Do you have a "Hater" in your life?

[ame]

Yea I live in the same place I grew up, about a suburb over (10ish minutes probably depending how fast Im speeding...). Most of those women live in the same suburb we grew up in, a few moved to other areas in the city, but this isn't so big a city that it's a big drive or anything back home. I do have a pretty core group of friends, really a few different circles that I run in. I am fiercely loyal and protective of almost everyone in those circles, there are few that I consider frienemies that I am not very defensive of simply because I am sick of being crapped on and used by them and I stopped actively engaging them.

The sad fact is that, yes, many of them do have children, some multiple children. And it honestly scares the hell out of me what these kids will be like when they get older. These women have no shame about it at all. The two that did all that crap in the WW meeting seemed proud and were furious that they were asked to leave, not apologetic at all, very entitled. None of them, to my knowledge, ever was left wanting for anything. Spoiled. I wouldn't say we got all that we wanted, but we are all three driven and have some pretty crazy goals set and made for ourselves. It wasn't a very poor suburb, very middle class. And the grade school was private, the high school was public.

I REALLY wonder how much of it stemmed from us moving to a new subdivision when i was about 10. Before then, I hung with some of these girls, and we played together. When we moved, they didn't have me around anymore, and kind of moved on without me. The kids in this subdivision for the most part were not particularly popular, and those that were wanted no part of me and were in that other "clique". I tried VERY hard for a while to be accepted, but eventually I found my own group, and for the most part did ok. For a few years that went fine, the later ones though....that group either started to take over some of ours, or they didn't want to be affiliated with me.

I did fine for myself, just fine. They can either accept that, or they can F off. A lot has changed in 20-25 years. But I built a great reputation in my field, and I am happy.

 

[Gypsy]

WOW, Amy, I am APPALLED at that story. Do those women have children? I feel so so sorry for their kids if they are. What UTTER LOSERS. I'm so mad for you!! I just can't believe that grown women would behave that way.

Dani, completely off point BUT-- I LOVE your new AV pic. (Well, it's new to me anyway).

 

[dani13]

Thanks Gypsy!!!! I thought it was a pretty good pic of my rings - and the best part is that I took it with my cell phone camera!! ha ha
Can you believe I'm still toying with the idea of a reset though? I'm such a nut ball!!!

(back to Ame's thread).....

 

[mrs taylor]

OH yes. All through grade and HS. And those same people are STILL hating on me. I went to WW meetings and really enjoyed the group I had. One night, I sat down with my friend who also went with me, and about 10 minutes later two girls from school (who went to both grade and HS with me) sat down right in front of us, they just had joined. When they saw me, they made sure they sat in the seats right in front of us, making people move to let them sit there. Then they spent the entire first 15 minutes talking about what a loser I was and still am, how I am lying about being married, my rings are probably fake, and if not I am just a big enough loser to buy my own real ones to pass off as fake (yea bec this is the last name I would select???) and that all I care about is being cool to people who don't know me and how they like when they can expose the real me, and how funny it was when they pants'd me in the cafeteria, and when they damaged my school science project with geodes my dad and I cracked, and all the rocks I collected went all over the place, and the best was when they ripped the bathroom door off the wall and hinges at the school skating party in 6th grade while I was peeing in the stall. I happened to be in the stall that if you were outside of the bathroom you can just see right in, no door on the bathroom at all. So I am now being watched by 270 kids from 6th-8th grade, and laughed at MERCILESSLY. I went about my business, trying to not show an ounce of emotion about it. Washed my hands and went back out to the table my friends were seated at. One of them was laughing, the other was like...mortified for me. She called her mom to immediately come get us and I rode home silently. I bet you can guess who remained my friend after that.

Anyway..this group of girls literally make it a point to bring that up, and any other abuses they threw at me, even now over 20 years later. In public if ever possible. The middle of Target, WW apparently. Whenever they can. People who haven't seen me and have NEVER gotten to know anything about me ever at all, and only RANDOMLY run into me in passing at the store. Sp they spent the entire night in Weight Watchers talking about that and anything else they could muster, including why am I in ww, oh it's because I am fat, and how I am just fat, I don't even have kids so I have no excuse, and everyone around them was shushing them. My friend ripped into them in her loud whisper about how they're also in WW, kids or not, they're equally overweight, so get over it or get out. My leader stopped the meeting about 5 minutes later and said "I am going to ask you both to leave, you're being disrespectful to me and everyone else who paid to be here. We'll refund your fees, please turn in your materials at the counter. Your behavior is not what we're about here. Please find another weight loss plan." The whole room erupted. My leader pulled me aside before I left and hugged me. And I seriously started BAWLING. And then I was mortified for showing that emotion in public.

Those same people are friends of other friends of mine, and would get togehter and post things on Facebook about the same things mentioned above and far more on my wall, I guess trying to get to me. I would just delete and or block what didn't need to be up there. I did leave a few up so people would be able to see what losers these people were.

I have NO idea why these people disliked me, we all were on the same sports teams, many of which my dad coached until high school. Maybe they just thought I was a dork bec it was my dad, who they all always want to say hi to, still to this day. He knows about that WW incident, and I know he mentioned it to someone's parents which just incited another flurry of that crap in my life, I know he meant well but I am in my 30s now. I can handle it! I don't know if they just thought I was a dork, I have no idea. I have the same small group of close friends as I did in HS, and a few from college/jobs, and because of these people they know about all the torment I got. But you'd think after all this time they'd get LIVES and move on.

What bi@#%es!! I hate girls like that! That's how I got my best friend in middle school... She was the victim of TERRIBLE bullying. We were at a birthday party and the whole point of the party was to humiliate her and harass her at every turn. Once I knew what was up, I warned her and thwarted their efforts all night. The other bitchy girls hated me form then on, but I gained a really sweet friend. Screw those girls!

Ame, I'm so sorry. And to the bolded...there was a party like that when I was a sophomore. It wasn't directed at me and I wasn't there. But the boy it was directed at? Killed himself that weekend. It was the last straw. I will never understand how people can be so cruel to each other.

I have haters, that usually stop once they get to know me. I have a lot of anxiety and tend to keep to myself as a result. People tell me I come off as standoffish as a result. I don't at all mean to, but there it is.

 

[ame]

Thanks Gypsy!!!! I thought it was a pretty good pic of my rings - and the best part is that I took it with my cell phone camera!! ha ha
Can you believe I'm still toying with the idea of a reset though? I'm such a nut ball!!!

(back to Ame's thread).....

Lol not my thread. It just kinda went that way after I dropped my bomb on this. lol

Thankfully, for me anyway, suicide never came up. I never once thought of "what if I was just not here anymore". The most "not here" I thought about was switching schools. But my parents refused. But the idea of someone being that badly tormented that it's the only thing they think will stop it because no one else will do anything TO stop it....that seriously just breaks my cold dead heart so much. All these gay teenagers killing themselves, just teenagers at all doing it. And then the people bullying them not having any punishment at all for their behavior. Appalling. It reminds me of that Megan Meier story, where she was bullied on Facebook by a "friend's" MOTHER and then killed herself....unbelievable.

 

[Porridge]

I actually have a kind of nice story about a hater.

I had one in school. We were friends, but it turned out she was spreading rumours about me and trying to turn people on me. I was sad, cos we had been friends, but I ignored it and it ended up backfiring on her. Anyway she went a little off the rails in her later teen years. She got knocked up, dropped out of school etc. I didn't hear much about her for a few years until one night we were about 22/23 and I was out in a local pub and I bumped into her. It was all very polite, but after a couple of minutes of chatting she interrupted me with a very heartfelt apology. She said she had been jealous of me in school and had acted out, that after she matured she realised what she had done and felt awful about it. I couldn't believe it. Anyway we chatted some more and are now fb friends, and she has totally turned her life around. She went back to school, is working AND going to college to get a business degree, AND is raising an absolutely gorgeous little girl. I'm so impressed by how she grew up and turned it all around. Heartwarming

Anyway besides her I've definitely had a few more. One was a friend of a friend. She was super jealous (openly) and actually fell out with our mutual friend because of it. I only found out about this afterwards, I just hadn't paid much attention to her because her behaviour was odd and so didn't really notice a whole lot!

Definitely the best way to handle them is to ignore and live well. It's all based on their own insecurities.

 

[Lottie]

Ame I am horrified by what happened to you, grown women behaving like that is beyond shameful - they could do with being filmed and put on utube behaving like that, I doubt they would be so happy with their actions when their nearest and dearest could see what kind of people they really are. Awful.

On the subject of haters, I never had any major problems growing up but have come across an odd situation more recently.

My husband and I lived away from our hometown for about ten years, but returned when our first daughter was under a year old . I have a twin sister whom I am very close to, (her eldest son is five months younger than our daughter and her daughter is six days older than our son). When I first moved back, my sister introduced me to her ante natel group and they were very encouraging about me being a part of the same group to meet up with and socialise with our babies. Everyone apart from one woman called X who was very distant and didn't seem very happy to have me there at all. It turned out that X didn't have many friends and had really wanted a close friendship with my sister, which was going fine until I came back. She didn't like that my sister and I spent so much time together that she had earmarked for her self. She started to drop me out of group invitations and generally did her best to isolate me from the group. She would also come up to me very reguarly at playgroups etc when my son was newborn to tell me how tired I looked or make derogatory comments and on one occasion asked me if I had been crying because my 'eyes looked weird'. Nothing major but enough to let me know she didn't like me.

I made some great friends from that group that I still see at least once a week, X and I are polite to each other now but thats it. The sad thing is that I never wanted to get in the way of her friendship with my sister, if she hadn't acted so oddly I have no doubt that they would have become great friends.

 

[Haven]

I'm so sorry to hear that so many of us have or have had haters in our lives.

I have on current hater. She's a colleague. I don't want to go into much detail, but I have no idea why she hates me, and I don't play into it at all. In fact, I use the kill-her-with-kindness approach, and it seems to be working. She was very aggressive with me for a while, but I behaved professionally and as if I had no idea that she disliked me. She eventually backed off, and has lately been overly nice to me. It's very strange, the entire situation. Maybe after some time has passed another thread like this will pop up and I'll share more of the story then. It never really bothered me much, per se, since she's a colleague and so I don't have to deal with her in my real life. But still, it is baffling, and very trying, to deal with someone who has such irrational feelings towards you, and thus behaves like an animal instead of a human being.

And, I have had haters in the past, but I had no idea they existed until long after the fact. Here's the story:

At some point during my sophomore year of college I received an email from a girl I barely knew in high school. The email was addressed to me and a handful of others--some who were my friends in HS, others who I just knew through friends. (This was the late 90s, so email wasn't as common, we didn't check it all the time, and you could still look up student email addresses through the college websites.)

The email was this really vicious tirade against me and these other addressees. This girl hurled a lot of nasty insults at us, typical HS angst things--"You walk down the hall bouncing your perfect ponytails as if you're the perfect person. We all know you're a slut" "You put on a smile but we know that you're rotten inside", etc. etc. I was shocked, and it really disturbed me. The sender knew a lot of details about me, personally, which she included in the email--the boys that took me to particular dances, certain teachers I had, etc. She addressed each addressee individually in the email to give us our own personal e-slap, you could say. She seemed to think that we all thought we were better than everyone else, and we spent our high school years parading our fake happiness in front of others in an attempt to make them miserable. It was really bizarre, and it REALLY freaked me out.

I went to a big high school, there were nearly 800 kids in my graduating class, and we were one of the smallest classes of our time. That this girl knew so much about me was scary, especially since these were the days before Facebook, etc. I don't think I was at all popular, and while I got into some nasty girl fights with my closest friends, I was never mean to kids I didn't know. I pretty much went through high school and minded my own business. I was never concerned with the cliques or whatnot, and I didn't really belong to a clique. This girl basically seemed to think that I was part of some group of cool kids that thought we were better than everyone. She put a lot of energy into keeping tabs on each of us, and analyzing our choices in high school, and it scared the hell out of me. (I had a problem with a stalker in HS, and it was resolved the year before I got this email. Her attention was really reminiscent of the stalker.)

Anyway, she hated me and I barely knew her. I sent the email to my godmother, who was and is a HS social worker. My godmother calmed me down, and then contacted this girl's school or parents or someone, to get her some help. It remains to this day one of the most bizarre, and troubling, experiences I've ever had.

 

[Haven]

Oh, Ame. Stories like yours make me weepy.

I'm so sorry to hear that you have to suffer these fools.

I cannot stand bullying. The hardest thing about teaching is witnessing the bullying, intervening, and hitting a wall when it comes to the parents. I've never met a parent of a bully who was willing to admit that their child is a bully.

Ugh. I'm all shaky just reading your story. And to think, these people are still behaving like this as adults. Unbelievable.

 

[princesss]

I'm so sorry to hear that so many of us have or have had haters in our lives.

I have on current hater. She's a colleague. I don't want to go into much detail, but I have no idea why she hates me, and I don't play into it at all. In fact, I use the kill-her-with-kindness approach, and it seems to be working. She was very aggressive with me for a while, but I behaved professionally and as if I had no idea that she disliked me. She eventually backed off, and has lately been overly nice to me. It's very strange, the entire situation. Maybe after some time has passed another thread like this will pop up and I'll share more of the story then. It never really bothered me much, per se, since she's a colleague and so I don't have to deal with her in my real life. But still, it is baffling, and very trying, to deal with someone who has such irrational feelings towards you, and thus behaves like an animal instead of a human being.

Haven, I had a very similar situation about a year ago. The only thing I could think to do was be as pleasant as I could, so I smiled and said "Good morning" and "Good night!" every day, treated her respectfully in meetings, and refused to talk about the situation when anybody would bring it up (with the exception of my manager when I finally got fed up with it). She went 6 weeks without speaking to me (when she was supposed to be training me!) while taking every chance she could to trash me when I wasn't around. At some point she snapped out of it, and now she's very pleasant to me. It's actually really confusing.

On top of that, I'm another one that was bullied pretty badly in elementary/middle/high school. It just never stopped and I've never been able to figure out what it is about a kid that can draw bullies. I changed schools a LOT, and every single school I would end up getting bullied. Actually, thinking about it - I was a pretty awkward kid, geeky, and kind of desperate to fit in, which is pretty generally a recipe for the perfect victim of bullying.

Oh well. Now I've got amazing friends, a job that's on the verge of giving me everything I've been working towards for the past almost 4 years, and all in all, a pretty fantastic life (which includes a BF who not only embraces my geekiness, but gets excited when he finds out the depth to my dorkdom because he always forgets about it because I look "so cool," haha).

 

[allycat0303]

I do...there are 2 other residents in my program I can't stand, and a nurse. One of them was an arrogant, mean-spirited guy who was my senior and delighted in torturing me. It got so bad that I asked for a change of program venue last year. At that point the program director intervened. He graduated and is gone, so I don't have to deal with him.

The other resident was previously a friend. We got into an altercation over the work schedule. Of all things! I had done everything to make her happy (beyond the call of necessity...I asked colleagues if I had been reasonable, and the other people thought I had bent over backward for her.) In any case, she was STILL not happy, and ended up yelling+ chewing me out at the nursing station in front of EVERYONE. I didn't say a thing to defend myself, and we haven't spoken since. I will NOT be speaking to her EVER again unless she apologizes. She crossed over the line with me.

There is a nurse that also used to be my friend. There was gossip going around about her (that she slept with 2 other guys while with her boyfriend...and she DID do this, so it's not gossip). It happened before I knew her. Anyways, someone was talking about it, and I was hearing it for the first time and I didn't believe it so I DEFENDED her. Vigorously. Later she sent me a nasty text accusing me of talking about her etc. Which made me really sad because I stood up for her. Since then she's had 2 very unprofessional interactions with me...I didn't respond. I didn't react but I filed 2 complaints against her with the head nurse. It's not just *unprofessional* its actually interactions that could get the hospital sued by the patients, so really unacceptable.

I've kind a learnt that you can't be friends in the workplace. Especially where I work. We're always interacting and the drama translates into continued tension on our floor.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

First off, I'm sorry to hear that so many people have gone through such negativity. While I am very much a 'say what I think' kind of gal, I do try to say things in a nicer way than my younger years.

I currently have 2.5 haters in my life. Two who are juts plain mean and one who just jumps in from time to time with the random mean comment. They talk about me behind my back on a regular (it was daily, the last time I checked) for any and every reason you could think of. They have had plenty to say about my work life, as well as my personal business, all with no provoking. I have nicknamed them 'the unhappy housewives' as I really think they have their own issues and instead of dealing with their own lives and making their own situations better, they would rather just be mean, hateful and malicious. One of these women had me fooled that she was a 'friend' although I always felt a little off about her. The sad thing is, they have so much to say and worry so much about me and they weren't even a blip on my radar until I found out how crazy they were about me. I will never understand. I'm happy, I don't take crap and I'm not a mean person by nature. I'm just not fake, so maybe that bothers them. Eh, they're the ones who are going through divorce, or living with a spouse who they don't like/doesn't like them. It's their own issues and they are just sad women. They think they know my situation, when they have no clue. It was commented that it must be nice living with my parents and being able to buy shoes and clothes and how things will change when I move in with SO. Little do they know, I pay RENT to my parents and when SO asked me to move in with him, he told me he didn't want me to pay him rent at all...lol..these women are idiots! I have no debt, so I can afford new shoes if I want to. I think they're just pissed that I'm not unhappy or full of hate like they are. I don't talk to them and I think the silence bothers them more than anything. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't with them, so I feel ZERO need to go out of my way to 'kill them with kindness'. You ladies who can do that are awesome! I would rather just not talk. They even made a comment about how I could walk down the hall with them and it would be 'crickets'. Um, that is b/c I don't want to make small talk with anyone I don't like...and why should I? It's sad when they can't just be silent and be ok with that. I do tend to make comments around them about how sad it is that people are so malicious, so they know that I know about then. Thankfully I’m not blinded by their fake kindness. I keep these women in my prayers because mean people breed little mean people and they all have children. One can only hope their kids won't be as selfish/rude/generally effed up as their parents.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Wow, when I started this thread, I was thinking poor 'ol me, but now I realized I've never been "tormented" or "bullied" and that using word "hater" is a harsh word that describes some of the people you guys and gals have encountered. I guess mine are just bitter and jealous sour-grapes who are generally just negative people.

I never went into specifics, but in a nutshell:
Coworker was bitter towards me because A) We were about 31 when we were working together. I was having baby #2, and her boyfriend of 11 years had not proposed, so she had a biological timing issue with me. B) My parents paid my way through undergrad, and her parents didn't, so she felt I was spoiled. What she didn't know was that I paid for grad school, and saved my butt off so that I could pay for my wedding with my husband. C) I was getting a new car at the time, and she overheard me on the phone with a Lexus dealer, so she thought once again I was a spoiled brat who could easily afford a luxury car. What she didn't know was that my husband gets his company car, gas and maintenance completely paid for. This lexus was gong to be a joint purchase with our combined incomes, and our "family" vehicle. So, because of A), B), C) she decided I was a someone she should ignore or occasionally make rude comments to.

With my sister-in-law it's the same sour-grapes thing. We are about the same age, and she is jealous of my looks, career, house, kids, social life, and the fact that my father-in-law loved me and had tons of pictures of me all over his house (My husband is the only son) .I think the latest jealous episode was triggered by the amount of Christmas cards I had on my mantle and entertainment center! She was codial at first, when she came over for Christmas dinner, and then when she noticed all my Christmas Cards, she commented that we "knew" alot of people. I said that most of the cards were friends of mine from work, school, church etc. I guess she took that as a jab at her lack of friends?!?! But starting from that point, she kept mentioning that they had other places to go, and she couldn't stay, besides she hates beef (I made a roast) and when I mentioned I made fish too, she said she didn't eat Chilean Sea bass.....
She made faces at every dish she tasted, and told my husband to "get on" with the program so they could leave.

 

[partgypsy]

In grade school and HS though I was an awkward nerd and could have been the one targeted I typically wasnt targeted, more where other people would want to draw me in to their side to basically bully other people. But yeah I definitely saw that behavior and it made me sick to my stomach. So mostly, I was ignored because I didn't want to play their games. So I had a few good friends in HS. Anyways one gymclass beginning of the semester I was sitting by myself in the bleachers, and this one girl who was well liked and on the basketball team chose to go up to me and sit next to me and we struck up a friendship. I always wondered why she chose to be friends with me, because she obviously didn't have to, until I visited her at her house. I went to school in a relatively affluent suburbs, and lets say she and her family lived on the other side of the tracks. We would hang out and shoot horse, and even though we never talked about it, deep down she knew all the people who were friendly with her at school would probably ostracize her if she knew how she lived, and basically it was a superficial relationship. On the other hand we accepted each other for who we were.

There are alot of people who behaved crappily in HS who grew out of it, and I can forgive But if they were pulling that sh*t after highschool, they are probably doomed to be stuck with their sorry ass selves.

 

[iLander]

I can't BELIEVE the crap these haters have been dishing out!

I had a guy teasing me incessantly in middle school about being flat chested. Then one day, I said in front of a bunch of his friends "Do you have a crush on me or something? You sure pay a lot of attention to me, you must like me." His friends laughed and he never bothered me again.

Now I'll tell you this story; I was in sixth grade and science class hadn't started yet. Across the room, I saw a girl, sitting between two other girls, crying. It took me about two seconds to figure out they were picking on her, and it made me MAD! I didn't know any of them, but I walked across the room and got right in their faces and said "What the hell are you doing? Are you making her cry? What is wrong with you? How can you be making her cry, you with your little chipmunk cheeks and being so fat? And you?! You look like a cross between a rooster and a giraffe, what do you have to brag about? Who the hell do you think you are?! STOP IT, or I will kick. Your. Ass." And I meant every word, and they knew it. I said it all quietly, but loud enough that they could hear me. They just stared at me with their mouths open , and they never bothered the other girl again.

I couldn't help it, when I get pissed off, I get REALLY carried away . . .

Now, 35 years later, the girl that was being picked on and I are Best Friends, and have been since that day. (This occurs to me just now, all these years later; where she would have ended up without me? I discovered she had been very depressed all those years before we met, and went home and cried every day. I should ask her. . . )

Ladies: Consider asking these haters "Exactly what is your problem?" I would! Otherwise, call me, and I'll come over and "ask" them for you!

 

[iLander]

AME:

This girl has a crush on you. That's my only explanation, her behaviour is not normal. She wants your attention, and she hates that about herself and is taking it out on you. I think you should ask her if you see her again. Something like this;

"What is wrong with you? Do you have a crush on me? All these years, you're still thinking about me, you have a thing for me? Still got me in your head? That's not normal. Maybe you need to spend more time with your husband, less time thinking about me."

Worked for me one day. It freaks them out, especially if you do it in front of their friends. They can't talk to you again without their friends thinking there's some truth to it.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

Yes, millions and millions of them.

They vote anti-equality when it comes to marriage.

And they SUCK. Each and every one of them!

Agreed!

I don't think that I have any "haters", and I certainly don't hate anyone...but who knows?! If there is someone hating on me then they aren't doing a very good job at it since I don't know about it!

 

[House Cat]

in highschool a group of girls "hated" on me. I never did anything to them, was never mean to them, etc. My guess? some sort of jealous. I wasn't the most popular girl in school but had a high school sweetheart (now my DH) was state ranked in sports, in Honors and AP courses, and my group of friends were well liked. I know they talked about me- and I even joked about it to my friends. who know.... where are they now? hmm,- still doing the same childish things they did in HS. oh well- can't let haters get to you.

So glad I'm not the only one with "haters". Unfortunately, they do get to me, don't know why.

There was a point when I was extremely upset by my SIL's open hostility towards me, and I asked my niece (her daughter), who was about 13 at the time. She told me her mom caught her dad "looking at me" a certain way, and got into a huge fight with him about it. I was not in the wrong, but somehow her hatred of me started from that point on. Nowadays I consciously avoid her husband, and he even avoids eye contact with me for fear of being called out for "looking" at me. Yes, haters do exhibit childish behaviors.

Looking back I should have taken the high road, and not have involved my niece, but at least now I know part of the reason for the jealousy, and that part I can definitely avoid.

I think it's terrible that your neice was privy to that information! How terrible for her to overhear that...

Even more terrible that the OP put this child in the middle of the adult conflict and asked her about confidential family information. Ever hear of boundaries? Maybe this woman just doesn't like something in your personality. I would have to assume that anyone who would have the gall to approach a child about her MOTHER'S innermost feelings, probably has some outward personality issues.

I love how people automatically jump to jealousy, rather than looking inward. Maybe, just maybe, there is a reason to " hate" on you.


As for the bullying, that is sheer torture and I am not advocating that behavior in any way. I am so sorry that anyone has had to experience that kind of behavior.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Anyway, she hated me and I barely knew her. I sent the email to my godmother, who was and is a HS social worker. My godmother calmed me down, and then contacted this girl's school or parents or someone, to get her some help. It remains to this day one of the most bizarre, and troubling, experiences I've ever had.

Haven - how weird and creepy! And to think all that "research" she must have conducted was before info was available online and easy to figure out who people are dating (as in many post about it on facebook) and all that. Sounds like something out of a movie.

Princess - That is confusing how your hater is now nice to you. Out of curiousity, has your work relationship w/her changed as in does she have something to gain? I've had nasty conflicts with individuals who have had suddenly been nice to me after they found it to their advantage!

Overall, I do think that bullying is either a result of low-self esteem or jealousy. I did have a strange "hater" in school. It was the parent of one of the kids in my school. My parents were hippies and had me when they were 18 & 19, so by the time I was in middle school, they still were in their 30s. My parents were ultra frugal and as a result, they got a lot of disrespect from family b/c even though my dad was making good money, we lived in a small apartment and didn't own a car because we lived in the city and could walk/take the bus. Well, my parents had a deep dark secret! They had saved up for a house. So, they found a gorgeous water front home. I think my dad was only 31 or 32 when he bought the house. It was one of the MOMS of one of the kids at my new school who picked on me! It was clear she was jealous that my parents owned such a beautiful house at a young age. She was never nice and I knew how much she hated me because her daughter (who was in my grade) told me. It was beyond weird and petty.

 

[jaysonsmom]

in highschool a group of girls "hated" on me. I never did anything to them, was never mean to them, etc. My guess? some sort of jealous. I wasn't the most popular girl in school but had a high school sweetheart (now my DH) was state ranked in sports, in Honors and AP courses, and my group of friends were well liked. I know they talked about me- and I even joked about it to my friends. who know.... where are they now? hmm,- still doing the same childish things they did in HS. oh well- can't let haters get to you.

So glad I'm not the only one with "haters". Unfortunately, they do get to me, don't know why.

There was a point when I was extremely upset by my SIL's open hostility towards me, and I asked my niece (her daughter), who was about 13 at the time. She told me her mom caught her dad "looking at me" a certain way, and got into a huge fight with him about it. I was not in the wrong, but somehow her hatred of me started from that point on. Nowadays I consciously avoid her husband, and he even avoids eye contact with me for fear of being called out for "looking" at me. Yes, haters do exhibit childish behaviors.

Looking back I should have taken the high road, and not have involved my niece, but at least now I know part of the reason for the jealousy, and that part I can definitely avoid.

I think it's terrible that your neice was privy to that information! How terrible for her to overhear that...

Even more terrible that the OP put this child in the middle of the adult conflict and asked her about confidential family information. Ever hear of boundaries? Maybe this woman just doesn't like something in your personality. I would have to assume that anyone who would have the gall to approach a child about her MOTHER'S innermost feelings, probably has some outward personality issues.

I love how people automatically jump to jealousy, rather than looking inward. Maybe, just maybe, there is a reason to " hate" on you.

As for the bullying, that is sheer torture and I am not advocating that behavior in any way. I am so sorry that anyone has had to experience that kind of behavior.

Wow, and you don't even know me!
I admitted as much that I should not have asked my niece why her mom didn't like me, but it wasn't something she tried to hide from her daughter. She also constantly "hates" her own daughter's friends because they were young and good-looking, and her husband had a roving eye. Instead of hating on her own husband, she took it out on the girls.

 

[princesss]

Princess - That is confusing how your hater is now nice to you. Out of curiousity, has your work relationship w/her changed as in does she have something to gain? I've had nasty conflicts with individuals who have had suddenly been nice to me after they found it to their advantage!

Honestly, I think it's a two part thing that stopped it. First, I think she realized it was only playing to my advantage and not hers to act that way. Second, shortly after that she took a temporary role in another (but related) group, and that became permanent. So now that she's happier about her job, she's not as mean.

 

[mrs jam]

This sounds horrible, and I hesitate to even write it, but my mom has been the only "hater" in my life. She passed away about eight years ago, and I do love her and miss her very much, but I'm also confused by her "hating" to this very day. I can understand some of her comments and actions back in my teenaged years since I did go through a highly obnoxious stage from about 16 - 19. Ok, maybe from 16 - 25! But there were things that she said and did when I was very young that I think really contributed to my feelings of insecurity in certain situations that I still struggle with at times to this day. I can remember one Christmas when I was about 7 or 8 years old that I bought everyone Christmas presents with my own allowance money that I had been saving. I was so proud of myself at the time. After Christmas, she told me how tacky all the gifts I had picked out were, and how she was so embarrassed that I had given such cheap stuff to my family. To make her point, she threw my gift to her in the kitchen trash can. To this day, I agonize over the gifts I pick out to give to people, and all my worry kind of just sucks the joy right of giving.

As a teenager, I admit I spent a lot of time in front of the mirror. But it was due to insecurity about the way I looked and whether or not I was about to get a pimple, which I think is pretty typical for a lot of teenagers. My mom acted like I was looking in the mirror to check out how beautiful I was (not!). One night at a restaurant where we were eating with my aunt, uncle, grandmother, and cousin, I excused myself to the restroom, and my mom announced in a really sarcastic, mean voice to the entire table, "Oh, she can't go five minutes without fawning all over herself in front of a mirror." I remember feeling so humiliated, and just downright ugly. My aunt came into the bathroom a few minutes later to give me a great, big hug while I was crying.

She also showed her dislike for my friends, and as result, I never wanted to invite my friends over to my house. So then she would want to know what I "was up to" and she told my dad my friends and I must not be up to anything good since I never wanted them to come to my house. It was just too embarrassing to me when my friends would ask my why my mom didn't like them.

I feel like I spent most of my childhood and young adult years just trying to fly under her radar. What was so strange to me was that while she could say some really mean things, she could also be very sweet and mothering. I really never knew what Mom I was going to get from one day to the next. A few days after telling me that I was "nothing special to look at," she would then tell me what pretty features I had and how lucky I was to have such a cute figure. She never realized that it was the mean comments that stuck in my teenaged brain, not the complimentary ones.

A few years before she did, she really did make an effort to be close to me. She would tell me that I was her best friend, and that she knew she had made mistakes with me when I was growing up. Of course I forgave her, and I really tried to feel close to her, but it was like the damage was done. I feel guilty about that now that she's gone, but then I remind myself that it is up to the parent to establish a positive relationship with his/her child, not the child. As a kid, I had no power to change our relationship. As an adult, I just no longer had the desire to try to make it work better. This makes me really sad. I must be pms-ing!

 

[mrs jam]

Jaysonsmom, your situation with your sister-in-law got me thinking about the sister-in-law relationship between my mother and my aunt. My aunt (my dad's younger sister) is the most fun-loving, kindest person I have ever known. I adored her as a child, and I still do to this day! She's just one of those people who brighten up a room. My mom, however, despised her. She would be nice to her to her face, but then she would say the most horrible things about her whenever my aunt and uncle would leave after visiting us. As an adult, I wonder now if it bothered her that I obviously loved my aunt's company. It was always stupid things, like "I can't believe she just leaves hair in someone else's sink after she brushes it" and "They must be putting everything they own on their credit cards since he (my uncle) doesn't make near as much as your father." Things that I, as a kid, would have no business hearing! I'm pretty sure she behaved herself around my dad, but I'm sure he couldn't help but pick up on her dislike. As a result, we didn't get to see my aunt a whole lot when we were growing up. I guess it had to have been difficult to feel like he was stuck in the middle between his wife and his sister. I never saw my aunt be anything but kind to my mother, so I have no idea what caused my mom's intense dislike. It's totally irrational, and it's so frustrating to not be able to understand another person's unreasonable dislike of you. I know it's hard, but I would try hard to not let it take up much space in my head if I were you. Let her stew in her own unpleasant feelings. I can't help but feel sorry for people like my mother and your sister-in-law; I'm sure she's hurting inside for some reason, but she has no reason to take it out on you.

 

[Lottie]

This sounds horrible, and I hesitate to even write it, but my mom has been the only "hater" in my life. She passed away about eight years ago, and I do love her and miss her very much, but I'm also confused by her "hating" to this very day. I can understand some of her comments and actions back in my teenaged years since I did go through a highly obnoxious stage from about 16 - 19. Ok, maybe from 16 - 25! But there were things that she said and did when I was very young that I think really contributed to my feelings of insecurity in certain situations that I still struggle with at times to this day. I can remember one Christmas when I was about 7 or 8 years old that I bought everyone Christmas presents with my own allowance money that I had been saving. I was so proud of myself at the time. After Christmas, she told me how tacky all the gifts I had picked out were, and how she was so embarrassed that I had given such cheap stuff to my family. To make her point, she threw my gift to her in the kitchen trash can. To this day, I agonize over the gifts I pick out to give to people, and all my worry kind of just sucks the joy right of giving.

As a teenager, I admit I spent a lot of time in front of the mirror. But it was due to insecurity about the way I looked and whether or not I was about to get a pimple, which I think is pretty typical for a lot of teenagers. My mom acted like I was looking in the mirror to check out how beautiful I was (not!). One night at a restaurant where we were eating with my aunt, uncle, grandmother, and cousin, I excused myself to the restroom, and my mom announced in a really sarcastic, mean voice to the entire table, "Oh, she can't go five minutes without fawning all over herself in front of a mirror." I remember feeling so humiliated, and just downright ugly. My aunt came into the bathroom a few minutes later to give me a great, big hug while I was crying.

She also showed her dislike for my friends, and as result, I never wanted to invite my friends over to my house. So then she would want to know what I "was up to" and she told my dad my friends and I must not be up to anything good since I never wanted them to come to my house. It was just too embarrassing to me when my friends would ask my why my mom didn't like them.

I feel like I spent most of my childhood and young adult years just trying to fly under her radar. What was so strange to me was that while she could say some really mean things, she could also be very sweet and mothering. I really never knew what Mom I was going to get from one day to the next. A few days after telling me that I was "nothing special to look at," she would then tell me what pretty features I had and how lucky I was to have such a cute figure. She never realized that it was the mean comments that stuck in my teenaged brain, not the complimentary ones.

A few years before she did, she really did make an effort to be close to me. She would tell me that I was her best friend, and that she knew she had made mistakes with me when I was growing up. Of course I forgave her, and I really tried to feel close to her, but it was like the damage was done. I feel guilty about that now that she's gone, but then I remind myself that it is up to the parent to establish a positive relationship with his/her child, not the child. As a kid, I had no power to change our relationship. As an adult, I just no longer had the desire to try to make it work better. This makes me really sad. I must be pms-ing!

Mrs Jam, I have nothing useful to add, but I do have a slightly confusing relastionship with my own mother and I just wanted to send you a great big hug. I cannot imagine how a parent could feel anything other than proud that their child had saved to buy christmas gifts for others, so the reaction she gave you is awful and for want of a better word disloyal!

Without wanting to pry, do you think that her relationship with her own mother had any bearing on how she behaved to you? I'm glad you forgave her before she died and I wish you the best.

 

[mrs jam]

Hi Lottie, thank you! My husband and I don't have any kids, but I do have two nieces and a nephew who I adore. I keep every little thing they give me, and our fridge is covered in their artwork! I imagine they could give me their booger collections, and I would still cherish it (or at least make them feel that way!)

That's an interesting question you ask about my mom's relationship with her own mother. She lost her dad at a young age; I think 19, and her mother died shortly after she married my dad, so I never knew my grandparents on my mom's side. However, she did speak of her parents frequently, and it was always with great love, almost close to idolizing them. When I was growing up, I used to love to listen to her stories about her mother. I do sometimes wonder, though, if things were really that picture-perfect in her own childhood. One thing that I didn't really realize until after she passed away was that she had no close friends. Lots of acquaintances and neighbors and friends-who-lunch, but not a close core group of girlfriends.

 

[Porridge]

I can remember one Christmas when I was about 7 or 8 years old that I bought everyone Christmas presents with my own allowance money that I had been saving. I was so proud of myself at the time.

That is just the sweetest thing. You always sound like such a lovely woman, you must have been a sweetheart of a child.

I'm sorry your mother had such a difficult side to her, it must have been very confusing. These things damage us more than one would think.

 

[iota15]

Having swung between being well-liked and hated/bullied, more times than I cared to have had happen, in HS and elementary school, I've always made a point of being very inclusive of everyone, especially those who feel like they have no one. As a happy result, it has netted me a very eclectic, interesting and loyal groups of friends.

I'm also a kill them with kindness kind of girl. It just never made sense to bring their hate/jealousy or negative feelings into my life. I learned very early on that the best revenge is to live the best life you possibly can, and let them stew in their own misery. The side effects of that motto aren't half bad either!

When I read a thread like this and think about the bullying that I was at times under, hard times that are now far in my past, I remember even at the worst of times feeling almost grateful. I don't really know how to explain it but living through it, and trying to be true to the values I was developing, I knew it was making me a stronger person. I was also much more grateful of the people who did stand by me and loved me, however few, or the new people who weren't afraid to be near me, despite the horrid wall of insults and vitriol hurled my way.

I hope my daughter never has to go through something similar, or at least she learns something in the process about her own strength. However, conversely, if I ever find out she's a bully, you can bet I won't be like some of these other parents with their head in the sand. Holy hellfires would spew forth! Haha. (I may be kidding. Lol) And if she's got insecurities, and who doesn't, she will have to find a more healthy way to deal with them than by taking someone else out!