SO still has ex's e-ring, should I be annoyed by this??

[MrsDrP]

My SO (soon to be FI I think ) still has his ex-fiance's engagement ring. He can't stand her, hates the sound of her name, and hasn't spoken a single word to her in almost a year. He says that after they broke up, she gave him the ring back, and he gave it to his mom and told his mom to sell it. To my knowledge, his mother still has this ring. Why hasn't she sold it yet????

This really bothers me sometimes. I know that his ex was very close to his family, and I understand that. Is his mom holding on this ring in the hopes that the two of them will get back together? I really don't think so. He swears to me that his mom could never accept her into their family again after what she did to him. But...why not get rid of it ASAP? He is a med school student and could certainly use the money! His excuse for his mom not selling it is that she wants to get back as close to what he paid for it as she can. Well, there really isn't anything special about this ring. It's very boring and kind of outdated. I keep telling him that he will be lucky if he gets even half of what he paid for it and he should just accept the loss.

I guess what I'm struggling with is...I understand that for him and for his mom it's about the money (I think). They want to get the best deal they can for it. But seriously...it doesn't seem like she's really trying that hard to sell the thing. I want us to start our journey to marriage and our new life without any reminders of our past. I respect the fact that he gave it to his mom so he didn't have to deal with it, but it just REALLY bothers me to know that it's still within his family. I want it gone!!!

Am I wrong to feel this way?

How long should I be patient before I say anything to him about it?

And how should I approach it when I do want to say something to him?

Any advice would be great....I don't want to overreact about something if it is really nothing, and I don't want to say the wrong thing and make a fool out of myself.

Also, any advice on a fast way to sell the ring would be nice.

Thank yall!

 

[maebelle]

There is a new forum under "Pricescope Cafe" called "Preloved PS jewels". You can list the ring on a different website and then post it there and all of PS will be able to peruse it, maybe it'll be perfect for someone else.

You can't stop the way you feel about the ring still being in his mother's procession, but you can make sure that you talk to your SO and his mother in a rational way, instead of letting your emotions do all the talking. Really, you all want the same thing, to sell the ring and never have to think about it ever again!

 

[TooPatient]

Look over at the forum (Pre-Loved).

I would be upset too. You need to talk (calmly) to your SO and explain your feelings and then HE needs to get his mom to sell it NOW or he needs to take it back and deal with it himself (up to and including selling for scrap value).

FI has something in our storage shed that belonged to his ex-wife. This thing (a diploma) bugs me. He hasn't seen/spoken to her in over 15 years and has no clue where she or her family is. But he hangs on to it and doesn't want to get rid of it "in case he runs into her or her brother sometime so he can give it back".... Yeah. That isn't likely to happen and IF it was something she needed, she would have already replaced it or contacted him long ago.

The feelings don't go away. Rational or not. They will just sit and fester.


If you need a great way to explain it to him, ask how he'd feel if you still had a frilly little negligee that your ex had given you for an anniversary/b-day present. (I'd try a rational conversation first, but if he really just can't understand that you have feelings and that whether he sees them as reasonable or not, they are still there)


Good luck!

 

[MissStepcut]

I really, really don't think you should take this personally. She's just suffering from an investor pitfall: the mistaken belief that it's not really a loss until you sell the asset.

 

[madelise]

Sell it for him.

Tell him that you know he and his mother are busy, and you'll do them the favor. That way you can take control of it, since you're getting hurt by their lack of- ridding it. your excuse to speed up the process could be that, currently, prices for gold and diamonds are pretty inflated.. And you want to take advantage in getting the most buck out of this bang


(but honestly, if it were me, I'd just take it and trade it in somewhere for a present for myself lol!!)

 

[atp223]

i can totally understand why him still having that around would bug you. however, given that he is in med school, he's probably pretty poor at the moment, so if it represented a huge financial investment to him (even if it wasn't objectively that expensive), i can also see how he would want to try to get some of his money back from it.

that being said, i'm so with madelise! since he clearly isn't hurting financially so much that he has had to sell it thus far, and it appears he has already paid for your ring, i would try to convince him to let you do something with it - trade it for another diamond to wear as a pendant, or a pair of earrings! i want to say *i* would just take THAT diamond and set it into a pendant and keep it, but i can totally see how if it was sentimentally presented to an ex that could bother me...being materialistic v. being sentimental...not sure which would win out!!!! (ps can you tell I'm on a crusade to own a pendant?) OR, if it's not a super ideal cut, you could send it into a vendor to have it recut, and THEN have it set in a pendant - and then be satisfied that you got something better that she never would have had...or maybe they would recut and let you trade for something they perceive to be of equal/lessor value...

either way, there are options here! but i think your feelings are understandable and you should talk to him about it.

 

[MrsDrP]

Thank you all for your input. It feels nice to know that I'm not completely nuts for letting this bother me.

I brought it up to him, and he was pretty adamant about getting a certain amount for it (which I don't think he will get for it...but maybe?)

The option of taking the diamond out of it has crossed my mind a few times. I LOVE diamonds! It's a princess cut diamond, but I'm not sure of the specs. I'm not even sure if it has a GIA certificate or not. I've seen it once, and to be honest, it doesn't really appeal to me. Even the diamond doesn't really tickle my fancy. I don't think he put very much thought into that ring, he just went in the jewelry store one day and came out with it to shut her up. My ring costs twice as much hers did, so I know he can't be hurting for money too bad right now, but I do want him to get as much as he can for it. As far as I'm concerned, his money is soon-to-be OUR money, this I want to get what it's worth.

Maybe one of you could tell me what to expect as far as what he will get for it. He paid around $4000 for it, it isn't a designer setting, it's a pretty generic ring that many chain jewelry stores carry. It appraised for $5000, and he doesn't want to take less than $2500 for it. I don't think he will get that much for it. What do y'all think? I have always heard that diamonds are a terrible investment and the resale value of them is horrible. Is this true?

 

[madelise]

I usually find the B&M chain stores double (at least.. They're always super inflated to make you feel you got a "good deal") the price on the appraisal of what it's actually worth when purchased. From that price.. I wouldn't expect anyone to buy it 2nd hand for more than half of THAT.. :T do you know the stats of the stone? Why don't you bring it in for a verbal opinion from another jeweler?

 

[LJL]

Yea, I'm thinking hes not gonna get more than $1000-1500 for it unless he finds a real sucker. He should really list it on ebay or craigslist or ANYTHING to see if it will sell. Doesnt take much effort and then its gone!
Its sort of funny to me that he thinks hes gonna get a large amount for it. I think that people who are totally inexperienced when it comes to diamonds tend to think that they MUST hold their value more than they actually do. As far as how to approach it to him, I'm not going to be that much help on that. I say EVERYTHING I feel so I would tell him that I think its suspicious that he doesn't want to get rid of it and tell him to take it to an appraiser to see what he would ACTUALLY be able to get for it. But be specific and say "what can I expect to sell this for on the secondhand market" or better yet - just take it to a pawn shop. If it bothers you I think you need to let him know all the crazy-girl reasons behind it and tell him it needs to GO. I think I would also say "In X months, we will be together as one and I will sell the damn thing with or without your say-so!" but again.... I'm not that great of a source of advice here...

I had some pieces of jewelry from exs - I took em to the pawn shop real quick, got some quick money and washed my hands of it. It would feel weird to me if I still had that stuff.

 

[marymm]

Ya know, I really don't think you should be annoyed by it... from what you describe, your SO actually doesn't have the ring - his mom has it, with instructions to sell it. It's not like he has it tucked away in his box of mementos or something. Still, since you two are almost at the point of being engaged yourselves, I definitely understand your preference not to have that other ring "around" so to speak. If it were me, I don't think I'd want to be involved in selling my SO's ex-fiance's ring... I don't know that I'd even want to bring it up and make it an issue, when really it is clear it holds no good memories for him. But maybe you'd feel better if you did offer to your SO to help him or his mom with selling the ring - tell him that you know of a couple reputable online forums where it could be posted, etc. (I'm guessing his mom probably hasn't already sold it because she doesn't know the best way to sell a diamond ring in the second-hand market.)

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Has your partner asked for your instruction on how is dispose of the ring? Moreover, before you raised the issue, did he discuss it with you at all?

If he has not solicited your help in any way, then I must beg interference on your part. You cannot possibly know the reasoning behind his Mother's actions and I suspect offering "uninvited intervention" may not be well received. In fact it may come across as childish and petty (green eye monster and all that) and you may not get the outcome you want/intend. Just MHO of course.

cheers--Sharon

 

[mrs jam]

HI:

Has your partner asked for your instruction on how is dispose of the ring? Moreover, before you raised the issue, did he discuss it with you at all?

If he has not solicited your help in any way, then I must beg interference on your part. You cannot possibly know the reasoning behind his Mother's actions and I suspect offering "uninvited intervention" may not be well received. In fact it may come across as childish and petty (green eye monster and all that) and you may not get the outcome you want/intend. Just MHO of course.

cheers--Sharon

I agree. Since you say he is not hurting for money, I don't understand the preoccupation with the ring (and your need to talk about how generic it is and that he bought it to "shut her up.") My advice would be to not interfere with his original plan to sell it in his own time. You sound really emotional about it for whatever reason, and it honestly sounds like you're insecure. It's just a ring from his past engagement; it's not even in his possession since his mom has it. How is it making you upset? Try to focus on your own ring, which I'm sure is lovely. No need to keep comparing it to the one he bought his former fiancée.

 

[swingirl]

I agree. Since you say he is not hurting for money, I don't understand the preoccupation with the ring (and your need to talk about how generic it is and that he bought it to "shut her up.") My advice would be to not interfere with his original plan to sell it in his own time. You sound really emotional about it for whatever reason, and it honestly sounds like you're insecure. It's just a ring from his past engagement; it's not even in his possession since his mom has it. How is it making you upset? Try to focus on your own ring, which I'm sure is lovely. No need to keep comparing it to the one he bought his former fiancée.

I agree. Men don't hold such emotion attachment to a piece of jewelry. It's not even in his possession any more. And selling it is not as easy as you would think. I doubt his mother is keeping in case they get back together. So let it be and don't interfere other then offering PS as a source of information for selling the ring on the internet.

 

[MissStepcut]

Thank you all for your input. It feels nice to know that I'm not completely nuts for letting this bother me.

I brought it up to him, and he was pretty adamant about getting a certain amount for it (which I don't think he will get for it...but maybe?)

The option of taking the diamond out of it has crossed my mind a few times. I LOVE diamonds! It's a princess cut diamond, but I'm not sure of the specs. I'm not even sure if it has a GIA certificate or not. I've seen it once, and to be honest, it doesn't really appeal to me. Even the diamond doesn't really tickle my fancy. I don't think he put very much thought into that ring, he just went in the jewelry store one day and came out with it to shut her up. My ring costs twice as much hers did, so I know he can't be hurting for money too bad right now, but I do want him to get as much as he can for it. As far as I'm concerned, his money is soon-to-be OUR money, this I want to get what it's worth.

Maybe one of you could tell me what to expect as far as what he will get for it. He paid around $4000 for it, it isn't a designer setting, it's a pretty generic ring that many chain jewelry stores carry. It appraised for $5000, and he doesn't want to take less than $2500 for it. I don't think he will get that much for it. What do y'all think? I have always heard that diamonds are a terrible investment and the resale value of them is horrible. Is this true?

When did he buy it? Diamond prices have risen quite a bit. He might be able to sell it for around ~2500; impossible to tell without knowing the certifying lab, color, clarity, carat size...

 

[tuffyluvr]

I completely understand why you would feel upsset, but I don't think you should let it get to you. As so many others have pointed out, it's sure to be more the pain of losing money by selling it on the secondary market than for sentimental reasons.

 

[MrsDrP]

I spoke with him about it a couple days ago, and he agreed that he wanted it gone too. He is going to ask his mom about why it is taking her so long.

LJL - I'm so much like you! I say everything I feel too....and if he hasn't sold it by the time we are married (which will probably be this coming June) then I will absolutely trade it in for the value of the diamond and the metal at one of those "WE BUY GOLD" places! I'm pretty firm in my beliefs about certain things, and I don't think it's acceptable to have a ring that once symbolized the same promise he is about to make to me just lying around his house. I will be patient for a little longer, but it shouldn't take a year to sell a ring like that one. I don't think I'm asking for much!

I'm sure once I get my beautiful bling (which should be any day now!!!! ) I'll completely forget about this. I thought it was going to happen last night...but no. Maybe Thanksgiving???

 

[liarudd]

I think you are over reacting -- its a ring and they haven't spoken in a year and it is not like he talks about his X plus his mother has it....... you know they are going to sell it so its not like they even care about the ring... it would be different if his x was still in the picture but shes not so i dont think it is anything to be getting upset about

 

[blueberrydot]

His mom made a wise choice by holding onto that ring, because diamond prices have gone up in price by like 30% in the last two years alone. He still won't get a LOT of money for the ring, not anywhere close to what he paid for it, but certainly he would be getting back significantly more than if he had unloaded the ring a year ago. Perhaps when the economy tanked his mom foresaw that the price of commodities like diamonds, gold, etc would be on the rise?

ETA: fwiw, I wouldn't be bothered about the fact that neither of them have sold the ring yet - it's just not something that's in the forefront of either of their minds. I know if my FI were in the same boat, it would be AAAAAGES before he did anything about it and even then it would probably be me who would have to take the steps to sell the ring. My FI's wallet was stolen a while back and a few months ago the police called to tell him that they caught the man who stole his wallet and it's there for him to pick up at the police station. All the money that was in there is gone and the credit cards were all canceled but there are a few gift cards and other things that are still of value, but he still hasn't gone to pick it up and it's been months! If it were me, I would have been at the station the first day to pick it up, but since there's no urgency, his attitude is just like "whatever, I'll get it when I get around to it." In the end, it will probably be me who will pick up the wallet haha. Your FI is probably the same way about this - it's not an urgent matter to him to get rid of the ring, plus he figures his mom will take care of it eventually, so it's not a big deal to him. I will say though, that if he realizes it is a big deal to you then he should step up and handle it.

 

[star sparkle]

I can totally see why you'd be annoyed by it, and I'm sure I'd also be annoyed if in the same situation, but I don't think you should take it personally. My ex-FI let slip within the last couple of months that he still has my old e-ring, and we've been broken up for almost 3 years. He has a new g/f now, too, but I don't know if she knows he has it. But yeah, he has it and we're still on talking terms, but we both know we're never getting back together so I know he's not keeping it because he's harboring some secret hope of getting back together with me. I'm sure it's the same for your BF.

 

[beesha77]

Ya know, I really don't think you should be annoyed by it... from what you describe, your SO actually doesn't have the ring - his mom has it, with instructions to sell it. It's not like he has it tucked away in his box of mementos or something. Still, since you two are almost at the point of being engaged yourselves, I definitely understand your preference not to have that other ring "around" so to speak. If it were me, I don't think I'd want to be involved in selling my SO's ex-fiance's ring... I don't know that I'd even want to bring it up and make it an issue, when really it is clear it holds no good memories for him. But maybe you'd feel better if you did offer to your SO to help him or his mom with selling the ring - tell him that you know of a couple reputable online forums where it could be posted, etc. (I'm guessing his mom probably hasn't already sold it because she doesn't know the best way to sell a diamond ring in the second-hand market.)

Exactly this.

 

[Amys Bling]

Ya know, I really don't think you should be annoyed by it... from what you describe, your SO actually doesn't have the ring - his mom has it, with instructions to sell it. It's not like he has it tucked away in his box of mementos or something. Still, since you two are almost at the point of being engaged yourselves, I definitely understand your preference not to have that other ring "around" so to speak. If it were me, I don't think I'd want to be involved in selling my SO's ex-fiance's ring... I don't know that I'd even want to bring it up and make it an issue, when really it is clear it holds no good memories for him. But maybe you'd feel better if you did offer to your SO to help him or his mom with selling the ring - tell him that you know of a couple reputable online forums where it could be posted, etc. (I'm guessing his mom probably hasn't already sold it because she doesn't know the best way to sell a diamond ring in the second-hand market.)

agreed.

 

[pregcurious]

I totally agree with you on an emotional level, and think he should have sold the ring as soon as possible.

However, you're not his wife or fiance yet. It's best for you, and your relationship with his mom, to stay out of it. Let it go for your own sake. While it's natural (and sometimes healthy because it shows you care) to feel jealous and threatened by exes, be careful not to make yourself look controlling. It's his money, and now his mom is involved. You do not want to get on his mom's bad side over an ex's ring...it would be sadly ironic if ring from a past relationship hurt your current relationship.

 

[MrsDrP]

UPDATE

The ring is now sitting in a pre-owned section of a local jewelry store. It's gone!!!

I'm glad that I spoke up about it because y'all were right...they had forgotten about it! But now
It's taken care of and I'm happy as a lark!