StacylikesSparkles
Brilliant_Rock
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Gypsy|1336109028|3187213 said:
Wow..this is a SMART thing to do! He won't suspect anything and you're getting her a message. I love this idea!!
How can I sit by and watch?
- Thread starter snow12
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Wow..this is a SMART thing to do! He won't suspect anything and you're getting her a message. I love this idea!!
Gypsy
Super_Ideal_Rock
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snow12|1336140593|3187405 said:
Give her all three. Don't give her one. You want to bury him in paper so he doesn't suspect there is a smoking gun in there. If you buy one, he'll look at the jacket cover. He's controlling. Buy her all three and tell her it's a trilogy that was highly recommended. If you can't get them in paperback, then find a used book store or a half priced books. If you can't, just buy all of them full priced (I would) and TELL HER you got them used (she won't know).
((HUGS))
movie zombie
Super_Ideal_Rock
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100% agree that it needs to be all 3 books.....not only to fool him but to make sure she doesn't feel "preached" at.
this guy is being so successful at isolating her that i'd look for escalation in his abuse within the next year.
you don't have to sit by and watch this. keep what contact you have with her going. make sure she knows that if she ever needs you, you are there for her. if he isn't already checking her text messages, he will be. make sure you say nothing inflammatory about him and just say you're wishing her a happy day, happy birthday, saw something in a color she likes and were thinking of her, etc. any mention of him and he'll use it as ammo against you.
good luck.
this guy is being so successful at isolating her that i'd look for escalation in his abuse within the next year.
you don't have to sit by and watch this. keep what contact you have with her going. make sure she knows that if she ever needs you, you are there for her. if he isn't already checking her text messages, he will be. make sure you say nothing inflammatory about him and just say you're wishing her a happy day, happy birthday, saw something in a color she likes and were thinking of her, etc. any mention of him and he'll use it as ammo against you.
good luck.
Gypsy
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movie zombie|1336232273|3188154 said:
Great point MZ. There's a big difference in giving someone a trilogy that has one book that might be oddly relevant. And saying "oh one of the ladies on my favorite website was recommending it and I thought you might like it." Rather than giving her a single book with a pointed meaning.
I will get all three then. good thinking!
My family came out to visit me this weekend and Amy was supposed to be there for my younger brothers birthday dinner and to have cake with us later at my apartment but she said that her and Josh were just going to hangout together that night at their apartment. I know its because Josh didn't want to have her out of sight even though we never specified who was invited. We never said AMY ONLY so I don't understand. My parents have been like second parents to her for over ten years. I know now Josh doesn't want her near my family either. Its just sad since my family hasn't seen Amy in 8 or 9 months. One time Amy's parents had her car towed all they back to her hometown because her parents weren't happy she moved away with a girl friend of hers. My parents went and picked her up and helped her move all of her stuff home because she had to move home and her family wasn't going to help.
My family came out to visit me this weekend and Amy was supposed to be there for my younger brothers birthday dinner and to have cake with us later at my apartment but she said that her and Josh were just going to hangout together that night at their apartment. I know its because Josh didn't want to have her out of sight even though we never specified who was invited. We never said AMY ONLY so I don't understand. My parents have been like second parents to her for over ten years. I know now Josh doesn't want her near my family either. Its just sad since my family hasn't seen Amy in 8 or 9 months. One time Amy's parents had her car towed all they back to her hometown because her parents weren't happy she moved away with a girl friend of hers. My parents went and picked her up and helped her move all of her stuff home because she had to move home and her family wasn't going to help.
movie zombie
Super_Ideal_Rock
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always be specific in the invite and make sure he is included. otherwise, he's been given further evidence that the family is against him, he is wanted, he's being excluded. he's a gamer.....you and your family have to be gamers, too. all invites should be made in the presence of both Amy and Josh and to both of them as a couple.......again, she will only believe him unless she has demonstrated proof that it is otherwise. however, given what you've said, please remember these are her choices, she is an adult, she has a history of abuse, and to expect her to be healthy and seeking a healthy relationship at this point is perhaps unreasonable. she is emotionally damaged and i'm betting that's why he's with her in the first place 'cause he knows he can do this. its a power trip for him.
just make sure you're prepared to call him on his crap should he ever touch you again!
just make sure you're prepared to call him on his crap should he ever touch you again!
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This guy sounds like a real.......winner.
I say this first because I want you to know exactly where I am coming from when I answer the very title to your question. "How can you sit by and watch?" You can because you are her dear friend. You love her. And you will undoubtedly outlast this horrid relationship of hers. Here is my question to you, what do you honestly expect to happen if you have some kind of heart to heart with her? She has seen the writing on the wall already. Her man has heartlessly compared her to other women on a spreadsheet, felt up her best friend, isolated her from everyone she knows, and has probably done many other things that you haven't even heard about yet. The fact of the matter is that she hasn't reached her threshold of pain to leave yet...period.
There is a small voice inside all of us and it tells us when something is so utterly wrong. That voice may just be whispering for her or it might be screaming...but either way, she isn't ready.
Whatever you do, don't alienate yourself from her too. She will need you someday...count on it. If you want to share your opinion of her situation, please do it from the softest place in your heart. If you attack him, you might lose her. I say, proceed with caution... I am not saying don't say anything...just think things through very carefully.
wishing you wisdom...
I say this first because I want you to know exactly where I am coming from when I answer the very title to your question. "How can you sit by and watch?" You can because you are her dear friend. You love her. And you will undoubtedly outlast this horrid relationship of hers. Here is my question to you, what do you honestly expect to happen if you have some kind of heart to heart with her? She has seen the writing on the wall already. Her man has heartlessly compared her to other women on a spreadsheet, felt up her best friend, isolated her from everyone she knows, and has probably done many other things that you haven't even heard about yet. The fact of the matter is that she hasn't reached her threshold of pain to leave yet...period.
There is a small voice inside all of us and it tells us when something is so utterly wrong. That voice may just be whispering for her or it might be screaming...but either way, she isn't ready.
Whatever you do, don't alienate yourself from her too. She will need you someday...count on it. If you want to share your opinion of her situation, please do it from the softest place in your heart. If you attack him, you might lose her. I say, proceed with caution... I am not saying don't say anything...just think things through very carefully.
wishing you wisdom...
Black Jade
Brilliant_Rock
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You can try the thoughtful suggestions above but the most important one is not to jeopardize your relationship with her.
I am 55 years old now and this scenario has played out in my life much too often. Every time I told the friend/sister (happened with my sister THREE times)/whoever else that the man (or woman, we have two dear male friends who keep marrying horrifically abusive women) in their life is a loser, the person gets angry and more determined than ever to stay in the relationship. all too often, when it breaks up, the people who gave warnings are the last people that the person wants to come to--I don't know if becuase of shame or what. So now when I see this happening, I don't say much and jsut let the loved one know I am there for them always.
I hope you have a better result.
And oh--you probably don't need this warning, but I thought I'd put it out there anyway--do not be alone under any circumstances with this person who put his hand down your shirt when you were next to your boyfriend in public. In fact, if I were you, I wouldn't even be alone with him if your friend is there. Sometimes, unfortunately, with a guy who is that far gone (and the other posters are right, this has not a single thing to do with being from a foreign country--I know of NO culture in which this is even remotely acceptable) its not only the girlfriend/wife/significant other who gets abused, but female friends who put themselves in his line of fire. I don't think, somehow, that your friend is going to be much use to you if he decides to rough you up or worse to warn you to get out of his life and stop messing up his little party.
I am 55 years old now and this scenario has played out in my life much too often. Every time I told the friend/sister (happened with my sister THREE times)/whoever else that the man (or woman, we have two dear male friends who keep marrying horrifically abusive women) in their life is a loser, the person gets angry and more determined than ever to stay in the relationship. all too often, when it breaks up, the people who gave warnings are the last people that the person wants to come to--I don't know if becuase of shame or what. So now when I see this happening, I don't say much and jsut let the loved one know I am there for them always.
I hope you have a better result.
And oh--you probably don't need this warning, but I thought I'd put it out there anyway--do not be alone under any circumstances with this person who put his hand down your shirt when you were next to your boyfriend in public. In fact, if I were you, I wouldn't even be alone with him if your friend is there. Sometimes, unfortunately, with a guy who is that far gone (and the other posters are right, this has not a single thing to do with being from a foreign country--I know of NO culture in which this is even remotely acceptable) its not only the girlfriend/wife/significant other who gets abused, but female friends who put themselves in his line of fire. I don't think, somehow, that your friend is going to be much use to you if he decides to rough you up or worse to warn you to get out of his life and stop messing up his little party.
movie zombie
Super_Ideal_Rock
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good point, Black Jade, very good point: do not rely on "Amy" to help you and do not be alone with him, either.
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