Declining gifts (I know, of all the problems to have...)

[suchende]

So, my boyfriend of about a year is Bengali. I am the first girl he brought home, and his mother always wanted a daughter, so she's been unthinkably sweet to me. One of the ways she is sweet is through very generous gifts of clothes, coats, shoes and jewelry. Frankly, it's starting to make me uncomfortable. Tonight, she tried to give me an heirloom ring and pendant that she brought back from Bangladesh. Eep! While I think there's a real chance the BF and I will get married, I do not feel comfortable accepting family heirlooms at this point!

BF has talked to her about scaling back, but apparently it didn't take. Obviously I am glad she likes me and BF's father told him to tell me that it's a cultural thing. I don't want to send the wrong message.

What would you do? Should I take them and then just give them to BF to store? Tell her firmly it's too much?

 

[kenny]

It's always tough when combining cultures into a marriage.
I'd try to find others to consult from that culture and see what their take on it is.

Do keep in mind that no matter how much you respect another culture, yours is not to be abandoned.
To some degree it is HER job to recognize that too.
This might be a great time to establish the importance of give and take and open communication on the subject.

 

[iheartscience]

I don't know...I think it's a bit of a slap in the face to return or decline gifts, especially if it's cultural. I would just keep accepting them gracefully. And worst case, if you and your boyfriend break up, you can always return the family heirloom pieces to him.

 

[swingirl]

I would accept everything graciously, send thank you notes, and keep in mind if you do break up you will return the heirlooms and valuable jewelry. Since it's important in her culture you need to respect that and not insult your future in-laws. I think it's a great compliment because she thinks you are worthy of her son. With all the mother-in-law horror stories you read about consider yourself very lucky!

 

[suchende]

Oh, I definitely consider myself lucky! I just never thought his mother would present me with a diamond ring before him!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I agree with everyone else, accept the gifts graciously and if you do happen to part ways, return them.

 

[mrscushion]

Yep - just dittoing everyone else.

 

[rosetta]

I'm Bengali.

Accept everything graciously you lucky duck!

If it makes you feel better, I got diamond bangles the first time I met my in-laws.

Definitely a cultural thing. She considers you her daughter already, lap it up!

 

[Indylady]

I would accept everything graciously, send thank you notes, and keep in mind if you do break up you will return the heirlooms and valuable jewelry. Since it's important in her culture you need to respect that and not insult your future in-laws. I think it's a great compliment because she thinks you are worthy of her son. With all the mother-in-law horror stories you read about consider yourself very lucky!

This exactly.

 

[lbbaber]

I wish my MIL was Bangali...lucky girl!!! Everyone was right on point with this one. Accept the gifts graciously but return them if you happen to break up.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

My advice: never do anything to upset the MIL or question her actions when they're meant with good intention!!!

You're lucky to have such a thoughtful MIL! I do think heirlooms should stay in family so if things don't work out, they should be returned. Otherwise enjoy!

 

[suchende]

I'm Bengali.

Accept everything graciously you lucky duck!

If it makes you feel better, I got diamond bangles the first time I met my in-laws.

Definitely a cultural thing. She considers you her daughter already, lap it up!

THANK YOU SO MUCH! This makes me feel a million times better!

I will follow PS consensus and just be very, very careful with things I may some day have to return.

 

[suchende]

My advice: never do anything to upset the MIL or question her actions when they're meant with good intention!!!

You're lucky to have such a thoughtful MIL! I do think heirlooms should stay in family so if things don't work out, they should be returned. Otherwise enjoy!

I completely agree.

 

[tyty333]

I would accept everything graciously, send thank you notes, and keep in mind if you do break up you will return the heirlooms and valuable jewelry. Since it's important in her culture you need to respect that and not insult your future in-laws. I think it's a great compliment because she thinks you are worthy of her son. With all the mother-in-law horror stories you read about consider yourself very lucky!

Yep...this is what I would do! Use them and enjoy them...but if you do break up, graciously return the heirlooms and anything
that may have been over the top.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I would accept everything graciously, send thank you notes, and keep in mind if you do break up you will return the heirlooms and valuable jewelry. Since it's important in her culture you need to respect that and not insult your future in-laws. I think it's a great compliment because she thinks you are worthy of her son. With all the mother-in-law horror stories you read about consider yourself very lucky!

I totally agree with this. You {and she!!} are extremely fortunate she is so welcoming and giving. You can consider the goodies on loan if it makes you feel better.

 

[suchende]

Thanks everyone. I feel a lot better about it today. I just felt a little overwhelmed last night. Thinking of them as "on loan" helps. Loving how this 22 karat gold looks helps too!

 

[tyty333]

Thanks everyone. I feel a lot better about it today. I just felt a little overwhelmed last night. Thinking of them as "on loan" helps. Loving how this 22 karat gold looks helps too!

Pictures???

 

[suchende]

Took this with my phone from my study spot, will show off the other pieces later... BF's dad brought this back for me from Bahrain right before the protests began... I like that it has an exciting story behind it! Maybe one I will embellish before I pass it down to a daughter...

 

[JulieN]

No, sorry. When I was with a desi guy, I saw his brother as my brother, his dad as my ffil (though I can't say the same for his mom.) The idea that he and I might break up was the last thing on anyone's mind. Accept it, and if you guys break up, tell his mom that you left the jewels with him. Agree that she considers you to be her daughter already, and you are very lucky (that she likes you, not for the jewelry.)

Lovely bracelet.

 

[Camille]

Ditto 10x....
That bracelet looks great on you, lucky girl!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Ditto here, too! The polite thing to do is to graciously accept gifts. That is what gives pleasure to the giver.

However, if you are uncomfortable because you are worried the relationship is going somewhere you aren't ready for, then that is another issue. By his taking you home, he obviously is letting them know he may be planning to marry you. So you need to be sure you are communicating with him if that is not the way you are seeing the relationship at this point.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I would accept them with the personal understanding that IF anything should happen to your relationship that you return them.