life!" advice. It wasn't for me. I needed 4-6 weeks to work out my own emotions, not push them to the side for a therapist to handle. After I had literally cried myself out, properly grieved for the future I had lost, THEN I could slowly start doing the things that made me happy - new hobbies, new friends, parties and socializing.

You have to cut yourself a break. 2 weeks after it was over, I didn't feel even a microscopic smidge better. Try allowing yourself to be as upset as you really are for a while - it's not something that can be "fixed," just endured. It will work its way out of your system and then you'll feel more present for all of the fun, life-rebuilding stuff.

BIG hugs.

 

[mrs jam]

Great advice here! Even though it might not feel like it right now, you WILL get through this.

Take the time and make the effort to be kind to yourself. When I was going through a difficult breakup, I treated myself to a weekly massage. It sounds trivial, but it helped me to restore myself once a week. Treat yourself to small, inexpensive luxuries, like a vase full of fresh flowers. This time of year, I love to buy fall-scented candles. I'm currently burning Yankee Candle's scent "Autumn Leaves." Buy a stack of books and magazines to enjoy and peruse during your leisure. Do little things to be sweet to yourself because I know you feel beat-up right now. It will get better; I promise!

 

[Abby12]

Justginger

I am trying to do a combo of what you did and keep busy. What i mean is that you really do need to let it all out and cry til you have no more tear left to really be able to grieve and then move on. I have to go to work so i do need to have some composure. But i do agree that fully grieving is what will allow one to move forward. I just find i cannot be alone all the time as that just makes the time go by very slowly. I went for a long walk tonight with my dog and i find it helps in one way, but in another way i find it also makes me think a lot because everything is just so quiet......either way, i know exercise is good for the mind.
On a side note: i still have not heard a word about what is going on with our agreement or anything at all.
No idea why........

 

[justginger]

Yes, I worked as well - I was my dazed, "sorta there but not really" self. No crying though - that was saved for home. Only you know what feels right (well, less crappy) for you. I just wanted to put forth that some people aren't capable of getting out there straight away and actually require serious mourning time first, and that's ok too. You really will come out the other side of this a better, stronger person. It just massively sucks along the way.

 

[AmeliaG]

I had literally cried myself out, properly grieved for the future I had lost.

justginger, I did all the bitching, complaining, feeling sorry for myself, grieving too - but I confined it to my journal and therapy sessions. I once joked to my therapist that I really appreciated our 'bitch' sessions.

I think it depends on someone's personality. For me, it wasn't wise to let myself go in unlimited grief over a period of weeks. Heck, it wasn't wise to let myself do it for one day.

But having an outlet to grieve and let yourself feel all your emotions is important. For me, the outlet needed to be contained.

 

[Abby12]

Justginger! Holy crap balls i love your new ring! Did you buy this for yourself?!

 

[justginger]

Yes, I bought Poppy for myself, with my own money. My husband supported the purchase though (said terrible divorce was from my first husband, almost 7 years ago now). Maybe you can spend some time thinking and planning for the next piece of beautiful jewelry for yourself? You'll need a reward at the end of such a trying time.

 

[Abby12]

I would love to save for a fun purchase, if my lovely jack @ss does not take money from me.
Still do not know......

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Grief is a tough, long, and usually painful process. A divorce is similar to a death. You had dreams with this person. The life you thought you were going to have is not gonna happen. At least not like you imagined. Here is the thing about grief. You cannot rush through the process. You cannot ignore your feelings. No one can rescue you from them. You have to validate the loss. You have to experience the uncomfortable feelings without becoming a slave to them. You have to adjust to your new normal. Sounds like you are firmly planted in the anger stage. Anger gives temporary structure to your pain. However it can be damaging and a good therapist will help you move out of this stage. I am sorry you are going through this. I believe you will grow out of this experience and learn more about yourself and what you need in a future relationship.

ETA: you have to believe that you won't always feel this way. Every good feeling and every bad feeling passes. That's the way life is. Right now you are at a low point but I know that with time, work (b/c any change takes work), and faith this feeling is TEMPORARY.

 

[cnspotts]

Abby, I've also been following your posts, so very sorry that you've gone through a difficult time such as you have leaving you feeling as you are. As you said you want to feel normal. Start there and define what is normal for you. Who counts on you each day and handle that first. Pay your bills and feed yourself, shower & get up off the sofa. Do you have pets? Take care of them. Clean your house and get to work. Whatever your normal day is go through it even if it is just going through the motions because in time time will pass and you'll be who you were handling the things that need to be taken care of.

I don't usually tell my story, its not real pretty. I have been divorced 4 times. Briefly the 1st beat me 6 weeks after we married. Over. 2nd one treated me like a child after we had ours....yeah, done at 5 more years of that. 3rd one liked **** more than me and wondered why I wouldnt do what he was seeing online. Finished. #4 went back to his ex wife when she came into a bunch of money 3 weeks after we got married....oh, and he gave me herpes. Nice.

I'm fine. I'm happy, I'm not mad and I have my life....everybit of it the way I want to live it. Good riddens. As it turns out #3 and I are better friends, we lasted the longest and actually developed a decent friendship, we stopped blaming each other and currently talk daily and mountain bike ride together. We've reach a point where we hope to meet other people but at least we're finally decent to each other.

Each and everytime I did what I had to do each day to move forward. My friends all want to know why I am not in bed, crying and screaming. It's just not for me. I did some therapy but I always found I got much more out of just getting through daily tasks and finding something that pleased me.

#1, I opened a business
#2, concentrated on my pets, horses, and child, changed careers and moved across country
#3, bought & renovated a house, traveled, got a boyfriend
#4, concentrated on mountain biking, just got braces again, more travel & hanging out with #3, dumped the boyfriend!

The way I see it, screw him for messing up your dreams...........now get on with them!

 

[Mayk]

Abby,

I've been following you too.... wanting to say something but you have gotten so much great advice..

I will just tell you I was divorced in 2006 and afterwards I was a walking disaster... I lost a ton of weight and I couldn't get myself together... and I was all of the sudden a single parent with a child that had a few extra health challenges and a absentee dad...

I got myself in counseling.. I was always a cyclist but I started a new workout routine (that I am still doing today and I swear it changed me.. Body Pump.. my attitude and my body and my confidence).. a year after my divorce I met the most amazing man ever put on this earth and I have never ever ever been happier or felt more "at peace" with where I am.. and "at peace" with my decision to leave which I did a number on myself over planning to go and then actually going...

So take your time, find a way to focus your energy on you.. get healthy and get help when you need it... and learn from this and give yourself a chance to heal.. you will. Time is your best friend!

 

[Abby12]

The stories and words of encouragement this forum has to offer really do motivate me.
I thank you all for that. Everyone has a story. I know mine will make me a different person.
I will learn, i will grow. There is a plan for me, i just do not know what it is yet......