Haven and other etiquette experts...

[steph72276]

Hi guys! I was hoping you could help me with an etiquette question. We are having a big birthday party for my 6 year old this year. The past few years have been small celebrations, but this year he started kindergarten and we're inviting his entire class as a way to get everyone together and meet all the parents of the children he will be going to school with for the next 12 years. So with those kids plus his group of close friends, there will be 30ish kids invited. Between the kids, us, his grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. there will be soooo many gifts and he simply doesn't need that much stuff. What I would really love to do is have everyone bring a book to donate to children or donate most of the gifts to Toys for Tots. However, I know any mention of gifts on invitations is in poor taste. So should I just donate the toys after the party with no mention of it? That is what I'm thinking, but I want Andrew to be hands on with it and help me take the toys to donate, and then he might tell his friends "hey, I gave your toys you gave me away" and then it might upset the parents...what would you guys do? Thanks!

 

[AGBF]

Although I have not seen this on invitations for children's parties, I have frequently seen it on invitations for adults' parties. It is the simple sentence, "Your presence, not your presents is requested." That appears to be socially acceptable. You could put this on the invitations going to classmates and other non-family members.

Will people honor it in the case of a kindergarten child? Probably not. They often ignore it even when a person is having a ninetieth birthday or a couple is having a Golden Wedding anniversary and really doesn't need to acquire anything more. At least you will have said what you want to say, however.

It seems kinder for your son not to receive the gifts at all rather than to have to give up gifts he received already, too. He is pretty young to comprehend having gifts, "taken away". And, frankly, would any of us like that?

Deb/AGBF

 

[packrat]

What about donating some of his other toys to make room for the new? We're wrestling w/this ourselves this year as London wants to invite some friends to her birthday and I don't want to be drowning in toys.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

What about donating some of his other toys to make room for the new? We're wrestling w/this ourselves this year as London wants to invite some friends to her birthday and I don't want to be drowning in toys.

I think this is a perfect idea! My Mom used to have me do this before my birthday and x-mas when I was a child and I didn't mind it at all because I still got to keep my presents, lol.

 

[swingirl]

I am no etiquette expert but I'd be offended if I spent a good amount of time picking out a gift for someone (researching their interests and likes) and then finding out the gift was donated as planned all along. If you want people to bring a gift to donate please let them know up front so they can pick up something generic and NOT something special.

And if you really just don't want gifts, say so on the invitation. When I make donates I prefer to chose my our organization. Most organizations don't want things wrapped so they can see what's what.

And I think it is really hard for a 6 year old to celebrate his birthday party with a ton of toys coming his way only to have them get donated. It's a nice idea but I don't think a child's birthday party is the right place for a fund raiser/toy drive. Whether it's for charity or not it's going to tough for a 6 year old.

 

[charbie]

I don't know the "rules" on this, but here are my thoughts: To be quite honest, in this type of setting, I think it is perfectly acceptable to mention that you will be donating toys to a local charity. There is a big difference in mentioning gifts on a wedding invitation vs. birthday party. A friend was having a baby shower but didn't really want gifts to be brought (she comes from a wealthy family) so her hostess had an insert with the invite that said, "we are gathering donations to be brought to ----- shelter for women and children. In lieu of gifts, please bring new or gently used childrens items." I wasn't offended in the least.

I agreed that being upfront and honest about it is the way to go. I think it would have been hard as a kid to open all these gifts and then hand all my new stuff away. This way the "gifts" don't come wrapped and you won't feel like gift opening has to be an activity of the party.

 

[Ninna]

Far from an expert but they are very popular at my child's school. I have seen:
'Your presence is the only present required'
'In lieu of gifts please make a small donation to XXX organization'
'No gifts, Thank you' instead of please.
' We are so blessed to have all we need, in lieu of gifts please make a small donation to our school's library'

I understand donating to charities may be an exception to most rules because it's a humble request but they often sound 'braggy' when the invitations are facy looking.
I don't mention anything on the invites for many reasons but I like to speak with with people as they RSVP and kindly ask them to bring a can of food for our school's food drive. Very few will still bring a small token and that's totally fine with me.
My all time favorite is 'Toy for Tots' stickers on RSVP's and a big thank you.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I think you should ask people to not bring a gift when they RSVP. I don't think you should mention anything about charities on the invitation.

Also, think about the precedent you are setting. Most of these kids will be inviting your child to a birthday party in the next year as well. Do you really want to buy 25 gifts or make 25 donations? I'd much rather try to set the precedent that "our group doesn't do gifts" and make a private donation without people knowing each other's business.

 

[meresal]

I don't know... I don't really think a child's birthday party is the place for an activity like this.

I like the idea of having A gather some of the toys he already has, and donate them before the party. That way he learns about giving of your own posessions, and you get to "clean house" a bit.

ETA: What about letting the kids from school bring what they want, and politely asking your family members to bring a book or something not so, toy-ish?

 

[kelpie]

My husband's little cousin just turned 8 and was longing for a dog or cat so badly for her birthday she didn't want any presents, just to collect items the animal shelter needed. Her parents said the other parents got really into it and certainly bought higher ticket items than they would had it been a kid's toy because it was for a good cause and they were impressed by the child's generosity. Little girl later got to adopt a dog. When it's for a good cause, I don't think it could possibly be construed as offensive.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi,
Since it's his kindergarten party and there will be many (I assume) parents you've never met, I would just do the standard party with gifts. Once you start putting in the no gifts requests, parents become a bit confused as to if they really shouldn't bring gifts (ETA - and I know this because EVERY friend I've talked to about this always isn't confortable with such requests). After a few years, like 2nd/3rd grade, and your child has established a friend group, then you can change things up.

When my younger son was in kindergarten, he was invited to a no-gift party where the parents asked that food bank donations were brought. Well, we did that along with many others. . .but still gifts were also brought by some, which makes things totally awkward because there wasn't the gift opening event, so the gifts just sat there. . .

Last year, my older son was invited to a no-gift party also. Keep in mind, between my two kids, they've been to 25+ parties and only two have been no-gift.

Just my thoughts: many parents don't like those. They like the traditional way that leaves no weird need for interpretation.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I think you should ask people to not bring a gift when they RSVP. I don't think you should mention anything about charities on the invitation.

Also, think about the precedent you are setting. Most of these kids will be inviting your child to a birthday party in the next year as well. Do you really want to buy 25 gifts or make 25 donations? I'd much rather try to set the precedent that "our group doesn't do gifts" and make a private donation without people knowing each other's business.

Yes, agreed they do sound braggy. "We have so many toys already that we don't need anymore," type of mentality. Sorry, but it's true. Even though I KNOW most of the kids have too many toys (including mine), it's weird to state in on an invitation!!! Oh, and the party my older son was invited to was where the mom TALKED to me on the phone rather than writing the note about no gifts, and made it clear it was CULTURAL for her, not material in reason as to the no-gifts request.

 

[steph72276]

Okay, well you guys have given me some things to think about, thanks for the feedback. As proven by this thread, the idea of giving some of the gifts away or even mentioning no gifts may offend someone, and since I don't know any of the parents in his class I don't want to come across in a bad way. I suppose I will just go with the standard gifts, but the thought of 30-40 new toys in the house, especially a month before Christmas doesn't sound great. I like the idea of packing and donating old toys, but we did that not too long ago and I only buy books throughout the year instead of toys, so pretty much everything he has, he plays with. Maybe I will just wait 6 months to donate so no one gets offended...

 

[zoebartlett]

I like where you're going with this, Steph -- it's a nice gesture, but I wonder if parents would be upset that they've spent $ on A's gift, only to find out that it will be donated. If I was in your situation, I'd probably work with A. to go through his toys and choose up to a certain number (10?) to donate. Have him be involved in this process and explain why you're doing it. "You're getting many gifts and it's nice to share with other kids who might not have toys of their own." You know, something along those lines, only worded better than what I wrote.

That way, you get to donate items, A. still gets all his birthday gifts, and parents will see A. playing with the things he received.

 

[packrat]

What about having your family do something different? Like everybody get together at the zoo or an amusement park or something, rather than getting toys from them as well? Or going together on something bigger, like a bike?

Being so close to Christmas is kinda hard too..London's is the end of November, and then Christmas is right around the corner.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

What about having your family do something different? Like everybody get together at the zoo or an amusement park or something, rather than getting toys from them as well? Or going together on something bigger, like a bike?

Being so close to Christmas is kinda hard too..London's is the end of November, and then Christmas is right around the corner.

Yeah, a bigger gift from family can be good. Before you know it, your son will be using a computer at school. My sons' school has them taking tests on the computer beginning in Kindergarten.

Also, where is the party going to be? Thirty kids is A LOT! We have had 15 before and they were so loud and wild! Good luck. lol!!!

 

[junebug17]

I wouldn't donate the toys right away, people might get offended if they find out and your son may get upset if he has to give his new things away right away. I don't know, it's a very nice thought but I just don't think a kid's party is the appropriate time for a fundraiser. I like the idea of donating the toys at a later time.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Oh, one other thing is that he'll probably get some gift cards, which you can save for later on.

 

[Kaleigh]

Steph,

Love this idea... Your A is one smart cookie. Have the party... Then take what A is willing to part with to a Children's hospital, or toys for tots, a shelter?? But having A going with you when donating the gifts will be so awesome...

If he could hand a gift to a child in the hospital, that will be such a wonderful gift and long lasting moment...

YOU are such a great MOM!!!!

I think this is the beginning of great things for him. He's not your average selfish kid, not dissing anyone's kids on PS, but A is just special. I imagine service will be a big part of his life going forward....

 

[softly softly]

Hi Steph! First of all a big happy birthday to your little man. I second Kaleigh's sentiments - you are a very thoughtful mum.

Interestingly had I pondered your question at the start of this year I would have been inclined to say to just advise the parents not to bring gifts as selfishly as a parent of small children I would probably have found it somewhat of a relief not to have to try to figure out what to get a kid I didn't really know for their birthday. However, my son just turned 6 and like you I decided to have a big party for the first time and encouraged him to invite as many of his classmates as he wished.

I completely understand your reservations about your son receiving so many gifts right before Christmas (we have always been relatively low key on birthday presents for our son for this reason), but I ended up being surprised by how much thought my son's classmates put in to picking out gifts for him. Talking to the other mums it became apparent that most kids had taken pride in thinking about what J's interests are and had chosen their gifts accordingly. I was really touched because it showed that they valued him enough to care about making him happy on his birthday and I think that shows the sort of concern for the feelings and well being of others that you are hoping to foster in your son. As excited as these kids were to be at a birthday party, they were also all bursting out of their skins to tell him what they had gotten him and to see his reaction! As this is his first year of full time school (we are 3/4 into our school year here) I found it very heartening to think that he is forming such good relationships with his classmates.

So my advice would be to talk to your son after his party about how fortunate he has been to receive all his wonderful gifts from his friends and to suggest that now he has so many new things that he picks out some toys he no longer plays with to give to some kids who are less fortunate.

Good luck with whatever you decide Steph - and good luck with the party. You are a brave woman to take on 30 kids at once!

 

[steph72276]

Thanks for the additional thoughts ladies. I think you guys gave me an idea....after the party is over, we will have a talk about how lucky he is to have all these things and let him go with me to pick out some gifts for Toys for Tots. We did this last year and he had a blast.

MC, Haha I know...I am either brave or crazy, but I didn't want to exclude anyone from his class. I used to teach kindergarten and I know they talk about their parties months in advance and I didn't want anyone's feelings to get hurt. We are having it at our neighborhood clubhouse and luckily the weather here in FL is beautiful this time of year, so I am having food inside and then sending them outside for the rest of the party to run around (there is a park and picnic benches). Hopefully it won't be too much of a zoo, but I'm hoping the parents will at least try to keep them reigned in a bit!

Kaleigh, thank you so much dear friend for the kind words about Andrew. We have always tried to instill in him the importance of being a kind, generous person so I hope he grows up with that mentality.

SS, thank you so much for your thoughts. And you are so right...whenever A is invited to a party, he LOVES to go with me to pick out the gift and thinks of what the boy or girl talks about or plays with.

 

[Haven]

This is a really tough one, but since you put my name in the title I wanted to reply!

I don't have kids, but I know that when I do I am going to face the same dilemma. In general, I think it's bad form to mention gifts at all on an invitation. I also don't think this is the right venue to use as a fundraiser.

Softly Softly's comment is really interesting, as it sounds like kids take a lot of pride in choosing the right gift for the birthday boy. Taking that into consideration, I'd probably just go with the flow this year, allow A to choose his five favorite gifts, and then donate the rest some time after the party. Then, in the future and when you know the parents, I wonder if you could get together and discuss instituting a no-gifts policy? I suppose this depends on the size of your community, really, but it would be worth a shot.

Good luck! Sorry I'm not much help at all. I imagine my favorite etiquette mavens would say to say nothing about gifts, to have A thank the givers graciously at the party, send out the thank you notes promptly thereafter, and to be sure to play with the toys when the givers are at your home after the party at least once. THEN, you can donate them. However, I'd probably donate whatever he didn't love best soon after the party, but I don't like having a lot of things in my house so I'm always in favor of giving anything away as soon as possible.

Happy early birthday to A!

 

[steph72276]

Thanks for the reply Haven and that's what I think too....wouldn't want to upset anyone, especially since I don't know some of them. You are right though, I am friends with his really good friends' parents and maybe i can pass the word on to them. I know for birthday parties, I always talk to the mom and find out what the child is interested in, so hopefully some will ask and I can just say books...that is one gift I wouldn't mind him having a lot of! Thanks again for your thoughts

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

If you want him to have books, then you could throw a themed birthday party revolving around books and I bet people would bring books as gifts without you even mentioning it. I think a "bookworm" theme is adorable. Or a party to dress as your favorite book character.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

If you want him to have books, then you could throw a themed birthday party revolving around books and I bet people would bring books as gifts without you even mentioning it. I think a "bookworm" theme is adorable. Or a party to dress as your favorite book character.

A book theme party could be a cute idea. Hopefully this isn't taken the wrong way, but even though it is cute, I personally wouldn't hold a book party b/c not all the kids are at the same reading level and parents will feel awkward asking about which books, etc. There was one kid in my son's kindergarten class who was a couple reading grades higher and, you know, that situation can cause some disappointment and comparisons that parents would rather avoid. It can come off as bragging if you ask for certain books! It just happens. (I spent 2 years doing in-class reading w/kids and there can be a HUGE gap in reading abilities. I'm talking some kids couldn't read basic works like "do," while others were onto Magic Treehouse.)

Oh and Steph, re: inviting everyone/hurt feelings. . .my older son's kindergarten teacher sent a note home saying that either the child has to invite all the kids in class, all the kids of that child's gender, OR the invites had to be sent out of class. We ended up inviting all the boys so that was fine. I can say that there were a few kids that didn't follow that rule, which is kind of lame. Now we have evites though. . .takes care of that. lol

 

[soocool]

My DD was once invited to a party in which the invitation said "in lieu of gift the party girl is requesting either dog or cat food which will be donated to the local SPCA". We gave both a food donation and a gift to the girl.

ETA: DD is a senior in high school and she is not friends with the kids from elementary school. By middle school/high school they often go with other groups with whom they have common interests.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

If you want him to have books, then you could throw a themed birthday party revolving around books and I bet people would bring books as gifts without you even mentioning it. I think a "bookworm" theme is adorable. Or a party to dress as your favorite book character.

A book theme party could be a cute idea. Hopefully this isn't taken the wrong way, but even though it is cute, I personally wouldn't hold a book party b/c not all the kids are at the same reading level and parents will feel awkward asking about which books, etc. There was one kid in my son's kindergarten class who was a couple reading grades higher and, you know, that situation can cause some disappointment and comparisons that parents would rather avoid. It can come off as bragging if you ask for certain books! It just happens. (I spent 2 years doing in-class reading w/kids and there can be a HUGE gap in reading abilities. I'm talking some kids couldn't read basic works like "do," while others were onto Magic Treehouse.)

Oh and Steph, re: inviting everyone/hurt feelings. . .my older son's kindergarten teacher sent a note home saying that either the child has to invite all the kids in class, all the kids of that child's gender, OR the invites had to be sent out of class. We ended up inviting all the boys so that was fine. I can say that there were a few kids that didn't follow that rule, which is kind of lame. Now we have evites though. . .takes care of that. lol

I think parents can turn anything into a competition, so I just would choose not to participate in such idiocy and have a book party anyway. Kids know who can read in their class. I would hope that parents have the good sense to know that learning happens at different paces and neither brag nor complain about their five year old's reading level.

I would hope that at such a party, the child would receive lots of books at various levels for the child to grow into or even barnes and noble gift cards from parents who don't want to risk repeating a book that the child already has. If I threw this party for my (hypothetical) child, and I received a book that we already owned without a gift receipt, then I'd either regift it to another kid on our family or donate it to charity. That being said, I don't have children, so maybe I am just naive to all the politics that are involved in parent groups and biased because I have always thought that a bookworm party would be so cute