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Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marriage

Camus

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I've been pretty sad for the past few hours and am hanging out on PS to get my mind off of things. Today I hung out with a friend that I had not seen for a few months. She's been married for two years and from the moment I saw her I could tell something was wrong. She began to cry within 20 minutes of hanging out and told me that her husband has told her that he does not want to have children and she does.

She's 34 and she feels like she's running out of time, she really wants to have a baby. At first I felt like bad mouthing him in order to have a our "sistehood pow wow" but I decided that she probably just needed a shoulder to cry on. After soothing her she told me that they had not really talked about kids before getting married, and that she had assumed that it would just happen. We spoke a lot more, but I just didn't know how to respond to that. My hear breaks for her, but I also feel for him. Nobody should feel forced into having a child or not having a child because their partner does not want to.

But what perplexed me is the fact that they had not talked about it enough to be clear on where they stood. I have spoken to my partner about these issues long before we were even engaged, and he's shared his feelings too. On the other hand, my cousin does not want to give birth but wants to adopt children and she's talked about to her partner extensively too.

I just don't understand how you go into a marriage without having things be a bit more defined, or having these serious conversation. But after speaking to my friend, I could tell that the issue had "just not come up" those were her exact words. How is that possible? While these two didn't have a perfect marriage I could tell they really enjoyed each others company. They do a lot of things outside of their home, they don't fit into stereotypical gender rolls. She's not a stepford wife. I can tell they have chemistry and overall seem to have a happy marriage. Lots of communication, affectionate to each other, i've never seen them fight and she's never really complained about anything before.

I just don't get it. Have any of you experienced this yourself or with a family member/friend ??? do these things happen a lot? are there big things like things that you wish you had talked about before getting married?
 

Tacori E-ring

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

I think that is a conversation you need to have before getting married for sure! That is a major issue. I think having common goals is helpful in a marriage. Did they have a shotgun wedding/courtship?
 

Camus

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Tacori E-ring|1295489387|2827233 said:
I think that is a conversation you need to have before getting married for sure! That is a major issue. I think having common goals is helpful in a marriage. Did they have a shotgun wedding/courtship?

no, that's the thing. She is actually very reserved and conservative. They are both college educated and smart. She was in her early 30s when they got married, and he was in his mid 30s. they were together for about 8 months before they got engaged and got married about 7 months later.
 

diamondseeker2006

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

My daughter just got married, and her husband brought up things like future goals in life in the first three months they dated. He obviously wanted to make sure their goals were compatible and he definitely brought up children. I can't imagine anyone contemplating marriage without covering that topic at some point. In fact, they need to discuss it if they have a long term relationship! People do sometimes get pregnant unexpectedly!
 

Camus

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

diamondseeker2006|1295489947|2827240 said:
I can't imagine anyone contemplating marriage without covering that topic at some point.

I can't either. that's why it's so shocking. I don't understand it, but from our conversation it seemed like he told her didn't want to have children before they got married and she basically didn't say anything. So he assumed that it was agreed upon. Although she didn't say it, I get the feeling that she assumed she could just get him to change his mind and that he was only saying it because he had never been married or serious about anyone before. She figured he would change his mind after they got married.
 

Miss Sparkly

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Yup, I told my husband that if he wanted kids I'm not the gal to be dating because I don't want any. He was okay with that and even went and had himself snipped at 22 because he knew how strongly I felt about no kids and he didn't want them either. To me that's something to be upfront about near the first date if your a "never having kids person."
 

Italiahaircolor

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Yes, my husband and I discussed at length wanting children before we married each other. But, within the first few months of trying we discovered getting pregnant and carrying to term may not be a reality for me (could happen, but not easily)...and it changed every conversation we ever had and voided out that crystal clear future.

I don't think your friend is alone in this situation by a mile. Things change in relationships, whether we're talking wants or feasibility. Even if a couple, such as my husband and I, had the talks and the plans and the dreams...one test or one willful decision can bring it all down. That's life. The ONLY thing to do is then to decide what you can and what you cannot live with. If you friend cannot have a full life without a child, then she needs to leave her husband, it's not fair to him or the child to impose that responsibility on an unwilling participant and it's equally unfair for her to go without.

I am so sorry she's in this situation and you're a good friend for being there for her.
 

NewEnglandLady

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

I had a friend go through something very similar and it was heart-wrenching because the kids issue is SUCH a dealbreaker that I don't know how it doesn't come up.

Before we got married we talked about kids, how many, what kind of parenting style we thought we would have and if it would clash with the other's parenting style, whether or not we preferred to have one parent stay at home or not. If not, nanny or daycare. Public school or private. What if I can't get pregnant? You get the idea...it went pretty far beyond the basic "Are kids in our future?" question.

My friend said the same thing: that it was never really discussed. She'd brought up "future kids" passively at times and just assumed he was on board if he asked her to marry him. She was very smart, very mature, not at all flighty or the type to dismiss those kinds of things. Anyway, he finally told her he definitely didn't want them about a year after they were married when she felt she was ready to start TTC. They divorced soon after and she's now remarried with a 6 month old little girl and is really, really happy.

I have another friend who told her husband that she did want kids when they got married, but admits she only said it because she was hoping she would someday want them...but then she never did. After ten years of marriage and her realizing she really does not want them, they are divorcing this year.

But I also know it goes both ways. A good friend of mine absolutely does not want children and I asked her right before she got married "what if he decides he wants kids" and she said without hesitating that they'd have to divorce, which is perfectly valid.
 

texaskj

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

For them not to have had any talks about kids is just stunning; that's not just one of the things you "assume" is going to happen. I told my ex-husband on our FIRST date under no circumstances was I having children. He spent the next 15 years trying to talk me into it. They might try therapy, but really, I don't see this ending well if they are both adamant. Whether a child is born or not, there will be a whole lot of resentment on the other side. Plus, we're talking about another human being here, it should be wanted by both parents.
 

packrat

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

We talked about everything over and over time and again, and still talk about those things. I can't imagine *not* talking about those things. Even things that pop up in casual conversation, can turn into an opportunity for discussion. I dated a guy before JD that mentioned once, (during a conversation about money, which started b/c he took me to a casino and kept handing me money to play slots so he could play cards and I was like :shock: wondering if he did this often) that he was starting a savings account for his nephew and basically that his money would be his money, b/c he liked to gamble (answered that question) and wanted to save for his nephew, and my money would make up the difference needed for bills and I could "buy myself a dress now and again if I wanted"..nothing about paying off a mortgage or saving for ourselves.

Kids, money, religion, it all needs to be talked about and hashed out beforehand, most definitely. I hope they can get something worked out.
 

Camus

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Italiahaircolor|1295490678|2827251 said:
Yes, my husband and I discussed at length wanting children before we married each other. But, within the first few months of trying we discovered getting pregnant and carrying to term may not be a reality for me (could happen, but not easily)...and it changed every conversation we ever had and voided out that crystal clear future.

I'm so sorry :( My sister is dealing with that it's difficult. The thing that's hard during these times with both my sister and my friend, is the fact that I don't know how to make them feel better. most likely I can't do anything but listen to them and be there, but I wish there was some way I could give her advice on ways to let him know how she feels.

A part of me feels like saying "he's just being selfish!" but that's unfair and simply not true. A part of me feels like she got herself into this situation by being so passive or just hoping that she could change his mind. you know what I mean?
Italiahaircolor|1295490678|2827251 said:
If you friend cannot have a full life without a child, then she needs to leave her husband, it's not fair to him or the child to impose that responsibility on an unwilling participant and it's equally unfair for her to go without.

I asked her that, and she said she thinks that she can and she just wants to wait... but at the same time she said that she fears if she waits too long she wont be able to get pregnant.

The other thing she said she fears is that what if she gets divorced and ends up not being able to find someone else and in the end she'll be alone and childless. She said that at least now she has her husband and they have a good relationship. That comment made my heart break the most
 

Camus

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

NewEnglandLady|1295490712|2827252 said:
I had a friend go through something very similar and it was heart-wrenching because the kids issue is SUCH a dealbreaker that I don't know how it doesn't come up.

Before we got married we talked about kids, how many, what kind of parenting style we thought we would have and if it would clash with the other's parenting style, whether or not we preferred to have one parent stay at home or not. If not, nanny or daycare. Public school or private. What if I can't get pregnant? You get the idea...it went pretty far beyond the basic "Are kids in our future?" question.

My friend said the same thing: that it was never really discussed. She'd brought up "future kids" passively at times and just assumed he was on board if he asked her to marry him. She was very smart, very mature, not at all flighty or the type to dismiss those kinds of things. Anyway, he finally told her he definitely didn't want them about a year after they were married when she felt she was ready to start TTC. They divorced soon after and she's now remarried with a 6 month old little girl and is really, really happy.

I have another friend who told her husband that she did want kids when they got married, but admits she only said it because she was hoping she would someday want them...but then she never did. After ten years of marriage and her realizing she really does not want them, they are divorcing this year.

But I also know it goes both ways. A good friend of mine absolutely does not want children and I asked her right before she got married "what if he decides he wants kids" and she said without hesitating that they'd have to divorce, which is perfectly valid.

thanks for telling me these stories. I just don't know where to even begin being there for her. what am I supposed to say or do? I've always felt like he was the alpha in the relationship, although he's not pushy with her, she's very passive. She grew up in a family with 4 boys and she is just the good girl who takes care of everyone and is quiet.

my heart is really aching for her. I have never been around anyone who really does not want to have a child, I respect that choice, but I feel like if I say the wrong thing I will contribute to her pain or cause a bigger wedge between them. I want to be there for her but I have no idea how to even begin giving her any advice, because I don't want to be responsible for playing a role in the breakup of a marriage... but by the things she was saying today it seems like that's where this is headed. This is not like other fights that the other person can just live with or compromise on. This is a dealbreaker that cannot be ignored.
 

chemgirl

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

We definitely talked about it many times. He had been in a relationship where she wanted kids and he couldn't see it. He wasn't really anti-kid, he just couldn't see himself in that role. I made it clear that I was going to have kids (or at least try my hardest!), and that I had views on how I wanted to parent, so he needed to be on board for us to continue dating. He was willing to talk things over, and it took a while to get us both comfortable with the other's ideas. Talking things out seems to have been a good solution because now he's excited to TTC and he gets a goofy grin whenever we see a baby.

He really needed to have everything planned out, all of his questions answered, and then it was ok. If he continued to have issues with it we wouldn't have been married.

I really don't see how people can just ignore this stuff until after the wedding.
 

Italiahaircolor

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

The only one who can make that call is your friend. She has to understand that by giving into her fears and staying, she's also giving up her dreams. That's not an easy decision to make and not something that can be decided overnight or within a few days either. It's a sacrifice beyond measure--give up the man you for a chance to have a baby....or give up the dream of motherhood to be with the man you love. Total and complete lose/lose no matter how you slice it.

Her husband isn't being selfish, just as she's not being selfish. Having a child without deeply wanting one is a recipe for a disaster. You, as her friend, are walking a fine line because as much as you want to offer support and solace, you also understand that a child isn't something you simply "cave in" for.
 

Skippy123

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

I am so sorry your friend is going through this. I hope things work out for them.

Well I will be married 11 years this spring and with my husband 14 years. We both did not want kids at all. Then of course things changed but we talked a lot about how we felt about the matter and then were on the same page w/wanting kids. I really hope things work out for your friend.
 

LAJennifer

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Camus|1295489697|2827236 said:
Tacori E-ring|1295489387|2827233 said:
I think that is a conversation you need to have before getting married for sure! That is a major issue. I think having common goals is helpful in a marriage. Did they have a shotgun wedding/courtship?

no, that's the thing. She is actually very reserved and conservative. They are both college educated and smart. She was in her early 30s when they got married, and he was in his mid 30s. they were together for about 8 months before they got engaged and got married about 7 months later.

That sounds fairly shotgun to me. Definitely a topic to be discussed before the wedding. She has a decision to make - is this a deal breaker for her?
 

Camus

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Italiahaircolor|1295492704|2827294 said:
Her husband isn't being selfish, just as she's not being selfish. Having a child without deeply wanting one is a recipe for a disaster. You, as her friend, are walking a fine line because as much as you want to offer support and solace, you also understand that a child isn't something you simply "cave in" for.

This. you're 100% right.

She just called me again and was crying so hard. I've never seen her cry before this point... well maybe once years and years ago. But this is a very put together woman. She said they had a fight when they tried to talk about it, I don't think she should have because I know she was real emotional from our talk earlier in the day... anyway, they had a talk and he totally shut her down and told her that he had enough and didn't want to talk about it anymore.

She called me from her car, she said she couldn't be in the house anymore so she went outside and was sitting in their car crying her heart out. I'm glad she called and wish that I had not left earlier today. I am almost 2 hours away tonight :( I talked to her until she calmed down and she said she was going back in to sleep it off.

I am going to visit her in the morning... I honestly don't know what to do :( I feel like if I tell her to leave or even to come stay with me I'll be encouraging her to leave him or something. I need to sleep on this myself and be careful what I do.
 

Kaleigh

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

You are being a great friend. I can't imagine getting married without talking about wanting to have kids and the like. Husband and I talked about all serious things, made sure we were on the same page. We will be married 25 years come this September. Having kids was very important to us , and how we wanted to raise them etc...

It's sad when things like this happen, but she can't force it on him.

That's why having the talk before marriage is sooooo important.

Wish them all the best...
 

monarch64

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Yes, there was MUCH discussion between us regarding children, whether to bear them, whether we were or would be healthy enough to bear them when we wanted to, and even discussions about whether we SHOULD have them based on some of our genetic predispositions. (There are some diseases/cancers that run in our families). Very, very tough discussions which were taken very seriously.

Not everyone does this! Some people meet, date, get engaged, and have a very light sort of communication style! Nothing wrong with that! Later, people may discover that they've changed their minds for whatever reason, about whatever fundamental issue!

Nothing wrong with that!

The idea that divorce is SO WRONG in this country...imo, needs to change. The wedding industry paints this whole rosy picture of how our relationship should be (pre marriage), how our proposal should be, how our wedding should be, how our marriage should be, etc....doesn't anyone ever question that? Why not?

I'm not trying to bring up any sort of crazy talk now...I'm just saying that of course this is going to happen--this "wth, I thought you WANTED kids" talk! It really isn't the end of the world. Shit happens. People change their minds, or people stick to their guns, whatever. It's just life.

I'm not the voice of reason here, but I strongly suggest that you tread on the side of providing your friend a shoulder to cry on rather than the side of armchair therapist. You're doing well so far, and I'm sure she appreciates it.
 

slg47

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

I can't imagine getting engaged to someone without having those types of discussions, but that's just me.
 

suchende

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

I think a lot of women don't bring it up because they're afraid to "scare" guys, and because they hope he'll change his mind. Same thing happens with marriage often enough, and I think some women talk themselves out of things that actually do matter to them because they want to be perceived as easy-going.

I personally take the opposite tact. If bringing up kids on the second date scares him off... good riddance! :twisted:
 

Kaleigh

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

She's 34.. He said he didn't want to have kids before marriage.. But after they got married he would change his mind?? I don't think so. Why do women think they can change the guy after marriage?? Ya can't..

To me it's not a deal breaker as it's not a deal he agreed to... ;))

So if she wants kids, leave him and have them on her own?? IDK...

He sounds firm in what he wants, and that is to be respected... JMHO.
 

Camus

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Kaleigh|1295509290|2827447 said:
She's 34.. He said he didn't want to have kids before marriage.. But after they got married he would change his mind?? I don't think so. Why do women think they can change the guy after marriage?? Ya can't..

To me it's not a deal breaker as it's not a deal he agreed to... ;))

So if she wants kids, leave him and have them on her own?? IDK...

He sounds firm in what he wants, and that is to be respected... JMHO.

I actually agree, although I don't think I can tell her that yet. I like to think of myself as very blunt with people, but I have never seen her like this. I think the main reason why she opened up to me is because I'm one of her friends that's not living close to her (my old hometown) and so it's "safe" for her to talk to me without having to worry about other people finding out and people gossiping.

I think she's always been the more passive one in the relationship. she's not a stepford wife, but she is very passive towards him in a lot of ways. She also shared with me that the house they bough when they got married does not have her name on it, and the cars don't either. This part annoys me a lot. Because here's the thing, she comes from a different family type class background, he's a lot wealthier than she was when they got married. Her parents were migrant farm workers, his parents own engineering firms in southern CA. I know for a fact that she didn't marry for money, she truly LOVES him and is always trying to please him. I think she was just trying to hard to move away from a difficult past and being "normal" that she kind of just bends to his will and is happy just going along with the plan. But since they got married she went back to college, got her masers, and I think she now feels more empowered to speak up and voice her opinion. She's finding her voice and now realizes that she wants children.

I don't think she set out to "trick" him to have kids or try to change him. I think she was in love and felt like she didn't need to have children... but now she does. Things/people change.

Either way, a hearbreaker all around. I'm going to take the advice that was offered above and not play armchair therapist, instead I'll try to just be there for her by listening. I just feel like I am walking on eggshells and afraid of saying the wrong thing

on another note

This whole thing has made me want to hug my FI and tell him that I appreciate the fact that we have talked about these things. whenever he's feeling mush he cuddles up next to me and tells me that we're going to make beautiful babies one day... when he wants to be super sweet he tells me that he's sure our little girl is going to have him wrapped around her fingers just because she's going to have my eyes and smile. what a mush.
 

Gypsy

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

It is strange and unfortunate that they did not talk about children before they got married. We were engaged for nearly 10 years so we aren't the norm. I'm pretty sure we covered everything under the sun, and many hypotheticals too.

Unfortunately all you can do is be there for her.

ETA: Wait, they DID talk about it and he said he didn't want any and she thought she could change his mind. Yeah, not okay. Not bright. And honestly, selfish of her.

Of course biologically you can have kids without wanting them. But emotionally it's unfair all around. And honestly even if she did talk him into it, unless he has an extraordinary and LASTING change of heart (not likely, honestly), it would probably result in resentment and a lot of stuff that would lead to a breakup/divorce or just a bad marriage.

If I were him, I'd be feeling REALLY disrespected right now. And angry. And betrayed.

Yikes. Good luck to you... and to her. Get her to a therapist. Maybe she'll get some confidence to make the right decision for herself.
 

Camus

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Gypsy|1295513301|2827456 said:
ETA: Wait, they DID talk about it and he said he didn't want any and she thought she could change his mind. Yeah, not okay. Not bright. And honestly, selfish of her.

I didn't really grill her about that. From what she did say they vaguely talked about it and she was ok with it at the time and (from what I am trying to specifically draw between the crying and sobs) she either didn't fully believe him/didn't think he was 100% serious about it/assumed that he would change his mind. I think at the time she didn't really know what SHE wanted, and now since over the years she's been "finding her voice" she has come to realize that this IS something that's important to her... wheres before it was not that important. So now it's become a big deal

I would feel betrayed too if I was him, which is why I didn't go with my first instinct of talking bad about him. If he told her, he did the right thing and he has every right to feel betrayed.

I want to get her settled down right now and yes will in fact encourage her to talk to a therapist. He's also a good friend of mine and a good friend of my FI's ... so I don't want to pick sides or get between that drama.
 

Jennifer W

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

I'm sorry to hear that your friend and her husband are having to deal with such painful issues.
I must be honest and say that no, DH and I did not discuss whether or not we wanted to have a family before we married. I was 22 when I met him, 28 when I got married - having a baby wasn't even on my horizon, it wasn't something I could have discussed my opinion on, because I didn't have an opinion on it. I hadn't applied the notion to myself, other than to think vaguely that I'd rather not have children. It wasn't a factor in our decision to marry and it wouldn't have been a dealbreaker. First and foremost, we wanted to be a couple.

The first time we discussed having a child together was at a family wedding, two years after we got married. DH's neice was the MOH and her babysitter let her down at the last minute, so DH stepped in and took care of her newborn during the ceremony. We were hard pressed to get him to hand the baby over at midnight when the party ended. :-o We talked about it then, after I saw how much he wanted a baby and how happy he was taking care of a child. DH had never brought it up for discussion with me because he assumed that I wouldn't want to and I never brought it up because it never entered my head.

I don't know how to resolve a situation where one party to a marriage wants something so radically different to the other party. Discussions in advance might help some people, but for others, they won't make any difference - the urge to have a baby can strike at any time, at the unlikeliest people. Best laid plans fall by the wayside at that point, I suspect. Things change, vague desires come into sharp focus and become all-consuming wants, or fade altogether.

I hope they can work through it and reach a decision that works for them. Such a tough situation.
 

NewEnglandLady

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Camus, I'm thinking about you today. I think she's just looking for a shoulder to cry on right now as she tries to sort this out for herself.

It sounds, based on what she said last night, like she knew he probably didn't want to have kids. And she thought she would be okay with that, but isn't. He may not be the most supportive or understanding husband, but she's the one who changed her mind and she can't expect him to change his. Good luck today!
 

Italiahaircolor

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Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Camus|1295502472|2827398 said:
Italiahaircolor|1295492704|2827294 said:
Her husband isn't being selfish, just as she's not being selfish. Having a child without deeply wanting one is a recipe for a disaster. You, as her friend, are walking a fine line because as much as you want to offer support and solace, you also understand that a child isn't something you simply "cave in" for.

This. you're 100% right.

She just called me again and was crying so hard. I've never seen her cry before this point... well maybe once years and years ago. But this is a very put together woman. She said they had a fight when they tried to talk about it, I don't think she should have because I know she was real emotional from our talk earlier in the day... anyway, they had a talk and he totally shut her down and told her that he had enough and didn't want to talk about it anymore.

She called me from her car, she said she couldn't be in the house anymore so she went outside and was sitting in their car crying her heart out. I'm glad she called and wish that I had not left earlier today. I am almost 2 hours away tonight :( I talked to her until she calmed down and she said she was going back in to sleep it off.

I am going to visit her in the morning... I honestly don't know what to do :( I feel like if I tell her to leave or even to come stay with me I'll be encouraging her to leave him or something. I need to sleep on this myself and be careful what I do.

This is an emotional hotbed and I am so sorry. Being a friend and seeing both sides of a conflict is the hardest thing in the world...of course you want to be on her side, but you can't just turn logic off. Offering her a place to say is really sweet of you...you're a great friend...but they need to work this out, she needs to be there and face this problem. Distance isn't going to resolve anything. So, while I get that you want to be a "safe place" for her, she needs to be there and work through this to find what needs. Hard as it may be, she can't run away.

I agree 1000% with NewEnglandLady, what she needs the most is just someone to listen, for someone to understand where she is coming from (this is something, blessedly, you can do in person or over the phone). Her husband obviously isn't or can't or won't--he feels as strongly about not having children as she feels about having them, even if he's otherwise the most compassionate man in the world, he's in an awful spot--hurting his wife and making the best decision for himself, talk about boiling frustrations. I think the arguing, obviously, is just making it harder on both of them. But, you need to remember, this isn't your problem to solve, so don't take that responsibility on yourself...you'll do what you can from the position you're in, but don't beat yourself up either.

((hugs))
 

princesss

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 18, 2007
Messages
8,035
Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

Italiahaircolor|1295538499|2827657 said:
Camus|1295502472|2827398 said:
Italiahaircolor|1295492704|2827294 said:
Her husband isn't being selfish, just as she's not being selfish. Having a child without deeply wanting one is a recipe for a disaster. You, as her friend, are walking a fine line because as much as you want to offer support and solace, you also understand that a child isn't something you simply "cave in" for.

This. you're 100% right.

She just called me again and was crying so hard. I've never seen her cry before this point... well maybe once years and years ago. But this is a very put together woman. She said they had a fight when they tried to talk about it, I don't think she should have because I know she was real emotional from our talk earlier in the day... anyway, they had a talk and he totally shut her down and told her that he had enough and didn't want to talk about it anymore.

She called me from her car, she said she couldn't be in the house anymore so she went outside and was sitting in their car crying her heart out. I'm glad she called and wish that I had not left earlier today. I am almost 2 hours away tonight :( I talked to her until she calmed down and she said she was going back in to sleep it off.

I am going to visit her in the morning... I honestly don't know what to do :( I feel like if I tell her to leave or even to come stay with me I'll be encouraging her to leave him or something. I need to sleep on this myself and be careful what I do.

This is an emotional hotbed and I am so sorry. Being a friend and seeing both sides of a conflict is the hardest thing in the world...of course you want to be on her side, but you can't just turn logic off. Offering her a place to say is really sweet of you...you're a great friend...but they need to work this out, she needs to be there and face this problem. Distance isn't going to resolve anything. So, while I get that you want to be a "safe place" for her, she needs to be there and work through this to find what needs. Hard as it may be, she can't run away.

I agree 1000% with NewEnglandLady, what she needs the most is just someone to listen, for someone to understand where she is coming from (this is something, blessedly, you can do in person or over the phone). Her husband obviously isn't or can't or won't--he feels as strongly about not having children as she feels about having them, even if he's otherwise the most compassionate man in the world, he's in an awful spot--hurting his wife and making the best decision for himself, talk about boiling frustrations. I think the arguing, obviously, is just making it harder on both of them. But, you need to remember, this isn't your problem to solve, so don't take that responsibility on yourself...you'll do what you can from the position you're in, but don't beat yourself up either.

((hugs))

I agree 110%
 
Joined
Mar 23, 2008
Messages
5,384
Re: Did u talk about having kids/serious things before marri

You know, now that most of my friends are in their late twenties to early/ mid thirties, I can't imagine NOT having this conversation while dating. I think sometimes women won't talk about these big issues "because it could scare him off". So. What. I'd rather not marry someone that wasn't on the same page as me.

Several of my friends have refused to have "the kid" conversation with guys they were dating because of their fears.

If it were me, we'd probably have to divorce since not wanting having kids is a deal breaker. Easy to say though.
 
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