My New DIL Thinks I'm a MONSTER

[Gypsy]

Ilander, I think the word "victim" is part of the problem here.

You are all thinking you are victims. You think you are a victim of DIL's unfair assumptions. DIL thinks she's the victim of an ambush. Son is thinking is a victim of it all.

My advice. Throw that word out. Victim mentalities do not bring people together. You aren't victims, none of you. You are just people that have some issues that will take time to work through.

As for your son's text. Tell him that you think taking a break at this point is a good idea. And why don't they enjoy themselves and get in touch after the holidays. Emotional blackmail needs to follow 'victim' right out that window.

 

[fieryred33143]

Yeah, there's a whole lot of drama going on in that family. Perhaps the new DIL just isn't used to being around that kind of environment?

I do believe, as others have said, that this one incident at the wedding is not where she is basing her opinion. It has to be something else. Either (as Haven mentioned) you are doing something without realizing, she is taking things the wrong way (miscommunication), or your son is feeding his opinion of everyone to her.

I can't imagine how hard it is to be a mom with a son. As soon as he gets married, someone essentially replaces you. If your son is wise, he will learn to balance both. Until then, he's an adult who is going to live his life. If you don't want to apologize anymore, then they can have their thanksgiving separate.

Something I find interesting that I also experienced:

When I first met my FMIL, she spoke very highly of her relationship (still does). She always said that they put their marriage above all else. They are very united, them against the world. He (FFIL) defends her no matter what, and she does the same for him. They can spend hours/days/years alone and never feel lonely as long as they had each other (they've been married 36 years I think).

The first time FI defended me against her she was very hurt/surprised/offended. I thought that was the silliest thing. He was being the man SHE raised. He grew up in a home where his father, her husband, did all he could to defend his wife whenever there was any sort of drama. And now that her son is married (well, almost) she was surprised that he would do the same for his future wife I mention this because if you are uspet with the way your son is reacting to all of this, perhaps you shouldn't be? Your husband defended you by wanting to clear the air because his wife, the woman he loves, was really hurt by another person's actions. Well, your son is doing the same. Seems like you raised a good man

 

[Nomsdeplume]

I read through all your posts, and I appreciate the advice and sympathy and the all the perspective of DILs and MILs. It's all been very helpful. I wasn't going to post again, since this is more than enough drama. But then something happened that really floored me:

My DH got a text from my DS

"we are not coming to thanksgiving unless you apologize"

I would like to note that my DH's last words to them were pleading "Let's not do this to (DS), he's the real victim here."

I give up, I'm not superhuman.

Let's just leave it there.

iLander, am I reading this correctly that your DH said to both your DS and your DIL that your DS is the "victim?"

Your DS' text is perplexing to me. There is something more going on than a potentially nasty DIL. And I can't put my finger on it...

Either way, I hope this doesn't ruin your thanksgiving....

I agree. I read through this entire thread and it just does not make sense to me. It feels like I'm just not getting the whole story here...
Hypothetical situation: You didn't like this girl from the start, and you said something along those lines to your son (maybe you don't even remember this seemingly minor incident, but of course she does). Your son tells her exactly what you said (he doesn't seem to realise that certain information should be kept between him and his wife or him and you). So now she knows that you don't like her, and yet you are constantly inviting her to go shopping, have heart to hearts etc. Does she perceive this as fake? Of course. Does she trust you? Hell no. So of course she never feels accepted and she knows that you probably don't want her marrying your son. So when you get sick at the wedding, she thinks it was because you disapproved of the marriage.
Reading between the lines, I would guess that your son is a bit of a mamas boy. You worry about him driving to work? He's a grown ass man who can make his own decisions, including where he wants to live.
They are newlyweds. They work all week. They want to spend their alone time together. They DO NOT want to feel like they have to spend their weekends with their parents. Maybe it's just all a bit too much and everyone needs to back off.
I know I would have been extremely upset if my new in-laws staged an "intervention" and called me self-centred, and my husband did not support me. Especially if the abovementioned hypothetical situation is correct.
Just a different perspective...

 

[zhuzhu]

Nobody can be a victim unless they WANT to be.

Oh please everyone. What victim? Just because someone's feeling is hurt it does not make that person a victim. That person can walk away or can fight back, but a victim is word used to avoid responsibilities in this family drama!

I agree with TGal that there must be a lot more going on at dinner and prior that made iLander's son and DIL feel so "attacked". Instead of her son being the "real victim", it appears that now both of them are upset and blame ILander for it.

Cool it off everyone! Text DS back and said "I am sorry for having contributed to you 2 feeling so uncomfortable last time (no specifics here just a general "I am sorry you felt attacked"). Then move on and be done with it!

 

[Prana]

I would follow up your sons passive aggressive text with a good old fashioned apology. The whole nine-yards, balloons, flowers, singing telegrams, and a plane writing "Sorry, xoxo" in the sky. Your son is being just as much of a ninny in this whole thing.

Here's what I see...

You cried. That is scary to some people. You've tried, through a display of many emotions, to get through to her, it didn't work. I would apologize, as blandly and open-ended as possible. "I'm sorry that I got sick at your wedding, and I'm sorry that we attempted to discuss it when we had you over the other night. When you are ready, we are willing to discuss it over your own terms, and I hope that you do give us that opportunity."

Your DIL obviously has some major issues going on here. You don't know what they are, but they're there. You may never know. She could just be really really crazy, or she could have some seriously nasty past ghouls that are hanging around and making her act the way she is acting.

This does not involve your DH or DD the way you think it might. She has a personal vendetta against YOU because YOU got sick. As much as your DH and DD think that they are helping the situation by getting involved, they aren't.

Your son needs to step up here and help this situation. He is a grown man and should be able to help you understand, and help his wife understand. It's not going to get better without his help. I can't believe he texted you saying that you needed to apologize. GROW UP! I would never treat my parents so disrespectfully. Maybe you can gently remind him that he is your son, and texting about such emotionally charged situations is not acceptable, and is definitely not going to help anything.

After you offer your bland apology, I would back off. The ball will be in their court.

Sorry you're going through this.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Something is not adding up here. Not sure we have the full story. I agree with the previous replies. No one is a victim in the situation. Right now you are involved in classic triangulation between your son, DIL, and yourself. According to your side of the story, you are doing nothing but pushing your son and DIL closer together. They don't want to spend Thanksgiving with you. Sounds like a healthy plan! I would text back that they hope they have a great holiday and leave it at that. Fight back the urge to engage in a fight, point fingers, or play the victim. Hopefully your son will come back around but right now you need to let them have the space they asked for. Focus all of your energy on yourself, your DH, and your DD.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I read through all your posts, and I appreciate the advice and sympathy and the all the perspective of DILs and MILs. It's all been very helpful. I wasn't going to post again, since this is more than enough drama. But then something happened that really floored me:

My DH got a text from my DS

"we are not coming to thanksgiving unless you apologize"

I would like to note that my DH's last words to them were pleading "Let's not do this to (DS), he's the real victim here."

I give up, I'm not superhuman.

Let's just leave it there.

I was thinking last night that if I were in your shoes I would apologize to her. Apologize for putting so much pressure on her. And I would probably write it in a note and let her know that I was writing it in a note so that she could take the time and space to mull it.

Logical or not she was disappointed with what happened at her wedding. No matter how sick you were, you can understand that - right? It wasn't about you on that day it was HER day and she was disappointed. Petulant perhaps but you're the grown up here and should be able to at least give her that. "I'm sorry and embarrassed I got so sick at your wedding, I hope you can forgive me." Then 10 years from now you can admit that you were hurt that she didn't seem to care at all about how you felt.

Then to be nervous and upset about spending time with you guys and having all of this drama and accusations and crying, I imagine you guys (unintentionally) made her feel VERY inadequate. And the fact of the matter is that you have concluded that she IS inadequate so she's not far off. I wouldn't want to spend the holiday with you either.

In your desperation to bring her close you are expecting her to be someone she isn't. This isn't about opening your arms widly and wondering why the other person hasn't flung herself into them.... this is about standing still and letting the nervous kitty come to you as she feels comfortable.

She could be a psycho... but I think it's better to assume she isn't for a few years.

 

[Imdanny]

Her story will always be how badly she's been treated in life by the thoughtless selfish people surrounding her -- a lot of that will be made up, the rest way exaggerated.

I read this comment and it really made sense to me. Why else would someone accuse a family member of faking and lying about being sick? It's simply not the right reaction to have and this is where this story began.

 

[JewelFreak]

Thank you, Danny. You don't recognize this sort of person unless you've run into one. I'm surprised how many people who responded have.

--- Laurie

 

[Autumnovember]

Thank you, Danny. You don't recognize this sort of person unless you've run into one. I'm surprised how many people who responded have.

--- Laurie

+1.

 

[Prana]

Her story will always be how badly she's been treated in life by the thoughtless selfish people surrounding her -- a lot of that will be made up, the rest way exaggerated.

I read this comment and it really made sense to me. Why else would someone accuse a family member of faking and lying about being sick? It's simply not the right reaction to have and this is where this story began.

This was well put, and so very true. I think that's what we would refer to a narcissistic person at their best, everyone is out to get her, and she is unable to feel empathy for anyone else.

 

[iLander]

Thank you Danny, JewelFreak and Autumnnovember,

I think a lot of the posters think that the DIL is just like they are: shy, or retiring, or have difficulty with confrontation, or whatever. I am starting to think this is not the case, she is not like that. She's usually kind of loud and talky. I think a lot of posters have trouble with their own MIL's and think I am just like their MIL's. I am not.

Today, I counted up with my DH and we had all made 6 different apologies throughout that evening, including an "I'm sorry if we're making you uncomfortable". She did not acknowledge a single one in any way. No more apologies.

Strange reactions? Yup: I find the things she whispers to my DS the strangest (I can hear like a bat).

The first time we met her, we were at another restaurant and she put a stuffed shell on his plate and said "(DS) are you going to eat that?" He said no thanks, I'm full. She keeps cajoling him and he says "No!'. She starts whispering "Why not? You're not going to disappoint me, are you? Eat it". He looked ticked off and shook his head. She kept whispering "Don't disappoint me. Are you going to disappoint me?" He finally ate a bite. She kept repeating the "disappoint me" thing until he finished it.

Another time, we all met at a restaurant and my DD and I were wearing high heels. She whispers to him "They're wearing heels to make me feel bad". What?

There are a lot of strange stories like that. We've talked amongst ourselves, but not to the DS. We kept saying we were glad he found someone and that we were looking forward to the wedding.

Our response to the text was that we are very proud of his success at work, and we'd like the relationship to improve, but we think everyone needs some time to calm down, and we'll talk later in the year.

BTW- I totally don't recommend E-harmony.

 

[Autumnovember]

Thank you Danny, JewelFreak and Autumnnovember,

I think a lot of the posters think that the DIL is just like they are: shy, or retiring, or have difficulty with confrontation, or whatever. I am starting to think this is not the case, she is not like that. She's usually kind of loud and talky. I think a lot of posters have trouble with their own MIL's and think I am just like their MIL's. I am not.

Today, I counted up with my DH and we had all made 6 different apologies throughout that evening, including an "I'm sorry if we're making you uncomfortable". She did not acknowledge a single one in any way. No more apologies.

Strange reactions? Yup: I find the things she whispers to my DS the strangest (I can hear like a bat).

The first time we met her, we were at another restaurant and she put a stuffed shell on his plate and said "(DS) are you going to eat that?" He said no thanks, I'm full. She keeps cajoling him and he says "No!'. She starts whispering "Why not? You're not going to disappoint me, are you? Eat it". He looked ticked off and shook his head. She kept whispering "Don't disappoint me. Are you going to disappoint me?" He finally ate a bite. She kept repeating the "disappoint me" thing until he finished it.

Another time, we all met at a restaurant and my DD and I were wearing high heels. She whispers to him "They're wearing heels to make me feel bad". What?

There are a lot of strange stories like that. We've talked amongst ourselves, but not to the DS. We kept saying we were glad he found someone and that we were looking forward to the wedding.

Our response to the text was that we are very proud of his success at work, and we'd like the relationship to improve, but we think everyone needs some time to calm down, and we'll talk later in the year.

BTW- I totally don't recommend E-harmony.

In my previous post I wrote about how this type of girl PREYS on the type of men like your son. He is easily influenced. She likes it. She feels in control.

Is this not clear as day to everyone!?

This girl has serious control issues and when she doesn't feel in control she feels "attacked" and runs away from the situation.

I've been friends with NUMEROUS girls just like this.

This is a game that she likes to play. She pushes the boundaries and crosses lines to see how far she can go and how far she can push your son into her sick little web.

Also, I think it is best if you and your husband take a break from the two of them for the time being. You've said sorry. You have done your part and I really do not see how you have done anything wrong. Let it go. I know it might hurt you to have to 'take' a break from them but I feel like this girl will keep finding ways to make everyone miserable if you don't. Text DS back and say that you understand and wish them happy holidays.

Edited for spelling..

 

[CNOS128]

Hi iLander,
I've experienced my own difficulties with in-laws, but I won't suggest that my relatives are like yours. I will, however, pass on the advice that worked best for me. You need to be confident in the fact that you've done what you can do and have behaved in a way that you find appropriate. Stop apologizing already; you've already done it and it hasn't had the desired effect.

Crazy (I use this term colloquially, I'm not saying your DIL has a diagnosis) people do crazy things, and they will always act in a way that seems crazy. It's good for all of us to learn to accept this, because then we stop getting upset about it every time it happens. Change your expectations about DIL. She is going to say things that seem weird to you and she is going to act in a way that you find unfriendly/hostile/odd/whatever. But dwelling on all your interactions and her behavior and going back and rehashing every conversation is just making you miserable.

You should do what you can to try to keep up your relationship with your son, but it may not be possible right now. As others have said, though, if this woman is really crazy, your son will realize it eventually. And then you'll be there to tell him "I told you so" and hug him and find him a suitable mate. I suggest that you keep inviting them to holidays, meals, etc. even if they don't come. Don't be overbearing or confrontational or threatening, but let them know you want them around (you're doing this for your son's sake, not for DIL's). No more apologizing, crying, or questioning. If I were you, when and if I saw DIL and DS again, I'd just pretend everything was A-OK and go about my day in a normal way. Getting upset only hurts you, and it doesn't help much of anything.

 

[fieryred33143]

Why would that be as clear as day to anyone Autumn? This post further explaining her behavior comes after 5 pages and numerous posts requesting a more in depth background. Had that been described from page 1, it would have cleared things up more.

ILander-you don't like her and she doesn't like you. End of story on that front. If you want your relationship to continue with your DS, keep your opinion about how she treats him and their marriage out of conversations (unless you think he's being abused in some way). Accept that dinners/nails/whatever else isn't going to happen with this DIL.

 

[Autumnovember]

Why would that be as clear as day to anyone Autumn? This post further explaining her behavior comes after 5 pages and numerous posts requesting a more in depth background. Had that been described from page 1, it would have cleared things up more.

ILander-you don't like her and she doesn't like you. End of story on that front. If you want your relationship to continue with your DS, keep your opinion about how she treats him and their marriage out of conversations (unless you think he's being abused in some way). Accept that dinners/nails/whatever else isn't going to happen with this DIL.

Because in my opinion, her behavior from the VERY beginning has been UNUSUAL and unacceptable and we can agree to disagree on that if you want.

 

[somethingshiny]

Just to clarify. I haven't chosen any sides however I was posting to bring your DIL's possible view into play. You said that you think some of us are basically projecting onto you from our own experiences. That may be the case for some but I have a splendid relationship with my MIL. In fact, I see her more and talk to her more and depend on her more than my own mother. What I wrote, I wrote from the heart and what I think may be going on. You posted this thread for insight. I don't know why you're bashing down anything that isn't saying "she's so awful." Be mad if you want, but place your anger appropriately. You're angry with the situation. To me, saying "I give up" is simply abhorrent. In my family, my BIL/SIL etc are then my bro or sis, mom, cousin whatever. I wouldn't write off or give up on my sister and I certainly wouldn't do it to my SIL either. And the thought of doing it to my DIL is stomach turning. The in-law status does not mean less worthy. Your son chose her as his equal. You should treat her as equal with your other children, IMO.

I think you should back off. Give them the upcoming Holiday to themselves. Maybe she'll be willing to work through this closer to Christmas. If You've been anywhere near LIW or BWW you'll see how obsessed and distressed some brides can get. It may be that simple.

 

[Burberrygirl]

Thank you Danny, JewelFreak and Autumnnovember,
Today, I counted up with my DH and we had all made 6 different apologies throughout that evening, including an "I'm sorry if we're making you uncomfortable". She did not acknowledge a single one in any way. No more apologies.

Our response to the text was that we are very proud of his success at work, and we'd like the relationship to improve, but we think everyone needs some time to calm down, and we'll talk later in the year.

Good for you, iLander! I have never understood people who demand apologies... especially if they have refused to accept them in the past?! I cannot believe you've apologized six times! I think your text response was appropriate.

What an odd story... I think I would have burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of someone pressuring another adult to not disappoint them by eating the food they put on that persons plate. It kinda sounds like something a parent might say to their child.

Sending you more *hugs*

 

[iLander]

Just to clarify. I haven't chosen any sides however I was posting to bring your DIL's possible view into play. You said that you think some of us are basically projecting onto you from our own experiences. That may be the case for some but I have a splendid relationship with my MIL. In fact, I see her more and talk to her more and depend on her more than my own mother. What I wrote, I wrote from the heart and what I think may be going on. You posted this thread for insight. I don't know why you're bashing down anything that isn't saying "she's so awful." Be mad if you want, but place your anger appropriately. You're angry with the situation. To me, saying "I give up" is simply abhorrent. In my family, my BIL/SIL etc are then my bro or sis, mom, cousin whatever. I wouldn't write off or give up on my sister and I certainly wouldn't do it to my SIL either. And the thought of doing it to my DIL is stomach turning. The in-law status does not mean less worthy. Your son chose her as his equal. You should treat her as equal with your other children, IMO.

I think you should back off. Give them the upcoming Holiday to themselves. Maybe she'll be willing to work through this closer to Christmas. If You've been anywhere near LIW or BWW you'll see how obsessed and distressed some brides can get. It may be that simple.

If you read to the bottom of my last post it said

"Our response to the text was that we are very proud of his success at work, and we'd like the relationship to improve, but we think everyone needs some time to calm down, and we'll talk later in the year."

 

[blueiris]

Thank you Danny, JewelFreak and Autumnnovember,

I think a lot of the posters think that the DIL is just like they are: shy, or retiring, or have difficulty with confrontation, or whatever. I am starting to think this is not the case, she is not like that. She's usually kind of loud and talky. I think a lot of posters have trouble with their own MIL's and think I am just like their MIL's. I am not.

Today, I counted up with my DH and we had all made 6 different apologies throughout that evening, including an "I'm sorry if we're making you uncomfortable". She did not acknowledge a single one in any way. No more apologies.

Strange reactions? Yup: I find the things she whispers to my DS the strangest (I can hear like a bat).

The first time we met her, we were at another restaurant and she put a stuffed shell on his plate and said "(DS) are you going to eat that?" He said no thanks, I'm full. She keeps cajoling him and he says "No!'. She starts whispering "Why not? You're not going to disappoint me, are you? Eat it". He looked ticked off and shook his head. She kept whispering "Don't disappoint me. Are you going to disappoint me?" He finally ate a bite. She kept repeating the "disappoint me" thing until he finished it.

Another time, we all met at a restaurant and my DD and I were wearing high heels. She whispers to him "They're wearing heels to make me feel bad". What?

There are a lot of strange stories like that. We've talked amongst ourselves, but not to the DS. We kept saying we were glad he found someone and that we were looking forward to the wedding.

Our response to the text was that we are very proud of his success at work, and we'd like the relationship to improve, but we think everyone needs some time to calm down, and we'll talk later in the year.

BTW- I totally don't recommend E-harmony.

The part I highlighted in red: Creeeeeepy. I said it way back in the thread: Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I wish we could talk; we've had to deal with someone like this and it did not end well (there is no doubt in my mind that he has NPD). We just couldn't take dealing with him any more, in spite of what was at stake. I hope things work out better for you and your family, and I don't blame you in the least for feeling like you shouldn't have to apologize AGAIN (and I don't think you have anything to apologize for).

 

[somethingshiny]

iLander~ I did read to the bottom of the post. It sounds very passive aggressive to me. It's as if you're not trying to understand her at all. And, I never saw you recant your "I give up" statement and that's what I thought was pretty bad. You don't need to take my opinion but there you have it.

 

[Autumnovember]

iLander~ I did read to the bottom of the post. It sounds very passive aggressive to me. It's as if you're not trying to understand her at all. And, I never saw you recant your "I give up" statement and that's what I thought was pretty bad. You don't need to take my opinion but there you have it.

But her DIL isn't really trying to 'understand' ILander either, right?

 

[somethingshiny]

No, DIL is definitely not trying to understand iLander. My thought is, iLander is the one who really wants the relationship, she's older and wiser, and basically her son is at stake, so the ball's in her court.

 

[Autumnovember]

No, DIL is definitely not trying to understand iLander. My thought is, iLander is the one who really wants the relationship, she's older and wiser, and basically her son is at stake, so the ball's in her court.

understood!

 

[iLander]

iLander~ I did read to the bottom of the post. It sounds very passive aggressive to me. It's as if you're not trying to understand her at all. And, I never saw you recant your "I give up" statement and that's what I thought was pretty bad. You don't need to take my opinion but there you have it.

i think that by saying " we want the relationship to improve" it SHOWS that I am not giving up.

 

[zhuzhu]

iLander,

What do you and your family REALLY want from your DIL? Do you really want to be close to her like you initially indicated?
I ask because towards the end of the thread (thus far), your true feelings about her came out and it does not relate all to how she treated you, but sounds like the negativity you feel about her has been there for a LONG time.

I applause you for sending your son a composed message. I think it is a great idea that you all cool off for a while. However if your ultimate goal is to have a productive relationship with her and your son, it is not healthy to wish them breaking up or wishing him to "see her for her true color". Failed marriage does nobody good and they have just gotten married. Respecting your son includes respecting the choices he made with his life, and his choice of life partner is for sure one that you need to learn to respect even if you disapprove.

You ear dropped on their dinner conversation was odd (why did you do it?). Even though I agree with you that her commands sound weird, what if that was their special way of flirting? How can you possibly know for sure that he dislikes it? What if he LIKES to be treated like a kid by his woman?

I am hoping that during the time you all cool off, you will come to learn to accept her. You can not control if she likes you or if she will ever become the DIL you dream of, but you can learn to lower your expectation (without giving up) and learn to accept their choice of life style. That will be the biggest blessing you can give to your children.

All my best for you and yours.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

ILander, sorry for coming late to this thread, but I wanted to give you a big hug. Obviously I don't know every detail in this situation, but it sounds to me that your DIL has some serious issues of her own. I think it's great that you tried so much, that you want to make the situation better and improve the relationship, but you can't force it if the other person is so adamant about not wanting to connect or talk or reciprocate. I'm not saying to give up - maybe she'll get over it in time, or things will improve so they're at least tolerable, and it does seem too early to throw in the towel - but if it doesn't improve, then at least you have a wonderful husband and daughter who stood up for you and by you. Anyway, I'm not good with advice on these things so all I can offer you is my support and hugs. Sorry you're going through this horrible situation. FWIW I'll take you for a MIL

 

[asscherisme]

Wow, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I figured it out. The thing that was bugging me. The one word that could explain your DIL's behavior: autism. I have read your comments and others comments and it struck me that it could explain ALL the oddities and strange comments and social awkwardness. The thing about whispering so you could hear he should eat the thing on his plate, so inappropriate in front of you.

She might be high functioning autism or aspergers syndrome. Would certainly explain everything. Does not make it any easier to deal with, but it could explain it. But also, could just be a really awful and manipulative personality. Or both.

I believe your account of what happened and her reaction to it is just so off socially. But then again it could be a lot of things. Autism is definately a possibility though.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Wow, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I figured it out. The thing that was bugging me. The one word that could explain your DIL's behavior: autism. I have read your comments and others comments and it struck me that it could explain ALL the oddities and strange comments and social awkwardness. The thing about whispering so you could hear he should eat the thing on his plate, so inappropriate in front of you.

She might be high functioning autism or aspergers syndrome. Would certainly explain everything. Does not make it any easier to deal with, but it could explain it. But also, could just be a really awful and manipulative personality. Or both.

I believe your account of what happened and her reaction to it is just so off socially. But then again it could be a lot of things. Autism is definately a possibility though.

I had this same thought, actually, when I read iLander's account. I was wondering if she had Asberger's - it seems to explain a lot of her behavior. But of course, I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist by any means!

 

[lliang_chi]

Whoa! Sounds like you guys need to step back and give each other some space. For all your sakes. Dwelling on negativity isn't going to help anyone. Even if they wanted to come to Thanksgiving, I don't think it'd be such a good idea. You guys remove the emotional charge of this situation. Back off and suggest to your DS and DIL that everyone needs to back off. You DIL won't be able to complain if you're not there.

It's a crappy situation and no one can undo it. Right now you need some time to pass and try to give each other a second chance. And a second chance will work when everyone can think of the other person and no have the "eye roll" or whatever.

Best of luck iLander. I know it probably kills you that you're not around your son, but forcing them to come together will only make your relationship worse. You want them to WANT to come over.