ladies,would your husband let you ...

[Jennifer W]

We both have friends and colleagues of both genders. We spend time with them and sometimes we have meals with them. It never previously occurred to me that this wasn't a given or that not everybody does this.

I'll assume that by 'let' the OP meant 'be comfortable with' in this context.

 

[HollyS]

Let?????

Of course.

What dark age are you lving in?

Ooops. Forgot who I was talking to. My bad.

 

[bee*]

For the ladies who mentioned they had good male friends--did you ever get the vibe that they might be interested in you? Are your guy buddies single or married? I'm wondering if some of these guy buds harbor secret crushes...

Not at all. One of my best friends is gay so he definitely doesn't and my other best friend is a straight single guy but he is definitely not interested in me and vice versa. We've holidayed together, shared a bed when we couldn't get two singles, hung out together tons...but it's all platonic.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Let?????

Of course.

What dark age are you lving in?

Ooops. Forgot who I was talking to. My bad.

O.K....how about "forbid"??...

 

[Dancing Fire]

For the ladies who mentioned they had good male friends--did you ever get the vibe that they might be interested in you? Are your guy buddies single or married? I'm wondering if some of these guy buds harbor secret crushes...

Not at all. One of my best friends is gay so he definitely doesn't and my other best friend is a straight single guy but he is definitely not interested in me and vice versa. We've holidayed together, shared a bed when we couldn't get two singles, hung out together tons...but it's all platonic.

that's what they all say...

 

[monarch64]

I do the "letting" in this marriage.

To answer the question, though, let's see...I don't really have any guy friends at this point in life. I work with guys all week in a pretty relaxed atmosphere so I get my fill of silliness and being one of the dudes in those 40 hours. We don't often have time to go to lunch; sometimes I go with my boss but we talk about work the entire 20 minutes. I just don't have any desire to cultivate male friendships outside of work and my husband, I guess. I see men all the time!

My husband used to have a really good female friend that spent a lot of time with him. Then I came into the picture and she moved away with her boyfriend. They still keep in touch and she has lunch or dinner with him when she's in town visiting. Their friendship has never caused a problem, so. I guess I feel rather indifferent about it.

 

[Dreamer_D]

"Let me..." Hmmm. I'm not sure I follow?

 

[Autumnovember]

For the ladies who mentioned they had good male friends--did you ever get the vibe that they might be interested in you? Are your guy buddies single or married? I'm wondering if some of these guy buds harbor secret crushes...

Good question.
The three guys we're around most are all not married but two of them have serious girlfriends and the other is single. It's never been weird if we go out and grab dinner somewhere local and I haven't felt like they have secret crushes. We are all very open with each other, joke around a lot, and we know what is and is not acceptable. My husband is extremely laid back and so are all of our mutual guy friends so there has never been any issues. We will go out to clubs with everyone and I love to dance with my closest guy friends BECAUSE it doesn't feel like they're being creeps or they're into me. My husband always says "better them than me," he hates dancing

 

[Black Jade]

Um, nobody's husband could either 'let' or 'forbid' them, of course. As DF well knows.

You have never had the right to lock your wife up in the US of A and 'stop' her from eating with whom she may choose. The best you can do, if you don't like it is to sulk a bit, do some yelling and maybe eventually (but there are probably some other problems then too), divorce her and get another wife.

DF is just enjoying pushing buttons--he knows if he asks such a question a whole bunch of women will light the computer up heatedly expressing their right to do whatever they want and how their husband has absolutely no control over them, because they are so 'modern' or so 'liberated' or so--something. He's laughing and enjoying the fuss.

My husband wouldn't bother to sulk, yell or whatever else to express his disappointment in me if I kept doing things he didn't like just to express my ability to do them (just like a five year old--"I WONTandyoucan'tmakeme") but I don't choose to go out alone to lunches with other men. Most affairs start like that. they don't start with hot sex or even powerful sexual attraction, but camaraderie and with the feeling that so-and-so is so much more 'understanding' than boring old hubby'. Why put myself in danger of having an affair? It doesn't seem smart. And if it doesn't get to that, why make myself the target of gossip? (and if you don't think people gossip if they continually see you having lunch alone with some guy, you are being either disingenuous or silly). Yes, of course men and women can be friends and not have anything sexual between them--but a whole lot of 'sexual' starts out as friendship. I have good male friends and I meet them in groups with lots of company, very often including my husband. And if my husband were to express that a friendship were making him uncomfortable, the friendship would go, whether or not it was innocent. He hasn't done this--but if he did, I would think that my first loyalty was to him and making him secure and happy. I know he would also do the same for me, if the shoes were switched. Would all you ladies really like it if your husband kept yelling about his 'rights' to you, to do whatever he felt like regardless of how you might feel about it--be it eating out with a female friend all the time and not inviting you; going out with his guys friends and never being home; fill in the blanks?
Marriage isn't about rights, its about mutual respect.
If you don't get that, you WILL end up writing on a forum some day about how awful and controlling your exhusband was--and I personally don't think I would get a lot of comfort from strangers reassuring me that I was right to get rid of him, considering all the trauma that a divorce causes for everybody involved and that goes on and on and on, even after (if) both parties are remarried.

 

[monarch64]

Black Jade, I agree with several points you made but not all. I am one of those who ended up posting on this very forum a few years ago about going through a divorce because my husband was awful and controlling. I denied it for a long period of time when we were together, but you know I have to say getting kicked under the table in public if I said something he didn't want me to say or thought I was being too enthusiastic was pretty freaking controlling. And being kicked by your husband is awful.

I think I'm pretty adept at deciphering the difference between DF trying to get a rise out of people here by using the verbiage he chose and husbands who are actually awful and controlling... I respect your opinions and I understand the points you are trying to make, but I don't know that others will see it as clearly as I do when you say things like you did in your last paragraph. There's a backlash against seemingly harmless phrases like "does your husband let you" for a reason. My intention isn't to argue with you, but I did want to share my point of view as someone who did experience and leave an awful and controlling person (as trite as that has become now, sadly.)

 

[Dancing Fire]

Um, nobody's husband could either 'let' or 'forbid' them, of course. As DF well knows.

You have never had the right to lock your wife up in the US of A and 'stop' her from eating with whom she may choose. The best you can do, if you don't like it is to sulk a bit, do some yelling and maybe eventually (but there are probably some other problems then too), divorce her and get another wife.

but before i do that i better have a rich woman in line...

 

[Echidna]

I just can't think of a situation where it would even come up. All of our friends are married, so we would go out as couples. I think it'd be odd to say the least to grab a bite to eat with another girl's husband.

I'll give you one of my examples here. My DH and I travel for work (his travel is more frequent but intrastate; mine is less frequent but international). DH's best mate and his long-term SO also travel quite a bit. Sometimes the boys are in town together and go out to eat while the girls are working. On other occasions, DH went out for dinner with his mate's SO because they were both in town and enjoy talking shop. Three months ago, my DH was away but his best mate came to my office and took me out to lunch when he got home from travelling. I've not caught up with the best mate's SO alone because we're the most distant links in this chain (but no reason why we couldn't!). We all catch up when and where we can; sometimes not all four of us can make it

PS. He is not interested in me in the slightest. In fact, he ribs me about marrying my sister so then he'd be my REAL brother. He also loves his best mate more than he would hypothetically love me

 

[Pandora II]

I think that most of us who do have lunch/dinner with other men and whose husbands do the same are seeing people who are either longstanding friends or where there is a business connection.

For example, the man I had lunch with on Wednesday is a former classmate who is starting his own business and wanted my advice on a few things - advice he couldn't easily get elsewhere. His train got into London at midday, I needed to leave by 3 to pick my daughter up from nursery and so having lunch before when he arrived was a no-brainer. A crowded pub in central London is hardly the right setting for a romantic encounter.

My husband had lunch with an old friend yesterday - she's married with 2 kids, and while we do meet up as couples, DH, her and I all worked in politics and like to talk shop - her husband did not and makes it obvious that he doesn't like the conversation... therefore much better that they have lunch during the week.

It's not like we're meeting someone in a bar and thinking they're fun to talk to and going on a date.

I find it a bit insulting the idea that by going for lunch I'm setting myself up for affairs and eventual divorce. Rubbish, I am extremely secure in my marriage and have no interest in other men in that way. Nothing will 'happen' because I don't want anything like that. If I got the feeling that someone was hitting on me or behaving in the least bit inappropriately then they would be corrected very quickly.

Even when I was single I had lots of male friends where our friendships were 100% platonic for years - even going on holiday, sharing beds, going out dancing etc. Maybe it's a generational thing - my mother doesn't think men and women can have platonic relationships - but I see men as people rather than walking willies...

If people are going to have affairs then they will find a way to do so. Personally I like the fact that my husband and I don't have to hide any of what we do from each other - because there is nothing to hide.

 

[amc80]

And if my husband were to express that a friendship were making him uncomfortable, the friendship would go, whether or not it was innocent.
...
Marriage isn't about rights, its about mutual respect....

If you don't get that, you WILL end up writing on a forum some day about how awful and controlling your exhusband was--and I personally don't think I would get a lot of comfort from strangers reassuring me that I was right to get rid of him, considering all the trauma that a divorce causes for everybody involved and that goes on and on and on, even after (if) both parties are remarried.

Very good points. I have a few girlfriends who are divorced from their exes because the exes were "too controlling." From the stories they've told me, it was more of an issue of the gals not wanted to have 100% of their freedom, as they did before they were married. Just as you said, a marriage is about mutual respect. At the end of the day you have to decide if you'd rather have your way all the time, or if you'd rather be married.

 

[Black Jade]

And if my husband were to express that a friendship were making him uncomfortable, the friendship would go, whether or not it was innocent.
...
Marriage isn't about rights, its about mutual respect....

If you don't get that, you WILL end up writing on a forum some day about how awful and controlling your exhusband was--and I personally don't think I would get a lot of comfort from strangers reassuring me that I was right to get rid of him, considering all the trauma that a divorce causes for everybody involved and that goes on and on and on, even after (if) both parties are remarried.

Very good points. I have a few girlfriends who are divorced from their exes because the exes were "too controlling." From the stories they've told me, it was more of an issue of the gals not wanted to have 100% of their freedom, as they did before they were married. Just as you said, a marriage is about mutual respect. At the end of the day you have to decide if you'd rather have your way all the time, or if you'd rather be married.

Yes this is what I meant.
I am sorry for lady whose husband used to kick her under the table. this is obviously not right and I didn't mean a situation like this, whether the man or the lady was doing the kicking (some wives are very controlling also). thanks for saying that you see what I meant.

I do hold to the statement that it is best to be safe rather than sorry so far as getting too close to members of the opposite sex who are not your spouse. This was not meant to insult anyone, it is based on a lot of things I have seen happen, unfortunately. People always think they are the exception, but they rarely are.

 

[ladypirate]

I hang out with guys all the time--many of my close friends are men. Since my husband trusts me implicitly, it's never been an issue. Likewise, I don't mind if he wants to hang out with female friends.

 

[Alyeska]

Let yes, allow no... I mean, I know he would strongly prefer I didn't even if he knew we were just friends

 

[sillyberry]

It would never occur to me it was inappropriate to spend time alone with "men," writ large. Certain men? Sure. I have a guy friend who at some point I just decided I wasn't comfortable being around. We always had a super flirtatious relationship and once I was coupled I felt kind of squicky around him. So no more hanging out.

Beyond that, though, I have no problem hanging out alone with male friends. I have lunch alone with a male coworker most days of the week. I also meet up with guy friends alone for lunch or drinks or dinner. One friend (who now lives in another city) used to be my "other boyfriend" who would go out with me when my boyfriend (now DH) didn't feel like it. I don't know why DH didn't want to drive 45 minutes to a bad neighborhood for the best buffalo wings in the city, but his loss.

I just asked DH and he said "I don't see a problem with it."

Beyond that, on a practical level, I travel alone with male coworkers. Am I going to tell my employer "no, sorry, my husband won't let me"? That probably wouldn't fly.

 

[beebrisk]

Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't want to be with a man who thought it was "okay" for me to spend long periods of time with a straight, male friend.

This is a relationship boundary I'm quite fond of, actually. And it's not one that my FI and I are likely to cross.

It's not about "letting", or even jealousy. I don't require male companionship so badly that I feel the need to bond with one so closely in my FI's absence. For male companionship, I choose him over any man I've ever known. And that keeps us both happy. When I want to share an afternoon or evening with someone else, I spend it with my gay friends or girlfriends.

Lunch with a male colleague is one thing. Sleeping with a "pillow wall" between us is a whole other ball of wax.

 

[Winks_Elf]

I think my husband and I have gone through every possible scenario that a married couple could go through, including being divorced from each other for a short time. At this point of our lives, he doesn't have time to have lunch with a single gal, unless she works in his office and then they are joined by a bunch of people.

As for me, I have a few guy friends that I occasionally see for coffee in the morning or lunch, and they are old enough to be my father or an old uncle. They are the friends I made while we were apart, and my angels. They're thrilled for us that we were able to get back to where we should be, and are very supportive of our family. The only other "guys" I have lunch with are our 14 and almost 8-year-old boys, and of course our daughters. I'm really good at multi-tasking, but not good enough to even think about having an affair, so if I told my husband I needed to meet a guy for lunch he would most likely ask if it was a client as that's the only time I can even think about getting together with anyone for lunch.

 

[sillyberry]

To some degree, I think it's one of those things that is obvious one way or another.

For me, it's not even a question. If I'm willing to go out alone with my girl friends, I'm willing to go out alone with my guy friends. To think otherwise would be to imply that there is something pernicious lurking out there just because I'm socializing with someone who happens to be a dude. And I just don't think that way. I suppose it would be problematic if I was "hiding" a guy (for lack of a better term) from DH, either because he's unaware that I'm going out with said guy friend or I've kept them from meeting, but I'm certainly not. DH knows, likes, and has socialized with all of my guy friends. I feel the same way about any girl friends DH has.

For others, the calculus is obviously and intuitively different.

Why? No idea. My guess is that it's just built into our personality framework.

 

[beesha77]

As in without my dh? No. Honestly, I wouldn't feel comfortable, nor appropriate.

 

[blackberry16]

He certainly wouldn't be happy about it. I always feel do only what you'd want your spouse to do too. I wouldn't want him having lunch with a woman other than me. I think a lot of people put themselves in situations that lead to trouble.

I totally agree!

He doesn't tell me what I can or can't do, but I wouldn't want him to go out alone with a woman so I wouldn't do it either. I think that whatever a couple decides (together) is acceptable should be the guide for an issue such as this. What works for some doesn't work for others.

 

[sillyberry]

I've been thinking a lot about this, probably more than I should, and wonder -- for those of you who are not comfortable spending time alone with someone of the opposite sex, did you have male friends prior to your spouse?

I've known people who just didn't have friends of the opposite sex. Pretty much all interactions were either (1) romantic, (2) as part of a platonic group, or (3) as part of socializing as a couple. For those people, it would be absurd to hang out with someone of the opposite sex who wasn't their SO. My aunt is that way. I'm not sure she has ever in her life spent time alone with someone of the opposite sex who wasn't her husband or her son. Lots of female friends, but only female friends. Every male she has associated with has been because they were someone's spouse or my uncle's friend.

On the other hand, I've always had good male friends, many of whom I was friends with long before I ever met DH. Someone (can't remember who) said something about not getting married if she wanted to hang out with other guys. I can't tell you how much I would miss some of my guy friends if I didn't get to hang out with them anymore. They don't rev my engine, so to speak, so I certainly have never been interested in a romantic relationship, but they're as dear to me as my female friends.

So maybe this way of thinking has something to do with the difference in attitude?

 

[sonnyjane]

I've been thinking a lot about this, probably more than I should, and wonder -- for those of you who are not comfortable spending time alone with someone of the opposite sex, did you have male friends prior to your spouse?

I've known people who just didn't have friends of the opposite sex. Pretty much all interactions were either (1) romantic, (2) as part of a platonic group, or (3) as part of socializing as a couple. For those people, it would be absurd to hang out with someone of the opposite sex who wasn't their SO. My aunt is that way. I'm not sure she has ever in her life spent time alone with someone of the opposite sex who wasn't her husband or her son. Lots of female friends, but only female friends. Every male she has associated with has been because they were someone's spouse or my uncle's friend.

On the other hand, I've always had good male friends, many of whom I was friends with long before I ever met DH. Someone (can't remember who) said something about not getting married if she wanted to hang out with other guys. I can't tell you how much I would miss some of my guy friends if I didn't get to hang out with them anymore. They don't rev my engine, so to speak, so I certainly have never been interested in a romantic relationship, but they're as dear to me as my female friends.

So maybe this way of thinking has something to do with the difference in attitude?

Interesting theory. I'm another person that has a lot of male friends, but I have always hung out with guys. In fact, because of a unique circumstance (my dad was a professor), I was the only girl at an all-boy high school with 200 boys. I still talk with a dozen or so of them and some of my closest friends are from my years in high school. Not being able to talk to them would be like anyone else not being able to talk to their same-sex high school buddies. Same thing...if I was ever attracted to them, something would have happened already, but I wasn't, so it didn't. Most of them are married or engaged now, and I can say that I HAVE lost a couple of male friends because their wives didn't want them talking to me, and that really hurt. I am happily married and am by no means a threat. I don't even live on the same coast as some of them, yet their wives won't let me even talk to them on the phone I used to text or facebook my one friend from college almost every day, we were that close, and now he hasn't spoken to me in four years because his wife got upset. It's not just her fault, he is the one that chose to not stick up for our friendship, but it really bummed me out.

 

[beebrisk]

On the other hand, I've always had good male friends, many of whom I was friends with long before I ever met DH. Someone (can't remember who) said something about not getting married if she wanted to hang out with other guys. I can't tell you how much I would miss some of my guy friends if I didn't get to hang out with them anymore. They don't rev my engine, so to speak, so I certainly have never been interested in a romantic relationship, but they're as dear to me as my female friends.
So maybe this way of thinking has something to do with the difference in attitude?

Sure it does...It has everything to do with attitude.

There's no right or wrong answer here. I just know that when I became serious with my FI, I gladly left my "single" life behind. Not my friends or the people I love, of course, but the "lifestyle" is what I dropped. That means he comes first and if I thought he'd be uncomfortable with the idea of me hanging out with a particular person, I would seriously consider his feelings as he would mine. Again, it's not a matter of him "allowing" me. I just would never want him to squirm over any social situation I put myself in. And I have no problem obliging him on that. Thankfully, I know he'd always do the same for me if I felt it was important. To me this is one of the big distinctions between "single" and "married".

Here's the bottom line for me/us: I wouldn't be comfortable with him going out with women from his single days because I know all too well how women can be. And he wouldn't be comfortable if I was hanging out with other men, because he knows all too well how men can be.

 

[Pandora II]

Beebrisk, how would your husband react if you had to travel for work - and that your colleague was another man, and the two of you would be staying the same hotel for a week, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner every day for a week? It's a scenario I was very often in with my previous jobs.

Sillyberry, I'd be interested to know what age people were married at and if that has a difference. I can see that someone from a small town who married a guy they met in their early 20's might see things differently from someone who met their husband in their early 30's and therefore had a lot more friendships built up.

FWIW, I guess that even those of us who do regularly have lunch/dinner etc with other men would not have an issue in not doing so if their partner had a good reason for it.

I had an ex-bf who had a close but recent female friend. I knew she had just divorced her husband and starting to socialise again. She started doing things like trying to be the first to text him to say happy birthday, or happy xmas - I was there when the texts arrived at midnight plus 2 seconds.... that is not a casual well-wish to a friend, it is far more interest than that.

I was still fine about him seeing her for lunch, but when she invited him out one Friday evening I was pretty unhappy - she lived in the city where they were going out, he lived with me a couple of hours away. He would likely have a few drinks and therefore not want to drive home. I pointed this out to him and he said not to worry, he'd stay at her house as she had a spare room. I wasn't happy, but didn't want him driving home either, but asked him to consider how he would react when she came in and got into bed with him... he laughed and said that she would never do that, she knew he was in love with me and was just a friend.

I have no idea what happened, but he turned up at my house at 3am, didn't say a word about what had happened and they never spoke again! After that if I said I was unhappy about someone then he took it seriously.

 

[amc80]

I've been thinking a lot about this, probably more than I should, and wonder -- for those of you who are not comfortable spending time alone with someone of the opposite sex, did you have male friends prior to your spouse?

Yep! I had lots of guy friends. At one job in particular, all of my immediate co-workers were guys, and we all hung out a lot.

 

[beebrisk]

Beebrisk, how would your husband react if you had to travel for work - and that your colleague was another man, and the two of you would be staying the same hotel for a week, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner every day for a week? It's a scenario I was very often in with my previous jobs.

Until recently I did travel with a male colleague from work. For a number of years, in fact. During the times we were away, sometimes for a week to 10 days, we shared every meal together, stayed down the hall from each other and even did a little touring of the city we were in during a rare hour or two of down time. We had lots in common, he became a good friend and he was a pleasure to work and travel with. But that's different. It wasn't a social thing. We didn't choose to be together while our spouses were away or because we simply enjoyed hanging out, or in place of spending time with our SO's. We were together in these situations only because our jobs dictated it.

Of course my FI had no problem with it. I'm sure he'd have preferred I traveled with a woman, but it's not like he's some crazy, unreasonable, jealous nutjob. We trust each other with our lives--thanks in large part to the fact that we've both always been careful not to cross certain boundaries. There's never been a hint of anything improper on either side, so there's been absolutely no chance for either of us to get carried away, imagining all kinds of crazy scenarios that never happened..

While back at home, I never socialized with my work buddy and only would have done so if it was the four of us. He and I would never have gone out by ourselves. That dynamic wouldn't have been comfortable for either of us, much less our SO's.