When is a friend no longer a friend?

[amc80]

Okay folks. I have a friend who has always been one of my closest friends. Our families were close before we were even born. We lived next door to each other for many years. Her family was my second family. After college, we lived together for almost 3 years. I was in her wedding a few years ago. I've spent countless holidays and celebrations with her and her family. If her mom is in town, I'll meet up with her for a drink. You get the idea.

Fast forward to a year ago. I got engaged. She was one of the first people I called. I told her what we had planned for the wedding (wedding in Florida (we are on the west coast), followed by a group cruise). She was really excited and said she'd go for sure. Fast forward several months, I mention the wedding...she said she won't be able to go to the cruise but she and her mom would definitely come to the wedding. Meanwhile, the invitations are sent out and I never get her RSVP. I asked her if she was still planning on going and she said she was going to try (btw, money/vacation time isn't an issue for her). In the end, not only did she not go to the wedding, but she never even bothered to send in her RSVP...or a card...or a phone call. I understand stuff happens, but if that were me, I would have called her and said "I'm so sorry, I won't be able to make it after all..." But no, nothing.

A couple of months later (so late January) I told her I was pregnant. I wanted her (and my other close friends) to know before we made it public. She congratulated me. I asked her when she was going to start trying for #2...she said maybe in 2013. I told her when we found out the sex, a few weeks ago.

Well, today I get a mass text, announcing she's pregnant, with a boy, due 8/15. I'm due 8/14, with a boy. I asked her why she didn't tell me earlier, and she said "well we really haven't told many people yet because I'm not showing."

Okay, if I was not telling people, but a friend told me she was due a day before me, I'd most definitely say "OMG I'm pregnant too, due at the same time, but we aren't telling people yet." Or something like that. Or even if she didn't tell me at that point, maybe a phone call saying "Hey I'm pregnant too! But due to XYZ we decided to wait to tell people, but I still wanted to let me know."

Sorry for the long story...but back to my original question- when is a friend no longer a friend? I feel like I need to mentally place her in the "people I used to be close to but don't talk to anymore" category, just to avoid having any future expectations crushed. But at the same time, our relationship history makes it so hard to do that. Maybe I'm just being overly emotional...being 5 months pregnant and all (and feel free to tell me if I am!). But really, it seems like a pattern of her just not being a good friend, and frankly, it's getting old.

 

[iLander]

it's not your fault.

She just doesn't want you to be around her anymore. It could be any number of reasons; her husband thinks you're cute, she's been jealous for years, her mom always compares you and her, anything.

She's being pretty childish.

I'm sorry this is hurting you, but it's her problem, not yours.

 

[onedrop]

amc80: I'm really sorry you are going through this situation. It's got to be hard when someone you thought you were really close with doesn't act the same toward you. Like iLander said, there is no telling what is really going on with her and why she being distant now. However, I think the answer to your question lies in whether or not you want to continue to put in the effort to sustain this friendship. If not, then maybe it's time to let go. If yes, then maybe you need to have a heart to heart to let her know how you feel and to find out what her issues may be with you and go from there. I hope it all works out either way!

 

[lulu]

Did you ever ask her why she didn't come to your wedding? That's so rude.

 

[Skippy123]

Oh gosh, I am sorry; you two sounded pretty close. Does she live nearby? Can you have a chat with her? (sometimes those go well and sometimes not so well). Awww hugs; I think I would be hurt too if I was close with someone like that and then she didn't go to my wedding. Congratulations on being a mommy soon!!!

 

[ame]

Ugh. It sounds like she's just not that into you anymore, and that sucks. I know that feeling and it doesn't get any easier. I would simply not engage her anymore and see if she comes to you.

 

[junebug17]

It does sound like she is pulling back from the friendship for some reason. Maybe the passage of time and not being in as much contact with you has made her feel not as close to you? Maybe she's jealous of you, or resentful about something? I really don't know. I suppose you could try to talk to her about it - it really depends on how much you want to pursue this and get into it with her - I'm not really sure how forthcoming she'd be anyway - it might be best to just assume that for now, for whatever reason, she's not really interested in keeping up the friendship. I'm so sorry about this, I'm sure it's been hurtful to you.

 

[amc80]

Thanks for all of the replies. To answer some questions-

Did you ever ask her why she didn't come to your wedding? That's so rude.

Nope. At one point before the wedding (maybe 2 months) she said something (emailed) about "trying" to make it. I replied and told her I really hoped she could make it, because I couldn't imagine getting married without her being there. No response. But no, I never asked. I figured if she had a decent reason should would have come forward with it.

However, I think the answer to your question lies in whether or not you want to continue to put in the effort to sustain this friendship.

Yep, that's exactly it. I just am not sure it's worth the effort...when all of the effort is on my end and I'm basically getting nothing in return.

She just doesn't want you to be around her anymore. It could be any number of reasons; her husband thinks you're cute, she's been jealous for years, her mom always compares you and her, anything.

I never thought about it like this...interesting.

Does she live nearby? Can you have a chat with her?

Nope, she lives about 3.5 hours away. I thought about talking to her about it, but at the end of the day, I really don't think it's going to change anything. Plus I tend to be the non-confrontational type...I'd rather move on than make a scene.


Ugh, this sucks. This text today was totally the straw that broke the camel's back. All I know is I'm sick of this being so one-sided, and I don't want to keep pouring energy and emotions into something that's never going to change. It's just frustrating because usually when we talk (or email), she is super nice and friendly and "normal," but then it's never followed up by her actions.

 

[amc80]

Ugh. It sounds like she's just not that into you anymore, and that sucks. I know that feeling and it doesn't get any easier. I would simply not engage her anymore and see if she comes to you.

I suppose you could try to talk to her about it - it really depends on how much you want to pursue this and get into it with her - I'm not really sure how forthcoming she'd be anyway - it might be best to just assume that for now, for whatever reason, she's not really interested in keeping up the friendship.

Yep, you guys are right. I'm at a point where I'm ready to just call it what it is. I'm going to stop making an effort and see what happens. My guess is I won't hear from her. I'll probably get an invitation to her baby shower...a Christmas card, that sort of stuff. I'm going to treat her as one of my old friends and not worry about making any extra effort to reach out.

 

[Enerchi]

oh, that's so sad amc Sometimes things change and you have ZERO idea why. I've had that happen and it seems like it was as fast as a flick of a switch - BFFs to invisible, almost overnight. I think if you don't call her on it, she will never volunteer the info. Like iLander said, it could be something you haven't even considered which flipped her switch.

Is it worth having that conversation? I know you said you don't like confrontation, but this is a life long friend who has just let you down - - - BIG TIME! I am the same, I think life as an ostrich would be perfect as I much prefer my head in the sand than to deal with issues. However, this is one of those things that over time, you could have better closer if you get the details. She will have the choice to tell you the truth or not, but at least you tried.

I don't understand what goes wrong with female friendships. Guys handle things so much differently than we do. There could be some hormonal stuff going on - she was a post partum mom of 1 when you were getting married, now she's going to be a mom of 2 at the same time as you... maybe there is much more going on than what you know on the surface.

What would you like to see at the end of all of this??

 

[lulu]

Did you have bridesmaids? Might it be that she was upset about not being a bridesmaid?
If it's nothing like that then I'd just let her go. Too much negative energy.

 

[fieryred33143]

Did you have bridesmaids? Might it be that she was upset about not being a bridesmaid?
If it's nothing like that then I'd just let her go. Too much negative energy.

I agree with this.

 

[amc80]

Did you have bridesmaids? Might it be that she was upset about not being a bridesmaid?
If it's nothing like that then I'd just let her go. Too much negative energy.

I had one bridesmaid, and my DH had one groomsman. I guess she could be upset that she wasn't the one person I chose, but that seems sort of ridiculous as well. I was one of her bridesmaids, but she had 6 of them.

What would you like to see at the end of all of this??

You know, that's a great question. Ideally, I'd like to still be close. I mean our sons are going to be born within days of each other, if not the same day. That's pretty amazing. I understand the distance makes things hard, but it would still be nice to see her (and husband and kids) on occasion. Her husband's (very rich) family has a house on the lake about 45 minutes from me. I know she's been up there several times over the past year...I would have jumped in my car and gone to visit in a second, had she called me.

Having said all that, what I don't want to do is spend more time and energy working on something that she doesn't value. I'm not really asking for much...I mean if she would just email me every now and then to check in, that would be awesome! But I know the only time I'll ever hear from her is if I initiate contact. As much as I want to maintain a friendship (however possible), I just don't think that's fair. I definitely don't want to cut her out of my life completely. I'll make sure she's invited to my baby shower, for example, but I doubt if I'll ever get a response. Just starting this thread has helped me...at least if I don't anticipate a response I won't be hurt when that's what happens.

 

[Enerchi]

I love this phrase:
"people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime"
When I have people that I thought was more of a friend than they perceived me to be, I take the time to think about our contact. Maybe this person is a lifetime person, but is going thru stuff that she just can't be focused on maintaining this friendship at this point.

Or

maybe her season is over.

I hope you find comfort somehow, and focus instead on the awesome stuff in your life - your DH, your new son about to be born in 5 months (YIKES! ) and stop wasting any more time on her at this point. Too much negativity associated with her.

 

[lulu]

Well, it could be the bridesmaid thing, or it could be that she's moving into new social circles with rich husband's family.
If the relationship was important to me I'd initiate a conversation about it. If not, I'd send her a shower invite and be done.

 

[luv2sparkle]

AMC, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how much that stuff hurts. I had a friend do the same thing. I was really hurt over it for a long time. Finally, I just had to let it go Fast forward about 10 years and my daughter got married. Our girls had been best friends until we moved away when my daughter was about 15. In fact, all of our kids are about 6 mos. apart and they were all pretty close. She RSVP'd for her whole family and then just never showed up. No word, no explanation. I finally gave up. Not even going to minimally try anymore. Sometimes you just have to let go.

I have no real idea why. I think jealousy was part of it. I just don't get it.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Just a different perspective...sometimes people are flat out FLAKEY. I'm not sure why your friend didn't tell you why she was pregnant when you told her since you two share such a close due date, which would upset me, so I can totally understand your being upset about that...however, she may just not be too reliable in general and possibly treats everyone this way?

 

[Begonia]

I remember reading an article about friendship and when things go awry, we tend to look at ourselves and question what we've done wrong. The jist of the article was for us to flip that thinking around and realize that, most times, it is something going on in the other person's life that usually has absolutely nothing to do with us.

Starting last year, a close friend of mine began to distance herself. I just about drove myself crazy trying to figure out what I may have said/done. I've had problems in the past maintaining certain friendships and I've learned a lot about myself. With this friend I put a great deal of effort into being a good and close friend. She pulled away anyway.

Some friendships naturally ebb and flow, and some fade away entirely. I choose to believe it had something to do with what was going on in her life.

I'm still stuck on one part though...which is...YOU'RE HAVING A BABY? THAT IS SO GREAT! THAT IS THE BEST NEWS EVER!!!!!

 

[slg47]

I remember reading an article about friendship and when things go awry, we tend to look at ourselves and question what we've done wrong. The jist of the article was for us to flip that thinking around and realize that, most times, it is something going on in the other person's life that usually has absolutely nothing to do with us.

Starting last year, a close friend of mine began to distance herself. I just about drove myself crazy trying to figure out what I may have said/done. I've had problems in the past maintaining certain friendships and I've learned a lot about myself. With this friend I put a great deal of effort into being a good and close friend. She pulled away anyway.

Some friendships naturally ebb and flow, and some fade away entirely. I choose to believe it had something to do with what was going on in her life.

I'm still stuck on one part though...which is...YOU'RE HAVING A BABY? THAT IS SO GREAT! THAT IS THE BEST NEWS EVER!!!!!

yes...congratulations amc!!! as far as your friend...sorry maybe ask her what's up? I would be pretty hurt if a friend didn't show up to my wedding and didn't call/let me know/etc...

 

[VRBeauty]

AMC, it sounds like she's already decided that your friendship is no longer as important in her life... now it's your turn to decide what to do about that. I'm sorry.

ETA as one who does tend to fall in the "flaket" category, I have to agree with MC that it's a possibility, but... I think there would have been some apologies and asking for forgiveness along the way... flakey doesn't necessarily mean clueless!

 

[monarch64]

I'm sorry, AMC. One of my very best friends (probably my closest) and I are experiencing a "lull" right now. We're either very, very communicative, or we go without speaking for months due to life circumstances, sometimes with no warning/explanation. It's just the way it's been between us...we always say how nice it is that when the lulls end we can pick up right where we left off. Usually we have just been at different places in life, or one of us has been going through something we're just not ready to share with the other, which sounds weird and opposite from what you would expect from such a close friendship, but it is what it is. Perhaps your friend has been having some issues she just hasn't been ready or willing to share with you, hence the backing away and not sharing about her pregnancy? I would urge you not to think the worst. It might just be one of those life cycles or phases some friendships go through. I wouldn't write her off, just maybe send her a "thinking of you" card and leave it at that, then the door is open for her to let herself back into your life when she wants (if that is what YOU want!) Good luck, you have so many other things going on in life right now that it sucks you have to worry about this!

 

[Imdanny]

Wow. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm going through this with two friends right now, one I've known since I was 3, one who is my best friend from college.

I want to read your posts and others' and think about this before saying anything else, but I am sorry. I know it's a tough situation to be in.

 

[Echidna]

Another perspective on the pregnancy thing: if a friend of mine called me about her first pregnancy, all excited, and I was pregnant with my second (all hypothetical as I don't have children!), then I might keep very quiet to allow her to have a moment for herself. Perhaps she did it out of love for you, not malice? Could she have been very concerned about her early pregnancy at the time of your wedding> Perhaps she had suffered a loss so she couldn't come but didn't feel comfortable telling you why? Maybe you could pull back from the relationship a bit but give her the benefit of the doubt...

 

[swingirl]

Maybe things in her life aren't going so well and she'd rather not be close to someone who knows her as well as you do.

And seriously if someone just told me they were pregnant I would NOT say, "Me, too!!!!"

Sorry you are feeling blue about this friendship. Funny how people change and you may never know what really happened. I'd had a few of these in my life, too.

 

[minousbijoux]

it's not your fault.

She just doesn't want you to be around her anymore. It could be any number of reasons; her husband thinks you're cute, she's been jealous for years, her mom always compares you and her, anything.

She's being pretty childish.

I'm sorry this is hurting you, but it's her problem, not yours.

Exactly right on - I could not agree more. I am so sorry this is happening to you, as it really hurts to lose friends like that. But I agree that you need to do whatever it is that protects you in the future from being crushed again, and if that means distancing yourself from her (as she has clearly been doing with you), then so be it. You never know, she may come around some time in the future and apologize for her mistakes...

 

[zoebartlett]

Congratulations on your pregnancy, Amc!

I'm sorry you're in this situation with your friend. It's no fun, I've been there too. I'm a fan of writing everything out. You could write a letter/e-mail to your friend and tell her that you miss her friendship. You could mention some of the things that happened that have hurt you and tell her exactly how you feel. I did that with two people who I was really close to, and it helped a lot. I was able to get my feeling out in a non-confrontational way. Before I wrote to them, I stepped back to see if they'd come to me. They didn't. Neither friendship lasted but I was glad that I stood up to my friends and told them how much their actions (or non-actions I suppose) hurt.

I HATE one way friendships, and it's something I take very personally. I do think some people come in and out of a person's life, and I try to feel grateful for the time I had with them. With someone as close to you as this friend though,it seems like a deeper hurt, and I hope she gives you answers to your questions. Some people may say not to bother and just let it go. If it helps at all to get it out though, it may help to write to her.

 

[amc80]

Wow, thank you all so much for the thoughtful responses, and the well wishes for my pregnancy! You've all given me a lot to think about. It seems almost all of us have been in a similar situation. I don't want to mentally end the friendship. The truth is she has always been someone important and special in my life, and I'd still like to think of her that way. We have so many memories, and I can't just ignore them. But, people change, grow, move on, etc. For whatever reason, she doesn't feel close to me, and that's her choice. I'm hoping it's more temporary than permanent, but either way, there's not much I can do. I'm going to treat her as I would any of my other friends who have drifted a bit...I'll keep her on my Christmas card/baby shower/birth announcement list, but I won't expect anything in return. I won't assume she will come to my shower, just to be let down when she doesn't (although now she actually has a reason, since it's a month before her due date and it would require traveling to high altitude).

Thanks again,this has been really helpful. Sometimes objective advice is just what a person needs.

Could she have been very concerned about her early pregnancy at the time of your wedding> Perhaps she had suffered a loss so she couldn't come but didn't feel comfortable telling you why? Maybe you could pull back from the relationship a bit but give her the benefit of the doubt...

She wouldn't have been pregnant at the time of my wedding...she would have conceived the same weekend, actually...this, I know, based on the fact that our due dates are a day apart

ETA as one who does tend to fall in the "flaket" category, I have to agree with MC that it's a possibility, but... I think there would have been some apologies and asking for forgiveness along the way... flakey doesn't necessarily mean clueless!

She is flakey, and I know that about her...but I don't really think what she's doing falls under that category. And you're right, usually flakey people own up to it.

 

[iLander]

Okay, the curiousity is killing me.

Just ask her.

If you're going to walk away anyway, you've got nothing to lose.

And please report back, I'm dying to know what bee flew into her bonnet.

 

[Haven]

CONGRATS about your pregnancy, amc!

I was recently on the other side of this situation. My friends know that I tend to be very solitary, and I'm not the type to call anyone up just to chat. I have two "best friends"--one since childhood, and one since young adulthood. My childhood BF knows how I am, and she's similar, so we experience the lulls that Monnie described, but without any issues or questioning on either side. On the other hand, my BF since young adulthood is very different. She likes to talk on the phone, is always making plans to meet up with people, and is the type who likes to discuss every single thing that is going on in her life with her friends, big and small.

I'm sure you can see where this is going.

About three months ago, BF #2 confronted me during lunch because she felt that I've been neglecting our friendship. We'd had a long lunch already, and had been laughing and having a great time. I think she needed to work up the nerve to bring it up. She finally said something along the lines of, "I feel like we say we're best friends but we don't act like it. You rarely call me just because, and sometimes you don't get back to me for a couple days . . . " etc. etc.

It was really good, and I'm glad she brought it up. I had been pulling away from her because of some other reasons, but hadn't brought any of them up because I was pretty sure she wasn't in the right place to hear any of it. When she confronted me, it was the perfect opportunity for both of us to share what had been bothering us.

I know your situation is different, but there might be something going on that you don't realize. Or, it may just be that she's just flaky and way too involved with her own issues to even notice that she's been neglecting you. Either way, I think good friends should feel comfortable talking about things like this, so I hope you consider bringing it up to her.

Good luck! I know it's tough, but it's clear her friendship means *something* to you--otherwise, you wouldn't have started a thread about it, right?

 

[purselover]

Congratulations on your pregnancy ! I am sorry you are experiencing this drift right now, I went through something similar when I got married with my childhood best friend - honestly admitting to myself that we weren't really friends anymore was one of the hardest things I had to do and I still really miss how close we used to be. I hope this is just a temporary lull, and agree that at this point you should just bring it up with her and tell her that you are feeling distant and that makes you sad. Hopefully after hearing that she will either make more of an effort with your friendship, or you will be better able to "let go" of her. Good luck!