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Do your kids run your life?

pennquaker09

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I think in our house there is a sense of organized chaos. Collectively, the twins do not run our lives. If there is something that either of us want to do, then we'll do it. But, my SO is a physician so we never know if he's going to be called in and occasionally, he will stay at the hospital overnight to watch a patient.

Now, since I'm a SAHD, I think it would be appropriate to say that they do run my days. Since we just moved, we don't do the same things that we did in New Jersey, but I'm sure that we'll have normal things that they can do once we find our way around the area.

This year was the first year since the twins were born that I've spent a night away from home. And it was possible because they've been exposed to other people besides Nate and I. Of course Nate was still there, but he's not the primary caregiver so it was a big deal for us. It was a test to see how things will be in the future.

For Father's Day last year, Nate was going to give me a trip to London for Wimbledon, and without batting an eye I told him that I didn't want to do that. I couldn't imagine being gone for that long. I think now I could go on a vacation without the twins, and it would bother me more than it would bother them. Or, if anything, Gray would have a bit of a time. But, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Maybe it's just me, but I really like being with my kids. I wouldn't have gone through all of the hoops to have them otherwise.
 

Jennifer W

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That's kind of how we feel too. We'd spend the whole vacation wondering what she was doing, wishing she could see whatever we were seeing and so on.

Have to say, she isn't much work on a day to day basis. Well, not for me. J does most of the drudge work. ;)) She sleeps as soon as you start the car engine and will go to bed pretty much anywhere at night, so long as we give her a bath and the right soft toy first. She's the sort of kid who gets a lot of joy out of life, so taking her on vacation is fun, watching her reaction to new things is really cool. We're not beach resort people though - if that was what we wanted to do, we'd be less likely to want a toddler with us, fair enough!

Pandora, I think it is about cultural expectations. My cousins are American, and they leave their kids with their parents when they travel once a year or so, nobody bats an eyelid. They take a family vacation later in the year all together. All their friends do that too. I think it's totally normal. (Plus they get two vacations - maybe we should reconsider...) :bigsmile:

I don't count work trips, conferences, and out of town meetings btw - by vacation, I mean both parents away together for a week or more.

I'm not a great traveler at the best of times though. Every time I get on a plane, I assume it will fall from the sky. Every time I get off a plane, I believe I've actually cheated death. I don't want both of my child's parents to be on the same plane at the same time without her. ;))
 

TravelingGal

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I have to vacation without the kid. Have to. It's not a vacation otherwise. So far in her young life, we went to Oz for a wedding when she was 1.5 years old, and we went for 8 or 9 days. We've also gone on two 5 day trips to Carmel and quite a few weekend getaways. Next year we do another 9 dayer or so to Scotland.

I am lucky to have a mom who is willing to watch her. She keeps telling me that she won't be around forever so that we need to go take time away to be a couple, and I totally agree. We also do family vacations (we just went to Hawaii last year). I think that the next year or two will signal the end of couple only long trips for awhile as my mom is getting older - as is Amelia! Which means it will be more fun to have Amelia go on vacation with us and traveling should be easier. But TGuy and I will continue to try and do an annual short getaway (maybe a weekend) for as long as we are able.

We're just happier after a couples only vacation, and ready to face the world of parenting again with renewed energy!
 

janinegirly

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I think it really depends on the people and where they are in life. In the example you gave, perhaps they really are bypassing something they want to do due to "bedtime" or maybe it's just an excuse to get out of something she wouldn't want to do anyway! I think in a lot of cases it's the latter. I hear so much chatter from people at work complaining of their home life, kids fighting, sucking their cash reserves and sleep,etc.etc. I mean it sounds awful and I used to think "not me, I'll do it differently!"

Now life did change and leisure and vegging time (and of course care free vacations without coolers and giant diaper bags) are tough to come by but I really overall don't mind it. It's just different..I had 15+ years to be carefree with no real purpose other than making money for vacationa, rent and clothes...life moves into different phases through the decades as it should or else it gets boring.

So I guess my answer is a bit of both, when kids are young, you sacrifice alot and it's not so fun. But it passes quickly and once they are more independent (as early as toddler years) it's a lot easier! Grandparents are there to watch for a weekend or 2 and when we are alone, it's fun but then we start talking about our daughter and laughing over what she did/said. You don't have to let it dominate your life, but often, subconsciouslly, you like that it does. At least that's how I see it.
 

Jennifer W

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Yeah, but if I had your mom, I'd leave my kid with her too. Actually, would she consider taking just one more Amelia for a week? :bigsmile:
 

partgypsy

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I don't know TG, if your mom is the mom I'm thinking of who looks so young for her age, looks like she will be around for quite a while!
 

KimberlyH

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We're a family and work together to meet all of our needs first, wants second. And because we have a toddler her needs come first. If we had a child who slept anywhere we'd be more flexible about sleep schedules, but she's not, so we aren't. I don't feel ruled by her -- and I stay home and do 90% of the childcare -- I am a parent who does what is best for my child (and what's best is definitely unique to each child). My husband is great about taking her so I can go for a run or run errands, etc. but I really don't enjoy being away from her so I'm not very often.

We plan to leave her with my parents overnight in the fall, and it's as much for them as us, because we live some distance and they only see her ~once a month. It will be nice to be with my husband alone, but we will both miss her terribly.
 

MonkeyPie

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KimberlyH|1307409466|2939458 said:
We're a family and work together to meet all of our needs first, wants second. And because we have a toddler her needs come first. If we had a child who slept anywhere we'd be more flexible about sleep schedules, but she's not, so we aren't. I don't feel ruled by her -- and I stay home and do 90% of the childcare -- I am a parent who does what is best for my child (and what's best is definitely unique to each child). My husband is great about taking her so I can go for a run or run errands, etc. but I really don't enjoy being away from her so I'm not very often.

We plan to leave her with my parents overnight in the fall, and it's as much for them as us, because we live some distance and they only see her ~once a month. It will be nice to be with my husband alone, but we will both miss her terribly.

Ditto to pretty much all of this. Micah was a choice we made - we CHOSE to have a baby, so we should CHOOSE to take care of his needs first. I have a serious problem with any parent that puts themselves before their child, considering that child has no say in what happens to them. Assuming that your child will sleep when you want them to and go where you want them to go is pretty naive.
 

TravelingGal

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Thanks gals. Yes, my mom looks young, but she is getting older and it's harder to keep up with an active kid. I hope she'll be around forever, but she says she wants to go before she's 80. Not that we have a choice in that in life, but you just never know.
 

Tacori E-ring

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Why do women judge other women so harshly? It really is a shame. I was about to jump on the runaway train but thankfully came to my senses :Up_to_something:
 

Jennifer W

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I don't really see (and certainly don't intend to pass) judgment here? We all do what we think is the best thing to do, and it's interesting to hear how other people do it / see it / approach it, whatever it is. Interesting to discuss and get other perspectives on family priorities and approaches to parenting. I think almost everyone here has said that they do what's best for their family, and recognised that won't extend to anyone else's family. There's no 'right' way to do it.

That said, we all do what we think is best - by definition, that will mean we've considered and rejected alternatives. If someone has chosen one of these alternatives, it creates some level of cognitive dissonance.

Bottom line for me is that I have no right to an opinion on how anyone else raises their child and I'm sorry if it comes across as though I think I do.
 

Laila619

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Dreamer_D|1307154223|2937416 said:
My kid(s soon) do not run my life. I would go out once a week if I wanted, provided my husband could do bedtime.

That said, I respect my kids nap and bedtime schedules in a way that some parents do not. Nap times and bedtime are sacred, we do not strectch them or expect our kid to make do sleeping somewhere else unless we have to for some reason -- like we are away out of town for a day and he will nap in the car. This was more of a life interruption when he was napping 3x per day and went to bed at night by 6:30. But life is easier with a well rested kid. So that is the one area where I guess my kid does "run my life". Before having kids I rolled my eyes at parents who were like that about naps and sleep time. Now that I am a parent, I know it is really a boon for US, because it means a happier more managable child, and more us-time in the long run.

Yep, I am the same way.

DH and I have learned that if we want our 6 month old son to be happy and well-rested, we really can't mess with his sleep schedule. It just never works and we always pay the price (well, and DS pays the price too). For instance, we got invited to a kid's 5th birthday party, but it's at 6-9pm on a Friday night. We will definitely not be going, as my son needs to go to bed between 7:30-8pm. Otherwise he gets overtired and it can take us two HOURS to get him down. No thanks! :knockout:

But for anything else, no, my kid does not run my life.
 

megumic

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Tacori E-ring|1307461075|2939832 said:
Why do women judge other women so harshly? It really is a shame. I was about to jump on the runaway train but thankfully came to my senses :Up_to_something:

I'm not sure I understand your post :confused:
 

Mara

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Laila, a 5 year old's bday at 6-9pm? Is it just me or is that kind of odd? Maybe it's the norm, ask me in 3.5 more years. :bigsmile: But I dunno, my kid's worst hours are at the end of his day, so don't think I'd plan his bday party then.
 

pennquaker09

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I won't say that I've lost friends since becoming a parent, but there are people I talk to a lot less because I got tired of them questioning my decision to have kids.
 

hawaiianorangetree

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Oh dear.. I had to laugh at myself when I reread my post. I sound exactly like someone who thinks they know how it's all going to work even though they have never had a baby yet. Except that I have. I'll put that down to it being so long ago and the memory has gotten a little fuzzy after almost 11 years (eek!)

I have to say though, I didn't really think any of the mums here exhibited any situations where I thought "omg that child is running your life". Certainly not like I have seen in my own personal life. I would see going down for a nap half an hour early so that you only arrive half an hour late to be a normal thing to do when you have a baby. As Mara said, she made the routine, the baby did not. I also completely understand sticking to a sleep routine to save your own sanity.

Pandoras example of her friend is the level of rigidity that I was referring to, that I personally woulnt do myself. And if I'm honest, I'm a little sensitive to the whole sleep schedule interfering with other things because that was the reason I chose not to have my sister as my bridesmaid at my wedding, because I didn't think she would put me before her kids naps on my wedding day, so I kind of have a strong opinion on that one.

I still stand by my decision to parent the way that I did (too late now anyway!) And I think part of the reason for my different perspective and outlook to parenting was partly because of the age that I had her and partly because I had to make decisions that were going to be better for my little family in the bigger picture. I was 20 when she was born and my boyfriend up and left the week before she was due. I was obviously not in the position to stay at home for the next five years and care for her. I could have by living on welfare, but I wouldn't be where I am today if I did. I had to go to Uni and I had to go to work, I had to build my life and grow up and all of those things made an impact on the way I chose to have my baby in my life. I was obviously lucky in that she was a really good baby. If I had had a baby that wouldnt sleep anywhere but in his cot at home then I'm guessing it could have been a different story. I'm willing to bet though that how I brought her up has contributed to the adaptable independent and resilient young lady that she is today and I don't see that as a bad thing.

I also would have thought that knowingly and willingly exposing a baby to 2nd hand cigarette smoke for your own convenience would be a much poorer parenting choice than having a baby sleep in a porta cot in someone's spare room once in a while. You know what they say about stones and glass houses... 8)
 

Laila619

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Mara|1307505837|2940488 said:
Laila, a 5 year old's bday at 6-9pm? Is it just me or is that kind of odd? Maybe it's the norm, ask me in 3.5 more years. :bigsmile: But I dunno, my kid's worst hours are at the end of his day, so don't think I'd plan his bday party then.

Mara, that's what I thought! I told DH I was pretty sure we wouldn't be the only ones saying no. My guess is it's at the park district pool, and maybe Saturday afternoon was already booked or they couldn't get the pool during daytime hours. Still a bad time though.
 

Dreamer_D

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Laila619|1307536422|2940623 said:
Mara|1307505837|2940488 said:
Laila, a 5 year old's bday at 6-9pm? Is it just me or is that kind of odd? Maybe it's the norm, ask me in 3.5 more years. :bigsmile: But I dunno, my kid's worst hours are at the end of his day, so don't think I'd plan his bday party then.

Mara, that's what I thought! I told DH I was pretty sure we wouldn't be the only ones saying no. My guess is it's at the park district pool, and maybe Saturday afternoon was already booked or they couldn't get the pool during daytime hours. Still a bad time though.

Some kids go to bed very late it seems to me. I think I recall reading/hearing somewhere that most school age kids are actually sleep deprived because they actually need about 12 hours per day (night) of sleep which still growing, but most get much less.

I think at 5 Hunter will still be in bed by 8pm, so we would not be having a party until 9pm! That is for sure!
 

megumic

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Dreamer_D|1307598140|2941410 said:
Laila619|1307536422|2940623 said:
Mara|1307505837|2940488 said:
Laila, a 5 year old's bday at 6-9pm? Is it just me or is that kind of odd? Maybe it's the norm, ask me in 3.5 more years. :bigsmile: But I dunno, my kid's worst hours are at the end of his day, so don't think I'd plan his bday party then.

Mara, that's what I thought! I told DH I was pretty sure we wouldn't be the only ones saying no. My guess is it's at the park district pool, and maybe Saturday afternoon was already booked or they couldn't get the pool during daytime hours. Still a bad time though.

Some kids go to bed very late it seems to me. I think I recall reading/hearing somewhere that most school age kids are actually sleep deprived because they actually need about 12 hours per day (night) of sleep which still growing, but most get much less.

I think at 5 Hunter will still be in bed by 8pm, so we would not be having a party until 9pm! That is for sure!

When I nannied for 5 kids, the baby was in bed at 6:30. The 4 and 6 year old were in bed at 7, and the 8 and 10 year old were in bed at 7:30. Nobody was allowed out of bed until 7am and everyone slept until 7am -- they all really did need the full 12 hours! And if we ever missed bedtime by a little bit, forget it. They were all out of whack, wouldn't go to sleep, cranky for days, etc.

Sleep is key. Which is why I began this thread in the first place to see how everyone handles their own needs as adults simultaneously with their kids needs. I appreciate everyone's $0.02.
 

Amber St. Clare

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canuk-gal|1307212618|2937768 said:
HI:

Yes, absolutely! He is almost 18 and for the first time I feel things are out of my control! I miss the days when I could put him to bed on time!

cheers--Sharon


Oh Sharon, I know exactly how you feel--mine is a bit older and I MISS JUST ABOUT everything!!!!! I became a mother knowing that just about everything in my life was going to change and was happy about it! I was a SAHM. I would walk Sean to the bus stop at night and when my husband got off the bus I was off duty. Rich insisted on taking over--since he missed feeding him they shared dessert, bathing, some quiet play and story hour.We both did bedtime. They were wonderful times and get teary sometimes just thinking about it.
 
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