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Ladies - Did you change your last name?

Echidna

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Oct 26, 2009
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OCgirl|1331001008|3141493 said:
Everytime I go to my mom and ask her, "mom when you married dad, what did you think of _____?" She would say, "hmmm I never thought of that back then when I was your age..." :???:

OCgirl, my mum says almost the same thing. She thinks we think far more deeply about decisions now; they just made choices without too much deliberation.
 

Laila619

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Yes, I happily changed my name. I was really excited to do so, for lots of reasons. I like that my husband, my kids, and I all share the same name.
 

Amys Bling

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amc80|1330995927|3141435 said:
I changed mine, and honestly, didn't consider not changing it. I'm fairly traditional, though, so maybe that's why. It was a GIANT pain in the butt to change it. I like having the same name as him, and I like knowing our children will have the same name as both of us.


ditto this!
 

swingirl

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Laila619|1331004371|3141537 said:
Yes, I happily changed my name. I was really excited to do so, for lots of reasons. I like that my husband, my kids, and I all share the same name.

I agree.

My life as a married women with children IS who I am. I don't think of myself as my parent's daughter. That ended when I started my own family by getting married. Luckily my husband's last name wasn't offensive to me. Things might have been different if he had a weird one.
 

Gypsy

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Nope didn't change my name.

It's my name.
 

iheartscience

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Nope, I never even considered changing my last name. Honestly, if my husband had tried to pressure me into taking his last name, he probably wouldn't be my husband. If anyone isn't being "respectful," it's your husband. I can't even wrap my head around his attitude towards you not taking his last name. If he wants you both to have the same last name, he should either take yours, or you can both hyphenate your names.

I should point out that I have no problem with a woman taking her husband's last name if she actually wants to. What I have a problem with is the future husband pressuring his future wife.
 

ladypirate

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When we got married, we were sort of torn on this. My husband was supportive of whatever I wanted to do, but at the same time he thought it was important for us to have the same name. We looked into combining our surnames and a couple of other options but ended up both hyphenating our names to MyLast-HisLast. He's very close to my family so it was a nice way for him to honor them. We both go by both names at work and in our personal lives. Our surname is now 15 characters including the hyphen, but it hasn't been an issue and our friends and families have been very supportive. Actually, the only feedback either of us has gotten has been positive. When we have children, they will have both names as well, and when they decide to get married they can choose what they'd like to do.
 

marcy

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I changed mine and was very excited about all of it. The wedding and beginning a new life together. I don't live in a very big city so changing my name wasn't too much of a hassle.
 

OCgirl

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ladypirate|1331006127|3141559 said:
When we got married, we were sort of torn on this. My husband was supportive of whatever I wanted to do, but at the same time he thought it was important for us to have the same name. We looked into combining our surnames and a couple of other options but ended up both hyphenating our names to MyLast-HisLast. He's very close to my family so it was a nice way for him to honor them. We both go by both names at work and in our personal lives. Our surname is now 15 characters including the hyphen, but it hasn't been an issue and our friends and families have been very supportive. Actually, the only feedback either of us has gotten has been positive. When we have children, they will have both names as well, and when they decide to get married they can choose what they'd like to do.

Wow that is actually really awesome!!! Yea I think I understand the desire to share the same "family name" as your spouse but I don't get why it has to be mine. I also think it makes sense for everyone in the family (kids) to have the same name so if I hyphenate mine but he doesn't, then I'm still left with a different last name unless our kids have hyphenated last names too... Oh dear :shock:
 

Octavia

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OCgirl|1330993716|3141400 said:
Did you change your last name after you got married? Why or why not?

Last week out of the blue my coworker asked me if I am going to change my last name after I get married (I am engaged). I jokingly said to save company some resources (name tags, email change...etc) I will be keeping my last name. He said, "Wow that's outrageous!" I know he was totally kidding but that made me think back to my quite a few (unpleasant) conversations with my fiance. The deal is he wants me to change my last name. He said he's *disappointed* that I don't feel the same way and he feels he and his family are not *respected* if I don't. He's a lot more traditional than me. I don't see how changing my last name is he *respecting* MY last name. Anyway but I guess it comes down to how you *feel*.

I just feel like it's my name and I've lived with it for so many years. I don't see why I have to part with it just because I'm a girl.

I am sure this has been discussed before but what are the different views on this subject?

Interestingly my fiance's mom didn't take his dad's last name (they are still happily married). She kept her maiden name.

I was in a pretty similar situation -- never planned to change my name (and didn't) but my DH would very much like me to. He was pretty hurt that I shot down his "request" for me to change my name, but I would have been a whole lot more upset if I had actually given in and done it. After thinking about the subject a lot during our engagement, I realized it wasn't so much the process of changing as the idea that it would be a burden that fell solely on me, which I didn't want to take on. In the end, I did give him the option of a) both changing, like rubybeth and her husband did, or b) both of us keeping the names we were born with and like. He was not down with changing his at all, so I got what I wanted in the end anyway. :Up_to_something: I've written several fairly passionate posts on this subject in the past, so I won't rehash it all because I'm sure they'll turn up if you search.

I've found that the "did you keep or change your name" question doesn't come up very much. I've been asked a lot recently because we moved to a new city, I started a new job, and we're meeting a lot of new people...but on the whole, it's not an issue at all.

Like echidna, I REALLY REALLY hate being called "Mrs." It's utterly foreign to me, and I can't picture myself ever embracing that title. Most people know better and would never dare to call me that (which would be true even if I'd changed my name, to be honest) but we do get some mail addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast" on occasion, and I have some relatives who persist in pretending I'm "Mrs. Octavia Hisname." It annoys the hell out of me when it happens, but again, it's not very often and it's not that hard to get over.

ETA: I don't plan on changing when we have kids, either. I don't care one bit about sharing a name, with the exception that we will give them my last name as a middle name purely because my DH's family lives abroad and we will be traveling internationally frequently. His native country is...not exactly progressive. Last time I was there, they hassled me in the airport about not having the same last name. So I do want my name somewhere on the future kids' passports. Other than that, I really don't get why it's such a big deal (I do understand that it is to many people, I just can't actually wrap my head around why).
 

movie zombie

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no, i did not. i like my name and its who i am.
 

tuffyluvr

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None of the women in my family have a middle name. When the women get married they make their maiden name their middle name so we can keep it. I like the idea of the whole family having the same last name. If I didn't want children I would probably keep my name, but I would want my parents to have the same name, so for the kids I will do it.
 

Dandi

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Professionally (I'm an RN) I kept my maiden name, but changed it to my DH's name in every other respect. I figure I got my university degree with my maiden name on it, and feel absolutely no need to change that. Both names start with the same letter, so at least that stayed the same.

So I am Sister 'Maiden Name' but Mrs "Married Name' :bigsmile:
 

Gypsy

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thing2of2|1331005319|3141553 said:
Nope, I never even considered changing my last name. Honestly, if my husband had tried to pressure me into taking his last name, he probably wouldn't be my husband. If anyone isn't being "respectful," it's your husband. I can't even wrap my head around his attitude towards you not taking his last name. If he wants you both to have the same last name, he should either take yours, or you can both hyphenate your names.

I should point out that I have no problem with a woman taking her husband's last name if she actually wants to. What I have a problem with is the future husband pressuring his future wife.


THIS.
 

ForteKitty

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Oct 7, 2004
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5,239
We made a list of all the things we'd have to change, laughed, and decided that:

1) He doesn't care.
2) I dont care.
3) we're both too lazy.
4) our names hyphenated becomes a famous food dish, so that's NOT going to happen.
5) It's going to take a lifetime and we'd be retired by then.


SO... It's not going to happen. Our kids will be mixed so people are going to think Im the nanny regardless of my last name! :bigsmile:
 

Trekkie

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ForteKitty|1331017984|3141633 said:
SO... It's not going to happen. Our kids will be mixed so people are going to think Im the nanny regardless of my last name! :bigsmile:

Same!

But I decided to change mine. I considered keeping it because he has a very common French Huguenot surname that will never die out whereas my maiden surname is rare and uhm, quite pretty. I'm descended from a missionary who first came to Southern Africa in 1816. A son became Prime Minister of Rhodesia and a daughter married another famous missionary and explorer often referred to as one of the most popular national heroes of the late 19th century in Victorian Britain. I grew up in a large city in South Africa and half of it is named after my family. It is an illustrious name and I felt proud of it.

Now I am a mixed race English girl with a very common Afrikaans surname. It feels a bit... Donna Chang.

But I guess I'll get used to it.
 

mayerling

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Mar 4, 2010
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Yes. I wanted us and our kids to have the same last name.
 

Jennifer W

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No, I didn't change my last name. The notion offends me to an extent I actually find hard to articulate, so no, I didn't do it. ;))

I've been married for nearly 9 years now, and have an almost 4 year old child. I've never yet had a problem related to my keeping my real name, it's just never come up as an issue. I understand that some people want all their family to have a single name, but I don't feel it, personally. It doesn't feel as though we need a single word to pin our collective identity on. I do understand that others feel differently - shall I quote our Kenny here...? :bigsmile:

I didn't go through with my first wedding over this issue. I was going to marry a man who expected and required me to take his name. He presented that as an ultimatum. The issue itself was enough for me to extract myself, but that, coupled with the fact he felt it was a good idea to issue an ultimatum was just way, way too much for me.
 

Silvia

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Dec 8, 2011
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35
Hello,

I'm not married yet, but I grew up thinking I'd never change my last name. My mother kept her maiden name, I don't think it's customary where they were from for them to have matching last names and it never really occurred to me that it was different or strange that they had different last names. People would sometimes call her Mrs FathersName, but it didn't bother her at all either.

My bf and even my ex were surprised I didn't want to change my last name- like it didn't occur to them I wouldn't! Especially as it's so common and everyone who meets me asks if I'm related to the bloke that walks their dog, their neighbour, someone they went to school with, etc etc. I was born with that name, given from my father, my partner isn't my father... Actually my first and middle name also came from my both my parents middle names.

I also prefer Ms. and hate when people call me Miss, I don't think I would like being called Mrs either.
 

missy

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Interestingly my fiance's mom didn't take his dad's last name (they are still happily married). She kept her maiden name.

OCgirl, did you address this with your FI? You say he comes from a much more traditional family than you yet his mom kept her maiden name. Why not discuss this with him and explain how you feel it is disrespectful of him to dismiss your wishes/concerns about this very issue? It worked for his parents with his mom keeping her maiden name so why would he be so quick to dismiss your wishes about this? I hate double standards and I hate being told what I must do. This is something you both need to do- to have a serious conversation about this as I am sure this is only the beginning of real issues you (as will every married couple) guys will have.
 

Rhea

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Enerchi|1330999534|3141468 said:
I changed mine but that was back in 1985 when the trend seemed to be to hyphenate and that was NOT something that seemed appealing to either of us, and he had strong opinions that I should take his last name. I wish I'd kept my maiden name - it was a much more "sophisticated" name ;)) About 3 years ago when I had to renew my health card, I added my maiden name and now I feel more "ME" by including it. Odd thing is that now, 27 years later, DH is encouraging our daughter to keep her last name if she ever marries! HEY!! Wish you'd felt that way "back when"!!

To each his own - what works for some, won't work for others.

My dad does this! He told my mother he wouldn't marry her if she didn't change her name - she now jokes that she should've tested that - but has encouraged his two daughters from a very young age to keep their names. I did keep mine.

On another note, I find it funny that people consider themselves "lucky" that their DH didn't mind if they kept their name. How is it lucky that you get a make a decision about what you want to be called? DH doesn't like my surname but certainly gets no say in it.
 

zoebartlett

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Dec 29, 2006
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I changed my name and although I'm used to it now (almost 4 years later), I miss my maiden name. My husband wanted us to have the same name. He thought it would seem like we were more of a family if we shared a name (I know, I know...). After many discussions, I did change it, but it was really hard to do. He turned to me one day and announced, rather randomly, "you know, you could have kept your maiden name if you wanted. I understand why you like it and how much it means to you." Say what?! It's too late now to change it back. Well, I guess I could but I don't want to deal with it.
 

justginger

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May 11, 2009
Messages
3,712
When I got married at the tender age of 21 ( :rolleyes: ), I took my husband's name. I did it because 'that's what you do.'

This time around, I have chosen to keep my maiden name. DH wasn't thrilled about it, he is very traditional and fairly conservative, but understands that it makes me happy and now accepts it without grumbling. It's me and it's unique - I am the only person with my surname in the entirety of Australia (or at least based on national medical records).

If we have children, I may reconsider. It's not that he has a bad last name - it's just not mine. And you know, for those whopping 14 months I was married the first time, I missed MY name.
 

JewelFreak

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DH is Dutch & his name unpronounceable anywhere but Holland. It's not very pretty either. However, I took it thinking it would make things easier if we had children. In my industry everybody knew me by my maiden name -- which is simple & I like it. After a few years of being introduced as "Mrs.....Uh...", I went back to that, though never bothered to do it legally. DH didn't care either way.

Not taking a husband's name has nothing to do with respect for him -- you have enough regard for the guy to bear his kids & live with him presumably for the rest of your life, for pete's sake. It's a personal & individual decision -- as somebody said, respect goes two ways.

--- Laurie
 

Tacori E-ring

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OCgirl|1330994832|3141419 said:
Tacori E-ring|1330994524|3141413 said:
I changed my last name and kinda regret it. I do love having the same last name as my DD though.

:( Did you have some doubts before you changed it? Or you thought about it after?

No doubts before. Well, I dropped my middle name and replaced it with my maiden so I guess I knew letting go would be difficult. Professionally, I just feel like my maiden name is more memorable (which is good in my field).
 

NOYFB

Ideal_Rock
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Nov 16, 2008
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Yes, to get rid of the last name from the first husband. :lol:
 

Amys Bling

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Lil Misfit said:
Yes, to get rid of the last name from the first husband. :lol:
hahaha
 

misssoph

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Apr 22, 2009
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I didn't change my name, I was 30 and established in my career and my qualifications were in my family name. Really however because it was MY name. I do have children, I don't think it has really caused any difficulty or confusion. People seem to cope. My kids have my husbands surname. Sometimes I do get called my first name husband second name by school etc and that is OK

I think my husband did sort of expect I would change my name, but didn't care enough to make a big fuss and has long ago got over it.

As another poster has noted it is older female relatives who have made more of a deal of it. They like to ignore my decision and behave as if I did as they thought I should have. This is 10 years later.

Recently my lovely and supportive mother in law wrote me a bank cheque using my first name husband second name, I couldn't deposit to my bank account and had to give it back to her!

The Mrs husband first name husband second name really bothers me. One of my aunts likes to do this . Both me and my husband are Dr but she still uses Dr and Mrs husband first name husband second name. She doesn't think women should do paid work after marriage, with or without children.
 

QueenB29

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I hate my maiden name. It's not long, but it it's rather guttural and NO ONE can pronounce it correctly. My husband has a much more normal, better-sounding (to my ear at least) Irish last name. So I changed my name. That was the only reason. If my husband's name was super-long or impossible to pronounce, I would have kept my name. Also, I love my father, but I have no relationship with any of his extended family and always felt like a "my-mother's-maiden-name" instead, and her maiden name is my middle name, which is also Irish and flows much better with my husband's name than my maiden name. (That also meant hyphenating was out as I would have essentially had THREE last names.)

The only thing I sometimes regret, though, is that because my maiden name is far more unusual than my married name, it was a lot easier to Google, and therefore it may have been a better idea to continue using it professionally. I'm a writer and Googleability is important. I learned more about Google analytics long after I made the decision, though, and there's no going back.
 

chel180

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I changed my name to DH's. For the simple reason that his last name was better than mine. I've always hated my maiden name so I lost it at the first importunity. If I hadn't wanted to change my last name I'm certain DH wouldn't have minded but I think for traditions sake he rather like us all having his name. I guess I kinda do too, now I think of it. But if his name had been worse than mine or made Mrs Jamie Jamieson or Mrs Jane Kane or worse, wild horses couldn't have made me take it! So with me it was all about vanity.....
 
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